Eclipso: The Darkness Within: Action Comics Annual #4 (July 1992)

I'm sure Superman's mouth is full of milk and not Billy Batson's spunk.

Eclipso: The Darkness Within: Action Comics Annual #4 (July 1992)
By Dan Vado, Chris Wozniak, Karl Altstaetter, Karl Kesel, Trevor Scott, Steve Mitchell, Albert De Guzman, and Matt Hollingsworth
Cover by Joe Quesada and Jimmy Palmiotti
Edited by Dan Thorsland and Mike Carlin

The Cover
Being an art critic is so far beyond my capabilities that I'm completely stymied by the color palette. I guess there's an abundance of purple to indicate the Eclipso possession. But why the lime green background? Maybe they're fighting in a jelly mold? I do appreciate how Superman's muscles were drawn thick with sexy veins while Billy Batson retains his "I'm from a totally different comic book company universe and actually a child in a thick, veiny man's body" flat, clear, animation-style facial features. At least the sticky white residue in Superman's mouth has kept me from pondering how he's been Eclipsed being that he's full of sunlight and Eclipso's one weakness is sunlight and also he's full of somebody's semen. Not Billy's because that would be too wrong to even consider. I guess Superman's possession was pre-explained earlier when Eclipso pointed out how his power is magical in nature and we all know how susceptible Superman is to magic for some reason. Maybe they didn't have magic on Krypton? Man. Imagine a world without close-up magicians approaching your table during dinner? What a dream!

The Story So Far
A bunch of loser super heroes have been Eclipsed because they're losers. Yes, I know Wally West was Eclipsed. The king of losers. I didn't even like Barry Allen but Wally? What a piece of shit. All of you assholes who just love Wally West to death are fucking wrong. I mean, sure, I never read Flash so it's possible I'm wrong. Not likely but possible! I only know Wally West from Justice League Europe and that guy was a fucking idiotic sex pest who shouldn't have been allowed around women. The fact Power Girl never ripped his balls off is testament to how much power the Comics Code Authority had.

Also some people have started to go missing without being Eclipsed and we have to assume that Bruce Gordon has gone Ozymandias style. Bruce Gordon is missing and so is Blue Beetle. My guess is he's grabbing up all the heroes capable of making a gigantic fake sun to shine into the crater on the moon since the real sun isn't cutting the mustard. Stupid sun. Can't even shine into a fucking crater on the side of the moon that bare asses itself to it at least once a month. I don't know how space works so I'm assuming that's how often that happens.

The Story
Since Bruce, Mona, and Blue Beetle are all missing or Eclipsed, Superman and Fire's butt have gone to recruit Mona's dad for some reason. I guess he's also a solar scientist? Is that how Bruce and Mona met? Do I even care?

Even Mona's dad doesn't give a shit and it's his world that's in danger.

Every time I type "Mona's dad", I can't help thinking "Anna Madrigal". Stupid brain! You're a man and a girl!

Superman decides to leave this man alone which is great because who the fuck is he? Why is he suddenly a character in this story?! I barely know why Mona and Bruce Gordon are in this story let alone Anna Madrigal! I mean Mona's dad! Does he piss sunshine? Does he fart solar radiation? One fact about him: he's clinically depressed. At first I thought Booster was just exaggerating but Chris Wozniak made sure to draw a bottle of pills in the background of one panel. Plus that shot of him lying in bed with his knee up and his arm thrown over his face? Classic depression pose!

Booster talks like a eugenicist and Booster is from DC's future so, um, guess what, everybody? The racists apparently won!

I don't know if Booster means "them" as in academics or as in people with no powers or what but since Booster Gold is a working class guy whose whole schtick is based on stealing his gear, I suspect it's both? He's what rich racist elite Republicans would call a "real American". Which totally explains why he's also a sexist creep (as seen in the Eclipso: The Darkness Within: Justice League America Annual and pretty much every other Justice League America issue).

Superman's plan to save Mona and the people of Crater Bay (who were all Eclipsed in whatever series the last Superman annual was in. Man of Steel? Superman? Adventures of Superman?) is to give himself to Eclipso in exchange for freeing the regular people who always let Booster Gold down. Then it's up to the Justice League to stop Superman from doing whatever Eclipso wants to do with him. It seems like a bad plan in a number of ways but the worst way is that Superman must not remember the current roster of Justice League America. Who the fuck's going to stop him? Ice? Fire? Bloodwynd? Blue Beetle? Booster Gold? Doesn't he remember these are the people who couldn't even stop Doomsday from killing him? Oh wait. I guess he hasn't learned that lesson yet.

Obviously the plan would be to call Batman and borrow his Kryptonite. But since that plan is too obviously obvious, I guess they'll drag Billy Batson out of class and remind him that he's an alternate member of the League.

Did Wozniak model this shot of Superman off the Thanksgiving Day Parade float of Supes?

I'm never going to get through a full annual if I keep scrutinizing every panel but I'm glad I am because I just noticed this tiny figure of Booster Gold in the background. You know how Booster Gold usually has no indication of genitalia? Well, well, my friends. Discover the truth!

Booster Gold has a massive schlong.

Booster Gold, Fire, and Ice decide they'd better find a way to defeat Superman before he gets himself Eclipsed for the good of a few dozen yokels (and Mona). Clark's an idiot! He might be able to negotiate a deal to save a few people for a little while. But at what cost? No, his best bet is to stay unEclipsed and help Crater Bay by defeating Eclipso. Why's he acting so dumb?!

Look, that was a rhetorical question. I know why he's acting so dumb: Dan Vado is writing this.

We, the readers, being smarter than Booster Gold, Fire, and Ice combined, know that they should contact Batman and get his help. Instead, they decide to ask Hairy Lex Luthor for some advice. He and his team have developed a Solar Trap based on Bruce Gordon's solar work. But he's not sure it will work because, um, Dan Vado is writing this, I guess? Is this the the short period of time when Lex Luthor was trying to act humble because he was supposed to be his own Australian son and he didn't want anybody realizing it by whipping out his brain-dick every time he was asked to help solve a problem? Now he's all, "Man, having hair really mellows a guy out! I'm barely angry anymore! Chicks want to fuck me and I can finally masturbate again without fear that my bionic hand will rip my manhood off!" I suppose Angry Lex could have built a solar trap that definitely works but Angry Lex was also always stressed out and screaming at people. Chill Lex can barely fucking care because he's thinking about all the puss that's going to be on his face later.

Ice contacted my dick. Did that joke work? Did it make sense? Fuck it, I'm with Chill Lex now. Who cares if shit works when you've got puss on your face!

And what I mean by puss on my face is, um, cookie crumbs. They're fucking everywhere! I probably shouldn't have learned to eat cookies from Cookie Monster.

Night falls on Crater Bay and Superman heads over to throw his (and everybody on Earth's) life away. Superman doesn't even make sure Eclipso lets the hostages go before he picks up the Black Diamond and tries to get angry. What the fuck? The whole point is to save people? Why would Eclipso let them go if Superman becomes Eclipsed first? Like I said, Clark's an idiot.

It's possible Superman's learned enough about the Black Diamond to get mad at Eclipso so that when he turns, he'll have to beat the shit out of Eclipso before Eclipso can manipulate him. But probably not because I've still got a whole pile of The Darkness Within annuals to get through. And the last Superman one has Superman Eclipsed on the cover fighting Guy Gardner and Lobo at the same time. I know! I came directly into my pants when I saw that!

Superman becomes Eclipsed but we never find out what made him so angry because Eclipso just starts manipulating him immediately. Did Dan Vado not read his editorial notes for the story? It's probably because . . . no, no. You know what? Dan Vado founded the Alternative Press Expo so I'm going to give him a free pass on this. It was probably editorial's fault anyway. I'm sure Vado was all, "Yeah but in all the other stories, the character had to enact vengeance on the thing that made them mad before Eclipso could properly control them?" And Editorial was all, "Shut up, Dan Vado. Did you read the Flash Annual? He didn't enact vengeance on anybody, did he?" And Dan Vado was all, "I don't know because I didn't read it. It hasn't been published yet. Nobody sent me the script." And Editorial was all, "You think you're so smart, don't you, Dan Vado? Well just make Superman angry and Eclipsed and we'll worry about any inconsistencies!"

Also, I'm only on page 17 so any "inconsistencies" will probably be explained away and I'll feel stupid for making this stink. Anyway, did I mention that even though Chris Wozniak has been drawing a fucking awful Superman, he does a cute Ice?

You know I think she's cute because I bypassed a dozen panels of Fire's ass to scan this panel.

It's possible Ice is cute here because the inker has changed between the terrible Superman panels and this panel. It's hard to tell because what the fuck do I know about how an inker's style changes a penciller's style?! I told you right at the beginning that I'm not an art critic! Besides, there are like eighteen inkers credited for this thing!

Meanwhile, during a scene that I'm positive was going to end in Lex Luthor and Professor Emil Hamilton fucking, Bruce Gordon's Ozymandias Plan claims two more victims. You know, the two who were definitely about to fuck: Emil and Lex.

Back in Crater Bay, Captain Marvel arrives to scold Superman and also hit him a lot. "Hey man! Golly Gee Whiz, dude! Why you being so gosh-darned mean?" They beat each other senseless for many, many pages. Neither one seems to have the upper hand even if Captain Marvel's power stems from magic and, well, that's Superman's main weakness! I guess the magic that makes Billy strong and invincible doesn't mean the strength itself is magical. At one point during the fight, I'm convinced that Captain Marvel is just Martian Manhunter disguised as Captain Marvel because, um, why would fire hurt Captain Marvel?

Is he just pretending the flames hurt so the reader feels a little bit of drama and tension during this pretty spectacularly boring battle?

The only reason I knew this couldn't be Martian Manhunter is because Martian Manhunter is pretending to be Bloodwynd right now. He's too busy to pretend to be other people.

By page 35, I begin wishing instead of discussing the story, I just went through and scanned pictures of Ice and Fire's asses. Because, oh boy, are there a lot of panels highlighting them!

I've got a pretty good idea for a coffee table book!

Yeah. I stopped caring about the story and just began scanning butts. Fucking sue me.

The Ranking!
Luthor and Hamilton's solar trap works but overheats almost immediately. So everybody in Crater Bay is saved but Superman manages to get away. And Mona is nowhere to be found. On the plus side, did you see all of those butts? I'm sure there's a moon joke to be made here but I'm way too horny to think of it. I think I just figured out what's in Superman's mouth on the cover. It's my own dried semen from 34 years ago!

Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #62 (Fourth Thursday of January 2026)

E!TACT! #62
Invasion! Book Two: Battleground Earth, Eclipso: The Darkness Within: Superman The Man of Steel Annual #1, and Cerebus #40
By Grunion Guy!


Comic Book Reviews!

Oh fuck this issue had a Globalist agenda!

Invasion! Book Two: Battleground Earth (November 1988)
By Keith Giffen, Bill Mantlo, Todd McFarlane, P. Craig Russell, Al Gordon, Joe Rubenstein, Tom Christopher, Carl Gafford, Agustin Mas, and John Costanza
Edited by Kevin Dooley and Andrew Helfer, of course.

Now hold on! Wait a second! Let me explain! I didn't mean "Globalist" as an antisemitic dog whistle! I meant it as a cat whistle for people who understand that we're all just human beings and we shouldn't be denigrating other people simply because of man made imaginary lines crisscrossing the globe! You know, borders! I'm talking about borders! Globalism should be considered the opposite of Imperialism. We don't want to force our beliefs and way of lives on other people; we want to integrate all of our ways of life so that anything can be experienced, everything available to all. Fuck Gatekeepers and Imperialists and Xenophobes and ICE and Donald Trump and every fucking Republican who somehow thinks there's still a difference between MAGA and conservatism. Oh! Also fuck neo-liberal Democrats who have basically decided they're the new Reagan Conservatives. You know, the ones who think they can steal votes from centrist Republicans without fucking realizing that even so-called moderate Republicans have been so brainrotted by propaganda that they will never consider voting for an awful, terrible Democrat even if those Democrats' values and beliefs basically mirror '80s Republicans. Embrace progressives and the left, you dumbies! There's nothing to gain in the center! FOX News and MAGA propaganda have tainted anything labeled "Democrat" and they'll never fucking vote for you, no matter how many one-off Liz Cheneys you court to your side.

I wonder how many people in 1988 exploded into apoplectic rage when they saw Wonder Woman and Captain Atom raising the flag of the United Nations? Obviously that communist Martian Manhunter would be doing it! And that half-liberal academic Firestorm! What makes me laugh (angry laugh!) is that no matter how rational the reason given by some anti-Globalist jerk, all it ever amounts to is "I hate foreigners but I know I shouldn't say that." I mean, okay, since 2016, they've begun to learn that they can say it. But pretty soon, they're all going to re-learn consequences. I don't have any power to deliver those consequences myself which is why I no longer speak with my father or many friends I grew up with. Because withholding the joy of being my friend is the only power I have over anybody. Mostly because I never wanted power over anyone! Desiring power is a fool's game only played by self-loathing jerks who need constant affirmation from others, even if that affirmation must be coerced. I'm just a smol guy!

The DC Universe's post-Crisis map of Earth was all kinds of fucked up.

Between Invasion! Book One and Invasion! Book Two were a number of crossover issues in DC's monthly titles. In 1988, I couldn't afford to purchase every book with an "INVASION! CROSSOVER!" label across the top. Luckily, the important bits are recapped at the beginning of this issue because DC probably still thought mostly kids were reading their comics in 1988 and not middle-aged losers still living with their parents. Sorry! I meant smart middle-aged people saving a buck who loved their parents dearly and would never trade them for their independence and their virginity.

Apparently during the crossover issues this guy died when Aquaman failed to save him:

"Who's that?" you're probably thinking. That's Celsius. "Who's that?" you're probably thinking.

Also during the crossovers, Superman negotiated a 24 hour ceasefire to give the Earthlings time to round up all the superheroes and offer them up on a silver platter. The Dominators were dumb enough to fall for that ploy because Superman's so honest, I guess? They must have heard he stands for truth so they were all, "Well, we have to believe him then!" But they forgot he also stands for The American Way which is all about lying your ass off to get one over on the next guy and make a shit-ton of money. As for the "shit-ton of money", Max Lord will probably give Superman a huge bonus if this works.

Even with only half of that cake showing, it's fucking mouthwatering.

I should explain for my more prudish readers that by "cake" I meant "Captain Atom's ass."

Captain Atom, being the super general assigned to this war, maps out his strategy: attack the aliens! Batman agrees that's a good strategy but he's afraid too many superheroes suck ass and won't be able to do it. So Amanda Waller steps up and is all, "Well you'll just have to team up with the super villains!" Nobody mentions that most of the super villains suck as well. My suggestion would be to break open the bottled city of Kandor and send six hundred Supermen and Superwomen off to battle the aliens.

Couldn't somebody — anybody! — have shown Todd McFarlane a map of the Earth?

So Chapter Two sees the heroes of Earth break the ceasefire. This isn't dishonorable because their home is under attack and also they're the heroes and also most of them are Americans and that's three categories of people who feel righteous when they use violence so take that, Dominators! In your fucking face which is mostly teeth anyway! The most important part of the battle is when Superman learns the Daxamites are as strong as he is. But also the next most important part is when he realizes they're all losing their powers because of something in the air and he has to save their lives. That was almost six more deaths on Thomas Midgley, Jr's conscious. As if his conscious would even notice a mere six more deaths! The third most important part of Chapter Two is when the Daxamites are all, "Hey, you're pretty noble, Superman! Maybe we're on the wrong side!" That'll probably come back to bite the Dominators in their almost certainly way too toothy asshole.

Chapter Three takes place across the universe where the nerd Dominator has isolated the Meta-Gene. He believes it will make the other Dominators respect him but they won't because he still just has a tiny little red circle on his forehead instead of a massive one. Also there's a fatal flaw in his calculations that won't be exposed for another thirty years or so: the letter "L". Because it's the Metal-Gene and not the Meta-Gene, idiot!

Like every other gene in a person's body, it's found in just a single location. I wonder where the Penis gene is? I bet it's somewhere stupid like between the 3rd and 4th toe on the left foot.

This nerd dominator has invented the Meta-Gene-Bomb that can negate the Meta-Gene rendering all of Earth's super-heroes harmless! Except Superman because he's an alien. And also Batman because he doesn't have a meta-gene. And maybe Blue Beetle but, like, who cares, right?

The Daxamites call home and invite more Daxamites to play. When they arrive, they basically rout what's left of the alien alliance. The Dominators decide to blow up Earth rather than surrender but never get the chance because Boston Brand's been possessing characters right and left throughout this issue, even people just off at the bottom of a panel doing nothing. You could always tell because they had a glowing aura around them. I guess The Spectre allowed him to fight with the heroes because nobody would really notice.

Boston even gets to blow his own brains out at one point.

You would think that was the end of the invasion but there's still one 80 page book left. I guess that nerd Dominator with the Meta-Gene-Bomb is really going to fuck things up all on his own. Too bad all the Dominators with massive red dots are too dead to notice him.

The Ranking
Book Two ends on a high note without any suggestion that more tomfoolery by the Dominators is afoot (other than the back cover). If you were a kid in 1988 who couldn't afford Book Three, it wouldn't matter! The first two books tell a solid tale of a near catastrophic invasion that forced the people of the world to come together to battle their massive squid overlords. I mean the yellow toothy overlords. That squid thing was a big fake that probably didn't allow for world peace to last long because of stupid Rorschach and his stupid diary of stupid and violent observations. What a jerk that guy was! Anyway, that was kind of fun and I didn't mention Wally West's dad sacrificing his life to stop the Durlans because his sacrifice apparently doesn't take and he pops up again later to be a pain in Wally's ass. I think the only other heroes that died were about twenty-eight different Omega Men.

I can't decide which I think is too wide: Superman's thigh, his S-logo, or his face.

Superman: The Man of Steel Annual #1 (1992)
By Chris Wozniak, Robert Loren Fleming, Brad Vancata, Albert de Guzman, and Matt Hollingsworth
Cover by Joe Quesada and Jimmy Palmiotti
Edited by Mike Carlin and Dan Thorsland

In the opening issue of The Darkness Within DC money grab, Eclipso managed to possess Valor when Valor entered into Eclipso's palace on the moon which, we learn, basically means Valor penetrated Eclipso. Valor is inside Eclipso. Valor took his whole body and he slid inside Eclipso's gaping orifice. Before now, Eclipso didn't realize he was powerful enough to possess superheroes. He just thought his abilities allowed him to possess one schlub of a solar scientist named Bruce Gordon (hmm, I wonder how Bob Haney came up with that name? (Oh, look. It explains in the Wikipedia. Excuse me while I have a private chat with Wikipedia: "No duh!" Okay, I'm back)). Now, this wasn't just because Eclipso was hell bent on tormenting Bruce Gordon. No, we have just learned that it was Eclipso's master plan to make sure that Earth never developed decent solar energy. So fucking Eclipso's a Republican? Why am I shocked? Is it because I'm stupid?

Hmm. I should turn comments off before people begin answering that question.

Now that Eclipso possessed Valor in the absolute perfect conditions for him to be able to possess somebody, he thinks he can now just go around possessing anybody. He practices on The Creeper which sounds a lot like practicing on any non-powered Earthling walking around New York. How is that a test of his power? The Creeper? What are his power levels? They might be high in laughing loudly and jumping around like The Human Pubic Louse but not much else. With that test successful, the obvious next person to possess is Superman. See? That's probably the dumbest conclusion Eclipso could have made. He is a Republican.

This issue begins, as you might have guessed being a Superman book, in Metropolis.

Really seems like they're having a go at Gotham here.

Another reason Eclipso shouldn't be going after Superman is because solar power is Eclipso's only weakness and Superman is full of yellow sun juice. He, and I mean this literally, literally cannot be possessed by Eclipso. It wouldn't make any sense! I will get so angry if Superman winds up Eclipsed.

"It's eeeeeviiiiiiil!"

You know what? I didn't understand the ending of Time Bandits. Does the kid just wander around as a houseless orphan after? Does he wind up back in the time burglary game? Does he go on to life with firefighter Sean Connery? And was that the same Sean Connery from earlier having done his own time travel? Was the villain, the ultimate evil, just a burnt meatloaf left in a microwave for too long? Was there supposed to be a sequel?

Am I in a rage now, you might be wondering? Well, yes and no. Superman's face does do the Eclipso thing when he picks up the Black Diamond. But he fights it off and tosses the diamond aside. Superman believes he's testing himself and that he's too good and honorable to have the capacity for vengeance. But I still think it's because he's full of yellow sun, the anti-Eclipso element.

Partway through the book, there's a scene that made the entire issue worth buying. I don't fucking know what's going on in the scene but I'll tell you, the art really moved me. Well parts of me. Okay, one part of me.

I just "eclipsed" my underwear.

I just had to recheck the cover to see if this book was approved by the Comics Code Authority. It was because the guys running the CCA were fucking horny bastards, I guess.

Phantom "Girl" is somebody totally different dude. Also, why do you want to shoot Phantom Lady so badly? Seems weird.

I don't know why Phantom Lady and Starman feature so heavily in this annual because I really didn't read Superman's books in 1992 and, even if I did, this took place in 1992. I mean, I think I know why Phantom Lady was there but that has more to do with Chris Wozniak being a huge pervert than the plot. I suppose Starman was here to get eclipsed since Eclipso needed to get a success in the first annual after The Darkness Within special or else readers would have been thinking, "This is the God of Vengeance? Pathetic!"

Fat Elvis also makes an appearance and he has heat vision for some reason?

The Ranking
I'm glad Eclipso never possessed Superman but I suppose I could have lived with it if he had. The basic reasoning being that Eclipso's powers are based in magic (which readers were reminded of time and time again in this issue, probably to curtail all the letters from super fans which begin "Actually, . . ."). Since Eclipso is the God of Vengeance that means that Gods in the DC Universe derive their powers from magic. I suppose anything that isn't based in science, facts, and reality is just "magic". Although I would have chosen to separate powers of gods from powers of women in fishnet stockings who speak backwards.

Eclipsed Heroes/Villains Count after 2 Issues: Two! (The Creeper and Starman).

Dave Sim could have breezed through 300 issues with just this crew. And yet he did so much more!

Cerebus #40
By Dave Sim

Page One: Sim just sets up the conceit of this issue: Cerebus on the campaign trail. A map displays the names of all the districts along with their electoral votes. A brief blurb from The History of the 1413 Election by Suentus Po, and the title of the issue, "Campaign", hints at the least funny issue of Cerebus on the horizon.

Page Two: Dave Sim, realizing that an idiot reviewer in 2026 was about to call his comic book boring, launches straight into the comedy. Six panels of Cerebus stumping in front of a crowd at the docks. But Sim, being a comedy genius, doesn't allow the reader to hear Cerebus's boring platform. Instead, we sit in the audience, fairly far from the stage, listening to some loudmouth New Docker running his mouth the entire time. He's pretty funny!

Page Three: Dave Sim introduces the reader to Cerebus's campaign trail entourage as they're doing an Aaron Sorkin walk and prep through the rain. Astoria acts as Cerebus's campaign manager. Bran Mak Mufin runs the data from the electorate. The Moon Roach serves as Astoria's personal bodyguard, mostly to keep him out of trouble, while he believes he's serving as her love interest. And the McGrew Brothers are security.

I love Dirty Fleagle and Dirty Drew so much!

Page Four: A bit of slapstick to remind the reader that this comic book isn't just for smart people who understand political maneuvering. Also by now, the reader should notice the pattern that every page is a short sketch because focusing on the actual specifics of a political campaign would put the reader to sleep. Too bad Dave Sim forgot that he didn't want to put the reader to sleep by the time he got to his penultimate story arc! Hoo boy! I'm yawning just thinking about it!

Page Five: The bodyguards eat.

Page Six: We get a glimpse of Astoria's negotiating tactics with one of the prominent members of The Docks. Her tactics might be illegal but who can say in the medieval world of Estarcion? Maybe it's totally fine to offer government contracts to the districts that vote for Cerebus and punish those who don't vote for him with higher import taxes?

Page Seven: We learn that Bran Mak Mufin has other plans for Cerebus. He still believes in the Earth Pig born as the coming Pigt conqueror of the world. He's advising Cerebus on a military campaign to take over the world. You know, once he becomes Prime Minister and has access to Iest's armies.

Page Eight: Cerebus, sharing a bed with Astoria, dreams of the coming Aardvarkian Empire. We also learn that the campaign trail next heads to Grace District where Good Abbey controls all 15 of the district's electoral votes.

Page Nine: Am I going to do this for every page? I mean, I'm already very nearly (only inches away, actually) to the middle of the issue (Sim's issues being 20 pages) so why not, right? "Don't quit!" might be something my father would have instilled in me if he hadn't quit being my father when I was two. Plus, this page was just a visual gag of The Roach replacing a broken wheel on the carriage by holding the axle and running along side. Does all the text from Suentus Po's history of the incident make the gag funny because it shows how history books get shit wrong because we often can't imagine the reality of the situation at the time and project our own mundane and normal thoughts on the event? I mean, probably. Dave Sim was basically a professional joke writer at this point so who am I to say different?

Page Ten: Speculation on Astoria's political and religious beliefs by Suentus Po the Secret Aardvark! Unless this is one of the other Suentus Pos? I know Sim had to retcon the whole identity of Suentus Po at some point to make him one of the three aardvarks of Estarcion because he'd played fast and loose with this drug-addled philosopher slash magician guy. Sim had to do that a lot with characters introduced willy-nilly (will-he, nil-he?) during the first 25 issues when the comic book was ostensibly just a parody of sword and sorcery comic books (while The Roach himself parodied DC and Marvel). Has Kevillism been broached yet? I'd remember if I hadn't stopped reading this series for a year or two or three or . . . or . . . five? Has it been five years?! Anyway, never mind how I'm shaking in disbelief, I'm pretty sure Po has mentioned it some in the "Mind Games" issues. Whether it has or not, Suentus Po speculates on Astoria's connection to the Cirinists here as the campaign tries to get their votes.

I think the context missing from Po's history is actually Astoria's personal connection to the Abbess of Good Abbey and less Astoria's political and religious affiliations.

Page Eleven: Page Ten wasn't funny at all! It stunk of Dave Sim getting too serious. Page Eleven stinks of Dave Sim getting too misogynistic. But I only say that in hindsight, of course. This first page of Cerebus meeting a leading Cirinist sets the tone for a story four "chapters" or so away. The Abbess or "Great Mother" is a caricature of a woman using her power to humiliate men in a reversal of a medieval patriarchy (okay, fine: a modern one too). Also she's very masculine. Remember, Dave Sim learned that he had no interest in women if he didn't want to fuck them. The Abbess is probably how he sees any woman he doesn't find attractive: grating, overbearing, and needing to humiliate.

But ignoring hindsight for a moment and just taking this moment as it comes in context of what's come before: it's pretty funny! And it's a pretty good skewering of absolute power corrupting. The Cirinists may be a technically matriarchal society that worships the mother and her place in society but they're really just a mirror image of the patriarchy. It's just a reversal of the concerns of the people in power.

Page Twelve: Did we know Lord Julius was running a goat as his candidate for Prime Minister before this page? Or do we read it here first and think, "The Abbess must mean 'goat' as a pejorative for his puppet candidate." Unless you've been paying attention and realize running an actual goat against an aardvark is exactly the kind of thing that Lord Julius would do simply to amuse himself. And since everybody just sort of figures Astoria and Cerebus are fucking, they're all going to jump to the same conclusion with Julius and his goat.

The Abbess informs Cerebus that he will have the district's fifteen votes if he dismisses Astoria (with the full knowledge that Cerebus's military advisor, whom she doesn't seem to mind, is Bran Mak Mufin (spelled "Bran Macmufin" on this page while "Bran Mak Mufin" on the page where Cerebus is dreaming. I suppose the dream spelling's probably wrong but if Sim can't even standardize it, I should probably stop beating myself up over how it's spelled every time I want to type it)). Cerebus later tells Astoria what the Abbess says which is why in Suentus Po's history of the time, he notes Astoria wrote in her journal, "The Abbess is unable to aid us." And since Cerebus has abdicated his own agency some time ago, he fails to move toward a future where he rules Estarcion. Could he have still been elected Prime Minister if he dumped Astoria at this point and simply moved on with just Bran? According to Pigt prophecy, probably? Except Cerebus has no ambition so without Astoria, he'd probably lose interest and just disappear into a tavern for a few months with his campaign funds to back him.

Page Thirteen: Dirty Fleagle screams his head off about somebody eating his last dried apricot.

Page Fourteen: Dave forgot to put a joke on this page.

Pages Fifteen to Seventeen: Hmm. I think what happened is that Dave Sim abandoned the one joke per page thing he was doing and forgot to inform me. I guess Astoria manages to secure some more votes in Harbourside for various reasons. But mostly for one main reason.

What's so awful about a goat Prime Minister? I wish we had a goat for president right now.

You know the best thing about a goat? You can sacrifice it! Yes, you're allowed to follow that chain of logic all the way through. I don't mind.

The issue ends with Cerebus gloating about how he's going to be the most loved Prime Minister ever which is when an urchin in the poverty-stricken Lower Iest pelts him with some mud. Man, I'm so envious of that urchin! What I wouldn't give to throw a shit milkshake at Donald Trump!

Sim's letter pages are getting fuller! But his replies aren't worth discussing. Yet! In time, youngster. In time.

Ranking
Some good jokes and more lore. We've got Bran coming in hot with his Pigt prophecies. Cirinists taking an interest in Cerebus while also discovering that he loves his mother more than his father. And, um, Dirty Fleagle likes dried apricots? Yeah, that'll do.

Final Thoughts

Yeesh. I really need to tone down how much I discuss these comics in the Newsletter. These are practically all normal review entries! The whole purposed of the Newsletter is to read a comic book, write about six lines in The Ranking section that have absolutely nothing to do with the book and then move on! I guess I'm out of practice at not doing reviews in my comic book reviews. I thought it would be way easier reading Eclipso annuals! I blame having to scan those pictures of Phantom Lady to share with everybody. I might not have known what great art was before today but Chris Wozniak cleared that right up for me. Wowzers! What a set of arts on that lady!

That's all for now! Later, jerkos!

Justice League Europe #36 (March 1992)

Max Lord looks insane.

Oberon might be saying, "Hey Max! Everybody is leaving!" Or he could be saying, "Okay Max, Justice League America have left now. Let's get Justice League Europe's shot now! Metamorpho, you idiot, get back here!" Oberon doesn't yell at Crimson Fox to come back because she'd scratch his eyes out if he raised his voice to her. And nobody wants Ralph around anyway.

It's also possible that's a wax figure of Max Lord that the teams were admiring and then Blue Beetle farted.

This is the final part of "Breakdowns" (as you can see by the cover) but it's the first issue that Giffen and DeMatteis had no hand in writing. This one is all convicted sex pest, Gerard Jones! He does not pull the name of this story from "The Second Coming." Unless "Breakdowns: Postscript" is one of the lines I don't remember. I don't have the whole thing memorized like all the nerds who have glamourized that particular poem of his. I get that it's a cool poem with a big monster in it and a couple of lines that can be interpreted in your favor even when you're the passionately intense worst person.

Speaking of the worst person, here's a scan of part of Maxwell Lord's body by the current artist Chris Wozniak.

Calm down, ladies. It's just his finger. I think.

I just noticed there are online reviews of Yeats' "The Second Coming." Christ, the Internet is so fucking broken. "Five stars! Would read again. Makes it quite apparent that something is coming for a second time! Scary!"

I know I sound super old when I rant about this shit but the Internet has fucking sucked for so many years now. Like five sites that people visit (all social media shit), search engines that don't fucking work, and sites having to be designed for people looking at them on the tiniest screen imaginable. Everybody is using the greatest technology of our lives incorrectly. They "keep in touch" with friends via Facebook, they "share their lives" on Instagram, they get their "news" on Twitter, bully "celebrities" on tumblr, and "jerk off" to Pornhub. I don't know why I put "jerk off" in quotes. It just needed to fit the pattern, I guess. The way we're all supposed to be using the Internet is checking in on ten to twenty of our favorite websites on a daily basis to see if they've updated and then emailing our friends pictures of goatse via Squirrelmail. And those websites were pretty fucking specific! Bad Candy. Fat Chicks in Party Hats. Brunching Shuttlecocks's Ratings. Future Retard. Photoshop Phridays. Rotten.com.

Ugh. You know what? I never went to Rotten.com. My existentiality couldn't take it, man. I used to read random entries on Encyclopedia Dramatica (basically an Edgelord Wikipedia) until I stumbled across a gif of that guy who shot himself in the head over Björk (at least I think it was that guy). I won't describe what the gif showed although I'm assuming it was a low caliber pistol because blood and brains were not part of the gif. But I watched that gif run over and over again I don't know how many times, feeling sicker and sicker but unable to look away, somehow trying to capture the moment in his face where he simply stopped existing. tumblr likes to have a good laugh over online cursed images but they're usually talking about a paused scene in Chip and Dale's Rescue Rangers where Dale's tail looks like a penis for a moment or some Make Me Cute photoshop creepy pasta. But I have seen a cursed image and it haunts me still to this day. I absolutely stopped reading Encyclopedia Dramatica after that. Like I said: my existentiality couldn't fucking take that shit.

Guy Gardner, General Glory, and Kilowog all quit the League. That leaves Max Lord with the lowest power levels the League has ever had (excluding that time Aquaman was leader and got half the team killed (or was J'onn leader then? Nah, better to blame it on Aquaman)). But they have one secret member nobody knows about yet!

Aww! Little L'ron has learned how to feel!

By the end of Max's little meeting to catch up with his team, he has nearly no team left. Despero in L'ron's body looks like his heavy hitter at this point as Metamorpho and Rocket Red also quit.

"Happily married man ogles big-breasted woman's back left shoulder."

I don't get the artistic choice in the above panel. Why have Elongated Man act like a teenage boy seeing a naked pair of tits for the first time in his life? Why does he look even more insane than Max Lord on the cover? Power Girl is fully clothed and even if she wasn't, Ralph is checking out the back of her head. The only part I understand is Wally looking on admirably at Ralph trying to piss off Sue.

It's also possible that's a wax figure of Max Lord that the teams are admiring and Power Girl just farted. Oh, and Ralph, with his twitchy nose, loves sniffing farts. You knew that, right?

Power Girl also decides to quit, saying that she doesn't want to work with a bunch of cowardly quitters. Yes, some of the team point out the contradiction but none of them go into depth about how stupid her statement sounds being that she won't be working with the people who quit. Her brain must be rattled from not knowing if she's Atlantean or Kryptonian. Or is that just my brain? I imagine her real reason for quitting, seeing as how she nearly cracks Wally's skull with the can of Diet Mr. Pibb she's drinking, that she's just sick and tired of these men trying to get a glimpse of her underwater treats. Unless they're outer space treats. Where were we on the status of Kara's origin in March of 1992?!

Max continues to try to convince everybody not to make like a rat on a sinking ship. Why are rats the go-to creature we see as smart enough to flee a sinking ship? Shouldn't the go-to creature be humans?! And isn't that saying used to indicate a kind of cowardice or disloyalty? Who wouldn't flee a sinking ship?! Who are these dumbasses who think something like that is noble?!

I'm glad Max points out how the Justice League were the only reason these threats attacked but I'm disappointed he credits their defeat as teamwork. It was all L'ron, Kilowog, and Silver Sorceress, baby!

Finally, Catherine, not having Captain Atom to flirt with anymore, fakes a call from the United Nations and tells Max she's been re-assigned. The only members left are Blue Jay, Fire, Ice, Beetle, Crimson Fox, The Flash, The Elongated Man, and Sue Dibny. Not a lot of power there. Although if I were to act like a major comic book nerd, I could probably wax philosophic about how The Flash is the only member of the team needed to stop most super villains. But only if you treat his super power as the nearly god-like power it is. Unless his opponent was also a speedster, The Flash should be able to best any other person on the planet. And if his opponent is a speedster then it would basically amount to a fist fight in a parking lot. Just one that's over really fast to all the bar patrons that have spilled outside to watch. Also, if The Flash were the only member, this comic book would be called The Flash and I wouldn't buy it.

Oh wait. Crimson Fox quits as well. She fakes her reason too! She says it's because she won't work under a boorish American male (good reason!) but really it's because of the exact reason I made up for Catherine leaving: Captain Atom isn't around to fuck! Holy shit! Is it bad that I think like a convicted sex pest writer?!

Crimson Fox sounds like Aqualad! If she doesn't get wet every 24 hours, she'll die!

Get it? Crimson Fox's suit is as brown as the Silver Sorceress's suit! I guess the editors were tired of receiving letters complaining about characters with colors in their names that don't match their superhero outfits. But now they can't complain at all! Because this whole colorblind thing is such infallible logic! Ha ha! Nerds! Get fucked!

Sue convinces Max to let everybody take lunch so they can think through their decisions to stay with the League. While Sue and Ralph go off to fuck in the kitchen, Hate Robot L'ron stomps off to find some Justice League members to kill. I hope he begins in the kitchen! Not because I want Sue to die. I just want him to walk in just in time to see her slipping her panties off! please please please please please

L'ron doesn't walk in on Ralph and Sue but Wally West does! Unfortunately, being The Flash, he walks in way too soon while Sue and Ralph are still fully clothed. They let Wally know that they're quitting the League as well because they have a mini-series to star in! That prompts The Flash to quit as well! He says it's because he's tired of being the butt of everybody's jokes and playing into the "Mister Sweaty-Palmed Sex Fiend" game. But I don't know how much he was playing. I haven't seen any evidence that Wally isn't a sweaty-palmed sex fiend. But then I never read his monthly comic book. Maybe he was respected more by the writer of that series.

How did Blue Beetle lose fifty pounds between comics?! He was getting called fat by Tanya just a few hours ago!

The creature yelling, "JUSTICE LEAGUE!", is L'ron. I mean Despero. He promptly kicks the new and not-at-all-improved Justice League's asses in just a couple of pages.

It's not Sue slightly raising her skirt so she can tug her panties down to her ankles as Ralph's rubber dick grows fat but it's a nice surprise!

Let's see . . . in March of 1992, I was 20 years old? Yeah, I'm sure I jerked off to this. I didn't find any pubes stuck between the pages though. So maybe I wasn't as gross as I like to imagine!

I'm not saying jerking off is gross! I'm saying the frequency off with which I used to jerk, the places I off in which I used to jerk, and the subject matter off to which I used to jerk were gross! Man, that mangled grammar is really turning me on! BRB!

Despero'ron defeats the Justice League but then is blasted apart by a duck hunter wandering around outside the Justice League Cave. That ridiculousness is enough to send even Blue Beetle to the unemployment line. He can only be upstaged by so many people before he realizes he has no dignity. And being bested by a duck hunter seems to be that final upstaging.

After Beetle quits, Blue Jay follows his lead. And then Fire and Ice. So I guess that's why the cover showed just Max and Oberon! That's it! They're the new Jusice League! And yet I kept buying this for 40 more issues?! Egads, I was dumb!

Justice League Europe #36 Rating: A. It was fun! I liked seeing everybody lose hope, one by one realizing that they never really did save the world in any meaningful manner because every threat was actually caused by something they did (or their mere existence). The entire team has walked away and yet the next issue of Justice League America shows the new League! Where do I go to read about the formation of the new group?! Oh! It's a comic book I've already reviewed: Justice League Spectacular #1! I guess I'll re-read that before I continue on to JLA Issue #61. You should go read the review of that one too! You just passed over the link!

Justice League America #57 (December 1991)

I have no idea what the "Extremities!" above the title means.

"Extremities!" seems to be an interjection of some kind based on my detective work that discovered the clue of the exclamation point. But what is it trying to convey? This was the era of Bill and Ted with the release of the second movie this same year so it feels like it it's parodying their use of "Excellent!" Maybe it's just their cleaned up version of yelling, "Shit!" Either because Max Lord, a terrible person, has woken up from his coma or because he's been taken hostage by The Extremists. Take your poison, I guess.

I never do this but you know what? We have access to creators so easily via the Internet these days, I'm simply going to ask J.M. DeMatteis if he remembers the reason for this cover design. This is a good excuse to not have to work on this review while I await a reply! I can now go play some Starfield without thinking about all the other shit I should be doing!

*One Day Later*
Well, I asked him and my levels of clarification are now at a whopping -100%!

This answer feels like a personal insult! How dumb and unobservant does DeMatteis take me to be?!

Don't answer that question! He probably hasn't read all of my reviews which prove me to be a hyper-intelligent, astute, insightful critic of the comic book medium and not a dolt like some of you readers with no reading comprehension think they prove me to be! But wait! There's more helpful information!

I've truly never been more insulted regarding somebody's perception of my intelligence ever before!

"A play on words," he says! He really does think I'm a huge idiot! I did manage to figure out it was a play on words, Mark. My problem was I didn't understand what the play was! What does it MEAN?! I suppose I could have replied asking for more clarification but I didn't want to bother him anymore and he was trying to be truly helpful and I absolutely appreciate his responding to a question asking about some dumb comic book cover that he might not even have had anything to do with from over thirty years ago! You'll also note I didn't post my question to him because it was probably confusing and unclear and the main reason DeMatteis didn't quite understand how to answer the question and we've already spent too much time on my mental and writing limitations so maybe we should just move on!

Shit! I think I just figured it out! It was a play on Stan Lee's "Excelsior!" Sorry, J.M., for bothering you and I wasn't being mean about your response here! Just whimsical and hyperbolic. I really should have been more clear about my confusion when asking about the cover.

This issue is called "The Descent of . . . Despero!" With a title like that, I'm expecting something on the scale of a Shakespearian tragedy like King Lear or As You Like It.

The story begins as grand as some of the greatest novels in Western literature with a memorable opener that can't be denied. Maybe even greater! It outdoes "A screaming comes across the sky" by a million miles and two tight cheeks! It stands gorgeously quaffed hair and broad shoulders above "The man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed." It's clown make-up better painted on than "All this happened, more or less."

Jesus Christ, look at that ass.

I'm glad Lobo wore clown make-up and was so pumped full of sexual charisma that he could never quite become a right wing symbol of over-the-top violence in the name of justice like The Punisher. Also Lobo fucks space dolphins and might be a bit too tied to planetary genocide to represent American justice (not that that doesn't represent Amercan justice quite well! It's just people wouldn't want to signal that part of America's virtue). Although most of them are so stupid they really can't see much past their love of violence as a response to any disagreement with their bigoted views or overly aggressive attitudes. I mean, cops are too dumb to realize that The Punisher has killed as many cops as bad guys in his Memento-like impossible quest to bring back his family masquerading as a war on crime. He's just Batman with bullets, really.

Lobo is so much better than Batman and The Punisher! The universe doesn't need more sad toxic males maiming and murdering whomever they see as a stand-in for the person who killed their loved ones (again, Memento-like!); the universe needs a nihilistic clown with a tight ass who doesn't care who he kills or why but also always keeps his word for some reason. I guess a character should have at least one flaw to round them out.

Lobo has been hired to hunt Despero and bring him back to Manga Khan. Not because Manga Khan is worried about the destruction Despero is apt to cause while loose but because Despero is unpaid for merchandise.

Every night I dream Lobo will say these words to me.

Well, that's the best part of the issue done! I'll probably have to wait until the next issue of the "Breakdowns" story arc in Justice League Europe #33 for more of my Main Man and his Main Ass.

Back in London, Inspector Camus teams up with The Beefeater to go on a mission to tell the Justice League that somebody has stolen The Extremists from Tussaud's Wax Museum. "Extremities!"

Max Lord attends a Coming Out of a Coma Party at the Justice League's old cave. He's acting so weird that maybe I've just figured out the whole "Extremities!" bit! What if Mitch Wacky took the Extremists from the Museum to use their parts to make a Max Lord automaton? That would mean each of the Extremists could have been used as one of Max's extremities. Did I figure it out?! Maybe that's why J.M. DeMatteis was so vague about the "play on words." Because saying too much would have been a spoiler!

Lord's head begins to hurt, probably because he has robot brains or he's using too much concentration to make everybody party in a way many of them never would (like J'onn and Kara and, well, that might be it, actually), so he leaves the party. Inspector Camus and Beefeater also leave, heading to the old UN headquarters to look up Mitch Wacky's address. While there, Despero crashes through the ceiling to begin a brawl with The Beefeater. How this wasn't the cover done in a mirror image style of the Lobo vs. Despero cover for Justice League Europe #33, I can't imagine. Those two comic books on the shelves next to each other would have sold so many more copies! I know a comic book with Lobo on the cover would already completely sell out so what I'm saying is more copies of this issue would have sold if they'd done a Beefeater vs. Despero cover matching the Lobo vs. Despero cover.

Despero makes quick work of The Beefeater and Inspector Camus which is probably why Beefeater didn't make the cover. But he did act heroically which is probably important for him getting a little respect in the future even though he's been played as a complete joke up until now.

Chris Wozniak working on the composition of this panel: "I think it needs a little more woman ass."

Before I noticed the woman's ass in that panel, I was going to comment on Despero's lack of genitals. So let's do that one too.

Despero's hate is a manifestation of his NDE.

Max Lord tells Catherine he's going to Kooey Kooey Kooey Island to recover for a week or so but in actuality he's headed there to make sure Uncle Mitch Wacky gets the Extremists back up and running. Because Max Lord's body has been taken over by Dreamslayer! "Extremities!" for real!

Justice League America #57 Rating: A+. Every comic book review is somebody's first comic book review so I'll explain why this issue received an A+: because Lobo was in it. You see, I don't really review comic books. I just read them and write some nonsense about them and then give them a rating that means nothing depending on how I remember being entertained while writing about the comic book (not how entertained I was reading it! And not how entertained I was writing about it! Always just a vague emotional memory of how I think I felt while writing about it!). I love when Lobo makes an appearance because then I don't even have to pretend to care about the reasons for my rating! It just automatically gets an A+ because every issue with an appearance by Lobo is one of the best comic books ever created. I would say the same thing for Ambush Bug but I don't think I have yet to review a comic book with Ambush Bug in it.

Justice League America #56 (November 1991)

This cover is genuinely creepy.

The cover or pull date on this issue is November 1991. That means the comic book probably hit store shelves in September of 1991, exactly ten years before the destruction of the World Trade Center by terrorists in 2001. Happening concurrently to this issue in the DC Universe (or just finished) was DC's series called Armageddon 2001. Martian Manhunter, being a telepath, must be contemplating the future tragedy. He probably read the mind of Monarch who was from 2001 and learned what was going to happen ten years from now. So he's taking a time out to contemplate life and love and existence. He's also probably thinking, "I know we just changed the future by defeating Monarch but I don't think I should change the future that much! The towers are just going to have to come down." I bet he put a mental block in his memory to make himself forget so that he wouldn't be tempted to interfere with the time line.

This issue is called "Look Homeward, Leaguers." That's probably a Thomas Wolfe reference but since Giffen and DeMatteis use references with no context, it's hard to tell. Just like Blue Beetle doing a Joan Rivers impression on the cover of the previous issue. Does it make sense? Does it add any layers to the meaning of the piece? Do most people not even realize it's a reference? No, no, and yes. Unless that yes should be "No, they don't." I probably shouldn't have asked a question with a negating bit in it. I never know how to answer those.

The credits have an added thank you bit for this issue:

Yeesh. I wonder how old Mark Badger was?

Justice League America are informed that their United Nations charter has been revoked so they're now as homeless as Justice League Europe. That must be why they're returning to the old Justice League cave headquarters where the Doom Patrol are possibly squatting right now. Or maybe it's just Joshua Clay from the Doom Patrol that's hiding away in the cave? J'onn seems upset because the Justice League has helped save the world multiple times (his words, not mine) and they don't deserve to have their easy paycheck and free living quarters taken away from them. Isn't that all the benefits they get from having a United Nations charter? Supposedly the charter makes it easier to save the world but it really just causes a huge bureaucratic headache. As an independent contractor, the Justice League can go anywhere and create any kind of international incident they feel like without anybody telling them boo! Oh, sure, some political leaders will scream at them and condemn their actions. But who gives a fuck? They're the Justice League! Let's see some non-super humans try to stop them!

Whoops! Sorry. I stole Guy's thunder. Here he is saying basically the same thing.

Blue Beetle agrees with me and Guy. He decides to abandon the League to go join The Conglomerate while Guy Gardner goes back to doing the job he's been slacking on: guardian of Sector 2814. Fire and Ice quit and go their separate ways as well. But the biggest surprise is when these two leave:

Just kidding! I already forgot they were on the team!

Why did Giffen and DeMatteis even bother to bring them on the team?! They didn't do shit! Tasmanian Devil punched Guy in the face but that's about the extent of their accomplishments as Leaguers. And if Doctor Light didn't want the job, why did she sign up? This smacks of some kind of meta-publishing bullshit. Does DC need to make sure every single one of their characters makes an appearance every two or three years or else they lose the right to not pay royalties to the creators? It's just fucking weird. Half of the time I've been reading this comic book, it feels like the creative team has been adding new members who leave just as quickly or suddenly losing long-term members out of nowhere in an editorial note. It feels less like an ongoing story and more like a storage cabinet for barely used DC characters.

The Conglomerate doesn't hire Blue Beetle because he's too fat. The news devastates Booster Gold who now has to live with Ted as his filthy roommate because Ted can't afford to move out. I guess Blue Beetle takes the news badly as well although without the job, he gets to hang around Booster's sweet apartment eating pizza and watching game shows all day. I'd be Booster's wife for that gig. And I wouldn't mind keeping the place clean and tidy! Or maybe throwing him a handy every now and again. Not leaving the house while eating junk food and watching game shows all day has been my dream since 1st grade. I'd do some pretty degrading bedroom shit to maintain that lifestyle.

Bea and Tora have decided to do modeling for a living because remember that scene where they were battling Norse Gods? That was the top picture in their portfolio. But the agency that had been courting Bea for months tells her they're not interested if she doesn't have a connection to the Justice League. Which seems like bad business to me because she did have a connection to the Justice League and just because she left them doesn't mean that she suddenly lost all of that cultural cachet or her hot ass. Only two reasons can exist as to why this guy is passing on the opportunity to hire Fire (and Ice): 1. He's bad at business. 2. Hiring Bea was his plan to get an in with the Justice League so he could meet and fuck Martian Manhunter.

Imagine using these two adorable faces so you can suck a Martian's dick.

Dammit. Now I'm imagining sucking a Martian's dick.

Bea doesn't let this one dropped job offer stop her quest to become the hottest model since sliced bread. And Tora goes with her because she's bad at finances. At one point she says, "Our credit cards are only going to hold out another few days—and I don't want to blow what little savings I have." How does she think credit cards work? She's blowing her current and future savings by maxing out her credit cards! Fucking Goddesses and their inability to understand human monetary bullshit.

Guy Gardner acknowledges in a soliloquy that he's only a super hero so that he can beat the shit out of people and still feel righteous. I've defended him a lot because I loved him so much in the '80s and '90s and I was desperate not to acknowledge how wrong I was to feel that way but now his conservative values have really come to the forefront and I have to rethink my love for him.

Like all conservatives, Guy wants to murder homeless people.

Why do all conservatives desperately want to commit violence and murder? So much so that they "other" everybody possible to lay the foundation of the excuse they'll use the day they finally feel justified in taking another person's life. To them, every manufactured offense can be met with deadly violence. Disrespect a cop? You should die. Fall through society's cracks and lose everything so that you're living on the street? You should die. Shopping while Black and being incorrectly reported to the cops as being a shoplifter? You should die. Live your life as a gender different than what's on your birth certificate? You should die. Enjoying a carefree and humanist life unrestricted by religious dogma? You should die. I could probably go on and on with the examples because they fucking despise anybody who wants to make the world a better place for everybody (a better world they would reap the benefits of, by the way). They're small-minded, petty people who need to control everybody else's lives while also feeling like they're some kind of victim. Don't they realize nobody would have a problem with them living their life of conservative values if those values weren't all tied up in not letting anybody else live their lives?

Dammit. Now I hate Guy Gardner.

Guy comes home to the apartment he shares with General Glory to discover the General has invited all of the homeless people in the area in to have a nice meal.

General Glory's values come from a time when the United States was at its most socialist which is why he believes compassion is The American Way.

It should also be noted that General Glory's values come from a time before the Civil Rights Era where "socialism" meant "the government helps white people." Once it became clear that the government legally needed to help all people, "America" suddenly decided that maybe the government shouldn't be helping anybody at all. At least General Glory didn't pick up on the dog whistles of American mid-century socialism so he's genuinely trying to be compassionate to anybody who needs a little help. Guy, on the other hand, is a fucking prick.

J'onn tries to live a quiet, meditative life in a house he's rented but makes the mistake of taking L'ron on as his roommate. And since J'onn can't get any peace and quiet with the subservient, fawning little droid hanging about, he decides to try to fix the Justice League. Besides, the League has been his family for comic book decades. He doesn't know anything else. Also Despero is coming to Earth to start trying to kill them all again so J'onn will need some help dealing with that problem.

J'onn isn't the only one suddenly desperate to fix the League. Blue Beetle decides to get in shape and save the group. Fire decides to abandon her modeling career and get the League back. And General Glory talks Guy through his feelings for Ice and his teammates so that Guy also believes the League needs to be reformed. So basically the Justice League didn't exist for about six pages. This is what happens when you don't have Batman on the active roster. One day you lose funding and everything descends into chaos for a while (a very short while) because you don't have a super rich guy to buy a satellite headquarters for you.

The entire team wind up meeting outside the old cave headquarters and agree on the thing they should have agreed on immediately instead of all running off in a huff: keep the team together. It was so obvious! Even when they had a United Nations charter, they still kept sneaking into Bialya to cause trouble. Now they can do that whenever they want without anybody threatening to cut off funding!

Once they enter the cave, they realize somebody has recently been there. Like Joshua Clay!

See? I remember some stuff! But only if it's traumatic and reading Morrison's Doom Patrol was exactly that.

All memory is trauma in some form or another. It's why it's memory! If you didn't suffer some form of trauma, you wouldn't form a memory of the event. On some level, pure joy can be just as distressing to our mental state as terror. So while trauma can be defined as a physical injury, I think it's also a mental injury—a scar—caused by the power of the event. A memory is a scar.

I have a scar on my left arm, just beneath the inside of the elbow. It's a long cat scratch made by my poor, long-dead, best friend Judas. It's about two inches long and was caused when you was jumping up on the arm of a couch to jump up to a higher location and didn't realize my arm was there. I got the full brunt of one of this back claws just digging through my flesh as he propelled his fifteen pound body high into the air. It instantly welled with blood and I looked at it, got really emotional, and began to cry. Not because it hurt but because I knew it would scar and I would have a lasting memory of my favorite boy ripped into my flesh. It still makes me tear up when I look at it. That's what I think of memory.

Turns out the people currently living in the cave are the jobless, homeless Justice League Europe. Everybody vomits when they see them because Ralph's neck is fifty feet long. But I think everything goes smoothly after that.

Justice League America #56 Rating: B. The individual scenes of the Leaguers trying to live their non-League lives was entertaining enough to support the stupid premise that the League completely broke down as soon as the United Nations kicked them out of the Embassy. If I were more cynical than I am, I'd say the whole break-up was just an easy way to fire Tasmanian Devil and Doctor Light. Or I suppose if I were more charitable and less cynical, I wouldn't even have mentioned how silly it seemed for them to break up for a day or two before realizing the League didn't have to die without the United Nations backing it. Emotionally, they all needed time to settle down and re-evaluate their lives without the other Leaguers breathing down their necks. Every one of them needed to come to their own conclusion that being a member of the League was actually what they wanted. Except Guy. He needed help from his surrogate father and therapist, General Glory. And Ice knew all along but she had to support her best friend in her decision to leave. The only real problem now is that they have to live in a cave with Ralph Dibny.