Resurrection Man #0

The barista at the the coffee shop I spend a moderate amount of time in (Paleo in Ladd's Addition in Portland in Oregon in the United States of America in North America on Earth in the Sol System in the Milky Way Galaxy in Grunion Guy's Magnificent Candy Sprinkle Universe of Sublime Horror, Passion, and Resignation) has a tattoo on his forearm that says "Practice Resurrection."

I decided to Google the phrase to maybe get a glimpse at why he has that as a tattoo. I'll ask him next time I see him simply because Googling the phrase doesn't actually help me understand why he has it on his arm. Googling the phrase now is simply for my own edification to learn at least something about where the phrase could possibly come from. The most common hit seems to be the last line of a poem by Wendell Berry called "Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front." Interestingly enough, one of the other places I ended up that was discussing the poem's use of the phrase "practice resurrection" place it (obviously) in a religious context. But the phrase used here in the poem seems to be suggesting a resurrection of your mind and the way you think. It's calling for a person to keep changing and growing; to kill your old self when you find yourself in a rut, predictable, afraid to grow. I especially like this stanza:

Expect the end of the world. Laugh. Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful though you have considered all the facts.

These three lines could be the sum total of dogma that go along with my Atheism. I hate the way people see Atheists. Atheist means exactly what it means: no belief in God. It doesn't have any dogma or ways to live or any other beliefs attached to it. Perhaps that's why people fear it so. When someone says they're Christian, that, supposedly, lets the other person know a high percentage about them and their beliefs and what choices they might make in given situations. When a person says they don't believe in a God, that's all that statement means. But these three lines from the poem "Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front", I could append to my Atheistic beliefs.

By the way, the rest of the poem is pretty damn good too.

And now that I've read something really interesting, it's time to read something that is something else entirely! Read into that what you will. I left it general for a reason. Mostly because I don't know what Resurrection Man #0 will be like but I'm not expecting much.

Back at the Soder Company secret arch-villain government experimentation soda counter lab, Mitch Shelley has just met Mitch Shelley. The two Mitches share some Tektite particles or something which allows their memories co-mingle.

So five years ago Deathstork Deathstroke had yet to lose his eye? I flipped through Issue #5 to see if they drew Deathstroke with two eyes there as well and the results were ambiguous. One panel certainly had him with two eyes. And one panel looked as if he had the blank blue side of his face as usual. The rest of the panels were all drawn from his orange side!

Shelley lost his arm during that attack, so maybe his arm grew back into another Mitch Shelley as well? That would mean the Preying Mantis (with an "e"!) creature that injected him would also have had to injected his lost arm as well. Why would it do that? Deathstroke defeats the creature (or drives it off) while Mitch is unconscious, so he doesn't have any memory of that fight.

But it must have been some fight to leave Deathstroke in a sling! Did his healing factor take a crap on him or something? Deathstroke in a sling! Bwa ha ha! So dumb.

Look at Mitch Shelley panic! "Use the experimental serum on us all! Especially me even though I'm still alive and who knows what it could do to me. But who cares! I lost the arm I use to masturbate! Life isn't worth living unless this shit works!" At least the doctor has the sense to question this decision on the next page. But apparently military doctors in government black ops teams don't take the same ethical vows as normal doctors otherwise how could they follow all of the stupid orders given to them by higher ranking military men that don't know shit about medicine?

Mitch actually has his arm reattached once they get back to the lab. But the arm did not get injected with either the Preying Mantis (with an "e"!) guy's serum or Mitch's stuff. So it feels weak and unmotivated and now it always has a headache and "isn't in the mood." Hoffman and Leno, the Body Doubles, reacted best to the serum. They became "infinitely" better. Holy fuck, that's a lot better! That's off the charts better! That's...that's...that's...incomprehensibly better! It made them heal so quickly as to seem invulnerable. It made them super fast and super strong. And it also made them super hot.

Mitch's body rejected the attached arm because his body was trying to grow a new one. The team cut off the old, weak, lazy, socialist arm and threw it in the incinerator. Mitch's new arm which had seemingly pulled itself up by its bootstraps was left to take its place. Although it really didn't pull itself up by its bootstraps, did it? It was given an unfair advantage by being injected with Mitch's super serum. Meanwhile, the burnt arm floated up the cremation chimney and reassembled in the upper atmosphere. It sucked up all the life in the area to reform a new Mitch Shelley. Mitch Shelley's right hand man: Mitch Shelley, Resurrection Man!

So the secret origin of Mitch Shelley is that he's the masturbation hand of the original Mitch Shelley! That's the best secret origin ever! Resurrection Man wins!

This also actually explains how Mitch ended up in an ambulance in Gotham City. He was disintegrated by the Angel. So then his ashes were picked up by the Chinook Winds, drifted over the Rocky Mountains, was breathed in by the people of Denver and then farted out later, drifted across the plains states, spun about in a few tornadoes, and reformed over the East Coast in Gotham City. His naked and farty body was then picked up by the roving Arkham Asylum Ambulances that pick up any crazy people on the streets for Jeremiah Arkham to experiment on, and voila! Resurrection Man in Gotham!

Meanwhile back in the present...

For some reason, the original Mitch Shelley reacted poorly to the serum. Perhaps because of Preying Mantis's (with an "e"!) injection that didn't affect the loose arm.

Speaking of that Preying Manits Mantis (with an "e"!) guy: who was that guy?!

No, I think it's because you were reconfigured using bunny rabbit organic material.

Now that there are two Mitch Shelleys, does that mean the devil and the angel can split the profits? Or will they still accept the deal that only one of them will get Mitch's soul and they'll accept the evil, military Mitch's soul and let Resurrection Man Mitch go free? Or is that why the original Mitch is dying? Because his soul was in his right arm and now he's soulless? Because everyone knows that person's soul resides in the limb they use to masturbate.

Hmm. I'd better protect my left arm with my life!

Eventually, Heaven and Hell crash the party. Hell comes in and starts screaming, "Let's trash the place!" And Heaven walks up and is all, "Who wants to fuck?!"

That angel is a grabby bitch.

So Heaven is satisfied. But what about Hell now? If Mitch ever dies (he can't though!), will he end up in Hell? Even if he does, that demon seems like a way better companion than Suriel.

The demon likes Mitch alive and tells Mitch he has plans for him and then ends with a really lame joke. And since the only lame jokes I do in my commentary are the ones I invent out of my own head, I won't be repeating it here. Plus I wouldn't want to spoil the comic book for anyone. And the Body Doubles, since their employers are all dead, decide to go freelance. They'll probably end up in the pages of Grifter.

Resurrection Man #0 Rating: The Gotham Resurrection Explicatical! I think because that is explained, I should tack on five rankings to the Retired Ranking for the comic. Also because I don't really give a fuck about the rankings of a comic, so it's not like the extra five rankings are actually worth anything. My Ranking System has the worst economy ever!

Resurrection Man #12

Look, it's the last issue. Shocking truth is fine. But changes everything? Who cares since all that changed shit will just sit there wishing Issue #13 would come along so its story could be told.

Mitch Shelley has finally been captured by Hooker and the Body Doubles. I hope this issue simply takes place in a nice lounge where Hooker and Mitch enjoy some Earl Grey while Hooker explains everything. And then once Mitch finds out what it has all meant, the Angel and the Devil will appear and call odds/evens to win Mitch's super expensive soul.

Since this issue begins with Mitch Shelley suddenly resurrected in mid-air in Gotham City, maybe this issue will also explains why he sometimes resurrects in Gotham City when that makes no sense at all!

Mitch is shot and killed by the Gotham City Police Department who issue their first warning the only way they know how.

Yes, shooting a suspect in the chest is their first and final warning.

After Mithc is killed and falls to the ground, he's attacked by Batman. That seems like a chump move, Bats. I'm beginning to suspect that Mitch isn't really in Gotham. I think he's inside some kind of testing chamber in his old Lab and Hooker is fucking with the dials.

Oh look. I'm right again. Even I'm getting bored with myself.

Simply because Batman attacked Mitch after Mitch fell to his death, I knew something was up and called it. But then I turned the page and Batman was happy he brought back-up, The Justice League. And Aquaman killed Mitch with the trident. And Batman didn't pitch a fit. So then I knew they were in some kind of simulation. But the way the comic ended last issue, a simulation seemed the most obvious guess. The real question is: Has this simulation been going on during the entire comic book run? Because that would "change everything."

The Transhuman is watching the Virtual Reality simulations on a monitor. It looks like pretty good television! But the Transhuman has a minor problem with it, even though he is a super villain.

I guess Mitch Shelley is the holy grail because he gets super powers. I think the Body Doubles would really be what Hooker was looking for. While Mitch gets super powers, he can still die, and that's a disadvantage. But the Body Doubles can't even die because their regeneration kicks in so quickly.

Hooker's plan is to kill Mitch over and over again in the simulator and then test all of his powers. They can judge the readouts and analyze the "tektites" so that maybe they can replicate each of Shelley's powers on other soldiers. But this entire process will eventually kill him. And, naturally, Hooker tells all of this to the Transhuman. I guess since the Transhuman just seems like an 18 year old old man, it seems safe enough.

But it's not safe! The bad guy should always realize it's never safe to explain yourself! Although, Hooker might not think of himself as the bad guy. And he might think his plan of destroying Shelley for knowledge sounds reasonable to other people.

The Transhuman enters the virtual reality simulator via his super duper technological mumbo jumbo and pulls Mitch out. Rebecki has the lab rats covered with a blaster. But Hooker, knowing he can't die (although he can't heal either! So maybe he should actually be careful?), charges Rebecki. He takes a few laser blasts to the chest.

Those holes are going to look nice. I think I'd stick fish bowls in them.

Mitch knows the bullets won't kill Hooker but Mitch can. He uses his lava man powers to destroy most of Hooker's body. Hooker is thankful to finally be able to die. I don't know what that's about! If I ever think dying is better than living, even on my death bed, somebody please slap me. Notice I didn't say "kill me" for stupid comic effect because someone would take that seriously. Just slap me. And be gentle about it. Maybe use your boobies.

Now Kim, Mitch, and Darryl the Transhuman just need to escape the lab.

NOOOOOOOOOO! First Korean Friend in G.I. Combat and now Transhuman! Two of my favorite characters in DC! I hope that doesn't mean Batgirl's roommate, Alysia, is going to die next! I couldn't stand it.

The person who just murdered Transhuman is in a gigantic suit of armor created by the Transhuman himself. And he has the Body Doubles for backup. And since Hooker is dead and this guy is bitching about having to come down to take care of everything himself and this is a comic book and there is only one big twist like this that comic book writers can pull out of their hats, it means the guy in the armor is Mitch Shelley.

Ta da! I'll be here all month!

Resurrection Man #12 Rating: No change. I almost gave this comic a +1 Ranking and then I remembered that until Andy and Dan explained why Mitch appeared in a Gotham ambulance headed toward Arkham after he resurrected after being cremated in Portland, I promised to reduce the ranking I gave this comic by one. So, they failed again. The Virtual Reality thing almost solved it. Or maybe it did solve it! I still don't know that any of this is real yet!

Oh yeah. The comic will be resolved in Issue #0.

Resurrection Man #11

This is basically the same cover from last month. I'm guessing he'll actually run into Hooker this time.

Mitch and his sidekick chick whose name I forget rumble on into Viceroy, Virginia on their search for the Transhuman. They don't actually care about finding him. They want to find the lab where Mitch Shelley once worked. And Mitch is assuming that the Body Doubles took the Transhuman there and Mitch has a device that can track the Transhuman. They "rumble" into Viceroy because they're traveling in one of Transhuman's tank/van hybrids. And apparently they're trying not to stand out.

They're doing it wrong.

The people of Viceroy probably see old men in dark shades with young black women in dark shades trundling into town in a tank every day. Maybe it's just not a surprise because everybody loves Soder, America's Soda!

Citizen of Viceroy: "OH YAH! PEOPLE COME FROM AWW OVER TO VISIT THE SODER PWANT!"

Obviously, I believe people from Virginia speak like Minnesota toddlers with a speech impediment.
Mitch and Kim (that's her name! I didin't remember it. Mitch just finally called her by name) ditch the Soder Tour and hide in his mystic shadow powers until the plant closes for the night.

I knew soda was evil! That's why I gave it up 16 months ago. It's all iced tea and water for me now. And, you know, the occasional alcoholic beverage.

I'm sure the Soder soda company is just a cover for Mitch Shelley's Super Human Research Center. But maybe it's not! Maybe Soder has been experimenting on the populace for 108 years now! The sugary sweet syrup changes the DNA of the populace across generations, causing them to be more susceptible to the meta-human gene! Which is why Super Heroes exploded across the world sometime around six years ago. And Mitch, having a job sweeping the floors as a young boy, stumbled onto the plot. But since he loved soda so much, he convinced the Soda Men in Black to allow him to work for them. Over the course of the next twenty years, he had taken over and was running the program himself, hiring people like Deathstroke to protect his team as they injected Soder into wounded soldiers all across the world!

So remember, kids! Keep drinking Mr. Pibb and you too will never die!

While searching the place for the lab, Kim touches the wall with her Pervetronic Power and it enables her to see the lab built into the Soder Factory.

That seems like a really stupid design. "Let's make a tower composed mostly of glass windows! And then we'll turn it invisible so nobody knows it's here!" Later: Window Replacement Guy: "Fucking enough with the fucking overtime already! Stupid bastard kids always throwing rocks! Goddamned birds! Piece of shit small planes. I hate this fucking job."

While a hidden tower thrust up in the sky makes me wonder how things aren't constantly smashing into it and shattering the windows, Mitch Shelley muses about how they manage to hide it. "Optical Camouflage?" "Holograms?" "Nano-reflective paint?" I guess me and Mitch are just concerned with different things in life. He's a curious scientist and I'm a cynical asshole.

Being in the building is beginning to trigger old memories in Mitch. He remembers the code that operates the executive elevator and they head on up the tower. He's probably also remembering which bathroom in the building was the least used and what was the best time during the day to take a giant shit without being bothered. And maybe he's remembering all of the little passive-aggressive notes people would leave on their food in the fridge in the lunchroom. Perhaps he now knows which coworkers were most likely to take their lunch break with him to snap naked pictures of each other in the Soder Delivery Van. Perhaps a memory has come back of the time he stopped the executive elevator between floors so he could jerk off while the image of the receptionists nipples poking through her sweater was still fresh in his mind. Finishing up with his seed dripping down the wall and awkwardly getting off on his floor as his penis dribbled cum down his pant leg.

Those are the types of office building memories everybody has, right?

I did find a cock ring at work one time. But that was because I was cleaning the floor of an adult bookstore's back viewing room. The place was composed of a couple of hallways filled with little viewing booths where you could lock the doors. The night shift were supposed to make sure the rooms were cleared out before we got there but one of the doors was locked one night. At some point, a shadowy figure bolted from the room as I was mopping dried semen from the floor. I'm assuming that was probably what was on the floor. When I headed over to mop up that cubicle, I found the guy's cock ring tossed in the hall outside the door. It was his because I'd already been through there sweeping. I picked it up and ran outside, "Sir! Sir! You forgot your cock ring!"

Okay, so I didn't do that last part. Although I did tap a woman on the shoulder while cleaning the floor of a 7-11 one time and said, "Ma'am, you dropped your crack pipe." You should have seen her scramble to awkwardly pick it up. She didn't even say thank you, the bitch! That was the same 7-11 where a guy was trying to buy aluminum foil and bled all over the counter from the needle holes between his fingers.

Just as an addendum, I only cleaned the porn store the one time. I also found a five dollar bill there and was unsure if I even wanted to stick it in my pocket. Also, I wore rubber gloves while cleaning that place! My co-workers usually had the porn store on their route and when they quit (finally!), I dropped the store from my route. The owner called a few times begging me to clean the store but I felt cleaning it was part of my apprenticeship and I wasn't going to keep doing that no matter how much he kept increasing the payment! A floor cleaner has to draw the line somewhere! My line includes 7-11s filled with drugged out patrons and prostitutes but cleaning little booths with glory holes haphazardly cut into the plasterboard walls by the patrons themselves was just a tad over the line. Someone's got to do it! But I think those someones are people who have bosses that tell them what to do.

So those are the kinds of things that I'd suddenly remember if I were an undying amnesiac come back to his place of business!

Mitch and Kim quickly find the Transhuman's cell and attempt a rescue.

Well, they didn't actually come to break you out, exactly. A little more selfish than that.

My favorite character in the book, The Transhuman, is finally back and he turns on Mitch! I can't blame him for that. Mitch is kind of a chump and not exactly the most interesting protagonist of The New 52. The Transhuman is far more interesting and could probably star in a more entertaining title. Hooker (Mitch's old partner now running this military-industrial company) used the Transhuman as bait to lure Mitch back. The whole complex goes on alert and The Body Doubles gear up to help take him down.

Back in Issue #3, Mitch was ready to walk into this lab alongside The Body Doubles and The Transhuman. But then he was killed by an angel and woke up in Arkham Asylum. After that, it appears everybody decided that Mitch was once again trying to run and avoid them. So it was back to hunting him using extreme measures. I'm not sure why Hooker wants him so badly. It's possible that Mitch is the result they were looking for while doing experiments on wounded soldiers in Iraq. So Hooker wants him back to study him and run tests on him to recreate the Super Serum Batch that was used on Mitch when the whole operation became a giant clusterfuck years ago and Mitch was mortally wounded.

The Body Doubles catch up with Mitch and Shelley and everything is back to square one. It's Portland all over again. Mitch seems to be getting the better of them when the Body Double Carmen tackles him through a window.

Window Replacement Guy: "GODDAMNIT!"

Mitch is killed from the fall. Carmen merely breaks her neck and multiple other bones. But she shakes it off and is back to normal in about the same amount of time Mitch takes to resurrect. And he apparently comes back as Cyclops.

Interesting. How exactly did they fail? Better Man: "I'm doing it! I'm screwing you!" Body Double Carmen: "Wrong hole, asshole." Hmm, wait. I wouldn't consider that failure!

Carmen manages to get Mitch in a sleeper hold and then orders some kind of Hammer Matter Transport thing. They're hit by a big blue beam and both of them end up back inside the lab. Mitch is out cold and Bonnie Body Double pumps him full of some kind of sedative. And that's another issue down.

Resurrection Man #11 Rating: No change. I thought maybe the cover, being so similar to last month's cover, might end up being the correct one. But once again, it seems the covers are one month ahead of the story in the comic since Mitch is never confronted by Hooker. Also, still fuzzy about how Mitch ended up in Gotham. Maybe next issue all will be revealed! It won't. Although the Zero Issue might explain some shit. I probably shouldn't be worried about how Mitch went from Portland to Gotham after being disintegrated by Suriel. I think my explanation last issue was a good explanation. I think if his body is completely destroyed with nothing left to resurrect, his current consciousness manages to move back in time and wake up in one of his bodies at a point when it's dead. Sure, that fucks with time. But who cares? This is DC! When did they ever truly care about time travel and its consequences?

Resurrection Man #10

What if Mitch Shelley came back with the power of immortality?!

Mitch and Rebecki are on the hunt for the lab where Mitch used to work before he became Resurrection Man. But he and Rebecki have no idea where to start looking. All Rebecki has is a vague image of a location which she gleaned from Mitch when she touched him. That's because she's a Perverkinetic. She gets psychic impressions when she touches people. They spend the first half of the comic finding this place and realizing it's the Transhuman's secret base. At least Andy and Dan (the writers!) didn't forget about Transhuman.

During those first ten pages, I guess the reader is supposed to learn some stuff. Rebecki can handle herself with a gun. Mitch and Rebecki like to smart off to each other a little and flirt with each other the rest of the time. Rebecki likes to Narration Box. And Mitch currently has shadow powers. Maybe I should reread the first half and see if there was any subtext.

Now I've read the first half twice and I didn't even find any pictures I wanted to scan. This is going to be the quickest commentary yet!

Here, Mitch and Kim pose for a Carrington College photo shoot. "I can't believe I had a career, not just a shitty job, in ten short months! The teachers are great and don't make me feel like a retarded drop-out! Why would anybody go to college where they can explore who they are and meet like-minded thinkers for four whole years when they can go to Carrington College and learn how to do some rote job, I mean career, in the same amount of time it took me to push out my baby!"

Mitch and Kim discover that Daryl the Transhuman stuck a tracking device in himself for some reason. They load the information into a tiny tracker so they can locate him and the lab since Mitch figures he was taken into custody by The Body Doubles after he was cremated. And speaking of cremation...

Maybe now I'll find out what caused Mitch to wake up in an ambulance in Gotham after being cremated! Although maybe it had to do with the demon realm waystation he stopped in after being cremated by Suriel. That place had lots of outlines of Mitch's corpse. Maybe he had the power to enter any one of his bodies at any place in time? Perhaps he time traveled via Resurrection which would bypass Flashpoint somehow.

Yeah, let's talk more about that!

Kim hops into some sort of Transhuman Ripley Battlemech thing and begins fighting angels with Mitch. But before the combat can be decided, some demons appear to fight for the underground team.

I would have called her a feathered cunt.

Mitch negotiates a peace treaty between the Angels and the Demons by promising them that if they leave him alone for one full week while he figures out what or who or why he is, he'll surrender himself to whichever one claims him first. I don't know what he means by that. Whichever one yells, "Dibs!" as soon as exactly one week is up?

Kim and Mitch hop in some kind of tank-van hybrid that Transhuman created and set off following the tracker to find Transhuman. And Mitch never made it to the lab on the cover! Another fucked up DC Cover!

Resurrection Man #10 Rating: No change. I'm glad the plot is moving along and including characters and plot points left behind for a few issues as Mitch dealt with his weird out of body Resurrection between Portland and Gotham. And then he had to fight the Suicide Squad because his name and Waller's were pulled out of the Which Comics Should Crossover This Month Hat. And they almost talked about what happened that time in Portland when he was killed too much! But they didn't. It's possible I would have given this issue a +1 Rating but I promised to drop it by -1 Point until the waking up in a Gotham Ambulance thing is explained. So, no change! Sorry Andy and Dan!

Resurrection Man #9

"Hurry up with that cover! Forget the background; we gotta get this shit to press!"

Last issue, Mitch was researching Mitch when he was shot in the head by the Suicide Squad dropping through the roof of the library. Secret covert black ops group my asshole!

Fucking comic books. It looks like Suicide Squad #9 takes place first. So I'm going to go read that first. It would be nice to have some editorial fucking note, DC! Be right back.

Okay! I'm back!

I didn't even need to hear it and now this song is stuck in my head. SRSLY.

This is Director Hooker's phone. Hooker is the guy that worked with Mitch Shelley on the formula that brought people back to life or reformed lost limbs or something. I forget. I don't think it was that important, right? It's probably just the thing that caused Mitch Shelley to become Resurrection Man! Anyway, I would think Hooker would have a different alert for each one of the Body Doubles calling. I doubt these two women share a phone! What if one of them calls up to rat out the other one? How is Hooker going to know which one is calling if both of them flash up on his phone as Body Doubles?

If a DC Black Ops group is ever truly secret, it won't be able to crossover with any other comic book series.

Director Hooker commands Body Double to go up against the Suicide Squad and get Mitch's body back. He calls them by name. He names Waller as the head of the Squad. Fuck! Why did any of the Squad have to go through that initiation to make sure they would never rat out Waller? Everybody fucking knows about her and her pet project Task Force X.

The Body Doubles lug out their big ass chain guns and tell Deadshot and the dozen or so Task Force X agents there to pick up the baggage (Mitch!) to freeze.

Actually, she kind of does look like she's kidding.

You know what? Deadshot and every man here is expendable! If I were one of the guys off to the side, I'd take the shot! No way are they swinging these monster guns around to shoot everyone. No way they're shooting these guns and not ending up ass over tits. I hope King Shark comes running out of the woods now! These chicks would shit their body suits.

While they're discussing who might get shot and who might start telling jokes, Mitch resurrects because that's what that fucker does! He's a fucking champ at resurrecting! Luckily he doesn't come back with the power to turn people pink but comes back as the Goddamned T-1000!

Tanks?! Who brought tanks? Were those Plan C?

The Body Doubles attack Mitch as well as Task Force X's tanks and Mitch doesn't take too kindly to that. Especially since they were getting along so well last time they were all together in Portland. Speaking of which, where the hell's the Transhuman? I was starting to like that elderly teenager.

Wait, does that mean since he can currently throw her very far, he can trust her somewhat? Or does that mean he can't trust her a lot because he can throw her? Or, um, what?

Secrecy means nothing in DC, so maybe I should stop being bewildered by everyone knowing everything about everyone else. Director Hooker calls Amanda Waller on her private cell phone. They discuss Mitch and who gets to keep him. Amanda doesn't mind turning him over and suggests her team just ran into him and were going to get him back to Hooker. You know, right after she draws his blood and experiments on him a bit.

Director Hooker traces Amanda's phone signal while talking with her so the Body Doubles know where to find her. Because Amanda Waller is at the field ops station. Sure. Okay. Also, Amanda would allow herself to be found that easily via her phone. Because she's only the leader of a top secret (not so secret) government operation. Oh yeah, he wants to know her location because Mitch Shelley has forced Deadshot to take him there because they have the Touch Psychic Rebecki at the field station.

Got all that? Okay. The rest of the Suicide Squad is waiting at the Field Ops Center when Deadshot's helicopter arrives. I guess they all recovered and hitched a ride back.

Yay! Lime is alive!

Deadshot is covered in Mitch like a suit of armor controlling him. DeadMitch defeats the rest of the Squad easily. He enters the base and Rebecki, now working a deal with Waller so that Waller will let them go free, convinces him to drop the alloy shape. He turns human and Waller shoots him in the head. How many bullets does this poor asshole have in his cranium?

Once he's down, Waller has a scientist cut off his hand. He then lets Rebecki and Mitch go. She calls Hooker and tells him Mitch got away. So sorry! Nice doing business with you.

Waller and her nano-bombs. She probably sticks one in the neck of every person she gets her hands on. I can't wait until they all start to accidentally go off.

The comic ends with Kim Rebecki and Mitch Shelley waking up in the woods. Mitch decides to trust her for now if she'll take him to the lab that Director Hooker now runs (MItch used to, I think) where they made Batch 1187 which gave the Body Doubles their powers. And it gave Mitch his powers as well when some Praying Mantis Armored Wannabe shoved injected Mitch with Batch 1187 just before Deathstroke jumped on top of it. So maybe Mitch and the readers will get some answers soon enough.

Resurrection Man #9 Rating: -1 Ranking. The comic wasn't that bad. It was really a decent no change in the rating kind of story. But the lousy comic has yet to answer what happened to Mitch when he was turned to dust in Portland and happened to wake up in an ambulance on the way to Arkham Asylum. Until I get that answer, this comic is going to get a negative one modifier to any other rating I would normally assign to it! Take that, Andy Lanning and Dan Abnett! Explain yourselves!

Suicide Squad #9

How come the go to image of Resurrection Man is his hands thrusting up out of the Earth when he's never actually buried?

The last issue of Suicide Squad doesn't really matter. It was a good issue though because the Squad finally had a moment's peace. What really matters is that the Deadshot has just shot Mitch Shelley, Resurrection Man, in the head in the middle of the Metropolis Library's Newspaper Archives. Hopefully Amanda Waller gave them the proper Intel on him and they know he'll rise up from the dead with a new superpower in a few panels. Maybe King Shark could eat him! Then Mitch could resurrect inside King Shark's tummy with Yo Yo. Then Yo Yo could recognize him and sing a song describing how Mitch ruined his Yo Yo's mother's life so Yo Yo promised to hunt Mitch down and smash his fingers and throw him naked in a hole.

Bullshit. A camera in his mask does not equal a camera that shows what Deadshot sees. Therefore, she could not have been able to tell what Deadshot was aiming at exactly.

And it looks like Amanda Waller did not warn her team that Mitch Shelley won't stay down for long. What a bitch!

Hey! The Squad has a new member named Iceberg! Are we only seeing 10% of him?

Oh, here we go! The next panel explains his super power (like it was tough to figure out! I thought maybe he threw shitty lettuce at people).

I bet his penis is an icicle!

I like the body language in the above panel. And the body language in the panel below although it seems a bit dramatic. I'm sure Black Spider disappearing after throwing down a smoke bomb is not the most surprising thing this team has ever witnessed.

These little people and their surprise look much better than R.B. Silva's posing of the Teen Titans and Legion Lost in Superboy #9.

Meanwhile, Harley Quinn is being interviewed by a psychotherapist. But she apparently isn't Harley Quinn anymore. Her near death experience has traumatized her so badly that she's referring to herself as Dr. Harleen Quinzel. Boring! She better be faking!

Back in Metropolis, this is the vehicle Iceberg stole:

Lettuce pray!

The ride doesn't last very long before Mitch Shelley returns from the dead causing a massive explosion and forcing Deadshot to yell, "Damn you, Waller!" Ah. Just like old times! Mitch has returned with "Electromagnetic Powers" which means, um, what exactly? Does he have magnetic field powers based on electricity? Or does he simply have both electric and magnetic powers? Whatever the case, Deadshot believes Light Lime can take him out!

Adam Glass missed a golden opportunity by killing Lime instead of Light. From now on, I will refer to Light as Lime!

I'm pretty sure Adam Glass gave Mitch "electromagnetic powers" because he knows Magneto is the baddest ass bad-ass in all of comics. His powers have basically been used to do anything a writer can think of. Magneto might as well have been a guy with Magic powers. Oh! MAGneto! Magic Neat-o! Um, anyway, Mitch throws El Diablo against a tree, Iceberg was knocked out from the bus exploding and King Shark was put down by being electrocuted (so I guess he does have Magnet and Electric powers!). Lime tells Deadshot to close his eyes and blasts everyone with a flash of Green Lime, blinding Mitch Shelley because the citrus burns his eyes. Deadshot and Lime run away while Mitch gives chase when his vision clears.

While King Shark is unconscious, Yo Yo makes a break for it! He crawls out of King Shark's mouth and disappears down a sewer drain. El Diablo witnesses the entire thing and says nothing more than, "¿Qúe? Yo Yo?" I don't know why the Yo Yo question doesn't have an upside down question mark as well. I guess he's saying Yo Yo's name in English. I'm pretty sure my reaction would have been, "HOLY FUCKING GOD YOU'VE BEEN LIVING IN HIS STOMACH FOR WEEKS?! OH HELLS NO!"

As Deadshot and Lime run from Mitch Shelley, Lime is arguing with her imaginary dead sister. Probably since the reader sees it from Deadshot's perspective and it's just a one sided conversation. She's bitching and moaning about how Amanda Waller needs to die. And since she isn't listening to Deadshot and she's talking about taking the one joy left in Deadshot's life (the possibility of killing Waller himself), Deadshot throws Lime in front of one of Mitch Shelley's lightning bolts and gets her killed. Dammit! I was just beginning to like her now that I'd started calling her Lime!

Deadshot leads Mitch on a merry chase to a large cliff where Deadshot survives the dive into the lake and Mitch Shelley breaks his back flopping into the water. This, Deadshot says, was Plan B. To lead Mitch into this trap at the rendezvous point. Seems like a pretty stupid Plan B if they couldn't bag Shelley in Metropolis! Make him chase you miles outside the city and through a cave and over a cliff! Yeah. I doubt that was really Plan B! Don't make me lose my suspension of disbelief after having such a fun story to this point, Adam Glass!

I guess Plan B included a chainsaw at the rendezvous point. You know. For some reason.

Suicide Squad #9 Rating: +1 Ranking. The comic had a lot of images and lines that kept it light and fun. And the image I didn't scan of Yo Yo crawling into the sewers moaning, "gaaaaawwwwddd," was excellent. I mean, the picture wasn't so awesome it needed to be seen. But that moment in the comic book: wonderful.

Resurrection Man #8

This cover is completely stupid. Stupider even.

Resurrection Man #8 begins with two additional people looking for Mitch Shelley: a detective named Kim Rebecki who uses Psychometry (psychically finding people?) and a guy named The Butcher who uses Necromancy. Besides these guys, the Gotham Police and all law enforcement agents want him because he escaped from the Gotham Police morgue Arkham Asylum. Also, Body Double wants to find him because he's their asshole leader of whatever covert group they work for. And Suriel the Angel and some Demon Guy are also trying to find him. I think that makes for an exciting comic and a very easy story to come up with.

Dan Abnett, Writer: How did you like my story arc about him going to Portland and fighting the hot chicks and the old guy? Pretty cool, hunh?! Now it's your turn to write and I left you one hell of a wicked cliffhanger by turning Mitch to dust!
Andy Lanning, the other Writer: Oh, just wait until you see my idea! I'm going to completely fucking ignore your stupid cliffhanger (I mean, seriously, DEAD DEAD? The angel killed him TOO much?) and start over completely with him waking up in Gotham! He'll still feel compelled to go from place to place like before but the angel can't find him!
Dan Abnett: Cool! But you know what this comic needs? More people trying to find him!
Andy Lanning: Oh yeah! Of course! We literally can't get too many people chasing him! And everyone wants him dead!
Both Together: BUT HE CAN'T DIE! Bwa ha ha ha ha!

The part of the story that probably made them giggle and hug themselves was the part where they called the story Manhunt not because two new people were searching for him but because Mitch Shelley is searching for himself! For his old self, to be a tiny bit more precise. That's just the sort of thing writers orgasm over and can't wait to point out to other people. "Look how clever I am, you fucking tart! I'M A GODDAMNED WRITER!"

Wow, I'm really being bitchy to Dan and Andy! But I think they deserve it! Five issues in and the story seems to be going somewhere and then they completely fucking derail it. It's like Legion Lost over here!

Well, the internet should surely know who you are! Maybe you should check your Myspace page. Or your Friendster. Soul Exchange!?!

Mitch Shelley seems a bit old to think his answers can be found on the internet. This is a work of fiction, though, so he might find something. Over at my normal webpage, Places and Predators dot com, I've been slowly (ever so slowly) working on a Bible Study and Commentary. Because of this page, most of the search terms used to find my site have to do with The Bible. I think it's hilarious how many people read The Bible, find a portion that is unclear (the whole thing?), and then ask the internet to clear it up. Like the internet is some source that has the answer to everything! The Internet trumps The Bible. I mean, really, it does. But that statement is still pretty funny and possibly blasphemous. But it still doesn't stop people who believe The Bible is the ultimate manual to life from looking to the internet for answers The Bible won't give up.

Yeah, that's it Mitch. You don't show up on the internet because you're too classified. Maybe you just don't have an internet presence because you've been roaming the world as an amnesiac super hero.

While heading to the newsprint archive, he runs into Detective Kim Rebecki and she gets an overload Psychometric message from him. She collapses from the overwhelming power and he touches her boobies. No, no. Um, well, maybe!

He might have even touched her Twiddle Crevice!

And then Alan Moore The Butcher crashes the party! Literally! Well, he literally crashes the figurative party!

He's a Fatomancer.

The Butcher kills Shelley and tries to use Shelley's life force to cast a spell as Shelley resurrects. Once Mitch resurrects, he takes his life power back from The Butcher and The Butcher's spell backfires, using The Butcher's life force to power it and destroying The Butcher! Like using Black Razer against an undead opponent!

Once he's out of the picture, Mitch begins speaking with Kim and realizes she knows a hell of a lot more about him than he does. He wants her to tell him all about himself but she won't do it here in public. But before they can go anywhere, well, you can guess what happens again.

And guess who killed him this time! Guess! GUESS!

Way to go, Deadshot!

Resurrection Man Issue #8 Rating: No change. Hopefully this comic is moving ahead and will get past this Who Am I? crap pretty soon. It's not really interesting when that point is shoved at you ever other panel. It would be more interesting if he were just doing things and his journey of self-discovery was more of a background notion. But this gets old pretty fast. It's like when a caller on Coast to Coast calls up George Knapp to tell him some crazy story where he ran into some aliens. Instead of telling the story in a concise way, the caller will pause and wait for reactions and ask things like, "Can you guess what happened next?" and other annoying things. The caller thinks it's somehow building tension in the story simply by dragging it out. But it's really just building the obnoxiousness. Or something. So hurry up and get on with it, Resurrection Man. We're waiting for the real story to start.

Resurrection Man #7

Every time Mitch is killed, all of his past offenses should be forgiven, right?

Mitch escaped Arkham by getting his head blown off. Now he's on the run and he's found himself in Metropolis reading articles by some schlub named Clark Kent.

Maybe the rest of his article deals with the people driven out and displaced by the process. No wonder Superman and Batman don't get along!

Mitch awakens to the sound of Metropolis PD outside his building. He thinks they've come for him but it turns out they've got a lead on a Mr. Untouchable and his meth lab a few floors below Mitch. During the chaos, Mitch wonders why he's even in Metropolis. Something drew him there but he doesn't know what it was. Just like something drew him to Portland. And apparently Arkham although that was kind of completely different in a disintegration kind of way.

What it seems is happening to Mitch is that he's back to where the comic started. He's one of those Kung Fu / David Bruce Banner guys going from city to city looking for answers. His dream seemed to give him a whole bunch of answers but he had forgotten it until now. He remembers it because Mr. Untouchable comes crashing out of the apartment wearing one of those force fields that Mitch was wearing in his dream.

I'm beginning to wonder if Mitch even remembers being in Portland with Body Double and the Transhuman? Or if Dan Abnett even remembers it!

Mitch uses his Blue Fire power to save a bunch of people by controlling the flames and making a safe passage out of the building. One of the Metropolis Police recognize him and tries to arrest him even though he's helping out. But an explosion allows Mitch to escape. The only problem is he heads back into the building to rescue more people.

Mitch is killed again by Mr. Untouchable but comes back to life with psychokinesis. He manages to contain the explosion when the hotel meth lab blows and mob arms and ammunition blows up. He's also able to remove Mr. Untouchable's force field and leave him for police. He then wanders off to the Metropolis Library with his new-found wisdom about who he might be and what might be causing him to do the things he's doing.

Yeah but how did you end up in Gotham after being disintegrated in Portland? Answer that already!

Resurrection Man Issue #7 Rating: -2 Ranking. If you're just going to ignore one story arc right in the middle to begin another story arc, at least make it different from how the first story arc began! It's like this comic book is just starting over from scratch.