The Flash #49

Who was shitting themselves on the original version of this cover?

Rating: -1 Ranking.

Enough, DC. Just fucking enough with everybody being suspicious of heroes. You've got this sick obsession with trying to bring in real world problems and suspicions into what is a complete fantasy setting. Readers will willingly believe that people trust the heroes simply because they're heroes. It's way more believable than everybody blaming the heroes for disasters that obviously weren't caused by the heroes but some asshole reporter like Iris or Lois had to question because they had Pulitzers in their eyes.

Vendettia and Jensen, you guys realize what you're asking the reader to believe, right? Everybody trusts known criminals and violent thugs more than they trust the city's greatest hero who has never done anything but save the city time and time again. Okay, he's also spent a few years battling various evil versions of himself so that the timeline wouldn't get scr...you know what? I don't want to remember that bullshit. I'm forgetting those awful stories right now. I'm also not willing to keep reading superhero comic books where the hero has become demonized by the populace, government, and media. So get this shit straightened out by Issue #50 or I'm done with this crap.

That probably isn't much of a threat because when my attention is turned toward The Flash comic book, I'm usually saying really awful things about it. DC would probably rather I just dropped this book altogether. You know, in a fantasy world where DC Comics even knows I exist or I had any kind of power at all to get people to stop reading stupid fucking books.

On the plus side, I didn't have to look at Brett Booth art. Not that the art in this issue did anything for me. But at least I didn't see one character whose legs were five times longer than their torso.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #26

I guess these twins are named Sandals, Left and Right?

Rating: No change.

This comic book will probably never be worth reading until Eddie Berganza is fired. I suppose that will never happen because nobody ever seems to lose their job in comic books. They're only ever driven away from the mainstream comic books because of shit people like Eddie Berganza. And since shit people are the only ones to stick around, they hire all of their shit friends who don't know that they're all a bunch of shit.

Just to be clear, I'm not calling the current creative team on Superman Loves Wonder Woman shit. These are people I know can do a good job if left to do their own thing. But when they caught up in Eddie Berganza's Shit Hurricane of Suck, what are they going to do? I suppose they're just going to finish writing this shit story and hopefully they'll get a chance to write something that isn't tied into all of these stupid ideas the shit editors of the Superman books keep coming up with.

Superman #49

I'm sort of hoping the K-chemo kills Superman this issue.

Rating: No change.

Superman kills Metallo in this issue. Just rips out his heart and kills him. Takes one life to save the lives of many. I hope every issue of Batman Loves Superman will now be twenty pages of Batman muttering "murderer" under his breath. Because Batman would have found another way! He wouldn't have let sentimentality turn him into a murderer the way Superman just did in this issue!

I'm mostly joking about the whole Superman killed a guy thing although it's true. Even in this kind of situation, Batman is so stuck on his claim that he's not a killer that he would have waited for Metallo to die of natural causes before taking his kryptonite heart. And by then, Vandal would have enslaved the entire planet. But at least Batman could continue to claim he'd never killed anybody. Technically, that is! Because I'm fairly certain sitting around waiting for somebody to die without doing anything to try to save their lives isn't really any better than murder.

This issue would have been better if Metallo's cock were made out of kryptonite.

Grayson #17

What the fuck is Dick allergic to and why then would he smear it all over his lips? No wait. I just realized what the answer is. I just got it. Totally makes sense.

Rating: No change.

Guest stars aplenty this issue: Frankenstein, Grifter, Maxwell Lord, Rubber of the Japanese Metal Men. It's enough to make comic book fans read that list and go, "Enh." More likely they'd say "meh" but I refuse to use that term because it's the rudest response and everybody who uses it knows it. It's merely said to point out that the person the "meh" is directed at has made no point or comment worth reading ever. I'd rather somebody respond to something I write with "You're a fucking cunt."

I also can't stand when somebody responds to somebody with a response that the person previously mentioned they can't stand. So go ahead and respond to this in that way. You're only hurting yourself by being funny in the way 99% of people are funny. It's the equivalent of seeing somebody mopping a floor at the store and then pretending to slip. You're an idiot.

Hmm. This is a lousy review, isn't it? Since I'm on the internet and I'm supposed to be writing about Dick Grayson, I feel like I should be way more passionate about it. I should make gifs of me jerking off while watching Young Justice. I should write in-depth essays on the psychosexual growth of his character from Batman's sidekick to leader of the Teen Titans to Nightwing on his own to super spy. I should litter this thing with footnotes and stolen images simply to prove that I'm a huge fan and I have something important to say about him that only a true fan would figure out. I feel like I should change my URL to fuckyeahdickgrayson except that (and every variation on it) is already taken by people yearning to prove that they are the biggest Dick Grayson fan at the expense of every other good thing in their lives.

Here's my super analytical piece concerning Grayson: his name is an anagram for R Gay Son. That probably won't make it into his Wikipedia page, will it

Speaking of Wikipedia, I have a feeling that I would never be able to be friends with anybody who spends a lot of time updating the site. Just read the discussion on whether or not Dick should be referred to as "Dick Grayson" or "Richard John Grayson" in the article if you want to instantly hate two people whom you've never met.

The Coming of the Supermen #1

This book sounds filthy.

Is this a joke comic book? Was Neal Adams purposefully hired to write a Superman comic book that reads like a low budget porn? As opposed to a high budget porn which is only a theoretical thought experiment. I'm not simply asking this question because the title causes every immature person reading comic books (i.e., all of them) to glance over at the place where their friend would be if they had one and titter like a moron. I'm asking because the Parademons invade by saying to "Hit it hard for Darkseid!" And Lois Lane, looking like she's got both of her hands halfway up inside of her, screams, "Something big is emerging from that so-called 'boom tube'". It's little turns of phrase that I might ignore if the comic book hadn't been called "The Coming of the Supermen" like when Lois asks "Did they come in ships?" and I spit fizzy water all over the comic book (because I'm a comic book reader and thus immature).

The title is spelled out with semen.

I see Tony Bedard helped with the script but didn't get a credit on the cover so maybe he decided to undermine the entire project with his filthy sex talk. Neal Adams is from a time when nobody raised an eyebrow when Batman was given a sidekick named Dick so of course he didn't notice how disgusting Bedard was making his Superman story.

Lois, dressed as if Dan Jurgens designed her outfit and did her hair, begins the story by reminding everybody how she broke the story of Superman because she's the fucking greatest. And now she's breaking a new story about more Supermen coming to Earth. It makes her so wet that she begins masturbating on camera as she reports Parademons invading the backdoor of Lex Tower (which looks like a huge cock and balls). Kalibak is leading the invasion so don't be surprised if I insert a yawn or two into my commentary as I go along.

*YAWN*

Just practicing! I'm not bored yet! I'm still sort of turned on by Lois's look as she reported Apokolips's penetration of Lex's stronghold.

Yes, Lois, yes! Rub it right out of existence, you horny bitch!

Before I get too far away from that part where I basically called Neal Adams an old man, I want to apologize. He's doing the art so there's nobody else to blame for the sexual imagery he's laying down in conjunction with the ribald dialogue. For example, the picture of Lois losing her uterus while watching things emerge from a huge tube. Another example--which I'm not scanning because I'm sure you all have a copy of this comic book beside you since you were at the comic book store and were all, "Oh look! Superman in his red underwear! Suck it, New 52!"--is when Kalibak lands and ejaculates all over Lexcorps' security guards with the power axe emerging from his crotch. It even makes the same sound as a penis ejaculating after weeks of withholding its sticky treasure: CHOOOM!

This shit is fucking filthy. Who do I write to at DC to complain about this not being written earlier?

The new Supermen arrive to fuck Kalibak (I'm guessing based on the tone of the comic book so far!). Every single one of the new Supermen look exactly like the kind of porn actor hired to do porn versions of Hollywood movies simply because they kind of, vaguely, look like the star of the original movie while also having a fat cock. Lois continues to report the action live as her vagina steams up the camera's lens.

Lois is all, "These men may be wearing Superman's uniform and delivering pizza and have huge fucking bulges but they're no Superman! Where is the King of Krypton, the Prince of Pussy Pleasing, the Master of Mutual Masturbation? Well, people at home watching this broadcast because you love the way my tits look in a suit and not for the reason you should be watching this which is because I'm the best fucking reporter this world has ever seen, Superman was last seen somewhere in the Middle East! I'd be more specific but since I'm mostly broadcasting to Americans, why confuse you all by mentioning countries you've never heard of?"

Superman is currently laughing about a puppy about to get the shit blown out of it in that Middle Eastern location that really doesn't need to be any more specific than that because the readers get what that means, right? "Middle East." It's what a certain percentage of my family members on Facebook would refer to as a "non-Christian shithole". Well, if anybody would know anything about Christian shitholes, it's them! Superman only decides to save the puppy when the puppy's boy is in danger. I know it's been said before and I really hate repeating what everybody and their no-love-from-Superman dog has said but Superman really is a dick.

Superman doesn't like to get political so he flat out lies to this kid. "Oh silly Rafi! War is everywhere and it's only because a few people want it. Huge swathes of Americans aren't constantly saying how this area should be turned into glass, no matter what you've heard or is actually true! I mean, some people don't even have a dog and you're complaining about losing everything else? Stop being such a jerk, Rafi!"

A huge demon appears to tell Superman to adopt Rafi and his dog. I think the demon might be a certain prophet but having never seen an artist's depiction of him, I can't be sure. The dog's name is Isa which is Jesus in Islam which probably means something but I'm getting distracted by possible religious themes in what is almost certainly a porn parody. Somebody else can write about the end times religious shit going down here.

You're getting a little too on the nose with your religious commentary, Adams. How about talking about the Supermen coming some more? Loads and loads more!

Superman asks the demon his name while mockingly referring to him as Mister "Messenger" so I think I was probably right about the demon being Neal Adams' depiction of Muhammad (you know, the Messenger of Allah). Rafi says of this messenger, "I know he looks scary, Superman, but he does not feel scary." If anybody else is interested in a reading of The Coming of the Supermen's religious undertones, go find some other critic that wants to sound smart. I'm getting back into all of the porn stuff as soon as Superman heads back to Metropolis. And I hope I don't get Neal Adams in trouble for suggesting that he drew a caricature of Muhammad! That's just my silly and questionably intelligent opinion.

She means they don't quite fill the red underwear.

It's nice to see that in the DC Youniverse, nobody in the media is afraid of causing widespread panic by showing people the truth of what's happening in their world. An attack by Apokolips? Oh, no big deal. That just means big ratings for Lois Lane as she somehow gets cameras on the scene showing every angle while also interviewing Lex live at the scene and using the entire event for self-promotion. I'm sure nobody in Metropolis is terrified that they're all likely to die in yet another invasion. At least this one seems centered around Lex Luthor so maybe now everybody will come out against Lex and blame him for making Metropolis unsafe.

Clark Kent leaves Rafi and Isa with Jimmy Olsen as he goes to help stop Kalibak's raid on Lex Luthor's back door. Superman chases off Kalibak and the Parademons. Before he can speak with the other Supermen, he's taken on a "journey of the mind" by his Middle Eastern Demon Friend, Mu. They head back ten thousand years into the past to spy on the ancient Egyptians. I guess this is going to be some Ancient Aliens bullshit now. Nobody has done anything vaguely pornographic for some pages now! I'm really becoming disappointed (i.e., flaccid).

In Ancient Egypt, Superman learns that the Egyptians followed a different god of which no evidence exists because fucking anthropologists must suck. His name is Yuga Khan! But that's all the demon can reveal because he has limits on what he can tell Superman. The limits make no sense because it's easier to write a mystery with a shackled guide. "I can only tell you enough to keep the reader interested but not tell you everything so you can save the world! At least not until we've raked in all the cash. That'll happen around Issue Five. People still around for Issue Five will probably stick around for Issue Six so we can over-explain the mysteries then."

The Coming of Supermen #1 Rating: 24 out of 50-something. I hate a lot of things about comic books. But one thing I sort of love about comic books is when old school writers come back and write a comic book that's more like current comic books but retain much of the old school feel. Len Wein is doing that in Swamp Thing and Neal Adams captures some of that here. It has the look and feel of a story from the Silver Age but without all of the fucked up nonsensical written-to-children craziness you might find in those older books. Okay, it's got some of that. But in a modern way that makes it less eye-rollery and more nostalgia-massagery. It gets a little silly but that's because Adams isn't taking it too seriously which is a failing of many modern superhero writers. Like the Supermen who are coming. They're played as kind of idiotic but in an innocent way and not in a way that makes them the butt of the joke (yet!). I don't think I want all of my Superman comic books to have this tone but there's definitely room for one or two like this (especially since a quarter of DC's books star Superman). Although this story takes place in the eighties, right? So that's fucking weird!

Justice League 3001 #9

This cover is for a story that was never told.

Rating: No change.

I don't have something to say about everything. Sometimes things happen in front of me and I don't even think wickedly funny smartass things at all! Sometimes I just keep going about my business singing the Spider-man cartoon theme in my head and avoiding all eye contact. What I'm trying to prepare you for is this: I have nothing to say about this comic book.

At least nothing interesting or complimentary! Ha ha! That was a twist! What I have to say is that I'm underwhelmed by this comic book. I like Batgirl but everybody else are just chocolate frosting spattered water color imitations of the characters they used to be. I would make more sense if I had something interesting to say!

Next issue, Keith and J.M. are bringing back Larfleeze because I guess there were some Larfleeze jokes that they didn't get to repeat ten whole times.

Cyborg #8

It annoys me when a comic book company green lights a cover of a comic book that could have been drawn by me.

Rating: Probably -1 Ranking even though I haven't opened the cover yet. I have feelings about this book. Rather, I have nearly no feelings about it and will probably be thoroughly bored while reading it.

Remember when a man stalked and killed a young man named Trayvon Martin and we all decided that we were fine with people believing the man was within his rights and should be allowed to go free while we, angry and upset, did nothing more than write comments like this online and pretend like we were fed up with it even though we've continually just did nothing more than be angry since then? Apparently this incident happened exactly four years ago today even though I only discovered that when I consulted Lord Google to make sure I was spelling Trayvon's name correctly because that would be embarrassing if I got that wrong and there's nothing worse in America than being embarrassed on the internet. I guess my body has an internal rage alarm clock. Good thing something is acknowledging the rage since I'm too busy reading comic books to try and make the world a better place.

Cyborg and Captain Marvel (Fuck calling Billy "Shazam" when he's got his Man Pants on) beat up on a guy named Zookeeper who would be lucky to wind up dying on the Suicide Squad. The jokes they make at his expense continue the same tired trend of this comic book where Cyborg believes he's wittier than he really is. He keeps saying he's a genius and that might be true in that he can do a really complicated math problem or build a super computer that turns farts into fuel. But he's terrible at cracking wise at other people's expense.

His father Silas Stone must be the same kind of genius because he rebuilt his son out of alien technology and yet at breakfast he asks his son to pass the syrup while he's holding the syrup bottle.

This is why dumb people think smart people are so dumb! Because not smart people write smart characters but can't write them in a way that's smart because the writer isn't smart enough to write a convincing smart person! Also dumb people always invent all sorts of caveats to what "smart" actually means. So if they don't know anything and are completely ignorant of even the smallest scientific facts (like, you know, an American), they claim that at least they have common sense and street smarts unlike smart people who are sooooooo stupid when it comes to doing everything that isn't answering questions on Jeopardy. Or what about those insecure people who have to label a bunch of different ways for a person to be smart so they can find a category to fit into? "Well, I'm smart at organizing books on shelves! Genius at it, even! Oops, I shat myself!"

The worst thing about being the smartest person on the internet is that nobody believes me!

It's not even a good joke since half the creatures are reptiles or amphibians!

The narrative of the story keeps jumping back in time so after Cyborg makes that hilarious joke about the situation being hairy, the scene jumps back to 59 days previous to an "undisclosed location." Why would nobody disclose the location to the omniscient narrator? You'd think at least the narrator would know where every scene was taking place. This just feels like lazy editing! The editor has decided they don't want to take a stand and declare some new organization's location in the DC Youniverse. Which totally makes sense since nobody even knows what state Gotham is in.

The secret facility is where Cyborg's real enemies are gathered. They're congressmen and lawmakers who want to pass laws limiting people's access to cybernetics because a black man owns some. It's not the cybernetics that make them feel unsafe. It's the fact that a black man owns more than they do! So time to pass a law declaring them illegal! At least for certain people. You know what certain people I mean.

Let me translate this for the dumb people who accidentally stumbled upon my blog and haven't been offended enough to stop reading yet! "Technology that only a few elite people understand" means "science and math is hard to understand and the people who understand it are assholes who think they're so much better than me because I can't even figure out which way to put a Pop Tart into the toaster." "Unregulated forays into dangerous territories" means "facts that are demonstrably true but which I can't understand because I just learned that Kit Kats shouldn't be shoved up my anus." Things which "can be easily compromised and turned against humanity" means "minorities can use them against us!"

The guy with the eyepatch (an indicator of bad guyness unless his name is Snake Plissken and then he's a double bad guy bluff good guy. Maybe it depends which eye the eyepatch is on) doesn't understand what Senator Champlin is saying so he says Senator Champlin isn't saying anything. That's a total dumb guy tactic! You know how when a really smart person zings a dumb guy, the dumb guy thinks he'll really get one over on the smart guy by pretending not to understand the zinger which only makes the dumb guy look dumber but he's too dumb to realize it so he keeps using that tactic.

Oh Billy. That's the joke Cyborg was making. You didn't make the joke you just made it less subtle. Not that it was subtle in the first place. And since that's the case, Cyborg is complimenting his own joke.

I'm glad David Walker constantly has other characters pointing out that somebody is making a joke or saying something funny or I would have missed every fucking joke since this comic book began. So far in this issue alone (I can't remember how often he did it in the other issues but I've pointed it out before), there's been the one I just scanned, the time Captain Marvel repeated one of Cyborg's jokes and said it was hilarious, Zookeeper screaming that he's not a joke, Cyborg's dad pointing out Cyborg's ability to keep telling jokes in the face of disaster, and the Zookeeper screaming at Cyborg to stop making jokes. I'd complain that David Walker doesn't need to keep reminding us when things are funny but since none of these moments have actually been funny, he'd better keep it up before I take this thing too seriously.

Your penis, right? You're going to show him your penis! Let me know now if I should laugh at it!

The issue ends with the government's goons going after Cyborg because he didn't properly register his cybernetics with them. Fucking government! Always trying to take away the black man's teeth! Like in that Rudolph Christmas special where Santa defangs the Abominable Snowman and puts him in chains. Bumble, my ass. I know what Cornelius really means when he calls it a Bumble. You can't snow me with your "white truths", you fucking Snowman!

Cyborg #9 Rating: No change. I know I put the rating at the beginning and pre-rated the comic book but that was because I didn't realize this was going to turn into an actual commentary. It was less boring than previous issues of Cyborg although David Walker seriously needs to put a cap on how many times somebody points out that something was a joke. It takes up about 25 percent of the dialogue in this thing!