Batman #19

I thought it was going to be the IRS.

Bruce Wayne has had enough time to grieve over Damian. He should be completely back to normal now, dating lots of cheap women and buying up lots of sexy property. I just have a few last questions about the death of Robin. What did Bruce Wayne tell people about Damian's death? According to Channel 52, everybody knows that Robin died. So is anybody asking any questions about how coincidental it was that Robin and Bruce Wayne's son died about the same time? Is anybody investigating Bruce Wayne on child endangerment or neglect charges? Maybe Gordon is going to check it out this issue and that's why he's suddenly become Bruce Wayne's greatest foe. Or else this is just more stupid bullshit like the Jimmy Olsen cover over in Action Comics.

This issue begins with Gordon and all the police that Gotham could spare surrounding a bank being robbed by Bruce Wayne. "It's probably just a guy in a mask!" the astute reader proclaims as he takes another hit of Mountain Dew. "Not so fast!" challenges Scott Snyder as he quickly writes up some dialogue between Bullock and Gordon about having gotten some "lab work" back that proves beyond a snowball's shadow of a doubt in hell that the person inside robbing the bank and killing hostages is definitely Bruce Wayne. "My God! Damian's death must have really cracked him up!" exclaims the reader now thoroughly convinced that this must be Bruce Wayne because science said so! But then some other readers have probably just set down Action Comics utterly disappointed at the whole Jimmy Olsen cock up who are snorting and clucking their tongues and shouting at the walls, "Fuck you, DC! Why am I still buying your comic books after this New 52 bullshit where you shaved off Lawton's mustache and denied Wally West his position as the best Flash ever! You will rue the day! RUE IT!"

I, on the whatever hand I'm on, believe it is Rex Mason and he's gone insane from the imminent death of Element Girl in a future issue of Justice League of America! And the woman he's holding hostage is Sapphire Stagg and she's in on it with him! You have to admit that's more plausible than Bruce Wayne actually perpetrating this crime.

Oh look! Even Jim is beginning to figure it out!

I'm a full step ahead of Jim Gordon because he trusts science. But I know science is full of lying scientists that are just trying to make people who believe in God feel bad. I also don't think Harvey Bullock is very good at reading so he probably read the lab work results incorrectly. It's too bad Gordon puts his trust in science and in Harvey and in his friendship with Bruce Wayne instead of Jesus and/or his gun because it costs him dearly.

I guess we know who is going to be the new Oracle now!

As Gordon is lying on the ground smoking and dying, he notices the Bat Symbol underneath Bruce Wayne's shirt and probably thinks, "For a day with a lot of shocks, that has got to be the biggest of them all!" But it's not! Because the next thing Bruce does is run over Gordon's stomach on his motorcycle. Ha ha! Take that, Commissioner Pig!

That scene ends and the next one begins with the date stamp of Six Days Ago. So now I guess we get to find out why Bruce Wayne is being such a dick and how it all works out in the end and Gordon somehow survives what just happened to him without needing a colostomy bag for the rest of his life.

Six days ago, Batman was fighting with a man named Reaper in the back of a florist's truck. No, no. Six days ago, Batman was watching an old video of himself fighting a man named Reaper in the back of a florist's truck. Robin appears and sniffs the flowers and is then told by Batman that they've been poisoned. But everybody remains calm because super heroes never die and they have plenty of time to take the antidote. Apparently Batman records all of his adventures. He's probably planning to sell them all to Dark Horse Comics when he retires. Alfred comes down to check on him and make sure he isn't training a new boy already.

I don't think Batman has forgiven Alfred yet for allowing Damian to leave the Bat Cave the night Damian died.

Batman learns that an employee of Wayne Industries has recently killed himself and Batman finds it incomprehensible so he looks into the matter. The man, Brian Wade, was recently being investigated on murder charges. The police had plenty of lab work proving that it was him but Batman can't believe it. So now Batman has to investigate and hope he doesn't end up committing a bank robbery and murder and then going home and killing himself!

Batman's investigation turns up some evidence that Wade wasn't in town the week of the murders and it also turns up a guy that looks like Wade. The guy that looks like Wade uses a weapon that looks like a flamethrower. He gets away from Batman, leaving Batman to go back to relying on his lousy detective work. But it's a good thing the Bat Computer does good detective work because it figures out that the blood on Batman's batarang that had been lodged in Wade's skull has trace amounts of Clayface in it. After that, Bruce Wayne gives the readers a lesson on shape-shifters in other cultures before wondering, "Who's DNA will he absorb next?"

Oh! I know how Batman is going to defeat this newly mutated Clayface! Bukkake! The multiple types of DNA splashed on Clayface all at once will cause him to freak out and go into shock whereby he can be crated up and sent to Arkham.

But before that happens, Clayface needs to get Bruce to swallow his DNA tube.

Why do all of these Batman books devolve into semen flinging contests? I guess that's what happens when the super hero's name is a type of phallus. Or a winged rodent, I guess.

Now Clayface has Bruce's DNA and he'll be able to rob banks and shoot Commissioners as Bruce Wayne! I'm not sure how the DNA enables Clayface to change his undershirt into Batman's costume.

The back-up story has Superman paying a visit to Gotham City.

Batman doesn't want to talk about it because eventually Superman is simply going to say, "Why the fuck were you dragging a ten year old into life-threatening situations, you stupid bastard?"

Batman and Superman investigate some Lovecraftian shit going down in The Narrows and eventually run into a sanity draining version of Slimer.

And Batman still won't open up to Superman.

Batman #19 Rating: No change. I should probably go out and buy the Injustice Video Game later and play as Aquaman the entire time simply to enjoy watching him get his ass handed to him by everybody else. Even Green Arrow! That had nothing to do with Batman but what the fuck more can I say about Batman? It's still good. Maybe this title needs Tom DeFalco on it to shake things up a bit and keep me guessing.