Monday, April 29, 2013

Katana #3

I thought the second half of the cover would say "...while sodomizing her dog is just fucked up, man."

I have no comment about The Creeper oozing out of Katana's broken katana because I'm hoping that this cover is a big lie and none of it actually takes place.

At the end of last issue, Katana was being dragged back to Gotham City by Steve Trevor to deal with Catwoman. But I haven't read Catwoman because Catwoman references Justice League of America #3. Justice League of America #3 seems to be the first of DC's comics to be delayed. Hopefully Katana will just continue along in this comic book as if her trip to Gotham never even happened. Nocenti isn't a very good writer so it's possible she forgot Katana even went on that interlude, even though Nocenti is also writing Catwoman. When a writer fucks up causality enough times, I can't begin to guess what they're going to write next.

The issue begins with some dragon guy entering town because he wants Katana's katana. This guy probably isn't Killer Croc which means it's possible he's Fin Fang Foom's DC Cousin from the Speedy and Starfire issues of DC Universe Presents. Or maybe he's an entirely new dragon/crocodile/alligator villain. This may be racist to scaly skinned reptile people but they all look alike to me.

That part was a little bit confusing because I don't know who the dragon guy is. But at least I know he wants Katana's sword because it killed the last dragon a long time ago. But the next part is just stupid. Katana is working the sake bar run by her landlady. Apparently the sake bar is also a bowling alley. Well that's got to be fucking annoying! I'm pretty sure Katana's apartment is next door to this place. That isn't the confusing part though.

Some guy named Two Pin forces another guy in a business suit to drink. They then mention something is going down at a boat graveyard concerning The Dagger Clan but neither of them mention what it is. And then Two Pin gets up to go bowling telling the business suit guy to continue drinking alone even though he never drinks. It's at that point when the landlady sends Katana to follow Two Pin into the backroom so Katana can "earn her keep." So Katana goes in the bowling alley and throws a bowling ball on Two Pin's feet. And then the scene changes.

Why the fuck does any of this happen?!

After this nonsense, Tatsu buys a spiral sword like Coil's sword. On her way home, the Drunken Master takes the sword from her and teaches her how to use it. Now she just has to practice for ten thousand hours to master it.

This makes no sense. She already defeated Coil but then she let him go to run around the San Francisco Zoo like a fucking idiot. I guess she knew she couldn't win unless it was with the stupid fucking slinky sword.

After Katana fails at learning to control the Slinky Sword, she makes a raid on the Dagger Clan using the information about the vague something that she got from the drunk guy that deserved to have his feet smashed by a bowling ball for some reason. And what's her goal on this raid? To "fight them to judge their numbers and skills." A lot of villains like to use this plan! They attack a super hero simply to find out the hero's strength and tactics.

I hate this fucking plan. Stop fucking attacking people you're not sure you can defeat only to find out if you can defeat them! Or to get information so that you can defeat them the next time you attack them. It's one of the many stupid fucking plots that comic books should shove in a vault and throw away the door knob. The problem with this stupid plan is that if you can defeat the enemy, then fucking defeat the enemy immediately. You don't need to judge their strength because you'll defeat them as you're judging them. But the other reason it's stupid is that if you can't defeat them while you're judging their strength, they're going to defeat you and your whole plan is over. Say the plan does work and you do get the information on their tactics and get away. Guess what? They just saw your tactics too! Sure, you could have been using false tactics but then you don't know what their style of fighting and their strengths are against your real tactics so you haven't gotten much information anyway.

Katana gets into the fight with the Dagger Clan and quickly learns that they don't have invulnerable shins. She cripples a bunch of them immediately and makes some stupid assumptions as to how they'll act. And then she learns something very important about their numbers and skills: they're better than she is with the amount of them there are.

Why does he say this? Is it sexual innuendo? Does he actually want her to work as a waitress in one of his bars? If that's it, how does he know she's a waitress since he can't know this is the woman that threw a bowling ball at him earlier.

Killer Croc (yes, it's Killer Croc) climbs aboard the ship and saves Katana from the Dagger Clan which he hired to lure her here. But he just wants her sword so I'm not sure why he doesn't just let them kill her.

Oh yeah. Because even Killer Croc believes that stupid bullshit about Crocodiles preferring rotten meat. Fuck you, Ann Nocenti. All you do is fill your comic books with stupid facts and you can't even get those right.

Killer Croc manages to bite Katana's sword, shattering it so that the surprise ending isn't actually a surprise because it was on the cover as a surprise. And apparently The Creeper that is ejected from the shattered sword claims to have been acting as Katana's husband all along. That's the worst lie ever. Since a bunch of other souls also escaped, it's obvious the sword actually does steal souls. And since all the souls in the sword would have heard Katana speaking to Maseo, any one of them could claim that they were pretending to be Maseo when Katana heard the sword talking back.

Who is The Creeper going to possess with Jack Ryder having become monster food in The Phantom Stranger?

Katana #3 Rating: -2 Ranking. I'm sure Maseo's soul is still in the broken blade. And the blade will be fixed by The Drunken Master since Katana realized earlier that he smelled like a blacksmith and he lied about making trinkets and bells. Also, Ann Nocenti is a worse writer than Scott Lobdell. This comic book is some of the smelliest excrement I've ever witnessed in my life full of various encounters with excrement. This one is the worst. Even worse than a toilet bowl the morning after Jalapeno and LinguiƧa Pizza night.

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