Teen Titans #18

Who decided Red Robin's costume needed a huge fanny pack?

Last issue, Red Robin had just introduced his Titans to their new headquarters on a boat in New York. Later that evening, he was possessed by Raven, fucked every member of his team, and then sat in his security monitor room laughing his ass off. I might have gotten some of that incorrect. But that's okay because I'm just the guy reading the comic book. But the guy writing the comic book shouldn't just drop all that stuff, right?

Fucking Scott Lobdell. I'm sure this issue begins in a dream since Tim Drake is crying while sitting in the Batmobile and dead Damian Wayne is telling him to stop being such a bitch. But even as a dream, it's fucking ridiculous. It makes sense that Scott Lobdell can just crowbar this scene into his story since even he doesn't know where any of his stories are going from month to month. So when he ended the issue with Raven taking over Tim Drake, he probably learned that Damian's death would have to be dealt with in his next issue. While other writers already had stories that they probably had outlines for or had written much of when editorial forced them to shoe horn in a page or two mentioning Damian's death, Scott Lobdell has the freedom to write as many pages as he wants dealing with Damian's death because Lobdell probably didn't have any notes for this issue except for "Raven comes to New York. Shit goes down."

I'm not sure how or when Tim found out about Damian's death since he was in Gotham when Damian died. Perhaps he was simply in denial as he traveled back up to New York and it wasn't until Raven made him begin processing his feelings that he was able to have this hallucinatory conversation with Damian.

How many issues has it been where I said I hated Scott Lobdell's writing? He's the worst.

Bullshit! You became a super hero out of arrogance. And obviously Damian is only agreeing with you because he's simply a hallucination.

Tim Drake is actually in the Batcave since Alfred comes down to console him. So I have no fucking idea when this is taking place. I guess we'll get back to Raven later.

One week later to be precise! I'm glad I'm not the guy trying to unravel The New 52 timeline! Canonology can have that job!

Anyway, now that the editorially forced mourning has taken place, it's time to get back to Raven-possessed Red Robin and his multiple sex partners known as the Teen Titans.

Superboy shows up at the yacht even though nobody gave him the new address. Get the hint, asshole. Nobody wants you in their comic book! Come back when you're being written well.

I wonder if this is the first time in a comic book character's history that they're being written and portrayed better in slash fan fiction than in the comic book from the company that actually owns the character? Maybe now that Superboy's DNA has been rearranged by H'el, I'll like him better.

Everyone gets on Superboy's case because he's not using a secret identity and you never know when Deathstroke or the Fearsome Five or the Brotherhood of Evil or The Church of Brother Blood are going to be watching. But nobody gets on Kid Flash's case because he's always in costume since if he doesn't wear his costume, he'll vibrate to death.

Whoops! He's making one right now! Put your costume back on, dumb dumb!

Superboy is allowed to move in but they don't have any more rooms so he'll probably have to bunk with Bunker and Kid Flash. But sleeping assignments come later! First the Teen Titans have their first mission since Red Robin has decided that nobody in the world cares about kids or is tying to protect them so it's all up to him! Why does Scott Lobdell insist on making one of the smartest kids in the DCnU act so fucking stupid?

The team is heading into Belle Reve to save some kids from Kurt Lance and Amanda Waller's horrible clutches.

Meanwhile Dr. Light and his brother are trying to find information on Solstice so they can suck out her life force and cure whichever one of them needs to be cured. What the fuck do I care? I'm tired of trying to understand Scott Lobdell's writing. This might even be the most understandable and well written part of his entire run of Teen Titans and I just don't care anymore! I've been overwhelmed by my hatred of his lazy bullshit. I've tried giving him the benefit of the doubt. He's writing three of DC's titles and I think he's awful. What does DC see in him? Do other professionals read his comic book and think, "I really like what he's doing here. What a fresh new spin on these characters! It's amazing the Gertrude Steinesque way he's disrupting the expected narrative to make the reader feel the teen angst and soul crushing despair of being a know-it-all while filled to the brim with newly experienced hormones! Genius!"

Can I ask one question before The Teen Titans infiltrate Belle Reve Prison? Why does Tim know so much about the Suicide Squad? I know I realized about 17 months ago that no covert team or black ops agency in DC has ever actually been secret no matter how much the writers make characters say the organization is secret. But the Teen Titans were busy with a lot of shit while Amanda was busy trying to follow up on the Titans. It wasn't the other way around! You know what it is? Scott Lobdell couldn't figure out a reason to get the Suicide Squad to fight the Teen Titans, so he just changed what was going on to make the Teen Titans the predators. Or maybe something else happened that made sense. Remember how I stopped fucking paying attention to this comic book? Yeah. I probably missed something important.

Amanda Waller is busy looking for Kurt Lance because he was kidnapped by Regulus during Death of the Family. But Amanda has already found out where Kurt is in the pages of Suicide Squad. So this issue has forced itself to take place before the Suicide Squad goes after Yo Yo's sister. I'm sure Lobdell won't fuck that up later when the Titans begin fighting the Suicide Squad.

As the Teen Titans infiltrate Belle Reve, Red Robin goes over the members of the Squad. So he even knows the fucking Squad's roster, does he?! He's so smart!

As the alarms sound in Belle Reve, Harley, Deadshot, and Killer Shark run from their cells to defend the prison. Why don't they have locks on their cells? Why are they acting like the guards in the prison? They're supposed to go on suicidal missions, not protect the place. Why is Deadshot so fucking interested in getting them into action? I guess if there's a possibility he might die, he'd be super excited about it. And then King Shark is yammering on and on. I think he speaks more words in two panels than he's spoken in 18 issues of the Suicide Squad. And he's really excited about the break-in as well! I guess since last time Belle Reve had a break-in, King Shark had a nice bit of Grifter appetizer. So he might just be hungry.

So it makes sense because I might as well believe that Tim Drake could figure out who Kurt Lance was and his connection to Amanda Waller and her running a super secret organization out of Belle Reve because why would Amanda be careful about any of that information? Besides, Red Robin trained with Batman! That should stop any questions. Except for one! How the fuck did Amanda Waller know about their trip to "Mystery Island"?

Waller tells the Squad to stop protecting the prison because the Teen Titans are now leaving. She and Red Robin came to an agreement that I very much doubt is going to be explained in this issue. Probably because even Scott Lobdell doesn't know what it is. He just needed a way to tie up the Kurt Lance and Amanda Waller following the Teen Titans story because he never could come up with a reason for Amanda wanting them. When Amanda sends the Titans on their way, she tells Red Robin, "You only think you won today." Won what?! Was there a contest? Am I supposed to believe that Amanda only wanted to "question" the Teen Titans all of this time?

I don't care how smart Tim Drake is. This whole bit about him hunting down the Suicide Squad and forcing Amanda into a position she doesn't want to be in is bullshit. Unless he had information about Amanda and Kurt's daughter Havana (the one I made up but I guarantee exists! Trust me!), she should have just shot him in the face and buried him in the courtyard.

And then Trigon appears.

As if Scott Lobdell knew what was going to happen when this art was completed.

Teen Titans #18 Rating: -1 Ranking. Hey Scott! Learn to write a complete story! Your fucking cliffhangers aren't cliffhangers when none of your readers believe you have the writing chops to plan anything. This story is basically a one shot where the Titans face off against the Suicide Squad. But then you never fucking resolve the story. And you probably never will! My guess is that Lobdell has no fucking clue what Tim Drake's deal was with Amanda. But now he can bring in the Squad or use Amanda when he gets stuck telling some other story. And it'll appear that Tim Drake knew months ahead of time that he would need the Squad or Amanda to perform just this right thing at just this right time. You know, the way Harvest could do. Oh my God! I just realized something! Tim Drake is Harvest!