Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #63 (February 2026)

E!TACT! #63
Cerebus #41, Excerpts from the TTRPG Table, and Letters to Me!
By Grunion Guy


Comic Book Reviews!

Cerebus #41 (August 1982)
By Dave Sim

The Ranking
Cerebus's campaign manages to purchase a second carriage which was an issue in a previous, um, issue because the carriage was so crowded that Moon Roach kept rubbing himself against Astoria. This has enabled Cerebus to get some distance from Astoria and sneak about doing some secret deal campaigning without her notice. With Dirty Fleagle, Moon Roach, and Bran Mak Mufin in Cerebus's carriage, they spend most of their time gambling. But when they're not gambling, they're making backdoor deals with the Cirinists. Astoria wouldn't negotiate for the Cirinists' electoral votes because they wanted her off the campaign completely. But Cerebus has negotiated terms to get their votes that would keep Astoria no better than a secretary in his government. So now he's in a good place to win but Astoria doesn't realize it because she doesn't know about the extra votes. Eventually, none of this will matter because it will all come down to like one yokel's vote and that yokel might just want to fuck Julius's goat so it could be bad. Spoiler: it won't be! I think the guy hates the idea of a goat in charge.

A few other bits of intrigue take place this issue too. The "duck statue" comes back into play. Everybody seems to realize it's important but, as of yet, nobody really knows why. It was just a stupid throw away line a while back when Cerebus's ransom was never paid and instead it was replaced by statue of a duck. But the duck has been lost now and Moon Roach is searching for it because of the other bit of intrigue. Moon Roach has discovered that Astoria doesn't love him. Duh. She doesn't love anybody, bug! He thinks she loves Cerebus but she just wants the power Cerebus can bring them. Also she's fucking Dirty Drew because who isn't? Apparently he's the hottest dude in Estarcion and he really knows how to please the ladies! He doesn't even need to give them a statue of a duck.

This series would have been better if it followed Dirty Drew McGrew. Heck, 95% of the characters are more entertaining than Cerebus himself. Cerebus is a dick. Kind of like Dave is!

Dave certainly didn't mean for Cerebus to be anything like himself. He wrote Cerebus as if the character surprised him at every turn, so much so that Dave had to insert himself into the book to try to warn Cerebus about his life's direction. Dave wrote that Cerebus would die alone, unloved and unmourned. At the time, he seemed to cast that as a warning for Cerebus to change his selfish and destructive ways. But by the end, did Dave simply believe that all visionaries, prophets, and geniuses come to that end? I'm not saying Dave is alone and unloved but he isn't not super close to that position based on his professional life and what became of it. And it seems like Dave thinks he was visited by God about changing his ways too. He stopped fucking and masturbating. He dove head-first into all three Abrahamic religions of the People of the Book. As if he needed to change his ways before he was unloved and unmourned. Except Dave seemed to realize, through his movement of Cerebus toward death and ultimately Hell, that being loved and mourned was nothing compared to your soul's eternal existence. So he didn't care if people liked him or the final thirty issues of Cerebus because it was no longer about that. He had found religion (not any of the three of the People of the Book but a weird, amorphous combination of the three that he created based on his genius understanding of the texts through the eyes of a — sorry, Dave, but this is pretty accurate based on your "two 'Gods'" reading of The Bible — chauvinist. I won't go so far to say Dave's a misogynist; he reminds me more of Piers Anthony who believes the weird, sexist things he believes not through any proof of living but through some weird bending of perception happening in the brain. You know, a kind of post-'60s free love era, '70s sexism, possibly something you can only truly understand if you were there. I guess that's not true because, while I was there, I was single digits during. What would I know about sexism of the '70s other than looking at things I remember through the eyes of the older version of me and Armistead Maupin's Tales of the City books?!

Okay, I'm done thinking about Dave Sim and Cerebus now! Let's move on!

* * * * * * * * * *

Tales from the TTRPG Table

One of the aspects of Table-top Role Playing Games that I think Game Masters and Players tend to ignore is how much of our actual lives are spent as audience. When at the gaming table, players expect to participate in every moment. And why not? Where else can you rightfully have Main Character Syndrome if not at the gaming table?! But what good is a world for your players to play within if that world doesn't have depth and movement separated from their lives? As a Game Master, I believe that things should happen that the Players never actually discover. It might mean that I write ten pages for every page of game revealed to the Players but that doesn't mean that those ten other pages were wasted. They inform the story in ways the Players may never realize but they'll appreciate in how, when they discover something unexpected, that thing makes sense in the world and they can even backfill the beats and movements of other lives they weren't privy to. And sometimes I just write lengthy scenes where the Players can learn as much as they want to learn by paying attention to all that happens while they're merely set as observers. I do not write in pauses for them although they're always free to interrupt and do something stupid. So here's a two-and-a-half part scene from a Zweihander campaign I was running a few years ago. Enjoy! Maybe?

* * * * * * * * * *

Scene: Outside Customs
Mister Tinsel Lashes Out

Mister Tinsel is waiting for you as you exit The Gift Shop. He’s obviously been crying, his eyes red and puffy. “Crutches is dead.” He looks down at his feet, his hands wringing the front of his shirt, and then he looks back up at your blank expressions. “Crutches?! The Halfling guide for The Drowned?! THE DROWNED?! The new crew of explorers rescued from the shipwrecks? THE SHIPWRECKS?! The Superfluous and The Distraction?!” Having actually given you no time to react, you simply allow Mister Tinsel to vent, seeing as a friend and fellow guide has died. He sighs. “Anyway, they’re throwing a wake for him down at Liminal Spaces, if you can be bothered.” He turns and marches toward the bar.

Scene: Inside Liminal Spaces, Orcas' bar
A Wake for Crutches

Liminal Spaces is standing room only as you shove your way in. Orcas waves you over to the bar, pointing to a line of shots on the counter. You push your way past Foros and Bera, holding hands and looking sad standing in the back of the room. Three gnomes in orange jumpsuits and green helmets scurry through your party as they weave their way to the front of the bar where a large crate has been overturned as a makeshift stage. You even notice a couple of Empire Soldiers in attendance. You’re aware of how much of an impact Crutches made on these people even if you barely knew he existed. Even Foros and Bera wouldn’t have known him well; they’ve simply been overwhelmed by the somber atmosphere.

You get to the bar and Orcas hands everybody a shot. “It’s not much, just a little backroom brew I’ve been working on. You know. For occasions like this.” She picks up a glass and downs a shot herself, hissing at the vileness of it. “For all our sakes, hopefully this doesn’t become too common. At least not until I can perfect this recipe.”

Everybody from every group is here drinking and laughing, some crying, with the notable exception of the Bookhouse Boys (not that you’d recognize any of them). Warburton sits up front against the wall behind the crate, facing the crowd. The new pudgy guy sits on a cot in the corner observing it all, and occasionally writing in a journal in his lap. A large brutish man you’ve never seen before stands in the dark corner. His face is covered in a large, scraggly beard and his long wiry hair is held back in a ponytail. He wears bronze armor and carries a Gladius on his hip over a leather skirt. His eyes glint in the dark like those of an animal.

[The man in the corner is Gorf, Consoler of First Fallen, and one of the five Higher-Ups for The Lantern Society. Even though others have fallen on the Island before, Gorf senses this is the first actual casualty for what has become a complete army exploring this island. These are the brothers and sisters who will fight to save the world.]

Warburton stands up and climbs shakily onto the box. “Thanks for coming, everybody.” Cheers and toasts fill the room with a smattering of people yelling, “To Crutches!” Warburton waits for the room to grow silent and says, “I never know what to say when this happens. And I sort of don’t want to turn this into some kind of inspirational rally to fight for good and live life to its fullest. It just fucking sucks. Other than to celebrate Crutches’ life and get fall down drunk doing so, we’re also here because one of the Higher-Ups, Gorf, wanted to say something. And, well, who am I to refuse Gorf?”

“WHO IS ANYONE TO REFUSE GORF?!” booms the man in the corner as he bends his knees, grips his Gladius, and scans the room.

Warburton’s frown breaks and she laughs. “Okay, calm the fuck down, Gorf. Oh. Um, sorry for my continued informality everybody. Anyway, here’s Gorf.”

The large man steps forward, looks down at the crate, and smashes it beneath his foot as he puts his weight on it. He shakes the broken crate until his foot is free and then looks out at the crowd. “I AM GORF,” he states in what's apparently his normal voice but would be a shout coming out of anybody else. He is quite large. “I AM CONSOLER OF THE FIRST FALLEN AND THOUGH WE HAVE LOST OTHERS BEFORE THIS, CRUTCHES IS THE FIRST OF OUR ARMY TO FALL SINCE WE HAVE BECOME THE FAMILY WE WERE ALWAYS MEANT TO BE. WE ARE ALL HERE. IF NOT IN THIS ROOM, SOMEWHERE ON THE ISLAND. I SENSE US ALL. FINALLY. AND WE, ALL OF US, ARE AT WAR WITH FORCES THAT WOULD TAKE EVERYTHING: POSSESSIONS, LAND, LIFE, TIME, EXISTENCE. THOSE IN THIS ROOM HAVE BEEN CHOSEN TO STOP THIS FROM HAPPENING. WE DON’T KNOW HOW IT WILL HAPPEN OR IF ANY OF US WILL, TRAGICALLY, PLAY A PART. BUT WE MUST FIGHT AGAINST ITS HAPPENING WITH ALL OF OUR STRENGTH, WILL, AND DETERMINATION. WITH THE DEATH OF CRUTCHES, OUR ENEMY HAS DRAWN FIRST BLOOD.”

Orcas leans over and whispers to you all, “Crutches died falling in a sinkhole.”

“BUT WE WILL DRAW SECOND BLOOD! AND THEY WILL FIND NEED FOR THEIR CONSOLER OF THE FIRST FALLEN, WHATEVER BESOTTED AND VILE DEMON THAT MIGHT BE! SURELY MY OPPOSITE, UGLY AND LOATHSOME TO LOOK UPON! IN THE FINAL BATTLE, I WILL BE SURE TO SMITE HIM! SO IN CRUTCHES’ NAME, I SAY, “TO WAR!”” When Gorf says “To War!”, he actually does shout and it leaves everybody’s ears ringing. He steps back into the shadows in the corner.

Warburton steps up, looks at the ruined crate, and shrugs. “Well, I said we weren’t going to make this some inspirational speech relying on the death of Crutches but I guess Gorf here didn’t get the memo.”

“THERE WAS NO MEMO, HARLOT!”

“By the Empress. Sorry about that. Let’s just keep Crutches in our memory. He was a good kid with a bad leg. Drink up, I guess.”

Warburton heads into the crowd and begins speaking with Hips and Flaming Willy.

[Let the party mingle. If they stay for any length of time, the following will play out.]

Scene: Liminal Spaces, after the Wake
Tim Receives a Prophetic Nickname

“Excuse me! Excuse me! I know most of you don’t know me. My name is Tim. I’m a poet. Your little orange and green gnomes pulled me from my hiding place a few days back, dehydrated and on the brink of death. So this place saved me. And I wanted to express my gratitude with a poem, if you don’t mind.”

“This outta be jolly,” barks Imhol from where he was sat at a table with a mug of ale in each hand.

“Yeah, gives us your poem, Jolly!” shouts Vyach sitting next to Imhol, either thinking Imhol was calling the man by name or simply deciding a quick nickname was in order.

“Okay.” Tim pulls out his journal and flips it open. A strange pen falls out and clatters to his feet. He clears his throat and says, “This is called Poem. Um, all my poems are called Poem. Um, anyway, it goes like this.

"The first time I saw you, I thought, “Goy! That’s a little fella!”
Then you limped to the bar and I chuckled.
Probably inappropriately. But, you know, laughing is like a fart sometimes.
It won’t be held in.
You saw me chuckling and you grinned, turning back to the bar,
And ordering another mug.
Which you brought to me.
Like an old friend.”

Tim closes the journal. “Um, thanks for listening.” Vyach stands and applauds enthusiastically, “Thanks, Jolly!” You feel as if Vyach is actually applauding himself for coming up with the guy’s nickname.

* * * * * * * * * *


Letters to Me!

Stella Saide Writes: REAL AND HONEST LOVE SPELL CASTER. I don’t really know how to thank Priest Guba, enough for what he has done for me. My husband left me and went back to his mistress for months. If not for the intervention of Priest Guba, I wouldn't have gotten back my husband. His powerful reunion love spell brought back my husband. I doubted him at the beginning but I realized without faith nothing Is possible. Thank God today I am among the people who testify about Priest Guba, for his good work that restored peace back to my marriage.

My Reply: Unless your husband killed himself following his dead mistress into the afterlife and Priest Guba brought him back to life, I think you might be making a huge mistake thanking that guy. Who wants a lousy husband that treats you like that? Forget Priest Guba! You should gone to Tony the Butcher! Or Isabella "Emasculation" Quintana. Also, you might be confused about "faith" if you're thanking a "real and honest spell caster." I think magic is different than miracles in some way. Or have I been wrong my entire life and hypnotists are using the power of God to make people act like chickens? Also why did you capitalize "Is"? That's a weird choice. Please ask Priest Guba if he can resurrect cats for me. I know some people prescribe to the tenet "Sometimes, dead is better" but I'd like to give it a try anyway. Thanks!

* * * * * * * * * *

Later, jerkos!

Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #62 (Fourth Thursday of January 2026)

E!TACT! #62
Invasion! Book Two: Battleground Earth, Eclipso: The Darkness Within: Superman The Man of Steel Annual #1, and Cerebus #40
By Grunion Guy!


Comic Book Reviews!

Oh fuck this issue had a Globalist agenda!

Invasion! Book Two: Battleground Earth (November 1988)
By Keith Giffen, Bill Mantlo, Todd McFarlane, P. Craig Russell, Al Gordon, Joe Rubenstein, Tom Christopher, Carl Gafford, Agustin Mas, and John Costanza
Edited by Kevin Dooley and Andrew Helfer, of course.

Now hold on! Wait a second! Let me explain! I didn't mean "Globalist" as an antisemitic dog whistle! I meant it as a cat whistle for people who understand that we're all just human beings and we shouldn't be denigrating other people simply because of man made imaginary lines crisscrossing the globe! You know, borders! I'm talking about borders! Globalism should be considered the opposite of Imperialism. We don't want to force our beliefs and way of lives on other people; we want to integrate all of our ways of life so that anything can be experienced, everything available to all. Fuck Gatekeepers and Imperialists and Xenophobes and ICE and Donald Trump and every fucking Republican who somehow thinks there's still a difference between MAGA and conservatism. Oh! Also fuck neo-liberal Democrats who have basically decided they're the new Reagan Conservatives. You know, the ones who think they can steal votes from centrist Republicans without fucking realizing that even so-called moderate Republicans have been so brainrotted by propaganda that they will never consider voting for an awful, terrible Democrat even if those Democrats' values and beliefs basically mirror '80s Republicans. Embrace progressives and the left, you dumbies! There's nothing to gain in the center! FOX News and MAGA propaganda have tainted anything labeled "Democrat" and they'll never fucking vote for you, no matter how many one-off Liz Cheneys you court to your side.

I wonder how many people in 1988 exploded into apoplectic rage when they saw Wonder Woman and Captain Atom raising the flag of the United Nations? Obviously that communist Martian Manhunter would be doing it! And that half-liberal academic Firestorm! What makes me laugh (angry laugh!) is that no matter how rational the reason given by some anti-Globalist jerk, all it ever amounts to is "I hate foreigners but I know I shouldn't say that." I mean, okay, since 2016, they've begun to learn that they can say it. But pretty soon, they're all going to re-learn consequences. I don't have any power to deliver those consequences myself which is why I no longer speak with my father or many friends I grew up with. Because withholding the joy of being my friend is the only power I have over anybody. Mostly because I never wanted power over anyone! Desiring power is a fool's game only played by self-loathing jerks who need constant affirmation from others, even if that affirmation must be coerced. I'm just a smol guy!

The DC Universe's post-Crisis map of Earth was all kinds of fucked up.

Between Invasion! Book One and Invasion! Book Two were a number of crossover issues in DC's monthly titles. In 1988, I couldn't afford to purchase every book with an "INVASION! CROSSOVER!" label across the top. Luckily, the important bits are recapped at the beginning of this issue because DC probably still thought mostly kids were reading their comics in 1988 and not middle-aged losers still living with their parents. Sorry! I meant smart middle-aged people saving a buck who loved their parents dearly and would never trade them for their independence and their virginity.

Apparently during the crossover issues this guy died when Aquaman failed to save him:

"Who's that?" you're probably thinking. That's Celsius. "Who's that?" you're probably thinking.

Also during the crossovers, Superman negotiated a 24 hour ceasefire to give the Earthlings time to round up all the superheroes and offer them up on a silver platter. The Dominators were dumb enough to fall for that ploy because Superman's so honest, I guess? They must have heard he stands for truth so they were all, "Well, we have to believe him then!" But they forgot he also stands for The American Way which is all about lying your ass off to get one over on the next guy and make a shit-ton of money. As for the "shit-ton of money", Max Lord will probably give Superman a huge bonus if this works.

Even with only half of that cake showing, it's fucking mouthwatering.

I should explain for my more prudish readers that by "cake" I meant "Captain Atom's ass."

Captain Atom, being the super general assigned to this war, maps out his strategy: attack the aliens! Batman agrees that's a good strategy but he's afraid too many superheroes suck ass and won't be able to do it. So Amanda Waller steps up and is all, "Well you'll just have to team up with the super villains!" Nobody mentions that most of the super villains suck as well. My suggestion would be to break open the bottled city of Kandor and send six hundred Supermen and Superwomen off to battle the aliens.

Couldn't somebody — anybody! — have shown Todd McFarlane a map of the Earth?

So Chapter Two sees the heroes of Earth break the ceasefire. This isn't dishonorable because their home is under attack and also they're the heroes and also most of them are Americans and that's three categories of people who feel righteous when they use violence so take that, Dominators! In your fucking face which is mostly teeth anyway! The most important part of the battle is when Superman learns the Daxamites are as strong as he is. But also the next most important part is when he realizes they're all losing their powers because of something in the air and he has to save their lives. That was almost six more deaths on Thomas Midgley, Jr's conscious. As if his conscious would even notice a mere six more deaths! The third most important part of Chapter Two is when the Daxamites are all, "Hey, you're pretty noble, Superman! Maybe we're on the wrong side!" That'll probably come back to bite the Dominators in their almost certainly way too toothy asshole.

Chapter Three takes place across the universe where the nerd Dominator has isolated the Meta-Gene. He believes it will make the other Dominators respect him but they won't because he still just has a tiny little red circle on his forehead instead of a massive one. Also there's a fatal flaw in his calculations that won't be exposed for another thirty years or so: the letter "L". Because it's the Metal-Gene and not the Meta-Gene, idiot!

Like every other gene in a person's body, it's found in just a single location. I wonder where the Penis gene is? I bet it's somewhere stupid like between the 3rd and 4th toe on the left foot.

This nerd dominator has invented the Meta-Gene-Bomb that can negate the Meta-Gene rendering all of Earth's super-heroes harmless! Except Superman because he's an alien. And also Batman because he doesn't have a meta-gene. And maybe Blue Beetle but, like, who cares, right?

The Daxamites call home and invite more Daxamites to play. When they arrive, they basically rout what's left of the alien alliance. The Dominators decide to blow up Earth rather than surrender but never get the chance because Boston Brand's been possessing characters right and left throughout this issue, even people just off at the bottom of a panel doing nothing. You could always tell because they had a glowing aura around them. I guess The Spectre allowed him to fight with the heroes because nobody would really notice.

Boston even gets to blow his own brains out at one point.

You would think that was the end of the invasion but there's still one 80 page book left. I guess that nerd Dominator with the Meta-Gene-Bomb is really going to fuck things up all on his own. Too bad all the Dominators with massive red dots are too dead to notice him.

The Ranking
Book Two ends on a high note without any suggestion that more tomfoolery by the Dominators is afoot (other than the back cover). If you were a kid in 1988 who couldn't afford Book Three, it wouldn't matter! The first two books tell a solid tale of a near catastrophic invasion that forced the people of the world to come together to battle their massive squid overlords. I mean the yellow toothy overlords. That squid thing was a big fake that probably didn't allow for world peace to last long because of stupid Rorschach and his stupid diary of stupid and violent observations. What a jerk that guy was! Anyway, that was kind of fun and I didn't mention Wally West's dad sacrificing his life to stop the Durlans because his sacrifice apparently doesn't take and he pops up again later to be a pain in Wally's ass. I think the only other heroes that died were about twenty-eight different Omega Men.

I can't decide which I think is too wide: Superman's thigh, his S-logo, or his face.

Superman: The Man of Steel Annual #1 (1992)
By Chris Wozniak, Robert Loren Fleming, Brad Vancata, Albert de Guzman, and Matt Hollingsworth
Cover by Joe Quesada and Jimmy Palmiotti
Edited by Mike Carlin and Dan Thorsland

In the opening issue of The Darkness Within DC money grab, Eclipso managed to possess Valor when Valor entered into Eclipso's palace on the moon which, we learn, basically means Valor penetrated Eclipso. Valor is inside Eclipso. Valor took his whole body and he slid inside Eclipso's gaping orifice. Before now, Eclipso didn't realize he was powerful enough to possess superheroes. He just thought his abilities allowed him to possess one schlub of a solar scientist named Bruce Gordon (hmm, I wonder how Bob Haney came up with that name? (Oh, look. It explains in the Wikipedia. Excuse me while I have a private chat with Wikipedia: "No duh!" Okay, I'm back)). Now, this wasn't just because Eclipso was hell bent on tormenting Bruce Gordon. No, we have just learned that it was Eclipso's master plan to make sure that Earth never developed decent solar energy. So fucking Eclipso's a Republican? Why am I shocked? Is it because I'm stupid?

Hmm. I should turn comments off before people begin answering that question.

Now that Eclipso possessed Valor in the absolute perfect conditions for him to be able to possess somebody, he thinks he can now just go around possessing anybody. He practices on The Creeper which sounds a lot like practicing on any non-powered Earthling walking around New York. How is that a test of his power? The Creeper? What are his power levels? They might be high in laughing loudly and jumping around like The Human Pubic Louse but not much else. With that test successful, the obvious next person to possess is Superman. See? That's probably the dumbest conclusion Eclipso could have made. He is a Republican.

This issue begins, as you might have guessed being a Superman book, in Metropolis.

Really seems like they're having a go at Gotham here.

Another reason Eclipso shouldn't be going after Superman is because solar power is Eclipso's only weakness and Superman is full of yellow sun juice. He, and I mean this literally, literally cannot be possessed by Eclipso. It wouldn't make any sense! I will get so angry if Superman winds up Eclipsed.

"It's eeeeeviiiiiiil!"

You know what? I didn't understand the ending of Time Bandits. Does the kid just wander around as a houseless orphan after? Does he wind up back in the time burglary game? Does he go on to life with firefighter Sean Connery? And was that the same Sean Connery from earlier having done his own time travel? Was the villain, the ultimate evil, just a burnt meatloaf left in a microwave for too long? Was there supposed to be a sequel?

Am I in a rage now, you might be wondering? Well, yes and no. Superman's face does do the Eclipso thing when he picks up the Black Diamond. But he fights it off and tosses the diamond aside. Superman believes he's testing himself and that he's too good and honorable to have the capacity for vengeance. But I still think it's because he's full of yellow sun, the anti-Eclipso element.

Partway through the book, there's a scene that made the entire issue worth buying. I don't fucking know what's going on in the scene but I'll tell you, the art really moved me. Well parts of me. Okay, one part of me.

I just "eclipsed" my underwear.

I just had to recheck the cover to see if this book was approved by the Comics Code Authority. It was because the guys running the CCA were fucking horny bastards, I guess.

Phantom "Girl" is somebody totally different dude. Also, why do you want to shoot Phantom Lady so badly? Seems weird.

I don't know why Phantom Lady and Starman feature so heavily in this annual because I really didn't read Superman's books in 1992 and, even if I did, this took place in 1992. I mean, I think I know why Phantom Lady was there but that has more to do with Chris Wozniak being a huge pervert than the plot. I suppose Starman was here to get eclipsed since Eclipso needed to get a success in the first annual after The Darkness Within special or else readers would have been thinking, "This is the God of Vengeance? Pathetic!"

Fat Elvis also makes an appearance and he has heat vision for some reason?

The Ranking
I'm glad Eclipso never possessed Superman but I suppose I could have lived with it if he had. The basic reasoning being that Eclipso's powers are based in magic (which readers were reminded of time and time again in this issue, probably to curtail all the letters from super fans which begin "Actually, . . ."). Since Eclipso is the God of Vengeance that means that Gods in the DC Universe derive their powers from magic. I suppose anything that isn't based in science, facts, and reality is just "magic". Although I would have chosen to separate powers of gods from powers of women in fishnet stockings who speak backwards.

Eclipsed Heroes/Villains Count after 2 Issues: Two! (The Creeper and Starman).

Dave Sim could have breezed through 300 issues with just this crew. And yet he did so much more!

Cerebus #40
By Dave Sim

Page One: Sim just sets up the conceit of this issue: Cerebus on the campaign trail. A map displays the names of all the districts along with their electoral votes. A brief blurb from The History of the 1413 Election by Suentus Po, and the title of the issue, "Campaign", hints at the least funny issue of Cerebus on the horizon.

Page Two: Dave Sim, realizing that an idiot reviewer in 2026 was about to call his comic book boring, launches straight into the comedy. Six panels of Cerebus stumping in front of a crowd at the docks. But Sim, being a comedy genius, doesn't allow the reader to hear Cerebus's boring platform. Instead, we sit in the audience, fairly far from the stage, listening to some loudmouth New Docker running his mouth the entire time. He's pretty funny!

Page Three: Dave Sim introduces the reader to Cerebus's campaign trail entourage as they're doing an Aaron Sorkin walk and prep through the rain. Astoria acts as Cerebus's campaign manager. Bran Mak Mufin runs the data from the electorate. The Moon Roach serves as Astoria's personal bodyguard, mostly to keep him out of trouble, while he believes he's serving as her love interest. And the McGrew Brothers are security.

I love Dirty Fleagle and Dirty Drew so much!

Page Four: A bit of slapstick to remind the reader that this comic book isn't just for smart people who understand political maneuvering. Also by now, the reader should notice the pattern that every page is a short sketch because focusing on the actual specifics of a political campaign would put the reader to sleep. Too bad Dave Sim forgot that he didn't want to put the reader to sleep by the time he got to his penultimate story arc! Hoo boy! I'm yawning just thinking about it!

Page Five: The bodyguards eat.

Page Six: We get a glimpse of Astoria's negotiating tactics with one of the prominent members of The Docks. Her tactics might be illegal but who can say in the medieval world of Estarcion? Maybe it's totally fine to offer government contracts to the districts that vote for Cerebus and punish those who don't vote for him with higher import taxes?

Page Seven: We learn that Bran Mak Mufin has other plans for Cerebus. He still believes in the Earth Pig born as the coming Pigt conqueror of the world. He's advising Cerebus on a military campaign to take over the world. You know, once he becomes Prime Minister and has access to Iest's armies.

Page Eight: Cerebus, sharing a bed with Astoria, dreams of the coming Aardvarkian Empire. We also learn that the campaign trail next heads to Grace District where Good Abbey controls all 15 of the district's electoral votes.

Page Nine: Am I going to do this for every page? I mean, I'm already very nearly (only inches away, actually) to the middle of the issue (Sim's issues being 20 pages) so why not, right? "Don't quit!" might be something my father would have instilled in me if he hadn't quit being my father when I was two. Plus, this page was just a visual gag of The Roach replacing a broken wheel on the carriage by holding the axle and running along side. Does all the text from Suentus Po's history of the incident make the gag funny because it shows how history books get shit wrong because we often can't imagine the reality of the situation at the time and project our own mundane and normal thoughts on the event? I mean, probably. Dave Sim was basically a professional joke writer at this point so who am I to say different?

Page Ten: Speculation on Astoria's political and religious beliefs by Suentus Po the Secret Aardvark! Unless this is one of the other Suentus Pos? I know Sim had to retcon the whole identity of Suentus Po at some point to make him one of the three aardvarks of Estarcion because he'd played fast and loose with this drug-addled philosopher slash magician guy. Sim had to do that a lot with characters introduced willy-nilly (will-he, nil-he?) during the first 25 issues when the comic book was ostensibly just a parody of sword and sorcery comic books (while The Roach himself parodied DC and Marvel). Has Kevillism been broached yet? I'd remember if I hadn't stopped reading this series for a year or two or three or . . . or . . . five? Has it been five years?! Anyway, never mind how I'm shaking in disbelief, I'm pretty sure Po has mentioned it some in the "Mind Games" issues. Whether it has or not, Suentus Po speculates on Astoria's connection to the Cirinists here as the campaign tries to get their votes.

I think the context missing from Po's history is actually Astoria's personal connection to the Abbess of Good Abbey and less Astoria's political and religious affiliations.

Page Eleven: Page Ten wasn't funny at all! It stunk of Dave Sim getting too serious. Page Eleven stinks of Dave Sim getting too misogynistic. But I only say that in hindsight, of course. This first page of Cerebus meeting a leading Cirinist sets the tone for a story four "chapters" or so away. The Abbess or "Great Mother" is a caricature of a woman using her power to humiliate men in a reversal of a medieval patriarchy (okay, fine: a modern one too). Also she's very masculine. Remember, Dave Sim learned that he had no interest in women if he didn't want to fuck them. The Abbess is probably how he sees any woman he doesn't find attractive: grating, overbearing, and needing to humiliate.

But ignoring hindsight for a moment and just taking this moment as it comes in context of what's come before: it's pretty funny! And it's a pretty good skewering of absolute power corrupting. The Cirinists may be a technically matriarchal society that worships the mother and her place in society but they're really just a mirror image of the patriarchy. It's just a reversal of the concerns of the people in power.

Page Twelve: Did we know Lord Julius was running a goat as his candidate for Prime Minister before this page? Or do we read it here first and think, "The Abbess must mean 'goat' as a pejorative for his puppet candidate." Unless you've been paying attention and realize running an actual goat against an aardvark is exactly the kind of thing that Lord Julius would do simply to amuse himself. And since everybody just sort of figures Astoria and Cerebus are fucking, they're all going to jump to the same conclusion with Julius and his goat.

The Abbess informs Cerebus that he will have the district's fifteen votes if he dismisses Astoria (with the full knowledge that Cerebus's military advisor, whom she doesn't seem to mind, is Bran Mak Mufin (spelled "Bran Macmufin" on this page while "Bran Mak Mufin" on the page where Cerebus is dreaming. I suppose the dream spelling's probably wrong but if Sim can't even standardize it, I should probably stop beating myself up over how it's spelled every time I want to type it)). Cerebus later tells Astoria what the Abbess says which is why in Suentus Po's history of the time, he notes Astoria wrote in her journal, "The Abbess is unable to aid us." And since Cerebus has abdicated his own agency some time ago, he fails to move toward a future where he rules Estarcion. Could he have still been elected Prime Minister if he dumped Astoria at this point and simply moved on with just Bran? According to Pigt prophecy, probably? Except Cerebus has no ambition so without Astoria, he'd probably lose interest and just disappear into a tavern for a few months with his campaign funds to back him.

Page Thirteen: Dirty Fleagle screams his head off about somebody eating his last dried apricot.

Page Fourteen: Dave forgot to put a joke on this page.

Pages Fifteen to Seventeen: Hmm. I think what happened is that Dave Sim abandoned the one joke per page thing he was doing and forgot to inform me. I guess Astoria manages to secure some more votes in Harbourside for various reasons. But mostly for one main reason.

What's so awful about a goat Prime Minister? I wish we had a goat for president right now.

You know the best thing about a goat? You can sacrifice it! Yes, you're allowed to follow that chain of logic all the way through. I don't mind.

The issue ends with Cerebus gloating about how he's going to be the most loved Prime Minister ever which is when an urchin in the poverty-stricken Lower Iest pelts him with some mud. Man, I'm so envious of that urchin! What I wouldn't give to throw a shit milkshake at Donald Trump!

Sim's letter pages are getting fuller! But his replies aren't worth discussing. Yet! In time, youngster. In time.

Ranking
Some good jokes and more lore. We've got Bran coming in hot with his Pigt prophecies. Cirinists taking an interest in Cerebus while also discovering that he loves his mother more than his father. And, um, Dirty Fleagle likes dried apricots? Yeah, that'll do.

Final Thoughts

Yeesh. I really need to tone down how much I discuss these comics in the Newsletter. These are practically all normal review entries! The whole purposed of the Newsletter is to read a comic book, write about six lines in The Ranking section that have absolutely nothing to do with the book and then move on! I guess I'm out of practice at not doing reviews in my comic book reviews. I thought it would be way easier reading Eclipso annuals! I blame having to scan those pictures of Phantom Lady to share with everybody. I might not have known what great art was before today but Chris Wozniak cleared that right up for me. Wowzers! What a set of arts on that lady!

That's all for now! Later, jerkos!

Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #61 (Third Thursday of January 2026)

E!TACT #61
Batman: Shadow of the Bat #13, Invasion: Book One, Eclipso: The Darkness Within #1, Cerebus #39, and Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews!!
By Grunion Guy

Comic Book Reviews!


Why's that balding guy wearing Batman's outfit under his suit?

Batman: Shadow of the Bat #13 (June 1992)
By Alan Grant, Norm Breyfogle, and Adrienne Roy

I don't know how people do it. How they begin a new life in middle age or later, I mean. Not that I'm considering that! It's just this story about a drunk who lost everything and wound up living on the street who accidentally learns Batman's secret identity got me thinking about it. The man in the story lost his family and business and turned to alcohol before becoming homeless and while that's one hardship I can hardly imagine, the thought that's actually burning uncontrolled through my brain right now is how somebody young losing their twenties and maybe even their thirties to drugs and alcohol and a transient life ever feels that life can actually be anything more. I'd constantly feel sad and hopeless about the life I had lost and the futureless life ahead of me. Maybe I'm looking at it through the eyes of a bit-too-old-for-change man. I once found myself convinced that I was a lost soul living on the street who had made up my actual life as a delusion to feel better about my actual circumstances. But that's because I was on a fuck-ton of psychedelic mushrooms and waiting in a strip club parking lot for my friends to emerge. I think I'd be bitter and angry constantly. I can't imagine I'd ever find a way to improve my life, partially because I'd think, "Why bother? I've already lost so much time."

I wonder if what I just described is how angry incels feel about all the years they've wasted online, missing out on actual experiences? I mean, they're bitter and angry, right? Do they also feel hopeless? Is that why they become so nihilistic? I wish they could find joy in something. But where do you start when you think the world has turned its back on you?

Now all the Wayne Industries security guards think Bruce Wayne was at a gay club all night.

Pretty sure Bruce Wayne wasn't supposed to be the one yelling "A trick!" in that panel above. Also his arm makes it look like he just chugged some Gingold.

Anyway, that houseless dude saw Batman's face when his mask was torn off in a fight with Johnny Zero (just some guy named Johnny with a shirt with a 0 on it). He recognized him immediately and thought, "Hey! This will help me turn my life around! I'll sell Bruce's information to the underworld!" And he tries but he's just a nobody with a secret and as everybody knows, especially terrible, awful people, the cops aren't going to investigate when a nobody turns up dead. When Mr. Nobody (not the Doom Patrol villain for whom I'm still deciding whether or not to sue Grant Morrison for identity rights) tries to sell Batman's secret to some guy named Doc Creasey, he winds up stabbed in the back for his trouble. Doc Creasey decides that the next night he's going to hold a 1992 Zoom Meeting to auction off Batman's secret identity. But Mr. Nobody doesn't die in the alley he was tossed; he wakes up just long enough to see Batman swinging through the morning sky and thinks, "I may have fucked up my entire life but that guy's got purpose. I should probably tell him what I did so he can get Doctor Fate to erase the mind of Doc Creasey." So he drags himself to Wayne Industries (or Enterprises? I don't know!) and confesses.

"I do it for the massive erection I get from breaking bones and punishing criminals!"

Mister Nobody makes sure to die because DC can't have extraneous people running around knowing Batman's secret identity. Luckily, Doc Creasey also dies later because, you know, of what I just wrote. Batman doesn't have to kill him; he just has to interrupt the auction (which actually becomes a kidnapping when The Joker decides he also doesn't want to pay for the secret) where somebody else does the killing for him. Standing amid the corpses of all the people who almost blew his secret identity, Batman thinks, "Another successful job by The Batman!"

The Ranking
I like how this issue told the story of how Batman lies to himself about the reasons why he fights crime when he could live the rest of his life on a yacht surrounded by hot women in bikinis. "Oh, I do it for the nobodies, man! Totally! Not because of my crippling PTSD, childhood trauma, and severe OCD at all! I'm like, um, Superman! Yeah! I do it for truth and justice! Go me!" Okay, Batman. If you want to believe it, I guess I'll pretend to believe it too.

Invasion! Book One: The Alien Alliance (October 1988)
By Keith Giffen, Bill Mantlo, Todd McFarlane, P. Craig Russell, Al Gordon, and Joe Rubenstein

When I first purchased this comic in 1988, I probably gasped at the "80 pages! No ads!" bit. But now that I'm thinking about writing about it, that just sounds exhausting. Good thing I've decided to resurrect my Newsletter format where I barely discuss the comic book, if at all! This'll be a breeze! Let me just type out "The Dominators invade Earth and kill a lot of people." Is that good enough?

No, it's not! Because to my surprise, this is the first comic book in my collection that has Todd McFarlane as the penciller! Holy shit! I didn't think I owned any comic books by him! Did they hire him to draw the Dominators because he was adept at fitting too many teeth in people's mouths? I don't know if Todd was known for that; I'm projecting my knowledge of Rob Liefeld onto Todd. Sorry, Todd! I know you actually grew as an artist over time!

Like, you probably eventually learned how to draw feet, right? Right?!

This comic book written in 1988 begins more woke than any other modern comic book (and I don't mean woke in, like, punching Nazis or Superman being a compassionate role model or whatever weird fucking shit those right wing idiots think woke means): the Dominators themselves declare that Earth is scary frightening because the Earth people's diversity makes them strong. Also probably their meta-genes. Maybe mostly their meta-genes. But they sure do go on and on about how they and the Khunds and the Durlans are basically the monocultures of alien life (I mean each species is a monoculture unto itself and not that all three are mix and match species). So right away, we see a group who thinks of themselves as the superior race in the universe, a group that are all exactly the same and love it that way, show intense fear and hatred for diversity. And also meta-genes!

Let me be clear: it's not the good guys obsessed with the purification of race in this book.

The titular "Alien Alliance" forms with nine different races. Todd McFarlane may have done the pencils with P. Craig Russell doing the inks on this chapter but take a look at this page and tell me if it screams "Keith Giffen" to you? Yes, he did the plot and breakdowns.

Could this page have been part of the breakdowns that Todd basically just redrew? Or traced?!

On closer examination of all the races, I notice the Psions seem to be different than I remember them. Aren't they usually more lizard-like? Is that another race I'm thinking of?! Maybe I'm just remembering all that shit David Icke revealed about the royals.

The first chapter ends with the alliance of nine races formed. The second chapter tells the story of the prisoners. The Dominators want to destroy Earthlings because they fear their potential, especially if they ever begin working together. But the thing that makes them special, the meta-gene, means the Psions want to take as many of them prisoner as possible. To vivisect them and discover their power. Along with whatever humans they can capture (like Adam Strange), they're also imprisoning any other aliens who try to fight back. This includes Brainiac of L.E.G.I.O.N. and all of the Omega Men who weren't killed while being captured. Adam Strange has been imprisoned with the normies but he wants to break out and find the place where they're keeping those with powers in the hopes to recruit them for a revolution against their keepers. This all takes place as the Dominion and their allies move the fleet within range of Earth's system to begin their assault.

Yeah, okay. This isn't Keith Giffen's work. Sure, sure. Todd did this. *WINK*

The invasion begins in Australia because the only super heroes there are gay and there's only like, what, two of them? I meant "gay" literally there and not in "lame". I am not an immature dweeb from the '80s. I mean, I was. But I'm not now! They easily defeat Australia to set up their base of operations. I think I remember the aftermath of some of this in Justice League International.

Chapter Four is both penciled and inked by Todd McFarland and, well, yeah it is.

Yep. Checks out!

Sixty-seven pages in and there hasn't been an appearance by a single super hero. Unless you count The Omega Men which, of course, you don't. Also Adam Strange but, I mean, you know what I mean.

A few pages are devoted to The Spectre being told by the Lords of Order not to interfere or else the Lords of Chaos might join up with the aliens. I thought The Spectre works for God not the Lords of Order? Not that it matters since the Lords of Order are basically concerned that if any magic wielding being participates in the defense of Earth, the Lords of Chaos may see it as interference and give them a right to interfere too. But if the Lords of Order have the option to interfere, why don't the Lords of Chaos interfere? What do they care about maintaining balance? They're chaos, man?! The Spectre seems to think he has to obey orders from the Lords of Order (oh? Is that why they're called that? They can order people around?!) so he rushes off to make sure none of the magic heroes take part in this battle. Boring!

Page 73 gives us the first appearance of an actual hero (The Spectre is not a hero. He's God's Vengeance or some nutty shit): Tasmanian Devil. See? Gay! The rest of Earth's heroes are told to stand down until they hear the Dominator's demands. When they come, they're told to stand up because Earth isn't giving in to the demands which are to give up the heroes. So politicians decided to fight instead of backing down and allowing fascists to take over? That's the most unbelievable part of this story so far!

The Ranking!
Was this 80 pages of prologue? I think this was 80 pages of prologue! The most exciting part of the story was when The Omega Men were battling the alien alliance and you know how exciting I found that? I'll let you know by telling you this: there's a fucking reason I don't own Lobo's first appearance. Because The Omega Men comic book looked like it sucked assholes! I don't know if it did but I saw it on the shelves month after month and I thought, "That looks stupid." Yeah, I know I'm the stupid one now because my favorite character of all time, Lobo (maybe tied with Ambush Bug), wound up appearing there first and I could have owned that shit off the shelf! Although luckily, for no reason at all, I was collecting DC Comics Presents back then so I do have Ambush Bug's first appearance! Yay for young me actually doing one thing fucking right!

I didn't realize that was an actual plastic diamond on the cover until I re-scanned it because the first scan was out of focus. Because of that fat old diamond.

Eclipso: The Darkness Within #1 (July 1992)
By Keith Giffen, Robert Loren Fleming, Bart Sears, Randy Elliott, and Mark Pennington

Hey! My Eclipso: The Darkness Within comics! Now I can box them with the Eclipso comic run (which was a huge mistake because they just couldn't get the tone right. Man, the concept fell apart so fast!)! It's kind of insane that my boxes of comic books have absolutely no organization to them. I think they're mostly by when I bought them and shoved them in the box. These probably haven't seen the light of day for thirty years!

Let's get this out of the way immediately and also this might not be a long review so I want to make sure I say this: I could not stand Bart Sears' art at this time. Everybody looks like they're roided out and constipated (just look at the cover!). In 1992, I had yet to cultivate my comic book tastes so I just purchased comics featuring whatever comic book character I liked and/or whatever huge Summer Event DC was trying to sell me. Eventually, I began to buy comics based on the writers and, less often, the artists. I'm not sure I ever refrained from buying a comic because I didn't like the artist but I definitely didn't buy comic books because I couldn't stand the writer. But that was a short period of years between "buy anything with characters I'm interested in" and "buy every single book DC publishes". The period between those two moments were the only time that I read a majority of Marvel books. Because all of the writers I loved had gone to Marvel!

The story begins in 1890 when Bruce Gordon (at least I'm assuming it's Bruce Gordon? Does he gain immortality when infected with the black diamond?), apparently travelling on the same boat as Joseph Conrad traveled on that served as inspiration for Heart of Darkness, braves the jungles of Africa to find the legendary Black Diamond (which is called "The Heart of Darkness"). He finds it, kills his partner, has the gem cut up into 1000 tinier gems, and, well, that's the prologue! 100 years later, we learn about Eclipso's secret base on the Dark Side of the Moon which we know means that the sun never shines on it. Because if the sun did somehow shine on the Dark Side of the Moon, which it totally doesn't, not ever, Eclipso would be destroyed. Luckily, at least in the DC Universe, the sun never shines on the Dark Side of the Moon. Somehow.

Oh, that's how. It's just a deep crater with anti-sunlight technology.

Valor is the first person to discover Eclipso's evil lair on the Evil Side of the Moon in Evil Crater. Probably because DC really wanted to make Valor happen. Did it work? I don't fucking remember. I know I bought in, at least for a little while. I own the first issue of his series if not a few more after.

Valor's easily possessed within Eclipso's palace which gives Eclipso an idea: invite all the other heroes to his house for a possession party! Or maybe just use Valor to go out and possess more heroes. Eclipso makes sure to mention how Valor's obviously more powerful than even Superman so the fans would be all, "Oh? I should check out this Valor guy! Is he starring in his own book yet?!" The answer to that question was "No! But wait until September! Hoo boy, it'll be the biggest event since the Death of Superman! I mean it'll be the biggest event until the Death of Superman!"

Bruce Gordon appears next and he's obviously not the guy from 100 years before because even though he has exactly the same roided out and constipated body type, his hair color is different. Bruce studies the black diamond to try and figure out how it's attached to making him turn into Eclipso when he stubs his toe or gets cut off in traffic. But he just can't figure it out. Until it begins to react like a sperm attracted to a hot, sexy egg. It swims to the edge of the petri dish so Bruce concludes that it's trying to get somewhere. Bruce takes it along like a little sperm bloodhound and they head out to find a sexy ovum.

Oh yeah! Baby making time!

Actually it's murder time. But you probably guessed that because the picture that should have been a sexy naked lady was an angry Eclipso-faced and fully dressed woman with a knife. My erection nearly flagged when I saw that. But then it just got harder for some reason? Hmm, I'll just note that down to discuss with my therapist.

Bruce finds a second Black Diamond on the woman possessed by Eclipso after he defeats her by shining a flashlight at her. How was this a huge summer event if Eclipso can be defeated by pointing a three dollar light at him? Oh, wait. I remember. Gordon's little gizmo actually produces "sunlight" or something. That's why there was an earlier scene to show that his flashlight's bulb was burnt out so he had to take his special Anti-Eclipso light gun.

But now that Bruce has found two Black Diamonds, he realizes Eclipso has been planning something way bigger than just fucking with him by turning him into a murderer whenever he's slightly irritated. Little does Bruce know, there are 998 more Black Diamonds out there waiting to make people murder each other! I'm sure glad DC didn't have 998 monthly titles or they definitely would have tried to make everybody buy 998 stupid Annuals in the summer of 1992.

If only The Phantom Stranger hadn't been too busy polishing his thirty pieces of silver, he could have stopped this whole event and saved me so much money!

Eclipso takes over The Creeper next as a test case. Unless Eclipso just wants to gather up the most irritating heroes he can find. Maybe one of each? He's got boring and irritating. So next he's going after most powerful with Superman. But thanks to Bruce Gordon, leading expert in solar sciences, Eclipso's defeated before he can trick Superman into picking up the Black Diamond and getting angry. Although does Superman get angry? I guess it depends on who's writing him at the time.

The Ranking
The reason Eclipso has been tormenting Bruce Gordon all these years and not living up to his full potential is that Eclipso wanted to delay the advancement of solar sciences and solar energy and LaserTag equipment that mimics the sun's rays. The sun's light, being the only thing that can hurt or defeat Eclipso, had to be kept where it couldn't hurt him: 93 million miles away. Which actually makes you wonder: what good would an Eclipsoed Superman be? Superman's full of yellow sun energy so can he even be turned? Or can he only be turned when he has none left and then what? He's as useless as Jimmy Olsen! I don't think Eclipso thought through going after Superman first. I don't remember if Superman ever does get possessed but it probably doesn't happen in the next chapter of this story: Superman: The Man of Steel Annual #1. That's because Superman probably had like four different annuals in the summer of 1992 and it wouldn't be great if he were possessed right from the start. I was going to say I'll never find out because why would I have the Superman: Man of Steel Annual #1 but you know what? Seems like I really went for this event in 1992! Looks like I've got most, if not all, of the annuals! Oh boy¡ I used the upside-down exclamation point to indicate that I'm actually the opposite of excited.

Dave Sim was making fun of Image artists a decade before Image existed! Except Sim can draw a mean fucking foot.

Cerebus #39 (June 1982)
By Dave Sim

When I last read Cerebus, the story was in the middle of Petuniacon, a Comic-con-like convention to highlight the candidates for Prime Minister. The candidates running are Cerebus, Lord Julius, Elrod, and K'cor. Cerebus wants to be Prime Minister because Astoria wants him to be Prime Minister. At some point, his ambitions were hijacked by Astoria and I'm not sure when (if ever) he really regains control of his life. Once he's put on this course, he's too lazy or stubborn to change direction. It's possible he tries during Jaka's Story but once his life as a houseguest falls apart thanks to the Cirinists, he once again loses his free will as he feels compelled to destroy Cirin. He probably has a few more chances to do his own thing and go his own way but he's way too easily manipulated by other people, either directly or simply by their influence. Last issue he almost broke free from Astoria's grip when he attempted to murder Elrod but she stopped him because killing Elrod wouldn't be politically expedient. Although it would have been satisfying.

I think they would have been saying, "I say, I say, son, that white-skinned boy sure is leaking a lot of red stuff. Blood, that is."

Mr. Blakely drops by and patronizingly ushers Astoria out of the room. Not many people can tell Astoria what to do but Blakely makes sure she realizes that he could easily run for Prime Minister himself and then where would she be? Without a dank little aardvark to manipulate? Blakely, of course, thinks that he's manipulating events for the benefit of the Church of Tarim. He needs to find the right candidate to rally behind to either turn everything around (as the city is falling apart and the Church has self-exiled for the time being, seeing abhorrent prophecies everywhere) or become a patsy. Everybody Cerebus meets tends to think Cerebus is a patsy so, um, Blakely's probably headed in that direction. The only problem is that Cerebus is some kind of magickal, talismanic figure which fate and prophecy can't seem to touch.

Before they even begin to discuss whatever business Blakely wants to broach, Lord Julius walks through in a towel to borrow the bath. Cerebus takes it in stride. Blakely near pisses himself. Lord Julius does the thing where he confuses the fuck out of everybody around him, calls for a taxi in the middle of the Ambassador Suite, and then disappears. The taxi driver arrives moments later through the front door while The McGrew Brothers come in through the back. It's pure chaos because, again, Cerebus is some kind of magickal, talismanic figure which not only can fate and prophecy not seem to touch but which also sews chaos in his wake. Oh, and the taxi driver turns out to be The Moon Roach.

Kevitch is basically Khonshu.

We learned previously that Dirty Drew seems to be so super attractive that even Astoria tried to fuck him. That's why the voice in Moon Roach's head notices how hot he is.

After Elrod barges in to brag about replacing Cerebus as the Ranking Diplomatic Representative of Palnu (and Cerebus beats the shit out of him, proving he's a more capable warrior than Elrod) and The Regency Elf admits she wrote the graffiti about Cerebus peeing in the sink, Blakely's seen enough. He winds up agreeing to write a letter of recommendation for Cerebus as Prime Minister even though, after every person barged in, he thought he could use that as an excuse to not recommend Cerebus. But Cerebus reacted correctly each time, barely fazed by any of it.

The Ranking!
We're still early days in Cerebus's 300 issue run when it's still fun and chaotic and carefree. Sim's a master at these early days of his storytelling where most of the characters are mostly one note (and often caricatures of other characters or famous people). This allows him to play up how Cerebus is the only character with any real free will and, I imagine, it's what helped him move the story along. In any situation, Sim knows exactly how Lord Julius will act or Astoria or Elrod or The Roach. They're barely two-dimensional. They're punchlines with straight narratives. But it's how Cerebus reacts to each of them in every scene that builds Sim's story and keeps Sim guessing as to how he's going to continue. Sure, he's definitely plotted a lot of this out. He's a master notetaker who pretty much knows the beats of the story. But that's all built around how Cerebus will surprise him in any give situation as he comes up with every new plot point. Or how Judaism and Islam and Christianity would absolutely surprise Sim when his plans for the end of the series went from a parody reading of The Bible by a selfish, ignorant barbarian aardvark to Sim's own interpretation of Genesis (by way of misogyny and conservative beliefs). "Surprise!" said the religions of the Book, "You're penultimate story won't be funny anymore! It'll be a long, boring trudge of a read as you explain that there were two Gods in The Bible, one good male one and one evil female one! What a genius to be the only person in all of history to understand how the pronoun used for God was actually two different pronouns discussing two different gendered Gods! Not crazy at all!"

It's possible I've forgotten a lot of that penultimate run of Cerebus and I'm miscategorizing some of it. If that's so, I apologize to Dave. We'll see for sure whenever I get that far into the series again! But before then, lots and lots of great plots, genius characters, and loads of laughs! Especially when Oscar Wilde lays dying for ten issues! Ha ha ha! So good!

Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews!

Electric Salsa (Baba baba) by Off (1986)
After some initial "Baba baba"s and a single line, this song begins with a simple Casio beat while a guy clears his throat, blows a load, and then takes a shit. Don't worry if that was your favorite part because he'll do it again later after the Casio horns and some rather tepid verses. I find it hard to criticize the lyrics as they're in English and singer slash DJ was German (Sven Väth). You can't (or at least, I can't!) shit all over a guy because the lyrics he wrote in a non-native language are simple and trite! I mean, I'm pretty sure English was Rebecca Black's native language and I never got on her case about the trite lyrics in "Friday"! I just listen to it and dance and sing along! Also this was released in 1986 which was practically the stone age for electronic dance music. So you probably have to forgive the simple Casio sounds and one note beats, right? Although Seth could have been a little more honest about his dance groove and named it "Electric Ketchup" instead of "Electric Salsa" because there ain't a bit of heat in this tune. At one point, he refers to himself as the Master of Salsa and I would have laughed out loud if I wasn't dancing so hard. Doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie bah bah!
Grade: B-.

Moron's Moron by Scratch Acid (1986)
A bassy intro leads into a song which sounds like it could have been the B-side off a single of "Black Dog Runs at Night" by Angelo Badalementi, David Lynch and the Thought Gang. For a band labeled as "noise rock", I was surprised to find less noise and more music. Sure, there's screaming and an intense bassy build up. But you don't say you play "noise rock" and then make me listen to actual music. What the fuck, man? If this is "noise rock" then isn't all music "noise rock"? Maybe I just don't understand the definition of the genre. Should I look it up? It could just mean "music in which you can't understand any of the lyrics except the word 'fucking'". Oh, check out this line from the definition of "noise rock" on the Wikipedia page: "The term 'noise rock' is a portmanteau of 'noise' and 'rock' music." Wow! I never would have fucking imagined! I'm so glad that's cleared up. Ultimately, I don't give a shit about pretentious portmanteaus masquerading as ever more specific names to describe a piece of music. What did Douglas Coupland call it in Generation X? "Musical Hairsplitting."
     Overall, for a band named Scratch Acid playing a genre specifying that it's at least half composed of "noise", this was pretty fucking good. If I could open a worm hole, I'd take a cassette of Scratch Acid and hurl it back to 1986 to hit dopey fourteen year old me in the face so maybe I'd discover at least some interesting music.
Grade: B+.

Cerebus #38 (1982)

This is the High Society movie poster.

If this cover were actually a movie poster, it would need Astoria standing backwards next to Cerebus, her taut ass in full frame as she twists around to look at the camera so that you could also get a glimpse of her tits.

It's time for Petuniacon Day Two! And what better way to start the second day then having Astoria scream at Cerebus to wake up and get dressed. As if she were his mother. Which, seen that way, will really make me uncomfortable in a future issue of Church & State. I don't mean to suggest the scene where Cerebus rapes Astoria didn't make me uncomfortable before. But now I'm going to have to work out a whole bunch of other issues pinging around inside my brain when I get to that point.

On the way to wherever Astoria is leading him, he runs into the two characters whom I've never seen referred to by any kind of nickname. The Frat Friends? The Posh Pals? The Crypto Bros? Cerebus discovers they've both been beaten silly by Elrod in a display of swordsmanship. One claims to have been the top swordsman in his class in a suggestion that Elrod knows his way around a big rusty sword. Cerebus could probably prove that Cerebus is even better but Astoria might scold him to death.

Pretty sure drawing this frog's egg carpet over and over again is what finally forced Dave to hire Gerhard.

Cerebus is late for a Petuniacon panel called, "Us and Them: Eradicating Them." That's one of the favorite panels at CPAC each year. On the panel with him are Lord Julius from Palnu, Elrod from Melvinbone, and K'cor from Imesh. Pretty sure K'cor already eradicated "them" so he'll probably have some pertinent wisdom to lay down. All of the representatives in attendance seem to be in favor of Elrod, along with Lord Julius (of course) and King K'cor.

Cerebus, arriving late to the panel, only manages to sit in on the question and answer section. A scribe for the current Pope records the final question to the panel.

Elrod probably should have chosen an answer that Cerebus can't prove untrue simply by beating him half to death with the sword Jaka brought back.

Later when Cerebus is back at his table drawing sketches of rocks and potato salad for the representatives, he discovers they've all suddenly begun speaking like Elrod. Foghorn Leghorn, that is.

Cerebus was Jim from The Office while Jim was still in diapers.

Cerebus's next panel is called, "Graft—Boon or Blessing?" It's the exact same people who were on the first panel. I don't think there are any other "celebrities" to see at this Petuniacon. It's practically like Comicon in the years before the first X-men film!

Oh man. I'd forgotten this line by K'cor. So good!

I'd forgotten how often I'd use K'cor's hitting the squeaky wheel with a hammer line. I'm pretty sure it was overwritten in my brain by the later line of Elrod's in the "trapped in a closet" issue: "Squeak, I say, squeak!"

The transcripts for this panel are by a scribe taking notes for both Cirin and Astoria. You know. The Mothers and the Daughters.

Cerebus finally gets sick and tired of Astoria's "be calm and collected" political attitude. He's had it up to his pointy bunny ears with Elrod and his "I'm the greatest sword fighter in the world" attitude. He decides, once and for all, to make Elrod prove it in front of all of Elrod's new hangers-on and supporters.

Cerebus could have learned that he's better off doing things his own way at this moment. But he doesn't learn that yet. If ever.

Elrod breathes a sigh of relief when Astoria interrupts his murder and calls Cerebus to heel. She does this by telling him all the perks he'll get as Prime Minister, a position he's got a real chance of winning if he avoids murdering Elrod. Cerebus eventually relents although he still needs to murder somebody so he heads down to the Ram's Lord's Tavern to slaughter some poor people and drunks. See? He's already taking his future position of Prime Minister seriously!

A bunch of letters this month from people who couldn't get enough of soppy Cerebus weeping over a girl. What a bunch of losers!

Cerebus #38 Rating: A. This issue has some really solid jokes and Dave's artistic portrayal of Cerebus somehow keeps getting better and better. I keep thinking Dave's perfected his style and Dave keeps improving. Although Astoria never appears in a bikini which is why I couldn't give this issue an A+.

Cerebus #37 (1982)

Oh shit. This is the issue where Elrod draws little bunnies, isn't it?!

Not for the first or last time, Dave Sim turns Cerebus into a satirical memoir this issue. It's time for Petuniacon, Iest's political equivalent of Comic-Con. At least how I remember it. Here I go again! Trying to comment on the story by relying on my terrible memory of the previous several times I've read it! I suppose I could have started this review by reviewing Deni's "A Note from the Publisher" but I've grown bored of bashing her editorial for no reason. I'm sure she was doing the best she could with the little time afforded her after all the Cerebus publishing work she had to do. For regular readers, I should probably make clear that that wasn't sarcastic. I'm sure Deni did at least as much as Dave did to make Cerebus an independent comic book sensation. And knowing enough artists myself, I have to believe she did a hell of a lot more than Dave on the business side. Deni was almost certainly the Richard Pini of early Cerebus except without ever getting much of the credit. At least historically. Maybe at the time, it was well known.

I don't know what Astoria is mad about this time.

There are two ways to think about Astoria being mad all of the time and which one you believe it is probably says something about you as a person. You either think she's a bitter nag trying to manipulate and control Cerebus. Or you think she's a frustrated woman in a world where women can't gain any real power so they have to play puppeteer to some aggravating man. And also she's dealing with fucking Cerebus. That jerk's a handful.

Either way though, why's she always so fucking mad?! Oh wait, sorry. I didn't mean to expose myself as the first type of jerk!

Hmm. Maybe both ways of thinking about Astoria are correct. She's a complicated woman! While Cerebus is pretty simple. Astoria nails his entire character here and he can't argue with it. Especially after how he just treated Jaka.

The next morning, Astoria and Cerebus arrive at Petuniacon where everybody is in a tizzy to meet Elrod (and maybe get one of his bunny sketches). Nobody wants to see Cerebus. Probably because they heard how often Cerebus beats the shit out of people who look at him funny or refuse to look at him funny or try to both not look at him funny and look at him funny at the same time so as not to get the shit beaten out of them. Discovering that nobody seems to know where Cerebus is doing his sketches, Astoria storms off to verbally berate the shit out of some of the hotel staff. Is this how Deni and Dave acted at conventions?! Probably. I'm a dim-witted reader so I can't separate the author from the main character and the author's wife from the unbearable shrew.

I don't know why I just called Astoria an unbearable shrew. She's one of my favorite characters! That must have been the character me I was writing saying that and not the actual me.

Bran Mak Mufin stops by to pretend he's a strong advisor who won't kill himself at the slightest hint of the Earth-Pig Born losing all of his power. He plants the seed of running for Prime Minister in Cerebus's fertile power hungry synapse. It's Cerebus's third largest part of his brain after the part that wants to drink alcohol and the part that wants to kill Elrod. Astoria enters the room and Cerebus kicks out Bran because Cerebus is afraid of being scolded by Astoria for having a weird friend.

I'm a little bit disappointed in Astoria for not realizing this before the aardvark-obsessed rube named after a fast food breakfast sandwich.

Astoria was probably too blinded by her need to destroy her ex-husband Lord Julius in political battle to realize Cerebus should have higher aspirations than Ranking Diplomatic Representative of Palnu. But now that her hot little tush is focused on a higher goal . . . I mean her smart and elegant and savvy tush, she's going to make Cerebus a God. Sort of. Eventually.

Cerebus makes a joke about potato salad and then makes a joke about signing his autograph and suddenly he's the hit of Petuniacon! Everybody wants a Cerebus signature. But that's because Elrod hasn't begun sketching his cute little bunnies yet. Bunnies are way better than trees.

Oh whoops! I guess I wasn't supposed to know Astoria had been married to Lord Julius until just now!

Lord Julius hired the artist who painted pornographic pictures of apocalypse beasts fucking to sell sketches with subliminal "Vote for Elrod" messages in them. But it turns out nobody wants to pay for his non-pornographic propaganda when they can get an Elrod bunny for free. Somehow it's Cerebus's fault for sketching that stupid tree when his quill broke.

And that's how it ends. We don't even get to see an appearance by Elrod. I guess it doesn't matter if Cerebus put on a better performance than Elrod with all the political representatives because Astoria is steering their campaign in a new direction.

Cerebus #37 Rating: B. The original Cerebus #37 came with a bunny Elrod rub-on tattoo. Or it should have. Anyway, this was a terrible review/commentary/memoir. Please disregard it. I'm still posting it though or else anybody interested will wonder, "What happened to the review of Cerebus #37?!" And while the obvious answer is "I'm an idiot and a terrible writer is what happened," I'd rather pretend that nobody has come to that conclusion on their own and needed it explained to them.

Cerebus #36 (1982)

The most romantic scene ever filmed through a glory hole.

At the time this issue hit the shelves, readers didn't know a lot about Cerebus's sex life (which, judging by some of his Most Holy choices, was probably a good thing for most of them). We knew that one time he fell in love with a stripper but only while he was drunk on Apricot Brandy. Did they fuck? I don't know! I was too busy thinking about his penis to remember what actually happened. But whatever it was, it was memorable enough for Jaka (probably the penis). Because she's now returned to see what he's up to and admit that she was just pretending to be a Borelean whore to get back at her uncle (maybe she doesn't admit that here (or even know that's what she was doing!)). She uses the pretense of returning some of Cerebus's belongings that he left with her.

Wait. I'm getting ahead of myself because I haven't re-read it yet! Let's do that now, shall we? You are reading along, aren't you?! Did I forget to mention this was one of those read along things? You did get the cassette tape of me reading all the lines in various voices, didn't you?!

Astoria has been causing Cerebus some serious stress lately when all he wants to do is make money and drink alcohol. And right when everything is coming to a head and he's about to face off against Lord Julius in their struggle to maintain influence with the leaders of Iest, Jaka shows up. It's like she knows the exact time to create peak drama! Maybe she's got all of Lord Julius's sensibilities but pulls off her disruptive social tricks via drama instead of whimsy.

I know this is basically the same shot as the cover but I just wanted to write, "Run, Jaka! Run! Get out of this narcissist's life before he uses you as an example of how women manipulate men and ruin their lives when Cerebus actually just proves the opposite! Don't be Dave Sim's pawn! I mean Cerebus's pawn!"

Jaka tells Cerebus he looks wonderful because she's smitten by him and thinks he's a handsome and charming devil. But Cerebus thinks Jaka is complimenting his expensive clothes. Because he sees Jaka as a stereotype rather than an individual. And, like all the other greedy people he's met so far in Iest, he simply believes she's after his money now. And he's prepared to treat her badly because of his assumptions.

Instead of asking about Jaka and her life or why she's here, Cerebus simply tells her what she's going to do because it's what Cerebus wants. He tells her she's going to move in with him. And Astoria.

In the sketch notes, Dave Sim says this issue only has one joke and it's not this part that made me laugh a lot. Am I a sociopath?

Cerebus first makes Jaka sad when he suggests she come live with him and Astoria, implying (rather than inferring which we'll get to!) that she'll be little more than a maid. Cerebus hurts her feelings a second time when he implies dancers are whores. Cerebus hurts Jaka's feelings a third time when he smarmily calls her out on using "inferred" when she meant "implied." Cerebus hurts her feelings a fourth time when he calls her broke. What Dave Sim is showing us is either Cerebus is a huge dick or women are too emotional. I mean, I know which one I inferred but it's hard to not think he was implying the other, after all his back-of-the-comics essays about relationships which will appear much later.

Jaka has recently spent all of her money purchasing, from a salvage merchant, Cerebus's sword which he lost robbing The Cockroach. Cerebus doesn't learn that until she leaves because he's being such a jerk, leaving the package for him to open.

I know what swords often represent so that liquid must represent pre-cum.

Dammit! Now I'm thinking about Cerebus's penis again!

I wonder how many Cerebus fans hate this fucking page that shows Cerebus weeping like a fucking emotional wreck. They probably refer to this panel with the same snide condescension as they refer to the Kevin Smith Batman panel where Batman admits to having peed himself a little bit the first time he used bat-explosives. Other than this moment, does Cerebus ever show any sort of emotion that emanates from something other than pitying himself?! Even this tear, I suppose, could be because Jaka made Cerebus sad and not because Cerebus realizes the emotional weight of this gift.

Cerebus #36 Rating: A. It's a seminal issue! That's a joke about the pre-cum line!