Eclipso: The Darkness Within #2 (October 1992)

I wanted to call it "The Many Tits and Asses of Evil" but that was a bit too much work in Corel Photopaint.

Eclipso: The Darkness Within #2 (October 1992)
By Keith Giffen, Robert Loren Fleming, Bart Sears, Mark Pennington, Randy Elliott, Raymond Kryssing, Gaspar, and Tom McCraw
Cover by Bart Sears and Mark Pennington
Edited by Eddie Berganza and Michael Eury

• I know I can use a bunch of modern applications that would basically change the cover for me with a quick suggestion to a machine but where's the fun in that? Most of my artistic endeavours¹ have come from my brain suggesting something fucking ridiculous and my body having to figure out how to comply. Besides, I've been using Corel Photopaint for over 25 years so it's practically like breathing or keeping my heart beating. Plus I purchased it once² and that was it! No fucking subscription. I just have to make sure I don't lose the Install CD which, um, I've done so, well, there's always eBay, I guess? No, no. I'm sure it's around here somewhere.

• Okay. Right. Nobody cares about my Corel Photopaint career. If I thought anybody did, I'd send you to the Internet Archive of my old site to see all the great work I did with it: 8-bit buttons, moving advert banners, Dwarflover, and so, so much more. It's on Internet Archive because Doom Bunny stopped paying the miniscule hosting bill. He also pays the miniscule hosting bill for the site which houses all of my comic book scans. I just mention that so when that day eventually comes where the links to all of my comic books scans are broken, you'll know who to blame! I really need to get control of that payment!

• Not only does this cover have Lobo and Guy Gardner, it also has Klarion the Witch Boy! You might not have noticed him because you were staring at Starfire's ass and Black Canary's ass and the L.E.G.I.O.N. lady's ass. Sorry, I don't recognize most of the L.E.G.I.O.N. characters by name and I'm less interested in figuring their names out than I am in figuring out the names of the Legion of Super-hero horndogs.

• The characters possessed by Eclipso when this issue begins: Valor, Lady Quark, Star Sapphire, Starfire, Flash, Green Lantern, Changeling, The Creeper, Hawkwoman, Wonder Woman, Deathstork, Maxima, Power Girl, Red Star, Pantha, Starman, Mona Bennett, and Klarion the Witch Boy³. This issue begins with all of them (minus Valor and Starman) battling a bunch of heroes and Lobo in that crater in Arizona. Judging by all the newly Eclipsed characters on the cover, they're going to lose. That makes sense because Bruce Gordon, his team of geniuses, and Science Itself will need to rise up to save the world from the moon.

• Before the battle can take place, the moon becomes completely devoid of reflected sunlight as the Earth's shadow fully eclipses it, at least from the perspective of the crater in Arizona. A massive purple beam shoots down from the moon to transport all of the Eclipsed characters to the moon. Instead of cheering and celebrating because how can Eclipso take over the Earth when his entire army is on the moon, the heroes figure they need to somehow go to the moon to beat them up. Not one of them remarks, "Yay! They fled! We win! Earth is saved!" They might be stupid. Or I'm super ignorant of military tactics? I shouldn't have made that a question because it's true: I am super ignorant of military tactics. The question mark was just meant to convey that I don't know if that has any pertinence to the current story.

• Eclipso has used Starman's shapechanging power to make his face not have an Eclipso tattoo and to change his voice from purple gravel to normal old black type in white bubble speak. He's pretending to be one of the heroes by constantly screaming, "We need to follow the Eclipsed heroes to the moon! We need to go to the moon! Hurry, don't even think about it for a second! We have to get to the moon! Staying on Earth is the real trap when you think about it! But don't think about it! Just get to the trap! I mean moon!"

• I knew Eclipso's plan was to somehow absorb the powers of the people he possessed during the eclipse of the moon but it turns out to be far more literal than I expected.

"Um, uh, why do I have the urge to fuck underage girls? Can somebody help me unabsorb this guy?!"

• I don't know why Deathstork was "an easy one" but I'm going to assume it has to do with his age. It's like how old people are so easily absorbed by Fox News. They just turn to the channel and they're all, "Oh no! I'm scared of everything now! Kill brown people!"

For some reason, Blue Devil makes an appearance. Did he drop by to proclaim he wasn't a hero so he wouldn't be able to help out?

• Maybe Blue Devil appeared in The Demon annual. Although Bronze Tiger and Nightshade have also made an appearance and I don't remember a Suicide Squad tie-in annual. I think some of the Challengers of the Unknown are also at the big Let's Murder Eclipso Conference. Perhaps Giffen and Fleming just told Bart Sears to add whoever the fuck he wanted to draw.

• Some of the more loserish heroes have a problem with the "Murder" part of the Conference title but Vril Dox just tells them to shut up. They seem to take the Batman approach and decide that if they don't take part in the actual stabbing on the Senate floor, they won't have any blood on their hands. Even though they know the plan and they know what's about to happen. It's like when you own a cat that you let outside. You can easily take the stance that the bird your cat ripped up isn't on your conscience but you were the one who made the choice to let the cat out of the door.⁴ This doesn't apply to people whose cats can unlock and open doors.

• Meanwhile on the moon, Eclipso is absorbing all of the possessed heroes. I guess that'll be the argument against Vril Dox murdering Eclipso. Saving Eclipso will simply be an act of saving all of their friends. Not that Vril Dox will care. He's super logical which means that if he sees a goal as needing to be accomplished, it doesn't matter how many people will have to die to accomplish that goal. Even if that goal is to kill one person. You can't allow one person to not die just because it would mean seventeen other people will die! Are you crazy?! What kind of hippie peacenik thinks like that?!⁵

• The panel where Eclipso absorbs all of the other heroes is so gross I'm not going to scan it. Mostly because it's hard to use the scanner when I keep retching.

• Lobo decided not to take part in this mission because then it would go too easily. Instead, he stayed behind in Circus, Circus to play craps. I'm not kidding. He stayed behind to gamble. He's just like me! I also would rather gamble than risk my life to save the world!

• Starman continues to be way too insistent on walking into Eclipso's trap. Still, nobody suspects he's a double agent working for Eclipso. Unless they do. This story was called "Brilliant Men" and unless it was ironic, Vril Dox must know Starman is a traitor, right? Also, nobody has yet asked, "What happened to Superman?"

I don't even know who this guy is⁶ and yet he's the smartest guy currently on the moon!

• Everybody follows Starman into the palace where he reveals he's actually Eclipso. Everybody is shocked at the revelation! But more importantly, they're all slightly irritated that he fooled them. And since irritation is the precursor to murderous rage, they all become possessed by the God of Vengeance! But I guess the rules set down through the rest of the series where the possessed have to destroy the thing that caused them rage doesn't apply in the foyer of Eclipso's moon palace because they don't immediately descend on Starman and tear him to bits.

• While Eclipso's in the middle of taunting Mona by showing her how he's disgustingly absorbing everybody into his body, a portal opens with a flash of sunlight and Bruce Gordon appears with Team Solar Flare! Superman was recruited because he could probably destroy Eclipso just by pissing on him. That's not how this issue ends, is it? Did I just guess how it ends? I bet I did!

• I think this is where the big fight was but, once again, I've ripped out most of the pages and replaced them with pictures of Lobo fucking chicks at the Bunny Ranch. I guess twenty year old me found that more interesting than a huge fight between Superman and Valor meant to show how awesome Valor is so that everybody would buy up his new series just hitting the shelves after this series wrapped up. It must have worked because I own at least the first issue of that series. But I also would have purchased this series where Lobo blows all his cash at a legal brothel in Las Vegas.

• Anyway, the good guys unEclipse everybody and make their way out of the palace just in the nick of time because the palace turns into the God Eclipso.

Yes! Massive shirtless Eclipso on the moon! Twelve year old me's dream of being an astronaut has returned! Get me on the next Artemis mission!

• Bruce Gordon and Starman are still inside Eclipso with a Sun Bomb. I'll assume they're in the urethra for mostly logical reasons and not pornographic fantasy ones.

• Massive Shirtless Eclipso somehow has a massive Black Diamond which he's going to look through so he can murder everybody with Black Diamond Laser Beams. I don't know where this massive Black Diamond came from. I guess if you think about it logically, it was in his urethra.

• Bruce Gordon's taking too long to set off the bomb so Starman goes, "Fuck it! I'm a human bomb! I'll kill him myself!" And Bruce Gordon yells, "Wait! What are you doing? How am I going to get out of this urethra alive if you blow yourself up!" And Starman is all, "You should have thought about that when you were attaching a timer to your bomb that takes fifteen minutes to fucking set up!"

See? The explosion was centered in the urethra.⁷

• Starman is the only person who died to make way for James Robinson's Starman. Bruce Gordon survives to set up the Eclipso comic series. Superman tells Lar Gand that he accomplished an amazing feat of "valor" to set up his comic book series. And my 20 year old self thought, "I'm going to buy all of these series! Except for James Robinson's Starman because I'll have forgotten all about this Starman in the two years it takes to relaunch Starman!" Eclipso isn't dead because he has to come back for that series I just mentioned so instead of being dead, he picks himself up off the surface of the moon and quotes Winston Churchill for some reason. Was Churchill one of Eclipso's possessed puppet people?

The Ranking
I mean, it was okay, I guess. Retconning the whole idea of Eclipso was a nice idea for a big DC Summer Event. He's much better as the God of Vengeance than some two-bit villainous paranormal spirit possessing a guy named after Batman and Commission Gordon. Did I need to purchase all of the annuals? Obviously not but FOMO drove a ton of my comic book purchases back in the day. Not all of them because I just couldn't afford to follow as many series as I would have liked. But a one-time blockbuster summer event? Sure, why not! Plus in the '90s these massive annuals were cheaper than a modern twenty page monthly! You could just walk into a comic book shop, sweep a whole row of new comics off the shelf and into your backpack, and maybe just skip lunch for a few days. People will try to point out that the cheap prices were balanced out by lower wages but that's just theory coming out of the mouths of people who don't know any better. The cost of living was much more balanced back in the '90s. You might have had a lower wage but you could buy way more for that wage than you can buy with a much higher wage now. That was a good thing for comic books! Companies and indie publishers could experiment and try loads of different shit while people wouldn't mind risking a buck and a half to check it out. Now you can't risk shit if you're asking people to buy your comic at a five dollar cover price! Who would dare?! You can get a hit of LSD for that price! Can't you? I don't know how much LSD costs anymore. But back in my youth, you could get a tab for the price of a comic book!


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¹ Yes, I consider changing the word "FACES" to "ASSES" art.
² At least, somebody purchased it. I just wound up with the Install CD.
³ He must have been possessed in The Demon annual which I have yet to read.
⁴ I'm not making a judgment on people who let their cats outside. I'm just making a judgment on people who can manage to feel that any mayhem their cat does while outside isn't somehow their responsibility.
⁵ Me, actually. I'm that hippie peacenik!
⁶ If I had to guess, it's either Doctor Light or Keith Giffen. Maybe it's a Challenger of the Unknown because I don't know why Keith Giffen or a suspected pedo would have come on the mission.
⁷ What am I? A doctor?

Eclipso: The Darkness Within: The Adventures of Superman Annual #4 (August 1992)

Guy Gardner AND Lobo on the cover of a '90s comic book? This issue must have sold a trillion copies!

The Adventures of Superman Annual #4 (August 1992)
By Robert Loren Fleming, Bob McLeod, Albert De Guzman, and Matt Hollingsworth
Cover by Joe Quesada and Jimmy Palmiotti
Edited by Dan Thorsland and Mike Carlin

• I've been trying to interpret this cover for three days now. Here's what I've concluded: Superman's right side has been Eclipsed which is why his right arm and right bollock¹ are so massive. Lobo has shoved his hook up his own ass to stimulate his Czarnian prostate because it makes killing feel so much better. With Lobo about to bite into Superman's midsection, this might be the first cover by an artist who understood the true meaning of Lobo's name². Superman has shoved Krypto up his ass to lick his prostate which is why he's currently having a screaming orgasm. He didn't do it in anticipation of this battle; he was just doing it for kicks when he was attacked by Lobo. Guy Gardner, not being the best at smarts, believes a gigantic fireball made out of yellow light will harm Superman and/or Lobo. It's also possible he was so late to the battle that he has yet to get his yellow fireball up his ass so that it massages his prostate while he, oh, I don't know, sucks Lobo's dick? Is that how everybody else sees this cover? Seems pretty logical to me. • This is the final Eclipso: The Darkness Within annual that I have to read unless I find the Green Arrow and The Demon annuals. I know I have The Demon annual with my run of Grant and Semieks series. But was I getting Green Arrow at the time? That doesn't seem possible. The only time I remember purchasing Green Arrow of my own free will³ was when Kevin Smith was writing it. But I wasn't reading most of these other series that I purchased the annuals for so it's weird that I don't have Green Arrow. Maybe I've just always hated him that much and I couldn't bear to spend the money on it. I probably thought, "I could play a full game of Cyberball for two dollars and fifty cents instead!"

I'm going to guess that Lobo was so drunk that he just assumed he was in Antarctica when he visited the Fortress and saw the snow and polar bears.

• You know what? I give up. I always figured Superman's Fortress of Solitude was in the Arctic but enough writers keep putting it in the Antarctic that I'm simply tired of fighting it. I'm glad they finally put it in the Bermuda Triangle. Or wherever the fuck it is now. It's been in so many different places, no wonder no writer can keep it straight.

• When I was a young prepubescent dimwit of moderate energy, I once decided to dig a hole in my backyard. Not a small hole. No, this was going to be the biggest hole anybody had ever seen since the Chicxulub crater was discovered. And since this possibly took place before that was discovered, it was going to simply be the biggest hole. I dug down about two feet but the diameter of the hole was near four feet. It was about that time that I uncovered something that looked a lot like that disgusting L.E.G.I.O.N. member scanning the Antarctic for Superman except that it was brown. I had no idea what it was but when I hit it with my shovel, it split open and oozed what I'm assuming was all of its gooey life essences out into the dirt. I had no idea what it was and didn't even consider it was something living, some kind of pupa or chrysalis. But when I saw it rupture and spill vital fluids across the dirt, I freaked out. I threw down my shovel and ran inside the house to hide from, well, I don't know what I was hiding from. I was just completely creeped out. The hole remain undug for several years. I believe, at some point, long after the unheimlich of the incident had faded from my blood, my friends and I used the crater as a battle place for some kind of Warhammer game that wasn't exactly Warhammer but I can't remember what it was.

• Apparently as a young boy, "running inside the house to hide" was my go-to move. I also used to go out in the driveway late at night and shine a flashlight into the starry sky until I was sure that aliens had noticed me and were homing in on my location. I'd become a living goosebump and run inside to hide from the aliens. If they came knocking, they could take my mother. I'd be safe under my Scooby Doo blanket!

• In this comic book, we learn nothing. I was going to say one of two things but since you can't be sure which it is (among, I'm sure, an infinite amount of interpretations being that human beings are infinitely stupid and also finitely smart), you effectively learn nothing. Those two things that totally don't matter are this: Alfred totally wasn't in the SAS at all and he's a huge fucking liar and massive scaredy cat; or Alfred has an infinite amount of patience with Batman's wards and willingly indulges their stupid pranks to make them feel good.

I guess the fact that Alfred doesn't instantly kill Dick here isn't really proof that Alfred wasn't SAS. I guess.

• After Alfred shits his pants and/or puts away the blade that was mere seconds from going through Dick's eye and piercing his brain, he calls Dick a "scamp". That sounds like a slur for circus people!

• Nightwing's searching for Superman in the Batcave but Alfred is all, "No Superman here, according to the Batcave Sensors which, as you know, are especially dialed in to detect Superman so Batman can kill him." The fact that Nightwing looks for Superman in the Batcave after Superman's turned evil says a lot about the tenuous relationship between Clark and Bruce. Or Nightwing just figured that Superman had to hide from the sun as Eclipso so why not the Batcave? It's dark and full of people who would beat his ass when they discovered he was there. He might be a great trapeze artist with a stylish mullet and ponytail but he's a shit detective.

• Have you ever spent a few hours fantasizing about seeing Crimson Fox and Black Canary wrestle in shit? If so, you're in lucky, baby!

The guy with the waggly nose that's always sniffing out mysteries can't smell that the mud they're wrestling in is shit.

• If any superhero team ever needed a sexual harassment in the work place seminar, it's Justice League Europe. And I don't just meant the guys! The way Crimson Fox, Catherine Cobert, and Sue Dibny treated Captain Atom like a prime hunk of fat cock was just as hot and sexy⁴ as when Wally and Ralph did treated Power Girl like a sentient pair of tits.

• Booster Gold manages to locate Superman using a computer all by himself without any help at all, probably, from Skeets and an earpiece.

• For some reason, Wildebeest is hanging out with Booster, Fire, Ice, and Bloodwynd. I really don't fucking care to know why. I'm more interested in why Fire has blonde hair.

It's easy enough to answer: it's a coloring mistake. Her hair is green in every other panel. Boo. I want in-continuity reasons!

• If you're wondering where Blue Beetle is, he was kidnapped by Bruce Gordon and taken to the Ozymandias's Band of Geniuses Building a Massive Alien Octopus and Light Gun to Shoot the Moon Island.

• Aquaman makes an appearance riding a Killer Whale and completely failing like always. He didn't get an annual because he sucks jellyfish dick⁵ and nobody would have purchased it in much the same way that I refused to purchase the Green Arrow annual.

• Everybody gathers on the side of the volcano where they've discovered Superman is hiding. Yes, even Aquaman. How's he going to help? I know, that's not fair. I could be asking the same question about Ice or Crimson Fox or Elongated Man or Black Canary. Not only are they going to battle Superman, they're going to do it inside of an active volcano. Is that why the cover depicts Guy and Lobo battling Superman? Because everybody else dies in the volcano in the first chapter?

• Guy Gardner makes his debut appearance (since undergoing his transformation in his three issue prestige format series) and really princesses it up. As if a white gloves, a pair of jeans, and cowboy boots are the hottest look of the year.

I've never seen Hal Jordan preen this badly and Hal loves to preen.

• Preen. Preeeeeeeen. Preeen. Preen. Sounds weird.

• I'm missing the next twenty pages of the comic book because I tore them out and replaced them with my own drawings of Guy Gardner and Lobo sucking and fucking each other like crazy. It's actually pretty romantic stuff. I like a little bit of sweetness and story to my hand-drawn pornography.

• Later we'll discover that Bloodwynd is really J'onn J'onzz in disguise. I'm not sure that was always supposed to be the plan or, if it was, nobody told Robert Loren Fleming because Bloodwynd tackles the volcano like a champ who isn't at all a Martian.

Wait. Did we also discover, later later, that Bloodwynd really did exist? But this version was J'onn, right? Fuck comic book continuity is so confusing.

• Lobo immediately gets his ass beat by Eclipso Superman because in 1992, the main way to show that somebody was really powerful was to have them defeat the Main Man. Every writer wanted to do a story where the hero they were writing defeats Lobo to show that they could best the absolute best. Which wound up making Lobo a huge punching bag who didn't seem capable of beating everybody. Also he was ass-raped in Hitman by Bueno Excellente which seemed, up, excessive?

• Metamorpho causes the volcano to erupt which ejects Superman and everybody else into the air. But it's moments too late as the sun just sets as Superman takes to the air. It seems the Earth is about to lose everything to Eclipso. And all because Superman gave himself to Eclipso to save the population of one small town. That would, of course, immediately be enslaved by Eclipso when Eclipso used Superman to take over the world. You know, Batman wouldn't have been so stupid. I mean, sure, Batman Eclipsed himself on purpose to defeat Eclipsed Joker. But he knew they'd wind up in a stalemate and the morning sun would interrupt their fight and save them both. Because he's no Superman⁶.

• All of the heroes who gathered at the volcano to stand around uselessly as the heroes with powers tried to stop Superman wind up being needed to save the villagers of the island escape the lava from the volcano which the heroes caused to erupt. They bring them to the ocean where there aren't enough boats for everybody so Aquaman brings in some whales leading to Nightwing saying the rarest statement in the history of DC Comics.

But I mean, did he? Really?

• Having a character exclaim that Aquaman saved the day makes it feel like Aquaman must not have actually saved the day or else why would readers need a massive shot of Nightwing enthusiastically stating it? This feels like Batman got Nightwing alone for a moment early in the morning and said, "If you get the chance, really play up Aquaman's part in the heroics. I feel like he's starting to think he's just as useless as we all know he is."

• Eclipso Superman beats the shit out of everybody for a few minutes until Guy Gardner, having raced to the sun and back in, presumably, sixteen minutes, brings back a big scoop of solar matter to dump in Superman's face. Then he tackles him into the volcano where Superman finally returns to normal and where Guy's boots, jeans, and white gloves don't burn off of his body. I guess the Sinestro ring is as good at protecting its host as the Green Lantern rings.

• All of the heroes and villains who have been Eclipsed are gathering at the crater in Arizona. Pantha is one of them which explains why Wildebeest was being babysat by Bloodwynd. I forgot exactly what happened during the Titans Annual because I re-read it a few years ago when I was re-reading the Titans series.

• Dick and Superman track down all of the missing scientists except Dick leaves Superman t find them himself because he has to go fight the Eclipsed Titans in a crater. So Superman goes on his own and walks into a trap! But it's just a trap for Eclipso in that Superman gets blasted with sunlight as he walks in on the scientists. But that's where this issue ends. As if readers are going to be all, "Oh no! Superman walked into a trap! He's done for!" He's fine! Just a little more powered up, probably!

The Ranking!
That's the end of The Darkness Within annuals! Only one book left: Eclipso: The Darkness Within #2! This annual was really good because Lobo and Guy Gardner and Lobo and Lobo and Guy Gardner and — you won't believe this one — Phase's ass. Hoo boy! What an ass! It may have excited me more than Lobo and Guy Gardner beating the shit out of Superman.


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¹ Bollock not depicted. But, believe me, it's fucking huge.
² In the Czarnian language, Lobo means "One who devours your entrails and thoroughly enjoys it."
³ No, nobody forced me to purchase it without my consent. I added that condition because reading The New 52 Green Arrow wasn't my free will; it was just a necessary part of the project to read all of The New 52 books every month.
⁴ I mean despicable. I meant to say despicable!
⁵ They must have dicks, right? Big stinging danglers!
⁶ Meaning he's smart. Like how when I said Superman was no Batman, that meant Superman was dumb.

Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #62 (Fourth Thursday of January 2026)

E!TACT! #62
Invasion! Book Two: Battleground Earth, Eclipso: The Darkness Within: Superman The Man of Steel Annual #1, and Cerebus #40
By Grunion Guy!


Comic Book Reviews!

Oh fuck this issue had a Globalist agenda!

Invasion! Book Two: Battleground Earth (November 1988)
By Keith Giffen, Bill Mantlo, Todd McFarlane, P. Craig Russell, Al Gordon, Joe Rubenstein, Tom Christopher, Carl Gafford, Agustin Mas, and John Costanza
Edited by Kevin Dooley and Andrew Helfer, of course.

Now hold on! Wait a second! Let me explain! I didn't mean "Globalist" as an antisemitic dog whistle! I meant it as a cat whistle for people who understand that we're all just human beings and we shouldn't be denigrating other people simply because of man made imaginary lines crisscrossing the globe! You know, borders! I'm talking about borders! Globalism should be considered the opposite of Imperialism. We don't want to force our beliefs and way of lives on other people; we want to integrate all of our ways of life so that anything can be experienced, everything available to all. Fuck Gatekeepers and Imperialists and Xenophobes and ICE and Donald Trump and every fucking Republican who somehow thinks there's still a difference between MAGA and conservatism. Oh! Also fuck neo-liberal Democrats who have basically decided they're the new Reagan Conservatives. You know, the ones who think they can steal votes from centrist Republicans without fucking realizing that even so-called moderate Republicans have been so brainrotted by propaganda that they will never consider voting for an awful, terrible Democrat even if those Democrats' values and beliefs basically mirror '80s Republicans. Embrace progressives and the left, you dumbies! There's nothing to gain in the center! FOX News and MAGA propaganda have tainted anything labeled "Democrat" and they'll never fucking vote for you, no matter how many one-off Liz Cheneys you court to your side.

I wonder how many people in 1988 exploded into apoplectic rage when they saw Wonder Woman and Captain Atom raising the flag of the United Nations? Obviously that communist Martian Manhunter would be doing it! And that half-liberal academic Firestorm! What makes me laugh (angry laugh!) is that no matter how rational the reason given by some anti-Globalist jerk, all it ever amounts to is "I hate foreigners but I know I shouldn't say that." I mean, okay, since 2016, they've begun to learn that they can say it. But pretty soon, they're all going to re-learn consequences. I don't have any power to deliver those consequences myself which is why I no longer speak with my father or many friends I grew up with. Because withholding the joy of being my friend is the only power I have over anybody. Mostly because I never wanted power over anyone! Desiring power is a fool's game only played by self-loathing jerks who need constant affirmation from others, even if that affirmation must be coerced. I'm just a smol guy!

The DC Universe's post-Crisis map of Earth was all kinds of fucked up.

Between Invasion! Book One and Invasion! Book Two were a number of crossover issues in DC's monthly titles. In 1988, I couldn't afford to purchase every book with an "INVASION! CROSSOVER!" label across the top. Luckily, the important bits are recapped at the beginning of this issue because DC probably still thought mostly kids were reading their comics in 1988 and not middle-aged losers still living with their parents. Sorry! I meant smart middle-aged people saving a buck who loved their parents dearly and would never trade them for their independence and their virginity.

Apparently during the crossover issues this guy died when Aquaman failed to save him:

"Who's that?" you're probably thinking. That's Celsius. "Who's that?" you're probably thinking.

Also during the crossovers, Superman negotiated a 24 hour ceasefire to give the Earthlings time to round up all the superheroes and offer them up on a silver platter. The Dominators were dumb enough to fall for that ploy because Superman's so honest, I guess? They must have heard he stands for truth so they were all, "Well, we have to believe him then!" But they forgot he also stands for The American Way which is all about lying your ass off to get one over on the next guy and make a shit-ton of money. As for the "shit-ton of money", Max Lord will probably give Superman a huge bonus if this works.

Even with only half of that cake showing, it's fucking mouthwatering.

I should explain for my more prudish readers that by "cake" I meant "Captain Atom's ass."

Captain Atom, being the super general assigned to this war, maps out his strategy: attack the aliens! Batman agrees that's a good strategy but he's afraid too many superheroes suck ass and won't be able to do it. So Amanda Waller steps up and is all, "Well you'll just have to team up with the super villains!" Nobody mentions that most of the super villains suck as well. My suggestion would be to break open the bottled city of Kandor and send six hundred Supermen and Superwomen off to battle the aliens.

Couldn't somebody — anybody! — have shown Todd McFarlane a map of the Earth?

So Chapter Two sees the heroes of Earth break the ceasefire. This isn't dishonorable because their home is under attack and also they're the heroes and also most of them are Americans and that's three categories of people who feel righteous when they use violence so take that, Dominators! In your fucking face which is mostly teeth anyway! The most important part of the battle is when Superman learns the Daxamites are as strong as he is. But also the next most important part is when he realizes they're all losing their powers because of something in the air and he has to save their lives. That was almost six more deaths on Thomas Midgley, Jr's conscious. As if his conscious would even notice a mere six more deaths! The third most important part of Chapter Two is when the Daxamites are all, "Hey, you're pretty noble, Superman! Maybe we're on the wrong side!" That'll probably come back to bite the Dominators in their almost certainly way too toothy asshole.

Chapter Three takes place across the universe where the nerd Dominator has isolated the Meta-Gene. He believes it will make the other Dominators respect him but they won't because he still just has a tiny little red circle on his forehead instead of a massive one. Also there's a fatal flaw in his calculations that won't be exposed for another thirty years or so: the letter "L". Because it's the Metal-Gene and not the Meta-Gene, idiot!

Like every other gene in a person's body, it's found in just a single location. I wonder where the Penis gene is? I bet it's somewhere stupid like between the 3rd and 4th toe on the left foot.

This nerd dominator has invented the Meta-Gene-Bomb that can negate the Meta-Gene rendering all of Earth's super-heroes harmless! Except Superman because he's an alien. And also Batman because he doesn't have a meta-gene. And maybe Blue Beetle but, like, who cares, right?

The Daxamites call home and invite more Daxamites to play. When they arrive, they basically rout what's left of the alien alliance. The Dominators decide to blow up Earth rather than surrender but never get the chance because Boston Brand's been possessing characters right and left throughout this issue, even people just off at the bottom of a panel doing nothing. You could always tell because they had a glowing aura around them. I guess The Spectre allowed him to fight with the heroes because nobody would really notice.

Boston even gets to blow his own brains out at one point.

You would think that was the end of the invasion but there's still one 80 page book left. I guess that nerd Dominator with the Meta-Gene-Bomb is really going to fuck things up all on his own. Too bad all the Dominators with massive red dots are too dead to notice him.

The Ranking
Book Two ends on a high note without any suggestion that more tomfoolery by the Dominators is afoot (other than the back cover). If you were a kid in 1988 who couldn't afford Book Three, it wouldn't matter! The first two books tell a solid tale of a near catastrophic invasion that forced the people of the world to come together to battle their massive squid overlords. I mean the yellow toothy overlords. That squid thing was a big fake that probably didn't allow for world peace to last long because of stupid Rorschach and his stupid diary of stupid and violent observations. What a jerk that guy was! Anyway, that was kind of fun and I didn't mention Wally West's dad sacrificing his life to stop the Durlans because his sacrifice apparently doesn't take and he pops up again later to be a pain in Wally's ass. I think the only other heroes that died were about twenty-eight different Omega Men.

I can't decide which I think is too wide: Superman's thigh, his S-logo, or his face.

Superman: The Man of Steel Annual #1 (1992)
By Chris Wozniak, Robert Loren Fleming, Brad Vancata, Albert de Guzman, and Matt Hollingsworth
Cover by Joe Quesada and Jimmy Palmiotti
Edited by Mike Carlin and Dan Thorsland

In the opening issue of The Darkness Within DC money grab, Eclipso managed to possess Valor when Valor entered into Eclipso's palace on the moon which, we learn, basically means Valor penetrated Eclipso. Valor is inside Eclipso. Valor took his whole body and he slid inside Eclipso's gaping orifice. Before now, Eclipso didn't realize he was powerful enough to possess superheroes. He just thought his abilities allowed him to possess one schlub of a solar scientist named Bruce Gordon (hmm, I wonder how Bob Haney came up with that name? (Oh, look. It explains in the Wikipedia. Excuse me while I have a private chat with Wikipedia: "No duh!" Okay, I'm back)). Now, this wasn't just because Eclipso was hell bent on tormenting Bruce Gordon. No, we have just learned that it was Eclipso's master plan to make sure that Earth never developed decent solar energy. So fucking Eclipso's a Republican? Why am I shocked? Is it because I'm stupid?

Hmm. I should turn comments off before people begin answering that question.

Now that Eclipso possessed Valor in the absolute perfect conditions for him to be able to possess somebody, he thinks he can now just go around possessing anybody. He practices on The Creeper which sounds a lot like practicing on any non-powered Earthling walking around New York. How is that a test of his power? The Creeper? What are his power levels? They might be high in laughing loudly and jumping around like The Human Pubic Louse but not much else. With that test successful, the obvious next person to possess is Superman. See? That's probably the dumbest conclusion Eclipso could have made. He is a Republican.

This issue begins, as you might have guessed being a Superman book, in Metropolis.

Really seems like they're having a go at Gotham here.

Another reason Eclipso shouldn't be going after Superman is because solar power is Eclipso's only weakness and Superman is full of yellow sun juice. He, and I mean this literally, literally cannot be possessed by Eclipso. It wouldn't make any sense! I will get so angry if Superman winds up Eclipsed.

"It's eeeeeviiiiiiil!"

You know what? I didn't understand the ending of Time Bandits. Does the kid just wander around as a houseless orphan after? Does he wind up back in the time burglary game? Does he go on to life with firefighter Sean Connery? And was that the same Sean Connery from earlier having done his own time travel? Was the villain, the ultimate evil, just a burnt meatloaf left in a microwave for too long? Was there supposed to be a sequel?

Am I in a rage now, you might be wondering? Well, yes and no. Superman's face does do the Eclipso thing when he picks up the Black Diamond. But he fights it off and tosses the diamond aside. Superman believes he's testing himself and that he's too good and honorable to have the capacity for vengeance. But I still think it's because he's full of yellow sun, the anti-Eclipso element.

Partway through the book, there's a scene that made the entire issue worth buying. I don't fucking know what's going on in the scene but I'll tell you, the art really moved me. Well parts of me. Okay, one part of me.

I just "eclipsed" my underwear.

I just had to recheck the cover to see if this book was approved by the Comics Code Authority. It was because the guys running the CCA were fucking horny bastards, I guess.

Phantom "Girl" is somebody totally different dude. Also, why do you want to shoot Phantom Lady so badly? Seems weird.

I don't know why Phantom Lady and Starman feature so heavily in this annual because I really didn't read Superman's books in 1992 and, even if I did, this took place in 1992. I mean, I think I know why Phantom Lady was there but that has more to do with Chris Wozniak being a huge pervert than the plot. I suppose Starman was here to get eclipsed since Eclipso needed to get a success in the first annual after The Darkness Within special or else readers would have been thinking, "This is the God of Vengeance? Pathetic!"

Fat Elvis also makes an appearance and he has heat vision for some reason?

The Ranking
I'm glad Eclipso never possessed Superman but I suppose I could have lived with it if he had. The basic reasoning being that Eclipso's powers are based in magic (which readers were reminded of time and time again in this issue, probably to curtail all the letters from super fans which begin "Actually, . . ."). Since Eclipso is the God of Vengeance that means that Gods in the DC Universe derive their powers from magic. I suppose anything that isn't based in science, facts, and reality is just "magic". Although I would have chosen to separate powers of gods from powers of women in fishnet stockings who speak backwards.

Eclipsed Heroes/Villains Count after 2 Issues: Two! (The Creeper and Starman).

Dave Sim could have breezed through 300 issues with just this crew. And yet he did so much more!

Cerebus #40
By Dave Sim

Page One: Sim just sets up the conceit of this issue: Cerebus on the campaign trail. A map displays the names of all the districts along with their electoral votes. A brief blurb from The History of the 1413 Election by Suentus Po, and the title of the issue, "Campaign", hints at the least funny issue of Cerebus on the horizon.

Page Two: Dave Sim, realizing that an idiot reviewer in 2026 was about to call his comic book boring, launches straight into the comedy. Six panels of Cerebus stumping in front of a crowd at the docks. But Sim, being a comedy genius, doesn't allow the reader to hear Cerebus's boring platform. Instead, we sit in the audience, fairly far from the stage, listening to some loudmouth New Docker running his mouth the entire time. He's pretty funny!

Page Three: Dave Sim introduces the reader to Cerebus's campaign trail entourage as they're doing an Aaron Sorkin walk and prep through the rain. Astoria acts as Cerebus's campaign manager. Bran Mak Mufin runs the data from the electorate. The Moon Roach serves as Astoria's personal bodyguard, mostly to keep him out of trouble, while he believes he's serving as her love interest. And the McGrew Brothers are security.

I love Dirty Fleagle and Dirty Drew so much!

Page Four: A bit of slapstick to remind the reader that this comic book isn't just for smart people who understand political maneuvering. Also by now, the reader should notice the pattern that every page is a short sketch because focusing on the actual specifics of a political campaign would put the reader to sleep. Too bad Dave Sim forgot that he didn't want to put the reader to sleep by the time he got to his penultimate story arc! Hoo boy! I'm yawning just thinking about it!

Page Five: The bodyguards eat.

Page Six: We get a glimpse of Astoria's negotiating tactics with one of the prominent members of The Docks. Her tactics might be illegal but who can say in the medieval world of Estarcion? Maybe it's totally fine to offer government contracts to the districts that vote for Cerebus and punish those who don't vote for him with higher import taxes?

Page Seven: We learn that Bran Mak Mufin has other plans for Cerebus. He still believes in the Earth Pig born as the coming Pigt conqueror of the world. He's advising Cerebus on a military campaign to take over the world. You know, once he becomes Prime Minister and has access to Iest's armies.

Page Eight: Cerebus, sharing a bed with Astoria, dreams of the coming Aardvarkian Empire. We also learn that the campaign trail next heads to Grace District where Good Abbey controls all 15 of the district's electoral votes.

Page Nine: Am I going to do this for every page? I mean, I'm already very nearly (only inches away, actually) to the middle of the issue (Sim's issues being 20 pages) so why not, right? "Don't quit!" might be something my father would have instilled in me if he hadn't quit being my father when I was two. Plus, this page was just a visual gag of The Roach replacing a broken wheel on the carriage by holding the axle and running along side. Does all the text from Suentus Po's history of the incident make the gag funny because it shows how history books get shit wrong because we often can't imagine the reality of the situation at the time and project our own mundane and normal thoughts on the event? I mean, probably. Dave Sim was basically a professional joke writer at this point so who am I to say different?

Page Ten: Speculation on Astoria's political and religious beliefs by Suentus Po the Secret Aardvark! Unless this is one of the other Suentus Pos? I know Sim had to retcon the whole identity of Suentus Po at some point to make him one of the three aardvarks of Estarcion because he'd played fast and loose with this drug-addled philosopher slash magician guy. Sim had to do that a lot with characters introduced willy-nilly (will-he, nil-he?) during the first 25 issues when the comic book was ostensibly just a parody of sword and sorcery comic books (while The Roach himself parodied DC and Marvel). Has Kevillism been broached yet? I'd remember if I hadn't stopped reading this series for a year or two or three or . . . or . . . five? Has it been five years?! Anyway, never mind how I'm shaking in disbelief, I'm pretty sure Po has mentioned it some in the "Mind Games" issues. Whether it has or not, Suentus Po speculates on Astoria's connection to the Cirinists here as the campaign tries to get their votes.

I think the context missing from Po's history is actually Astoria's personal connection to the Abbess of Good Abbey and less Astoria's political and religious affiliations.

Page Eleven: Page Ten wasn't funny at all! It stunk of Dave Sim getting too serious. Page Eleven stinks of Dave Sim getting too misogynistic. But I only say that in hindsight, of course. This first page of Cerebus meeting a leading Cirinist sets the tone for a story four "chapters" or so away. The Abbess or "Great Mother" is a caricature of a woman using her power to humiliate men in a reversal of a medieval patriarchy (okay, fine: a modern one too). Also she's very masculine. Remember, Dave Sim learned that he had no interest in women if he didn't want to fuck them. The Abbess is probably how he sees any woman he doesn't find attractive: grating, overbearing, and needing to humiliate.

But ignoring hindsight for a moment and just taking this moment as it comes in context of what's come before: it's pretty funny! And it's a pretty good skewering of absolute power corrupting. The Cirinists may be a technically matriarchal society that worships the mother and her place in society but they're really just a mirror image of the patriarchy. It's just a reversal of the concerns of the people in power.

Page Twelve: Did we know Lord Julius was running a goat as his candidate for Prime Minister before this page? Or do we read it here first and think, "The Abbess must mean 'goat' as a pejorative for his puppet candidate." Unless you've been paying attention and realize running an actual goat against an aardvark is exactly the kind of thing that Lord Julius would do simply to amuse himself. And since everybody just sort of figures Astoria and Cerebus are fucking, they're all going to jump to the same conclusion with Julius and his goat.

The Abbess informs Cerebus that he will have the district's fifteen votes if he dismisses Astoria (with the full knowledge that Cerebus's military advisor, whom she doesn't seem to mind, is Bran Mak Mufin (spelled "Bran Macmufin" on this page while "Bran Mak Mufin" on the page where Cerebus is dreaming. I suppose the dream spelling's probably wrong but if Sim can't even standardize it, I should probably stop beating myself up over how it's spelled every time I want to type it)). Cerebus later tells Astoria what the Abbess says which is why in Suentus Po's history of the time, he notes Astoria wrote in her journal, "The Abbess is unable to aid us." And since Cerebus has abdicated his own agency some time ago, he fails to move toward a future where he rules Estarcion. Could he have still been elected Prime Minister if he dumped Astoria at this point and simply moved on with just Bran? According to Pigt prophecy, probably? Except Cerebus has no ambition so without Astoria, he'd probably lose interest and just disappear into a tavern for a few months with his campaign funds to back him.

Page Thirteen: Dirty Fleagle screams his head off about somebody eating his last dried apricot.

Page Fourteen: Dave forgot to put a joke on this page.

Pages Fifteen to Seventeen: Hmm. I think what happened is that Dave Sim abandoned the one joke per page thing he was doing and forgot to inform me. I guess Astoria manages to secure some more votes in Harbourside for various reasons. But mostly for one main reason.

What's so awful about a goat Prime Minister? I wish we had a goat for president right now.

You know the best thing about a goat? You can sacrifice it! Yes, you're allowed to follow that chain of logic all the way through. I don't mind.

The issue ends with Cerebus gloating about how he's going to be the most loved Prime Minister ever which is when an urchin in the poverty-stricken Lower Iest pelts him with some mud. Man, I'm so envious of that urchin! What I wouldn't give to throw a shit milkshake at Donald Trump!

Sim's letter pages are getting fuller! But his replies aren't worth discussing. Yet! In time, youngster. In time.

Ranking
Some good jokes and more lore. We've got Bran coming in hot with his Pigt prophecies. Cirinists taking an interest in Cerebus while also discovering that he loves his mother more than his father. And, um, Dirty Fleagle likes dried apricots? Yeah, that'll do.

Final Thoughts

Yeesh. I really need to tone down how much I discuss these comics in the Newsletter. These are practically all normal review entries! The whole purposed of the Newsletter is to read a comic book, write about six lines in The Ranking section that have absolutely nothing to do with the book and then move on! I guess I'm out of practice at not doing reviews in my comic book reviews. I thought it would be way easier reading Eclipso annuals! I blame having to scan those pictures of Phantom Lady to share with everybody. I might not have known what great art was before today but Chris Wozniak cleared that right up for me. Wowzers! What a set of arts on that lady!

That's all for now! Later, jerkos!

Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #61 (Third Thursday of January 2026)

E!TACT #61
Batman: Shadow of the Bat #13, Invasion: Book One, Eclipso: The Darkness Within #1, Cerebus #39, and Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews!!
By Grunion Guy

Comic Book Reviews!


Why's that balding guy wearing Batman's outfit under his suit?

Batman: Shadow of the Bat #13 (June 1992)
By Alan Grant, Norm Breyfogle, and Adrienne Roy

I don't know how people do it. How they begin a new life in middle age or later, I mean. Not that I'm considering that! It's just this story about a drunk who lost everything and wound up living on the street who accidentally learns Batman's secret identity got me thinking about it. The man in the story lost his family and business and turned to alcohol before becoming homeless and while that's one hardship I can hardly imagine, the thought that's actually burning uncontrolled through my brain right now is how somebody young losing their twenties and maybe even their thirties to drugs and alcohol and a transient life ever feels that life can actually be anything more. I'd constantly feel sad and hopeless about the life I had lost and the futureless life ahead of me. Maybe I'm looking at it through the eyes of a bit-too-old-for-change man. I once found myself convinced that I was a lost soul living on the street who had made up my actual life as a delusion to feel better about my actual circumstances. But that's because I was on a fuck-ton of psychedelic mushrooms and waiting in a strip club parking lot for my friends to emerge. I think I'd be bitter and angry constantly. I can't imagine I'd ever find a way to improve my life, partially because I'd think, "Why bother? I've already lost so much time."

I wonder if what I just described is how angry incels feel about all the years they've wasted online, missing out on actual experiences? I mean, they're bitter and angry, right? Do they also feel hopeless? Is that why they become so nihilistic? I wish they could find joy in something. But where do you start when you think the world has turned its back on you?

Now all the Wayne Industries security guards think Bruce Wayne was at a gay club all night.

Pretty sure Bruce Wayne wasn't supposed to be the one yelling "A trick!" in that panel above. Also his arm makes it look like he just chugged some Gingold.

Anyway, that houseless dude saw Batman's face when his mask was torn off in a fight with Johnny Zero (just some guy named Johnny with a shirt with a 0 on it). He recognized him immediately and thought, "Hey! This will help me turn my life around! I'll sell Bruce's information to the underworld!" And he tries but he's just a nobody with a secret and as everybody knows, especially terrible, awful people, the cops aren't going to investigate when a nobody turns up dead. When Mr. Nobody (not the Doom Patrol villain for whom I'm still deciding whether or not to sue Grant Morrison for identity rights) tries to sell Batman's secret to some guy named Doc Creasey, he winds up stabbed in the back for his trouble. Doc Creasey decides that the next night he's going to hold a 1992 Zoom Meeting to auction off Batman's secret identity. But Mr. Nobody doesn't die in the alley he was tossed; he wakes up just long enough to see Batman swinging through the morning sky and thinks, "I may have fucked up my entire life but that guy's got purpose. I should probably tell him what I did so he can get Doctor Fate to erase the mind of Doc Creasey." So he drags himself to Wayne Industries (or Enterprises? I don't know!) and confesses.

"I do it for the massive erection I get from breaking bones and punishing criminals!"

Mister Nobody makes sure to die because DC can't have extraneous people running around knowing Batman's secret identity. Luckily, Doc Creasey also dies later because, you know, of what I just wrote. Batman doesn't have to kill him; he just has to interrupt the auction (which actually becomes a kidnapping when The Joker decides he also doesn't want to pay for the secret) where somebody else does the killing for him. Standing amid the corpses of all the people who almost blew his secret identity, Batman thinks, "Another successful job by The Batman!"

The Ranking
I like how this issue told the story of how Batman lies to himself about the reasons why he fights crime when he could live the rest of his life on a yacht surrounded by hot women in bikinis. "Oh, I do it for the nobodies, man! Totally! Not because of my crippling PTSD, childhood trauma, and severe OCD at all! I'm like, um, Superman! Yeah! I do it for truth and justice! Go me!" Okay, Batman. If you want to believe it, I guess I'll pretend to believe it too.

Invasion! Book One: The Alien Alliance (October 1988)
By Keith Giffen, Bill Mantlo, Todd McFarlane, P. Craig Russell, Al Gordon, and Joe Rubenstein

When I first purchased this comic in 1988, I probably gasped at the "80 pages! No ads!" bit. But now that I'm thinking about writing about it, that just sounds exhausting. Good thing I've decided to resurrect my Newsletter format where I barely discuss the comic book, if at all! This'll be a breeze! Let me just type out "The Dominators invade Earth and kill a lot of people." Is that good enough?

No, it's not! Because to my surprise, this is the first comic book in my collection that has Todd McFarlane as the penciller! Holy shit! I didn't think I owned any comic books by him! Did they hire him to draw the Dominators because he was adept at fitting too many teeth in people's mouths? I don't know if Todd was known for that; I'm projecting my knowledge of Rob Liefeld onto Todd. Sorry, Todd! I know you actually grew as an artist over time!

Like, you probably eventually learned how to draw feet, right? Right?!

This comic book written in 1988 begins more woke than any other modern comic book (and I don't mean woke in, like, punching Nazis or Superman being a compassionate role model or whatever weird fucking shit those right wing idiots think woke means): the Dominators themselves declare that Earth is scary frightening because the Earth people's diversity makes them strong. Also probably their meta-genes. Maybe mostly their meta-genes. But they sure do go on and on about how they and the Khunds and the Durlans are basically the monocultures of alien life (I mean each species is a monoculture unto itself and not that all three are mix and match species). So right away, we see a group who thinks of themselves as the superior race in the universe, a group that are all exactly the same and love it that way, show intense fear and hatred for diversity. And also meta-genes!

Let me be clear: it's not the good guys obsessed with the purification of race in this book.

The titular "Alien Alliance" forms with nine different races. Todd McFarlane may have done the pencils with P. Craig Russell doing the inks on this chapter but take a look at this page and tell me if it screams "Keith Giffen" to you? Yes, he did the plot and breakdowns.

Could this page have been part of the breakdowns that Todd basically just redrew? Or traced?!

On closer examination of all the races, I notice the Psions seem to be different than I remember them. Aren't they usually more lizard-like? Is that another race I'm thinking of?! Maybe I'm just remembering all that shit David Icke revealed about the royals.

The first chapter ends with the alliance of nine races formed. The second chapter tells the story of the prisoners. The Dominators want to destroy Earthlings because they fear their potential, especially if they ever begin working together. But the thing that makes them special, the meta-gene, means the Psions want to take as many of them prisoner as possible. To vivisect them and discover their power. Along with whatever humans they can capture (like Adam Strange), they're also imprisoning any other aliens who try to fight back. This includes Brainiac of L.E.G.I.O.N. and all of the Omega Men who weren't killed while being captured. Adam Strange has been imprisoned with the normies but he wants to break out and find the place where they're keeping those with powers in the hopes to recruit them for a revolution against their keepers. This all takes place as the Dominion and their allies move the fleet within range of Earth's system to begin their assault.

Yeah, okay. This isn't Keith Giffen's work. Sure, sure. Todd did this. *WINK*

The invasion begins in Australia because the only super heroes there are gay and there's only like, what, two of them? I meant "gay" literally there and not in "lame". I am not an immature dweeb from the '80s. I mean, I was. But I'm not now! They easily defeat Australia to set up their base of operations. I think I remember the aftermath of some of this in Justice League International.

Chapter Four is both penciled and inked by Todd McFarland and, well, yeah it is.

Yep. Checks out!

Sixty-seven pages in and there hasn't been an appearance by a single super hero. Unless you count The Omega Men which, of course, you don't. Also Adam Strange but, I mean, you know what I mean.

A few pages are devoted to The Spectre being told by the Lords of Order not to interfere or else the Lords of Chaos might join up with the aliens. I thought The Spectre works for God not the Lords of Order? Not that it matters since the Lords of Order are basically concerned that if any magic wielding being participates in the defense of Earth, the Lords of Chaos may see it as interference and give them a right to interfere too. But if the Lords of Order have the option to interfere, why don't the Lords of Chaos interfere? What do they care about maintaining balance? They're chaos, man?! The Spectre seems to think he has to obey orders from the Lords of Order (oh? Is that why they're called that? They can order people around?!) so he rushes off to make sure none of the magic heroes take part in this battle. Boring!

Page 73 gives us the first appearance of an actual hero (The Spectre is not a hero. He's God's Vengeance or some nutty shit): Tasmanian Devil. See? Gay! The rest of Earth's heroes are told to stand down until they hear the Dominator's demands. When they come, they're told to stand up because Earth isn't giving in to the demands which are to give up the heroes. So politicians decided to fight instead of backing down and allowing fascists to take over? That's the most unbelievable part of this story so far!

The Ranking!
Was this 80 pages of prologue? I think this was 80 pages of prologue! The most exciting part of the story was when The Omega Men were battling the alien alliance and you know how exciting I found that? I'll let you know by telling you this: there's a fucking reason I don't own Lobo's first appearance. Because The Omega Men comic book looked like it sucked assholes! I don't know if it did but I saw it on the shelves month after month and I thought, "That looks stupid." Yeah, I know I'm the stupid one now because my favorite character of all time, Lobo (maybe tied with Ambush Bug), wound up appearing there first and I could have owned that shit off the shelf! Although luckily, for no reason at all, I was collecting DC Comics Presents back then so I do have Ambush Bug's first appearance! Yay for young me actually doing one thing fucking right!

I didn't realize that was an actual plastic diamond on the cover until I re-scanned it because the first scan was out of focus. Because of that fat old diamond.

Eclipso: The Darkness Within #1 (July 1992)
By Keith Giffen, Robert Loren Fleming, Bart Sears, Randy Elliott, and Mark Pennington

Hey! My Eclipso: The Darkness Within comics! Now I can box them with the Eclipso comic run (which was a huge mistake because they just couldn't get the tone right. Man, the concept fell apart so fast!)! It's kind of insane that my boxes of comic books have absolutely no organization to them. I think they're mostly by when I bought them and shoved them in the box. These probably haven't seen the light of day for thirty years!

Let's get this out of the way immediately and also this might not be a long review so I want to make sure I say this: I could not stand Bart Sears' art at this time. Everybody looks like they're roided out and constipated (just look at the cover!). In 1992, I had yet to cultivate my comic book tastes so I just purchased comics featuring whatever comic book character I liked and/or whatever huge Summer Event DC was trying to sell me. Eventually, I began to buy comics based on the writers and, less often, the artists. I'm not sure I ever refrained from buying a comic because I didn't like the artist but I definitely didn't buy comic books because I couldn't stand the writer. But that was a short period of years between "buy anything with characters I'm interested in" and "buy every single book DC publishes". The period between those two moments were the only time that I read a majority of Marvel books. Because all of the writers I loved had gone to Marvel!

The story begins in 1890 when Bruce Gordon (at least I'm assuming it's Bruce Gordon? Does he gain immortality when infected with the black diamond?), apparently travelling on the same boat as Joseph Conrad traveled on that served as inspiration for Heart of Darkness, braves the jungles of Africa to find the legendary Black Diamond (which is called "The Heart of Darkness"). He finds it, kills his partner, has the gem cut up into 1000 tinier gems, and, well, that's the prologue! 100 years later, we learn about Eclipso's secret base on the Dark Side of the Moon which we know means that the sun never shines on it. Because if the sun did somehow shine on the Dark Side of the Moon, which it totally doesn't, not ever, Eclipso would be destroyed. Luckily, at least in the DC Universe, the sun never shines on the Dark Side of the Moon. Somehow.

Oh, that's how. It's just a deep crater with anti-sunlight technology.

Valor is the first person to discover Eclipso's evil lair on the Evil Side of the Moon in Evil Crater. Probably because DC really wanted to make Valor happen. Did it work? I don't fucking remember. I know I bought in, at least for a little while. I own the first issue of his series if not a few more after.

Valor's easily possessed within Eclipso's palace which gives Eclipso an idea: invite all the other heroes to his house for a possession party! Or maybe just use Valor to go out and possess more heroes. Eclipso makes sure to mention how Valor's obviously more powerful than even Superman so the fans would be all, "Oh? I should check out this Valor guy! Is he starring in his own book yet?!" The answer to that question was "No! But wait until September! Hoo boy, it'll be the biggest event since the Death of Superman! I mean it'll be the biggest event until the Death of Superman!"

Bruce Gordon appears next and he's obviously not the guy from 100 years before because even though he has exactly the same roided out and constipated body type, his hair color is different. Bruce studies the black diamond to try and figure out how it's attached to making him turn into Eclipso when he stubs his toe or gets cut off in traffic. But he just can't figure it out. Until it begins to react like a sperm attracted to a hot, sexy egg. It swims to the edge of the petri dish so Bruce concludes that it's trying to get somewhere. Bruce takes it along like a little sperm bloodhound and they head out to find a sexy ovum.

Oh yeah! Baby making time!

Actually it's murder time. But you probably guessed that because the picture that should have been a sexy naked lady was an angry Eclipso-faced and fully dressed woman with a knife. My erection nearly flagged when I saw that. But then it just got harder for some reason? Hmm, I'll just note that down to discuss with my therapist.

Bruce finds a second Black Diamond on the woman possessed by Eclipso after he defeats her by shining a flashlight at her. How was this a huge summer event if Eclipso can be defeated by pointing a three dollar light at him? Oh, wait. I remember. Gordon's little gizmo actually produces "sunlight" or something. That's why there was an earlier scene to show that his flashlight's bulb was burnt out so he had to take his special Anti-Eclipso light gun.

But now that Bruce has found two Black Diamonds, he realizes Eclipso has been planning something way bigger than just fucking with him by turning him into a murderer whenever he's slightly irritated. Little does Bruce know, there are 998 more Black Diamonds out there waiting to make people murder each other! I'm sure glad DC didn't have 998 monthly titles or they definitely would have tried to make everybody buy 998 stupid Annuals in the summer of 1992.

If only The Phantom Stranger hadn't been too busy polishing his thirty pieces of silver, he could have stopped this whole event and saved me so much money!

Eclipso takes over The Creeper next as a test case. Unless Eclipso just wants to gather up the most irritating heroes he can find. Maybe one of each? He's got boring and irritating. So next he's going after most powerful with Superman. But thanks to Bruce Gordon, leading expert in solar sciences, Eclipso's defeated before he can trick Superman into picking up the Black Diamond and getting angry. Although does Superman get angry? I guess it depends on who's writing him at the time.

The Ranking
The reason Eclipso has been tormenting Bruce Gordon all these years and not living up to his full potential is that Eclipso wanted to delay the advancement of solar sciences and solar energy and LaserTag equipment that mimics the sun's rays. The sun's light, being the only thing that can hurt or defeat Eclipso, had to be kept where it couldn't hurt him: 93 million miles away. Which actually makes you wonder: what good would an Eclipsoed Superman be? Superman's full of yellow sun energy so can he even be turned? Or can he only be turned when he has none left and then what? He's as useless as Jimmy Olsen! I don't think Eclipso thought through going after Superman first. I don't remember if Superman ever does get possessed but it probably doesn't happen in the next chapter of this story: Superman: The Man of Steel Annual #1. That's because Superman probably had like four different annuals in the summer of 1992 and it wouldn't be great if he were possessed right from the start. I was going to say I'll never find out because why would I have the Superman: Man of Steel Annual #1 but you know what? Seems like I really went for this event in 1992! Looks like I've got most, if not all, of the annuals! Oh boy¡ I used the upside-down exclamation point to indicate that I'm actually the opposite of excited.

Dave Sim was making fun of Image artists a decade before Image existed! Except Sim can draw a mean fucking foot.

Cerebus #39 (June 1982)
By Dave Sim

When I last read Cerebus, the story was in the middle of Petuniacon, a Comic-con-like convention to highlight the candidates for Prime Minister. The candidates running are Cerebus, Lord Julius, Elrod, and K'cor. Cerebus wants to be Prime Minister because Astoria wants him to be Prime Minister. At some point, his ambitions were hijacked by Astoria and I'm not sure when (if ever) he really regains control of his life. Once he's put on this course, he's too lazy or stubborn to change direction. It's possible he tries during Jaka's Story but once his life as a houseguest falls apart thanks to the Cirinists, he once again loses his free will as he feels compelled to destroy Cirin. He probably has a few more chances to do his own thing and go his own way but he's way too easily manipulated by other people, either directly or simply by their influence. Last issue he almost broke free from Astoria's grip when he attempted to murder Elrod but she stopped him because killing Elrod wouldn't be politically expedient. Although it would have been satisfying.

I think they would have been saying, "I say, I say, son, that white-skinned boy sure is leaking a lot of red stuff. Blood, that is."

Mr. Blakely drops by and patronizingly ushers Astoria out of the room. Not many people can tell Astoria what to do but Blakely makes sure she realizes that he could easily run for Prime Minister himself and then where would she be? Without a dank little aardvark to manipulate? Blakely, of course, thinks that he's manipulating events for the benefit of the Church of Tarim. He needs to find the right candidate to rally behind to either turn everything around (as the city is falling apart and the Church has self-exiled for the time being, seeing abhorrent prophecies everywhere) or become a patsy. Everybody Cerebus meets tends to think Cerebus is a patsy so, um, Blakely's probably headed in that direction. The only problem is that Cerebus is some kind of magickal, talismanic figure which fate and prophecy can't seem to touch.

Before they even begin to discuss whatever business Blakely wants to broach, Lord Julius walks through in a towel to borrow the bath. Cerebus takes it in stride. Blakely near pisses himself. Lord Julius does the thing where he confuses the fuck out of everybody around him, calls for a taxi in the middle of the Ambassador Suite, and then disappears. The taxi driver arrives moments later through the front door while The McGrew Brothers come in through the back. It's pure chaos because, again, Cerebus is some kind of magickal, talismanic figure which not only can fate and prophecy not seem to touch but which also sews chaos in his wake. Oh, and the taxi driver turns out to be The Moon Roach.

Kevitch is basically Khonshu.

We learned previously that Dirty Drew seems to be so super attractive that even Astoria tried to fuck him. That's why the voice in Moon Roach's head notices how hot he is.

After Elrod barges in to brag about replacing Cerebus as the Ranking Diplomatic Representative of Palnu (and Cerebus beats the shit out of him, proving he's a more capable warrior than Elrod) and The Regency Elf admits she wrote the graffiti about Cerebus peeing in the sink, Blakely's seen enough. He winds up agreeing to write a letter of recommendation for Cerebus as Prime Minister even though, after every person barged in, he thought he could use that as an excuse to not recommend Cerebus. But Cerebus reacted correctly each time, barely fazed by any of it.

The Ranking!
We're still early days in Cerebus's 300 issue run when it's still fun and chaotic and carefree. Sim's a master at these early days of his storytelling where most of the characters are mostly one note (and often caricatures of other characters or famous people). This allows him to play up how Cerebus is the only character with any real free will and, I imagine, it's what helped him move the story along. In any situation, Sim knows exactly how Lord Julius will act or Astoria or Elrod or The Roach. They're barely two-dimensional. They're punchlines with straight narratives. But it's how Cerebus reacts to each of them in every scene that builds Sim's story and keeps Sim guessing as to how he's going to continue. Sure, he's definitely plotted a lot of this out. He's a master notetaker who pretty much knows the beats of the story. But that's all built around how Cerebus will surprise him in any give situation as he comes up with every new plot point. Or how Judaism and Islam and Christianity would absolutely surprise Sim when his plans for the end of the series went from a parody reading of The Bible by a selfish, ignorant barbarian aardvark to Sim's own interpretation of Genesis (by way of misogyny and conservative beliefs). "Surprise!" said the religions of the Book, "You're penultimate story won't be funny anymore! It'll be a long, boring trudge of a read as you explain that there were two Gods in The Bible, one good male one and one evil female one! What a genius to be the only person in all of history to understand how the pronoun used for God was actually two different pronouns discussing two different gendered Gods! Not crazy at all!"

It's possible I've forgotten a lot of that penultimate run of Cerebus and I'm miscategorizing some of it. If that's so, I apologize to Dave. We'll see for sure whenever I get that far into the series again! But before then, lots and lots of great plots, genius characters, and loads of laughs! Especially when Oscar Wilde lays dying for ten issues! Ha ha ha! So good!

Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews!

Electric Salsa (Baba baba) by Off (1986)
After some initial "Baba baba"s and a single line, this song begins with a simple Casio beat while a guy clears his throat, blows a load, and then takes a shit. Don't worry if that was your favorite part because he'll do it again later after the Casio horns and some rather tepid verses. I find it hard to criticize the lyrics as they're in English and singer slash DJ was German (Sven Väth). You can't (or at least, I can't!) shit all over a guy because the lyrics he wrote in a non-native language are simple and trite! I mean, I'm pretty sure English was Rebecca Black's native language and I never got on her case about the trite lyrics in "Friday"! I just listen to it and dance and sing along! Also this was released in 1986 which was practically the stone age for electronic dance music. So you probably have to forgive the simple Casio sounds and one note beats, right? Although Seth could have been a little more honest about his dance groove and named it "Electric Ketchup" instead of "Electric Salsa" because there ain't a bit of heat in this tune. At one point, he refers to himself as the Master of Salsa and I would have laughed out loud if I wasn't dancing so hard. Doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie bah bah!
Grade: B-.

Moron's Moron by Scratch Acid (1986)
A bassy intro leads into a song which sounds like it could have been the B-side off a single of "Black Dog Runs at Night" by Angelo Badalementi, David Lynch and the Thought Gang. For a band labeled as "noise rock", I was surprised to find less noise and more music. Sure, there's screaming and an intense bassy build up. But you don't say you play "noise rock" and then make me listen to actual music. What the fuck, man? If this is "noise rock" then isn't all music "noise rock"? Maybe I just don't understand the definition of the genre. Should I look it up? It could just mean "music in which you can't understand any of the lyrics except the word 'fucking'". Oh, check out this line from the definition of "noise rock" on the Wikipedia page: "The term 'noise rock' is a portmanteau of 'noise' and 'rock' music." Wow! I never would have fucking imagined! I'm so glad that's cleared up. Ultimately, I don't give a shit about pretentious portmanteaus masquerading as ever more specific names to describe a piece of music. What did Douglas Coupland call it in Generation X? "Musical Hairsplitting."
     Overall, for a band named Scratch Acid playing a genre specifying that it's at least half composed of "noise", this was pretty fucking good. If I could open a worm hole, I'd take a cassette of Scratch Acid and hurl it back to 1986 to hit dopey fourteen year old me in the face so maybe I'd discover at least some interesting music.
Grade: B+.

Eclipso #7

Eclip clippity clip clippity clip clip clipso. Black Diamond dust will rub off when I eat your soul.

As soon as I saw this cover, I realized DC had made a huge mistake. If Ted McKeever had been doing the art since the first issue, this series would have been a huge hit! I mean a huge hit to me. I think less comic book lovers at the time would have expressed a fondness for Ted McKeever's art. They were all jerking themselves off over the wild young artists at Image Comics, many who maybe never took an art class where they had to draw a nude model but also seemed to realize that what comic book fans had been waiting for were faces drawn with lots and lots of lines added in. For years, I thought all the characters in WildC.A.T.S. were either really, really old or really, really dirty.

I grabbed this image off the Internet as an example of that guy's face but I can't stop staring at Titties McSuper Crotch on his right.

A few comic book fans who are real fans (and I won't be replying to comments that suggest I'm gatekeeping because we all know who the real fans of comic books are, don't we, my virginal nerds in dark basements without any friends or family whose most proud possession is an Alpha Time Vault and whose biggest accomplishment is leveling up their magic user enough to cast Level 9 spells) have instantly become disgusted with my suggestion that Ted McKeever's art is somehow superior to Rob Liefeld or early Jim Lee's work. And I'm sure they'll be writing angry and scathing comments after they get done jerking off to Titties McSuper Crotch.

For those who aren't real comic book fans and only believe they're comic book fans so they can fervently scream at anybody on the Internet who might suggest otherwise simply because they don't actually read comic books but you haven't heard how many times they've watched Blade: Trinity, let me scan an example of a Ted McKeever face (minus his version of Titties McSuper Crotch. If you need his version of that, just take a look at my Extremist reviews):

You don't think I know that my theses that McKeever's art is better than early Image art is now on shaky ground?!

I suppose my only defense would be a passionate plea to the jury to keep in mind artistic style and an artist's unique vision while also considering that art isn't necessarily better just because you want to fuck it. I suppose I have to give the crew at Image kudos for producing raw and imperfect images that managed to provoke some kind of reaction in the brain that was akin to blood coursing to one's genitals. Even when I criticize Liefeld or Lee or McFarland, I realize that their art contained a kind of wild exuberance that a lot of younger fans at the time had never seen. A lot of comic art had fallen into a stale and mediocre sameness that made one think comic book arts had become bored and jaded. The guys who would eventually found Image Comics seemed excited to be doing their dream job and that excitement jumped from the page and enthused a whole generation of comic book readers. The reason I didn't give a shit about it was that my aesthetic preferences lay in a different direction. I wasn't upset that more traditional art was being supplanted since I found a lot of it stodgy and devoid of life. I just wasn't into more grit, more muscles, and more "realism" (in quotes because I'm not going all-in with my intellectual bankroll on suggesting that the Image guys could draw realistically); I was into a bit more cartoony style, maybe a little closer to animation, with thicker lines and more expressive faces (more expressive in other ways than just gritting teeth), with Chris Bachalo and Kevin Maguire two of my favorites.

And even though this will completely destroy my defense of Ted McKeever's art but I can't help but be as transparent as possible (unless it comes to saying when I lost my virginity because nobody wants to hear stories about somebody losing it that young!), I wasn't always thrilled with McKeever's art back in the 90s. I think it's like drinking coffee black. When you're young, you just don't appreciate bitterness like you do when you're older and worn out and life's zest lies crumpled on the floor covered in drying jizz. You just can't appreciate some things until life has taken you by the back of the head and screamed, "Oh? You love wonder? You love the excitement of experiencing new things and discovering more of the human mystery of existence? Well have as much as you like!" and then it smashes your face into the puddle of wonder you've made on the floor and rubs until you're choking on it. You're never quite the same after that. It's as if cute and amazing and wonderful don't quite flip the switch in your brain anymore so you need bitterness and pain and the kind of sex where you're not entirely sure you're going to live to see orgasm.

The sad part about the loss of innocence and the death of wonder is how fast it happens in the Internet age. I guarantee there are teenagers who probably have an outlook as bleak as the one it took me forty-five years to develop. Here's to you, my young brothers and sisters drowning in existence!

There wasn't a full moon on February 12th, 1891.

I looked up the full moon fact. I just didn't happen to know it as I was reading this comic book. I didn't spit out my bitter coffee and exclaim "Insolence!" after I read it. The phase of the moon was closer to what is seen on the cover than what is seen on this page. Also, why is the full moon so prominent in all of these issues of Eclipso? I would think the new moon would be more important since that's when an actual eclipse can occur. Or is Eclipso more powerful during a lunar eclipse because that's when things get super dark? Although isn't a lunar eclipse less dark than a night just before the new moon because the moon is hanging out with the sun and there's nothing but stars in the sky for light?

Maybe I just don't understand Eclipso and his stupid moon powers. Maybe the writers don't either since they're the assholes who decided Eclipso's palace, where he'd be safe from the sun, should be located on the dark side of the moon which is anything but safe from sunlight. I hate Eclipso. I'm glad this is the last issue of the series I purchased!

Oh yeah! This is how Eclipso works. The moon is just set dressing!

This is why I was happy to see McKeever doing an issue of Eclipso. His art works quite nicely for a horror comic. Also, that earlier scan of his goofy looking people? I shouldn't have been too harsh on it because that's exactly what British people look like.

This is Eclipso's first time back in the world of men since the gigantic Black Diamond he was encased in was taken back to London and cut into thousands of smaller diamonds. He is only now discovering the extent and limits of his returned powers.

Eclipso goes on a rampage as the judge, discovering that he must first fulfill the vengeful wishes of the person he's possessed before he can move on to his own plots. He also discovers that the sun evicts him from the body and he is returned to the dark side of the moon. He also learns that if he hides from the sun, he can remain in possession of the body. He learns this because he's also possessed Irene Adler. She's a fictional character form the Sherlock Holmes stories but since she's also a character in this Eclipso comic book, she's still fictional. I think it's okay to pretend she's real in a fictional story. I'm certainly not complaining or else I wouldn't constantly rave about Moore's League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.

Eclipso #7 Rating: B. Ted McKeever's art does most of the work since this issue is basically just a primer for readers unfamiliar with Eclipso's powers and limitations. The moon doesn't come into play at all so I don't know why every issue insists on a full one. Maybe it's because the same writers that think the dark side of the moon is actually dark also think that the only way an eclipse can happen is during a full moon. Because how can a crescent moon block out the entire sun, right?! Ridiculous!