Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Batgirl #19

I guessed the 2nd half would say, "Will Batgirl have to kill?" Close enough. Although this "ultimate crime" might refer to incest, so then I wasn't close at all!

The Following are Excerpts of Batgirl's Daily Life as Seen Through Various Notes To and From Barbara and the People in Her Life.

Dear Barbara Barbara Gordon,

Stop writing inane shit inside of me. I've had it up to my penultimate page with your Batgirl fantasies and problems with your lack of males lips and tongues all over you. You're a hot, nubile young woman. Why aren't these pages filled with random encounters of hot young Gotham studs? Are you frigid? Are you a prude? Perhaps you're mentally ill and truly do think you're Batgirl. Well you know what? Until you get some juicy sex stories, some real panty wetters, I refuse to let you write in me any more. I'm flushing the remaining pages into the toilet so you can no longer abuse me with your rambling bullshit.

Truly Yours,
Your Diary.

P.S. Sorry about overflowing your toilet. Who knew you couldn't flush down a ream of paper at one time? I've convinced Alysia to clean it up for me and take care of the sopping clothes. Sorry. Sorry!

Dear Alysia,

Stop eating everything out of me! I'm tired of you running your tongue along the crisper to pick up any crumbs that have fallen down from higher shelves. And the face you make shoving it all in as you lean halfway into me? Nauseating! But mostly please stop eating all of the ice cream snacks in the boxes in the freezer that have clearly been labeled with post-it notes of Batgirl's face and waggling finger which say, "Batgirl says only you can prevent fat roommates from eating seriously sexy and barely chunky at all roommate's ice cream sandwiches!" Perhaps you would prefer some of those nice fruits sitting on the counter across the way? And perhaps water that doesn't belong to anybody to wash it down instead of the Diet Coke with the Batman stickers on it which say, "Batman always says: 'Drink your own soda! Don't be Dick!'" Which is kind of funny when you think about how Batman was a Dick for a full year! Oh wait. Never mind that part, Alysia. Thanks for listening!

With Much Caring and Love,
The Refrigerator

Dear Babs,

Can you please stop standing on me? Every day, it hurts more and more. Let me provide you with a simple mathematical equation that you can do each morning that will prevent the need to stand on me every morning with shower water running out of your hoo-ha and all over my face. "Weight + 5 = Today's Weight." Just do that every morning and let me rest in peace while I fantasize about Alysia's luscious, naked body mounting me later in the evening. Thanks for being so sweet!

Kisses and Mild Hostilities,
The Bathroom Scale

Dearest Alysia,

What on God's Blue Marble have you been eating every day?! The other bathroom fixtures are beginning to blame me for the horrible, gag inducing smells that permeate the bathroom on a twice daily basis. I try my best to flush down the colossal mound of barely solid putrefaction you explode into my bowl, but I just can't get it down fast enough. You have to realize there's a problem when even the pillowcases in Bab's room retain the wretched odor from your over-sized bowel movements. The fact that the stink can...oh my GOD ALYSIA HAVE YOU BEEN FARTING ON MY PILLOWS?!

Vomiting Up Breakfast,
The Toilet

Dear Barbara,

I understand telling Alysia all about how The Joker once crippled you and then the Joker came back to cripple you and that your brother is a homicidal maniac was difficult, but did you have to eat the whole tray of cookies while you did it?! Alysia had some pretty emotionally vulnerable stuff to get off her chest as well and she would have liked to have consoled herself with a few of the cookies she made with her own two hands for her one single stomach. I suppose it's okay though since you need the extra calories to maintain that sturdy frame you're carrying around.

Not Judging Too Much,
The Cookie Tray

To Whom It May Concern (Mostly Alysia),

Babs is sorry she had to rush out and fight imaginary crime immediately after you revealed you were transgender but she really doesn't want you to think it was because she was feeling awkward or weird, especially since your pussy was in her lap. It's just that she has a bunch of other secrets that she's not willing to tell you because it could compromise some other very important flying rodents in the rest of the city and she can't take responsibility for that. She just wants you to know that you guys are cool and she may have said something about how the only thing she's disappointed with is that she can't borrow your pants because they just fall right off of her.

Lots of Love,
Babs' Cell Phone

To: Barbara Gordo,

I'm pretty sure when you said you couldn't borrow an article of Alysia's clothing because it kept falling off, you meant me.

Alysia's Bra.

Dear Diary,

Alysia can't know what happened tonight. I still need to protect her from knowing my secret identity. Luckily she just thinks I have an infatuation with the idea of being another person. My brother tried to kill me tonight and he almost succeeded. But then he threatened Alysia and since she's the best character in the universe, and because it would be my responsibility for not hiding my identity well enough, I couldn't let him kill me. Mom was there. He wanted to hurt the whole family. But then mom shot him and he still didn't go down. And he nearly cracked my skull. And then he had a knife to mom's throat. And I just needed my family to be safe. My whole family. Mom. Dad. Alysia. Alaska. Dick. Dick's dick. Everyone safe. That was all I needed at that moment and so I took the shot.

What's the opposite of an oracle? Someone who talks about the past? A historian? Someone who hides the future? The Obfuscator?

But even sending James to his watery grave (which he will, eventually, crawl back out of. So I don't know why I'm kicking myself about murdering somebody! Villains never stay dead!) wasn't the worst part of the night. Dad came to the family meeting. Dad saw what Batgirl did. And now Dad thinks Batgirl is a heinous murderer. I wish I could just tell him my secret identity! But the first thing he'll do is grab a shotgun and go after Batman for contributing to the delinquency of a minor! Well, and I don't write this lightly Diary (in fact I'm going to press down really, really hard as I write it): FUCK.

Batgirl #19 Rating: +2 Ranking. I really like the fact that Simone is going to be highlighting Alysia a fuckload more because you don't make a minor character transgender and then forget about her. And Alysia is my favorite character in the DCnU! I've been claiming that since she first appeared, all y'all jumping on the Alysia Yeoh bandwagon! Well shit. The more the merrier, I guess! Let's get this bandwagon rocking! And then maybe puking. And then it'll have to take a bunch of aspirin and sleep in late. I'm not really keen on Batgirl being seen as an enemy of her father's but I do hope the James Jr. future storylines kick ass when he comes back in a wheelchair. Or with cyber-legs. Or spliced onto the back of a water buffalo.

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