Resurrection Man #0

The barista at the the coffee shop I spend a moderate amount of time in (Paleo in Ladd's Addition in Portland in Oregon in the United States of America in North America on Earth in the Sol System in the Milky Way Galaxy in Grunion Guy's Magnificent Candy Sprinkle Universe of Sublime Horror, Passion, and Resignation) has a tattoo on his forearm that says "Practice Resurrection."

I decided to Google the phrase to maybe get a glimpse at why he has that as a tattoo. I'll ask him next time I see him simply because Googling the phrase doesn't actually help me understand why he has it on his arm. Googling the phrase now is simply for my own edification to learn at least something about where the phrase could possibly come from. The most common hit seems to be the last line of a poem by Wendell Berry called "Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front." Interestingly enough, one of the other places I ended up that was discussing the poem's use of the phrase "practice resurrection" place it (obviously) in a religious context. But the phrase used here in the poem seems to be suggesting a resurrection of your mind and the way you think. It's calling for a person to keep changing and growing; to kill your old self when you find yourself in a rut, predictable, afraid to grow. I especially like this stanza:

Expect the end of the world. Laugh. Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful though you have considered all the facts.

These three lines could be the sum total of dogma that go along with my Atheism. I hate the way people see Atheists. Atheist means exactly what it means: no belief in God. It doesn't have any dogma or ways to live or any other beliefs attached to it. Perhaps that's why people fear it so. When someone says they're Christian, that, supposedly, lets the other person know a high percentage about them and their beliefs and what choices they might make in given situations. When a person says they don't believe in a God, that's all that statement means. But these three lines from the poem "Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front", I could append to my Atheistic beliefs.

By the way, the rest of the poem is pretty damn good too.

And now that I've read something really interesting, it's time to read something that is something else entirely! Read into that what you will. I left it general for a reason. Mostly because I don't know what Resurrection Man #0 will be like but I'm not expecting much.

Back at the Soder Company secret arch-villain government experimentation soda counter lab, Mitch Shelley has just met Mitch Shelley. The two Mitches share some Tektite particles or something which allows their memories co-mingle.

So five years ago Deathstork Deathstroke had yet to lose his eye? I flipped through Issue #5 to see if they drew Deathstroke with two eyes there as well and the results were ambiguous. One panel certainly had him with two eyes. And one panel looked as if he had the blank blue side of his face as usual. The rest of the panels were all drawn from his orange side!

Shelley lost his arm during that attack, so maybe his arm grew back into another Mitch Shelley as well? That would mean the Preying Mantis (with an "e"!) creature that injected him would also have had to injected his lost arm as well. Why would it do that? Deathstroke defeats the creature (or drives it off) while Mitch is unconscious, so he doesn't have any memory of that fight.

But it must have been some fight to leave Deathstroke in a sling! Did his healing factor take a crap on him or something? Deathstroke in a sling! Bwa ha ha! So dumb.

Look at Mitch Shelley panic! "Use the experimental serum on us all! Especially me even though I'm still alive and who knows what it could do to me. But who cares! I lost the arm I use to masturbate! Life isn't worth living unless this shit works!" At least the doctor has the sense to question this decision on the next page. But apparently military doctors in government black ops teams don't take the same ethical vows as normal doctors otherwise how could they follow all of the stupid orders given to them by higher ranking military men that don't know shit about medicine?

Mitch actually has his arm reattached once they get back to the lab. But the arm did not get injected with either the Preying Mantis (with an "e"!) guy's serum or Mitch's stuff. So it feels weak and unmotivated and now it always has a headache and "isn't in the mood." Hoffman and Leno, the Body Doubles, reacted best to the serum. They became "infinitely" better. Holy fuck, that's a lot better! That's off the charts better! That's...that's...that's...incomprehensibly better! It made them heal so quickly as to seem invulnerable. It made them super fast and super strong. And it also made them super hot.

Mitch's body rejected the attached arm because his body was trying to grow a new one. The team cut off the old, weak, lazy, socialist arm and threw it in the incinerator. Mitch's new arm which had seemingly pulled itself up by its bootstraps was left to take its place. Although it really didn't pull itself up by its bootstraps, did it? It was given an unfair advantage by being injected with Mitch's super serum. Meanwhile, the burnt arm floated up the cremation chimney and reassembled in the upper atmosphere. It sucked up all the life in the area to reform a new Mitch Shelley. Mitch Shelley's right hand man: Mitch Shelley, Resurrection Man!

So the secret origin of Mitch Shelley is that he's the masturbation hand of the original Mitch Shelley! That's the best secret origin ever! Resurrection Man wins!

This also actually explains how Mitch ended up in an ambulance in Gotham City. He was disintegrated by the Angel. So then his ashes were picked up by the Chinook Winds, drifted over the Rocky Mountains, was breathed in by the people of Denver and then farted out later, drifted across the plains states, spun about in a few tornadoes, and reformed over the East Coast in Gotham City. His naked and farty body was then picked up by the roving Arkham Asylum Ambulances that pick up any crazy people on the streets for Jeremiah Arkham to experiment on, and voila! Resurrection Man in Gotham!

Meanwhile back in the present...

For some reason, the original Mitch Shelley reacted poorly to the serum. Perhaps because of Preying Mantis's (with an "e"!) injection that didn't affect the loose arm.

Speaking of that Preying Manits Mantis (with an "e"!) guy: who was that guy?!

No, I think it's because you were reconfigured using bunny rabbit organic material.

Now that there are two Mitch Shelleys, does that mean the devil and the angel can split the profits? Or will they still accept the deal that only one of them will get Mitch's soul and they'll accept the evil, military Mitch's soul and let Resurrection Man Mitch go free? Or is that why the original Mitch is dying? Because his soul was in his right arm and now he's soulless? Because everyone knows that person's soul resides in the limb they use to masturbate.

Hmm. I'd better protect my left arm with my life!

Eventually, Heaven and Hell crash the party. Hell comes in and starts screaming, "Let's trash the place!" And Heaven walks up and is all, "Who wants to fuck?!"

That angel is a grabby bitch.

So Heaven is satisfied. But what about Hell now? If Mitch ever dies (he can't though!), will he end up in Hell? Even if he does, that demon seems like a way better companion than Suriel.

The demon likes Mitch alive and tells Mitch he has plans for him and then ends with a really lame joke. And since the only lame jokes I do in my commentary are the ones I invent out of my own head, I won't be repeating it here. Plus I wouldn't want to spoil the comic book for anyone. And the Body Doubles, since their employers are all dead, decide to go freelance. They'll probably end up in the pages of Grifter.

Resurrection Man #0 Rating: The Gotham Resurrection Explicatical! I think because that is explained, I should tack on five rankings to the Retired Ranking for the comic. Also because I don't really give a fuck about the rankings of a comic, so it's not like the extra five rankings are actually worth anything. My Ranking System has the worst economy ever!

Batman Incorporated #3

It's about fucking time I got my hands on Issue #3!

My comic book store told me that the distributor didn't send them enough issues of Batman Incorporated #3 on August 22nd. It's always the distributor's fault when something gets fucked up at a comic book store. So I bugged them about it two weeks in a row and they mumbled and gave me excuses and the comic never showed. This last Wednesday, Batman Incorporated #3 was finally on the shelves! So I grabbed one and then asked for my comic books in my pull box. Of course, Batman Incorporated #3 had not been pulled for me. Bastards! I can't believe what I have to put up with to get 25% off! Over the last eight months, you've fucked up twice! TWICE! I mean, sure, you've saved me about $350 across that time. But still! And maybe I should count this as three fuck ups since you didn't give me the comic on August 22nd and then you still didn't give me the comic when it came out and you forgot Phantom Stranger in my pull box when it came out! HOW DARE YOU! I'm sorely tempted to take my huge and gracious discount away from your exemplary service and friendly attitudes and your store located just a few blocks from my house and throw it away all of our history together and...hmm, you know what? Never mind. No big deal.

Last issue was just a lot of Talia's history with her father and her date raping of The Batman. It's been so long, I hope I can remember all of the other stuff that was going on. I think Robin had a million dollar hit on his head and some guy named Goat Boy was about to collect on it. But I figured that was all a set-up and Batman was pulling the strings. Hopefully that plays out in this comic. And maybe Batcow will get some Panel Time.

The comic begins with the panel that got it held up because of the Aurora Theater shootings. A teacher is replaced by Leviathan and heads off to teach her classroom some solid truths.

Why did Leviathan need to replace her to get her to say this? This should be in every teacher's lesson plan anyway!

I bet Matches Malone is going to start asking questions of all of his Gotham Underworld contacts so he can find out what's going on.

But teachers were only one link in the chain. Leviathan took over the minds of cops, judges, clerks, business men, hot dog vendors...whoever they could influence that might influence someone else. The Leviathan card in the Magic the Gathering The Dark set should have been based on this Leviathan rather than a stupid giant fish. Then maybe it would have been more useful! That fucking card. It was the last card I needed to complete my The Dark set, so I went to a convention to try to trade for it. Magic players are fucking assholes. Nobody would accept a decent fucking trade for that useless piece of shit card. I offered actual cards that could be used in play. But nobody would trade unless I offered more. MORE MORE MORE! If you're one of those assholes who can't just make a decent trade and always has to somehow come out on top, just stop reading my blog. You're not fucking welcome here! And I want my Maze of Ith back!

Matches Malone is in some nightclub having a meeting with a kid named Small Fry. Or a grown man named Small Fry. Gotham has the stupidest fucking crime lords! How scary is this guy? What the fuck does he do that makes thugs rush around doing all of his dirty work? Perhaps that's why he's in Gotham. Because he can't compete anywhere else where the Crime Lords are just normal murdering business men. Here, Small Fry is competing against a guy with a doll in his lap (or is it a doll with a man under his ass?), a man that acts like a bird, a psychotic clown, a riddling fool, and a haberdasher with Lewis Carroll fetish.

See? Why are the majority of the crime lords in Gotham under five foot five? Mad Hatter, The Penguin, The Ventriloquist, Small Fry. They're all so tiny!

Oh! I just got the joke! Boy, I'm so slow sometimes. Matches Malone is dealing with all the little crime lords in Gotham because they're literally small business. He's trying to infiltrate Leviathan, the biggest crime lord now in Gotham. Hey, Grant! Whack me a little harder next time with your overblown metaphors! Or analogies. Whatever. Maybe I should hang my English degree on the wall to remind myself to pay closer attention to what I'm reading. I'm just so glad to finally be reading this stupid comic!

Two lumpy headed men begin to kidnap the lounge singer and Matches Malone is the only one to come to her defense. I guess Matches is all about the non-violence so he gets his thugs to threaten the kidnappers. I'm not sure if you actually live by a philosophy of non-violence if you just pay other guys to do all of the violence.

Is that Bueno Excellente with a new moniker?! The man who sodomized Lobo?!

Dick Grayson eventually shows up as Batman to convince everyone that Matches Malone is a real thug. And then everyone heads back to the Batcave to process the new information. Including Damian because he's, you know, not really dead. Surprise! I think. Probably not a surprise at all actually.

At least Damian's comebacks sound like a ten year old's insults.

Someone with a lot more knowledge (and time!) than I have needs to unravel this web.

Oh, for fuck's sake, just forget all of that Leviathan crap. Look! It's Batcow with Alfred!

Matches Malone ends up at Three Eyed Jacks because Grant Morrison is a fan of Twin Peaks but he wanted the place to be weird. At Three Eyed Jacks, Matches interviews Goatboy about his successful hit on Robin. He wants to know where Goatboy is supposed to collect his half billion dollar prize. And since Goatboy knows Gotham so well, he knows exactly where he was taken earlier to meet with Leviathan even though Goatboy was blindfolded.

Matches Malone heads to the Grimm Brothers' Wake on a tip from the lounge singer but it's a trap. He's grabbed by the lumpy twins and taken away. Meanwhile, Damian gasses Alfred so he can skip out on being grounded. He dons his Redbird costume and takes off to help Batman.

Really? Redbird? What's with the color red with these guys? Red Hood. Red Robin. Redbird. And of course simply Robin. Which is a Redbird. Clever disguise, Damian! No one would ever suspect!

It turns out the trap was set by Goatboy. He needed three sacrifices to prove himself to the League of Assassins. He killed Small Fry. And he killed Robin (I think that's one of them!). And now Matches Malone is next.

What's with the "It's Thursday" and "scapegoat" line? Is that a reference to Maundy Thursday and the betrayal of Christ, the ultimate scapegoat? I'll speak more about Maundy Thursday and how my girlfriend and I chose it as the one holiday to celebrate in our house when I comment on Phantom Stranger #1.

Good thing Redbird is just outside beating up the guards and the guard dogs. Although Matches probably only needs that lit match to defeat everyone in the room.

Batman Incorporated #3 Rating: No change. It feels like this comic needs to recover its momentum after that two month delay between issues (and practically three for me! Stupid comic book store!). People are way too sensitive. It's as if our society is schizophrenic and every single thing is connected to every other single thing and everyone is trying to be super careful not to offend anybody else or make anyone feel bad or frightened or traumatized. Guess what though? Life is a crazy mixed bag of chaotic random bullshit. And the least offensive thing in the world is a goofball story written to entertain. I can see DC's point. Especially when you're a corporation and your main goal is to make money, it would look really insensitive to put out a violent comic book starring the main character of a violent movie where a murder and violence just took place. I, for one, am adult enough to separate the two. As are many, many people. But the world is controlled by those who want to feel offended and throw their tantrums because they think they're helping out.

When I saw The Matrix in the theater, a woman sitting next to me gasped and freaked out when Neo in his trenchcoat makes his assault on the Agent's skyscraper. Columbine was still fresh in everyone's mind and this woman couldn't separate the two. That is mental illness. You aren't being traumatized, lady. Neo wasn't shooting at you and he didn't cause the mass killing at the school. Just stuff your mouth with Jujubes and shut the fuck up.

Now I sound like an insensitive bastard! I assure you that I am only in commentaries like these which don't fucking matter one bit on the universal scale.

Earth 2 #0

Nine years ago, the armies of Apokolips arrived on Earth 2. Earth 2's defenders at the time were Superman, Wonder Woman, Batman, and Terry Sloan, the world's smartest man. How does one become the world's Smartest Man? I suppose you simply declare yourself the smartest man on Earth. I guarantee that Earth 2 didn't have some kind of contest to discover who was the smartest person on it. My guess is Terry Sloan is a pretty smart guy with a lot of ambition and a shit ton of self-promotion. But that doesn't make him the smartest man in the world!

When Mister Terrific arrived on Earth 2 in Issue #2, he was instantly captured by Earth 2's smartest man? Was it Terry Sloan? Probably since this issue begins with him at odds with Batman.

Smartest Man on Earth and he's tangling with Batman? I don't think so!

Portions of Earth's population have been mesmerized by Darkseid's anti-life equation.

So how are they any different from the non-anti-life masses?

Batman and Mr. 8, otherwise known as Terry Sloan, the Smartest Man on Earth 2, are on the case. Also fighting against Darkseid are Superman, Wonder Woman, Robin, Supergirl, Catwoman, and a mystery hero. Mr. 8 has discovered a portal to a mystery dimension which has somehow helped the heroes to keep the war at a stalemate.

Mr. 8 has developed a plan which involves driving Superman insane with his newly synthesized Opal Kryptonite.

The main difference between Earth One and Earth Two is the size of Wonder Woman's boobs. All other differences stem from that.

While the rest of the heroes are fighting to free the anti-life equationed people, Mr. 8 realizes the hard truth of what must be done. The enthralled nations must simply be destroyed so that they do not cripple the free nations and supply Apokolips with mesmerized troops. With Superman insane and fighting Wonder Woman, Batman is the only hope of stopping Mr. 8. And he fails with his last chance Batball explosive. Mr. 8 pushes a button and blows a half dozen nations off the face of the globe.

Every time I try to type Mr. 8, I first end up typing Mr. * which is appropriate since he's turned out to be a complete asshole.

Mr. 8 escapes into the Ninth Dimension, a place where he can see alternate futures and possibilities. He believes he knows what to do to save the world and he's going to do it no matter what the cost. He's basically Earth 2's version of Ozymandias. His kidnapping of Mister Terrific in Issue #2 must be for a good reason even if he goes about everything the wrong way. He's a believer in the ends justifying the means. Or the means justifying the ends. Or the ends meaning justification for the beginnings. Whatever.

Earth 2 #0 Rating: Adrian Veidtastic!

Dial H #0

I was going to call this post "Dial H for Zero" but didn't want to confuse the easily confused. Also, the file name for the cover is DialH0.

According to the cover (and possibly Wikipedia), the rotary telephone was based on a mystic Sumerian device. I almost called it an Egyptian device before I switched that to Babylonian because of the woman holding it and then I noticed the cuneiform numbers and decided it was Sumerian. Too bad the rotary telephone didn't maintain the outer dial with the astrological symbols. I wonder how those would work? "Hey babe, what's your sign?" "Fuck you. I'm not giving you my phone number, you asshole."

I hope the original dial was created by Enkidu to help Gilgamesh defeat the Humbaba.

Plot twist: The first Dial was a Sun Dial.

The original Dial took four days and six adults to dial up the transformation. Every day at noon the gigantic stone block had to be turned so that the shadow fell on the correct segment to create a shield emblem. Laodice, a woman who dreamed true dreams, and some other youths remained behind in the city while the rest of the inhabitants fled from some mysterious thing, hoping their armies outside the city might stop it.

On the fourth day just before noon, the mysterious thing bearing down on the city and its army appears: Mushussu, the beast of Babylon.

Is this where Mulan's Mushu got his name?

Since this is the Beast of Babylon, I decided to actually look up the relationship between Sumer and Babylon to see why the Dial would have cuneiform. According to the great and almighty Wikipedia (which is merely just an old man and a bunch of territorial nerds behind a curtain), Babylon retained the Sumerian language for religious purposes although it was no longer a spoken language. And since the sundial has been here for as long as the people can remember, it's probably Sumerian in origin while this story is taking place in Babylon. Anyway, why the fuck do I care? I should stop getting hung up on the details!

Or not! That's the best part about reading comics. The visuals give so many clues to where something's happening and what's going on that a good writer doesn't need to spell everything out in a page full of Narration Boxes.

So, back to the story, Laodice does not run from the Beast. She calmly waits for noon to arrive on the fourth day before touching the symbol on the sundial just as Mushussu approaches.

If this had been Sumer, that could have been Humbaba about to bite her head off.

Too bad for Mushusuu, he arrived a second too late.

Apparently the Dial's power exists outside of time since I'm almost positive that Bumper Car is anachronistic. No, wait. Rereading the Wikipedia entry on Babylon, it says they invented the Bumper Car for the culminating event during their Festival of the Lost Penis (alternately known as The Festival of the Weeping Vagina).

Bumper Carla bumps the Beast into Fairground Hell and saves the day. Everyone rejoices and bows down to Laodice and thanks her for saving their lives. Laodice acts magnanimous and does not remind them how often they laughed and jeered at her when she was telling them her dreams. Except the few times she dreamt about fucking Ishtar on a stage with men throwing coins at them. They all wanted to hear that dream over and over again.

After Mushussu is gone, Laodice notices that the Wacky Sundial has disappeared cracked into rubble. Laodice becomes the city's wise woman while her friend Stratonice travels the world seeking clues to the magic sundial.

Are those the hanging gardens! What an ancient wonder!

Laodice's friend says she never found out any more about this man. But after a few panels where the speech bubbles are assigned to the wrong person, Laodice takes her friend down to the dungeon where she shows her a wizard that came to Babylon just three days ago. Perhaps this man was not following her but seeking where she had come from?

Shit! That looks like Nelson's ham hand! Or Anguished Fat Guy's!

But it's not. It's the hand of a man from another world. His name is Slim and he can open portals between worlds. He's come to find Bumper Carla who is on a mission of vengeance. Because when Laodice used the Sundial, she stole Bumper Carla's powers for a short time. In that time, many innocent people died in her home world of The Fair. Bumper Carla blamed the person who stole her powers. Through some better than Batman detective work and some fantastic research that probably involved Wikipedia, Bumper Carla figured out where her powers went. She portaled to Babylon and hunted down Laodice, killing her because Laodice never spoke with Slim to hear his warning. And that's pretty much the end of that story.

So while China never gives us an origin for the Dial, he does introduce some serious conflict and problems with using the Dial. Nelson is stealing powers from beings from other worlds and dimensions to use as his own. During that time, they become normal. Does this mean every other issue will have Nelson fighting crime and then every other issue after that will be Nelson saving his own ass from the people he stole the powers from? Whatever the case, Nelson has already pissed off a hell of a lot of super powered people in the first few issues.

Dial H #0 Rating: Problematic!

Worlds' Finest #0

"Some years ago"? Way to nail it down, Paul Levitz! It obviously takes place longer than five years ago and I'd guess a good five years or more before that as well. But since this is Earth 2, who gives a fuck about being accurate!

Helena's Robin outfit is the best Robin outfit ever designed. Although I'd rather see her in green bikini briefs over Dick Grayson. And Kara's Supergirl outfit looks much better than the current Supergirl's outfit. I'm not a big fan of the weird diaper pad thing added to The New 52 Supergirl's costume.

Helena is out hunting thugs with her father. It's very early in her training and could possibly be her first outing in Gotham to catch some actual bad guys. She begins by thinking, "Ready. Now all I have to do is keep up to his standards, or I'll be grounded..." And I thought, "Grounded? You'll be dead!" Helena finishes her thought on the next page.

This may also be the best "drop in on the bad guys" pose in the history of comic books.

Robin handily defeats the bad guys because she was trained by the best (or is Batman of Earth 2 the third best, after Batman of Earth 1 and Midnighter?). The voice that was speaking to her earlier, asking if she were ready, did not belong to Batman as everyone probably suspected. At least I thought that, so I'm assuming everyone else did too! Except maybe that anonymous guy who reads the solicits and hates it when people don't do their research. He probably did plenty of research to gear up for reading this comic book. Wouldn't want to be surprised by anything, would we?

I like that you can see the influence for her Huntress suit in both her mother and her father's costumes.

Does anyone else ignore the shift key standard of using the one on the opposite hand of the letter being capitalized and just hit whichever fucking Shift Key seems convenient at the time? This question is for people who actually know how to type. Am I normal or just cutting edge?

When Batman gets back into planet, he has a few issues with Helena's gang banging busting activities.

This Batman obviously never learned The Final Lesson and now Selina is going to eventually have him murdered and take off with his money.

Meanwhile, Superman is training Kara. He mentions she's their secret weapon against Darkseid because Darkseid knows too much about the rest of them. Lois has already been killed and Superman doesn't want to lose Kara as well. She calls him "cuz" at one point, so I guess they have the same relationship as the Superfamily on Earth 1. They discuss the oddities of their different arrivals on Earth when they both left Krypton at the same time. But it's still a mystery. And the Superman heads off to Rome where there's some kind of job for Superman.

Back in the Batcave, Helena's training is interrupted by an alarm that has never gone off in her lifetime. Her dad has an emergency and she rushes off to help. When she arrives at the scene, she finds Catwoman dead and her father nearly crippled.

Batman must be near death if he can't even hold Robin back. Or maybe he didn't want to?

Once Helena swings into the building, Batman summons Superman to come help save his daughter. But he's off in Rome so Helena's soon-to-be bestie comes zipping in to save her instead.

Isn't this usually the perfect pose for a sky kiss?

With Supergirl's help, Robin chases the bad guys off through their Boom Tubes. Kara and Helena introduce themselves and bond over the loss of their mothers (or mother type journalists). And that's how they became best friends forever!

Worlds' Finest #0 Rating: BFFiest!

Green Arrow #0

I haven't commented on any of the Zero Issue covers so far because they're all the same. They all even use the exact same torn circle except with a variety of colors filling the void. So this is my first comment about a Zero cover: thank fucking Chaos that Harvey Tolibao is not listed as an artist! My enthusiasm is, of course, tempered by the fact that Ann Nocenti's name is still on the cover. Oh well. Let me predict now that this will be the worst Zero Issue comic book I've read so far.

The comic begins "several years ago", so it's the first out of eight I've read so far that decided not to specify when the Origin takes place. So, you know, a few years ago, this guy named Oswald or Olivier or something ended up on a desert island and he had to eat or something. So he learned to shoot an arrow out of a bow really good or well or whatever. Then he was rescued by Aquaman and he called Aquaman a fish fucker and Aquaman hated him ever since and Oswaliver Green turned into a super hero because shooting arrows better than anyone else in the world is totally a valid reason to don a mask and fight crime.

Is that acceptable? Do I still have to read this thing? I'm a bit nervous.

*sigh*

*deep breath*

Okay! Here I go!

And then I'm pardoned! It's a miracle! Thank you, Lord Chaos, for changing Ann Nocenti in Judd Winick because I believed! I BELIEVED!

I've never been happy to see Judd Winick's name in my life! Until now!

Ollie has been sent to an offshore oil rig owned by his father to "mind the clock." I don't know what that means. And he evidently doesn't either because he's throwing a rave on deck. He's getting drunk and showing his friends everything he's learned so far from his Archery Tutor. Which isn't much. But that's because you don't learn archery from a teacher! You learn archery from desperation and hunger games! You learn archery only when your life depends on it! Or at least I'm pretty sure that's how the Olympians train.

Ollie's job on the rig is really just a punishment handed down by his father. Ollie is nineteen and has zero work ethic. He's bitching about how his father's company is raping the ocean but he merely gets drunk and parties and refuses to do a good job at any of the jobs his father gives him. Merely bitching and going against the corporate ethic isn't being green and a friend to the environment. Ollie is nothing more than a spoiled rich kid. He shows no care for anything but himself. I thought maybe his time stranded on the island would show how he evolves into a crusader for actual change but this shitty attitude actually fits the same shitty attitude he displayed in Krul and Nocenti's runs on the regular issues. So I have no hope for this bastard!

And then the party ends rather abruptly.

Put your arms around me! Every little bit of your love! You know what you do! I'll make love to you! You got the right stuff and I do to! I've got a line on you, babe!

Iron Eagle and his gang are international oil thieves. Apparently the best way to make a lot of easy money is to fly out to oil rigs, siphon off millions of dollars worth of crude oil, load it into dozens of helicopters, fly it back to the refinery you own in some secret location (probably the Arctic which is sometimes the Antarctic), barrel it, and then sell it on the Black Gold Black Market. Easy peasy!

Oh yeah. The woman in the front there is Ollie's girlfriend of seven months.

Even though Iron Eagle assures everyone that no harm will come to anything, Oliver Queen decides to fight back using his horrible bow and arrow skills. This doesn't sound like a good idea. Hasn't Ollie ever seen Passanger 57? That movie, by the way, is on my list as the worst movie I've ever seen. Wesley Snipes plays some cop or something that's traumatized because his wife (I think?) was killed in a convenience store robbery that went bad because he interfered. Just like Ollie is going to do now! But what makes Passenger 57 so incredibly terrible is that Wesley Snipes is traumatized by this event. But then he ends up on a plane in a hostage situation much like this rig! Nobody acts up and everyone will be okay! But Wesley Snipes decides that he can save the day! He can find redemption! So he acts up to try to save the day and the hostages kill some people. The same Goddamn thing happens! But this time, it's water off a duck's back for good old Wesley. "Bah! This has happened to me before! Situation where everything probably would have went smoothly if I hadn't decided to act like a big shot! Bah! Big deal! And since people have already died because of me, I think I'll save the day by forcing the hijackers to land the plane so we can fight on a ferris wheel and then we'll get back on the plane and fly around some more before more people die but I save the day and become a hero!" Or something like that. It's been a long time since I've seen that stupid ass movie.

Ollie defeats some guards and gets into a position to save the day!

Raven? Who the fuck is Raven? That's Iron Eagle, you narcissistic jerk! Too busy stroking your own ego to give him a listen when he introduces himself amidst all of the explosions? Asshole!

Ollie makes the shot. Too bad for him the detonator has a dead man's switch on it. Which, I have to say, Judd Winick doesn't explain at all! He doesn't force a stupid Narration Box in so that Ollie says explains it while nearly dying. He just has Williams show the detonator fall over the side of the rig with the pin popping out and everything exploding. Nicely done although it won't be enough to save this story!

Ollie's friend who he kept mentioning by his full name over and over, Tommy Merlyn tackles him from the rig and they fall in the water. Ollie is unharmed while Tommy is burnt all over and apparently dies. But since Winick repeats his name a few times and the art focuses on the medallion around his neck, I can't help but think this guy is a major Green Arrow nemesis. Anybody want to catch me up on this guy if he's someone from Preboot history?

Oliver Queen ends up stranded on a tropical island, crying from his guilty conscious and learning to hunt with a bow. Twelve months later, Oliver Queen is back on land and bailing Roy Harper out of jail. Not because he knows him. But because of what he's heard about him.

Ollie finishes with "I need to make things right. One arrow at a time."

So this Origin story gives him so major motivation for doing the right thing. He does need redemption since he feels he's responsible for all the deaths on the oil rig. And maybe he is. My only problem with this motivation is that it doesn't come across at all in the pages of his comic. Especially the first run by Krul and the later run by Nocenti. Arrow is just a selfish bastard with odd and changing motivations. But I guess that'll happen when you're 12 comics in (plus a Zero issue!) and you've had four different writers! And not one of them has managed to write a really good Green Arrow story. Giffen's run was fine but dated. And this story is passable.

Green Arrow #0 Rating: Passable!

Green Lantern #0

Everybody run! Green Lantern's got a gun! And some kind of Arabic tattoo? And a BDSM mask? And handball gloves? Who designed this guy?

Since Green Lantern's design their own suits from some pre-existing template but then change it to fit their aesthetic, what does this suit say about this new Green Lantern? I suppose his personality must be a little bit Hal Jordan, a little bit rock-n-Sinestro since their rings merged with both of them desperately trying to convince the ring to find someone like themselves. And the Ring may have been damaged somewhat in the Black Hand incident because it kept saying, "error." So now DC has two pieces of brain damaged alien technology running wild: Jaime's Scarab and this new Lantern's ring.

Simon Baz, an Arab-American that grew up in Dearborn, Michigan, will be the new Green Lantern. His whole life has been a reaction to reactionaries after hijacked planes were flown into the World Trade Center. And now eleven years later, he's a car thief. It looks like he works for someone because he's just been set up. He stole a van with a bomb in the back and its ready to blow.

You didn't know you were stealing a car? How naive do you expect us to think...oh, wait. Never mind!

Sometimes writing commentary on these comics as I read them leads to little things like this that make me laugh. I read the previous page and wrote that comment. Then I turned the page and this is the first panel.

I hope when Simon receives his ring, he just goes around the universe stealing space ships.

Simon manages to dive out of the van. The van smashes into a building of some sort (probably vacant since he smashed through a chained and locked fence and since this Green Lantern can't lose any sympathy by beginning his comic book career as a manslaughterer) and explodes. The police chasing him draw their guns and somehow don't shoot him immediately. Is he still in Dearborn? Because he's definitely not in Portland!

Simon ends up in prison being interviewed by two mysterious agents. It turns out Simon is a manslaughterer but the kind that can garner sympathy from the reader. He was driving a car involved in a crash while street racing and his brother-in-law was killed. He feels intense remorse for whatever his part was in this accident. So far, he's just a guy who grew up with a loving family in an environment of hatred sparked mainly by our government and media who went down the wrong road at some point. In other words, he's got all the makings of another flawed hero being chosen by the Green Lantern ring!

Or maybe not so flawed at all. Looks like he's being set up to be the Valjean to the Guardians' Javert.

Could it be that for once we're going to get an absolutely heroic Green Lantern? A Green Lantern that does the right thing unconcerned by law or society's bullshit? Simon had a rough time growing up and yet he tried to live a responsible life. But when the factory was shut down and he had people to take care of, what could he do? He became responsible for his sister and her child the moment his brother-in-law was killed in the accident. He probably only steals cars from horrible corporations fucking with the local people and businesses as well!

Since Simon Baz isn't telling these assholes what they think he should be telling them because they fucking know it all, they decide to torture him until he does tell them what they think he should tell them. Why do people think torture works? Torture only works in getting someone to tell you what you want that person to tell you so that the pain will stop. By not torturing someone, if they're lying, they'll lie to you but it won't be the lie you want. If they're not lying, they'll tell you the truth that you won't believe. So you torture the person until they tell you what you want to hear. Now if they were telling the truth, they're lying but now you're will to believe the lie because it's your version of reality. It's all based in arrogance and bullshit and manipulating people through pain. And it may be against international law but don't assume you aren't being tortured every single day of your fucking life to get you to toe the line. Even if it's just manipulating you with fear, that's torture. That's scaring the shit out of you and causing psychological pain to get you to act the way they want you to act.

Simon Baz doesn't put up with this bullshit. He does not go gentle onto the water-boarding table. He fights back until the moment one of them pulls a gun on him. And in that moment, that moment just before he acts, just before he attempts to take that gun away from that guard, the brain damaged green lantern ring explodes into the room.

"And you've got the anti-authoritarian traits of Sinestro and the heroic, do-gooder ideals of Hal Jordan. Welcome to the ERROR team!"

The suits give Amanda Waller a call to let her know that Simon was broken out of jail by a Green Lantern ring. Amanda, as usual, decides to sit on the information and keep it for herself. Cyborg intercepts the call and lets Batman know that a suspected terrorist now has a Green Lantern ring and, hey, have you heard from Hal lately? Nobody has because Hal and Sinestro are lost in the epilogue of this comic book.

I thought Grifter was the most wanted man in the world?

Green Lantern #0 Rating: Un-Hal-Jordan-errific! Oh yeah, Simon's tattoo on his arm translates into English as courage. And he never really creates a suit for himself. And at the very end, after he's crashed in a field where the ring took him, the ring says, "Message waiting." This message is probably for Carol from Hal that he placed in the ring the moment before he thought he was going to die.