Princess of Gemworld
This meek, sensitive, golden boy has finally been pushed too far, dammit! Look out because he'll possess your body and make you do embarrassing things in front of your loved ones! He'll absolutely humiliate the fuck out of you!
Come on, DC! Nobody is taking this dandy seriously! Puffy sleeves. Draped cape. Purple vest. Spandex pants. He's practically the epitome of Prince Adam and who the fuck was afraid of him?! Oh wait! I know the answer to that! It was Cringer! Cringer was afraid of Prince Adam!
It's weird to think He-man became manlier when he took off most of his clothes to run around in Ugg boots, a fur loincloth, and armored suspenders. That entire show was a gay power fantasy, wasn't it?! Whoever developed it was all, "G.I. Joe is a big hit with all the kids and it's kind of gay, right? I'm not the only one who thinks Shipwreck has blown Roadblock, am I? Anyway, what if we make a super duper gay cartoon?!" I got into He-man before the cartoon because the Skeletor action figure reminded me of the Conan book I was reading at the time. Which must mean Conan the Barbarian is the gateway to homosexuality. What's weird is I'm probably just having a laugh (not at the expense of homosexuals! At the expense of, I don't know, something else!) but I bet there are plenty of thesis papers out there detailing the homoerotic nature of fantasy pulp fiction and its ensuant offshoots. With Conan at the forefront, of course!
Did using the word ensuant make my discussion sound scholarly enough to distract people from the possibility that I might have made (but didn't!) some jokes in poor taste? I hope I used it right!
At the end of Issue #2, following the letters page ramblings, Mike Gold (or whoever was writing the end column at the time) mentioned that Issue #3 would be the start of a three part Jericho story. So imagine how angry I am right at this moment after having picked up Issue #5 from the stack (which is the third Jericho issue) to see that Issue #6 was also a fucking Jericho issue! Are you fucking kidding me?! Who needs a four part story about this asshole whose mind we're never in because Marv Wolfman uses omniscient narrators instead of the modern first person narration and who never fucking says anything! Okay, he says one or two things per issue using sign language. But that's practically like not saying anything because I'm a big dope who thinks every sign is dirty!
But in 1986, Jericho was, for some fucking insane reason, my favorite Teen Titan. I said "some fucking insane reason" as if I don't know what the reason was. Well, I do and I'm going to regret telling you about it in the next sentence. I fucking loved the way he looked. Are you happy now? I admitted it! I love everything about this dandy motherfucker! Look at that sharp vest! And the sparkling belt! And the fucking pink boots! And those sideburns! I've probably spent more than half my life with big bushy sideburns which I almost certainly owe to loving the fuck out of this clown for so many years!
The issue begins with a serious crime being committed.
Come on, DC! Nobody is taking this dandy seriously! Puffy sleeves. Draped cape. Purple vest. Spandex pants. He's practically the epitome of Prince Adam and who the fuck was afraid of him?! Oh wait! I know the answer to that! It was Cringer! Cringer was afraid of Prince Adam!
It's weird to think He-man became manlier when he took off most of his clothes to run around in Ugg boots, a fur loincloth, and armored suspenders. That entire show was a gay power fantasy, wasn't it?! Whoever developed it was all, "G.I. Joe is a big hit with all the kids and it's kind of gay, right? I'm not the only one who thinks Shipwreck has blown Roadblock, am I? Anyway, what if we make a super duper gay cartoon?!" I got into He-man before the cartoon because the Skeletor action figure reminded me of the Conan book I was reading at the time. Which must mean Conan the Barbarian is the gateway to homosexuality. What's weird is I'm probably just having a laugh (not at the expense of homosexuals! At the expense of, I don't know, something else!) but I bet there are plenty of thesis papers out there detailing the homoerotic nature of fantasy pulp fiction and its ensuant offshoots. With Conan at the forefront, of course!
Did using the word ensuant make my discussion sound scholarly enough to distract people from the possibility that I might have made (but didn't!) some jokes in poor taste? I hope I used it right!
At the end of Issue #2, following the letters page ramblings, Mike Gold (or whoever was writing the end column at the time) mentioned that Issue #3 would be the start of a three part Jericho story. So imagine how angry I am right at this moment after having picked up Issue #5 from the stack (which is the third Jericho issue) to see that Issue #6 was also a fucking Jericho issue! Are you fucking kidding me?! Who needs a four part story about this asshole whose mind we're never in because Marv Wolfman uses omniscient narrators instead of the modern first person narration and who never fucking says anything! Okay, he says one or two things per issue using sign language. But that's practically like not saying anything because I'm a big dope who thinks every sign is dirty!
But in 1986, Jericho was, for some fucking insane reason, my favorite Teen Titan. I said "some fucking insane reason" as if I don't know what the reason was. Well, I do and I'm going to regret telling you about it in the next sentence. I fucking loved the way he looked. Are you happy now? I admitted it! I love everything about this dandy motherfucker! Look at that sharp vest! And the sparkling belt! And the fucking pink boots! And those sideburns! I've probably spent more than half my life with big bushy sideburns which I almost certainly owe to loving the fuck out of this clown for so many years!
The issue begins with a serious crime being committed.
How will he not know when he finds his fingers have been Crazy Glued to his cock?
With Jericho's powers, I don't know why he needs Garfield's fingerprints. Why not just possess Steve Dayton himself, knock him out so he can't scream for help, and just walk in to grab the promethium? Or hire his dad to get the shit! He could probably guilt Deathstork into doing loads of illegal stuff for him.
Why would Steve Dayton allow Garfield Logan access to his promethium?! Yeah, I fucking know Logan's his son. It still doesn't fucking make sense!
Jericho takes the promethium back to Arthur Lord so he can trade it to the Quraci government and save his daughter's life. But it's only after Lord leaves Addie's place with the promethium that she says to Jericho, "I think we just got scammed!"
Jericho responds, "I think you're a loser."
Sure enough, Penny and Arthur were just using Joey and his mom to get their hands on the most destructive non-Lobo thing in the DC Universe. Penny is all, "That dupe actually thought I loved him! But we didn't even fuck! I just held a tin of microwaved potato salad between my legs and let him fuck that." That's what sex feels like, right? Fucking warm potato salad? I mean, I totally know that's what it's like. I hope!
I mean, I don't hope it feels like that in that I love the feeling of fucking warm potato salad! I hope that's what it feels like so people who have fucked don't think I haven't fucked because I described it poorly. We all have different experiences anyway! You can't invalidate my description of what it felt like when I totally had sex all those times!
Joseph, being the biggest dupe of them all, didn't replace the promethium tablets with Sugar Mamas like I would have expected him to do. So now he and his mother have to break into Arthur Lord's secret laboratory and resteal the promethium tablets! If only they had consulted Nightwing, they could have been done with this adventure already. He would have been all, "Man, Joey, you smell like potato salad ! Did you fall for the fake lover with the potato salad between her legs trick? You better not trust her, buddy!"
Oh, I was wrong! They don't break into Lord's place at all! They think their smartest move is to break into Qurac and kidnap Curt, Penny's husband! I guess they can use him as leverage. Although couldn't Joey have lifted Penny's fingerprints off of his prostate to gain access to the secret lab?
If Joey had the ability to sneak into Qurac to rescue Penny without risking the entire world by giving Qurac promethium, why the fuck wasn't that the plan from the beginning?! I'm starting to sense that maybe Marv Wolfman was on Quaaludes when he wrote this script.
I mean, I don't hope it feels like that in that I love the feeling of fucking warm potato salad! I hope that's what it feels like so people who have fucked don't think I haven't fucked because I described it poorly. We all have different experiences anyway! You can't invalidate my description of what it felt like when I totally had sex all those times!
Joseph, being the biggest dupe of them all, didn't replace the promethium tablets with Sugar Mamas like I would have expected him to do. So now he and his mother have to break into Arthur Lord's secret laboratory and resteal the promethium tablets! If only they had consulted Nightwing, they could have been done with this adventure already. He would have been all, "Man, Joey, you smell like potato salad ! Did you fall for the fake lover with the potato salad between her legs trick? You better not trust her, buddy!"
Oh, I was wrong! They don't break into Lord's place at all! They think their smartest move is to break into Qurac and kidnap Curt, Penny's husband! I guess they can use him as leverage. Although couldn't Joey have lifted Penny's fingerprints off of his prostate to gain access to the secret lab?
If Joey had the ability to sneak into Qurac to rescue Penny without risking the entire world by giving Qurac promethium, why the fuck wasn't that the plan from the beginning?! I'm starting to sense that maybe Marv Wolfman was on Quaaludes when he wrote this script.
That would be Joey's crotch.
There's an advert for NBC's Saturday morning line-up in this issue and it just makes me wonder: if modern conservatives are so pissed off about everything in our culture that they see as emasculating the kind of man they think every guy should be, where the fuck were they in 1986 while I was watching Kissyfur, The Gummi Bears, Smurfs, Punky Brewster, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Foofur, and Kidd Video?! The most manly cartoon in that list is Alvin and the Chipmunks and they wore dresses!
Stop doing the math and trying to point out that I was fourteen or fifteen in 1986! Gummi Bears had one of the best cartoon theme songs (right after Ducktales)! I'm going to go listen to it right now!
Joey and Adeline take Curt to Tokyo where they finally begin interrogating him. Even though he spent multiple days being tortured by the Quraci government, he wouldn't tell them a thing. He spends two minutes alone with Adeline and Joseph and he begins spilling the beans. The only threat they used was that Joey was going to put himself inside hi...oh. I see what he's afraid of! Dude, it's nothing to be frightened of! Just relax, man! Joseph's a sensitive poet. He'll definitely provide a reach-around.
Joseph infiltrates Lord's secret base and discovers he's resurrecting H.I.V.E. (which stands for Hierarchy of International Vengeance and Extermination which is fucking stupid. Just spitballing for a few seconds and I already came up with a better one: Higher Institute of Violent Extremism!). Joseph's movements are described as catlike which is why he's noticed freaking the fuck out, bouncing off walls, and yowling at the top of his voice. Arthur Lord, leader of an organization full of soldiers who are only in the organization because they killed a bunch of other master fighters, decides to fight Joseph himself. His mighty warriors (the best of the best!) just stand around in robes watching.
Stop doing the math and trying to point out that I was fourteen or fifteen in 1986! Gummi Bears had one of the best cartoon theme songs (right after Ducktales)! I'm going to go listen to it right now!
Joey and Adeline take Curt to Tokyo where they finally begin interrogating him. Even though he spent multiple days being tortured by the Quraci government, he wouldn't tell them a thing. He spends two minutes alone with Adeline and Joseph and he begins spilling the beans. The only threat they used was that Joey was going to put himself inside hi...oh. I see what he's afraid of! Dude, it's nothing to be frightened of! Just relax, man! Joseph's a sensitive poet. He'll definitely provide a reach-around.
Joseph infiltrates Lord's secret base and discovers he's resurrecting H.I.V.E. (which stands for Hierarchy of International Vengeance and Extermination which is fucking stupid. Just spitballing for a few seconds and I already came up with a better one: Higher Institute of Violent Extremism!). Joseph's movements are described as catlike which is why he's noticed freaking the fuck out, bouncing off walls, and yowling at the top of his voice. Arthur Lord, leader of an organization full of soldiers who are only in the organization because they killed a bunch of other master fighters, decides to fight Joseph himself. His mighty warriors (the best of the best!) just stand around in robes watching.
What good is your invaluable edge if you're not going to use it?! Kill the little creep, you idiot!
Arthur Lord tackles Joseph straight through a wall where they both disappear from view. Then he emerges and he's all, "He's dead! And since Joseph can't control the host's talking, I must be myself and telling the truth! Ha ha ha!" But I know better! Remember how I already saw there's another issue in this stupid story arc? Joseph is totally still alive! And probably possessing Arthur! And probably able to speak because Arthur was knocked unconscious! Pshaw! Marv Wolfman, you need better twists!
Arthur and H.I.V.E. take off from their secret base to go take over the world. And they won't need the base anymore for some reason, so they just blow up the island on the way out. Ugh, he's the worst kind of tenant.
Teen Titans Spotlight #5: Jericho Rating: B-. So much betrayal! So many twists and turns! Not much fucking though. Which makes it a mediocre Teen Titans story. And yes, the B- factors in the fact that this whole conflict is, once again, somehow driven by family.
Arthur and H.I.V.E. take off from their secret base to go take over the world. And they won't need the base anymore for some reason, so they just blow up the island on the way out. Ugh, he's the worst kind of tenant.
Teen Titans Spotlight #5: Jericho Rating: B-. So much betrayal! So many twists and turns! Not much fucking though. Which makes it a mediocre Teen Titans story. And yes, the B- factors in the fact that this whole conflict is, once again, somehow driven by family.
No comments:
Post a Comment