Dark Nights: Metal #3

I'm trying to be more positive so I'd like to praise John Romita Jr. for how well he draws monster teeth. If he drew them, that is!

If John Romita Jr. actually had drawn them, I'd expect them to be boxier, like the monster had a mouth full of C batteries. It wouldn't surprise me at all if somebody else drew the monster teeth on this cover for John Romita Jr. I remember a time when I thought the guitarist for Extreme, Nuno Bettencourt, was one of the greatest guitarists of all time. Right up until I read the liner notes and discovered Dweezil Zappa played the solo in Play With Me and the entire Flight of the Bumblebee bit. Although now I can't find any verification of this on the Internet except for a couple of people on a wiki discussion page asking the same question about crediting Dweezil Zappa on Extreme's first album. Now I want to track down an old copy of the tape version of the album to see exactly what the liner notes said! I think maybe Nuno Bettencourt made a deal with the devil to change history so he wouldn't feel humiliated about that first album. Um, it's also possible that I'm remembering things incorrectly. I'm not going all in on my memory being sacrosanct and declaring this an example of the Mandela Effect! Although that's what the Mandela Effect is anyway! People declaring their faulty memories are more correct than proven facts. So, um, maybe I should! Dweezil Zappa totally did all the guitar work for Extreme, except for the part in "More Than Words" when the acoustic guitar is thumped. I think Nuno could take care of that.

Last issue ended with Batman being slapped between two pieces of cheese and becoming a wagon wheel. No wait. He became an entire wagon! The wagon thing was due to his name being Wayne which meant he was the wagon that would carry Barbatos to Earth-New-Earth. But before Barbatos can joy ride in, the Bat-inspired evil Justice League need to remake Earth-Main-Earth into a hell dimension. It's kind of like when I reserve a hotel room and the staff makes sure the floors, walls, and ceiling are lined with tin foil and mayonnaise.

Superman and Wonder Woman, who were defeated by Batjoker, wake up thanks to Diana's lasso of truth (which she apparently has again? For some reason? I'm not currently reading Wonder Woman but last I read, she left it behind to help some stupid kid not die or something). Now they have to save the world! Although they really should know that this is Batman's story and it's going to be up to him to save the world. If I were Superman or Wonder Woman, I would just find a quiet place to ride this shitstorm out.

Wonder Woman seems to know what's up. That's probably explained in the issue where Doctor Fate gathers all the heroes together to tell them how to beat Barbatos. I don't know what issue that will be. Or was? I don't think I missed any issues but this beginning is a bit confusing. I guess the reader is supposed to be viewing everything through Superman's eyes since he has no clue what's been happening. He's just as surprised as I was to see Jimmy Olsen transformed into Most Definitely Not Superman's Pal, Doomsday Olsen.

Superman ditches Wonder Woman because why go into battle supported by somebody practically just as strong as you? Better to just fly into a rage and straight into a situation you know nothing about. It almost always works out anyway. Sure, sometimes you die for awhile. But that's barely a speed bump if you're Superman!

How come heroes always say shit like this? Have they never been around their friends when their friends are drunk? "Good" goes out the window pretty fucking easily.

The Flash races out of a giant ankh to rescue Superman from the Bat-inspired evil Justice League. He takes him to The Oblivion Bar where Detective Chimp reminds everybody that the DC Universe heartily sucked for a long while because Dan DiDio believed it wasn't a place for fun and whimsy. Of course, that's all being taken care of now with this Rebirth and Watchmen shit. Now all the idiots who thought Comics Shouldn't Be Fun Again are backpedaling and pretending it was the fault of everybody but the editors in charge. "It was the Watchmen! They changed it all for the worse!" "It was the fans! This is what they said they wanted!" "It wasn't Jim Lee, Geoff Johns, or Dan DiDio at all! Stop looking at us! I mean them!"

Oh! Tomorrow is Friday the 13th! I have to remember to play the Friday the 13th video game tomorrow because they have to do something special, right? Like maybe log the IP of everybody who plays and send Jason around to murder us all? How fun would that be! Seriously! Please somebody kill me. This country has gotten so terrible.

Racist! Or anti-golem? Whatever it is, it's probably gross, right? Am I doing youth correctly?

Other people hiding out in the Oblivion Bar are Steel, Mister Terrific, the Justice League, Green Arrow, Damian Wayne, and Plastic Man stuck in the form of a giant egg. But even as an egg, he's able to vibrate out a message. Wonder Woman translates it as "Oh. OH! OoOoOoHhHhHh! OH ZEUS YES!" Mister Terrific translates it as coordinates to deep space, beneath Atlantis, and the center of the multiverse. What kind of chart can graph those coordinates? An XYZZZZZZZZZZZ chart? I buy that Mister Terrific can figure them out but how the fuck did Plastic Man do the math on them? He's just a petty, clumsy crook turned accidental superhero! I don't remember him being a maths genius!

Plastic Egg also gives some negative coordinates and Mister Terrific is all, "These don't make sense! I may be a genius but I don't understand how coordinates work!" Luckily Superman is there to be all, "Nobody pay attention to this whole thing about negative numbers not being valid coordinates! He probably means the Dark Multiverse!" And everybody is all, "Whew! Good save, Superman! That certainly was a job for you!"

Deathstork arrives to help out because he has a Promethium sword. It's not Nth metal but it'll do the trick when it comes to hurting the Batjerks. Now everybody can split up and go explore all the coordinates Plastic Egg vibrated into Mister Terrific's ear. Ear? Yeah, it was probably his ear.

Steel, Flash, and Superman team up to rescue Batman from the Dark Multiverse. Mister Terrific, Green Lantern, and Plastic Egg team up to head into deep space. Doctor Fate, Green Arrow, and Wonder Woman head to the Rock of Eternity. And Aquaman and Deathstork head to the place beneath Atlantis.

Most of the teams have an easy job, following the coordinates. But Superman's team has to rely on Superman making up a theory as to how they can get to the Dark Multiverse. Luckily, it's a comic book so science that is pure speculation is usually good enough to get the job done.

Superman makes it to the Dark Multiverse but finds that it's a trap! Surprise! Batman was trying to warn Superman not to save him but Superman was too dumb to figure out Batman's genius code. So typical of Superman. He never does the smart thing. He should have listened to Nightwing. Everybody should listen to Nightwing! He's the only one that ever knows what's going on.

Not only is it a trap but it's part of Barbatos's plan. He needs Superman's body to be the battery for his gadget to turn Earth-Main-Earth into a hell dimension. It's too bad that all of the ancient texts Hawkman and Hawkwoman read didn't say something about Superman being the key to the rise of Barbatos. All the clues pointed to Batman! So once again, Hawkman fucked up. What an idiot.

Dark Nights: Metal #3 Rating: Not too bad. I mean, Mister Terrific, the world's third smartest man, made a stupid mistake. But that's to be expected when Not the World's Third Smartest Man is writing the comic book. It's hard to write a genius when you have to know things. Which sucks because writers are writers so they don't have to know stuff! You get to just make shit up! I mean, sure, you can do research. But what if you don't know you need to do research when you're writing about something like, say, coordinates?! Obviously all coordinates must be positive, right? How can negative coordinates exist in the world?! That doesn't make any sense! Which is why latitude and longitude are totally fake news. Those places in negative latitudes and longitudes either don't exist or are composed of pure evil.

Mainly I'm excited for the Aquaman/Deathstork team-up. I hope that becomes a forty-five issue maxi-series.

Michael Cray #1

This would be my reaction to seeing Green Arrow too.

Oh man. I hope Green Arrow dies in this series! I know it won't be the real Green Arrow who dies but I'll still masturbate over the scene anyway. Wait. Did I type that out loud?

The best moment in DC Comics' entire history was when Green Arrow couldn't disarm that bomb while Superman watched. The worst moment was when Kevin Smith brought him back to life. I know some people are now angry at me for not thinking the worst moment was when Kevin Smith made it canon that Batman pissed himself. To those people, I say, "Let he who hasn't pissed himself piss the first piss."

I just realized that if this comic book isn't about Michael Cray trying to kill Green Arrow like I think it is, everybody is going to be confused by my previous statements. "Why is this Lobo loving mental midget talking about Green Arrow?" Twat Lobo loving Anonymous will probably ask. That guy is the worst at relaxing and just having a good time! And I don't mean "guy" as a non-gender specific term! Somebody that didactic and lacking in whimsy is almost certainly a dude. How dare you suggest my reviews are biased?! I am the most objectionable reviewer on the Internet! I mean objective!

Michael Cray has been tasked with putting together a task force. That sounds like the first line to a dirty limerick where some boy sucks off a horse in the final line. I don't have time to work out the middle details!

Let me start over! Michael Cray has been put in charge of something called Executive Protection Services. That sounds like the code name for a sexy escort slash bodyguard business. I think Terra from Deathstork works for Michael Cray.

I can't remember which secret Wildstorm organization Michael Cray is working for now. Skywatch, maybe? Is that one of them?

Luckily for my introduction to this non-biased review, Michael Cray's first assignment is to kill Oliver Queen. That's Green Arrow's secret identity, for people who didn't know that and somehow are reading a comic book blog review about some guy named Michael Cray. Who are you people? Weirdos.

Michael Cray reminds everybody that the reason he's working with this new agency was because he refused to kill people without any good reason. Isn't big bucks good enough reason, you equivocating bastard! I don't even know what "equivocating" means but it sounded like it worked there.

Some people out there might be thinking, "How do we know we're nearing the End Times?" Probably because I'm getting angry at the way people use the word "selfie" for regular pictures of people taken by other people! You ignorant fools!

Oh, I'm sorry! Some of you Wildstorm fans who accidentally thought they were reading an actual review of this comic book might be surprised to find that I constantly interrupt myself with thoughts that are too long to Tweet which I don't have time to cut down to 140 characters. And nobody is going to give me, Grunion Guy, a 280 character Twitter account! Although they should because that's only about 80 characters longer than most of my novels.

That's not San Francisco! As if you could see that many stars from The City.

That's Oliver Queen waking up after having a nightmare about that time he crashed on a wacky island. Having been raised in the lap of luxury without ever having to fend for himself, he of course becomes an expert bowman and survivalist through sheer force of will. It's important to see that Oliver Queen may have been born rich but he was still the type of man who could make something of himself without his parents' wealth and privilege. Also he remembered how Bruce Wayne left behind everything to become the greatest detective the world has ever seen so Oliver was all, "I need that kind of secret origin too! But a little bit different so that people don't just think I'm Batman with a bow and old fashioned facial hair!"

Michael Cray moves to Oakland where he meets the world's least skittish mouse. He touches it and it blows up. I guess that's Cray's superpower? I might have been mistaken as to why he was called Deathblow. Was that blow job joke subtle enough to pass for a G Rating? I wonder if the three people Michael Cray hires for his team will sometimes tell people, "Oh yeah, I'm out in Oakland working the Deathblow job." Then those people will never talk to them again.

Michael Cray's dad plagiarizes my Green Arrow origin story. Is that how plagiarism works? Probably!

Michael Cray's dad explains that Oliver Queen is a rich asshole. He apparently "helps funnel narcotics and guns into the 'wrong' neighborhoods. Crime goes up. Then he privately funds political efforts to hammer down on them with the police." That's almost exactly what Bruce Wayne does! He drives criminals into certain sections of Gotham. Real estate prices fall due to increased crime. Bruce Wayne buys up all the cheap properties and then Batman drives the crime out of the area. Later, Bruce Wayne jerks himself off on the way to the bank!

In a scene setting up the reader to despise Oliver Queen so we don't feel icky backing a government assassination attempt, Queen treats a woman who seems to love him like she's a prostitute. Now we all hate his guts! Kill him, Michael Cray! Kill him! Oh wait a second. I already hated his guts!

If that wasn't enough reason to hate him, he also makes his sister clean his sex sheets. And if that wasn't enough, he then quotes John Donne! But he doesn't just quote him! He quotes a section of Devotions Upon Emergent Occasions in an odd way. The quote's the bit about the bell tolling for everybody (but mostly for him!) and then ends with an ellipsis to simply finish the quote with "no man is an island." He basically yada yada yada'd a huge section of Donne's pain! Fucking monster!

It's also possible Queen just went from a Donne quote to a Bon Jovi quote. "They say that no man is an island. But good things come to those who wait. But the things I hear are there just to remind me. Every dog will have his day! The spirits! They intoxicate me! I watch them infiltrate my soul! They try to say it's too late for me! Tell my guns I'm coming home! I swear! I'm gonna live forever!" Ha ha! You are not, Oliver Queen! That was a stupid thing to quote because you're going to die!

Dammit. I just realized that Michael Cray might find out that Oliver Queen is actually Green Arrow and he's really helping people so he'll have to let him live. Although why show him to be such a disgusting piece of shit if that's how the story will work out? I imagine that's how the story would work in the actual DC Universe. But in the Wildstorm universe, we're allowed to think the worst of Oliver Queen and watch him die messily.

I hope she can change his mind with some sweet, sweet government lies!

Ms. Trelane tells Cray that Oliver Queen hunts people. Why not? They're the most dangerous game! But mostly he hunts veterans so that makes him super bad. If he only hunted, say, criminals and pedophiles, people might be able to get behind him. But he hunts the nation's heroes! What a sick bastard! Ms. Trelane doesn't really care that he kills homeless people. I mean veterans! She and Skywatch (or whatever company she works for. Remember how I don't remember?!) just want his technology and market share. But she's up front with Cray about how she's manipulating him to do Skywatch's dirty work. So at least she's honest?

Oliver Queen quotes some more Donne while hunting veterans. It's a good metaphor that Queen chooses to use quotes from Devotions upon Emergent Occasions because the book is a meditation on pain and being sick. I think that means Oliver Queen knows he's a sick bastard causing people pain!

Michael Cray #1 Rating: Three stars our of four! That might only be a C Average but it also sounds like I really liked it. That way I can defend the score no matter who attacks me on it. If someone is all, "You thought this was that good?!", I can be all, "3 out of 4 stars is 75%! That's average in the ratings system of United States schoolchildren!" But if people are all, "75%?! You hardly liked this at all?", I can say, "But three stars! Out of four! That's practically all the stars!" Nobody's going to challenge me on my comic book rating of this book!

Xena Warrior Princess #1

Hooray! I'm finally getting around to reading this! I hope Xena isn't running a mob family in it.

The year was 1995. I remember hanging out in my grandparents' backyard with my cousin and a friend when we had this brief conversation:

Me: "Did you guys see that show where that woman was fighting that dude while standing on the tops of the heads of the people in the crowd?"
Friend and Cousin: "Oh my god that was so stupid!"
Me: "It was the greatest thing I have ever witnessed!"

I don't know I remember that brief snippet of a conversation from over twenty years ago so vividly. Maybe it's because it was the moment I realized I truly was better than everybody I knew! How could they have gazed upon the magic of Xena Warrior Princess and not been struck down in awe? It's the closest thing I've ever had to a religious experience. Except maybe when I realized masturbation was a thing.

I had never watched Hercules: The Legendary Journeys so I didn't know Xena was a thing. I simply caught the premiere episode accidentally and fell in love. Not with Xena! With the show! And maybe Xena a little bit. And maybe Gabrielle a lot.

Easily done!

At the time Xena aired, it was quite possibly the most in-your-face gay show that had ever appeared on television. Nowadays, it would be considered, at best, a Gals Being Pals show, one that didn't quite have the cojones to out and out out them. At worst, it would be criticized for queer baiting. The thing was, even if the show was just meant to show two gals as pals, it wasn't going to be long before a lesbian audience took the show home from the shelter and laid out a little blankie for it in front of the fireplace. It's not like any other show was developing anything like this kind of complex relationship between two women. Plus their was lots of fighting and slapstick to distract the guys from realizing they were watching a lesbian soap opera. I mean, Xena's weapon was vaginal rather than phallic! How fucking awesome is that?!

Okay, even if we leave the gay subtexts out of it, this show was truly a beacon of feminist light in television's testosterone smeared vista. Just having two women as the main characters in such a tight friendship was a major leap forward in storytelling on television. Sure, you could have a woman who is close friends with a guy. But two women who truly loved each other and enjoyed each other's company and completely supported each other? In an hour long adventure show? Television insanity!

Oh, and let's not forget about the bisexual element of the show! Xena and Gabrielle both had relationships with different men throughout the show. This show had something for everybody! Except maybe the kind of people like my cousin and friend who hate whimsy and just want it to die screaming.

Anyway, I picked up this book because I liked Valentine's writing on Catwoman. The writing here is just as solid and the story is told in an interesting way that puts telling stories at the forefront of the conflict between Rome and the Harpies. I was a bit confused because it didn't start with an epistle from one of the Borgias but I was quickly able to figure out what was going on! Smarter readers shouldn't have any trouble at all!

Dark Nights: Batman the Dawnbreaker #1

These Metal Tie-in covers remind me of copy protection on late 80s, early 90s computer games that used code wheels and color shifting technology to keep people from copying the passwords.

Why did somebody at DC Comics choose all the writers that I find mediocre to do these Dark Nights issues? So far there's been Frank Tieri, Joshua Williamson, and now Sam Humphries? At least they could have made this more entertaining for me by choosing terrible writers like Ann Nocenti, Howard Mackie, or J.T. Krul! Who chooses the most bland and boring writers for a series that's supposed to be orgasm enducing exciting?! Unless I've got a condition where yawning causes me to spontaneously jizz my pants, this series is going to be boner free.

This cover might be the first time I've seen somebdoy draw a male superhero with a thigh gap. Is that really Bruce Wayne in there? Maybe the top half is Bruce Wayne and the bottom half is Jessica Cruz. Oh man. I was wrong about the lack of boners!

This story takes place on Earth--32. That's Earth-Negative-32 and not Earth Em Dash 32. Although is it Earth En Dash Minus Sign 32 or Earth Hyphen Minus Sign 32? I would know if I gave a shit about actual grammar. At least I give more of a shit about it than Howard Mackie or his DC editors! That should give me a couple of points with the Nazis. I mean the Grammar Nazis and not the Eugenics Crazy Fun Bag Nazis! I don't want any points with them! Although if some Nazis were thrown onto my team in Halo's Big Team Battle, I suppose I would want their points to help our team win. So I guess what I'm saying is it comes down to the specific situation and the kinds of points were talking about.

On the Internet, you can't ask stupid questions that you already know the answer to just because you find it funny because everybody will see it as an opportunity to show you how smart they are. Well, I want everybody to know you don't have to answer any of the questions I asked in the previous paragraph. And if any family members are reading this, I don't want you to feel embarrassed by me because you now think I would replace an em dash with two hyphens! I've memorized the alt code for creating an em dash — Alt-0151! — and know some of the proper occasions for its use! I think!

On Earth-Negative-32, Bruce Wayne was given a Green Lantern ring as he knelt in his parents blood in Crime Alley. He immediately used the ring to kill Joe Chill by overpowering the limits on the ring with the greatest willpower that has ever existed in any fake universe that never really existed ever. I guess Earth-Negative-32 was born when young Bruce Wayne wished that he had killed his parents killer rather than just pissing his pants and weeping. Not that I'm making fun of that reaction! I think pissing your pants and weeping is the proper reaction to a whole host of experiences, none of which even come close to watching your parents murdered.

Apparently the First Law of the Green Lantern Corps is "Lethal force not permitted." I thought their First Law was either "Overcome all fear" or "Agree that Sinestro is a dick." What's the Second Law of Green Lantern Corps? "Don't fuck the aliens that look like goats"? You probably thought I was going to make a Fight Club joke there, didn't you? And maybe I did! You don't know that not fucking goats wasn't one of the Fight Club rules.

You didn't have to be alone, stupid. You do know what "corps" means, right?

I guess this is how this Dark Universe came into being. Bruce's thoughts when his parents died were "I would give anything to not feel powerless or alone." So a world was created where he got the universe's most powerful weapon and joined a large cosmic family. The only problem is he fucked it all up. I guess that's what happens when your timeline skews into the Dark Multiverse where it doesn't really exist.

Here's an example of Sam Humphries' fine writing:

Gordon: "Green Lantern. Wasn't sure you'd show up."
Green Lantern: "Gordon. I advise you to remain polite with me. The last cop who threatened me regretted it..."

Did I miss the threat in there? Or even Gordon's being impolite? It must have been in his tone.

This is another story of another universe where Batman chose to kill his enemies. I guess that's the main reason for all of Batman's Dark Earths. There must be an infinite amount of them since I'm pretty sure he thinks about killing every time he battles a villain. But then he doesn't because he knows, like an addict, just one murder will open the floodgates and he'll soon be drunk on corpses.

Eventually, the Green Lantern Corps notice something wrong with the ring sent to Earth. They head down to stop it and the entire corps is killed by Bruce Wayne. That's when he decides he doesn't want to be Green Lantern anymore. He decides to be Batman the Dawnbreaker which makes sense for some reason. I thought for a second that I knew what that reason was but then I read The Dawnbreaker's oath and I shit myself laughing.

It doesn't even maintain a proper rhythm! And that's the best part of it!

As Bruce discovers his new name, look, and oath, Earth-Negative-32 disintegrates all around him. But Batjoker turns up to recruit him to Barbatos's army. So now he's on his way to fuck up Earth-Main-Earth along with the rest of the Dark Bats.

Batman the Dawnbreaker decides to destroy Coast City but he makes a mistake. Before he can begin his murder spree, he vandalizes the Welcome to Coast City sign which completely pisses off Hal Jordan for some reason. I mean, how the hell did Hal even notice? It's not like he's ever on Earth anymore!

Hal loses the battle immediately but Doctor Fate rescues him. Doctor Fate is building a Justice League to save the Multiverse. It's weird though that he's only gathering Justice League members. I mean, he's kind of ripping off their idea, no?

Dark Nights: Batman the Dawnbreaker #1 Rating: One out of Ten Green Lantern Oaths. By darkest oath, by darkest oath! No darkest oath can darkest oath! Quoth the oath, Nevermore! Okay, so I'm as bad at creating oaths as Sam Humphries and Geoff Johns! Sue me! I mean, don't actually sue me because I can't afford an attorney. Also I don't think you can sue me for not being able to write an oath while still criticizing the ability of others to write oaths! This is America, dammit! The land of lawsuits! I mean the land of freedom!

Deathstork's art versus my version of Deathstork's art. Has somebody been reading my blog?

Dark Nights: Batman The Murder Machine #1

I opened a glorious portal into another world by scanning this metallic cover. Then I put my dick in it.

This comic book looks like the kind of comic book the ten year old version of me would have picked up off a spinner rack because it looked so fucking cool. Then I would have gone home, read it, and learned about disappointment!

I haven't actually been disappointed by the book yet but I'm a rational being who can take evidence of the world around me to help predict the outcome of certain events. Seeing as how this book is written by Frank Tieri, I'm 95% certain that it will be terrible. But there's definitely a 5% chance that I'll love the fuck out of this book because look at the poorly scanned cover! It's Batman as a murder machine!

The most interesting thing about this cover is that Batman doesn't need to be a murder machine to defeat the Justice League. He's done it multiple times before by just being regular old non-murdery, non-machine Batman!

This issue begins with Silas Stone unfazed by hackers breaking into STAR Labs computers.

"Oh, don't worry about that alarm! I have alarms set to alert me to failed hacking attempts. They're going off all the time! If a hacking attempt actually gets through the Firewall, you'll hear a farting noise."

This issue is called "Heavy Metal" and I'm already anticipating big cartoon tits and rippling animated bushes! Speaking of those things, does anybody else spontaneously orgasm when they hear Sammy Hagar's voice on the radio?

Writing credits are given to both Frank Tieri and James Tynion IV. Since James Tynion IV's name isn't on the cover, my guess is that Frank Tieri's original script was so terrible that James had to be called in to punch it up. Or what about this possibility: Tieri's script was so bigoted and vile that Tynion was brought in to slap him in the face with a copy of Beautifully Unique Sparkleponies.

Cyborg is on the Watchtower while he's speaking with his father. Cyborg was concerned about the random ringing noises in his father's lab but he was all, "Don't worry about it!" Now there's some beeping in Cyborg's space and Silas is all, "What's going on? Is that an attack?!" Who hears "Beep Beep" and thinks somebody is getting attacked? Maybe somebody's burrito has finished heating up.

Oh, also? Cyborg is being attacked!

whew! I was worried. I'm glad the Murder Machine is here to help!

Murder Machines don't kill people! People kill people!

Once Cyborg is put down by the Murder Machine, the story flashes back to months ago on Earth -44. That's Earth-Negative-Forty-Four, just to be clear! I hope the Dark Multiverse Earth-44 is similar to the Lit Multiverse Earth-44 because Green Arrow is fat in that one.

I wonder what dark thought of Batman's created Earth-Negative-Forty-Four? I bet he once walked in on Alfred sleeping and noticed Alfred had a sleep erection which Batman briefly considered flicking with his finger. And boom! Earth-Negative-Forty-Four!

The Dark Earths only last for a limited amount of time but nobody has yet mentioned how long that is. I wonder if it depends on the severity of the dark thought? And do they come into existence at the beginning of the Earth's formation? Or do they skew off the timeline at the moment of the dark thought after which shit escalates really quickly for the brief life of the dark Earth? Why isn't anybody answering these questions for me?!

Apparently, the dark thought that formed this world was Batman contemplating Alfred's death. That's similar and just as boring as the dark thought about the death of Batman's beloved children (and Jason Todd) that spawned the Red Death's Earth. I wish somebody would get more imaginative about how these Earth's were spawned! I wonder how Batjoker's Earth spawned? Did Batman consider fellating the Joker?

Just like on Earth -52, once Batman received the powers of another Justice League member (this time Cyborg who helped bring Alfred back as a robot butler/father/wife), he uses his new power to go around killing all of his enemies. It's a good thing Batman is only just as powerful as he is! Look at what happens as soon as he gets a hint of a super power! Super powers truly do super corrupt absolutely!

It might happen a little differently than that but my synopsis is close enough! Here, look at this scene and stop thinking about my skewing of plot points to fit my agenda:

Don't speed walk away from them! They only want to help!

Cyborg winds up dismembered the way all the robotic superheroes always wind up when they're defeated. It kind of makes you wonder why super villains aren't tearing off the limbs of organic heroes when you'd expect those limbs to tear off far more easily than robot limbs. I suppose it's because even Fangenders would find it less believable to keep having to put Batman back together than having to put Red Tornado back together. Although nobody seemed to complain about Alfred getting his hand back so easily. See, editorial? Fangenders will buy into anything! Now start ripping people's arms and legs off already!

Dark Nights: Batman the Murder Machine #1 Rating: Seventeen stars! But that's out of 136, so it's a relatively poor rating. Mostly I didn't find the art pleasing in any way. Also I couldn't enjoy the story because I kept thinking, "Frank Tieri wrote this so it must be bad," which led me to believe it was bad. Was it really bad? Probably! It was about Cyborg! I guess that doesn't technically make it bad but it does make it boring.

Dark Nights: Batman The Red Death #1

These metal covers don't scan well. Also, I'm now blind.

A bunch of evil Batmen have been set loose on the DC Universe and it's made my penis very hard. I know "very" isn't the most descriptive word I could have chosen but how descriptive do you want me to be about my penis, you pervert? I just mean it's harder than usual! Like it's straining for another quarter inch! Um, on top of the lots of inches that make up the size of a large penis! You know how many that is! So many!

I wonder why I've never been asked to write for a professional comic book blog? Probably because of nepotism. My penis agrees! Nepotism is an anagram for Tom Penis. That's going to be my next Roller Playing character's name!

This issue begins with Batman, The Red Death, explaining what the Dark Multiverse is. Apparently it's the same as the regular Multiverse except it's formed from timelines where you acted on all of your terrible thoughts. I guess that means all the Infinite Worlds in the DC Multiverse are good? Even the one where the Nazis rule? Or does Batman, The Red Death, mean even worse thoughts than Nazism? Like putting M&Ms into your butthole? Whoops! I just made a Dark Multiverse World by thinking that! Also I must be in the Dark Multiverse for reasons that I won't make clear or else you're going to think, "Gross!"

Batman, The Red Death, must have been a comedian before he became Batman, The Red Death, because he begins by telling a joke. His joke is the explanation of the Dark Multiverse that I just explained. He says that no one on "this side" (meaning the Upside-Down!) is laughing. It's funny (or not funny?) but I wasn't laughing either! Oh! That might be proof that I'm in the Dark Multiverse! Also I've just discovered that M&Ms don't just melt in your mouth!

This story takes place on Earth -52. Unless it's Earth-52? No, I think the Dark Multiverse uses negative numbers. Besides, there isn't an Earth-52 according to the Multiversity Guidebook. Either way, editorial should have realized that the naming convention of using a dash to indicate the number of the Earth would be confusing for negative worlds. Shouldn't it be Earth--52? No wait. That looks like something Howard Mackie would write!

According to what I just learned about the birth of Dark Multiverse Worlds, regular non-dark Batman has contemplated killing The Flash and stealing his powers.

As you can see, Batman has murdered all of Flash's enemies and stolen their weapons. Also he's decided to wear Captain Cold's glasses because they're cool. That pun was seriously unintended. Also, is "pun intended" a pun on "unintended"?

One of the reasons I stopped reading Joshua Williamson's Flash comic book was because he doesn't understand how to write a character with The Flash's ability. Case in point:

This is the kind of portrayal of superspeed that refuse to make excuses for, unlike most comic book fans who will bend over backwards to explain how this happened. I'm not saying I can't think up reasons for how Batman got the jump on The Flash here. I'm saying I refuse to because they're all stupid.

Batman straps The Flash to the hood of his Cosmic Battreadmill and they race off into the Speed Force so Batman can steal it. Apparently the chains holding The Flash to the hood of the Battreadmill are made from Unvibratanium so The Flash can't phase out of them. Dammit! There I go making stupid excuses for Josh's inability to write The Flash! I hate myself.

Batman and The Flash ride into the Speed Force and become one. Exactly like couples on their honeymoons do! I'm assuming. Also I don't know what couples do on their honeymoon. I'm assuming it's either sex or Settlers of Catan.

Now that the prelude is over and we've learned how Batman, The Red Death, came to be (basically he and Flash fucked while time traveling through the Speed Force thus merging themselves into one grotesque Batflash), the story shifts to Gotham City on Earth-Main-Earth (that's the Earth that is the main Earth and not Earth Negative Main Negative Earth!). Joshy Williamson makes sure to throw in a bunch of speech bubbles from the media declaring this the worst moment ever in Gotham City's entire history. That must mean things are really bad because they've been super bad before! Remember Knightfall? And No Man's Land? And every time The Joker reappears? And the Night of the Talons? And last Thursday?

Oh wait. I was wrong. The scene takes place in Earth-Negative-Fifty-Two's Gotham City. I was confused even though I shouldn't have been confused because when I saw the page declaring "Gotham City," my first thought was, "Shouldn't they have said 'Gotham City. Earth-Main-Earth'?" But they didn't because it's Earth-Negative-Fifty-Two. Which, using logic and rationality, I should have realized by my first thought! I wish I were better at logic and rational thinking. Instead I'm only good at hiding M&Ms and screaming at the futility of existence.

Batman, The Red Death, kills all of the Gotham villains but that doesn't help save the world. I think there's a message there about violence! Or maybe not since comic books always solve all of their problems with violence. Anyway, Earth-Negative-Fifty-Two is about to die when Batjoker arrives to offer Batman, The Red Death, a way out. He accepts and they're off on a multiversal road trip to clean up Scott Snyder's poor plot points in his New 52 Batman run.

Earth-Negative-Zero? That doesn't make any sense! EDITORIAL!

Batman, The Red Death, arrives in Central City of Earth-Main-Earth and turns Iris and New 52 Wally West into old people. Barry tries to save them but is kidnapped by Doctor Fate before the big Flash vs. Bad Flash fight takes place. I should thank Doctor Fate because I'm sick of The Flash constantly battling other speedsters. Remember that thing about Joshua not being able to write The Flash? It seems the only way he can think to challenge The Flash is by having him fight other speedsters (who are usually from the future). When two speedsters fight, it isn't as exciting as you'd think. It's basically just like when two drunks begin brawling at a bar. If both combatants are fast, where's the comic book excitement? It just comes down to which one knows the better martial arts.

Batman The Red Death #1 Rating: Five stars! Don't get too excited. That's out of fifty! The Red Death's moral to this story is that one bad day can break a person and thus a world. That's his coffee shop philosophy on the topic of life. We all go about having a great time but then one bad day kicks the shit out of us and we all give up, throw in the towel, and become total monsters. The only problem with having this character espouse this philosophy is that this character — even the Dark Multiverse version — is based on Batman. And Batman is the epitome of showing how one truly terribly horrible bad day doesn't break a person at all. I mean, okay, mentally maybe it does because Batman is clearly insane! But it didn't break him to the point of giving up on the world or becoming a monster. It turned him into a beacon of hope and change and justice! I suppose the point is that Batman hasn't truly experienced a really bad day yet. That day will come when all of his beloved sons, as well as Jason Todd, are killed and/or Batman chooses to shove a bag of M&Ms up his asshole.