DC Universe Presents #19: Beowulf

Yay! Beowulf!

I hope Beowulf gets his own full Earth so he can be written like an Elseworlds comic book. Although the way DC is handling future, alternate timelines so poorly, it hardly matters. I guess Beowulf can take place wherever the fuck he wants whether or not his time actually exists or comes to pass or whatever. I think I've hit my quota on ranting about DC's alternate timelines. Although maybe this won't be an alternate timeline at all! Maybe this will be the Beowulf's creation which will lead everyone down the path that eventually ends up in the future dystopia seen in the Beowulf back-up stories in Sword of Sorcery. I'd much prefer that to be the actual future of Earth Prime over the Legion of Super-heroes' future.

The issue begins with a scientist named Gwen Pierce futzing around with a Bronze Age object from the future with properties to enable the user to catch glimpses of other worlds. Yay! Beowulf is from another world! I wish more of The New 52 comic books were following characters from Beowulf's world! We could have The Grendel and Tales of Hrothgar and Chupacabra and Beowulf's Sex Dungeon and Mother Machine's Monster Men and A.R.G.U.S. (Armored Radical Goats Usurping Sapiens) and Batman of Earth 26 (because I'm giving Earth 26 to Beowulf because it's the best world!). I wish I lived on a different Earth or in a different timeline where my DC Comics' fantasies were the reality!

By bathing the Torc in Spectralchemical Unuents, Gwendolyn causes a beast called the Puta to transfer from Earth 26 to Earth Prime. Not long after the Puta arrives and turns into a mirror image of Gwen, Beowulf appears in a fwash of vagina.

Is it sexist of DC to have a vagina exploding sound effect and not a penis exploding sound effect? Or is the penis exploding sound effect simply, "SPLURT!"?

To identify whether or not Earth Prime's Gwendolyn is not actually the Puta, Beowulf gives her a sniff. That seems about right! He says, "You smell human enough but your garb marks you as a sorceress." She's wearing a lab coat and a skirt. So that seems about right as well! Beowulf believes he's in a castle where the Puta must be stopped. And he kind of is.

Did this just turn into a comedy? And why is Green Lantern being so threatening in that Museum Justice League Exhibit Hanging?

The Puta escapes the museum and begins fucking with Superman's reputation by manhandling a police officer. That's all Superman needs right now! More people not trusting him! Especially since Scott Lobdell is writing Superman and Lobdell's only philosophical attitude toward writing Superman is the dichotomy of "Is he a Hero?" or "Is he the first wave of an alien invasion to conquer Earth?"

Are we supposed to be impressed? I'm pretty sure most people can follow the Puta by its scent.

Before Gwendolyn continues on with Beowulf, she insists on learning his story because she hasn't been reading Sword of Sorcery. Shame! That's probably why it was canceled, Dr. You Probably Read Teen Titans and Superboy. After defeating Grendel's mother, Beowulf realized he hadn't defeated Grendel's mother. She created the Puta to beguile Beowulf. But knowing that Beowulf was too powerful for her creations, she decided to exile him from Earth 26 by using the Torc. Now Beowulf's only chance of returning home is the scientist/sorceress (I hope she goes home with him!). But first he must defeat the Puta.

Meanwhile the Puta doesn't quite understand pop culture.

"Why do you laugh at me?! I am king of the ocean! I speak to fish! I swim really, really well!"

Beowulf shows up and finishes the Puta in two strokes. After that, it's back to the Museum and back to Earth 26 with a new sidekick, Sorceress Gwendolyn!

They're back just in time for Beowulf to destroy the Phallus!

DC Universe Presents #19: Beowulf Rating: +1 Ranking. I hope DC realizes Tony Bedard has a superb world vision here and they allow him to expand on it in the future. I think this was the last issue of DC Universe Presents. While this comic book had its problems (highlighting characters from shitty comics and keeping them fairly shitty and story arcs that went far too long for a comic used to highlight various characters), I liked that DC had a place to showcase currently unused characters. Of course they often chose to showcase characters in team books which was always disappointing. I really think this book would have worked much better if it were $3.99 without a back-up story and each story arc should have gone no more than two issues at most. I think that would have encouraged people to pick up the title even when they weren't completely interested in the character, like Challengers of the Unknown. I think that arc might have been the death knell for this comic. Overall, I thought the story was well done and entertaining, providing a good jumping off point for the characters in the Reboot. But it went on far too long for anybody not interested in checking them out. One issue? People might have purchased it and then stuck around for the next character. But it went three issues after Deadman began with a huge five issue story. That's eight months of comic books avoided by people that don't care about Deadman or the Challengers. Oh well. I'm sure DC will come out with SHOWCASE 2014 next January. I'll be up for that!

Sword of Sorcery #3

Why doesn't Beowulf get the cover once in a while?

Any comic book I read, I tend to want to play as a turn-based computer role playing game but none so much as Amethyst. It could be part RPG and part dating sim, taking place across two worlds, Nilaa and First World. What's First World?

Don't worry about making sense! The wackier and more surreal, the better!

The game could be filled with tons of mini-games to represent all of the things Amethyst has to learn in Gemworld, like magic and fighting and diplomacy and arranged marriaging. Plus there could be mini-games back on Earth as well like Spin the Bottle and Sexting and Fumbling with Your First Cock Under the Bleachers at the Homecoming Game. I'd probably spend a lot more time in high school on First World dealing with my accidental pregnancy while Gemworld fell apart and was taken over by evil.

How the fuck did this happen? I put the condom on the banana just like in class!

While Amethyst trains her magic skills in the least exciting mini-game of the entire RPG, someone named Niyati from some clan named Ghaggra in some place beyond the settled lands is being banished from the clan for disobeying the leader. I guess the Unsettled Lands are composed of people who have chosen not to take part in the silly gemstone theme of Nilaa. She wants to get revenge on whoever killed her mate. I suppose the only reason to really include this single page is if the mate that was killed was the single person that Amethyst has ever killed. Isn't that just the way? You kill your first person in self-defense as you're defending yourself from an ambush and now you have to deal with the person's spouse as well?

Do the writers at DC get a bonus if they're able to refer to the stupid Eclipso crossover in their comic book?

Amethyst's mom interrupts Amethyst while she is teaching her new Gemworld friends what "sucking" means on Earth. They have to go meet Mordiel on neutral ground to discuss the future of House Amethyst. Except Mordiel will probably actually be those assassins from House Onyx and the only thing they'll be discussing is murder!

Or not. I guess I would suck at the subtleties of Gemworld. When you take a hit out on someone, you have to meet with them first and warn them that you're going to kill them if you won't give up your power and your daughter and everything that makes your life worth living.

This issue ends with war declared between Mordiel and Graciel and Amethyst jumping through a portal into the Justice League Dark Annual. Now it's time for the really interesting story!

Beowulf!

Mother Machine tells Grendel that the world had been destroyed by a conflict between normal mankind and super powered men. Regulus, the leader of Basilisk, was behind a super soldier program to give ordinary men the power to fight back against super heroes. Beowulf is the end result of that program. Mother Machine's work spawns from Amanda Waller's Samsara Project. This is how she created the new life, Grendel. So the conflict between Basilisk and Amanda Waller reaches far into the future.

Mother Machine attempts to hypnotize Beowulf over to her side, asking him to kill the boy. The boy hurls his spear at Mother Machine to break the spell.

"Abort" actually means "blow this fucking place to pieces."

Mother Machine destroys the Eyrie and everything within it including her child Grendel. Beowulf manages to escape with the boy, Wiglaf, and they return to Hrothgar's Hall as heroes. The end.

A note says that Beowulf will return in 2013 as a new back-up story about "Stalker: The Man Without a Soul!" begins next month. Beowulf hasn't fought the dragon yet so maybe that'll be the next story. I really like the post-apocalyptic New 52 of Beowulf. The ancestor of Regulus roaming the world destroying what's left of the super heroes. And what's left of the super heroes is whatever Mother Machine decides is left of them! Using Waller's Samsara Project, she can bring any of them back to life and apparently in whatever combination she wants since Grendel was part Buddy Baker, part Gar Logan, and part Rot. I'm sure Mother Machine has survived to combine the DNA of Apollo and Killer Croc and Apache Chief to create the Dragon that Beowulf will need to kill next time.

Sword of Sorcery #3 Rating: No change. I'm curious about the next back-up feature about Stalker the Man Without a Soul. So what? He's just like everybody else!

Sword of Sorcery #2

Umm. Amethyst kills her own mother in this issue? [After reading the comic, I get the cover. It's a mislead down the Path of Blood!]

This issue begins with Amethyst trying not to puke as she remembers killing that guy last issue. And then the title page pops up with "The Path of Heart." Well fuck me! They pulled the old switcheroo! The tag at the end of last issue said, "The Path of Blood"! That sounds way more exciting. I'm so disappointed. Maybe the Path of Heart means someone is going to get their heart pulled out of their chest! I hope so because otherwise Amethyst's confrontation with Mordriel will be filled with hugs.

Some boring business takes place where Graciel tends to the Portal Crystal which leads to Earth.

Never say never! Or, um, never say no chance!

Why do people in fiction insist on giving their children names that will inevitably set them up against one another with one being inherently good and the other inherently evil? Who decided they would name one daughter Graciel to represent grace and goodness. But then they named the other one Mordiel to represent death and badness. Way to go, parents!

Man. Now I want to have two children so I can name one Good and one Evil. Now anyone reading this that knows my last name is just sighing and saying, "That would be fucking ridiculous." You can skip that comment if you don't know my last name and feel left out by the comment.

In the bathroom, Amethyst learns that her clothing is called "Mist-Silk." It allows obstacles to pass right through it while Amethyst, whom it was made for, can grasp it. That sounds like the worst clothing ever! "I can't punch myself but anybody can grope me at their leisure!" I wonder if she can pee straight through it? Oh, she also learns that she's not just a princess of House Amethyst but of House Turquoise as well. But she doesn't learn why she is because her new best friend, the Citrine Princess, won't speak on it.

Later Amethyst learns a bit about her lineage and some of the history of Nilaa (Gemworld!) when she has dinner with her grandfather, the leader of House Turquoise.

Amethyst's father is apparently dead. But I bet he's not really! Twist!

At dinner it is decided that they will all take the Path of Heart! Or something. I don't know, it's a bunch of diplomatic bureaucracy. I've never had much of a taste for court intrigues. I guess I'm too low brow for it. Let's get back to the high school drama! I'm more of a Cruel Intentions person than a Dangerous Liaisons guy.

Except I've never seen either so I'm sure that's a complete lie since I prefer well-written things to the opposite of well-written things. In fact, that whole last paragraph was a complete and utter lie. I was just trying to come off as cool and casual and above it all when really I've been hanging on Queen Graciel's every word! How she was supposed to marry the heir to Throne Diamond but she fell in love with the heir to Throne Turquoise which meant a Thrown Away Opportunity. House Diamond didn't appreciate Graciel backing out of the arranged Diamond Marriage Plan, so the Lord of House Turquoise shared his power with his son to prevent Diamond from getting revenge. And that's when Graciel became knocked up by Vyrian, now Lord of House Turquoise. He was probably killed later by Mordriel and the House Diamond Ruffians which caused Graciel to flee to Earth with her daughter. Or her fetus. I don't know when she had to flee. Besides finding out that Mordiel was barren, that's about everything that was learned at dinner.

Before the Path of Heart takes place where the Amethyst girls will share the Amethyst power equally (that means Graciel, Mordriel, and Amaya (Amethyst!) will all have 1/3 of the power), a scene takes place in House Diamond to show that the youngest son, Hadran, is actually a good man. That must mean he'll be Amethyst's love interest later!

The sharing of the blood-power of House Amethyst goes according to plan even though Mordriel tries to use her influence to have Amaya choose the Path of Blood which means killing her mother and taking all of the power. But Amaya chooses the Path of Heart, surprisingly. Mordriel isn't exactly happy to have lost one-sixth of her power, so she contacts the Shadow Walkers of House Onyx to hire them for a job.

Of course the House of the Black Gemstone is shadowy and dangerous.

What Houses are there? I'm guessing there will be twelve by the looks of the portal room in House Citrine and simply because the whole link to birthstones and crap. The Houses that have been acknowledged so far are Diamond, Amethyst, Turquoise, Citrine, and Onyx. Maybe there were some others that I've forgotten. I'm sure there will be Houses for Ruby, Emerald, and Sapphire. The last four might be Opal, Pearl, Garnet, and Aquamarine. Maybe there will be minor houses as well to represent all of the gemstones. Maybe the names of all of the houses are the secrets that will be revealed next month!

Anyway, it's time for the boy's story! This book is so gender coded! No, wait. That's me gender coding the book! I mean, now it's time for a story that can be enjoyed no matter what genitalia you have and no matter what genitalia you want your genitalia to interact with.

Last issue, Grendel had infiltrated Hrothgar's long house and was about to eat Wiglaf. Luckily, Beowulf comes to his rescue just in time! Or perhaps it was just lucky that Beowulf was using the kid to lure Grendel to him?

Well, that was a quick battle.

Cutting off Grendel's arms doesn't even come close to ending the fight. It just sprouts new ones out of its chest and presses the attack using its poison tipped tail and it's disgusting jelly fish jaws. Beowulf loses his sword and takes a moment to assess his opponent.

Come on. How awesome is this? This story is my absolute favorite piece of DC's world building experience so far.

Grendel flees from the hall screaming, "UNGLAU!" That might be a clue! Beowulf promises to track it to its lair and bring back its head for Hrothgar. He takes Wiglaf with him to help lead the way. Grendel's lair looks like it might possibly be the Blackhawk's Eyrie. As they enter, they find Grendel inside an Empire Strike's Back healing tank. But before they can smash it and kill the beast within, Grendel's mother stops them.

Mother Machine?

Sword of Sorcery #2 Rating: +1 Ranking. Yet again, the back-up story really carries this book. I think if the Beowulf story were the main story though, it would reveal too much each month and use up all of its tricks. As a short in the back of the book, it's perfect. It gives me just enough to want to see more of this post-apocalyptic New 52 world. I'm enjoying the Amethyst story but I think I'd like it better if we got back to some high school action and the plot sped up a little bit. Overall, this is a pretty well rounded comic book series.

Sword of Sorcery #1

Now I want to play an Amethyst computer role playing game.

Amethyst hasn't really had any time to get her bearings in Gemworld before she and her mom and all of their new friends are attacked by some crazy berserker types. But all that happened last issue! This issue begins with Amethyst rushing into the fray to help her mother without thinking about the consequences.

Now that she realizes killing a man is easy, the football players back home had better straighten the fuck up.

After a few pages of battle in which Amethyst's mom uses some magic to finish off all of their foes, I realize that I don't want to play an Amethyst CRPG at all! At least not one that takes place in Gemworld. I think I'd rather play an Amethyst Dating Simulator that takes place in her high school. I guess a game that incorporates both would be exactly what I'm looking for! Instead, all I have is stupid Skyrim.

Amethyst and her mother, Graciel, are royalty of House Amethyst. Lady Mordiel currently rules House Amethyst and is probably Lady Graciel's sister. They've arrived in Gemworld and into the helping arms of Princess Ingvie of House Citrine. I hope House Sapphire is full of magic-wielding ninja mermaids!

Speaking of other houses, House Diamond seems to be full of opportunistic assholes.

I guess the value of the stone in our world means nothing in Gemworld.

I wonder if DC decided to make Amethyst older in this comic book to appeal to the male demographic? I'd actually rather read a story about a 13 year old girl coming of age and trying to deal with adult situations than read about a rebellious teenager that doesn't fit in but it's her plucky, out-of-the-norm, bad-mannered attitude that helps her win the day! That's probably what's going to happen, right?

Amethyst and her new Gem-friends flee through a portal back to House Citrine. Crystals planted in the ground act like portals that anybody can use unless someone remains behind to remove the crystal, so one of House Citrine's soldiers remains behind to flee with the crystal. I only explain all of this to point out that Amethyst and her mom are going to have a hard time getting home unless John Constantine plants the crystal he stole somewhere else. In place of the portal crystal, Amethyst's mom leaves a message crystal behind for her sister.

I guess the Way of the Heart is out of the question.

Now that the girl's story is over, it's time for the boy's story about Beowulf! I'm a little bit disappointed that Amethyst's story didn't involve anymore high school drama. But maybe Beowulf's story will get to the Grendel part. That's kind of like high school! The cool kids partying and drinking and not inviting the socially awkward monster from the cave down the street. But he crashes the party anyway and a bunch of people are killed. So the next day, all of the local Viking Media Outlets begin questioning why this happened. How do we stop this from happening again? What was the cause? Bullying? Video games? Interference from the Gods? A horrible generational curse? Diet? The fucking weather?

The boy from Hrothgar's house has found Beowulf and they are now headed back to Hrothgar's mead hall. On the way, Beowulf chops up a bunch of people in a tavern. He doesn't seem to take very kindly to questions. They leave the tavern because they're probably not welcome there anymore and head into Iron Troll country.

Beowulf and his sword versus the Iron Troll and his gatling gun arm? I'll have to go with the guy whose name is on the front cover.

Beowulf has a cybernetic eye (and may be entirely machine) which allows him to pull a Terminator on the Iron Trolls and assess their type and current areas of damage. These are Waynetech War Drones! This comic might be the best world building comic of all of The New 52 even though it takes place in a destroyed world at an unknown time in the future.

Beowulf destroys the Iron Trolls and they eventually make it to Hrothgar's mead hall. Beowulf seems to only feel allegiance to Hrothgar because he was a general. Beowulf is probably a war machine himself and thus programmed to obey the orders of specific military men.

Once inside Hrothgar's mead hall, Beowulf has no time for merriment and mead. He prepares everyone for Grendel's next attack, barricading the entire place and leaving guards outside to warn those inside with their dying screams of agony when Grendel arrives. Too bad when Grendel does come, he chooses the stealthy route instead of the typical Kool-Aid entrance.

I just have one jaw and a single tongue which I'm always biting it. Grendel's mouth must be full of his own blood on a constant basis.

Sword of Sorcery #1 Rating: +1 Ranking. The Amethyst story was decent enough but a bit lackluster, probably because there wasn't any high school shenanigans. But the Beowulf story really carried this issue. I really like the world Bedard and Saiz are building. Best back-up story in all of the $3.99 DC Comics so far.

Sword of Sorcery #0

Really? Sword of Sorcery? That's as horrible a fantasy name as Places and Predators! Except my game's name is a parody! Is this title supposed to be silly fantasy? Am I supposed to take this shit seriously? Sword of Sorcery? Oh! But look at that cover! First time I've seen a guard on the grip of a weapon since every single panel by Rob Liefeld!

Let me speak a little bit about my knowledge of Amethyst, Princess of Gemworld, before I begin reading. Okay, that's it! Knowledge exhausted! The only thing I remember about Amethyst was my friend Sal picking up issues of Amethyst in the quarter bins at comic book stores and conventions. Unless it wasn't Sal at all. Although Sal did introduce me to Herbie Hancock and I introduced him to Slayer. I'm not sure if that was a fair trade or not.

The comic book begins in a complete and utter fantasy world. At least, it's a fantasy world according to my experience. Did I grow up in Shangri La? No, Santa Clara. But I really don't remember this kind of bullshit occurring in my high school. Perhaps I was just autistic enough to have no fucking clue what kind of social politics were happening around me.

Seriously? She's ostracized because she's the new girl and her hair is colored?

Can I just express this moment of disbelief: Wow. Why wasn't Aaron Lopresti drawing like this in JLI? I love this style and look. And it's taking place in high school?! Be still my love for teen drama beating heart!

Amy doesn't have any friends yet. But her cool demeanor and off-the-beaten path good looks are sure to win her a few bottom-of-the-rung-in-popularity friends soon enough. And sure enough, she meets up with a girl named after a gemstone whose Velma-esque looks are attractive enough for a football player to want to make out with her behind the bleachers after the homecoming game but too geeky to be seen in public with her. Fucking stupid ass football player. If you like her, fucking go for it. High school is only three years out of your life. THREE FUCKING YEARS! Don't let the other morons dictate how you're going to spend that small amount of critical time. You're never going to be the same person you were in that forced social situation. And you're going to learn bad habits if you allow your peers to dictate your desires.

And Beryl. Do I have to say it? Going out with a football player in a secluded place because he makes your fucking tits tingle? I'm not blaming you at all for what's about to happen. But if this guy isn't willing to be seen mouth to mouth with you in a well-lit hallway, you maybe want to think twice about disappearing with him in the dark for a few hours.

Amy's about to turn 17 later in the evening. And her mom is flipping out about it. Because this birthday is going to change everything.

I guess Gemworld is rated R.

Amy spars with her mom for about two minutes before she has a teenaged girl temper tantrum and storms off to do something normal. She heads to the homecoming game.

I was such a social retard in high school. I had long hair and was in all of the advanced classes. My best friends were all of the other fringe smart nerd kids. But I was also friends with the stoners and rockers simply because I had long hair. And then I had my two best friends, Paul and Herschel. And that was about it. I played Role Playing games on the weekends with my cousin (one grade beneath me) and his friends. Very occasionally I would venture out into the "normal" social situations. And I think back on those and what my life might have been if I in any way knew how to react in those environments. I think I went to a single homecoming game. I barely talked to the more popular kids in the advanced classes so I had no idea what they thought of me or if I could be friends with them merely by opening up. But at the homecoming game, I was with my friend Paul and we sat in front of Merril George. By dint of my last name, if I shared a class with Merrill, she usually sat right in front of me. So at the homecoming game, the situation was oddly reversed. What she thought of seeing me, the shy, anti-social kid, at the game, I don't know. But she continuously played with my hair and talked with me. At least as much as I was able to respond. What was that about? Was it flirting? Was she reaching out to me? Was she just being friendly and sociable because we were in many of the same classes? I have no idea because, as I said, I'm socially retarded!

Anyway, let's see how Amy dealt with her time at the Homecoming Game. I have a feeling she's going to end up kicking a football player named Tyler's ass.

The title of this story is called "Homecoming." Clever. Very fucking clever, you Jem writing bitch.

Meanwhile back on Gemworld, Lady Mordiel of Amethyst tower is sucking the life from any female descended from the same bloodline as her. I think she might be the bad guy and the reason Amy is on Earth is to protect Amy from having her essence sucked out by Lady Mordiel. But now that she's about to turn 17, she can head back to Gemworld and challenge Lady Mordiel for the throne of Amethyst Tower. Maybe. That's my speculation anyway.

And back at the homecoming game (or afterward since Amy missed the whole thing)...

Oh look! The cliche rapist football players are about to do their thing.

Is this something that happens regularly in high school? How the fuck should I know? I was role playing Elves and sending my Russian troops into Germany to stop Hitler from taking over the world. Is this reality? Or is this cliche crap giving football players a bad name? It could easily have been happening at my high school and how would I have known? I spent most of my time as the cool rocker kid in the smart classes that befriended all of the nerds and geeks and stood up for them when I could. In Junior High, I was overweight but I was never teased or picked on and I actually made friends more easily than in high school. I think the look I cultivated in high school made me more unapproachable by the group of kids I tended to get along with. But shit like this? The only teen drama I knew was on PBS during episodes of Degrassi Junior High.

After Amy kicks major ass on the wanna-be rapists, she tries to befriend Beryl but Beryl runs scared from her. Why? I don't know. I would be hugging the shit out of her after that. Amy doesn't know what to think either and just heads home where her mom is waiting to take her to their real home.

Look at the way she's drinking that water! She wants it! Oh shit. I'm channeling the football players!

Amy's mother creates a portal which takes them to Gemworld where they find a loyal army waiting for them on the other side. Also waiting for them is an ambush by Lady Mordial's Hunters. They knew Amy and her mother would be back on the day Amy turned 17, the day she could take the power of the Amethyst for herself. Amy's mom tries to keep Amy safe but Amy will not be shoved into a hole to hide while her mother's life is at stake.

Meanwhile on Earth, John Constantine fucks with their portal back. What a dick.

That's the end of the Princess of Gemworld story. The back-up story is about Beowulf. But this Beowulf is not the old English version. This is the post-apocalyptic version! Much more exciting than a guy fighting ancient gender metaphors.

It's the same story featuring Hrothgar and Grendel's nightly raid on his mead halls. Only it takes place in the future!

I once spent a few months on CelticMUSH. Mostly playing Boggle. But I did write a story as a gift to Misty who invited me to the MUSH. Although we really only ever played Boggle. Fuck she was good at it.

The Boy takes Beowulf back to Hrothgar's Mead Hall while telling him the story of Grendel's nightly attacks.

Looks like Hrothgar's meadhall is the Blackhawk's Eyrie.

Swords of Sorcery #0 Rating: I like the teen drama of Amethyst and hope that her story bounces back and forth between worlds. And I really like the Beowulf back-up story as well even though it's negligibly different from the source material. It simply takes place in a post-apocalyptic future and Beowulf is some kind of cyborg. Super A+ Five Parrots Diamond Star rating!