Shade the Changing Girl #3

Synchronized Swimming would be more interesting if the routines were improvised.

Here's a simple test to gauge your intelligence level:

A. How often do you worry about looking stupid?
1. Not often.
2. Semi-often.
3. Often.
4. I giggled at the use of the word "semi."

B. Have you ever found yourself exclaiming, "I am not stupid!", because somebody called you stupid for doing something stupid?
1. I've been called stupid but I had just done something stupid, so I was all, "Yeah, der! So dumb!"
2. I can't recall.
3. Yes, dammit!
4. I am not stupid!

C. How many times have you found yourself explaining to another stupid person that book smart people have no common sense?
1. Never.
2. When I was younger, maybe?
3. A few times.
4. What do you mean "another" stupid person?! I am not stupid!

D. Do you often vote against your own self-interests?
1. Probably because our system isn't built to order a system catered entirely to my own personal needs.
2. Nope!
3. How is voting for less taxes against my own interests, right? More money for me! Holla!
4. Yesterday, I gave a fetus an assault rifle.

E. How annoyed do you get when people know things without having to consult their phones?
1. Annoyed? You meant overjoyed, right?
2. Not much if they're not smug about it.
3. Knowing things without asking Google? That's a thing?
4. Fucking elitist bitches.

F. How much of your news do you get from YouTube videos?
1. Seriously? People get their news from YouTube? Isn't it just raccoon videos and BBC shows flipped right to left so they don't get taken down?
2. None. I just use it to watch old videos from the 80s.
3. Just pop culture stuff.
4. Have you heard that the Earth is flat?

Now add up your score! The higher you scored, the dumber you are! If you can't add up your score, you're really fucking stupid!

I probably shouldn't judge people who can't add too harshly. It's not like intelligence alone dictates your ability to add. First you have to be taught to add! Then, if after you've been taught, you still suck at it, I can judge!

I don't have a sweet segue to get me from that to the comic book, so this sentence will have to do.

Shade is having trouble getting back on the synchronized swim team because she doesn't know how to swim in a human body. Back on Meta, she was some kind of bird person. So now she's all, "I don't float with ease! How are these gangly limbs supposed to keep me above water? Which hole is my cloaca?!" Thankfully, she has a boy Megan used to fuck stalking her who knows how to swim and is willing to teach her. I also might have used thankfully incorrectly there.

Meanwhile, the pink girl in space is headed toward Meta. It must be Megan's soul and she's seeking Loma's body because it's wearing the Madness Vest. Instead of being in the Area of Madness, Loma's body is in a glass case in her boyfriend's apartment. That will make it more entertaining when Megan takes it over because she'll be able to wreak havoc on Meta and teach everybody about the power of the mean girl.

Megan's messages to Teacup look like my Xbox received messages after playing Call of Duty.

Shade decides she needs to figure the whole Megan thing out if she's going to survive among the people Megan knew. So she climbs deep into her body's subconscious where Megan's memories still half-reside and begins rooting around in them for clues about the life she's going to have to try to lead.

On her inner journey, Shade learns that her mom is a dope, her best friend is a dupe, her boyfriend sucks at grammar (but can identify Mars in the sky, so he's cool with me), and Megan herself has been a fucking jerk to Teacup. So she decides to check with her neighbor River to find out why Megan was so hated. River never knew Megan personally so it's okay if he helps her. He shows her a BookFace group full of the people she's bullied. It's so traumatic for her that she has a Madness Seizure. River begins to suspect she isn't Megan at all but Shade flees the scene because what else can you do when your innermost being is suddenly splattered all over a stranger's room?

The next day, Shade decides to learn how to swim with the help of Megan's old boyfriend. It goes fantastically! I mean the part where she relearns how to swim goes fantastically. The part where she beats the shit out of Megan's old "friends" because they threaten to kick her off the swim team doesn't go that great.

Meanwhile, the pink girl is still floating around observing the universe.

The backup story is a Dial H for Hero story. A girl named Christy is working at some kind of Hard Rock Cafe but superhero themed. On the wall is the Dial H for Hero dial. When a customer begins attacking his girlfriend, Christy decides to use the dial! Probably because if she saves this woman, she'll get a B-I-G-T-I-P! And she does! Sort of!

She gets a kiss from...me?! Try to ignore the part where I'm killed!

Christy untransforms when the villain appears because this is one of those stories where the villains are caused by the heroes. Except that's not the point and I know it! That's just one of my issues with mainstream superhero comic books interfering with my ability to understand this story on the most basic of levels. I'm also disappointed that with all the words that only use letters in the word HERO which form the skeleton of this story, the writer forgot to use O-R-E-O.

The Ranking!
No change! A lot of the time, I give a comic book a "No Change!" rating simply because I don't want to have to adjust the sideboard rankings list. I'm not even sure where this comic book is placed on the rankings (or if it's even on there at all! I should probably check. No, no. If I check and it's not there, I'll have to add it which is more work (not much more work but still more!)). But I do like this book even if it probably wouldn't make the top of the To Read pile on the weeks it comes out.

Shade the Changing Girl #2

Whoa! Look how crazy this comic book looks! It must be super smart and insightful and full of the arts!

People generally look down on happy, cheerful, and joyous people as stupid jerks. Because they obviously can't be intelligent if they aren't angry or dissatisfied! The way you prove how smart you are to somebody else is to point out how fucking stupid and terrible everything is. But I think happiness and joy get a bad rap simply because it's not as intense a feeling as sadness or pain or heartache or anger. But as an older person (not that older! You'll see soon, you jerko young people! You'll be old one day too! That's my curse on you!), I don't want to constantly be bothered by intense emotions. Drama doesn't make life exciting. It makes life tiresome and distracts a person from enjoying themselves. Who has the energy to be angry at everything all the time?! Not me! About all the energy I can muster is a biting word or two thrown out into the void of the Internet like a tithe to the Gods of righteousness and condemnation. If you young people want to be so angry about everything, I don't mind. But you're really exhausting me about some of the bullshit you get angry about. Christ. Stop going off like a shotgun and blowing holes in everything! Maybe work on getting laser focused and fixing something big like sexism or racism or something because I'm tired of getting hit by your buckshot every time I call somebody a retard. Let's face it: I'm definitely going to call my friend Doom Bunny retarded at least three times this week. But it will be in private so you probably shouldn't be angry about it. Also, I probably shouldn't have admitted to doing it. Mostly because I probably won't do it and now people will be mad that I even joked about it! Because words literally cause harm, if you fall for that sort of propaganda used to get people to just shut up and act the way other people want them to act. You can't shame a person who has no shame, motherfuckers!

That point I made about people criticizing things to prove how smart they are? I wanted to say something else about that! I've always found it's easy to read something and instantly tear it apart because it doesn't meet the approved standards of the person reading it. I find it's much harder to quell those instantaneous reactions and take a moment to think, "What if I'm wrong? What if I'm just reacting to the most shallow aspect of the thing? What if I were to take a second look and try to figure out what makes this thing, this art, interesting, or well created, or intelligent?" You aren't always right because you thought the thing you thought, you cocky fucking bastard. Sometimes things aren't terrible simply because you thought they were terrible on first inspection. It's much smarter to ferret out the good in something than to tear it apart and shit all over it. That's something even dogs can do! And they're super dumb!

Oh, sure! Now the dog lovers are all up in arms! But you know, in comparison to a lot of creatures, dogs are pretty fucking dumb. If you taught your little brother the kinds of things you taught your dog, nobody would be impressed by your little brother's intelligence. They would just think he's a fucking idiot for doing everything you tell him to do. Give me an animal with a sense of fucking dignity! Like a raccoon!

So now you're going to argue with me about how a filthy animal that digs in the trash has any dignity?! Sheesh! Maybe if you invited the raccoon in for tea, you'd see just how much dignity one has. Have you ever thought to do that? No? Well, fuck you then! You don't know what you're talking about! Raccoons are quite dapper and dignified when invited round for tea and biscuits.

This comic book is take itself too literally.

In this comic book, the poetry of Shade the Changing Man, Rac Shade, appears in rainbow colored Narration Boxes. The Narration Boxes of Shade the Changing Girl, Loma, are in blue. Then there are pink Narration Boxes that belong to somebody else. They appeared last issue but I just assumed they were also Shade's. That was a bad assumption because you know what they say about assumptions? I thought I knew but I can only make the word ass and u and mptions out of that, so I guess I was wrong about what they say. Anyway, the pink Narration Boxes belong to a third person. Possibly Megan who was pushed out of her own body? Or maybe it's some aspect of Loma that's left in her Metan body still in the Area of Madness. There's a moment this issue where a pink comet is zooming past a sun and moon in space thinking, "What. Where. Why. Wow." See? It's probably Megan. Just like some aspect of Troy Grenzer remained when Shade took his body, Megan's consciousness is still out there and still somehow attached to her body.

Shade walks into school for the first time since she came out of her coma and she quickly realizes everybody at the school hates or fears her. Why do I suddenly have the urge to croak "Corn Nuts?" and over enunciate the word "eskimo"?

Meanwhile on Meta, Mellu is investigating the Case of the Stolen Madness Vest although it hardly matters. Whoever took it probably put it on (they did!) and their body is now slowly decomposing in the Area of Madness (it is! Probably!).

Shade discovers the library at high school, much to the chagrin of a small girl. It's probably Teacup, right? It's been so long since I read Issue #1 that I don't remember if Teacup made an appearance before Megan drowned while doing a shitload of ecstasy. Anyway, it's obvious that Megan never showed an interest in the library before, and this tiny girl (Teacup, right?!) used to hide out here from the mean girls.

Ugh! Don't read Yeats! I can't bear to read a character who picks up a book of Yeats poetry and understands it without any outside sources or further reading! But if she is going to get into Yeats, please at least let her read something other than "The Second Coming"! Yeats wrote way more poems than just that one!

Heather's Numbers Two through Four come in search of Teacup in the library. But Teacup hides from them, as does Shade. But she can't help herself from engaging in a little Madness. Probably because she doesn't have any real control over it. Maybe it's her Madness Nemesis! Shade the Changing Man had the American Scream. Maybe Shade the Changing Girl has the American Teen!

I can name all of the books, plays, and poems these are from! The whale is obviously from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, the one-eyed thingy is from Lady Chatterley's Lover, the hand holding the skull is from Harry Potter and the Skull of Squicking, the letter A is from Dr. Seuss's ABC, the raven is from The Sandman, and the cat is from Garfield.

Shade thinks that maybe Teacup was her friend but Teacup is terrified of her. So she makes a big scene in the library and some guy named River is all, "I'd heard you were all about the drama. But do you mind having it somewhere else?" Right?! Libraries should totally be drama-free zones! And anybody who ever makes a scene or an uproar or a loud sneeze in a library should be banned for life. Libraries should have no tolerance policies for shenanigans! Although I did once masturbate in the stairwell of the library at Portland State University, so obviously I only mean that if the person gets caught they should be banned for life!

I almost certainly, probably, never did that thing I just said I did. So gross! Besides, I was barely eighteen! Possibly even still seventeen! I was too young to cope with the freedom of college! Besides, nobody ever specifically sat me down and said, "Do not masturbate in public stairwells."

Anyway, River is Shade's neighbor. He never knew Megan so Shade feels like maybe she can safely become a friend of his. He might not be thinking the same thing but I bet he gets pulled into her madness anyway. Especially because his name is River and that's got to be symbolic for something soon!

Meanwhile, the pink girl in space with the pink Narration Boxes makes an appearance. So, see, that's another character or something!

Shade goes home to watch old timey television and ponder how she's going to figure out who Megan was and how to make her better. Then it's time for the back-up comic!

The back-up comic book isn't worth reading. It's all in-your-face about how change is a good thing and not changing is a bad thing which totally ends with a sex joke. I think. I don't know. I stopped paying attention to narratives that feel like clubs to the back of the head.

The Ranking!
No change! I'm not infatuated with this book but I'm still intrigued and enjoying it. So that's a review, right?

Supergirl: Being Super: Book One

Ugh! A comic book about a girl?! Gross!

I'm only pretending to not like comic books with girls in them because I don't want people thinking I'm less of a man for not reading comics full of men with lots of muscles. You know the kind of man I'm talking about! The kind who would rather see the world destroyed than see a woman leading the team to save the day. You know! The kind of man who would rather build a killer magic deck than talk to a woman he knows isn't interested in getting naked with him. Come on! I know you know the kind of man I'm talking about! The kind that always vaguely smells of farts and Arby's. They're the keepers of the male dominated everything and have the fortitude to stick to their guns, no matter how detrimental those guns are definitely going to be to their future sex life. Not that women are only in the world for men to have sex with! What I mean is that if a guy thinks women are only in the world for men to have sex with, that man isn't going to have sex with any of them. It's a self-denying prophecy!

No, but seriously. Did I use that segue correctly? I want everybody to know that I was just joshing in that previous paragraph. Just a little light humor between friends and possibly future Internet lovers. I can't really grasp the reason to feel threatened by female characters taking the lead roles in action movies and science fiction and other previously male-dominated genres. How does it affect a person's life in any way at all? When I was in elementary school, two of my favorite series were the Oz books and Ramona Quimby books. It never even occurred to me that I somehow couldn't or shouldn't identify with Dorothy or Ramona because I was a boy. Obviously I read way more books with male leads in them because there were more of those. I couldn't know what those characters, being female, meant to girls who had a scarcity of female leads in books that didn't get people tittering about periods and boobies. And that's my point. More female leads in fantastic stories is in no way taking anything away from guys. But it is adding value to the world for young girls. The only reason to be an angry asshole about it is that you are probably, inherently, an angry asshole.

Plus I'd rather watch Felicity Jones for two hours than Mark Hamill. Sorry, Mark. That's not being sexist! That's just me being true to my heterosexuality! I'm allowed to discuss my interests even when they align with the patriarchy's agenda! I'm allowed to watch a movie and go, "Le sigh!"

Supergirl's story begins with a page talking about how to begin the story. My high school English teacher would have read this in front of the class and humiliated Mariko for it. He was always all, "Just begin your fucking story! Don't call attention to beginning your story. Just fucking begin it! If you feel you have to mention the beginning in some sense to get going, just cut out the beginning nonsense when you're finished! You fucking idiots!" Then he'd kick a desk or two just to show that he really meant what he was saying. I don't know if he was right or not. I just know I never begin stories by talking about how I'm beginning the story because I'm too scared to.

This is the second page of the story. It's a perfectly acceptable place to start! Although the first page did show a spaceship crashing in a field. Maybe that was needed for anybody who picked this up thinking, "I wonder who Supergirl is and where she came from?!" Of course if they're that ignorant of Superman and Supergirl, the crashing spaceship scenes aren't going to clear anything up for them.

This Book is also called "Where Do I Begin?", so I guess the whole "Where do I start?" question is thematic to the entire piece. I think Mr. Borror might have been okay with the opening of this comic. But just this once!

I've always thought that when people write things about how they don't know what to write because they feel they need to write something, they may as well not be writing anything at all. If all you have to say is, "I don't know what to say!", maybe that's a sign that you should stop thinking of yourself as a writer.

Kara Danvers (Supergirl!) has two friends: the Athlete and the Dyke. I suppose she's the Nerd. They're most of the way to their own Breakfast Club already!

That's not sexist at all! Like I said earlier, people have a right to desire the things they desire without being told they're wrong for desiring them! Jerko Athlete!

Being sexually attracted to a specific group of people doesn't make you sexist against those people. Of course, treating them as if all they have to offer is relief to your aching secret body parts is probably sexist. There are probably other reasons people are sexist but I wouldn't know what they are because my Wisdom score is like 4. I put all of my Attribute Points into Shaming Men Who Play Magic the Gathering. One of the flaws I took to get more attribute points was "Male who plays Magic the Gathering." It wasn't the best decision.

Kara's birthday is coming up. It'll probably be the birthday when she becomes a woman. A super woman! A super woman called Supergirl! Hmm, that probably makes more sense than it seems to. I bet whoever dates Supergirl must feel really awkward telling other people. "Oh, I'm totally talking with this chick named Supergirl. Um, but she's a woman! A grown ass woman! I mean, a teenaged woman but, you know, I mean, she's not like eleven! You know what? We're breaking up. Never mind."

Kara has been wondering where she's from lately because it fits the theme of this story. She knows she arrived on Earth in a pod and that she can fly and that Jimmy in math (Second row back, fourth seat over) makes her belly float and that she's super strong but that's about it. I guess she doesn't even know Silver Banshee yet. Unless Dolly Granger (the Dyke!) is going to become Silver Banshee.

"Moooooooom! Gross!"

The morning of Kara's sixteenth birthday party, she squeezes a Kryptonian zit and almost destroys her house. Now I'm wondering what happened the first time Kal-el had a wet dream. He could have killed somebody in the next room!

Kara's hands also begin to glow and she gets a fever and she feels tired. I think she really is becoming a woman. Don't females go through some kind of menopause at this age? I don't mean the old person menopause where the meno gets put on pause. I mean it's the start of the meno but it could be called menopause as well because you don't just press the pause button to pause a show; you press the pause button to get it going again! I once had that revelation while on LSD and it was, well, a revelation! It wasn't quite as spectacular the next day. I also thought triangles explained everything but I couldn't remember the logic behind it the next day. Taking hallucinogens doesn't make you smarter or more spiritual or wiser. But they sure are entertaining!

Later at the big track meet, an earthquake hits and Dolly almost dies by falling in one of those huge cracks that opens up whenever an earthquake hits. I'm from California so I can confirm that's totally true. I've fallen in like five or six dozen over the years. Comic books really exaggerate them though and make it seem like you fall all the way to hell. Usually you just fall into the sewer and get bitten by a rat or two.

After Kara saves Dolly without exposing her ability to do super feats, she begins looking for her other friend, Jen. Jen is knocked down by the stampeding parents and it looks like she's about to fall in a crack too when the issue ends. It would be just like Jen, the character who knows exactly what she wants from life and the talent to get it, to die so that Kara Danvers can learn a lesson about how random and chaotic everything is and how nobody should ever bother pursuing their dreams because life is a futile attempt to attain any sort of lasting happiness.

Or Kara will, like, save the day and shit. Whatever.

The Ranking!
I'm not going to say Kara and her friends are super adorable in this comic book because that would be sexist and reductive. But I will say, "Oh my god they're so fucking cute with their teenage problems and high school friendships!" That's okay to say, right?

Dark Knight Universe Presents: Strange Adventures #1

What kind of a shitty alternate universe is this if Hawkman is still alive? Zero stars.

I would pay good money to read a pornographic comic book drawn by Frank Miller. I would also pay good money to make everybody listen to me read it as I scream, "OH GROSS! THAT CAN'T BE WHAT A VAGINA LOOKS LIKE, CAN IT?! AND WHY IS THAT PENIS SO MUSCULAR?!"

For those of you who don't understand things unless they're completely explained to you (and then still don't believe them because you first thought something else and will never stop believing your own assumptions and instincts over mere facts and authorial explanations), I'm not saying vaginas are ugly. I love vaginas. They are beautiful and terrific and if anybody wants to introduce me to one, let me know. The joke is that Frank Miller's art is terrible and if he drew a vagina, I imagine it would look monstrous. Now everybody who instantly thought I was saying vaginas are ugly should look deep inside themselves and admit that they don't know everything instantly and their deconstruction of every statement they come across is probably distorted by their own issues and worldview.

The Hawkcouple are flying over the desert where they come across Hal Jordan wandering like a Bedouin. Unless Bedouins don't wander at all and he's just dressed like one. Unless Bedouins don't dress like that. Maybe I should never have mentioned Bedouins at all since I'm almost completely ignorant of them and their culture and their sexual proclivities.

Speaking of sexual proclivities, these two are into some really weird ass stuff.

This Hawkman and Hawkwoman are brother and sister. They might still be a Hawkcouple so I'm not going to go back and correct myself. Until I know for sure that they aren't fucking and spraying diarrhea farts into each other's faces, I'm sticking to my guns.

Hawkbrother doesn't wear a shirt so neither does Hawksister. Now that's equality. I'm all for other people's sisters not wearing shirts. But mine should always wear a shirt. Two shirts even.

The Hawkcouple are just in this comic book long enough to point out that they shouldn't be in this comic book. Then they fly off leaving Hal Jordan to search for his ring alone. Except that they come back to help him when he steals his ring from the new owner! So I guess they should have been in this comic book. It's just weird that they're all, "We can't help him!" Then they're all, "We need to help him!" So, you know, they help Hal Jordan recover his hand with the ring on it. He also winds up getting a light construct Batmite as a sidekick for some reason. It probably makes sense if you're as old as Frank Miller.

The Ranking!
The tile of this comic book was Strange Adventures and it was definitely a strange adventure so I should judge it accordingly. It definitely did what it set out to do! Also, I think I saw one of Hawksister's nipples.

DK III: The Master Race #7

Batman died last issue so, of course, here he is on the cover! It is called D(ic)K III for a reason! Nobody is buying it for just Superman.

I spent way too long making the following terrible Photoshop so I'm sticking it here or I'll feel like it was all wasted effort. I know, in the heart of my brain, that it absolutely was a waste of time and energy. But if I put it on the Internet, it means I'm doing something useful! That sentiment might be the exact opposite of the entire reason behind the following Photoshop. I am a failure.

"The only way to win is not to play."

Some people think the Internet has created a level of toxicity in our daily interactions that is quickly killing the humanity in all of us. But I think the Internet isn't the problem. The problem is access. People now have unlimited access to everybody else and they think that expressing their poorly thought out and bland opinions (generally in a hateful and disgusting manner) directly at somebody who also expressed a poorly thought out and bland opinion is a good idea. A better idea is to not engage with other people at all. Take my blog for instance (which just got a great review today: "this is THE MOST STUPID THINGS I'VE EVER READ." Note the critic ends that all-caps statement with a period. The critic probably decided an exclamation point would show that he or she invested too much emotion in another person's ideas. And that is tantamount to admitting fault to an insurance adjuster). If you think I've expressed piece of shit opinions, the best option is to move along and never read another word I write. I suppose if you generally like reading my idiocy but occasionally wince at some tossed off comment (probably about tossing off), you might think, "I should let Tess know that Tess just crossed over an imaginary boundary that I've created in my head which I don't think anybody should cross, and I'm going to try to get Tess to adhere to my standards with a comment." If you ever do think that, you should probably just move along. Your boundaries aren't a universal mandate that everybody needs to respect to be considered an upstanding person. Your boundaries are your own to manage and you should not expect everyone (hell, you shouldn't expect anyone) to respect them. Your concerns aren't my concerns.

And here's the problem with instant and total access. When I write something, in whatever context, I'm not directing them at anyone. I'm not seeking out any single person to tell them what I think. But when somebody responds to a person on the Internet, they do so as if the initial post was the start of some kind of dialogue, and then act accordingly. They speak directly to the person who wrote the thing that upset them, as if that person had come into their house and shit on their rug. But that isn't what happened. They just wrote a thing for whoever finds it to read and, if they didn't like it, to probably move on and never read again. But most people can't resist that instant access the Internet gives us. They have to comment as if their participation were an expected part of the original post. Even people who agree oftentimes post unbearable things that are just restatements of the original post, just less subtly expressed.

I know "Do not feed the trolls" is a common expression but nobody actually listens to it. Everybody is so desperate to add their opinion to the cacophony of the Internet that they can't be bothered to see the wisdom in not participating. When people say somebody or something is toxic, they don't mean you should wade into the funk of toxins to fix it. It's a carefully chosen term. The more you are exposed to a toxin, the worse you feel. You can't consume toxins to destroy them. You just need to avoid them. When you argue on Twitter or Tumblr or Facebook with somebody who you think truly shouldn't be allowed to exist, you aren't helping to save the world. You're simply destroying yourself.

Although I guess if I'm going to use a toxin analogy, I should admit that cleaning up a toxic environment should be the ideal goal. But that makes my analogy more complicated and people don't use analogies because they actually want to speak intelligently on a topic. You use analogies when you want to obfuscate the actual problem and try to pretend it's simple in a way that makes your argument so obvious that the people who still disagree must be total fucking idiots living in ramshackle huts made out of their own fetid opinions!

This digression was brought to you by noticing some Pepe the Frog motherfucker on Twitter reveling in all of the attention he gets from people who despise him. It was not brought on by the Tumblr Anon criticism which I didn't think was a negative criticism anyway. I totally agree that what I write is THE MOST STUPID THINGS! It's what I'm usually going for!

Well that belief must have gotten extremely complicated after finding out where Clark was really from. Ha ha! Not really! It's easy to come up with reasons to explain away any doubt about the belief you truly want to believe in, no matter how little evidence there is.

Superman once read a medical book super fast and then performed surgery on somebody to save them so I think he can figure out a way to save Batman. Unless this series is only supposed to be seven issues long and then it's okay if Bruce Wayne dies. But I'm not buying Issue #8 if Bruce Wayne isn't in it.

Batgirl who used to be Robin but is still Carrie Kelly learns that Batman didn't survive. So she falls to her knees and cries in the morning light. She also probably gets the first really good glimpse at the purple and green colors of her costume and thinks, "I never realized Batman was color blind."

As Superman flies Batman's cooling corpse to wherever it can be uncorpsed, he passes over Hal Jordan in a desert. Hal Jordan is missing his right hand. I bet it was bitten off by a Parallaxodile. At the same time, The Atom is sitting on an atom (not a real atom but the way we pretend atoms look to make them comprehensible to our stupid monkey brains) and thinking about science. I guess these two guys will play a part in the big finale that had better include Batman.

Meanwhile, the Kandorians are massing in the clouds to plan their next attack. The leader's big idea is to kidnap Superman's son from the Amazons. Let me get this straight! The Kandorians just got their asses kicked by one Kryptonian, a girl in a horrid costume, and an old man in a suit of armor, and their next course of action is to attack hundreds of Amazons to steal Superman's baby? Why don't they all just inject Kryptonite directly into their brains and be done with it quickly?

Superman tosses Bruce's corpse into a Lazarus Pit and Bruce returns to life. But he's probably come back wrong! You reap what you sow, Superman! YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW!

Also, the Kandorians attack the Amazons as Lara tries to kidnap her brother. Wonder Woman stops her because there aren't any more pages for a war this issue.

The Ranking!
-1 Ranking! This comic book is really kind of boring. It's too bad because Alternate Universe comic books have so much leeway to be as exciting and different and crazy as possible. You'd think they'd be full of entertaining ideas. Instead, this issue simply has Batman tossed in a dirty old pool, Commissioner Batgirl questioning if it's worth being a superhero without any real arguments for or against, and Hal Jordan who must now be wearing his empty ring on his penis. Oh wait! He still has his second hand. He's probably wearing it there. Unless it's on a chain around his neck or in the belly of the Parallaxodile.

Justice League vs. Suicide Squad #2

Why is the title full of glory holes?

This issue begins with Amanda Waller screaming, "Suicide Squad! You will do as I say!" I guess they just caught her not going on dangerous missions and they were all, "Why do we have to do them but you don't?!" And she's all, "Do as I say! Not as I do!" Which, when you're a stupid teenager, sounds like the most bullshit reasoning in the whole fucking entire world. But you need to understand where this comes from. If, say, a parent tells you to wash your dishes after you eat but you don't because you notice your parents never get right to their washing up either, you might think that's fair. But as a parent, you know you can leave shit lying around the house for as long as you want because you're eventually going to have to deal with your own shit. But when your kid does it, you know your kid is never again going to get to it and it's either berate them constantly until they scream about how much they hate you and possibly break the dish, or just fucking do it yourself. If you don't see the difference, you're probably a shitty teenager. Oh, and in the case of a parent who smokes who tells their kids not to smoke or drink? Why the fuck do you think they do those things and possibly heroin too? It's because of you, you little ingrate! You can smoke and drink and shoot up as much as you want once you bring a miserable little child into your life to completely destroy all of your hopes and dreams. But up until that moment, your parents are trying to keep you in a position where you fucking care about your future! They know they have none so they can tell you to do what they say and not what they do. They're talking from experience and you should listen because the best kind of experience comes from people who completely blew it. And you better believe your parents are some of those people. Why else would they have had you?

That shot of Waller is the first page. The second and third page are basically a repeat of the big double splash page from last issue when the Suicide Squad first clashes with the Justice League. It's just from a different angle to fool the reader into thinking the fight has progressed. I know the fight hasn't progressed at all because Captain Boomerang is still standing against The Flash. That fight should end at the one or two second mark. Shortly after that, Harley Quinn should fall. Then Deadshot. Then El Diablo. Then Killer Frost. Then Enchantress. And finally, Aquaman. Then the cover of issue three will be like Crisis on Infinite Earths #7 with all of the heroes attending the funeral of Aquaman. In the middle of the shot will be Superman dropping Arthur into a giant toilet bowl.

Why isn't Batman fighting Boomerang?

Deadshot's big plan to defeat the Justice League is to split up. He thinks that by splitting up the Justice League, the Suicide Squad will be able to defeat them. But, really, what difference will it make? It's not like anybody was backing up Batman while Deadshot was battling him. It's not like Wonder Woman needed help against Harley Quinn, or The Flash can't take down Captain Boomerang if the other League members aren't moving so slowly behind him that they're practically statues. Although it will mean nobody will be able to come to Aquaman's rescue. And I think Killer Frost might be able to take Cyborg since all she has to do is freeze the circuits on his White Noise Cannon and he'll be powerless. And when is the last time Superman defeated somebody who uses magic? So I guess Deadshot's plan is half right.

Meanwhile in the Swiss Alps, Maxwell Lord is trying to convince his Super Duper Suicide Squad that they're not being mind controlled into helping him even though he's mind controlling them into helping him. Lobo is all, "How do we know you're not manipulating us with your power?" And Max is all, "Because I'm too busy dealing with this bloody nose! Duh!" Luckily for Max Lord, nobody in comic books know about psychic nosebleeds.

Max dangles the carrot of killing Amanda Waller in front of the cosmic monsters he's assembled. Apparently they hate Amanda so much that they'd rather do what Max says than go their own way, accomplishing their own goals and fulfilling their own desires. I guess Amanda Waller was responsible for putting these villains away in The Catacombs. Why else would they hate her? Just because they've heard she's the biggest jerk in the DC Universe?

The battle begins and the first conflict is between Superman and Enchantress. I called this one for Enchantress and, so far, she's beating Superman. Because he's too nice and she uses magic. Pretty much what I said last commentary.

The second encounter is between Cyborg and Killer Frost. I said this match-up didn't matter but, if I'd been serious, I would have given the match to Killer Frost. Once again, a female villain uses her sexy girl wiles to manipulate the man and get the upper hand. I don't mean that "once again" as in "all female villains always do this and here we go again!" I meant that the Enchantress did that to Superman and now Killer Frost just did it to Cyborg. The encounters are so similar that I wouldn't have put them on facing pages.

The third encounter is between the Green Lanterns and El Diablo. Here's what I said last commentary: "Simon Baz encloses El Diablo in an airtight bubble and extinguishes his flame."

Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! Okay, fine. Even a Novice Comic Book Reader could have predicted this match-up. That doesn't take away my accomplishment!

I knew The Flash should win in a matter of seconds but I couldn't help predicting the old "missed me" returning boomerang shot to the head. I guess that doesn't work against The Flash who has probably seen it at least five dozen times before. He defeats Boomerang without even laying a finger on him.

The next conflict is between Killer Croc and Aquaman. I said who cares about this one and I meant it. Who fucking cares?

Batman is shot twice in the chest by Deadshot in their fight but he's got Bruce Wayne money to make the most advanced bulletproofing available. I mean, maybe not as good as Deathstork's Icon suit but it's still pretty good. Batman knocks out Deadshot in one punch after that. I guess Amanda Waller is going to have to blow the heads off all of the Squad members before they rat her out. Unless Rick Flag is arriving in some kind of Anti-Justice League Mechamonster.

Wonder Woman defeats Harley Quinn after the prerequisite pages of Harley acting crazy funny. Not that Williamson knows how to write funny but you can tell, as a reader, that he's trying. It's all we can ask for. Not that we'd get anything more if we asked for it which is why we should probably only ask that he try.

But all of the fighting doesn't matter because Waller has one big move that's the entire plan. Enchantress knocks Superman into the ground because, you know, magic! While he's down, Waller commands Killer Frost to absorb his energy because it's almost as good as absorbing Firestorm's Slash Fiction Energy. When she takes it, her powers explode all over the place and everybody on the beach is frozen. The Justice League has been defeated! Mostly because Waller is smarter than Batman. Or is she?! I bet Batman wanted to be caught so he could get his chance at stopping Waller directly!

The entire Justice League has now been caught by Waller and imprisoned in special cells that keep them from accessing their powers. How do the cells work? Well, there's the red sun in Superman's cell and then there's...well, it doesn't matter! The only thing you need to know about comic books is that when a plot point needs it, a hero's powers can be rendered useless! It's just a thing you have to accept if you're a comic book reader.

The Ranking!
No change. Isn't this exciting, folks?! It's just like a blockbuster movie! And by that I mean it's bland and predictable but full of punches and other punches! Plus, did you catch the scene with Lobo in it? That was pretty awesome, right? Fucking Lobo! Not Twat Lobo! Hell no! Real Deal Lobo! Right in this comic book! Man, I've got such a boner right now!

Death of Hawkman #3

I hope these two guys discuss archaeology for most of this book.

I hope Andreyko decides to surprise everybody and kill off Hawkman three issues early! The story would still have to deal with the aftermath of Hawkman's death and Adam Strange would have to overcome crazy odds to win (because he's, you know, just stupid Adam Strange. All he has is a laser pistol. Although it's better than a mace, I guess?). The only reason I can think to not kill Hawkman this issue is that it's the only reason most of us are probably reading this series. As soon as Hawkman dies, I'll be satisfied with the story.

Adam Strange is having trouble dealing with killing people. He's not used to being in actual wars where lives are at stake. The only thing he's good at is banging his students. He's apparently so manly that he nearly vomits seeing Katar's penis. Unless Thanagarians have disgusting looking genitals. That's probably a better explanation.

Seeing Katar's penis was where the flashback left off last issue. The story continues from there which is a shame because Hawkman is definitely not going to be dying in a flashback.

Aha! Strange is definitely intrigued by Katar's nakedness!

The woman who bedded Hawkman is named Seraphene so if I knew anything about DC Comics, I'd probably know how she's super important now or something. The only Seraphene I can think of is one of those Forever People. But I don't think she's white or blonde or into fucking Hawkmen.

Katar and Adam realize Despero is behind the attempt to set Rann and Thanagar on a path to war. But they're no match for Despero! They're only C-List members of Justice League Canada. What can they do to save two worlds from destroying each other?

Seraphene might not be as important as I thought she'd be. She's just a plot point so that the security forces on Thanagar would know where to find Adam Strange when the report goes out that he's wanted.

Cyborg is able to confirm that Despero is no longer in Belle Reve. Well, maybe somebody should have placed him in The Catacombs underneath Death Valley! That's where the truly dangerous cosmic villains are supposed to be held. I guess The Catacombs didn't actually exist at the time. Or maybe Batman forgot to tell Justice League Canada about the prison.

Before Hawkman and Adam Strange can begin their pursuit of Despero (without any help because, as usual, the rest of the League is "on a mission." And nobody cares if Cyborg joins them. It's going to take a lot more than a White Noise Cannon to stop Despero), some Thanagarian security guards arrive to beat the shit out of Adam Strange.

Back on his home planet, Despero kills the priests maintaining the stasis pods of everyone on Kalador. He then frees them and convinces them to be his army to take over some other planets. I hear Rann and Thanagar are particularly nice this time of the galactic cycle. I mean, I don't know where they're actually headed but Hawkman and Adam Strange are headed to Kalador, so maybe they'll run into each other along the way.

Meanwhile, Alanna is acting like an asshole. Maybe she's only now realizing Adam Strange's abuse of power and manipulation of trust in forming a relationship with one of his students. Or student aides. Nearly the same thing.

The Ranking!
No change. DC Comics has decided that all of their mini-series need to be six issues long. But none of their writers seem to be able to come up with a six issue long story. So the pacing is generally all over the place as they try to stretch what little story they have over 120 pages. This issue is absolutely a filler issue. Everything that happened this issue could easily have taken place in a couple pages at the end of last issue and maybe a couple pages at the beginning of the next issue. And I'm sure both of those issues have some pages they could have tossed out.