Batman: Shadow of the Bat #11 (April 1993)

Grant probably pitched "The Human Pubic Louse" and DC nixed it immediately.

The Cover
Stelfreeze tends to draw Batman a bit too glossy with way too many muscles and a smaller pee-pee than most artists (especially Simon Bisley). His covers are like a studio recording by a way-too-hands-on producer of a garage band that made it big with raw demos based on Satan worship. It's just too polished, man. Where's the blood and feces soaked front row audience? Also, I don't know what notes Brian received for this cover. "Batman has been reduced to the size of a flea so he decides to research fleas being that he's the size of one but isn't actually one. While researching fleas for no actual reason, somebody attempts to swat him and Batman raises his arms to defend himself. Or maybe Batman's casting a spell?" At a glance, this cover's great. I love it. I'm like, "Oh yeah! I'm all in on this comic book! Let's get to it!" But if I stop to look too closely, I begin to hate so many things about it. But mostly I hate the way my mind has convinced me that Batman's packing a razor sharp penis in that super tight underwear. Also the lack of Satan worship.

The Story
I'm about 900 pages into Mark Z. Danielewski's Tom's Crossing and it reminds me of Jordan Peele's Nope in that he seems to be defying critical expectations. We're a long way away from House of Leaves just as Nope was miles away from Get Out. Just as Jordan Peele decided to make a horror movie that wasn't explicitly about race relations in America, Danielewski seems to have decided to write a book that wasn't explicitly postmodern. Although a chicken's got to chicken (I grew up in the city so "chicken" is the only way I know how to explain what a chicken does). Obviously Nope had racial undercurrents, seen most effectually in the way non-white actors were seen by Hollywood, but the main horror of the aliens wasn't a metaphor. I don't think. Anyway, Danielewski's book is doing some weird fucking shit that's obviously right up his alley but it doesn't express itself as heftily as one might imagine. On the most shallowest of examinations, it's as if he's M. Night Shyamalan deciding to release a movie without a twist ending. Except, of course, it's not that at all and I should retract everything I've just written because Tom's Crossing isn't just a story about horses and freedom and the dead; it's also a story about audiences and how they retell stories and think about them and discuss them throughout their lives. Imprinted on the back cover of the hard-back book is the phrase "No one talks to the dead for free." What Mark's saying is that reading literature (the dead of the statement as most great literature was written by people long gone) does something to you; it changes you. And not just you. It changes every relationship you have. It expands the boundaries of our lives and thrusts us into a wider world, a larger narrative. Whereas Jordan Peele's first few movies were saying, "We need to discuss race in this country if we're going to come to grips with its history," Nope says, "Look, I told you what you need to know to understand this movie. We should be on the same page now." Tom's Crossing says, "I wrote House of Leaves 27 years ago and this is how it lives now: in the minds of its readers, constantly being chewed up and digested and regurgitated among fans. It still lives, growing and changing and remaking those who have read it." Is Nope commentary on Get Out? Is Tom's Crossing commentary on House of Leaves? I don't know! I don't even know if anything I just wrote makes sense! That's why I read comic books!

Alan Grant really can't be bothered to come up with creative names.

Last issue, the owner of the scary haunted castle was named Macabre. This issue begins with a guy with an axe in his head named Kadaver. I guess coming up with the name Zsasz burnt out Alan Grant's imagination for names. To top it off, his first name is Mortimer. You know! Morte? Death! Hmm, is this more clever than I'm giving Grant credit for? (Also, did Grant even come up with this character?!) Of course the big twist here is that Mort Kadaver isn't actually a cadaver; he's faking the whole axe in the head incident. He and his buddy, Jan Bodie (a Lennie Small type), have concocted this great prank to allow them to escape from prison disguised as a doctor and his patient. It works easily enough since Blackgate apparently only has one guard between the prison hospital and the exit. It's not long (four pages) before they're on the road in a prison van and speeding off to freedom. But they have nothing to do with The Human Flea. That's a whole second story happening in this issue. Two stories in one issue?! It doesn't seem plausible! Oh, that's because it isn't. "The Human Flea" is a two issue story!

Oh? Have people been hearing about this gross piece of shit? Is he the next big thing in Gotham villainy?

Sorry I'm being so judgmental about this guy's choice of persona but fleas are gross. Not as gross as Ticks but at least they're funny. I guess? God, I wish Alan Grant could have made this guy The Human Pubic Louse.

The Human Flea's weapon of choice is fleas. He just lobs a bunch of fleas at the bar owner and patrons who start screaming about being bit. Oh, come on! Flea bites don't hurt. Do they? If you're suddenly bit by dozens of fleas at once, what would it feel like? Maybe itchy? Like you're being tickled by a feather? I suspect it wouldn't hurt at all. This guy should have thrown a bottle of wasps at them. I get that his gimmick's good for escaping because he leaps at about the same size to distance ratio as an actual flea. But fleas as weapons is just pathetic. And kind of gross.

Batman just happens to be nearby and attempts to stop the Flea in mid-leap. It doesn't go so well for Batman as he's kicked in the chest by the Flea's super strong legs and winds up face planting on the roof of a nearby building. Thanks to the might of, um, resilin, The Flea manages to accelerate away too fast for Batman to follow. I'm not doing any extra research on "resilin"; I'm just taking The Flea's word that it's as super powerful and amazing as he keeps saying it is. If I was into doing research, I wouldn't be reading comic books. It's bad enough that I have to keep checking a dictionary while reading Tom's Crossing because Mark Z. Danielewski needs everybody to know that he's memorized the dictionary like Johnny Truant and Hal Incandenza.

I think Stelfreeze based the cover on this panel.

Oh! Remember there's a second story unfolding here! I guess Grant knew a story about a guy dressed as a flea wasn't going to fill much space so he added the story of Mort Cadaver escaping from prison with his forced accomplice Jan Bodie. They've fled to Mort Cadaver's secret lair: the de Vere mausoleum in the middle of a cemetery. Does "Vere" have something to do with "truth", as in "veritas"? I would know for sure if I had a friend who spoke French. But I don't know for sure because online translators, while never being great, have become utter garbage. Just tell me if "vere" means anything in the language I chose! Stop trying to detect other languages! Stop trying to autocomplete entirely new words! Why must every user interface experience assume that the user is a toddler with severe brain damage who's also extremely lazy and needs everything done for them?!

Anyway, here's Mort's office. Cozy!

Commissioner Gordon's truly gobsmacked at the idea of a Gotham villain being called The Human Flea. Did he recently get whacked in the head and forget about all the other villains in the city? Did he forget he works with a man in a bat costume? What's so fucking special about a guy dressing up like a flea?!

After coming to terms with the idea of a human flea, Gordon discusses the prison escapees with Batman. Apparently Kadaver was recently shot by The Penguin and discovered to have an inoperable brain tumor. He'll be dying any day. Gordon can't understand why a dying man would escape prison instead of spending his last awful shitty days behind bars. Um, is Gordon okay? How come he suddenly doesn't fucking understand anything about reality? A dying man wants to be free to die on his own terms? Shocking! A criminal dressing up as an insect? Unheard of!

Batman decides to let the cops handle Kadaver for now as he heads off to research The Flea.

So to be The Flea, he must know everything there is to know about them? Was Batman an expert on bats when he donned the costume? What about Robin?

Being that The Flea's using technology to allow him to leap all over the place, I'd guess an engineer would be a more likely culprit than a flea expert. It's not like you have to be a flea expert to gather fleas to throw at people you want to rob. You just have to be a filthy, disgusting person! In my mind, I keep replacing "flea" with "pubic louse" to make the story more entertaining. "The pubic louse isn't exactly bathed in glamour!" You're not kidding, Batman!

Also the main culprit on Batman's list is the owner of a Pubic Louse Circus. The main stage is a pudendum!

Meanwhile Kadaver begins preparations for his big death scene.

Was Kadaver the star of Dragonball Z?

Mort escaped with Jan Bodie because Jan Bodie was arrested for protesting for animal rights. That means he knows people who will be willing to break into a lab where they do experiments on animals without having to tell them his real plan of releasing a deadly plague across the city. And that, my friends, is why these two stories are being told together. Because fleas spread deadly diseases! So if Mort has got to die, so does everybody else in the world. It's a pretty logical psychosis, if you ask me. Why should history have any kind of continuity post me? Doesn't seem fair, really. I'm already angry that so much stuff happened before I existed. Seems rude when you get right down to it.

Batman investigates the owner of the flea circus and decides he can't be the flea because he's old and fat. But he sure does seem to be lying, thinks Batman as he swings away itching all over. The owner goes in the back room where his grandson is sleeping off his crime spree and yells at him to stop being The Flea or else Batman is going to fucking break all of the bones in their bodies. The grandson is all, "Oh, yeah, okay. Sure, grand dad. Just trying to help pay the bills around here seeing as how nobody fucking gives a shit about flea circuses, you old dope!"

There's still one more issue to go so I'm guessing the grandson will have to don the costume at least one more time. Maybe to help save Gotham from Kadaver's plague! Batman's going to need a flea expert to stop the spread of the disease. For, um, some reason. I mean, I guess it makes sense if you're a comic book.

The Ranking
I only have two serious problems with this story: 1. Batman believing that a guy dressing like a flea needs to actually know or be obsessed with fleas. Not all of his rogue's gallery have to be obsessive about shit. 2. No Satan worship. Parts come close, like how Kadaver's lair is a mausoleum and he's got the corpses uninterred and stacked up like his own private audience. But he doesn't cast any dark spells or perform any black masses or sacrifice any babies. It's probably unfair that I'm judging this comic and not every comic I've ever read for not being about Satanic worship but that's life, right? Sometimes you come so close to Satanism that you remind me it's a thing and then I'm disappointed that you didn't embrace that thing that you had no intention of embracing. But the mere reminder of its existence doomed you to fail in my eyes when I suddenly realized I wanted this to be about Satan worship. Sorry but I'm just as petty as every other person on the Internet who can't accept anything for what it is and judges it on what they thought it should be. We're all such fucking idiots who can't suffer whimsy or joy! I blame Republicans! Which, sure, isn't a surprise since they're vile and disgusting. Plus putrid. Also bloodthirsty. Did I say repugnant? Also smelly.

Batman: Shadow of the Bat #10 (March 1993)

Batman discovers a secret ruler of Gotham? More proof Grant invented the Court of Owls idea.

The Cover
Look, I might be wrong about that caption. I haven't read this comic book before. Not "I read it thirty years ago and don't remember it." I have never read this one. I just picked it up at my local comic book store (Excalibur! Hi Debbie! Hi Peter!) for basically cover price. Unless, of course, I already own it and it was stored — for some stupid reason that my brain thought was a good reason decades ago — separately from the other Shadow of the Bat comics. But none of that has anything to do with the cover though so, um, let's start again!

The Cover
Brian Stelfreeze depicts Batman as mostly shadow hovering and/or falling in a twisted Escheresque landscape. This suggests Batman is lost within Gotham which he should never be. He is the master of Gotham and knows every inch of it. So why has he lost a part of himself (lack of color!) and become trapped in this surreal hell without an obvious enemy in sight? It's an interesting and eye-catching cover which Stelfreeze desperately wants us to know was painted.

I don't know art. Did he want this textured result? Or did he forget the painting in the boot of his car over a long, hot day?

The Story
I'm a little bit sick of reading Batman comic books since I've been doing it for about four months now. And yet I went and purchased another stack of them just when I was about to bid a fond farewell to my issues of the Caped Crusader. I'm hating myself a little bit right now. Or a little bit more? It's hard to tell at my age. I've become so comfortably numb with my self-loathing that it's like a second skin. Sometimes I can even convince myself that I don't hate what I've become and actually embrace who I pretend to be. But then I remember that I've been pretending to be so many different people for so long that I'm not sure there ever was a real me at the foundation of it all. Well, if there is, that asshole's going to have to read a few more issues of Batman this month. Get fucked, sucker!

The issue begins with Batman arriving at a castle overlooking Gotham City. The Narrator explains that it took thirty years to build but when were those thirty years? Eighty years ago? Fifty? Thirty years ago so it was just finished which is why this is the first I'm hearing about this castle. I know I'm not a Bat-Scholar and know precious little about the DC Universe so maybe the fucking castle has been there forever. This could be one of those Morrison or Johns things where Alan Grant has dredged up the memory of an old Batman comic he read when he was six about a ghost castle outside of Gotham.

Grant begins the story in media res (as many comics begin but I think he's doing it legitimately and not where they show an action shot on the first page and then restart the story from the beginning) so we're not sure what led Batman to the castle. But Batman hints that a case he's been working on has led him there and he states explicitly why he's come.

To prevent murder!

As we can see, Batman lacks all respect for this thane. Of course he does. This guy doesn't own Gotham. He doesn't know Gotham like Batman knows Gotham. He's just a cheap John trying to purchase a quick thrill from Batman's lady. Well, a thrill that took thirty years so maybe not that quick. But the final act will probably be quick. Stupid men mostly being terrible at sex because they're selfish and they've trained themselves to ejaculate quickly before their mom walks in on them.

Dammit. How did I go from Batman to jerking off? Usually that train derails from that track when I'm discussing Robin. Not because I'm a pedo! Because he's a teenager whacking off all over Wayne Mansion and Alfred has to wash his disgusting sheets and socks and pretend he doesn't seen Robin's DNA all over everything.

Batman climbs onto the roof of the castle to find, as he explicitly states, an Escher-like landscape of stairs and multiple doors. He thinks, "The quickest way in," and then attempts one of the doors. How did he know that particular door was the quickest way in (also it wasn't)? Or does Batman just look at houses and think, "Aha! The quickest way in!" Then he walks in the door and nods knowingly at everybody who tried to get in through the chimney or the window. Although knowing Batman's history, isn't the quickest way in usually the skylight? Oh, that's probably why he went up to the roof! He was going to drop in via skylight! But it's a castle so he was foiled because castles almost never have skylights. Idiot.

After embarrassing himself by trying a false door, Batman gets down to some serious detective work.

Angus Macabre built this castle. He's now having a dinner party that will result in murder at 9:45 PM. Or so Batman believes. Maybe this is one of those House on Haunted Hill situations. You know. Some rich eccentric guy who wants to kill his wife hosts a party and fakes a haunting so a bunch of people are witnesses to how a ghost killed the guy's wife. Is that what happened in that movie? That's how I remember it!

Angus Macabre explains to his guests, in a thick Scottish accent, that they were invited to this party because of some kind of history they have with him. One other person was supposed to be invited as well: Thomas Wayne. But Bruce sent Angus a note saying, "Sorry to tell you but Thomas Wayne was shot in the face with his wife nearly thirty years ago. Regards, Batm--Bruce Wayne." The invitation itself must have alerted Batman to Angus's plan since he seems to suspect that Angus wants to murder everybody invited to the party. Why his father? What did he do to Angus?! I bet Angus was totally into Martha.

Eeek! That's almost as scary as the skeleton from House on Haunted Hill!

Angus Macabre tells a thirty year old tale which answers why they're all here. Thirty years previously, Angus's wife was about to have a baby. But the hospital was full to the brim with train crash victims and they had nobody who could deliver a baby. Thomas Wayne just happened to be nearby and declared he could deliver a baby even though that wasn't his specialty. Along with a nurse and an intern anesthetist, they were able to deliver Angus and his wife's baby.

Gross. I guess they did it wrong.

I guess Angus was upset that his baby was born so hairy and with buck teeth and also because his wife died while delivering it. Even thirty years before 1992, you couldn't just toss a baby in the trash can if it came out ugly after killing your wife. So Angus was now saddled with a disgusting baby and he blamed the doctor Thomas Wayne, the anesthetist Dale King, and the nurse Joan (now married to Dale) from so many years ago. He should have blamed his wife and either his dick or the caveman his wife fucked. Although maybe Batman's wrong? Maybe this dinner party is simply to celebrate his son's 30th birthday and he wants to thank the people who helped bring him into the world? I bet he's grown up to be a terribly disgusting yet successful man. Or a Batman villain!

After receiving the invite, Batman thought it was suspicious so he researched Angus Macabre. He discovered that Angus had tried to sue the city and everybody involved but eventually gave up and decided to build an insane castle instead. Obviously he's intent on revenge then, right? Or, and maybe I'm just an extreme optimist, celebration? This is just a cute little party for his horrid son, right?

At least there's cake.

Batman discovers the kitchen which seemingly hasn't been used for years, except maybe the cake pan and the rat poison. But while Batman investigates, he's ambushed by Lachlan the Monster Baby. I mean Lachlan the Monster Young Man of Thirty!

Another person at the party is some guy named Warren. I didn't mention him because I didn't know how he fit in but it turns out he was the lawyer who told Macabre he should drop his lawsuit because he didn't have a case. Okay, sure, he probably deserves to be killed. But not Dale and Joan! They did all they could and they didn't even throw up when they got a look at the hideous baby! You couldn't ask for more!

The lawyer slips up and says something about how Angus must know the truth which is why he brought them there to kill them. A-ha! So he does deserve to die! But Dale and Joan are just innocent victims who tried their best with 1960s medical technology!

Yes, Lachlan, yes! That is Baaaat-maaaaan!

Batman doesn't exactly beat the shit out of Lachlan but he does throw him to the ground and makes him cry. I'm used to Batman beating up mentally ill people but mentally handicapped people now? Come on, Bruce! Be better!

Apparently Joan and Dale did deserve to be sued for malpractice because they made some kind of deal with the lawyer to get the case dropped. But he's been blackmailing them ever since. Although wouldn't Thomas Wayne bear the brunt of the responsibility? He decided an intern was good enough for the procedure. And what would the nurse have done that went against Wayne's instructions that would cause her to be at fault? And since if anybody is to blame for the death of Macabre's wife it would be Thomas Wayne, then it was surely a tragic accident that could not have been avoided. Because we're not going to sully Thomas Wayne's name here. Are we?!

Batman realizes time is short so he teams up with Lachlan to save the day.

"I know you can't understand that I'm manipulating you to help me throw your father in jail but that's life, kid!"

After Angus winds up in jail for attempted murder, maybe Batman will hire Lachlan to help out Harold in the Batcave?

Batman winds up having to save everybody from the gun wielding lawyer who loses his mind at the thought that Angus might be trying to blackmail them. He learns that Angus was just trying to get everybody involved to show a little compassion for him and his son. Why after thirty years? I don't know. Maybe he ran out of money building the crazy castle for his son to play in and was hoping they'd feel bad for their part in his wife's death and give him a little charity. But in the end, they all just leave feeling a little sadder and maybe a little guilty. But I bet Bruce Wayne sent him a big fat check soon after! Maybe he even offered Lachlan a job for $100,000 a year!

The Ranking
I just love these Alan Grant one shots. I'd forgotten what it's like to read a mainstream comic book that doesn't spread the story out over six issues for future compilation considerations! Just a nice little story about Batman punching a mentally disabled person in the face and then bribing him to take him to his father so he can arrest him on suspicion of murder. Of course, the rat poison kept in the kitchen was actually meant for rats and didn't wind up in the cake at all so Batman felt pretty sheepish by the end of the story. Not only did he jump to a conclusion that could have seriously hurt an old man but he also knocked the shit out of his poor mentally disabled son! It truly wasn't one of Batman's better showings. But I'm glad the story was told so we could see one of Batman's rare fails! I mean, ultimately everything turned out okay. But Batman was fucking on the wrong track the entire time and was just lucky that a villain appeared in the lawyer that Batman could take out.

Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #16 (Fourth Week of March 2018)

E!TACT! #16
The Terrifics #1, Strangers in Paradise XXV #2, Exit Stage Left: The Snagglepuss Chronicles #3, Deathstroke #29, Black Lightning: Cold, Dead Hands #5, and Letters to Me!
By Grunion Guy

This week, let's start with a letter:

Upright: So why’d you leave the website and turn to newsletters?

My reply: I liked the idea of doing something that was more akin to a zine than a web page. I had been playing with the idea of doing a monthly roleplaying zine to publish digitally for a dollar. It was going to be a companion piece to my cribbage roleplaying game with lots of other features. I'd even designed most of the first issue but realized I was way too far ahead of myself. I still needed to get art for the cRPG (cribbage roleplaying game and not computer roleplaying game. Maybe I need different shorthand for it) and make some tweaks with the game world.

About the same time, I was drifting away from reading as many comic books as I had been and didn't feel like writing about most of the ones I kept reading (being that the worst comic books were the most fun to write about and those were the books I had stopped reading). Plus the comic book branding on the site was never as great as it should have been being that I didn't give a fuck. What the hell does the gibberish name "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea" have to do with comic books anyway? And what kind of review site barely reviews the comic books they're writing about due to constantly segueing into "made-up" stories like masturbating in the bathroom sink (which was totally made up and not just in the way that somebody insists that something embarrassing is made-up so that the person thinks it's true because they're protesting too much but in the way where a person protests just enough so the reader thinks, "Yeah, that totally can't be true. Gross.").

So I was looking for a change and thought that before I try to publish things on Amazon or whatever online publisher isn't akin to sucking the devil's cock, I thought this could be an interesting hybrid idea. I figured I could begin doing shorter comic book reviews by dropping most of the comic book review but keeping all the tangents. Then I thought I would add more features as I went along to make it more zine-like. It would be more like my original Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea blog idea than the comic book pseudo-review site it became.

One other thing before another thing and then a final thing: people who follow you on social media sites probably rarely see anything you post. When you see a person on Twitter or Tumblr and they follow more than a few dozen people, you realize that they may as well not be following anybody. They certainly aren't seeing everything every follower posts which says to me that they don't really give a shit about any of the people they follow. I mean, obviously they do or they wouldn't follow them. But when you follow your 968th person on Twitter, do you really think you're going to see much of anything that person posts? Maybe people are spending a lot more time on these social media sites than I give them credit for!

Anyway, I decided that anybody who still felt the things I write to entertain myself were still entertaining to them, they could follow me this way. And then when they wanted to stop following me because I hurt their stupid gun loving Republican feelings, they could unsubscribe. At the very least, I'd have a better gauge on how many people were, in some small way, feeling entertained by stuff that entertains me.

The other thing: most of the people on the Internet don't deserve most of the things on the Internet. So this is my velvet rope to keep out the morons.

That final thing I mentioned: in a future Newsletter, I will start trying to sell things. I just have to finish a few of them and find an artist. And then decide how to publish them. I'm really looking forward to selling everybody a copy of The Chicken by the Gate.

I still (rarely) post reviews on the website. But only to remind people that this is where I'm really spending my time. I mean the time I'm not spending playing Fortnite and Overwatch.

It's also possible that all of that is bullshit and a therapist would realize that the only reason I spent so much time working on the website previously was because it was also time spent hanging out with my cat Judas. Once he died, it just wasn't the same anymore. But that imagined therapist can go fuck herself for making me sad all over again. Stupid jerk!

Comic Book Reviews!

The Terrifics #1
By Reis, Lemire, Prado, and Maiolo

I don't know why I scanned the middle part of the triple sized vertical cover when the bottom part is the most interesting because it features Tom Strong.

There was a time when putting Plastic Man into your mainstream comic book meant you didn't give a fuck about your comic book. It screamed "This comic book is a silly piece of shit that nobody is going to take seriously." Which is weird because I've always thought that that was how comic books should always present themselves. Unless, of course, you're Chris Ware and then your comic book should scream, "You are going to weep harder than that time that life kicked you square in the crotch and then pissed on your face and recorded it to play back in front of all of your loved ones every time they almost thought perhaps they might be a little bit proud of you."

Writers should never fear putting whimsically silly characters into their comic books. But the problem with most writers is that they're writers. And writers often have this pressing need to seem profound and intellectual. If I were allowed to declare who could be a writer and who couldn't, I'd immediately disqualify all men with severe daddy issues who need to prove themselves to the world. I think we've had enough of those. Besides, why aren't they going into Wall Street with the other "Daddy! Daddy! My bank account proves I'm not a failure!" asshats? Then they'd have to pass my only test. I'd put them alone in a room with a covered easel (and hidden cameras, of course!). Then I'd press a button and the sheet would drop from the easel where a canvas would rest with simply the word "fart" on it. If they sneered or rolled their eyes or clutched their "I'm above this kind of juvenile bullshit" pearls, I'd announce that they couldn't be a writer. Right after I filled the room with my stored farts, of course.

Maybe it's a good thing I'm not in charge of who gets to write. I suppose some highbrow bullshit that gets you thinking about stuff I never want to think about is good for somebody somewhere. But I'd rather read Vonnegut than Hemingway. I'd also rather force people to do what I would do.

But then maybe I should also remember that I'm re-reading a bunch of Piers Anthony books currently. I'm not sure I'd say he's a sexist writer but his works are definitely burdened by the male chauvinistic attitudes of mid to late twentieth century thinking. I know I'm supposed to be commenting on The Terrifics #1 but here's an excerpt from A Spell for Chameleon, a book written in 1977 which won the Novel of the Year from the British Fantasy Society. I meant to write some kind of essay on the sexist and gendered attitudes in the Xanth novels but I'm too lazy to get into that kind of structured bullshit. That stuff is written by people who don't smirk at the word "farts."

Excerpt from A Spell for Chameleon (for review purposes only or something. Stupid Pickle Boy was supposed to get his law degree to help me out with junk like this but did he? Nooooo! He decided he'd rather work at Subway):

The others arrived: two men and three young women. The men were ordinary, bearded farmers, one young, one middle-aged; the girls ranged from indifferent to ravishing. Bink forced his eyes away from the prettiest one lest he stare. She was the most voluptuous, striking, black-haired beauty he had ever seen, a diamond in the mud of this region.
     "Now the six of you sit down across from each other at this table," the bailiff said in his official voice. "I'll do the talking when the judge comes. Mind you, this is a play—but it's secret. When I swear you in, it's for keeps—absolutely no blabbing about the details after you get out, understand?"
     They all nodded. Bink was becoming more perplexed. He now understood about playing opposite a sweet young thing—but what kind of play was this, with an audience of one, that no one was permitted to report on later? Well, so be it; maybe it was a kind of magic.
     The three men sat in a row on one side of the table, and the three girls faced them. Bink was opposite the beautiful one; her knees touched his, for the table was narrow. They were silky smooth, sending a shiver of appreciation up his legs. Remember Sabrina! he told himself. He was not ordinarily swayed by a pretty face, but this was an extraordinary face. It didn't help that she wore a tight sweater. What a figure!
     The judge entered—a portly man with impressive paunch and sideburns. "All stand," the bailiff said.
     They all stood respectfully.
     The judge took a seat at the end of the table and the bailiff moved to the far side. They all sat down.
     "Do you three ladies swear to tell no truth other than that presented in this hearing, any time, anywhere, and to shut up about that?" the bailiff demanded.
     "We do," the girls chorused.
     "And do you three louts swear the same?"
     "We do," Bink said with the others. If he was supposed to lie here, but never to talk about it outside, did that mean it wasn't really a lie? The bailiff knew what was true and what was false, presumably, so in effect—
     "Now this is the hearing for an alleged rape," the bailiff announced. Bink, shocked, tried to conceal his dismay. Were they supposed to act out a rape?
     "Among these present," the bailiff continued, "is the girl who says she was raped—and the man she charges. He says it happened but it was voluntary. That right, men?"
     Bink nodded vigorously along with the others. Brother! He would rather have chopped wood for his night's lodging. Here he was, possibly lying about a rape he never committed.
     "This is done anonymously to protect the reputation of those involved," the bailiff said. "So's to have an advisory opinion, in the presence of the first parties, without advertising it to the whole community."
     Bink was beginning to understand. A girl who had been raped could be ruined, though it was no fault of her own; many men would refuse to marry her for that reason alone. Thus she could win her case but lose her future. A man guilty of rape could be exiled, and a man accused of rape would be viewed with suspicion, complicating his own future. It was almost, he thought grimly, as serious a crime as having no magic. Getting at the truth could be a very delicate matter, not something either party would want to advertise in a pubic trial. Win or lose, reputations would suffer grievously. Yet how could justice be done if it never came to trial? Thus this private, semianonymous hearing. Would it suffice?
     "She says she was walking down by the Gap," the bailiff said, glancing at his notes. "He came up behind her, grabbed her, and raped her. Right, girls?"
      The three girls nodded, each looking hurt and angry. The vigorous head motion caused the knee of the girl facing Bink to shake, and another ripple of suggestion traveled up his leg. What an opposite lady, in what a play!
     "He says he was standing there and she came up and made a suggestion and he took her up on it. Right, men?"
     Bink nodded with the others. He hoped his side won; this was nervous business.
     Now the judge spoke. "Was it close to a house?"
     "'Bout a hundred feet," the bailiff said.
      "Then why did she not scream?"
     "He said he'd push her off the brink if she made a sound," the bailiff replied. "She was frozen in terror. Right, girls?"
     They nodded—and each looked momentarily terrified. Bink wondered which of the three had actually been raped. Then he corrected his thought hastily: which one had made the accusation? He hoped it wasn't the one opposite him.
     "Were the two known to each other prior to the occasion?"
     "Yes, Your Honor."
      "Then I presume she would have fled him at the outset, had she disliked him—and that he would not have forced her if she trusted him. In a small community like this, people get to know each other very well, and there are few actual surprises. This is not conclusive, but it strongly suggests she had no strong aversion to contact with him, and may have tempted him with consequence she later regretted. I would probably, were this case to come up in formal court, find the man not guilty of the charge, by virtue of reasonable doubt."
      The three men relaxed. Bink became aware of a trickle of sweat on his forehead, generated while he listened to the judge's potential decision.
      "Okay, you have the judge's ifso," said the bailiff. "You girls still want to bring it to open trial?"
      Grim-faced, looking betrayed, the three girls shook their heads, no. Bink felt sorry for his opposite. How could she avoid being seductive? She was a creature constructed for no other visible purpose than ra—than love.
     "Then take off," the bailiff said. "Remember—no talking outside, or we'll have a real trial, for contempt of court." The warning seemed superfluous; the girls would hardly be talking about this one. The guilty—uh, innocent—man would also shutup, and Bink himself just wanted to get clear of this village. That left only one man who might want to talk—but if he breathed a word, all the others would know who had blabbed. There would be silence.

That's...um...that's quite the scene, Piers. Maybe this was Mr. Anthony's Shakespeare moment where he got to put a play within a play. But what a weird fucking play in what is supposedly a light-hearted fantasy adventure. I suspect Piers thought he had figured out the way to deal with rape charges in a sensible fashion. Which makes it even more odd that, throughout the entire scene, Bink focuses on the erection he has over the woman sitting across from him. He even lets his mind wander to how she's made for rape! What the fuck, Piers?!

So in Mr. Anthony's world, the worst part about rape isn't the rape. It's that the rape trial ruins the reputation of both the accused and accuser, no matter the jury's decision. So it's best to hold the trial in front of a male judge who seems to believe that all rape cases should end in clearing the name of the accused due to reasonable doubt. Unless, I suppose, there was a witness. Although if there was a witness who was against rape, I would assume they would have stopped the rape. If the witness was pro-rape and probably jerking off while watching, why would that witness bother to come forward? Or would he be forced to come forward with two people who weren't him and they would all just shake their heads no when asked if they saw anything?

It's a weird fucking moment in this book that won best fantasy novel of the year. And while it seems to me that Piers Anthony really thought he was coming up with a sensitive way to deal with bringing rape to trial, he simply just reiterated how rape is dealt with at trial anyway! The guy is almost always protected and seen as innocent while the woman is blamed through questioning her actions. How is Piers rape justice any better than the reality? In fact, it's actually worse. What Piers seems to be suggesting is a way to bring rape to trial so that the man, who will not be found guilty anyway, gets to also keep his non-rape reputation intact!

And that part where Bink thinks about the woman across from him being made for rape and how she can't help seducing people? It's, unbelievably, not the worst part. Later when Bink asks the bailiff to give him directions, the bailiff explains that Wynne, the seductress that sat across from him, can help him. Bink is suddenly nervous that if he's alone with her, she'll accuse him of rape. The bailiff identifies her as, "Your opposite. The one you almost raped." He then pauses for a moment and then says, "Not that I blame you."

Jesus fucking Christ! I'd better just read The Terrifics #1 now before I mention how the males in the rest of the Xanth books think about women! It's fucking terrible. The Terribles!

Back to The Terrifics #1
By those guys I mentioned previously

Mister Terrific begins the book by calling all but three people on Earth sheep-like zombies without an ounce of curiosity or intellect. It's possible he's talking about less people than that but seeing as how he's the third smartest person on Earth (behind two other men who are men), I feel like he's rubbing his giant brain penis all over my face. It turns out I don't like it as much as I thought I would.

Mister Terrific's opening speech is probably meant to impress me. He refuses to be ignorant of any part of the mystery of the universe. He says, "I demand to know the answers. I seek out these mysteries and solve them. I wrangle the unknowable...and pin the impossible down." Aside from the titillating sexual imagery of this statement, I'm not a fan. It just shows he's as needy for meaning as the faithful! Let some of it go, man! You can't solve every mystery of the universe because you're a human being which means you're basically a narcissist which means your ultimate search for truth is a search for a reason for your personal existence. There isn't a reason, man! You're a cosmic accident and you're either lucky or unlucky to have been born into whatever this reality happens to be for. It exists because it exists and you exist because you exist and tautologies exist because sometimes there is no other reason for something than that thing's own being. Besides, you're an atheist in a world where gods and devils have been proven to exist. How smart can you actually be?!

Oh, Mister Terrific ends that sexy wrestling quote with "I guess that's why they call me Mr. Terrific." No. That's why you call yourself Mr. Terrific! You made up your own superhero nickname. You chose to be called Mr. Terrific and that's why people call you Mr. Terrific! I think we're back to tautologies!

I'm fairly certain saying that to a caveman is some kind of racist. Speciesest, maybe?

Mr. Terrific, Metamorpho, and Plastic Man all wind up in the Dark Multiverse so they can find the fourth member of The Terrifics, Linnya Wazzo. It's not as funny as Tiny Wazoo but I'm still chuckling. She's one of them Phantom Girls from that comic book about teenagers fucking each other constantly. They also meet a hologram of Tom Strong which declares Tom Strong is probably dead and the people who found the hologram had better be some kind of godlike hero because it's now up to them to save the universe.

The Terrifics #1 Rating: Didn't the universe just get saved in Metal? How many times is this stupid universe going to need saving? The worst conceit of comic books is that humans (or humanoid alien equivalents) need to act as property managers for the universe. I'm pretty sure it's doing fine. And if somebody comes along to destroy it because they're a super-villain with a really terrible plan (I mean, why would you want to destroy the reality in which you live? I guess they must all be super depressed. Maybe I should re-read Crisis on Infinite Earths keeping in mind that the Anti-Monitor is just mentally ill), isn't that just part of the universe taking care of itself (poorly, I admit)?

Anyway, I hope Tom Strong isn't really dead or else this comic book is terrible. Although Tom Strong not written by Alan Moore is probably better off dead, right?


Strangers in Paradise XXV #2
By Moore

I don't know how to feel about this. I already did my last of my lifetime re-read of the complete Strangers in Paradise and now Terry Moore is adding another chapter to the story? (This is where everybody reading thinks, "Now here comes the "more/Moore" joke!" This is also where I say, "Fuck you! I'm no hack!" Then I think, "See, Brain? You don't know everything, do you?! I knew that more/Moore joke was way too easy! I'm glad I listen to you, Penis.")

I suppose I could have refused to purchase it. But then where would I get my fill of sort-of-lesbian stories that don't devolve into complete pornography? Nowhere on the Internet, that's certain. Although now that I've described Strangers in Paradise as "sort-of-lesbian stories that don't devolve into complete pornography," I'm beginning to wonder what the appeal was. Perhaps the appeal was that, while reading it, I was anticipating the devolving into complete pornography which is what kept me hooked. Only now, after the series was finished, do I realize it was the biggest blue balls of my life. At least Elfquest finished up with a huge elf orgy!

Maybe that's why I didn't continue to read all the Elfquest stories after "Kings of the Broken Wheel." Because I already nutted! Although it probably has more to do with Wendy and Richard Pini setting up an Elfquest fan-fiction publication and brought Marv Wolfman into the mix in some way. I don't remember if he actually did anything. I just remember him being at the Elfquest Movie panel at San Diego Comic-con which caused me to think, "I guess some elves are going to be raped in the movie?"

Mentioning rape reminds me that I should get around to finishing my Places and Predators Hero Text Adventure. For one of the puzzles, there was going to be a magic wand that removes the first letter of any object to turn it into a new object. I thought about having a grape in the game so if somebody used the wand on it, the response would just be, "NO." Or maybe, since the object of the game is to buy the perfect present for the Hero's girlfriend, the Virgin, I could allow the player to make the most horrible choice they could ever make in a game. I wonder if I can program an EMP to go off via Inform?

Although I guess I already did that in my webcomic, Dwarf Lover (not the EMP! The part where the reader chooses to rape somebody!). Part of the series was in Choose Your Own Adventure format and one of the choices led the reader to attempt rape. The choices weren't "Do you rape Sheila?" and "Do you not do something terrible even though you're chaotic evil?" It was a little more ambiguous. Maybe I should have put a Content Warning on the rapey choice.

This quote is from Picasso at age five arguing with a playmate at a friend's birthday party.

Katchoo finds herself in the town of Manson as she searches for the missing Parker Girl, Stephanie. It reminds me that I need to finish reading my Rachel Rising omnibus. I hope I can remember what was happening when I left off. I also hope my forearms are still strong enough to lift that thing.

Strangers in Paradise XXV #2 Rating: This comic book has a completely black back cover. Why do publishers still allow comic books to be made with black covers? I can't say for sure because I never wash my hands but even if I had just washed and dried my hands, I'm confident they'd leave greasy prints all over the stupid thing anyway. Not that it matters since most of my comic books will almost certainly wind up in a landfill somewhere after I die and my current cat at the time of death partially eats my face. But it's still annoying. Aside from that criticism, it was a typical Strangers in Paradise book except for the absence of Francine. Although the way Terry Moore draws most women so similarly (also maybe I'm comic book face blind), I could have been reading Motor Girl or Echo or Rachel Rising. But I don't think I was. I'm pretty sure it was Katchoo stuck on the edge of the cliff for the entirety of the story.


Exit Stage Left: The Snagglepuss Chronicles #3
By Russell, Stilwell, Feehan, Vazquez, Morales, Mounts, and Campbell

Rating: Do I have to give this a rating? It's written by Mark Russell and when has he ever failed to pack a whole lot of philosophical and social commentary into the most unlikely franchises? Well, two of them, anyway (meaning The Flinstones and Prez, for those not in the know). This isn't just a comic book about a gay playwright heading for a precipitous fall thanks to Joseph McCarthy's Communist witch-hunt. It's also about patriotism and acting and immigration and love and family and cartoon characters and pretty much anything else Russell feels like discussing. And it's all done so well that I don't have to comment on it because I'd just be repeating what he said but with dick jokes in. Just like with The Flintstones! And Prez! And probably that Bible thing he wrote that I won't read even though I'm sure it's nothing like my Bible thing being that his rewrites the entire Bible in a fairly short amount of space and I'm dissecting The Bible so thoroughly that I've already got 300 pages on Genesis and I'm only to Joseph's international work in Egypt.

What I'm saying is this book gets the highest rating in whatever rating format I should probably be using. Lots of stars or thumbs or buttholes or something.


Deathstork #29
By Priest, Neves, Scott, and Cox

Rating: I remember praising Priest for this book and the way he was telling the stories. But it doesn't work anymore. The book began as a bimonthly book (twice a month not every two months. Stupid English) so his multiple story lines and quick scenes to establish character worked well. But now that it's monthly, I can't remember all of these tangled story threads. The book is just too confusing. Maybe Priest forgot that he was writing comic books. He does know that we're a much dumber audience than actual book readers, doesn't he? I guess he doesn't because I have no idea what's going on in this book anymore. Except that Deathstork statutory raped Terra and now in this issue, he's simply mocking her for being his victim. I may not be a young teenager on Tumblr who is constantly amazed when they experience any kind of media from before they were born in which people are decent and socially progressive but I think what Deathstork is doing is probably wrong? I mean, sure, exes can be super annoying. I get that part! But I think when you've been in a relationship with a minor and later the police show up at your door, you probably aren't supposed to roll your eyes and say, "Exes, amirite?!"

I would watch this show.

Black Lightning: Cold Dead Hands #5
By Isabela, Henry, Guichet, and Pantazis

Rating: This is the penultimate issue. That means Black Lightning gets his ass severely beaten while Tobias Whale tells him his entire super villain plan. Next issue, Black Lightning's heart or will or belief in himself will grow ten sizes bigger and he'll summon the power to not be killed by Tobias Whale. Then he'll be all, "Thank goodness I now know Whale's plan so I can stop it efficiently in twenty short pages!" Or nineteen pages, anyway, because he needs to stick his dick in the principal of the school where he works on page twenty.

Letters to Me!

KBwrites: Harrumph! Still didn't get the newsletter via email. Oh well, I'm a bright boy, I just looked at it online.

"At one time in my life, I would have scoffed at that. I really did think, at some point in the past, that comic book readers were less likely to be prejudiced and racist assholes. I have no idea why I thought that. We've had plenty of evidence to the contrary to wake me from my naïve stupor. Every time some white male character gets traded out for a minority character, a large percentage of fanboys simply lose their shit."

Yeah, you'd think that people who enjoyed comic books might cleave to the ideals of their favorite characters. Even I am that most embarrassing type of comic readers, the Hal Jordan fan, exactly because I'd like to foster his virtues in myself: he knows right from wrong and cannot be intimidated into doing the wrong thing. (In theory every superhero has a healthy serving of those virtues, but they're what Hal excels at.) I'd be really disappointed in myself if what I liked about Hal was that he makes big green things and there are lots of explosions.

"Duke Thomas"

Agreed. The correct thing to do is present the character to the readers, and if they warm to the character, keep using him. If they aren't into the character, work on the concept or the execution -- but don't keep shoving the character at us in hopes that we will eventually give in and like him. This isn't a romantic comedy and we aren't the woman with the jerk boyfriend (Damien).

"it seems the plot dealt with Thomas Wayne being a monster who worked with Carmine Falcone."

Another story I would have passed on. While there might be good stories to tell about Thomas and Martha Wayne, giving one or the other a dark backstory doesn't rise to the level of "good". It introduces a conceptual problem as well. The deal with Batman is, Bruce Wayne learned at an early age that anyone can be taken from you for absolutely no reason, and he makes it his mission to protect people from being killed. Except, if Thomas Wayne was himself a criminal with a heinous list of misdeeds to his name, then his being killed by a criminal isn't random tragedy; it's poetic justice at a minimum, and (depending on the details) possibly even a direct consequence of his own actions. He who lives by the sword dies by the sword; he who lives by carpentry dies by carpentry (cough Jesus cough); and he who lives by crime dies by crime. It doesn't change the value of Batman's mission but it does ruin the thematic foundations.

"So how does that relate to Batman? Well, he began his journey just like a bill to stop another dog from dying on an airline. His parents were killed senselessly so he passed the Batman Law to prevent something like that from ever happening again. It's purely selfish. And while I agree that it could be a move to increase the greater good, it seems most Batman writers don't approach it that way."

Yes. I would further argue that it's not that Bruce Wayne wants to beat crime specifically, but the thousand ways human beings can suffer. Batman is just his way of dealing with crime that is beyond the scope of the Gotham PD.

"Like Tynion in this issue. Batman is less concerned with the fact that Batwoman probably saved hundreds of lives by killing an out of control Clayface. All Batman cares about is that she broke his rules. Batman has decided to embrace his system more than the reason that system exists. It's to save people."

Adults have to deal with competing principles pretty often. It shouldn't be that difficult for an adult to write a Batman who wrestles with competing principles. Though to Tynion's credit, it sounds like he had other characters express the various perspectives, so it's not like he hasn't thought this through. He just makes Batman sound like a moron.

Go Hommlet!

My reply:

"Yeah, you'd think that people who enjoyed comic books might cleave to the ideals of their favorite characters."

Maybe this is where my naiveté comes from. When I (and you!) began reading comic books, super heroes were actually heroic (even if not long after I started reading, many of them became bumbling). The generations of comic book readers after us grew up on dark Batman and dark Daredevil and depressing everything else (most of it published by 90s Image (which should be no reflection on current Image!)). They didn't give a shit about Hal's code. They just wanted to see some aliens pay with their lives. Things became less about saving people and making the world a better place to focus more on punishing bad guys. That's a hugely warped view of what seemed to be, at one time, the essential nature of comic books.

I don't know if you were ever into computer games but I often think back to Ultima IV: Quest of the Avatar and how truly groundbreaking it was. Instead of questing to kill some terrible monster or stop evil from taking over the land, the entire premise was to make yourself a shining example for the people of Britannia. Imagine playing a game that refuses to let you win not just because you stole and murdered but also because you lied or refused to give to the needy or slaughtered monsters who were fleeing from combat? I imagine there are a lot of gamers today who couldn't even comprehend how Ultima IV was entertainment.

"Another story I would have passed on. While there might be good stories to tell about Thomas and Martha Wayne, giving one or the other a dark backstory doesn't rise to the level of 'good'."

You're right in how it changes Batman's entire philosophy. He'd be a different sort of dark knight if he grew up with the knowledge that his father was a criminal who most likely got what he deserved. Just finding out the premise of the Telltale Game made me glad I never picked it up (not that there was any chance of that; I played the first chapter of their Walking Dead game (because it was free) and grew bored fairly quickly). But I did appreciate the way this story was told in the aftermath of the one I'm going to assume was shitty and terrible.

"[Tynion] just makes Batman sound like a moron."

I don't think James Tynion IV likes Batman at all. I believe he's writing Detective Comics with the view that Batman is all that is wrong with the patriarchy and the kids are going to teach him what's right. But he also knows that he can't get too crazy with this idea because Batman fans read Detective Comics. So he introduced into the mix the super patriarchal figure that also happens to be a patriarch: Batwoman's dad. I suspect we're going to see Batwoman become an example of a woman being manipulated by the Patriarchy into believing its lies. That's a story that I don't mind seeing. But I just don't get why Batman should be seen as the enemy when he's way more progressive than just about everybody else in Gotham. Except maybe Alfred Pennyworth. And when he's visiting, Dick Grayson, of course.

"Go Hommlet!"

Yeah. Straight to hell! I was so mad when I bought that module and discovered it was all about roleplaying with hardly any hacking or slashing. And then they made me wait years for The Temple of Elemental Evil where all the good stuff was located!

And that's a wrap! Goodbye, jerkos!

Batman: Gotham Nights #4 (April 1992)

"One order of doughnut holes coming up!"

The Cover
I always knew Batman was a peeper. Dirty fucking scuzzy peeper. Especially loves peeping people shooting other people. Secret gun lover, that guy. I, who am not a secret gun lover, have no idea if this is how you sight a shotgun. I figured you just sort of it pointed it in approximately the right direction and pulled the trigger. After that, you've probably hit the thing you were aiming at as well as everything else in your field of vision. On a side note, those cupcakes look disgusting. Probably because they're muffins. Gross. Muffins are an affront to the Cupcake God. Fucking waste of time.

The big problem with the cover only reveals itself after reading the issue. Rosemary goes up on the roof of the train station to threaten people with a rifle. Now, I'm not one of those people who needs the comic book cover to depict the actual story inside. I've been reading them for forty years! I know how it works. But am I naïve to think that Eduardo Barreto was just sent a note that read "Cover: Rosemary with a gun"? Maybe that's me just giving the benefit of the doubt to the artist when what I'm certain happened was that Eduardo was sent the script along with that note and, being an artist, he was all, "I'm not fucking reading all that!" That isn't a criticism of the literacy of artists! That's just the reality based on all the fucking artists I'm friends with!

The Story So Far
Don't worry about it. It's not like Rosemary, Jennifer, Jimmy, Dio, Migdalia, Joel, and Emma are going to remain in continuity after this. And Batman's mostly just been on the cover in some form or another.

The Story
This issue is called "Heart of the City" so I'm assuming we're going to learn what makes Gotham tick. It's probably not Batman because he's not really important to this story, remember? I just fucking mentioned that. My guess is we'll learn that violence is the heart of the Gotham City. Or maybe just crime in general. Corruption perhaps? Certainly not hope or love or brotherhood.

Fucking Ostrander's home library probably won a world record for most least interesting books in one place.

Some cities, particularly the ones with the huge Gothic cathedrals, also reflect mankind's sexual frustrations due to religious dogma. But I don't know what that (the Abrams' quote and my nonsense) has to do with this story. My guess is nothing specific. Ostrander just wants to remind the readers that Gotham figures large in the minds of its citizens. The city is shaped by the people and, recursively, shapes the people. And since the heart of the city is violence (according to some genius I read earlier), just about everybody introduced in this story so far has gotten their hands on a gun. Kojak bang bang!

Dio takes his gun and follows his wife around the city hoping that she'll meet with her ex-lover and he can blow up to three people's brains out. Most of his internal monologue revolves around which brains to blow out and in which order. Joel carries his gun to a meeting with his doctor because, well, I don't fucking know. I mean, I know why he does! Ostrander needed another point of tension and drama. But what's his motivation for carrying it to the doctor's appointment, Mr. Ostrander? I get that you want the reader to wonder if he's going to use it against somebody on the streets of Gotham because he's angry and they're rude and he's dying and they're having the times of their lives. Ultimately though, Joel's gun is just a red herring. He never uses and never really has any intention of using it. He's just sad and angry and depressed and afraid for his wife's future. The gun that does matter is the rifle that Rosemary brings to work.

In 1992, nobody was tricked by government propaganda into believing the snitch line "If you see something, say something."

Mamoud, Rosemary's co-worker, just chalks up her bringing a rifle to work as crazy white nonsense. He doesn't say it in so many words but you can tell that's what he went home to tell his friends later. I wish Mamoud was one of the main characters. He seems chill and likeable. Although, if I have to be honest with myself on this occasion, I suppose if Mamoud was the main character, I'd never shut up about how fucking boring the comic book was. "He's just making fucking doughnuts at his stupid job which some idiot stupidly called 'Dounuts'! Why can't he bring a gun to work and start shooting people?!"

Once all the main characters (excepting Rosemary) wind up on the streets outside the train terminal, Rosemary begins shooting from the observation deck. We'll eventually learn that she's not actively trying to hurt anybody and that she's a sharpshooter so nobody was ever in any danger at all. She's just trying to be a threat so that Batman will arrive and she can fuck him. The problem is, Batman has no idea what she's talking about when she calls him Frank and tells him that she loves him too. Batman, being the emotionless monster he is, simply passes her over to Gordon and the other cops after telling her he has no idea what the fuck she's going on about. Does she ever come back as a super villain? "The Dounut!"

Some of the other main characters I haven't mentioned: the taxi, the traffic signal, the car headlight.

During the shooting spree, Jimmy realizes he loves Jennifer. Joel realize he doesn't want to murder/suicide Emma. And Dio just wants to martyr himself for all the other citizens of Gotham because his wife's probably fucking somebody else and his kid probably isn't his. At least that's what he thinks. But he's wrong. Everybody's wrong, actually. I mean, sure, Joel's still dying of cancer. It's all the stuff each character believes that they didn't hear from their doctor that's wrong. Jennifer actually wants a stable relationship even at the risk of being hurt. Jimmy wants to get past his wife's death and try again. Dio is the father of Migdalia's child and Migdalia hasn't been cheating on him at all. She just had a job while he was in prison. And Batman isn't Frank and doesn't love Rosemary. Funny how all of those things could have been worked out through communication instead of guns. Although it was the guns that caused everybody to start communicating so, um, I guess guns are good? They're problem solvers? Is that the moral of this story?

The story ends not with Batman saving anybody (since nobody was actually in any danger anyway) but with Bruce Wayne saving the day with his money! Through Joel's doctor, Bruce heard about an elderly Black couple with money and mortality problems and he decided to offer them both jobs with $100,000 salaries! Could that be the end of every Batman story? He just goes to The Penguin and is all, "How about a job for $100,000 a year?" And then he tells The Riddler, "You can run my new kid's magazine company for $100,000 a year!" And then he hires The Joker for corporate events at $100,000 a year and puts Bane on the Wayne Foundation Wrestling Circuit for $100,000 a year and, well, you see the pattern, right?

The Ranking
Holy shit am I glad this was only four issues because I could not give a fuck about any of these people after two and a half! Except maybe Rosemary. I could read more comics starring Rosemary the Dounut Lady. She might as well be one of Batman's villains seeing as how she's already suffering from mental illness. I hope when I get to John Ostrander's Suicide Squad, it's as interesting as I remember and nothing like this! Not that this was bad. It was a well told story that kept me from thinking about my future non-existence for a good amount of time. It's just that I'm an adult now. I don't want to read a story about a woman who loves to fuck but then not get seven pages of detailed fucking pictures! Hmm, maybe I'd enjoy some Comicsgate comics on Kickstarter? I bet all of their comics are total perv shows! The only problem is I need some good story to my porn and I'm sure Comicsgaters can't fucking tell a story to sell a comic book without a bunch of angry incel fans worked up via slimy YouTube videos with links to their Patreons and Kickstarters.

Batman: Gotham Nights #3 (March 1992)

So much shit happening in Gotham and Batman's gotta hassle Joel and Emma for "sitting on a park bench at night while Black".

The Cover
When I saw this cover, I thought, "Did this inspire Alan Grant to name his series Shadow of the Bat?" Then I looked up the release dates of this issue and Shadow of the Bat #1 because I knew it would be close. This came out about three weeks before Shadow of the Bat #1 So that doesn't make a lot of sense. But Eduardo Barreto may have known about Grant's upcoming series and was all, "Yeah! The shadow of the bat! Iconic, right?!" Of course, the idea that the shadow of Batman is an iconic image that falls across the faces of unsuspecting criminals as they're doing their criming just means that Barreto and Grant didn't need any specific outside influences to come up with their covers and the names of their comic book series, respectively. In other words, I should just delete everything I just wrote since it ultimately comes to naught. Then I should replace it with something like, "Barreto's cover for this issue shows how the people of Gotham do not just live under the constant light of the Bat Signal signifying danger and chaos (or justice and order?) but also under the direct shadow of the man who will pass judgment on them." The Bat Signal from last issue is a light in the dark. It is the hope. It is for the dreams of the people to live in a safe city. Batman's shadow, the swathe of darkness passing across the city, signifies fear and danger. For the criminals, of course! Not for old dying men and their wives wondering where to buy a shotgun in the middle of the night sitting on a park bench.

The Story So Far
The stories of the people we were introduced to in Issue #1 advanced a little in Issue #2, some more than others. Jennifer and Dio had the most plot progression as they engaged in conflict with intimate partners. Jennifer finding out the guy she just met that day who told her how he lied for a living was lying to her. And Dio, a criminal on parole, engaging in more criminal behavior and accusing his wife of infidelity. Noel learned he had six months left to live but, being that he looks like he's eighty, it couldn't have come as too much of a shock. I understand that being given a fairly credible end date to your life must be shocking no matter when it happens. But don't eighty year olds live every day thinking, "Fucking Christ oh my God it could happen at any moment how do I fucking block out the thought holy shit holy shit holy shit"? I've been thinking that way since I was nineteen! And, yes, I know that isn't healthy! Obviously I wish my brain worked differently!

Rosemary's story didn't really advance much either. She had a wet dream about marrying Batman with Lobo in attendance (that's what made it wet) and then cried when she woke up to her normal life. And, finally, we learned Jimmy, Jennifer's not-gay-at-all friend, was wrestling with the demons of a past relationship. It's possible he killed her and Jennifer's fucking lucky she hasn't climbed into bed with that psycho. Maybe hooking up with Ray the Lying Liar was a lucky break!

Batman's story so far? He wasn't anywhere to be seen last issue. But then this comic book isn't about him so what did you expect?!

The Story
This issue is called "Organisms". Why? How the fuck should I know! The majority of my reading consists of pictures with words. You think I'm able to make intuitive leaps of logic based on a word I can barely spell?! It is a weird choice though after "Giants" and "Dreams". Giants purported to describe the people which I'm guessing the "Organisms" is also describing. Sure, "Giants" could have specifically meant the buildings but the quote by Frank Lloyd Wright made it pretty clear Ostrander was talking about the residents of Gotham. And then we learned about the huge dreams of the sleeping giants. Now, in the light of day, everybody is just reduced to the generic "Organisms"? Like rats in a maze? Like amoeba on lice on rats in a maze? Seems like a real drop in stature for the main characters of this book.

Oh look! Batman made the first page! I think. I suppose Alfred could be driving. You know what? Never mind.

There's a famous quote from Tennessee that I think about every time a comic book tries to trick me into believing a whole load of bullpucky: "Fool me once, shame on . . . shame on you. Fool me . . . you can't get fooled again." So very fucking wise.

The point of view follows the Batmobile as it drives home for the night as Ostrander, high as fuck on cough medicine, rambles about who can fucking tell?

This sounds suspiciously like an Ann Nocenti script.

I suspect what Ostrander's trying to say here in a super fancy "Look at the Professional Writer!" way is that the criminal element use their dreams of doing crime to steal the dreams of the people who don't do crime but the "dream hunters" (meaning Batman and the cops) make sure to drive their dreams right into the dirt and shit on them. But then Batman goes home to take a nap and dream about all the cash his cash makes without anybody having to do anything and also of coming on Catwoman's tits.

Ostrander gives birth to a few more Narration Boxes about dreams and the dreamers and dreams that dream and die and more dreams being born before he gets to the point: the dreamers are their dreams; they cannot be separated. After that, we get to see Jennifer in a towel fresh from a shower, as if this were a David Finch or Tony S. Daniels comic book.

Oh, sorry. Not like those perverts at all. Jennifer's actually wearing an appropriate length towel.

Jennifer's shocked to find lady products in Ray the Lying Liar's bathroom because she doesn't understand the concept of having a sister who sometimes visits her brother in the big city. Also Ray admitted that he lies about everything so maybe she should assume the worst: Ray has a vagina! Wait. Is that the worst? I think I misspoke because I'm getting super horny thinking about my new version of this story.

Jennifer acts a bit hurt and grumpy over breakfast because she realizes Ray loves to fuck. But she loves to fuck too! They have that in common! Shouldn't she be excited? Well, no, I guess not. She finds it kind of gross that Ray wined, dined, and fucked her and now he's all, "Casual sex is pretty awesome!" But Jennifer seems kind of down on it for some reason. Ray makes a great point about how he didn't promise anything more than the good time they had and Jennifer throws out a hypothetical situation that if he had promised more it would have been a lie anyway because he confessed to lying all the time so she has a right to be angry because he, theoretically, lied to her.

I'm confused. Maybe they should just fuck again?

I don't understand his point about how Jennifer uses sex to keep people at a distance when having sex with a person means you're closer to them than ever. Have I been doing sex wrong?! Am I supposed to fling my semen at them from across the room? Is the only actual sex I've ever seen that scene in the prison from The Silence of the Lambs?!

If that's how Ray makes sure a one-night stand stays a one-night stand, he's pretty cool. Unless that's just how Jennifer makes sure a one-night stand remains a one-night stand. Then she's pretty cool! Are they both cool? Did they both just use their one-night stand tricks on each other? Was that a successful night for both of them?

At the same time Ray and Jennifer are arguing, Dio and Migdalia, his wife, are arguing as well. Dio comes in the window after being out all night, tells Migdalia to not question his actions, tells her to divorce him, and then leaves by the window. Does the apartment not have a door? How cheap must the rent be there?

Later at the train station where everything important happens, Batman buys a doughnut from the crazy lady and checks out Jennifer's ass.

Okay, so that's not Batman. It's Frank. But Rosemary believes he's Batman.

Jennifer finds Jimmy and cries on his shoulder about how mean the man she fucked the night before was. Jimmy probably doesn't mind because he's still fucking a ghost. Hopefully it's the ghost of a woman he killed and he'll wind up killing Jennifer too. I don't mean "hopefully" in the way you think I do! I don't want Jennifer to get killed. But I do want to read an exciting comic book.

Luckily for me and my need for excitement, Joel gets his hands on a gun so that he and Emma can die as one. Doesn't seem super fair to Emma but if she finds it romantic, who am I to say otherwise? What do I know about romance? I only just realized that I've been doing sex wrong!

Jimmy tells Jennifer about his wife and how she was killed by The Joker's gas. He blames himself because they'd had a fight and he left her on the streets of Gotham. He should blame Batman for never killing The Joker! Jennifer gets super wet over the story and realizes it was Jimmy she's wanted to fuck all along. But Jimmy's kind of pissed at her now and he heads to work without any promise of seeing her later. Her eyes turn into hearts now that Jimmy has told a story where he showed a little passion and also because he sort of shit on her and the way she acted with Ray. She needs to have sex with him now to keep him at a distance so that he can't hurt her!

Dio also gets his hands on a gun because he's got a cheating wife and her lover to kill. And since I've seen the cover to Issue #4, I know Rosemary also winds up with a gun. I guess Issue #4 will just be a wild shootout at the train terminal!

The Ranking
I felt like nothing actually happened this issue but then I guess that's sort of the point of this series, isn't it? Life just goes on in the normal, mundane, boring way that it goes on with little ripples of emotion and passion. In those moments, unseen feelings build, tensions grow, and people get their hands on guns. Then Batman has to save everybody's day after which he shakes his head and crushes the guns in his hands. Then The Joker kills another 3% of the population while Batman shakes his fists and screams, "Why didn't I just save one of those guns?!"

Batman: Gotham Nights #2 (April 1992)

Please let the scene where Jennifer fucks this guy be six pages long.

The Cover
Eduardo Barreto fills this month's cover with signs of doom. The Pearl Necklace indicating the worst night of Batman's life. The Bat Signal signaling a violent night in Gotham. The red balloon about to cause a nuclear war. The admitted liar on the verge of manhandling Jennifer. The sidebar declaring mundane nobodies as the main characters of this series. Okay, that last one wasn't because of Barreto. But it's still an indicator of a bad time. I'll admit that whatever the actual focal point of the cover is (Jennifer's face? The Bat Signal? The lying dude's cowlick?), I can't stop staring at Jennifer rubbing her ass against the guy's stiffening member. If I had been the editor on this series, I would have asked Eduardo to shift the focus down and to the right, maybe even chopping Jenn and her man's head off at the chins.

Once again, the cover's a bit too on this side of realism for me to love it. But I enjoyed it and think it's well done and it almost has nipples. So great job, Ed!

The Story So Far
Batman hunts down a missing child in the background of a story centering six regular citizens of Gotham. One is a guy who loves a girl who loves to fuck but is too shy to admit he wants to fuck her. One is a gal working at a terribly named doughnut shop with a delusion that one of her customers is in love with her and probably Batman. One is a man with six months to live. One is the wife of the man with six months to live whose name is Emma and not Woman, although Ostrander took far too long to put it on paper. One is a man on parole whom Batman's watching carefully, believing he's got something to do with the missing kid. That man is also possibly an alcoholic and a terrible husband and father. Oh yeah, the last one is the woman who loves to fuck (as many women do so it's a weird thing to center her character on except that it allows Ostrander to put her in a precarious situation by wanting to fuck a lying liar scumbag). How all these stories will converge or what they'll say about Gotham in general, I'm not sure. Maybe they'll help save Batman at some point. Maybe they'll just struggle through their problems without Batman ever noticing. Maybe we'll see how even the citizens of Gotham can be heroes and villains on a smaller scale than we normally see. Earlier, before I sat down to read this comic and write about it, I had a thought about the direction this story would take and said to myself, "That's probably it!" But I've forgotten that thought since then because I was concentrating on something else in the forefront of my brain, like making breakfast or jerking off or both. I don't remember!

The Story
Last issue was called "Giants". The idea was based on a Frank Lloyd Wright comment about New York looking like it was built for giants (I guess? I'm trusting Ostrander and not looking it up myself and also that, in the DC Universe, Frank Lloyd Wright was talking about Gotham even though Gotham is in New Jersey. I think) and how the people who live there embraced that idea and think of themselves as giants, as the kind of people strong enough to live in such a scary and chaotic place. So this one is called "Dreams" because, I'm guessing, we'll see the kinds of lives these giants dream of living. I'm sure Ostrander will give us another quote from a famous person to get the ball rolling. Maybe one from Jung?

Or he'll go even more mainstream and choose this old gem we've all heard way too many times to count. It's practically "The Second Coming" it gets quoted so much.

The first thing that came to mind when I read that quote was the feeling the first time someone you've just met puts their hand down the front of your pants. Those are my favorite people to let into my bubble of territoriality. Is there anything better in life? I'm going to say, "Almost certainly not." If I had to forget one great work of literature that I read and thought often about every time some new person stuck a hand down the front of my pants, I'd make that deal in a heartbeat! "Pynchon who?" I'd respond to the librarian whom I was praying would put her hand down the front of my pants so I could forget Of Mice and Men. I think the loss of a memory of a book would have to be random because the deal would be too good to be true if you were able to choose which book you'd forget and the book didn't have to be a great work of literature. Off the top of my head, I already have sixteen free hands-down-the-front-of-my-jeans moments as I desperately attempted to forget every Piers Anthony book I'd ever read. Losing my memory of The Color of Her Panties while getting a hand job? Two birds with one ecstatic grip, that one!

Jenny and Mr. Lies-a-Lot continue their day with a stroll through the park. They pass Joel and Emma who sit on a bench discussing how Emma will live her life after Joel's dead. Turns out Joel's an incurable romantic.

"With all that's left after I'm dead, you might just be able to afford a shotgun."

Jimmy managed to catch the train back to the suburbs even though he nearly missed it waiting for Jennifer. Apparently he hasn't tried to get between Jenny's legs not because he's gay but because he's wrestling with the ghost of his last relationship.

I'd say literally but that word has been ruined by the kinds of people who spell lose with two "o"s. Also he's not technically wrestling with it so saying literally would feel wrong.

I picked up some more Shadow of the Bat issues at my local comic book store's year end sale! But I can't read them until I get through with this comic book about regular people. I hope they all wind up victims of The Joker by the end. Not because I'm a monster! Because Ostrander wants us to see the kinds of everyday people who suffer for Batman's choice to not kill! All their deaths should be on Batman's head!

Dio decides to get back into crime because his girl didn't have any beer waiting for him when he got home from seeing his parole officer. Man, I know exactly what that's like! Except for being on parole. And getting back into crime. And drinking a beer when I get home. But that part about having a girl! Man, I totally know what that's like! You other comic book nerds might not know what it's like but let me tell you: it's probably so sweet! I mean, it is sweet! Super sweet!

I have a philosophical question. If I were to rate all of my sexual experiences across my lifetime, should I include the time that girl with the huge tits draped herself across my back at the skating rink? Probably, right? It's not like I could stand up anytime soon after that seeing that I chose to wear sweat pants that night. And I was like fourteen. Also, if I'd come in my pants (which I assure you I did not do that time!), could I mark that as the night I lost my virginity? Probably, right?

The guy whom Dio punched in the face earlier that day is heading up the crew about to do some crime. He allows Dio to join because Dio teaches them how to defeat Batman: run like hell. The crime leader finds it so amusing that he pretends to forget that Dio punched him. I say "pretends" because he's probably setting Dio up to take the fall for whatever crime they're doing. Wouldn't you?! The jerk punched him in the face earlier! And all he did to deserve it was call his wife a whore! Is that fair?

While Dio's fucking up his life, Rosemary has a sexy dream about Batman.

According to Herr Horndog Freud, penetrating somebody with a spear in a dream is totally a sex dream.

See that? Ostrander himself understands why I want to see all of these people dead at the hands of The Joker by the end of this comic book! I'm not a monster at all! Although the woman having this dream might very well be a monster (though not through any fault of her own (what monsters are monsters through faults of their own? We're living in the 21st Century! We understand that the real monsters are Beowulf and The Wizard of Oz and cops (well, cops were always seen as the bad guy until the '80s began a thirty-year trend of Copaganda)!). She's probably dealing with untreated schizophrenia) and she's having the same thoughts that I had thus by the associative property, I will now stop thinking about it and once again declare: I am not a monster!

One of Rosemary's issues is that she's suffering from a form of body dysmorphia. She views herself as the only thin woman in the world. This is best exemplified by the dream of her wedding with Batman (in which Lobo and Halo attend because Rosemary and I are basically the same person, I think).

Even the Helm of Nabu is chubby!

Dio and his buddies don't get busted by Batman because the Gotham Police show up at their crime. I'd be more descriptive about their crime but nobody has actually said which crime they were committing. Probably burglary. While running from the cops, Dio asks Crime Leader Facepunchy why he called his wife a whore. He tells Dio he was just talking shit and he didn't mean nothing by it but Dio heard some things while he was in jail and some of his anger isn't just from not having any beer. He's begun to suspect the baby isn't his which means Dio's wife and child are in serious danger. Know who else is probably in some serious danger? You guessed correctly! Jennifer!

Uh oh. Is Ostrander getting a little preachy here about a woman enjoying a vibrant sexual life?

Why's she gotta wake up thinking fucking yet another guy was a mistake? She shouldn't think this was a mistake until the guy begins dismembering her. Hopefully she's just kind of regretful because the sex was bad. "I didn't . . . not again. . .!" just means she picked another jerk who couldn't make her orgasm. Meanwhile, he's not in bed because he had to go make a phone call.

He's telling all his friends that he just got laid. You know, the way men do.

I wish I was being facetious about men having to tell their friends how much sex they're getting but, in my experience, it's sadly true. The number of times I've met up with friends after long periods of absence and they have to tell me all about how much pussy they were getting. Instead of tuning out until they're done wiping their dick across my face, I should come up with healthy ways to handle this sort of thing. Maybe mirroring their stories but slowly revealing that all the sex I was having was with sheep. Or beginning a story, "Speaking of sex, remember that time you came home and I was waiting for you with your sweaty and satisfied mom in your living room?"

Jennifer accuses Ray the Expert Liar of being on the phone with another woman because she doesn't seem to know that thing about how men need to tell another man that they got laid or else it doesn't really count.

He's probably talking with his associates who helped kidnap the kid Batman's looking for. Or not. Maybe these stories don't tie together at all!

Dio arrives home from failing to crime correctly only to find his wife just hanging up the phone. He knows how men only call people to tell them that they just got laid so he rips the phone out of the wall and accuses his wife of cheating on him. At least he doesn't hit her. Is not hitting a woman whom you think cheated on you because your self-esteem is in the toilet due to your criminal past and your failure to make anything of yourself a noble trait? His wife seems to know he isn't abusive because she says right to his face that she should be sleeping around just to have a man around when she needs one. Sure, his hand is balled into a fist and maybe he was thinking of hitting her before he heard the sirens on the cop car pulling up outside. But his wife seems genuinely concerned for him so I think he's probably been a decent husband until his doubts and failures and Batman accusing him of kidnapping a child started him spiraling. Yeah, I'm making excuses for him! But mostly because of the way his wife reacts to him. She doesn't seem afraid of him; she seems incredibly worried for his mental health and well being.

The Ranking
What was Batman up to this night in Gotham?! We don't know because he didn't make an appearance. But the Bat Signal was in the sky all night, seen several times over the course of the issue. He was probably dreaming like everybody else. Dreaming of Catwoman's fat . . . um, you know what, that's a private thought. I need to learn not to type out private thoughts! "Keep your fat pussy lips discourse to yourself, you old pervert" is what I should continue to repeat over and over again in my head until main has been scrubbed of the horny. Also by "fat pussy lips", I meant Catwoman's recent lip fillers. It's, um, part of her disguise since her lips are the main thing you can see so she gets them filled before a job so that she's less recognizable when the mask comes off and the puffiness subsides. Um, anyway, this was a good issue that could have used a lot more Catwoman, preferably seen from the back while she's bending over.

Christ, I'm so glad my mother doesn't read this blog!

Batman: Gotham Nights #1 (March 1992)

Three disparate fonts in one comic book title might be a Guinness world record.

The Cover
The sidebar on this cover gives Batman second billing to the people of Gotham. But the comic book isn't called The People of Gotham: Gotham Nights for some reason. That season probably has something to do with DC wanting to sell as many issues of this comic book as possible. The art, by Eduardo Barreto, isn't a style that makes my morning wood become "midday wood standing in the middle of a comic book store looking at the new releases rack." It's definitely not bad art! It's that kind of raw and gritty and realistic art that I can appreciate as being well done but remains too far from the cartoony, animated, whimsical, loads of boobies style that I can really get behind. I love that Batman, who gets second billing no matter what the top of the comic book is trying to sell readers, lurks in the background behind the citizen of Gotham. It's a perfect encapsulation for what I think Ostrander's going for in this series (having not read it since 1992 basically means I've never read it, memory (especially my own) being what it is). "This is not a Batman story," the cover states. Sort of. I mean, we've all seen Batman covers like this. But I think those generally try to make Batman at least somewhat a focus of the cover. The focus of this cover is obviously the gun. Then you glance at the guy. And if you're not bored by then because you're thinking, "Why the fuck do I want to read a comic book about ordinary people who just happen to live in Gotham? Dumb!", you might notice Batman, his features hidden by being backlit by the moon. It's a really good fucking cover and I'd like to say I purchased this comic book because the cover was as intriguing as it was even though it claims to be about Gotham citizens. But I know for a fact that I only bought it because John Ostrander was writing it. Sorry, Eduardo! You did so much work and yet I'm that comic book reading asshole who really only cares about three things: 1. Who wrote this? 2. Is Lobo in this? 3. Is Ambush Bug in this?

The Story
This is a story about not Batman. I know it says "BATMAN" right there at the top of the comic book (a fact I've already pointed out about eight times in about seventeen sentences (that's almost half of them!)) but it's not. Did you not read the sidebar? Okay, it's sort of about Batman. But if you purchased it because you wanted to read a story where Batman commits violent acts of extreme justice, you're going to be super sad (I mean angry. If you bought it for those reasons, you're probably one of those people who think "emotions" means "anger").

One of the exciting things about publishing comic books when they cost about a dollar is that you could take chances on weird shit like this (especially if you slap "BATMAN" at the top). Publishing comic books this cheaply meant DC could experiment and people would purchase those experiments because why not? It's just a dollar! And don't think a dollar in 1992 was equal to five dollars today. It absolutely was not which is why I bought this in 1992 but I haven't purchased any new comic books in five years. And comic book shops would buy whatever the two main publishers put out because they were paying, at most, fifty to sixty cents per issue. And if nobody bought the copy new, they could still throw them in the quarter or fifty cent bins and either recoup their initial investment or minimize their loss.

Also, did I mention John Ostrander wrote this? That probably held a lot of weight on if somebody would buy it. I'm not familiar with Mary Mitchell so fingers crossed that she loved drawing women getting out of showers in towels and that a lot of scenes take place in locker rooms, saunas, and showers!

I'm not familiar enough yet with Mary Mitchell's style to know if this character is gay or if she just draws everybody running like that.

One page into Mary Mitchell's art and I'm, tentatively, a believer. Has Batman's chest logo ever been more adorable? It's got little feet! And Batman's cowl has tear ducts! So he can cry at the injustice of it all, I suppose. And the Gotham citizen running from Batman looks like he's just as afraid of the gun in his hands as he is of Batman.

I guess the main takeaway from page one though is that maybe this is a story about Batman. Maybe I shouldn't have judged the cover by the cover. Maybe the "BATMAN" at the top should have been more believable than the shit in the sidebar that really seemed to be added because editorial read the script and was all, "Batman isn't really the focus of this, is he, John?" And John Ostrander was all, "No, of course not. How interesting is that? Who can write a Batman story in this day and age with any new and interesting facets?! It can't be done!" And editorial was all, "Well, it had better be done because people aren't going to buy a Batman book without Batman." And John Ostrander was all, "I mean, look. This is obviously a Batman story! I'm just going to focus on how he interacts with the people he's obsessed with keeping out of harm's way! And their confusing relationship with the city, knowing that one desperate move by any of them could wind up in two broken arms, a broken leg, and a fractured spine. This guy's like Javert on a constant overdose of amphetamines!" Then editorial was all, "Whatever. Just make sure it's got enough Batman that nobody complains. We want zero letters from angry dorks over this, understand?!"

Batman chases Pack onto the subway tracks where a speeding train nearly kills them both and allows for Pack to escape (probably!). That's the prologue. That's the stuff that's supposed to get the reader excited. Now, I suppose, we'll discover what child fucking Batman is talking about and why Pack's involved. You know he's not involved in the way Batman thinks he is. You can tell by how scared he is of that fucking gun.

The real story begins with several pages describing Gotham City, it's architecture, and how it has affected and shaped the people living there.

The story of the stories of the people of Gotham begins with Rosemary Hayes. You might wonder, "Is she going to be important? Is this just a brief glimpse at one of the small lives in the big city? Will her story entangle itself in the stories of the other people? Will there be a hidden story about Batman saving the day off-stage but, if with a close reading, you can put all of the pieces together to see what actually happened? Have I read too much Infinite Jest?" A person picking up this comic book for the first time might think that. But a person who currently has all four issues in a stack and has looked at the cover of Issue #4 which shows Rosemary aiming down the barrel of a shotgun at somebody or something off-screen knows she'll tie in a bit more later.

People can argue about the spelling of doughnut all day long and the only thing they'll ever agree on is that it isn't spelled like Rosemary's place of work spells it.

Mary is either optimistically hopeful or seriously delusional. Perhaps those are just two expressions of the same attribute. But also I saw the cover to Issue #4 so probably delusional. She believes a man that orders from her every day is secretly in love with her. In her internal fantasy of his eventual declaration of love for her, she looks nothing like she actually looks. So, again, delusional. Although I'd still argue, quite emphatically, actually, that being optimistically hopeful is just a kind way of calling somebody seriously delusional.

Other characters who make the cover of Issues #2 and #3 begin their stories after Rosemary's. I guess this series isn't going to be as complicated as Infinite Jest. Probably less suicide too. Although maybe the same amount of obsession and addiction. Definitely zero tennis though. Who wants to read a comic book about tennis? I picked this up to read about Gotham nobodies!

The next two "main" characters: Joel and Woman.

After Joel and Woman, we're introduced to Jennifer and Jimmy. They're so much fun! Jennifer is all, "I love fucking guys but they're always terrible guys!" And Jimmy is all, "I'll buy you breakfast if you promise not to drop it when you think I've got AIDS!" And Jennifer is all, "Whoops!"

That pearl necklace she's wearing doesn't bode well for her avoiding being shot in an alley.

Jennifer assumes Jimmy's gay because he hasn't tried to fuck her even though every story she tells him begins and ends with her saying, "I just love dick!" He assures her that she isn't gay but I think what he's really doing is assuring the Comics Code Authority that he isn't gay while the readers are all, "Oh yeah. He's gay. Cool. Sad he can't embrace it though. He should also be telling stories where he begins and ends with 'I just love dick!'"

Jimmy assures Jennifer that they're friends because he wants to be her friend and not friends because he wants to fuck her. Jennifer is all, "Are you speaking English?" They agree to meet up at the end of the work day to take the same train back home like they do every day. While they're discussing this, an ominous looking man walks past them. He's ominous because he's got a dour look on his face and not because he looks like a Native American. Also because the "camera" focuses on him as he walks past.

It's at this point that Batman and Pack come running into the station. I guess this is the same chase from the night before? Batman finally catches pack by punching him in the face. Pack's jaw shatters in four places and causes him to drop the gun which lands at the feet of the ominous man. Pack acts like he knows this man.

Is that an attempted murder charge? Telling somebody else to murder somebody with the gun you just dropped? If it is, I wouldn't convict on it on the basis of "Jokes, man!"

Batman threatens Dio simply because the man he's been chasing all night knew him by name. When people say ACAB includes Batman, that ain't no joke. It doesn't help that Batman recognizes the guy as somebody he once put in prison. Batman says, "You were working for The Riddler." But the guy is all, "Naw, the Penguin." I bet Batman got that wrong on purpose to test the man's honesty. He claims he's on parole and going to see his parole officer and only knows Pack from the hood. But Batman is all, "I'm looking for a kidnapped child and this guy knows something and he knows you so I'm going to assume you know something. So look out, scuzzball." And Dio walks off thinking, "What the fuck? Am I in a Judge Dredd comic book?"

All the characters we met so far go about their boring days after the excitement of their morning commute. Dio gets in a fight with another parolee in the police station. Jennifer meets a guy she wants to fuck and stands up Jimmy. Joel learns he only has, at best, six months to live. Just a bunch of normal, boring everyday shit. Oh, we also learn Dio's an abusive asshole with a wife and baby. Maybe Batman will teach him a lesson about not being an abusive asshole and his family will live happily ever after. And maybe Joel will try to rob a bank to set up his wife, Woman, with money after he's dead. And maybe Jennifer will get The AIDS from all the guys she loves to fuck. And maybe Jimmy will learn he loves Jenny and come up with boring shit to say to strangers about boxes of chocolate. Oh, and Rosemary will murder the guy she believes loves her. And all while Batman tries to find some missing child, so obsessed with this one case that he misses all of these other cases happening all around him!

The Ranking
Ostrander tells a compelling story with just enough Batman to pull readers into the mundane peoples' lives. Plus it's the perfect length for a series like this. Four issues is the sweet spot. It's too bad that six became standard so companies could collect them in a standard sized graphic novel. Six is often way too many issues. I bet comic book companies would be able to sell more experimental projects if they just cut them down in length. I'm also a big proponent of lowering the prices on certain comics that might not be huge sellers. Sell them for two bucks and let the popular titles subsidize their existence. Open up the kinds of stories that can be told in these superhero universes! Especially if Lobo's involved somehow. Need way more Lobo. I'll probably start buying some new comics again in March because a new Lobo series is coming out. Might give Deathstroke a chance as well. But probably not another Citizens of Gotham series if DC ever does one. Well, it depends on who's writing it, I guess!