Voodoo #12

The final battle? And since Voodoo says fighting is just like stripping...Oh boy! This issue is going to be fanboytastic!

In last issue, entitled "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Europa", all of the key figures in the comic book had found themselves on Jupiter's icy moon. None of them seemed to care that the Obelisk had said to leave Europa alone. They just went ballooning and mad dashing and space shipping and flying all over the place looking for the fabled Blue Flame. Helspont needed somebody to retrieve the Blue Flame for him so he could refuel his head. But the Blue Flame wouldn't be so easy to nab! It was guarded by an army of Space Orks and two gigantic statues based on Roman soldiers.

Now the Space Orks had been avoiding the cave of the Blue Flame for centuries because the Roman Statues would smash them into Orc-Habanero Jam whenever they got too close. But that didn't stop Voodoo because she wields the power of Strip Fighting! She made it past and was just about to recover the Blue Flame when Priscilla her Evil Twin arrived to stop her. Pris got past the Centurions because they were busy genociding the Space Orks.

And now it's time for the exciting (possibly not exciting) conclusion of Voodoo, the best comic of The New 52 (possibly not even close to the best comic).

Oh, I don't know. I think there are a lot of single mothers and young girls working their way through college who might understand.

Voodoo begins the comic by thinking back to how hard her life had been doing Daemonite undercover work. I'm not exactly sure how being a stripper helped her gather information on all of Earth's superheroes. She simply would have learned that Green Arrow is grabby and Clark Kent is a lousy tipper.

Priscilla remembers that her life was shitty too! But hers was extra shitty because she was being held captive by The Black Razors after she'd been held captive and experimented on by the Daemonites. And she didn't even have a mission to keep her focused on other things. All she could focus on was revenge against someone. Eventually that someone became Voodoo which led her to punching Voodoo's face on Europa.

Voodoo is a bit meaner so instead of just punching Pris back she tries to tear her whole goddamned face off.

Another idiot that thinks Europa is a planet! I bet Voodoo knew a few strippers named Europa.

Pris doesn't want to kill Voodoo. She wants to rescue her because she sees her as the family she's always wanted. But she'd kind of be her sister and who wants a sister? My own sister was a selfish terror for most of my life growing up. She treated me like shit, constantly hit me, and did anything she wanted with no consideration for me or my feelings. Until one day when I was in 10th Grade and she was in 12th (yes, yes. It took me until I was fifteen to realize I didn't have to put up with this shit!) and I was watching Lionel Richie's "Hello" video on MTV (yes, yes, yes again. That video (along with Phil Collin's "Take a Look at Me Now" and Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart") understood my poor, breaking, young adolescent heart so well. Shut up. Anyway, I was watching the video when she came along and switched the channel. I yelled and whined and screamed and she just laughed and lay on the couch and just didn't fucking care. So I grabbed the remote control and punched her in her upper left arm. Not once. Not twice. Fuck if I know how many times I punched her over and over again. I shift in power was a palpable thing. Like an ancient black magic ritual had finally been completed, reality cracked and the sky broke open. It may have been my super villain origin that day. But I didn't just discover that I actually had some power in that relationship. My sister also became nicer and more caring. Maybe it was simply motivated by fear and terror but what the fuck did I care at that point? She was leaving me alone!

A few days later at school, some senior named Alex who loved Rush and sat next to me in Geometry lectured me about hitting girls because he saw the giant black bruise on my sister's shoulder. I allowed him the moment of righteousness because he just didn't understand the reign of terror I had lived under for so long. He couldn't see the golden light beaming out of the crack I'd opened up in the sky to bathe me in a resplendent golden aura of protection. I didn't blame him for seeing a different reality. And I didn't argue with him either. He was just a poor simpleton who loved Rush over Poison! What an idiot! (Yes, yes, yes, yes! I know! What a fucking tool I was!)

Back to Voodoo and Pris's fight, it never really went anywhere. At some point, they end up in a psychic space where they can actually speak with each other without throwing fists. I guess that's what it takes in the DC Universe to get two people to actually have a conversation. They have to be in a space where physical violence is disallowed.

It's a non-physical plane which accounts for all of the stair climbing that has to be done.

I don't really know a lot about the Daemonites but I think Voodoo's comment about them needing to involve is telling. Of course creatures need to die to evolve. Okay, technically that's not true. But they do have to reproduce sexually. You know, with two partners! Or three, if you're lucky. The dying is just a matter of keeping things fresh and romantic. So why don't Daemonites evolve? Are they a race created in a lab based on specific templates, like for Scouts and Warriors and such? If that's the case, they may not be able to evolve but can't they be made better through gene therapy? Oh! I guess that's why Voodoo mentions later that she and Pris "represent the evolution of their species." So it makes sense that they're created in a lab and not created through reproduction. But how would dying help them evolve? Perhaps it's just one of those prophecies that's not divine but created by a group with an agenda to change the basic power structure of the current regime (you know, like all prophecies!).

Helspont believes the change needs to happen and he's ready to destroy the Daemonites. But he also just wants revenge on the entire race, so his motivations aren't exactly pure. But he wants to take over Earth in the process. The rest of the Daemonites just want to take over Earth because they believe it will help them reach the next stage in their development because it has such a high propensity for creating super heroes. Either way, the Earth is fucked.

After Pris and Voodoo are separated from their mindscape, Voodoo calls Pris a liar. Apparently Voodoo doesn't subscribe to the notion that a person cannot lie in pure mind space! It doesn't matter if I just made that notion up or not. Voodoo still doesn't subscribe to it. She shoves Pris away and grabs the Blue Fire! Or Blue Flame! Or Blue Blazes. Apparently it doesn't make her the super woman she wants it to because she's knocked out by the nearly dead Mol Stone. His minions drag her away and he dies. leaving the Blue Thing for Pris. Then she and Alex make their escape.

Someone was up late watching Raiders of the Lost Ark while finishing the Voodoo script!

The team (minus those jokers Finch and Wanker) make it back to the ship and Voodoo commands it to take off. They've escaped and they didn't even invoke the wrath of the ancient black obelisk. Lucky! Pris can no longer feel Voodoo in her head. Apparently when their mental link was broken earlier, it was completely destroyed. Lincoln and his Black Hawks Razors failed to capture Voodoo but they did recover the Blue Thing so that Helspont couldn't get his hands on it. They all head back to Earth while Voodoo remains a captive on Europa. My guess is that she'll soon be the leader of the Europan Space Ork camp. Stormwatch will probably have to kick her ass in a few months.

Back on Earth, Pris has some choices to make.

"So Lincoln, what do we do now?" "Oh, well, we can...." "No, fuck you and your cancelled Black Hawks. I'm heading over to the soon to be cancelled Grifter!"

Pris continues to train with the Black Razors while Lincoln heads off to hand over the Blue Thing to some secret shadowy individual. The figure says, "We'll be sure to put it to good use," so it must be part of a team. It's too muscular and doesn't have a cigarette in its hand, so it's not Constantine. It could be Superman but I think he'd say something about keeping it safe over putting it to good use. It might be going to a member of Team 7. That's probably the best bet since I'd expect it to go to a government black ops organization and they're not handing this thing over to Suicide Squad.

And then on Europa...

Well that was fast.

Voodoo #12 Rating: No change. I'm not sure this comic received a fair shake. Perhaps it wasn't selling well under the first writer, Ron Marz, but to have editorial hear another writer has a good idea so they allow him to come in and ignore the first six issues or so, change the whole characterization of Voodoo, kill off all of the characters from the first arc, and create a whole new agenda should never be the answer. DC's editorial staff simply has no respect for their readership. How dare we get stories with consistent characters that build off of past stories to create a cohesive and interesting world? No, no. Instead, let's do whatever we can to make our entire Universe seem more realistic even at the expense of good storytelling. I understand a comic needs to make money for it to stay on the shelves but I can't belabor the point enough: good stories and good art sell fucking comic books. I'll see you in Issue #0, Voodoo, so I can learn the secret origin of how you became a stripper!

Superman #12

More Hentai! Look at those tentacles fuck that portal!

Last issue, Superman has his super ass handed to him by a Predator. Now Superman doesn't have anything to be ashamed of since a lot of people have been beat up by Predators. He might feel a little bit embarrassed that it's 2012 and he's in a Versus Predator comic book. It's interesting that the Predator hasn't made a cover though. Perhaps Dark Horse does retain the rights to Predator which is why he hasn't appeared on the cover. What Dark Horses' lawyers don't know can't hurt DC!

It's possible that the Predator from last issue is the Gobot version. It's the cheap knock off that unfeeling bastard parents bought you at K-mart because it looked close enough to them.

My Mother: "Look at all of these transforming robots! They're all so expensive."
My Mother: "Oh, look at this little one. It must be a baby Transformer. And it's much cheaper! I'll get him this guy."
Me after opening the Gobot: "Oh look. A Gobot. Thanks mom. Now I have a car that looks like a robot which can turn into a robot that still looks like a car."
My Mother: "You're welcome!"
Me: "Razzafrazzin argle bargle mutter mutter mutter."

Life in Metropolis continues as normal while Clark has mysteriously disappeared overnight.

How did Jimmy manage to hide his erection wearing simply a towel? How do I know he had one? He's talking to a woman while wearing only a towel!

Now how does this work? Lois ran off to cover the Russia story and returned home a few hours later. Why is that? Was the part where Superman suddenly showed up at the scene of the catastrophe not worth covering? Or did Lois just find out she couldn't get any information out of any of the dead Russians on the scene? The living ones were all busy yelling at Superman to give interviews. It just seems odd that the catastrophe at the Russian site would set all of their cell phones to ringing but Superman making an appearance wouldn't keep at least Lois on the story all night.

My actual guess is that Lois's early night home is related to my first thought on the subject: why did they all have to rush off to report on some event in Russian? I'm sure Lois arrived at The Daily Planet and found no other information was available. She probably made a bunch of calls to Russian contacts for a few hours, came up with nothing, and went home.

Clark never came home though because he was busy getting the scoop on the Russian Facility's catastrophe!

Why is it milking Superman's crotch?

Okay, so the thing has a tail. That means it's a Predator Gobot. But you're not fooling anybody, Dan Jurgens! Everything in several miles around where it arrived was dead. It's fast, deadly, and can turn invisible (I'm making an assumption about that since Superman couldn't see it when he scanned the town even though he saw every dead human and their pets). It's also loaded with weapons and has a Predator mask complete with dreads. Although looking at it in the above panel, I think it might be half Predator, half Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

Superman watches as Leonardo da Predator uses the equipment inside the nuclear reactor to open a gateway. Superman jumps to a conclusion he might not have jumped to if he only knew the title of this story is "Home."

Maybe it didn't like being rudely ripped out of its dimension, Superman? Maybe it's just scared and frightened and fighting for its own survival until it can get home? You're just as paranoid as the Russians who wanted to keep you out of their business.

Superman breaks free and instead of attacking Predatoratello, he waits until the creature notices he's escaped. It's at that moment that he launches his mediocre surprise attack!

Meanwhile, the Russians are enacting Plan B-Z (basically, the only plan they have when Plan A flips them off, yells, "I hate you both!", and stomps out of the house in its big, angry, rebellious boots): Nuke the area!

Back to the action part of the comic as opposed to the men wondering how they can bury their fuck-up underneath piles of lies and roentgens, Michaelpredatorelo has been speaking actual gibberish in his "Old Portugese [sic]" language. I bet the editors finally cracked down on the letterer making (Gobot) Predator quote fucking Sheldon and Disney Fairy Godmothers. Superman's translator doesn't seem to work on DC's fake language, so he just says the usual shit as he pummels the alien: "I wasn't really trying before!" and "I underestimated you!" and "I'm just as fast and powerful as you are! Nyah!" Superman might be right about all of those things. But it appears Supes isn't quite as observant.

Watch out! Those Great Old Ones will sneak right up on you!

Speaking of Great Old Ones, Simon and Garfunkel's "Sound of Silence" came up on my Nano at work tonight. I never realized how Lovecraftian that song sounds. It especially sounds like it's narrated by Randolph Carter on one of his dream journeys and the creatures and people he encounters.

Superman blasts the tentacles back into the void with his heat vision and then knocks the helmet off of the creature.

Well now this is just getting confusing! Now it just looks like Killer Croc. Or Spidey's foe from Marvel, Doctor Lizard.

It turns out the helmet lets the crocman breathe. Superman only discovers this through observation and detective work. No, no! Just kidding! He knocks a translator out of the alien's hand believing it's a weapon and then notices the creature is having a hard time breathing so he fiddles with the device and turns on the translator. The creature asks for Superman's help and even though the creature just murdered every cat in town, Superman gives the creature back its breathing apparatus.

Now that Superman can speak with it, he stops punching it in the face. And he quickly learns that he was acting like a complete xenophobe.

Most of DC's heroes are filled with fear and resort to violence before assessing any given situation.

The alien tries to explain to Superman that it was just defending itself and it doesn't owe anybody any explanation for killing the people it has killed. It was kidnapped from its home dimension and some people were hurt. But Superman still believes justice must be served.

Fucking Superman. Either treat it like a wild animal and kill it or realize it was seriously fucked by Russia and help it get home. Then blame the Russians for all of the chaos.

Whatever the choice, it might all be for naught since the Russian Nuke is begin dropped in a matter of seconds.

When the nuclear missile hits, Superman gets away just in time since he heard it coming. And the alien escapes into the portal leading to its home world. I take it nuclear radiation can harm Superman. Or he at least fears that it can. Maybe he's afraid it'll mutate him and then how will Clark Kent explain the tentacles coming out of his ass.

Superman flies back to Metropolis and spends some time thinking about the similarities between himself and the alien. Like how they're both aliens. And how they both ended up on Earth. And I think that's it. But Superman realizes how lucky he is that he fits in so well on Earth. So he decides to take advantage of his human looks and his physique powered by the sun to bang Lois's sister. But first he needs to impress her with a little bungee jumping.

Finding out Clark is willing to Bungee Jump has given Lois a mild stroke in the grammar part of the brain.

I make those kinds of errors that Jurgens (or the letterer!) made in Lois's speech bubble all of the time. Especially doing this commentary stream-of-conscious style as I'm reading the comic in real time. I don't go back to punch up the writing or fix any errors when I'm done although I probably should! I do edit the pieces and fix any errors a month later when I read my commentary before reading the next issue! I'm sure Jurgens first had the sentence read, "Weren't you voted least likely to Bungee Jump?" And then he felt he needed to clarify who was doing the voting, so he added the senior class part and forgot to change the verb. I've probably done that two or three times in this post alone!

Then the issue ends with Clark Kent bungee jumping. Or flying while he's pretending to bungee jump. I guess flight is an on/off power since he can walk around just fine. Unless he's always just kind of resistant to Earth's gravity. Or can he only fly because he owns a Legion Flight Ring? I think that might be the case since he was only leaping in Action Comics. And then he learned to fly in the story where he first met Cosmic Boy and Lightning Lad, and Damsel Girl. Whatever the case, I'm sure he survives.

Superman #12 Rating: No change. My prediction is that Superman will drop a rank or two because Lobdell is writing Superman #0! I can't wait for that shit fiesta!

New Guardians #12

I hope the great lie is that Earth only has one Green Lantern and the others are illusions that will instantly disappear. Of course Guy Gardner would be the real Lantern. Although John Stewart would be an acceptable alternative.

Last issue, Sayd actually revealed half of the lie. She was the one that organized the ring stealing incident that brought all of these assholes together. But before she could explain why, Invictus had arrived to eat Larfleeze's balls. So pardon the gigantic fight before anything else gets explained.

No no no! I was just kidding about the big fight! Tell me the secret!

Invictus keeps calling himself an archangel and maybe that's what he is. Perhaps every system has a bunch of powerful angels that muck with the different worlds. Or maybe they were just a very powerful race which Larfleeze nearly destroyed. An earlier issue told the history of Invictus and now I've forgotten it. I think Larfleeze killed the archangels to gain their power except their power went to the other archangels instead. So Invictus has the power of all of his fallen comrades which is why Larfleeze wanted to kill him too. So he could finally get the power. Look at that! I remembered!

Oh, my point being: Invictus has now become much too powerful for any of the Lanterns to destroy. So they're going to take him down together. I hope he isn't immune to rainbows.

Invictus arrives and instantly begins choking the life out of Larfleeze. The other Lanterns stand around and chit chat. Nobody but Kyle really wants to help out. I guess Fatality probably does since she loves everyone. And Munk is made of compassion or something, so he probably wouldn't mind stepping in. Unless he feels compassion for Invictus since Larfleeze was the asshole who started this rivalry a billion years ago. But Kyle eventually points out that without an Orange Lantern, the Rainbow Corps might as well be the Rainbow Corpse and they all have a good laugh and dunk their biscuits in their tea. Then they dab the corners of their mouths with their cloth napkins and begin beating the crap out of Invictus.

The only reason the Weaponer of Qwaard is with them is because Arkillo promised he could have the Orrery. So the Weaponer doesn't care at all about the fight with Invictus. He just wants to get his hands on the prize. So he feeds Kyle a big fat lie about some kill switch bullshit.

It has to be bull! "Every weapon that powerful has to have a kill switch." Pfft! Inanity!

The Lanterns distract Invictus long enough for the Weaponer's plan to take effect.

Of course, his plan isn't going to help them any!

Of course the Weaponer is doing his own thing! I'll bet the Don't Come line every single time Kyle Rayner is throwing the dice. What I'm trying to say is: he's not very observant or intelligent or good at strategy. But I hear he's really stubborn!

Wait a minute! Hold on a second! What happened to Kyle Rayner's Rainbow Power? Is he ever going to use that again? Maybe to defeat Invictus? He must have absorbed all of the rings for a reason. I think the only power he didn't get was Orange. Perhaps he still needs to absorb Larfleeze's ring before he can defeat Invictus. I just think he'll never deal with that rainbow power ever again.

I was wrong! The Weaponer's plan actually did help them although he didn't mean for it to help. The Weaponer steals the Orrery and begins flying it away. The further it gets from Invictus, the less power it can give him. Kyle and Saint Walker destroy Invictus's statue which keep him from teleporting back to the ship. He loses more and more power and eventually falls unconscious. Larfleeze seizes his chance to turn Invictus into one of his Orange Corps members but his ring suddenly fails him.

It's because every ring screams, "LET ME OUT!" Hal's ring was doing that as well. And maybe Guy's and John's too. Whatever it is, it'll be dealt with in the Green Lantern Annual. Meanwhile, Sayd the Guardian finally tells the other half of the secret about the rings.

Kyle is the angriest, greediest, most fearsome, stubborn, hopeful, compassionate, and loving person in the Universe? Get outta here!

The big reveal merely gives all of the non-Green Lanterns an excuse to leave. They never wanted to be a team in the first place, so it wasn't like they were going to stick together. But now they're able to blame it on Sayd founding the whole project on a lie and they all leave with a clear conscience that the Guardian is to blame. Fuck, the Guardian is always to blame so I don't blame them at all! I'd leave too.

The New Guardians #12 Rating: -1 Ranking. The big reveal was a big let down. Sayd had a sudden impulse to form the Rainbow Corps when she felt Ganthet lose his emotions? That's it? The Rainbow Corps was formed on a whim? Well, maybe whatever Rainbow Corps is formed in Issue #0 will stick. So many of these team books are just really lengthy set-ups to explain why any of these characters would ever consider working together. And then they don't even end up working together because even the writer felt his reason to keep them together wasn't good enough! This same thing happened in Milligan's Justice League Dark as well, although Lemire came through and fixed it up nicely. Teen Titans are still considering whether or not they're a team. The Ravagers keep bickering and fighting. Can't some of these comics just start with the heroes meeting up in a local Green Gryphon and being forced into a party together just to get the fucking game comic started?

Teen Titans #12

Who's ready for a fifteen page Teen Titans story followed by five pages of stupid teenaged dinosaurs!?

 

Since I haven't even opened the comic book yet, I can't know for sure that the Teen Titans story is only fifteen pages long. But I'm pretty sure Kid Flash told me that the Dinosaur Love Triangle story would be continuing in this comic book, so it's a pretty fair guess. I'm just sad that we won't get a full fifteen pages to learn about Diesel. Although his motivation was spelled out nicely on the cover here so Lobdell won't need to go into the backstory much inside the comic book.

Last issue, Wonder Girl had beaten the crap out of Kid Flash, Bunker, and Solstice. Superboy and Red Robin had just arrived on the scene to see her pleading for help. Somehow in all of this, that guy Diesel is involved.

Jesus fucking jelly beans. This issue begins exactly like Superboy #12!

Except it's not setting up a joke where he ends up dancing in a club. But the narration is utilizing the exact same device as the first page of Superboy.

Somebody at DC has got to call a meeting of all of the worst writers (if they don't want to hurt any feelings, they should just call a meeting of all the writers that worked for Marvel for years and are now working for DC. Because it looks like Marvel just jettisoned all of their worst talent at some point and they ended up in the New 52). Explain to them that comic books tell an ongoing story. When you begin the script for a new issue, you don't have to think of it as starting a new story all over again. You don't need to figure out some opening to get the story moving. Don't give an oral report on the way history tells us many things. Don't explain that Superboy has been through a lot and his training can't help him now. Don't fill the first page with one gigantic static image and a bunch of Narration Boxes which sound like a tenth grader's opening paragraph of a comparison/contrast essay.

Also, I love that Superboy "was created to be nothing less than the WORD'S most powerful living weapon." It's just so Biblical! And meta!

Let me interrupt myself for a moment to point out the meta joke to all of the people who aren't reading every single entry in my blog. See, over in Red Hood and the Outlaws, Scott Lobdell has Roy Harper telling a story where Roy suddenly says, "And this is where it gets meta!" But it doesn't get meta there at all. I'd also like to point out that these commentaries I'm writing are all pieces of a whole. They flow from one to the next because I draw on things I've written or read previously. Sure, some of the commentaries are simply a synopsis of the comic I just read and aren't very interesting. So if you read something that you don't understand, don't blame me for not explaining it! Blame yourself for being too lazy to read my previous stuff!

Now that I've just chastised any readers reading so that they're now muttering, "Fuck you, you arrogant prick," right now and hitting the back button on their browser, let's continue!

Last issue ended in Red Robin's penthouse apartment in Lexcorps Towers. But this one begins in Central Park?

Or did Cassie somehow transform the apartment into a forest? I guess I could defend the comic and say they've moved down to the park since Cassie busted Superboy in the chops. But why should I be filling in the gaps and doing the work of the writer and artist? Also, don't worry if you can't read that text. I just scanned that to show the trees around them.

Reading a bit further into the confrontation, it looks like a lot more time has passed than Superboy showing up and getting punched down into the park. The next panel I scan is sort of an attempt to explain that but I think it's also a NAMBLA joke. NAMBLA. Do they still exist? For you Tumblr kiddies that believe everyone needs to accept everyone else, NAMBLA stands for North American Man/Boy Love Association. Holy Shub-Niggurath, it still exists.

See? I think Superboy is accusing Tim of being more than friends with Alfred!

At the end of last issue, Cassie was pleading for help. So it looks like between the end of last issue and the beginning of this one, Tim Drake made a phone call.

Tim Drake: "Hello, Alfred? It's Tim."
Alfred Pennyworth: "Oh. tim. Been enjoying New York's waffles?"
Tim Drake: "Oh, come on Alfred! I always enjoyed your waffles!"
Alfred Pennyworth: "Really now? Do you actually think Master Bruce wouldn't have bugged your penthouse to keep an eye on you and make sure your safe? I heard your little conversation with Master Todd."
Tim Drake: "*sigh* Alfred, I'm sorry. But what do you do the batter? Jerk off into it?"
Alfred Pennyworth: "If you don't like the way it's always been done in the Pennyworth clan, you didn't have to eat it, you know."
Tim Drake: "Oh God. Wait. Let me vomit on Kid Flash's face here. Just a sec."
Alfred Pennyworth: "I'll get Master Bruce. tim."
Tim Drake: "No no! I called to speak with you, Alfred! I need a secluded place to take my friend Wonder Girl and I was wondering...."
Alfred Pennyworth: "Say no more. Say no more. You can take her to my family's cabin up in the Catskills. I must say I am surprised though. I thought it more than likely you'd end up with Bunker. Good day."

After the phone call, Red Robin and Superboy packed up Cassie and took her to the cabin for some Silent Greek Armor detox. They left Solstice, Kid Flash, and Bunker in a motel on the New Jersey turnpike. For some reason.

Red Robin and Superboy are trying to find a way to remove the armor from Cassie. When she's completely encased in it, she wants to be called Wonder Girl and she acts like a gigantic asshole. They'd rather have the girl who hates being called Wonder Girl and acts like a gigantic asshole.

"Your Inertron is based on pure science while my armor is based on retarded fiction! YOU CAN'T WIN!"

Red Robin slices open the armor with his Inertron wings because they're even harder than the other fake metal of the other universe, Adamantium. With the gap in the armor, Superboy inserts his penile tactile telekinesis and begins ripping the armor from Cassie's body. Once the armor is gone, Cassie thanks them for helping her. But then Diesel shows up. He paralyzes Red Robin and Superboy with a gas (that's a new one! But still the same Lobdell trick. Any hero can be incapacitated with barely any reason given just to get them out of the way) so that Diesel can now steal what's left of Cassie's power while the armor is gone. And then he armors up with his own evil world ending armor and takes off.

Robin and Superboy come to and Cassie calls Red Robin and Superboy stupid for helping her. Geez! There's no pleasing this woman! Even though the armor is killing her, she apparently needs to be wearing it to counteract Diesel's world destroying magic Angkor Wat armor. Since it's invisible and Superboy tore it off of her, I'm not sure how they'll find it. But they have an extra month to look for it since Issue #0 comes out next.

And then the Teenaged Dinosaur back-up story stabs me in the face with its pure stupidity. Not like I wasn't expecting it! I was already in a pretty good defensive posture from having just read Teen Titans, so the damage is minimal. Although when Kid Flash arrives late to the fight saying he was "figuring out how to DVR 'Pretty Little Liars', it seems a bit ridiculous. I'm sure that's just a joke and a way that he can impress Teryx with the knowledge that he watches that show but it still just makes Kid Flash sound stupid. He's super duper duper super fast and he's late because he couldn't figure out how to hit two buttons: program guide, record.

Aside from that moment, there's not much else. Steg and Dac are creating an army of dinosaur things to take over the world. Eventually they'll be back to fight The Ravagers. Come on! Something this stupid has to end up in the stupidest book of The New 52, right?

Teen Titans #12 Rating: -2 Ranking. It gets a downgrade because of the lame change in locales for no real reason and for the five pages of Teenaged Dinosaurs that would have actually been better used for advertising.

Justice League Dark #12

Is Dr. Mist on their side again? He's so temperamental.

Faust escaped with the map to the Books of Magic last issue. But Constantine got a look at the map before it happened. I expect the next few issues to be like those episodes of G.I. Joe when the Joes and Cobra were all running around trying to beat each other to the pieces of the deadly weather machine. Those were some exciting after school television watching sessions!

The first page of this issue goes over Dr. Mist's New 52 origin. His centuries old rivalry with Felix Faust is a thing of the past. Instead, he was merely a doctor in a war torn African country. When his wife was killed in the conflict, he turned to magic to try to bring her back. But nothing would work. And then Felix Faust approached him and told him of the Books of Magic. With Mist's reputation, he was able to infiltrate ARGUS and steal the key to open the tesseract to find the log which housed the frog who ate the Books of Magic at the bottom of some unknown interdimensional planescape.

Of course he had to betray the good guys and side with a right evil bastard to do this. Which seems like a bad decision since he's more than likely not going to get a chance at the Books if he's traveling with Faust. If he's just stuck with the others once they got the Tesseract, I'm sure John would have helped him out with his wife.

John noticed the Books were in Slaughter Swamp just outside of Gotham City. That's where Jonah Hex, Amadeus Arkham, and Tallulah Black were held captive by the Crime Bible Cult! It's also where Dr. Thirteen's Haunted Highwayman was living. But Zatanna tracks Faust and Mist's portal to find that they headed back to Peru. So Justice League Dark is going to split up! Basically that means one of them is going to get a chainsaw in the midsection, especially if two people in one of the groups ends up fucking in a sleeping bag. And that could happen to either team since Black Orchid heads off with John Constantine while Deadman heads off with Zatanna. I guess Deadman can't fuck anybody, sleeping bag or not. But Black Orchid hates Constantine so much that the chemistry is electric!

Meanwhile, Xanadu learns from Timothy Hunter how he gave up his magic.

Depending on who ends up with this magic, it could be really interesting or hardly worth mentioning. I hope Cheeks the Toy Wonder got the magic!

Waiting for Faust and Mist is a man working with them to recover the Books. He smokes like Constantine and has a dragon tattoo life Constantine. But he remains in the shadows and I have no clue who he might be. Unless he's somehow Constantine!

I remember in Hellblazer way back when, Constantine had sort of a sidekick. Really just a friend who did stuff with him and got into trouble. I don't remember his name or what happened to him (probably killed!) but what if he got Tim's magic and this is him? A new rival for John?

The mystery man sends Faust to deal with Xanadu in London while he waits with Mist for Zatanna and Deadman to arrive. Dr. Mist also informs the mystery man that Constantine controls the House of Mystery which brings up an interesting question. When they visited the House, Constantine said that he could return any of them to the House now that he brought them to it. Can he now call back Dr. Mist? What about Abnegezer, Rath, and Ghast?

Black Orchid and Constantine are currently traveling to Slaughter Swamp in the House of Mystery.

I knew Orchid was magical in nature. But I thought they were changing that up for The New 52. I guess not!

Black Orchid wonders why John doesn't try to get back together with Zatanna since they have a history. And John explains that probably won't happening seeing as how the death of her father, Zatarra, was his fault. Plus he lies about everything. And he's always involved with demons. And the apocalypse follows him around like a lost puppy.

Black Orchid and John arrive in Slaughter Swamp and begin to explore. It isn't long before they don't find what they're looking for. Instead, they find this guy:

And in Peru, Zatanna and Deadman meet up with the foresty version of this guy, Blackbriar Thorn!

Meanwhile, the mystery man is checking looking into some real estate. He's got an eye on the House of Secrets. Dr. Occult seems to be the current owner of the House of Secrets. So the mystery man negotiates a deal to secure the house from him.

Dr. Occult should have waited for a better offer.

Justice League Dark #12 Rating: +1 Ranking. Since Issue #13 won't be out until October, I would have liked for the mystery man to be revealed at the end of this one. I think it would have given more tension for the fans to see who the enemy was and then have to wait two months for any kind of resolution. Now the fans have to wait two months while they forget what was going on and then the reveal will happen and they'll scratch their heads and have to dig out this issue from the box to figure out why it was such a surprise. Anyway, I'm glad to see the House of Secrets! I hope the Houses fight!
Oh yeah. And someone didn't give the cover artist the notes that Dr. Mist betrayed the group and is no longer fighting for them. Plus, the whole living jungle thing didn't really happen. It sort of got a prologue and a hint that it was about to happen. But nothing so far.

The Savage Hawkman #12

Pike is so tiny compared to Hawkman. With stubby little arms!

The sad news has broken: Rob Liefeld has quit DC Comics. His reasons were that he was sick and tired of fighting with editorial about every little decision. And since I'm reading The New 52 and some of the worst moments have been caused by editorial, I believe him. Also, I've always hated being micromanaged at any job I've ever done. I understand DC wants to keep continuity but it doesn't sound like they're going about it the right way. And their world building bullshit which forces the writer's to use other characters from other titles every few issues must be a complete pain in the writers' collective asses. Being used to doing freelance work, I don't blame Liefeld for leaving.

On the other eight hands, if I had to edit Liefeld's stories, my fucking head would explode. If what I've been reading is Liefeld having won 80% of his battles against the editors, I can't imagine what kind of a train wreck it would be if he'd had complete control! In my mind, the editors weren't fighting hard enough to make the comics as good as they could be. And look at it this way, Liefeld: you got to kill Lobo! Oh, sure, they probably let you because Lobo's regenerative powers can handle pretty much anything. But still! You really got to kill Lobo! Sort of. I mean, really, an explosion? That was all it took to kill him? But still. You had the opportunity to have Deathstroke kill Lobo and really make it cool and interesting and have a big knock down drag out fight with two of the meanest, baddest assed DC characters and you have Deathstroke run away and then come back to have Lobo die in an explosion.

Hmm. You know what? Have fun doing whatever you're going to do! Best wishes but I won't be reading any other shit you produce. Ever! Good riddance! I mean, Good luck! Oh, wait. I still have to read this comic book and then all three Issue Zeroes you worked on. I'm celebrating too soon!

Back to Hawkman, I wonder what Liefeld and Poulton will teach me in the Narration Boxes on the first page of this issue of Hawkman! Elementary school oral report time!

Oh goody! We're learning about Mercenaries today! Be sure to note your sources, Liefeld! Source for this Narration Box: www.merriam-webster.com!

Interesting. Could you expound on this point a bit?

You know, I've never thought of it in quite that way!

Source: Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, 1988.

Sure, sure. If you ignore the fact that the other side used them too and failed in their endeavor.

Thanks for that oral report, Robby. C minus!

 

During all of that, the first page panels are just replaying Pike shooting Hawkman. And then there's a little scene in which Rob must have won one of his 80% battles. Because at the end of last issue, Emma was cradling Hawkman on the roof after he'd been shot. Pike descended beside them to say some shit and end with, "I'm Pike and it's my absolute pleasure to kill you, Hawkman." To which Carter replies, "You've taken your best shot, 'Pike.' Now allow me to return the favor."

But this issue begins with Hawkman being shot and falling off of the roof before any conversation happens at all. And then Pike dives on Hawkman as Hawkman falls (because Pike falls at a faster rate than Hawkman? Oh! His wings probably cause his descent to slow and Pike must have been shooting his rifle at near point blank range) and begins to have a conversation with him that completely ignores last issue's conversation.

Oh, okay! Now he wants Hawkman alive!

Rob, I have absolutely no sympathy for the fact that you were constantly battling the editors. Fuck continuity and the weird shit they may not want you to do with their characters. But it's their job to make sure that when these comics are published in a trade paperback, the story flows from one issue to the next. Can you imagine reading this mess in the trade paperback? "Oh, hey, this scene was just repeated twice in two very different ways. That's a bit odd! I wonder what happ...oh. Rob Liefeld was plotting this fucker." One of Rob's tweets mentioned how editors work for the freelancers and they should be fired occasionally so that they know who is in charge. And I'm not big fan of editorial controlling what a writer's doing. But this is the kind of shit that happens when an artist that thinks he's a writer ignores editorial. Or maybe editorial didn't like the way you ended last issue and they wanted you to change the whole scene in this issue and ignore what happened before. If that was the case (it's not. No way in hell that's the case), then by all means your point about interference is well-founded! You stick it to the man!

And then I found something more interesting to read on the internet than this fecal matter disguised as a comic book: Rob Liefeld versus Scott Snyder on Twitter!

Rob Liefeld: It’s not you. It never has been. It’s Batman.
Scott Snyder:I can assure you batman doesn’t sell the way it does because it’s Batman. It sells that way because of me and Greg (Capullo).
Rob Liefeld: Get over yourself you pretentious prick @Ssnyder1835
Rob Liefeld: Been berated in DM’s by @Ssnyder1835 this morning. Excuse me if I don’t marvel at your amazing abilities to write Batman. Piss off.
Rob Liefeld: I’d like to think that if your going to wave your ego around on Batman you’d remember all that came before you. Holeee crap
Rob Liefeld: Average Batman book sells 80k. ‘Nuff said.
Scott Snyder: Nice! Your Twitter feeds the best thing you’ve written all year :-)
Rob Liefeld: Of course, because its not edited
Scott Snyder: Aw, I’ll give you credit Rob! :) Batman might sell inspite of me and @GregCapullo as u say, but deathstroke & Hawkman failed because of you!
Scott Snyder: Credit where it’s due, brother :-) and that’s all I’ll say on that. Ah, comics.
Rob Liefeld: my sales went up on those books @Ssnyder1835 sorry bud.
Scott Snyder: Lol. And you can put that in your pouch and keep it for later :-)
Rob Liefeld: one word, HAUNT. 2 words SWAMP THING – not all creations equal
Rob Liefeld: Batman is the number one selling character in the history of the biz. Period. End of story. Will endure beyond creator careers

Rob has a point about Batman titles selling since Dark Knight and Detective suck but they seem to be surviving just fine. But it sidesteps the real issue. The current run of Batman with Capullo and Snyder at the helm is a fucking fantastic book. It hasn't been number one on my ranking list since Issue #1 because I'm a Batman fanboy. The book is number one because it's being written so well.

Also, Snyder saying that Deathstroke and Hawkman failed because of Rob is harsh. Before Rob was even given Hawkman (by Tony Daniel) and Grifter (by Nathan Edmondson), they were either at the bottom of my rankings or very near. They were given to Rob because they sucked and DC wanted something to change. Now when Rob says the numbers jumped because of him, I have to agree. But not because he's doing better work than the previous writers. Oh fucking lord he's not. But because Liefeld has fans that like his shit. And comic book readers follow the writers and artists they like from book to book. So of course there was an initial jump and probably a round of Liefeld fans proclaiming the books are suddenly awesome. But they aren't. They are poorly written.

And in reference to that part where I say I'm not a Batman fanboy and somebody wants to go back through the shit I've written to find all of the times I proclaim "Batman could do that!" or "Batman could kick his ass!" or whatnot, that's fucking hyperbole. I say those things because of Rob's point about Batman. DC loves that fucker. He can do no wrong! If I were reading Marvel in the same way, I'd just replace "Batman" with "Wolverine." Same deal. I should probably get back to reading Hawkman now!

On the very next page, Hawkman is all better. He takes to the air in an effort to gain the advantage. But Pike is able to swing from wires and dance on rooftops and keep up with Hawkman who apparently doesn't want to fly too high. Oh yeah, Pike also shows more of his love for television as he calls Hawkman "Harvey Birdman" and "Tweety Bird." The wit on this guy is fucking huge. Women's jaws drop when they see this sucker.

Pike eventually climbs up to a rooftop where he's parked Lobo's space hog. He takes off on it and Hawkman pursues him. If I were Hawkman, I'd just let him go. Although I imagine Pike intends to turn around and fight him at some point. He seems to want Hawkman to fight with him at any rate.

Yes! Please stop with the internal monologue! Although I don't know how Pike can read it. Is Pike related to Deadpool?

Pike shoots a steel cable which wraps around Hawkman and constricts him.

It really is beginning to sound like a young romance novel!

And I add this caption just for grammar posterity.

I'm still thinking about Pike's pop culture references. I know I make a lot of old references but I'm not trying to sell a product to the young'ns! Love Boat. Gilligan's Island. Tweety Bird. I guess Harvey Birdman is the newest one he's thrown out their so far and that's still about five years old.

Eventually Hawkman and Emma catch Pike and his smart-ass space hog (yes, it speaks and it's female). Using a GPS device Hawkman took off of the motorcycle, they find Pike's hidden spaceship floating over Tuscany. The subsequent conversation plays out like a discussion from one of Soy Rakelson's Warhammer games that he would take us through in high school.

And this is probably the best dialogue in the book so far!

After claiming that Hawkman can't touch him if he doesn't spill the beans, Pike spills the beans. The Kherubim pulled the Daemonites out of the Bleed (or something. I think this has been gone over in Stormwatch or Grifter or Voodoo or Superman) to work for them. But the Daemonites rebelled and destroyed the Kherubim. Then the Daemonites traveled to Thanagar to destroy it. Thanagar doesn't want to be destroyed though! So they have sent people in search of Hawkman and his Nth metal because they think he can save the day. I guess while Grifter is the Chosen One for Earth, Hawkman is the Chosen One for Thanagar.

Only one slight problem with Pike's explanation.

The Daemonites are not led by Helspont. He was a prisoner in Stormwatch's The Eye of the Storm until he escaped and ended up in Superman. In Superman, he told Supes how the other Daemonites became envious and fearful of Helspont, so they rose up against him and imprisoned him. Now Helspont is working with Grifter (sort of) and Voodoo (kind of) to take over Earth himself and wipe out the other Daemonites. So unless this story Pike is telling is ancient (and his verb tenses make it seem current), it's a bunch of continuity fucking hooey!

After story time, Pike sets off some kind of magic gas from The Bleed which incapacitates Emma and Carter. Pike then drags them outside to await the person (or bird maiden!) who hired Pike. The ship descends and out steps Hawkwoman! Maybe. I don't know since I haven't turned the page yet! But, come on! Pike basically just revealed that. And he said his boss was a woman.

Hawkwoman seems to have a terrific set of *error* *error* Memory overflow!

As soon as Hawkwoman speaks, Carter Hall remembers everything. He remembers being in love with her. He remembers being Katar Hol. He remembers that she vowed to kill him when last they saw each other. I wonder if he remembers why he was out in the woods trying to burn the Nth Metal when we first met him way back in Issue #1. Because I'd like to know all about that! Maybe it'll be explained in Issue #0. But I doubt it since that was part of Tony Daniel's story arc and not Rob Liefeld's.

The Savage Hawkman #12 Rating: It's at the fucking bottom of the heap! How much further can I drop this turd?

Legion of Super-heroes #12

I'm declaring Paul Levitz needs to give the inside scoop on Duplicate Damsel's powers immediately! Am I supposed to feel awful when one of her duplicates is killed? Can her duplicates be killed? Are they all driven off a single consciousness so that it doesn't matter if even the original dies? As long as one is left? If she were pregnant and she split into four Damsels, would they all be pregnant and capable of delivering a different child? Or am I supposed to just shut up and accept whatever Levitz gives me?

Last issue, a few members of Legion were on some planet and they were being rescued by some other members of Legion and then Comet Queen knocked out Brainiac and now they've all been captured. This issue, they'll rally and defeat the Dominators. But it's how they'll do it that remains a mystery! At least to me since I can barely remember any of their names or powers.

The captured Legionnaires have been trussed up and tied to platters. They're going to be served to the fattest Dominator of them all, Primus Dom. Somehow Dream Girl escapes her bonds first. Perhaps she took a nap and saw how she would escape in a few minutes and that dream showed her how to escape and so she does it in a few minutes. I would have guessed that Duplicate Damsel would have just made some duplicates of herself. Those duplicates wouldn't be tied up? It makes more sense than Dream Girl escaping! Unless she has some escape artist skills I don't know about.

Oh, well that explains that then!

Anyway, it kind of explains it. Apparently some Legionnaires can be held by junk locks. I would think Star Boy could have done something with his density powers. And Chunk or Chuck or Bouncing Boy or whatever could have probably expanded and popped the locks. But the best bet still would have been Duplicate Damsel simply making a bunch of herself and unlocking all the other locks. It is possible the locks somehow kept their powers in check. But with the variety of races and powers that make up Legion, that's just too much to believe even for a comic book that takes place 1000 years in the future! Okay, maybe it isn't. One thousand years is a long time.

Duplicate Damsel is the first person Dream Girl frees because, lo and behold, she makes a bunch of duplicates of herself and each one frees a different Legionnaire! When she frees Bouncing Boy, this takes place:

This is just weird. Do the Duplicate Damsels retain the same personality when created? So there is DD Prime and DD #1 and DD #2 and so on? Is the first duplicate created always #1? Or can she duplicate to make any of the personalities? Or do the personalities expire when the body goes away? If that is the case, this power is the most tragic power in the DCnU!

The general Dominators seem pretty useless. But they have created a Daxamite-Dominator hybrid which they let loose on Legion. From what I know of Legion of Super-heroes history (not much), a Daxamite can probably defeat this handful of Legion members unless they happen to have some lead on them. But if anyone of these idiots can figure out how to defeat it, I guess it'll be Brainiac 5.

Yes! Yes! I see where you're going with this!

Actually, unless his next sentence is "And then we'll hit him with a lead pipe!", I've got nothing. Brainiac 5 instructs Star Boy to increase the gravity around the Daxinator. It's beyond his powers but being that it's their only chance and Dream Girl tells him, "If you dream it, you can do it!", he does it! But that's only the first Daxinator to hatch. Several others are about to hatch and the Legionnaires don't have any back up. But Mon El has a plan back on Earth to get the proof they need to send reinforcements.

Mon El and Ultra Boy produce an ex-Legion Member who can project images from far away. She shows the council that Brainiac 5 and Dream Girl are fighting for their lives against the Dominators. Mon El and Ultra Boy fly off to the Dominator's home world. I'm sure they'll arrive months later to find their friends have all been eaten.

Nevermind. They arrive in just a few minutes.

And everyone is rescued and head back to Earth. Comet Queen returns as a prisoner for betraying everyone and acting like an asshole. That's another boring issue down! And a boring commentary as well. I just can't get excited to read about all of these Damsels and Lads!

Legion of Super-heroes #12 Rating: -1 Ranking. This was simply a big fight scene with no innovation at all. The bureaucratic mess on Earth finally gets solved long after it should have been. I think this proves that Brainiac 5 should be leader and not Mon El who just sat back repeating that the Legion's hands were tied. Until this issue when he finally decided to come up with his idea. I was so bored I dug up and reread the first comic book I ever made. I searched for some web pages about Shuteye Town. I took a break to play some Call of Duty. And I talked with my cat Judas in-between the four or five panels I could string together while reading before becoming absolutely bored. Screw you, Legion! If you can't be exciting, at least be stupid!