Flash #70 (November 1992)

The Free Speech crowd attacking two people (and a dog) on Twitter because they had pronouns in their bio.

I wouldn't hate on people who are actually pro-free-speech but we currently live in the stupidest time where people fully do not understand free speech. It's possible they understand it but after fifty years on this planet, I've finally stopped giving people the benefit of the doubt. So when they're all for banning books because the targets of the ban are people they fundamentally disagree with and they see the ban as a punishment but cry their snowflake asses off about censorship when a twelve year old girl on tumblr demands that they stop saying "retard," you kind of have to either believe they don't understand free speech or they're just hypocritical assholes. Oh, wait. I just realized that by concluding they don't understand free speech, I was giving them the benefit of the doubt! Sorry, they're just assholes! My bad!

Ha ha. I'm still laughing about "incelorillas."

Flash spends the first three pages of this issue explaining what happened in the last piece of the story arc for the readers who couldn't afford the extra $1.25 to purchase Green Lantern #31 this month. That doesn't seem like much but I'm not even sure how I was able to afford it in 1992. I guess I played one less game of Cyberball down at 4th Street Bowl at two in the morning that week.

Green Lantern spends the fourth page trying to grab some bananas with his ring. Recently having devolved into a caveman, Hal Jordan has been reduced to the basest male actions: eating, fucking, and killing. Luckily for Flash, Hal has yet to realize how horny he is.

If I were Wally, I'd shove one yellow boot into my asshole and one over my cock.

I bet Wally, having a way bigger brain than I have and being far less concerned about Hal's new caveman sexual desires, will throw one of his boots over Hal's hand to incapacitate him. Rex will probably just piss all over himself to become invulnerable to Green Lantern.

The duo's real threat is Grodd and his new mega-brain. But they probably don't have to worry about Grodd taking over the world. Once Grodd's Incelorilla Army realizes he's not a Chad but a disabled Beta Cuck, they'll abandon him to look for a real Alpha to tell them how to trick women into banging them.

I'm not sure what's up with Hector. I guess he's become a caveman too. He's probably off angrily fucking a rock which he'll eat afterward.

Who would have guessed this would be Wally's solution? Oh yeah! Big brained me!

Using his newly acquired telepathic powers, Wally takes over Hal's mind and uses the ring to return them both to their normal forms. But in doing so, Wally saps the last of the meteor's power. They won't be able to use the same trick on Grodd and Hector. Speaking of Hector, he finally turns up on page 7.

Danny is playing the part of that rock I mentioned earlier.

Danny is Rex's military buddy. Or was? Doesn't matter. He was never important to this story.

Rex the Wonder Dog can now speak normally due to the meteor's power which makes Danny superfluous anyway. He tracks Gorilla Grodd back to Gorilla City where they find Grodd has used his new mental powers to possess and control every single ape in the city. Now even the apes who get laid regularly are fighting for him.

Meanwhile, Danny doesn't get fucked and eaten because Bobo parachutes out of the sky in the nick of time to save him.

Damn, Bobo. Just gonna throw around the casual slurs, hunh?

Good thing Vandal Savage wasn't around to hear Bobo speak this shit. Speaking of Vandal Savage, didn't he gain his intelligence and immortality from a meteor like this? How many of these meteors are there in the DC Universe? Was Metamorpho's Orb of Ra one of these things? Where did these meteors come from?

While Hal and Wally hide inside a giant green bubble to protect themselves from Grodd's psychic blasts, Rex the Wonder Dog sneaks up on Grodd and attacks.

Once again, Grodd freaks the fuck out when he's attacked by a dog. But this time, his body is too weak to punch the shit out of Rex and he's mauled to death.

Grodd actually defeats Rex but in doing so, he uses up too much of his power. Bobo drops out of the sky again to save Rex while Flash kicks Grodd in the face. After that, Rex is able to destroy Grodd's mind, rendering him as idiotic and devolved as Hammond. Rex, on the other hand, gets to maintain his newfound powers without anybody saying a word. I guess that's because he's a good boy?

Grodd and Hammond become prisoners in Gorilla City where Solovar will continue to attempt to make them useful to Gorilla City. First, they're learning how to push buttons for bananas. Later, they'll probably be trained to clean the Gorilla City septic tanks. Bobo decides to spend some vacation time in Gorilla City fucking lady apes even though he's a chimpanzee. So gross. This book is depraved.

The Flash #70 Rating: C. Average story with really nice art except when it came to Flash's buttocks. I don't know what Greg LaRocque was going for when he was drawing Flash's ass but I suspect it derived from a kink somewhere in Greg's subconscious. It was more upsetting to me than the ten minutes I spent after reading the comic book thinking about Bobo the Chimpanzee fucking lady gorillas.

I suppose the ass of a man who runs at the speed of light is going to develop strangely.