Teen Titans #3

Super-villain teams should really think about hiring twice the members of their rival team.

The Review!
Back in the past (not more than six years ago or else Damian would practically be a fetus in the memory), Damian and Mara were battling cousins. They were drawn like adults although in some panels the artist over-corrected and then they looked like sword wielding toddlers. In the past, Damian proved to Mara that he as better at everything. It seems Damian's been trying to prove to everybody forever that he's better than everyone. He's probably compensating for his lack of a father figure, his overburderning mother, and his too legendary to live up to legend of his grandfather. Also probably his tiny penis but he won't understand that overcompensation until he's older or Starfire begins to try to fuck him.

Meanwhile in the present, the Teen Titans are proving their moral compass is just as broken as the previous team's.

"Robin steals billion dollar machines that he probably shouldn't even be flying? SUPER COOL! Can we also break into a prisons and help harbor fugitives?"

The Teen Titans rush off to hide from the Demon's Fist because they're terrible at being a team. But Starfire is ready to beat the Demon's Fist because slavery or something. She's totally passionate about that subject. And Kid Flash is ready to beat the Demon's Fist because they stuck a tracker up his penis. And Changeling and Raven are ready because what else do they have to do (aside from Raven starring in her own six issue series which could have probably been two issues)?

The old Preboot Titans once went camping to get their heads straight and to bond as a team. Now these Rebirth Teen Titans decide that the best way to defeat the Demon's Fist is to make S'mores together.

Waiting around? Changeling does know why he's called Kid Flash, doesn't he?

Over the campfire, the members of the new Teen Titans all learn they have serious family issues. Starfire's sister is a slaver. Raven's father is a demon rapist. Kid Flash's father is Reverse Flash (and probably somewhere in the stone age). Robin's grandfather is the leader of the League of Assassins. And Beast Boy's father is Mento. But his mother is Elasti-Girl! Or maybe not. Beast Boy says he's lost his family and this is Rebirth. Maybe his old history was too complicated to go back to. Easier to believe his parent are dead than have them exist in the Young Animal universe while he's in this one.

I don't know that Rita Farr or Steve Dayton will wind up in the Young Animal version of Doom Patrol but probably! I think Rita may have already been mentioned.

The team begins to get comfortable with each other which means it's immediately time for Beast Boy to begin sexually harassing Starfire. Some things never change, I guess!

Damian realizes his team is a bunch of soft losers so he sneaks off to throw himself before his grandfather to plead for their lives. If Ra's calls off the Demon's Fist, Damian will rejoin the League of Assassins and throw away years of hard work with Batman. I guess that's what it means to have pals! But Beast Boy saw him fly off so if the Teen Titans really are Damian's new pals, they'll come rescue him.

The Ranking!
No change! So far this has followed the template for a Teen Titans comic book perfectly. Bunch of heroes with family problems wind up forming a superhero team that never actually does anything heroic and simply spends all of its time defending itself from personal threats. Great job, Percy!

Vigilante: Southland #3

Vigilante is still high as fuck.

The Review!
Last issue ended with Vigilante being framed for murder! Since he's a black man with a weapon in a house he doesn't own next to a dead body, he doesn't take the time to start a rational conversation about how he couldn't be the murderer based on the brain splatter patterns and the caliber of the sniper bullet and the broken window which the bullet came through and a whole bunch of other evidence that would probably exonerate him but it would be too late because he would have been shot dead immediately. So instead he begins fighting for his life against a full SWAT team who aren't high as fuck. He is in trouble!

"OH MY FUCKING GOD IT'S KEVLAR! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WE'RE DEFEATED!"

That caption wasn't hyperbole. The SWAT team really are defeated by the Kevlar. It's pretty embarrassing.

The Kevlar doesn't stop the SWAT team from shooting at Vigilante because Kevlar isn't a magic force field! I mean, it basically is in comic books but I have to believe that this comic book is pretending it isn't or else why wouldn't the SWAT team just stop shooting and go home? I mean, Kevlar, bitches! That's like Starfleet going up against Romulan cloaking technology! There's no way to fucking win! Unless you're Captain Kirk, of course. He's the anti-Kevlar!

The Kevlar isn't the only thing that helps Vigilante escape. He also confuses the SWAT team with a huge bong hit.

The sniper who sniped the guy who got sniped also gets away. But not before revealing to the reader that he has an upside down diamond tattooed under his left eye. That's a clue to the mystery! I kind of forget what the mystery was though. Part of the mystery was The Case of the Dead Girlfriend Who Probably Should Have Been the Main Character of this Comic Book. But she was investigating a mystery too and that's the one I can't really remember. I don't think it matters as long as Vigilante engages in some really exciting car chases and gun fights.

Some stuff takes place that has to do with the bad guy Spectros and his boss. His boss is a nearly naked woman who later gets naked because she's been a bad girl. Both of them want Vigilante dead.

Last commentary, I said "Vigilante" was one typo away from a sort of lewd word. It confused me at first because even I find my writing confusing if I'm not in the exact same head-space. But I quickly realized I must have meant "Vagilante."

Luckily for the plot and the reader, Vigilante found a clue while escaping the frame-up. He got the ID number of the sniper's boat! Now he's got something to investigate so the rest of this comic book isn't just Donny (that's Vigilante's real name!) getting his ass kicked in training by a guy in a wheelchair.

While investigating the boat, Vigilante is attacked by Diamond Eye Dick who tries to kill him. Since Diamond Eye Dick isn't in a wheelchair, you'd think he'd have a greater than 100% chance of defeating Donny. But you'd be wrong because apparently Donny's weakness is guy's in wheelchairs. He manages to fend off Diamond Eye Dick and escape. But while escaping on his motorcycle, he falls asleep. Probably because he's high as fuck. And just to make matters worse, he crashes right by two hungry pit bulls! To be continued! Such drama!

The Ranking!
-1! That was kind of a weak cliffhanger. It was almost as if Gary realized he was coming up on twenty pages and he was all, "Shit! I have Vagilante escaping on a motorcycle but how is that for an exciting ending?! I know! I can introduce his narcolepsy! And he can fall asleep! And he can crash! But that's not good enough, dammit! Oh! I know! DOGS! Wild dogs should be seen menacing him! BOOM! Thrilling ending! What's in store for old Vigilante next month?! Rabies? Maybe!"

Hard-Travelin' Heroz: Six Pack Loves Dog Welder #6

I sometimes make miniatures like this out of straw wrappers.

The Review!
Dog Welder dies saving the world and is added to the remembrance board at Noonan's.

Along with Steve Dillon.

The Ranking!
No change. Even though Steve Dillon died during this comic's run, it makes a fitting tribute to Garth Ennis's friend. It's also super gross because Constantine fucks a pile of guts and then throws up in his helmet when Bueno fucks him in the ass. Unless the splatter on the helmet wasn't on the inside but on the outside. Which is entirely possible and disgusting in quite a different way.

Hard-Travelin' Heroz: Six Pack Loves Dog Welder #5

Now I want to reread The Right Stuff. Although I really wanted to reread it after seeing Hidden Figures. That movie didn't have enough Gus Grissom in it.

I would review Hidden Figures but I know I'm not sensitive enough to handle something like that. Although here I go as I say, "My review would be something like 'Holy shit! I can't believe that one smarty-pants that sort of looked like Queen Latifah's daughter married that evil son-of-a-bitch Cottonmouth! And that woman who wanted to be an engineer was super adorable! And, um, so smart! Wooee! What a looker! I mean genius! That one part when Bull Durham knocks down the colored restroom sign was really good because it showed the most important part of the movie which was that sometimes white men stood up for black women's rights, even if it was only because it meant he could get more work out of them. Two parts of the movie really ruined it though. How come Sheldon wasn't good at math and no way that Scream Queens frat bro could be an astronaut. So unbelievable.'"

The Review!
I love that Constantine can call people "berks" in this comic book. What percentage of the audience does an editor have to assume can recognize a coded way of saying "cunt" before the editor cuts out the word? That's a serious question!

After Constantine calls a bunch of people berks, Section Eight steals a space shuttle and flies off to save the world. I guess Dogwelder needs to weld the Dogstar to somebody's face or something. Bonus story: Six Pack has an emotional breakdown.

The Ranking!
No change. Steve Dillon did the cover. It's like seeing a ghost!

Justice League of America Rebirth #1

Batman's mom made him a coat of many characters.

The Review!
Batman has probably quit more superhero teams than anybody in the history of comic books. That's probably a verifiable fact even though I don't know anything about the history of non-DC Comic books. I mean, Wolverine probably quit a lot of teams, right? I bet every time a new writer hopped on board the X-men, they were all, "Wolverine is a total loner! He doesn't fit on a team! I'll have him quit but then his Kitty Pryde Daddy Boner will bring him back because he actually has a heart (with an inappropriate boner!)!" Some of you didn't understand that sentence and are preparing to send me a poorly argued anonymous message. You can, if you want, but I'll just make you look stupid when I respond to it.

One of my main rules that keeps me sane while spending so much time on the Internet is to only ever respond to argumentative people once. That's because most people have terrible reading comprehension so they start arguments over things that were never said. If I write something and somebody responds angrily, I'll simply respond by either clarifying my statement (which I shouldn't have to do because if they missed the point the first time, they'll simply go on living with their assumption and completely ignore the clarification or think I'm backpedaling on my initial point) or simply tearing them a hilarious new asshole. It's not usually hilarious to them but it's fucking comedy gold to any nearby observers. On some rare occasions, I'll respond twice but it's always to the detriment of my own sanity. You can't engage with people who purposefully misinterpret everything so that they can be angrily self-righteous at the world. The trick to not getting ensnared by people who think they're great at arguing but are really just huge dopes is willpower. You just have to resist the urge to prove your point. You have to realize that no matter how clear you are, they just don't want to get your point. As soon as they chose to respond angrily to you, they think they've won. The fight is over. But they only really win when you devote any attention to them at all. I know it's common to say "Don't feed the trolls" but it works far better than people realize. They hate nothing more than people turning their backs on them.

Enough of that bullshit. I have a comic book with Lobo to read! Oh Lobo! You are the best character even though liking you is like admitting to unironically liking hair bands from the 80s! Liking Lobo is akin to putting on your spandex pants and your white leather jacket with all the fringes and heading down into the pit to mosh to Warrant and Poison opening for David Lee Roth. I don't care! I admit it! I love Lobo and Poison and high heel shoes!

Um, anyway, Batman is once again walking out on the Justice League to form his own group (although I won't admit to it outside of this parenthetical reference, he's probably just going to split his time between both teams). As I mentioned somewhere before, I would love for this to be a new Outsiders group. But I get how that would go against the theme of inclusion. Orlando doesn't want the audience to think of these gay and female and immigrant and black and bad-ass characters as outsiders. Orlando is stating, "This is America. These are the people who make up this country. Oh, and also a really fucking rich white dude telling the others what to do."

The Justice League of America (the better version of the Justice League because it has America in the title. U! S! A! U! S! A!) will have its headquarters in Happy Harbor, Rhode Island. It's the only time Rhode Island ever gets any love in fiction. The place is a disaster. I think the Crime Syndicate destroyed it. Unless it was the Manhunters. Who can remember now that this is Rebirth? Oh, and since this is the Rebirth issue, it will probably be twenty pages of the team sweeping up the cave and polishing steel and plugging the computers into power strips.

Oh! Before getting the team to clean the cave (which probably won't happen and Alfred will have to do it all himself), Batman has to recruit the team! I forgot he only recruited Lobo and Killer Frost so far.

The first person on the list is Black Canary's ass. That's a really decent first round pick.

Of course they always swing first! It's how comic books used to work! The bad guys were always bad. But then modern thought had to intrude and writers had to start asking questions like "But are they really?" and "What caused them to go bad?" and "If the bad guys aren't always bad, are the good guys always good?" and "What if we tear everything down and look at the whole superhero concept in ways that completely break the entire reason for the medium?!"

After watching the women fight for awhile, Batman makes his presence known. You'd think he would have tried to avoid unnecessary violence. You'd think that but his bat-boner would betray him.

Black Canary is already referring to Seattle as "her city." Don't you fucking hate recent transplants who go whole hog embracing their new homes? They're as bad as the local news who do ads that are basically handjobs for the egos of local residents. Here in Portland, one station has a promo that's all "Portlanders. We're thinkers and players. We're beer drinkers and wine tasters. We're super awesome at sex and we don't use umbrellas. We are so fucking righteously awesome guys! Watch our news!"

Batman explains that his team is a team of mortals and not a team of gods (except for Lobo, of course! Total god, that one). He also points out that Black Canary will be the team's conscience. I don't know how he figures that. I think he just wants to separate Black Canary from Green Arrow because he can. Batman probably hates Oliver Queen for stealing his rich white guy fighting street crime shtick.

Next up is Lobo who is hanging out in New Jersey for some reason. Maybe because his secret identity is Jon Bon Jovi!

That's a pretty good description of Lobo.

One of these days, I'm going to write a Shakespearean play about Lobo. It'll totally be easy because he's got that whole "stick to my word" honor thing which can easily turn his life upside-down. Too bad he doesn't have a daughter named after a sexually transmitted disease though.

So Killer Frost recruits Black Canary. Black Canary recruits Lobo. That means Lobo gets to recruit The Atom! I bet it involves human gauging!

Darn it. I wanted to see Ryan Choi inside Lobo's penis.

Now Ryan gets to recruit The Ray! I bet those two have a lot of fun together. Ray can turn into a beam of light and Ryan can ride him around! Probably. That sounds theoretically possible based on my high school knowledge of physics (which is mostly the knowledge of how many Gs the Tidal Wave roller coaster at Great America exerts on its passengers).

Next on the list is Vixen. You probably already know the list since you've seen the cover and possibly read all of the JLA Rebirth one shots. Vixen is currently hanging out in downtown Manhattan channeling koi. I guess she wants to suffocate? Oh, maybe it's some kind of catfish that produces electricity. I've never had one of those at Popeyes.

Batman tells Vixen that there is no team without her. That's a lie or else he'd have recruited her first! If she said no, was he going to fly back to Happy Harbor and call the whole thing off?

Now that the recruiting is done, it's time to call the first meeting of the Justice League of America to order!

I love you, Lobo!

Remember when Lobo first appeared in The Omega Men? Batman should have forced Lobo back into his purple and orange costume.

I love Lobo in a way that other people don't love Lobo. It's a special kind of love that most people don't understand. I don't care that he was meant to be an indictment of the grim and gritty mass killer characters popular among the moronic and stupid. Lobo, like Rorschach, transcended the authorial criticism inherent in his creation! Also he looks super cool and sexy, wears radical knee pads that don't make any fucking sense, rides a motorbike, looks like he's wearing clown make-up, has a butt-rocker sense of style, and is way into space dolphins. He's the fucking best ever.

Batman has a big speech that's basically "Representation matters!" If that's true of this team then Lobo represents me! He's bad-ass and great at math! I know I said I was not able to do math in a Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps commentary but that was a lie. In reality, when I walked into my calculus class as a senior and one of the nerdy kids looked at my cool-ass Lobo look (minus the clown make-up and knee pads), he was all, "What are you doing in this class?" I just lit my cigar and said, "Sit down, ya bastich." After I came back from the principal's office for smoking in class, I totally rocked that math!

There's an epilogue page that's not really an epilogue but one of those pages that was basically the entire story in Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #13 where it's just random images of future events to get fangenders and their crotches all worked up. This one shows Lobo and Ray about to kiss, Destiny talking to Killer Frost, Batman holding Liberty Belle's shield, and Ryan discovering Ray Palmer. Sounds super exciting!

The Ranking!
Best comic book ever! I mean, not really, but it features Lobo! Twenty stars! All the thumbs up! Fifteen tub girls! Super fantastic!

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #13

This is the men engaging in the sports variant cover.

The Review!
This story takes place sixty Earth years in the future but on the planet Xudar. If it told us how far into the future it was in Xudar years, the reader would be confused because most of us don't know how to do math. Also we don't have the proper conversion tables. But mostly the math thing. If you can do math, you aren't a real comic book fan. Everybody should have fond memories of reading ROM tucked into their Algebra books while trying to conceal the surprise boner that's come for a visit. Just randomly and not because I have a thing for spaceknights.

Sixty Earth years in the future, the Xudarians all have jet-packs! Luckies! Can you imagine how things would be different if we had jet-packs right now?! Every other case on Judge Judy would be about a jet-pack mishap instead of about an exorbitant phone bill on a phone somebody lent to their "friend."

The stupid story doesn't remain in the future so I guess I won't be seeing any more jet-packs. Instead a big fat old Xudarian tells a story about the past to her stupid needy grandchildren. So instead of just telling a story about Xudar in the present, Venditti decides to tell a story about Xudar in the present except through the perspective of somebody from the future. I guess that's so he can play fast and loose with the truth. That'll teach those continuity-concerned fangenders a thing or two about something or other!

The story is about the attack by Starro that just happened a few issues ago. What a rip-off! I already paid money to read that story! This is fucking stupid. I hate comic books.

The English word you're looking for, Xudarian, is not saliva.

The teller of the tale describes how she, only eleven cycles old (I don't know how many Earth years that is because I can't math, remember? Stop hassling me about it!), first set eyes on the Green Lantern Corps. She looked up in the sky and saw straight up Arisia's skirt. It was a sight to behold! She also saw all of the other Green Lanterns and decided the way to make her story most exciting was to introduce all of them. Or at least the ones that mattered, like the human ones. And I guess the Xudarian one. And the one that says "Poozer!" all of the time because that's hilarious. She never introduces the one that looks like an onion fucked a pair of sweat socks.

The story continues past the defeat of Larfleeze and into territory that hasn't been written yet. At that point, the old lady gets really vague with the details. If I were one of her grandchildren, I would boo the fuck out of her. BOO! HISS! Terrible story telling!

Apparently in the future, the X-men will get their own Lantern Corps. Unless these rings are for the Pornographic Lanterns.

Then the old lady glosses over a huge battle for the fate of existence between all of the Lantern Corps, as if that happening once isn't enough. But at least Dex-Starr makes a guest appearance. He's all, "Boo! Hiss! Terrible story telling!" Then he scratches the shit out of Indigo-1's vagina. It's her own fault for only wearing a skimpy little loincloth. Can't the Indigo Staves create full uniforms?

The old lady Xudarian is all, "Okay! That's enough of my stories!" And her kids are all, "Dafuq?! You barely told a story!" And the old lady is all, "Go to sleep, you bastards."

After the story, the grandmother teaches her kids a lesson. She's all, "All those emotions on the spectrum? Stupid! They're all stupid and dumb. You know which one isn't though? Will! The Green Light! It's so cool. Don't you think it's cool, kids? You should totally think it's cool because it's the best!" Then the kids are all, "Yay! We love will!" So the old lady leaves them and then goes and puts on her Green Lantern ring. Way to brainwash your grandchildren! This is why, if I had had kids (which I didn't because I don't know how to do it), I would never let them anywhere near my mother! She'd ruin them.

The Ranking!
No change! I'd give it a -1 Ranking for barely telling me a story but I'm not always that petty. I sort of liked the story even though I called it fucking stupid and it forced me to declare that I hate comic books. Sometimes I get a little too emotional when I think a comic book company is stealing my money by selling me the same old shit. But this wasn't completely the same old shit. Just mostly!

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #12

Ethan Van Sciver draws the worst male crotches.

The one time the GOP have ever used the excuse that they were being inclusive was when they refused to acknowledge the Jewish people were targeted by Hitler's regime. They're like a bunch of stoners who still think they're being sneaky when they refer to 420. We all hear your stupid dog-whistles, you racists.

The Review!
This issue begins with the Green and Yellow Lanterns battling the Orange Lanterns.

I didn't know Guy Gardner's penis was a Green Lantern.

To beat Larfleeze, John orders the Green Lanterns to smash the shit out of Larfleeze's collection. This seems like one of those solutions that's only a solution because the writer is in control of it being a solution. But just based on how Tomar-Tu needs to keep his home city in a green bubble to keep it from growing back to its normal size in the underground chamber, I'd guess that at least a few other bottles have cities in them as well. Not only that, there are horrible aliens in those jars too! Like Starro! And probably some other ones!

Plus at least one terribly written alien!

This isn't the first time one writer has commented on how terrible another writer is. Remember Rotworld? Jeff Lemire made sure that all the evil Rotworld superheroes were those being terribly written by Scott Lobdell and Tom DeFalco and J.T. Krul and Nathan Edmondson. I agree that it's possible Venditti is simply commenting on what a terrible concept Twat Lobo was, or maybe Hal is suggesting Twat Lobo is too dangerous to be set free. But knowing how writers think, I'm going to assume that this is about how terrible Cullen Bunn wrote Twat Lobo. Just wink at me if I'm write, Bobby!

Larfleeze blames the failure on Brainiac 2.0 and kills him. That simply means Brainiac 2.0 is now an Orange Lantern. I always hoped he'd get some familiar faces on his squad. Maybe he should kill Twat Lobo too!

The Lanterns finish the job and congratulate each other. There's some sappy family garbage between Hal and Tomar-Tu (unless it's Tomar-Re?) before the Yellow Lanterns and the Green Lanterns form a peaceful treaty. And they all lived happily ever after! Again! And finally!

The Ranking!
No change!