Action Comics #19

I should probably start guessing at what the big twist is going to be on the 2nd half of the covers. I probably would have guessed Batman!

I don't know anything about Andy Diggle but since he already quit this comic book, it doesn't really matter. What really matters is that the only things I've heard so far are that Tony S. Daniel or Scott Lobdell (perhaps first one, then the other) are going to be taking over the writing duties for this comic book. And that is just horribly sad and depressing news. So far in The New 52, Tony S. Daniel was responsible for The Dark Knight filled with confusing layouts and terrible writing ("Two-Face no longer. You can call me One-Face now!"?). The Savage Hawkman was also confusing and not very interesting although it was Rob Liefeld who really wrecked that one. And I won't go over all the comic books that Scott Lobdell has ruined. But I'm fairly certain I've given him credit for writing one decent scene across all of his books so far. So I'm not very hopeful for the future of Action Comics.

The Action begins one year ago in a bar in Qurac as Lois and Clark are busy with doing actual investigative reporting. Some of you younger kids might not know what that is. It's where the reporters don't just gather in a room to hear the official press release and then everybody reports the press release even if it's obviously all lies and obfuscation. See, in the old days, reporters would hear bullshit and then they'd investigate that bullshit and then they'd put politicians toes to the fire and expose them for the fucktards they really are. Nowadays, the press actually wonder if it's their job to dig out the truth of statements they report on. Fuck them. Fuck them all!

Shouldn't Clark get his own symbol for a Narration Box? Like a pair of glasses? Or a tie? Because that is not fucking Superman speaking there.

I can't tell if Clark is making a joke with that all thumbs thing since most people text using only their thumbs. He is a fairly self-effacing droll character. Plus he's humble! I like how he pretends to hang out at the bar all day while he's really probably helping Lois get the story and save the prisoners as Superman. Or Super Sheik since he probably had to be in disguise.

I suppose this is one year ago since Superman recently lost his job at the Daily Planet in Lobdell's Superman. Because Clark Kent didn't scream like a girl and hide under the bed when the area was bombed the night before, Lois is completely turned on by his brave manliness. I bet if he changed a tire right about now, she'd pull up her skirt and jump on his face. Instead, she tries to take his glasses off and almost discovers his secret identity! But instead of removing his glasses, Clark gets a message to meet a contact and he's off. I bet the contact is Batman!

As soon as Clark is out the door, Lois is hit on by Jon Carroll. I think that's the guy she's dating over in Superman! Unless she was dating him in Action Comics. So basically Clark Kent got Lois all hot but he took off just before she made her move and this other guy swept in and got all of Kent's action. That's a pretty smart move, Jon Carroll! Meanwhile, Clark is out in the alley taking off his clothes all by himself. Yeesh. I bet Batman is going to be surprised!

Superman's contact's note sends him off to a Quraci dock to destroy a cache of weapons. When he arrives, some war machines are waiting for him! I bet Batman set it up to test Superman's strength for future reference!

Why am I so obsessed with Batman being a part of this comic book? Well, who else would Superman trust to find the best information?

Anyway, Superman defeats the War Machines after about nine pages of showing what Superman can do and some of the weapons that throw him off balance. When he's done breaking them apart, he goes to interrogate one of the pilots.

Subdermal thermite? That can't be comfortable.

So that's the big surprise cover? Over in one page? Jimmy Olsen isn't actually Jimmy Olsen? At this point, I have to wonder how much of this comic was actually written by Andy Diggle and how much was just Tony Daniel and Editorial taking over after Diggle walked. Not that I know Diggle's style. But this Jimmy Olsen reveal makes it seem like the cover's big surprise might have been part of a different story. And the fact that nine pages were taken up by a fight scene reminds me of some shitty aspects of early Hawkman. Perhaps the Jimmy Olsen thing will make more sense when I find out who sent these War Machines after Superman.

Lex Luthor appears on the next page probably because he's the one behind it but more probably because he's the one that everyone probably expected to be Superman's "greatest enemy". Except these covers were advertised as WTF Covers and they're supposed to reveal some kind of surprise twist. And Lex Luthor as Superman's enemy is never a surprise!

The cover would have been more shocking if they showed Lex Luthor plotting and then on the flip side show his shrink taking notes.

So Superman is brave and strong and Lex Luthor is smart and manipulative. Got it! I'm ready for these two to go at it now!

Lex Luthor's plot was to stick some nanites in Superman during the battle with the War Machines. Now Lex can recode Superman's DNA at will. Which doesn't really make much sense. But then it's Lex Luthor and he's much smarter than me. More smarter than me? Mostly smarterer than me? Anyway, the nanites decide to change the gene sequences in Superman's hand so that they're the genes of a lizard and then the nanites activate those genes to grow into a lizard hand and then Superman's hand reforms into a lizard hand. That's totally how science works!

You know, if this were just some X-men x-Gene activation, I wouldn't fucking question it at all!

I would have done this to his cock.

Oh, by the way, that was the last panel and it took up two pages. Good old Tony S. Daniel!

There is no back-up story because that story took 25 pages. But usually the $3.99 books are 28 pages! So what does DC do with the final two pages? Well, one page informs the reader that this story continues in Action Comics #20 and #21. Fuck yeah! I was wondering where to find the end of this story! That was worth the wasted fucking page. The next page shows Superman in his Black Suit with a red sun and machines flying in the sky behind him with the tag, "THEN THINGS TO COME...". And then the last page shows an alternate version of the variant cover that shows Lex and Jimmy and Lois and Superman and another woman that didn't make it into this story. Probably because Andy Diggle quit and didn't tell anybody what her role was in the story he was writing.

Action Comics #19 Rating: -1 Ranking. I like that Superman and Lex Luthor are going to face off. But I didn't care for the pacing of this comic book at all. And I'll never give a comic book a good rating when they make me pay for their bullshit ads and looks at variant covers as part of the cover price. Throw those in for free if you want to add extra pages. But don't sell me a 25 page story for a 28 page story price. I was a little more lenient with this early on in The New 52 before I really became comfortable with the standard lengths. But now I have expectations and DC needs to meet those expectations or refund my fucking money! Bastards!