Tuesday, April 23, 2013

DC Universe Presents #19: Beowulf

Yay! Beowulf!

I hope Beowulf gets his own full Earth so he can be written like an Elseworlds comic book. Although the way DC is handling future, alternate timelines so poorly, it hardly matters. I guess Beowulf can take place wherever the fuck he wants whether or not his time actually exists or comes to pass or whatever. I think I've hit my quota on ranting about DC's alternate timelines. Although maybe this won't be an alternate timeline at all! Maybe this will be the Beowulf's creation which will lead everyone down the path that eventually ends up in the future dystopia seen in the Beowulf back-up stories in Sword of Sorcery. I'd much prefer that to be the actual future of Earth Prime over the Legion of Super-heroes' future.

The issue begins with a scientist named Gwen Pierce futzing around with a Bronze Age object from the future with properties to enable the user to catch glimpses of other worlds. Yay! Beowulf is from another world! I wish more of The New 52 comic books were following characters from Beowulf's world! We could have The Grendel and Tales of Hrothgar and Chupacabra and Beowulf's Sex Dungeon and Mother Machine's Monster Men and A.R.G.U.S. (Armored Radical Goats Usurping Sapiens) and Batman of Earth 26 (because I'm giving Earth 26 to Beowulf because it's the best world!). I wish I lived on a different Earth or in a different timeline where my DC Comics' fantasies were the reality!

By bathing the Torc in Spectralchemical Unuents, Gwendolyn causes a beast called the Puta to transfer from Earth 26 to Earth Prime. Not long after the Puta arrives and turns into a mirror image of Gwen, Beowulf appears in a fwash of vagina.

Is it sexist of DC to have a vagina exploding sound effect and not a penis exploding sound effect? Or is the penis exploding sound effect simply, "SPLURT!"?

To identify whether or not Earth Prime's Gwendolyn is not actually the Puta, Beowulf gives her a sniff. That seems about right! He says, "You smell human enough but your garb marks you as a sorceress." She's wearing a lab coat and a skirt. So that seems about right as well! Beowulf believes he's in a castle where the Puta must be stopped. And he kind of is.

Did this just turn into a comedy? And why is Green Lantern being so threatening in that Museum Justice League Exhibit Hanging?

The Puta escapes the museum and begins fucking with Superman's reputation by manhandling a police officer. That's all Superman needs right now! More people not trusting him! Especially since Scott Lobdell is writing Superman and Lobdell's only philosophical attitude toward writing Superman is the dichotomy of "Is he a Hero?" or "Is he the first wave of an alien invasion to conquer Earth?"

Are we supposed to be impressed? I'm pretty sure most people can follow the Puta by its scent.

Before Gwendolyn continues on with Beowulf, she insists on learning his story because she hasn't been reading Sword of Sorcery. Shame! That's probably why it was canceled, Dr. You Probably Read Teen Titans and Superboy. After defeating Grendel's mother, Beowulf realized he hadn't defeated Grendel's mother. She created the Puta to beguile Beowulf. But knowing that Beowulf was too powerful for her creations, she decided to exile him from Earth 26 by using the Torc. Now Beowulf's only chance of returning home is the scientist/sorceress (I hope she goes home with him!). But first he must defeat the Puta.

Meanwhile the Puta doesn't quite understand pop culture.

"Why do you laugh at me?! I am king of the ocean! I speak to fish! I swim really, really well!"

Beowulf shows up and finishes the Puta in two strokes. After that, it's back to the Museum and back to Earth 26 with a new sidekick, Sorceress Gwendolyn!

They're back just in time for Beowulf to destroy the Phallus!

DC Universe Presents #19: Beowulf Rating: +1 Ranking. I hope DC realizes Tony Bedard has a superb world vision here and they allow him to expand on it in the future. I think this was the last issue of DC Universe Presents. While this comic book had its problems (highlighting characters from shitty comics and keeping them fairly shitty and story arcs that went far too long for a comic used to highlight various characters), I liked that DC had a place to showcase currently unused characters. Of course they often chose to showcase characters in team books which was always disappointing. I really think this book would have worked much better if it were $3.99 without a back-up story and each story arc should have gone no more than two issues at most. I think that would have encouraged people to pick up the title even when they weren't completely interested in the character, like Challengers of the Unknown. I think that arc might have been the death knell for this comic. Overall, I thought the story was well done and entertaining, providing a good jumping off point for the characters in the Reboot. But it went on far too long for anybody not interested in checking them out. One issue? People might have purchased it and then stuck around for the next character. But it went three issues after Deadman began with a huge five issue story. That's eight months of comic books avoided by people that don't care about Deadman or the Challengers. Oh well. I'm sure DC will come out with SHOWCASE 2014 next January. I'll be up for that!

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