Superboy #19

Yes, but what about the third strand of DNA?! Jimmy Olsen?

At the end of the last issue, Dr. Psycho had found himself astrally projected into Superboy's lungs where he encountered a mini-hologram or nanobot of Lex Luthor. While that was going on inside of him, Superboy was busy fighting Plasmus because Plasmus was trying to rob the same bank that Superboy had robbed earlier in the year and Superboy now knows that that was wrong. But the most important part was that Lex Luthor was going to explain Superboy's origin and unravel the mystery of his DNA! I hope Scott Lobdell remembered that was how the last issue ended!

Does Scott Lobdell even know that comic book stories are allowed to continue from one issue to the next?

Okay. Forget Dr. Psycho. Forget Nanobot/hologramatic/miniaturized Lex Luthor. Let's just go with Harvest telling the reader the secret of Superboy. And, I guess, the secret of himself. But why now? Why is Harvest suddenly telling his story? And I'm not so sure Scott Lobdell should be telling that story! He's sure to get a bunch of his facts wrong. Like I'm sure he'll have forgotten how many times I said Harvest was futuristic vampire Tim Drake and he'll screw up and make Harvest somebody else!

Also, who are these new people being introduced at the beginning of the comic book?! I want to see fucking Plasmus puke on Superboy some more!

This Colonel guy is Harvest. This is the 30th Century. There is a war between Metas and Normies. This is another alternate fucking timeline story. At least Scott Lobdell realizes he can't keep anything straight in normal continuity so he constantly cheats and makes up timelines that will eventually cease to exist. Colonel Harvest's child, Venn Diaphragm, was the only thing he ever truly loved. His wife was dog shit on his heel compared to his love for his son! But then one day, the Metas kidnapped the child, ate his gonads, and left his body to rot in the sun. The day Colonel Harvest lost his most cherished connection to humanity was the day he made a decision.

The Metas also ate all of his clothing.

But don't think that Colonel Harvest went into this massacre with vile intentions!

Which is why he devised a plan to make young metas fight each other to the death!

I can't believe Scott Lobdell hasn't called something an "omni"-something or other yet. He's omnislacking.

NO! Bad Colonel Harvest! BAD! Scott Lobdell is not good with time travel stories!

Unless Colonel Harvest goes back in time to create Superboy and Superboy is the reason that the metas take over the 30th Century and begin killing everybody, this time travel story is stupid and broken. Oh, guess what? That isn't going to happen because Colonel Harvest comes from a dead future timeline. The "real" future timeline is the one where the Legion of Super-heroes takes place.

Look. I'm taking this whole New 52 thing as literally as possible. DC set it up. They set up the parameters. They wanted to make things more coherent and less confusing. So they're the ones fucking up the whole paradigm by doing so many time travel stories especially since they declared time travel broken early on. You know why time travel was supposed to be off-limits when The New 52 began? Because time travel and alternate timelines is simply another way to make infinite universes and dimensions. The reason Earth 2 is different than Earth Prime? Because somewhere in the past, something happened (Mr. Mind was hungry!) and things went a different way. Earth 2 is merely a different timeline than Earth Prime. That's how you get these 52 alternate Earths. But guess how many alternate Earths there must be in the 30th Century?! The New Billion! Because DC keeps allowing this bullshit and fucking with their own model. Idiots.

Colonel Harvest's timeline stems from a past where Superman and Lois Lane had a child. This child had super super powers because he was born under a yellow sun instead of just migrating to one. He also somehow didn't kick his way out of Lois's womb, killing mother and child before he could be born.

But then the kid "died" because Lois's genes were incompatible with Clark's genes. And Superman became omnisad and omnihid inside his omnifortress. But Colonel Harvest knew the kid could be saved and collected and taken back in time on his slow backwards tour through reality. Or, um, "reality."

I'm not sure how the law works but I think if you take a baby backwards through time, it's technically not kidnapping.

Except Harvest doesn't take him either way through time. He just begins raising him as his own child while Superman and Lois Lane hid in their Fortress of Near Solitude. Colonel Harvest and Jon Kent (JoKe-El, in Kryptonian) defeated all of the metas. But then Jon's cells began rebelling again and Colonel Harvest needed to go back into the past where Superman and Lois Lane could still be found. They were the only chance to heal him. So he went back in time again.

Harvest's super duper abilities are also explained as his making "use of all the amazing technology" he had acquired during his journey through time. I guess he just stuck it all in a backpack. Too bad he didn't have a time bubble. Oh wait! He did! Or he had did? Because he certainly doesn't have one now.

Harvest begins wearing a mask because he apparently doesn't actually look like a vampire red dot faced dick. That's too bad. That was his most interesting aspect. He also creates the clone Superboy out of the DNA of three people although he doesn't say who they're from. I suppose Lois and Superman since the clone is supposed to somehow save Jon someday. Maybe the third strand is from himself since he's desperate to be a father again. Colonel Harvest creates N.O.W.H.E.R.E. to take care of Superboy and then he hides Jon in a dumpster out back until he's ready to be healed.

That's because you're the same person! Colonel Harvest just doesn't know it yet because he's confused and muddled from time travel!

Five years before it happens, Colonel Harvest witnesses Superman kiss Wonder Woman. Somehow that moment makes him realize that time can be changed. Even though that's why he came back in time. To, you know, change it. Wow. He's a fucking genius, that one.

Fucking Scott Lobdell. Different characters are supposed to be different. Stop having every single fucking character you write describe something or other as "so-called".

Anyway, let's return to "NOW". Superboy is still fighting Plasmus as Colonel Harvest watches from afar because he has cameras inside every one of Superboy's cells. Apparently these cameras can pick up astral projections and subliminal thoughts.

Holy shit, you suck at writing comic books, Scott Lobdell.

First off, the Lex Luthor projection never told Dr. Psycho that he was going to reveal the secret of Superboy nor did he actually introduce himself. So Dr. Psycho must know this information because he can read "Next Month in Superboy" tags when they're in the same panel as he is. Lex Luthor actually said, "Finally. I have been waiting for you. It is time for you to learn who you are." Which should mean that Dr. Psycho should have thought Lex had some Secret Origin News about Dr. Psycho himself! And then for Lex's "subliminal thought" to respond? What the fuck is that? And to say that Dr. Psycho misunderstood because they were going to have a tea party investigation and frolic through Superboy discovering the mystery together? This isn't quite as bad as the lead up to nothing that was the Oracle storyline. But it's pretty much crap. It's typical of Lobdell though. If he can't figure out how to continue the story that he wasn't planning anyway, he just dumps it for something else while making up a shit excuse about the previous issue.

Superboy defeats Plasmus as an aside and thinks he might not quite be recovered from the DNA unraveling he caught in Metropolis. And whatever H'el did to Superboy, apparently it began the process that will allow Harvest to utilize Superboy to save Joke-El. Here's what Harvest says about H'el's power initiating the process. It's classic and beautiful.

"I alone know that he's completely unaware H'el's intrusion into Superboy's genome has initiated the process that will finally allow me to reanimate my son."

I love it. Harvest is the only one that knows Superboy is unaware of the process! Pure genius with the languagical skills!

Anyway. There you have it. The Secret Origin of Harvest revealed! I can see Scott Lobdell did a lot of rethinking about the Superboy and Culling storylines to come up with something that is at least coherent in the parameters of a crappy time travel drama.

Superboy #19 Rating: -1 Ranking. I can live with this explanation. At least they fucking finally explained some shit in this comic book. But this is crap that should have been slowly explained all along instead of getting to a place where the story of Superboy and Harvest made no fucking sense so it was time to explicate it somehow. If told across all these issues, it might seem reasonable. But when thrown at the reader in one issue that relies heavily on alternate realities and different timelines, it can only be read as scrambling to finish a project that wasn't started until the night before it was due. And because of that, it doesn't ring true to the previous stories with Harvest. Like why would Harvest have had a Time Bubble? And how come Harvest knows only so much history up until Captain Adym goes back in time? And why would Captain Adym be surprised by Colonel Harvest's identity when he's actually a nobody? Not to mention how could he time travel post-Flashpoint. That I can actually accept though. One guy gets some kind of Chronal Virus or something and slowly travels backward through time? Sure, I can accept my slightly altered take on it.

But basically, I can live with this rewrite where Scott Lobdell had a sudden inspiration to fit it all together so he wedged it into the story and had Harvest overly narrate the entire thing. I hate to though since it involves a Joke-El from an alternate timeline. But who am I to complain when I now have a character I get to call Joke-El?! That's magic! (For those precious few that didn't understand that, "JOn KEnt"? See? JOKE?) The main thing I'm disappointed with is that Harvest is a nobody. I still think he can somehow end up being Tim Drake. It wouldn't be any more complicated than Cable's history! I think.