The Fury of Firestorm: The Nuclear Men #19

I knew his other problem was the Bureau of Bureaucratic Assassins!

Judging by the cover, it looks like I got three of the identities of the shadowy figures right: Killer Frost, Black Bison, and Plastique. And maybe I got four right if that Hyena guy is actually Jurgen's version of The Weasel! But then, all I had to do was vomit forth a bunch of Firestorm's traditional enemies! Anybody who wasted their youth reading Firestorm comic books could have done the same thing.

Last issue ended with Firestorm believing he had just saved his mom from Multiplex's trap. What he didn't know was that this trap came in multiple parts and now he was going to have to face the 2000 Committee. Or the Bureau of Bureaucratic Assassins. Or whatever Reboot name Firestorm's rogues' gallery decided to take.

Turns out the Hyena guy I thought might be The Weasel is actually The Hyena. Seems like an appropriate foe for Firestorm.

The Hyena wants Firestorm dead. Black Bison wants him to research his power so they can learn to wage war better. Killer Frost insists on making temperature related puns. And Plastique has yet to be introduced as she just stands around in the background gawking. Firestorm simply wants to get his mother to safety. But he winds up dropping her due to Bison's mystic winds and he crashes into the bay and gets knocked out. Will Jason Rusch finally learn that he can control Firestorm when Ronnie Raymond is unconscious?

Jason's father and Tonya, the girl Jason is pretending to be in love with, are racing to the warehouse where the battle is taking place. Tonya is a bit of a genius and has traced Ronnie's mom's cell phone to the docks. And since Firestorm might not be powerful enough to save her, the high-school girl and the one-armed man are coming to save the day.

After the cut scene, Ronnie wakes up to Jason yelling inside his head. I guess Jason just has to sit by in his incorporeal state and watch as they die if Ronnie is ever unconscious and in mortal danger. Can't Jason at least end the merge himself and then rescue the unconscious Ronnie from danger? That would make more sense than watching Ronnie drown while yelling at him to wake up.

While underwater, Ronnie meets another eyeshadow enthusiast.

After his brief foray underwater, Firestorm returns to land to dump Hyena in the bay and grab his mom. But before they can escape, Killer Frost freezes them to the docks. Firestorm can't alter the ice and Jason believes it's because it might have some kind of organic component. But, um, Firestorm can still generate heat, right? He should still be able to melt it without worrying about transmuting it. Right? Unless Killer Frost should be called Killer Polycarbonate Mixed With Some Organic Component. And, well fuck, that should melt too with extreme heat! Although I guess getting the heat high enough to melt plastic would probably kill Ronnie's mom at the same time.

Meanwhile, Plastique still hasn't been introduced properly and really hasn't shown her face since looking confused during the initial reveal.

What was Ronnie's mom, the racist, about to call killer frost? "Bisexual beauty"? "Bigoted hussy"? "Bipartisan cow"?

Watching the battle from a top secret secret war room of secrecy, General Eiling watches the battle. But he's tired of just watching the battle! He wants to win the battle! But a battle can't be won simply by watching the battle. One must participate in the battle if one wants Firestorm's head to eventually end up on a platter at one's feet! So he sends in his super secret agent of secrecy because Dan Jurgens just loves showing shadowy figures to be revealed later. I get the feeling Dan Jurgens is the kind of guy that makes love for hours, constantly keeping his companion at the edge of sexual ecstasy, teasing and teasing until his partner can't take anymore, grows bored, and stops reading his fucking comic books.

Luckily the 2000 Committee can't help fighting amongst themselves and Multiplex stops Killer Frost from killing Ronnie's mom. And then Jason comes up with a plan to free Firestorm from the ice! But I have to scan it in if you want to know how the plan worked because I haven't got a fucking clue.

By making eye contact with Multiplex, it caused a metaphysical link between all eighteen souls in the two different bodies which overloaded the biochemical circuits in Firestorm's pituitary gland which enabled him to fire a blast from his hand and into Multiplex's right kidney causing the organic ice to shatter into a majillion pieces.

After Firestorm frees Ronnie's mom, Typhoon nearly drowns them both. It's at this point in the battle that Ronnie's mom is having serious regrets about having children. And now that Multiplex is full of Firestorm hormones, he's turned into four copies of himself all with super strength. Multiplex has done the math and realizes that if he makes fifteen of himself, they're all at normal human strength. So I think I overestimated the amount of souls in Multiplex's body by one!

After Firestorm finally defeats Multiplex for good, the final member of the Bureau of Bureaucratic Assassins introduces herself.

Zings? What ze fuck are zose?

As Plastique promises (and possibly why she's told to remain in the back where she can't hurt anybody), everything fucking explodes. Firestorm. Ronnie's mom. Multiplex. Hyena. Killer Frost. Typhoon. Black Bison. Plastique. Everything! BWHOOOM! Gigantic fireball! And Jason's dad and Tonya arrive just in time to see the explosion. Luckily they stopped a block away so they could run through the streets slowly instead of continuing to drive. Perhaps they ran out of gas. After the explosion, a burning fireball of a person crashes down on Jason's dad's car. And Tonya the medical expert makes a snap judgment call on the condition of the victim.

Well, I guess that's that then! The Final Battle will be between Tonya, Jason's Dad, and General Eiling's Secret Man of Secrecy. Since, you know, they're the only people left alive.

The Fury of Firestorm: The Nuclear Men #19 Rating: No change. I can't believe how quickly the romance in this book took a back seat to constant action. I guess strong bonds are formed in battle, so once Jason and Ronnie have some downtime, maybe they'll be able to lose themselves in each other. They were married in the Zero Issue and I don't think they've even had their first kiss yet! Disappointing.