Dark Knight Universe Presents: Detective Comics #1

This is already my new favorite comic book.

Even though the main issue was completely boring and barely worth reading, this mini-issue inside DK III #8 has made up for the bigger book's failings in the cover alone. What do you think this villain's name is? Swastika Tits? Lightning Labia? Hate-Fuck? I bet Catwoman is going to be so jealous of her. Especially after what she'll almost certainly do to Batman's penis in this issue.

I hope this is the pornographic comic book by Frank Miller that I was wishing for last month!

Ooh la la! Or whatever the German version of that French exclamation is.

That probably turned you on like the creep you are, right? So let me change the subject for a second to cool you off.

I had Chinese food on Saturday night which obviously means I ate a fortune cookie (or two!) afterward. For some reason, they always bring more cookies than there are people so my niece eats as many of the extra ones as she can. Somehow I managed to get two myself. I secretly hoped that my fortunes would be completely opposite of each other since, I think, that means you will die on the spot. And at this point, I'll take any easy way out to end the numbing mundanity of existence. Instead, my fortunes were two of the best I've ever gotten. The first was "Behind an able man. There are always." Right?! That's one is so spot on that I could never dream of getting a better fortune than that. And yet I did! The next fortune read, "A surprise will titillate you and frighten you but you will accept it." Oh boy! I'm finally going to get laid! Possibly by a bear!

This paragraph is where I'd get back to talking about the comic book but there really isn't any more to say. I probably should have just enjoyed the cover and not ruined the entire experience by reading the comic. It's even more rambling and incoherent than the main book. I suppose that isn't a surprised since I think Frank Miller is given even more leeway in the writing of these mini-comics. I feel like he just draws a bunch of panels that occur to him as he strains to get out his twice weekly, rock-hard shits and then scripts around the finished panels. Then Azzarello goes in and corrects all of the spelling errors and takes out the various racial epithets that almost certainly weren't crucial to the plot. I'm sure he tried to talk Frank out of drawing swastikas on the antagonist's tits and ass but there are some battles Frank Miller isn't willing to lose. Hell, he probably has it in his contract with DC that he gets to draw a minimum number of swastikas in this series.

Dark Knight Universe Presents: Strange Adventures #1

What kind of a shitty alternate universe is this if Hawkman is still alive? Zero stars.

I would pay good money to read a pornographic comic book drawn by Frank Miller. I would also pay good money to make everybody listen to me read it as I scream, "OH GROSS! THAT CAN'T BE WHAT A VAGINA LOOKS LIKE, CAN IT?! AND WHY IS THAT PENIS SO MUSCULAR?!"

For those of you who don't understand things unless they're completely explained to you (and then still don't believe them because you first thought something else and will never stop believing your own assumptions and instincts over mere facts and authorial explanations), I'm not saying vaginas are ugly. I love vaginas. They are beautiful and terrific and if anybody wants to introduce me to one, let me know. The joke is that Frank Miller's art is terrible and if he drew a vagina, I imagine it would look monstrous. Now everybody who instantly thought I was saying vaginas are ugly should look deep inside themselves and admit that they don't know everything instantly and their deconstruction of every statement they come across is probably distorted by their own issues and worldview.

The Hawkcouple are flying over the desert where they come across Hal Jordan wandering like a Bedouin. Unless Bedouins don't wander at all and he's just dressed like one. Unless Bedouins don't dress like that. Maybe I should never have mentioned Bedouins at all since I'm almost completely ignorant of them and their culture and their sexual proclivities.

Speaking of sexual proclivities, these two are into some really weird ass stuff.

This Hawkman and Hawkwoman are brother and sister. They might still be a Hawkcouple so I'm not going to go back and correct myself. Until I know for sure that they aren't fucking and spraying diarrhea farts into each other's faces, I'm sticking to my guns.

Hawkbrother doesn't wear a shirt so neither does Hawksister. Now that's equality. I'm all for other people's sisters not wearing shirts. But mine should always wear a shirt. Two shirts even.

The Hawkcouple are just in this comic book long enough to point out that they shouldn't be in this comic book. Then they fly off leaving Hal Jordan to search for his ring alone. Except that they come back to help him when he steals his ring from the new owner! So I guess they should have been in this comic book. It's just weird that they're all, "We can't help him!" Then they're all, "We need to help him!" So, you know, they help Hal Jordan recover his hand with the ring on it. He also winds up getting a light construct Batmite as a sidekick for some reason. It probably makes sense if you're as old as Frank Miller.

The Ranking!
The tile of this comic book was Strange Adventures and it was definitely a strange adventure so I should judge it accordingly. It definitely did what it set out to do! Also, I think I saw one of Hawksister's nipples.

Dark Knight Universe Presents: World's Finest #1

I get that Frank Miller put out some seminal comic book works but can't we pretend he doesn't exist now?

The cover to this mini-comic confuses me. Why are Supergirl and Wonder Woman searching for a missing contact lens on top of the Bat Signal? And why is Wonder Woman wearing a fake chin and an anal bead wig? What is going on with Supergirl's ass? Is there currently a Kryptonite butt plug up there? And why is her head made out of wood? Did Wonder Woman always wear moccasins?

The issue begins with Batgirl wearing her terrible costume. I think she's only wearing it because it was a gift from The Batman. Some people don't have the constitution to simply throw away terrible gifts from family and friends. Some people feel obligated to appreciate any shitty gift they're given. I'm not one of those people. I even take pleasure in shredding Christmas photos of friends' children and pets. Nearly anything anybody gives me that I never explicitly mentioned wanting or needing is simply future garbage. And if Batgirl felt the same way, I wouldn't have to look at her in that hideous green and purple costume. What was Batman thinking? Not only is the color scheme terrible, there is a bat symbol on Batgirl's ass and back as well as her chest. Is that to confuse criminals? They are a superstitious and cowardly and terrible at anatomy lot!

Supergirl has decided to confront Batgirl and tell her that she doesn't like her. It's a time honored ritual of young girls. This time it takes place on the roof of the Gotham Police Station but usually it takes place at the roller rink or a school dance.

The main thing I learn from the conflict (which I could have learned from the cover) is that Frank Miller loves to draw wedgies. He's got a real old man perv thing for wedgies, doesn't he? Ugh. Now I'm imagining he must have masturbated multiple times to his own work while drawing this. I bet the original artwork glows under ultraviolet light.

Some of you reading this may already know this story since you were probably teenage girls at one point. Supergirl tells Batgirl that she hates her. Batgirl tells Supergirl that she never even thinks of her. Supergirl makes a face. Batgirl tries to avoid the situation. Supergirl blocks her escape. Batgirl tells Supergirl she's ugly. Supergirl finds she's losing the power in the situation and begins to look around for peer back-up. Instead, Supergirl's mother restrains her. Oh man. Just wait until school on Monday when everybody hears about that! This confrontation totally backfired!

The conflict turns into a wrestling match between mother and daughter and now I'm absolutely sure that the original artwork glows under an ultraviolet light. I have a feeling Frank Miller drew the women throughout this entire scene naked and Klaus Janson had to put their clothes back on when he inked it.

What's the sound of one old man fapping?

After the fight, Supergirl sheds a single tear and runs away screaming, "Nobody loves me!" If she's anything like my sister was at that age, she'll be at her grandmother's house manipulating them into taking her to McDonald's now.

The Rankings!
Why am I going to include the rankings for this mini-comic insert?! You don't see me reviewing the comic books that came with He-man figures! I take this shit seriously, dammit!