Wonder Woman #14

I remember when my hair was this luxurious.

The Review!
Let's see. What did I just read? Wonder Woman was in it and she was all, "Hi-yah!" Is that how you spell the noise you make when you karate chop some fool in the throat? Because that's what she did to Ares. And Ares was all, "Nice guys finish last because of you dumb women!" And Wonder Woman was all, "Patriarchy this, motherfucker!" Then she kicked him in the patriarchies (which are the balls) and an owl took his Fedora and a deer headbutted him in the dice bag and a falcon tore out his eyes while mocking him by screeching, "Mi'lady!" Then after Ares disappeared (not dead but humiliated, running off to go sort his Magic cards through his tears and pretending that he wasn't hurt at all) and Steve Trevor was all, "I'm in love! SPRUBOING!" That's the sound of his penis. Then I think later Etta and Barbara fucked drunkenly. A good time was had by all! Including Ares who finally got all his lands sorted by artist!

The Ranking!
No change!

Wonder Woman #13

Apparently Wonder Woman cries out of her eyes and ears.

When a person gets annoyed at somebody saying "All it takes to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun," it's almost certainly not why you think it is. The problem with the statement isn't strictly the part about the guns. The problem is that time after time we've seen that the "good guy" can't actually recognize a bad guy (or if there is even a gun (or, knowing that all the good guy has to say is they thought there was a gun, not caring that there isn't a gun at all)). It's easy to point to a mass shooting and say, "That guy could have been stopped if a good guy had a gun." In fact, gun lovers love to point out those hypothetical situations as proof that more guns are needed. But try to point out that "good guys" with guns constantly shoot anybody they perceive as being a bad guy and you'll soon find out what the real argument of the "All it takes..." quote is. Because as we've seen from people who support Donald Trump's travel ban from countries with populations which have a zero percent rate of terrorist attacks on American soil in the last thirty years, they already know who the bad guys are. You would think the operative word in their pithy argument would be "gun" but the actual identifier of the bad guy is a dog whistle and a wink: dark skinned. In Professor John Jennings' essay, "Skin Cells" (published in Bitch Planet #8 (and possibly elsewhere?)), he states how his black body is inscribed by society "with the visual language of discrimination, fear, and violence." He also uses this quote by Claudia Rankine: "Because white men can't police their imagination, black men are dying." Societal beliefs and expectations are a virus which you've lived with for so long that you come to accept it as just a part of who you are. Many people truly believe the bad guy is dark skinned. Many people now believe the only real bad guy is Muslim. Somehow they conveniently ignore all of the mass killings perpetrated by white skinned individuals. I have a theory about that!

Don't I always have a theory about everything? I am, after all, a complete and utter individual whose confident voice of reason demands to be heard. Or at least that's what I've learned, having grown up white, male, and heterosexual. Oh wait. That's my theory! White people are seen as individuals who are responsible for their own actions and thus don't represent an entire group when they shoot up school or a church or a mosque or a Planned Parenthood. But dark skinned people are seen as representative of their entire race or religion and thus any crime perpetrated by one is an example of how all the rest will act. I guess that isn't much of a "my theory" as it is the generally accepted theory of how we view race in this country. Or at least a theory held by intelligent people who perceive reality and not people like my cousin Troy who find Super Bowl ads hilarious, thinks responding to facts by saying "Bullshit" is discussion, and likes pages like CarMax on Facebook because why?

I'm considering posting that on Facebook and then replying to it with "In before Troy can say 'Bullshit'." (The period belongs outside the quotes because Troy doesn't know about punctuation.)

The Review!
This comic book is hard to follow because it's two different stories published in an alternating schedule. All that really means is that I have to wait a month to read the next part of each story which, in yet another theory, should be fine since that's how people generally experience comic books. But knowing that I have a problem remembering stories from month to month, I began a blog to help me remember what happened the previous month. But now when I get a new issue of Wonder Woman, I reread my previous blog entry on Wonder Woman which discusses the story that I'm not about to read! I suppose I could reread the penultimate entry I've written but that's too much of a hassle. And by "too much of a hassle," I just mean anything that takes just a moment's extra thought and nearly no extra time at all.

What I'm trying to say is I forget what was happening in this story. But I also haven't read a Wonder Woman comic book for two months due to falling behind. So that's probably the main source of my inability to remember.

It turns out Wonder Woman, in her search for home, has fallen into a coma. Also a woman with a name-tag that reads Maru (probably Chris Carter's daughter) is killing government agents in her search for Wonder Woman. She's the woman with the scar on her face on the cover of this issue except somebody forgot to tell the cover artist, Liam Sharp (unless this is the variant cover and then it's Jenny Frison. Except I don't think it's Jenny Frison because I usually come in my pants when I see her art and that didn't happen when I looked at this cover), that the scar is supposed to look like a caduceus. That's probably a clue!

Wonder Woman quickly gets better. I don't mean all the way better. I just mean out of a coma better.

I think Steve Trevor and Wonder Woman have wound up on the island from Lost in their search for Themyscira. That must be why there's a Dharma logo on the cover for the Sprocket Station.

Did anybody ever do an I Ching reading of the Dharma logos? I should ask Lord Google about that. Here's a reading by NewSuez on losteastereggs, a blogspot blog:

"I chose these symbols for a reading on the internet and this is what it came up with...
The time is not yet right for you to act, so be patient: the transition from chaos to order is not yet complete. You are following the right path, but avoid disputes, and success will come to you in time.
Equal partnerships benefit. Act with humility to all people; restore balance between excess and dearth in order to be successful.
This is a good time for increased activity and prosperity, and maybe travel over water. Make the most of this time because it will pass. Be generous and do not seek unfair advantage over others.
Do not follow someone else's path. Be careful of dangerous situations: deceit and hidden objectives will be harmful, although honesty and honourable actions could be beneficial. Learn from these situations for the future.
There is good fortune, but this is not a time to relax. Be sure to consolidate what you have, or have gained. Act with caution and strive to maintain balance.
Everything is as it should be! Take opportunities as they arise, and act with conviction, but make sure you do not appear over-confident or 'immodest'.
Avoid excesses, and preserve what you have. You may need to accept a loss, but do so easily: greater benefit will replace the loss. Be restrained but flexible, and act with sincerity.
There is danger which must be acknowledged, and actions taken in quiet ways with the support of others. Greater prosperity will follow if you act fairly and with honour, and are cautious in your actions."

I would do an I Ching reading of the logo on the cover except I don't think it has entries for tentacles.

The theory that they're on the island from Lost isn't just a joke! The caduceus on Maru's face was one of the Dharma stations. In fact, all of the Dharma stations have some connection to Apollo. Which probably means something if I cared to spend any more time thinking about Lost than I already have in this lifetime.

That's what the captain of the Black Rock probably said! Oh! Steve Trevor keeps thinking about how they're trapped on a "rock" in the middle of the "Black" sea! Totally on the Lost island!

This island is also an island that can't be found and shouldn't be where it is. Coincidence? The island might also be a gateway to another place. This one to Themyscira, the island of Lost to Heaven (since it was, you know, Purgatory).

Maru (who is a Marina and not a Piper) lands on the island with her team, Poison. They rock the fucking faces off the hair band kids and then get their asses beat by jock Steve Trevor. He might kick the asses of Poison but not their leader, Marina Maru. She gets the drop on Wonder Woman and ends the battle because Steve Trevor hasn't seen the comic by Kerry Callen

Why the bracelets? Click through to find out!

Steve and Diana are rescued by some of Steve's or Etta's or Jack's or Locke's or Ben's friends. They leave the Island and escape although they'll probably have to come back later to finish finding Themyscira and Diana's past.

Diana is locked in a mental ward until she can metamorphose into Rebirth Wonder Woman. Right now, she's still really confused by all of that history between Crisis on Infinite Earths and now.

The Ranking!
-1! This was just a stupid love letter from Steve Trevor to Diana! Romance is stupid! And dumb! That might not be a fair assessment of this comic book but it's a completely biased assessment, which is all you'll ever get from me! I promise!

Detective Comics #949

These kinds of grimaces always make me think of Rob Liefeld.

The Review
No change. Batwoman gets a new mission from her father hunting down terrorist organizations fighting over control of Hugo Strange's monster venom that turns corpses into Godzilla Zombie Monsters. This is a job for Batwoman because she doesn't mind using shotguns and you need to use a shotgun if you're going to kill Godzilla Zombie Monsters or if you're going to protect the Batcave from clowns. But she'll be dealing with that mission over in her own comic book so Batman isn't "TT"ing her every other page due to the gun residue all over her body. I suppose she'll still be in this series as well since she's the leader of the Bat-family Military Training School.

Oh, and the derivative Colony super assassin who bragged about being able to beat up Batman because he had studied all of Batman's moves for years? He gets his ass kicked. Embarrassed, he jabs some monster venom into his neck so that he can be Batwoman's nemesis over in her comic book. He would have been a boring nemesis if he'd remained just a regular old white dude. Now he's some kind of man-bat thing which most people who aren't me probably find more exciting than average white guys.

Doctor October doesn't appear in this issue. She'll probably be the main supporting character in Batwoman's series. Also, her name has a lot of 'O's in it.

Detective Comics #948

What is Batwoman beginning? A podcast? A line of Bat-undergarments? A fast-food joint?

The Review!
No change. The art is fantastic. The Colony's new super assassin is derivative. And Dr. October is the sexiest trans character since Alysia Yeoh.

Detective Comics #947

Deserved it.

The Review!
Spoiler scolds Batman for doing his job incorrectly. She should be scolding all the terrible writers who let superhero comics fall this far. She should be scolding James Tynion IV for writing a response to those assholes instead of just fucking ignoring that garbage and just getting back to making superheroes about saving lives and helping the downtrodden and inspiring people to be greater than they are. She should scold the editors for letting shit get this bad. At this point, what's her fucking solution? Batman gives up being the Batman and DC Comics stops printing comic books? Because the only way to stop all of these villains from causing death and destruction, according to Spoiler and all the shit writers that brought DC Comics to this point, is to stop having superheroes for them to attack. Obviously no super-villain in the DC Universe has any plan greater than getting revenge on a superhero. So I guess the superheroes will have to retire and DC Comics will only be able to print comic books about Gotham police or Metropolis police or Central City police.

Oh wait! Here's another idea. Stop taking part in this self-reflective, masturbatory bullshit! Hey, editors? How about telling writers that heroes in the DC Universe are heroic and they stop villains from making the world a dangerous place. So they're going to have to think a little harder with their stories to give villains motivations that do not involve superheroes. The villains should be crossing their fingers and hoping no hero catches wind of their plan. Enough of these villains who are all, "You know what? I'm going to spend the incredibly vast amount of money I have and tap into the crazy scientific and technological resources at my disposal to kill Batman, who, let's face it, has never been killed before (except maybe that one time (sort of (but not really)))" How about they either retire at that point to some private island or you give them a reason for committing crimes that could potentially place them in conflict with Batman or Superman?

I've ranted about this before but it's really annoying me now with Batman being scolded by Spoiler. Fuck you, Spoiler. Fuck right the hell off. It's not Batman's fault! It's every writer that has participated in this catastrophe!

So this is the Stephanie Brown everybody missed so badly during The New 52? I can do without her.

I know all the Steph fans are saying shit like, "Give her a break! She's mourning Tim! Have a heart!" To which I respond, "One: Tim was a douche. And two: I don't have a heart." Although I don't ultimately blame Steph for her own actions. As I've noted, I blame lazy fucking writers who have made the very concept of the superhero who inspires by saving the day into a fucking joke. And I also don't totally blame Tynion for writing this response to the mess writers have made of the DC Universe. He's only trying to make a logical progression from Point A (villains only exist to attack heroes) to Point B (heroes are the fucking worst).

The other heroes tell Steph that they've made the choice to be heroes and it isn't Batman's fault that they don't have foster parents or a cure or a military academy to run. They don't tell her to fuck off although Batwoman comes pretty close. Steph decides to ditch the Bat-family and dedicate her life to doing the exact thing she wanted to stop by stopping heroes. Steph decides to fight against the heroes. Steph decides her goal now is fight Batman. Just like all the other victims of violence who blame the heroes. Just like all the villains whose only goal is to defeat the heroes. Fuck you, Stephanie Brown. Eat s-h-i-t.

Mostly I'm angry at Stephanie for quitting because now Batman wants to add Azrael to the team. Fucking Christ. Are you kidding me? That guy is bummer city.

The Ranking!
No change. I can't lower the rating just because Batman mentions getting Jean Paul Valley on the team. But if that happens, this comic will lose rankings faster than a comic written by Ann Nocenti and drawn by David Finch.

Detective Comics #946

Batman is now responsible for everybody he couldn't save.

The Review
At one point in this issue, Spoiler discusses her misgivings about being a superhero with a programmed bit of Clayface that looks and acts like Tim Drake. This is part of what she says:

I fucking hate this with all of my comic book loving heart.

I don't know exactly where the blame falls for comic books entering a modern era where everybody had to deconstruct what they mean or where writers decided to discuss real world consequences of having superheroes and super-villains. But whoever is to blame, they fucking broke the magic of superhero comic books. I'm not saying some remarkable stories didn't come out of that perspective. But it paved the way for lazy writers to merely write stories where the villains sole reason for existing was to defeat the bad guy. Sure, there was probably quite a bit of this previously but that was before the change in perspective of viewing heroes and the normal people around them as if they were real. It was a naive landscape where The Joker could go after the Batman simply for the sake of going after the Batman because he wasn't murdering thousands of residents of Gotham every time he attacked. No when The Joker attacks Gotham simply to punish Batman, the audience can't escape the question: would Gotham be safer without Batman? That's a question that should never have to be asked in comic books. We shouldn't be delving into the idea that superheroes cause more harm than good because at that moment, the entire reason for superheroes ceases to exist.

When you have story after story of a villain attacking Superman or Wonder Woman or The Flash or Batman or The Teen Titans simply because they have a vendetta against them, all collateral damage and innocent lives lost can, arguably, be blamed on the hero. Every time Superman is manipulated by a villain to do evil, Superman becomes a threat rather than an inspiration. Years of lazy writers who couldn't be bothered to come up with a criminal motivation for the super-villain and instead simply had the villain target the hero created the next generation of writers asking the question, "Why aren't more people angry that proximity to superheroes causes death and destruction?" Now heroes have to constantly be proving that they make things at least 51% safer than if they weren't there as opposed to what they once were: simply heroes that people were inspired by and whom people trusted and who fucking, quite simply, made the world a better place.

Fuck this bullshit that heroes are responsible for the death and destruction caused by villains. And here's the worst thing: I can't say that they aren't responsible! Of course the Teen Titans made New York an unsafe city because every fucking time the Fearsome Five or the Brotherhood of Evil or Deathstork showed up causing death and destruction it was because they were trying to kill the Teen Titans. Lazy comic book writers have made it so I can't enjoy a fucking Teen Titans book where Councilwoman Alderman is wrong to want them out of the city! She's a fucking asshole who is written to be an asshole and a villain but she's got a fucking point!. Give me back my heroic heroes who never allow themselves to be the reason for death and destruction. Make your fucking heroes heroic again, DC Comics.

What I'm saying is the heroes should never have to slow the fuck down long enough to ask themselves if what they're doing actually helps! Goddammit. It should be obvious. Make it obvious, you pricks.

Spoiler returns to the Bat-family after her philosophical musings with fake Red Robin. She stops them from sending the Victim Syndicate to the police after they've defeated them all because she has a few things to say about Batman and the world he's created. Oh boy. I can hardly fucking wait.

The Ranking!
No change! Batman still doesn't know exactly who the First Victim is but does it really matter to Batman? To him, the real First Victim, the one he couldn't save but always blames himself for, is his Mother. Definitely not his Father because his Father should have fucking saved his Mother, the creep.

Action Comics #972

Touching butts is extremely sexual to Kryptonians. And to Earthlings, really.

The Review!
Look, I'm fucking busy. Not busy in the way most people think when they hear the word busy. I'm not busy saving lives or doing work or prioritizing important issues in my life that would probably make me a happier person overall. No, I'm fucking busy fucking around. My days are full of leisure hours because I've decided leisure is better than stress. I endure just enough stress to support maximizing my leisure hours. And I don't just sit there thinking, "Christ. I'm fucking bored. Why do people live so long?" I mean, sometimes I do wonder why people live so long but mostly that's due to the constant erosion of our senses of wonder and our capacity for passion until we're just vapid hunks of intellect that can't be bothered to emote anymore. But mostly, I don't feel boredom because I pack so much time wasting into my leisure time! Even explaining this shit is intruding on all the time wasting I had planned! And since I have so much time wasting to get to, and because it's bugging the fuck out of me that I'm still reading these comic books that came out months ago instead of reading comics the week they come out, I'm going to try my best to stifle my digressive nature! I'm going to get right to the review of the comic book which I'm going to read before even writing the review instead of writing the review as I read it. Even now, I'm stifling the urge to digress about how I just pointed out how I was going to stifle my urge to digress!

Okay. I'm reading now! You just fucking wait until I'm finished. I am not going to interrupt my reading, no matter how many times Superman does something ill-conceived!

I'm not even going to make a pants shitting joke here!

I'm not done reading the comic book yet but I can't just stand by and not mention a stupid plot point. L'call and Zade are hunting Lex Luthor. Even when Superman defends Luthor, they say things like "Out of the way" and "You aren't our target." So presumably, they don't give a shit what happens to Superman. Later, Lex and Superman come up with a plan to evade Zade and L'call: split up! Their reasoning is that it will force Zade and L'call to split up. Wrong. It would just mean Zade and L'call get to hunt down Lex Luthor while Superman hides in a bush.

Of course comic books being what comic books are (generally poorly constructed plots by average writers who have to deal with editorial interference and tight monthly schedules which result in stories that constantly reuse old comic book plots, tropes, and clichés), Zade and L'call split up.

Of course it helps if you have super-cunning, super-speed, and super-agility.

What would have been cunning? L'call and Zade shrugging their shoulders over Lex and Superman splitting up and both just going after Lex!

Okay! So, what is this issue about and what does it attempt to do? Aside from the usual bits where Superman is shown to still be Superman even without his powers, or that other bit where an antagonist isn't killed by the protagonist so it causes the antagonist to completely rethink their entire belief system, it does a nice job reworking the relationship between Lex Luthor and Superman. It reframes New 52 Lex Luthor for the audience. Superman has never known this Lex to be a super-villain. And aside from Lex being in prison with a scar across his face in He Who Shall Not Be Named's run of Superman, DC hasn't given readers any proof that Lex is any more of a criminal than any other ethically challenged corporate CEO. In seeing how some aliens have already convicted Luthor for crimes they suspect he'll commit, Superman realizes how wrong is his assumption that Lex will inevitably do something terrible. So Lex and Superman bro-hug it out and decide to start over. Superman is no longer suspicious of Lex and Lex no longer has an anti-hard-on for super-powered aliens. We'll see how that eventually plays out, of course, but I like the idea of Rebirth starting out with a neutral relationship between Preboot Superman and New 52 Lex Luthor. This is actually doing right what The New 52 should have fucking done previously. Instead of that stupid fucking scar-faced Lex Luthor who was in the only prison that could hold him because Superman dared him to make a prison that he couldn't escape from. You-Know-Who wrote that stupid idea and then never followed up with the obvious reality of that idea: Lex Luthor would have built a prison that seemed like he couldn't get out of but he could leave any time he wanted.

Anyway, no change on the ranking or anything. Because even if I liked some aspects of this, I still hated the oft-used plot devices and the bit with Clark, after having met Jon, storm away thinking that Lois is lying to him (which she is! Surprise!) and the ending where the guy who saw Superman's future is all, "Oho! Superman is going to have a lot of shit to worry about so keep buying this comic, boys and girls!"