Sword of Sorcery #7

I thought these covers were supposed to have crazy twists? Only people not reading this comic would have been shocked by this one. And who are these assholes not reading this comic book? Thanks a lot for getting it cancelled, jerkos!

Last issue, Amethyst sold out Gemworld for a slice of pizza. What do you expect? She's a teenaged girl! She wants what she wants and she knows better than everybody else. I might say the same thing for teenaged boys but she isn't a teenaged boy so why would I bring up teenaged boys except as this addendum to preemptively shut up any cries that I'm being sexist. Man. Who gave women the right to speak their mind?! It's taking away my freedom to be a misogynist without having to hear somebody point out that I'm an asshole! You know, misogynists are people too! They get their feelings hurt as well! If you can't say something nice (to men), don't say anything at all.

Let me start over in case you already forgot that first brilliant part of the story by Christy Marx because the other nonsense caused a hemorrhage in your brain: Amethyst sold out Gemworld for a slice of pizza. That's just fucking terrific. This is why I never allow anybody to do anything for me that might possibly constitute a favor! Wait, that's not true. I let people do stuff for me all of the time. But I've cultivated a sophisticated tactic of never, ever repaying anybody for anything so that they know better than to expect that I'll help them out with any of their problems. It makes life so much easier. For me!

I'm really painting a beautiful picture of myself so far in this commentary! Who wouldn't want to be my friend! I think I'm almost ready to cosplay Eclipso now! I've got the asshole personality down so now I just need to get the rippling abs and monster pectorals! That should only take like a week or something though, right? My body would be so incredibly fit right now if fitness were directly related to how many cookies you eat.

This issue is called, "Eclipso Unleashed!" Last month, I said DC needs to knock off the "unleashed" bit because it was old when insert apt analogy here. And I don't want to be accused of exaggerating (or murder), but DC has used "unleashed" about six hundred times in The New 52 so far.

Amethyst's best Gemworldian friend, Princess Ingvie, has just become a Queen in the usual way. And Eclipso is on the loose. And it's all Amethyst's fault (I think I mentioned that a few times already). While the Good Guys try to regroup after Eclipso's attack, Eclipso heads on over to House Onyx so they can shower him in hugs and kisses.

I meant shower him in insults and death threats.

Eclipso manages to do that thing he does where he looks through his rock candy and possesses everybody in the room. The only people immune are those with the Onyx Blood Power. Instead of putting up a fight that will just end in a bunch of Onyx Gemworldians dead, the Royal Family flees into the shadows, leaving Eclipso with his new army to take over Gemworld. He'd better hurry up and do it quickly. I don't think this comic book has many issues left. Anyway, his first conquest will be of House Diamond because he needs to get the Black and Diamond back together again.

Meanwhile Ingvie has just learned everything there is to know about everything because all knowledge was passed to her when her mother died. So now she knows about the War of The Eclipse without ever having to study it. It seems to me that a student really desperate to pass a test might seriously think about killing their parents so that they don't have to study. I guess children are more trustworthy in Gemworld than they are in America. I'm pretty sure there's a point about the failure of unrestrained capitalism and its affect on the ethics of young adults growing up in a system that teaches you that everything is a competition and failure is worse than cheating, lying, and stealing. But I won't be the one to point it out.

"Studying is so hard! I never could have remembered all of this without the death of my mother."

Eclipso takes over House Diamond because the King's son doesn't give a shit about helping his father battle Eclipso when he knows his father's death will simply result in his gaining all of the power! See! I knew there were some serious drawbacks to this shit! No wonder intrigue is practically synonymous with royalty! I get it now! Thanks, comic books!

The dick son gains the power of House Diamond and swears fealty to Eclipso. Afterward, he attempts to murder his nicety-nice brother but only wounds him before Lady Akikra of House Onyx emerges from the shadows and rescues him. It's a good thing House Diamond has a noble son to take over once Eclipso is banished from Gemworld a second time. It would be awful if the entire Royal House were stereotypical douchebags. Not that having one son isn't totally cliche as well! But it's a fantasy story! It has to be told in a certain way or the reader just wouldn't understand it.

Lastly, Eclipso marches on House Amethyst to repay them for banishing him to First World. And that's where this story ends! Next, Stalker probably outwits Lucifer and gets to live happily ever after with a baby and without a soul. Hmm, that doesn't sound happy at all. Get rid of the baby part and we'll talk.

Well, Stalker does lose the baby. And he gains a soul! More precisely, he never lost his soul. Lucifer made a deal for a soul of one of his male ancestors. And once Stalker realizes he's had a soul all of this time, he suddenly feels guilty for all of the people he's killed across the thousands of years he's lived. So a soul is basically a placebo? Since souls don't exist, Lucifer gives Stalker a sugar pill at the end of this comic which causes Stalker to suddenly feel guilty. Well, soul or no soul, at least Stalker isn't stuck with that stupid baby since Stalker ends up falling through a portal to Hell or the past or who knows where and the baby remains behind.

To murder everybody! [Crack of thunder. Maniacal laughter.]

Sword of Sorcery #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. I hope next issue isn't about war. I hope everybody enjoys a tea party instead.