Gods and Monsters: Superman #1

"What Earth does this take place on?" -- Continuity Nerds and/or Me.

I have now braved the 90+ degree whether and walked to Excalibur, my local comic book store, to pick up this week's comic books. So even though I now have a bunch of New 52 DC Youniverse books to read, I decided to read another one of these Gods and Monsters things. By the way, "Gods and Monsters" is redundant. All gods are monsters. Although not all monsters are gods, so maybe that's why both are needed. Never mind.

Also there are no such things as gods. Sorry to break the news to all of you believers. I realize the only reason you've believed in God for so long is that nobody ever told you that God doesn't really exist. It's probably a real M. Night Shyamalan shocker, right? I know you'll be sad and scared for a little while as you try to figure out how your life can have meaning and purpose without an omniscient being giving it to you, but you'll be fine after a few weeks. You'll realize that nothing much has changed except maybe now you actually have to depend on yourself and your family and your friends, and vice versa, so you'll probably wind up being a kind, more caring human being. It's a burden to have to take Jesus's place, especially since so many of your family members rely on Him for so much, but you'll probably really enjoy helping them. You'll soon come to despise all that time you wasted praying when you could have actually been taking action. You'll probably also stop being such a judgy asshole although that might just be part of who you are naturally. Just look at me! I've never believed in God ever and I judge like a motherfucker!

This issue of Gods and Monsters is drawn by Moritat! I'm super excited about that because I miss when he draws tiny people! They're so adorable! Although he also reminds me that All-Star Western was cancelled. Thanks a lot, jerko comic book readers who couldn't support the best comic books of The New 52! Assholes.

In the Gods and Monsters Universe, Superman was found in a field by migrant workers and named Hernan Guerra. That doesn't bode well! Hernan?! I mean, his last name translates to war?! I'm afraid of him already! Plus he's the child of a migrant worker taking all of the sweet vegetable and fruit picking jobs!

Speaking of xenophobia and racism, I have to renew my Oregon driver's license this year. Because Oregon's population is about 98% xenophobic asshole, I now have to visit a Notary Public to get a note authorizing that I am who I say I am so that I can send it to California so they can send me a government issued copy of my birth certificate so that I can prove that I'm a lawful citizen of the United States of America so that a whole bunch of white people can feel safe that undocumented workers aren't driving around without insurance. Oregon, you suck.

Get it? Superman is an alien and also an alien!

At least having a Mexican-American Superman will make it more believable when everybody is, yet again, afraid of him.

Cynical, intelligent people will understand that the last sentence was aimed at xenophobic (probably white!) Americans. Reactionary self-righteous assholes will have stopped reading in disgust before they even get to this sentence because they believe I was making a racist joke. But then, I'm totally used to that!

The story is narrated by Valentina, Superman's sister. Get it?! It's like love and war! Although her name is Valentina Guerra so she's technically both love and war. But when she gets married, she can drop the war part of her name to show that she's now her husband's property.

As teens, Hernan challenges his sister to climb a tree even though she's afraid of heights. He then causes a strong breeze to blow her out of it so that she falls and breaks her back. That's the trouble with having a super brother! He never knows when he's going too far.

Look! Tiny people! And Spanish swearing! Yay!

Hernan stopped using his powers after the injury to his sister. Even later, when a small plane is crashing right in front of his family, he refuses to use his powers to save the people within. He claims it's because his parents always wanted him to hide the truth. But the truth now is that he simply feels too full of guilt to use them.

I haven't seen Man of Steel but I have read about it and heard quite a few podcasts talking about it. It seems like this story is taking some of the poorly written aspects of the movie and using them here but with better reasons. Hernan's parents don't want him using his powers because they don't want people knowing he's different. This makes more sense as a son of an undocumented worker in America than it would to a son of a white farmers in a small town where everybody knows each other and are close. Not using his powers to save people makes makes more sense if he has a psychological reason for not wanting to use them than if he's just simply obeying his parents. Plus this Superman is probably Zod since Batman wasn't Bruce Wayne but Kirk Langstrom. Also, Heranan keeps worrying about being a monster and his last name, as a human, is Guerra, so totally Zod!

One night, Hernan burns out the eyes of a drunk who called him a wetback and threw a bottle at the back of his head. This causes him to run home and curse God in front of his mother which is like the biggest no-no you can do in a Mexican household (next to cursing Mary, of course! Or Jesus. Or about fifteen different Saints. And then cursing God is the worst, after all those others).

Earlier his father threatened to hit him and Valentina mentioned it was good he didn't because he would have broken his hand. Luckily Hernan's mom is made of sterner stuff.

A bunch of racist assholes (in other words, police) come to take Hernan off to jail or worse. But Hernan would rather kill them all than take any more shit from one more fucking asshole. The only reason he doesn't kill them is because his sister threatens to stop loving him if he murders anybody. So instead of killing them all, Hernan flies up, up, and away. I think everybody is too shocked to say the whole "up in the sky!" thing.

Hernan's dad tells him to get the hell out because he's a curse and a monster. That's pretty much what Kirk Langstrom's dad said by walking out on him and not saying anything! So at least this version of the DC Youniverse is consistent with the other one because everybody in it has Daddy Issues. How is Wonder Woman going to have Daddy Issues if she were made from clay? I guess not having a Daddy in her life is probably the biggest Daddy Issue of all, right?

Hernan flies off to find himself, first in America, then in the rest of the world, and finally in Mexico. It's in Mexico where, filled with despair that he ultimately has no home, he hears about a Mexican drug lord and the constant violence he inflicts on his father and his mother's homeland. It's then that he embraces his powers and flies off to punish the cartel and save some kidnapped children. And after that, he finally heads back to his family where he finds his mother dead, his father apologetic, and his sister married with a kid. So I guess his Daddy Issues have cleared up a bit by the time he puts on the uniform and decides to be a hero. A much darker, more murderous hero than regular Superman but what does anybody expect?! DC Comics hates their original version of Superman! Why would they make another one?!

That's two members of the Justice League who are both gods and monsters! I guess they're gods because they like to punish people with death and they're monsters because that's how they see themselves. Gods don't feel bad about murdering innocent people to punish a few bad ones. But human beings generally feel remorseful when they kill, so when Superman and Batman kill people who maybe deserve it, they think of themselves as monsters for enjoying it.