Frankenstein, Agent of SHADE #13

Why is the Doctor so interested in Frank's crotch?

Frankenstein is a big dead corpse thing and yet The Rot has no power over him. That means the best way to defeat The Rot is to reanimate it and make it undead with its own consciousness so that it begins to love romantic poetry and hate mean things. I think the next best way to defeat The Rot is to simply eat it or feed it to worms and then put The Rot worm poo in your garden. Which, technically, is still sort of eating it.

Frankenstein is still in the Leviathan's Graveyard deep beneath the sea when Father Time begins pleading with him for help. SHADE Headquarters is falling apart around Father Time for some reason. Maybe it flew into the blades of a fan. Frankenstein doesn't seem too terribly interested in helping Father Time at the moment. How many times does Frankenstein have to realize he's been manipulated, abused, or betrayed by SHADE before he just fucking walks away like his wife did? Sadist's Hegemony Affects Dead Egos.

Father Time's communication is suddenly cut off and the army of ex-SHADE employees gathered around Frankenstein begin morphing into Rotlings. And then Frankenstein's father returns.

I guess Frank didn't know his own strength. He did kill Victor back in the Amazon.

Victor tells his story of being a corpse on the banks of the Amazon. He became food for both plants and animals. To his dead mind, this became a struggle to between The Red and The Green fighting for his allegiance. Instead of being a good decaying morsel, he rebelled against providing sustenance to these two weak kingdoms. Instead he aligned with The Rot because he's just one of those guys who wants to see the world burp. Err. Something like that.

Why keep the Soulgrinder? Because it is a weapon that can be used against The Rot like I surmised?

Victor ends his talk with Frank with this: "I could tear the world down around you! And leave you alone on this Earth!" See?! Just like I said with that burp thing! This also means Frank must be wandering around Rotworld like Mad Max except with no children's tribe to find or man in a plane or gas hoarding jerk-faces or private dancer Thunderdome owners. Just himself and a bunch of disfigured, recently dead super heroes.

Frankenstein and Khalis and Nina from the Black Lagoon and the last surviving SHADE ex-employees escape the Graveyard via the newly resurrected Leviathan (thanks to Khalis!). After escaping, Frankenstein is carried away by a flock of condors singing something about their mother being proud of them. Seems the condors are agents of The Red and they need a new hero since Animal Man has just disappeared. They figure why not go with the guy who is somehow immune to The Rot! They drop him in Metropolis to fight The Rot infection going on there.

In Metropolis, Frank fights The Rot for a few pages before running into Velcoro, the Vampire Kid.

Ignoring all of the times I guess at plot points and am wrong, I'm 100% at guessing plot points!

Velcoro's final news for Frankenstein before the issue ends is that Victor destroyed The Ant Farm and everybody within it. This comic kind of throws a wrench in the Buddy and Alec's Rotworld is some kind of simulation. Except Frank must now somehow be involved in that simulation or else the rest of the New 52's comics would all revolve around dead superheroes for the next few months instead of having big crisis crossovers of their own against The Joker and The Borg Lanterns and Bizarro. Or whoever the shirtless guy with the scarification Superman symbol on his chest is over in the pages of the Super-Family. I guess if I would read the fucking solicits like that Anonymous guy criticized me for not doing, I'd know! Fuck, why am I even reading the comics? I should just read the solicits! It'd be a lot cheaper and I'd know what's happening before all of those stupid jerks that merely read the comics each month to enjoy the story and be entertained and surprised!

Frankenstein Agent of S.H.A.D.E. #13 Rating: +1 Ranking. This issue fits seamlessly into Frank's current story. He's a natural to be part of this Rotworld thing. So far, two out of the four big crossover events are good: Rotworld and Death of the Family. The Third Army is just barely getting started even though it's had tons of build up. Unlike Death of the Family which came out of the gate at a fucking sprint. And I haven't read any of the Superman crossover event yet, so I can't judge that one accurately. Except two of the three writers on the crossover have yet to impress me, so I don't have high hopes for it.

Green Lantern Corps #13

Look at that smug look on Gardner's face. These are the only two Green Lanterns Earth needs right here.

That stupid Zero Issue is fucking with my ability to remember what was happening in this comic book! Let's see...the Alpha Lantern Corps was destroyed by one of their own members who then took his own life. So that threat is out of the way. And I guess Guy and John must have gone off to have a celebratory beer now that they have one less boss. Or nine less bosses. Or seven less bosses. I forget how many Alphas there were.

The first panel of Green Lantern Corps declares the action is happening in "Deep Space." That's odd! Usually a Green Lantern book will give a specific sector. Since the sectors radiate out from Oa in wedges in every direction, I don't imagine any piece of space in this universe is not part of a Sector. So where is this "Deep Space" place? Wherever it is, the Rokkite Miners are attacked and changed into Borg Lanterns. The Third Army is rising all over the place! I thought it had simply begun on Earth.

After three pages of that, a couple pages are spent on Xar already being broken out of the subcells on Oa! I thought they'd wait at least a half dozen issues before this guy came back.

Of course it's a mystery who released him. But he still hates Guy Gardner! As seen in Issue Zero, remember?!

Meanwhile, Guy Gardner is receiving his promotion from the Guardians of the Universe. These little guys should really just be called Guardians of the Guardians. They don't care what happens to the Universe. They just care if what happens will affect them in a positive or negative way. I doubt these little bastards have any concept of self-sacrifice. Perhaps they need a tour of Blue Beetle's grandmother's house so they can see a picture of Jesus and learn a little something about it. They promote Guy to the newly created position of Lantern Sentinel! Hey? Didn't Alan Scott eventually take the name Sentinel? Is that kind of what this is about? A little homage to the original? You know, the original that had nothing to do with the rest of this bureaucratic galactic police force crap?

The Guardians plan is already beginning to ruffle some feathers. I wish a bird Green Lantern had been in this shot!

The next piece of the Guardians plan is to split up Guy and John, sending them both on ridiculous missions. Guy and a few other recruits have to escort some ambassadors from Ronos back to Oa. And John's mission raises some questions.

So John killed a Green Lantern that was a planet. But the Alpha Corps didn't feel the need to execute him that time for killing a Green Lantern? I think they gave him the wrong message: It's okay to kill Green Lanterns to save the world! Why were they so surprised when he did it again?

Green Lantern Planet Mogo seems to be reforming. The Guardians want to send John to find the location of its reformation and to help restore it. John Stewart jumps at the chance to put Mogo back together. Of course the Guardians want less Green Lanterns, not more. So this is obviously a trick to send John Stewart out into deep space and disappear him.

While Guy and his band of Green Lanterns are escorting the ambassadors across space, Guy receives a call from Voz, the keeper of the Subcells.

Voz: "Hey Guy. How are things going? Say, um, you remember your training days?"
Guy: "How can I forget! It was a bloodbath!"
Voz: "Well, your class is having a reunion."
Guy: "But Voz, I'm the only one left!
Voz: "Technically, there was one more guy there that day."
Guy: "Oh fuck. Xar escaped!?"
Voz: "Yeah. Don't you wish you'd used a secret identity now?"

Guy is worried that Xar is going to head to Earth and begin killing people he cares about like his sister and his brother but maybe not his father. So he takes a few of the other Green Lanterns and heads to Earth, leaving the Ambassador to sputter and turn red.

The Guardians contact Guy and tell him to get the fuck back to his post. But Guy ignores them just like they knew he would.

Well, except that one time that you left old what's-his-name alive. You remember that time? Way back in the Zero Issue?

Surprise! The Guardians let Xar out of the Subcells! What a twist! The real question is why do the Guardians want these ambassadors killed. Perhaps they want to start a war so that their new Third Army can sweep out of the black and save the day, proving that the Guardians are super geniuses and full of foresight.

Guy and his group are attacked by the Borg Lanterns on the way to Earth. They quickly assimilate Vandor (the Green Lantern that had been with John when John killed Kirrt) by pulling him apart and reshaping his body into a three fingered, mouthless, brain showing mess. The other Green Lantern's rings don't seem to have any effect on these guys. Probably because they were made out of the flesh of the First Lantern and Oans. I think. I might be remembering it wrong.

Green Lantern Corps #13 Rating: No change. I'm not finding any of this Third Army stuff exciting yet. How are they going to protect the universe? Simply by assimilating every living being into their army? I guess that'll work.

Lyle's Study Guide for the Literal Interpretation of The Bible for Dumb Dumbs

Lyle's Study Guide by Grunion Guy


Just a note that I've started another Tumblr to house my Bible commentary. Really looking for people to participate in the Drawing Time section. Get out your crayons, mother fuckers!


Oh wait. Is that appropriate to use the term "mother fuckers" when speaking about Bible reading? Fuck it! I don't remember a commandment against it! Unless that one about respecting your mother and father covers that. Oops!

Grifter #13

Why the fuck is Liefeld's name on the cover of this comic book? Who the fuck is trying to give me a stroke?!

I don't know if Liefeld's name on the cover is just another cover mistake made by the perpetually stupid editors at DC Comics or Liefeld has earned a byline on this comic because it's still dealing with some of his story elements while Frank Tieri continues to do the dialogue. The inside credits are the same as the cover, so I have a feeling Liefeld's stink is still clinging to this piece of crap comic book.

Perhaps I should quit blaming Liefeld for this comic book sucking seal tits. Grifter's narration box was just as annoying when Edmondson was writing it as when Liefeld and Tieri were. And according to my friend Doom Bunny who owns the first three issues of WildC.A.T.S. debut, Grifter's narration was just as annoying as it is now. So perhaps I should be blaming Brandon Choi.

Holy fuck I really should! I just looked up Brandon Choi's wikipedia page and it shows that he wrote Fantastic Four for a few months while Jim Lee did the art. And what great company was Choi in on that title? Before Choi took over the book, Tom DeFalco was writing it. After Brandon Choi left, Scott Lobdell got on board. Now that's a comic book I'll never be interested in reading.

Grifter #13 begins with Grifter climbing across the outside of Stormwatch Headquarters, The Eye of the Storm. I don't know what kind of mission he's on but I'm pretty sure someone else would have been a better choice. Somebody who could fly perhaps? Or had super strength or invulnerability. Perhaps even someone who'd been bitten by a radioactive spider. But a guy that can shoot guns with his mind? It just seems like his skill set is wasted here.

"A space suit? No! Don't worry about it! It's in Hyperspace. You can wear your normal clothes. And the respirator fits snugly right over your face rag."

Being Grifter, he's Narration Boxing the whole time. But he's just going over his Bucket List so that he can drop the big twist surprise line that climbing the side of a space station wasn't on it!

Marat Mychaels really has been spending far too much time being Liefeld's back-up. He nailed this panel. You know, if he wanted the reader to think Grifter was jerking off on the outside of The Eye of the Storm.

Before Grifter lets himself in to the headquarters of the ultra-secret Stormwatch that it seems everyone in DC Continuity has now heard about (that'll happen when you lose Martian Manhunter and The Projectionist), he thinks back to how this mission started. Warick has now gotten in touch with Grifter so that Grifter can have a trusted guide to pull his plots together and maintain some kind of coherence in this comic. I don't know where Deathblow went. Perhaps he disappeared into whatever plot blackhole Buck vanished into.

Apparently Warick screams everything.

Helspont seemingly killed all of the Daemonites so Grifter doesn't see any need to worry. But Warick points out that the agencies that allowed the Daemonites to exist in the first place are Grifter's real threat. Warick wants Grifter to expose them all by hacking into their systems. And while Grifter is at it, he needs to erase all traces of Cole's existence. But that'll never work! Nothing secret in DC is ever secret if it serves a particular writer's plot point. Like now! Warick thinks Cole should break into STAR Labs since it would be the easiest of the agencies. But since Grifter gained a ton of information when he touched that piece of The Eye of the Storm during his fight with Midnighter, he knows a better place to get information. Which takes him to climbing on the satellite. The next few pages should explain how Grifter penetrated hyperspace.

And they do! Mercy! Grifter broke into STAR Labs with Voodoo because they had a machine that could shove him into hyperspace.

Pris now wants to be called Voodoo. But you can always tell who's who. Pris is the one with the brown crossed eyes.

Back in real comic book time, Grifter has made his way on board The Eye of the Storm and is searching for some place he can interface with it. I know he already interfaced all over the side of it earlier but now he needs to hack into the systems. The onboard Daemonite personality (I believe Stormwatch was calling it Charlie) is getting all Shodan-like on Grifter's pathetic meat and bone creatureness. Grifter just smarts off at the machine like he does with everyone. I think he might have intimacy problems.

All of my Grifter commentaries should be composed of simply this single panel.

Charlie the Daemonite Space Station decides to alert Stormwatch to their little problem. This time Apollo gets to fight with Grifter.

There might be some homosexual subtext here.

Grifter stuns Apollo with some kind of Neuroblaster and then begins to download all the files Stormwatch has on Amanda Waller. She isn't a super hero or a cosmic threat but I can believe that Stormwatch has files on everybody. So he's getting Amanda's file so that he can gain access to Amanda's files on everybody. Unless he's simply using the Stormwatch computer to grab Amanda's files! That makes the most sense! And then Grifter wouldn't need to appear in the pages of Suicide Squad.

While downloading, Midnighter shows up. Hopefully Grifter has Voodoo waiting back at STAR Labs to pull him out with the teleporter or Grifter won't be surviving this second encounter with Midnighter. You know, he shouldn't have survived the first encounter either!

Or maybe he will survive and actually beat Midnighter down.

Just wait until you're in the pages of Stormwatch, Grifter! Then we'll see how well you do against them!

No matter how many times Grifter's creative teams tell me that Grifter is a super bad ass chosen one, I just can't believe it. You can't have a world where Stormwatch is the most lethal group in the universe and takes care of the really crazy over-the-top cosmic threats and then simply use them to show how powerful somebody else's character is when he beats them up. Grifter is not capable of this shit! And yes, at this point, my judgment is completely biased! But that's what happens when a character is poorly written for a full year.

Grifter messes up his closing remarks after defeating Stormwatch's big guns. He says, "If there is a next time" but he never had a line where he said "Next time." You don't beat up the most lethal team in the DCnU and then fuck up your witty exit line! He's probably kicking himself for that at the other end of his teleport escape. Unless Midnighter is doing that for him since Midnighter hopped in the teleporter to follow Grifter down. Isn't that a little dangerous? I think we're going to have a Brundlefly moment next issue.

Grifter #13 Rating: No change. I almost considered giving this a +1 since it's possibly the most readable issue of the series so far. It makes cohesive sense. It strings a lot of past events together. And it's putting Grifter on track to build an actual story instead of random encounters with Daemonites and Chosen One bullshit. But the reason I couldn't give it a +1 was the art.

The art throughout is horrible. Mychaels use of space within panels is horrendous. His characters are generally making faces that don't match with what they're saying. The character's bodies are regularly misshapen and deformed (look at Midnighter in Panel Two in that last scan!). And a large percentage of backgrounds are simply no color. Nothing. Just white. Marat Mychaels may just be my new Rob Liefeld! He seems to have a lot of the same technical problems but he does seem to be able to draw more poses than Liefeld was capable of. Maybe next issue I'll concentrate on bitching about his art!

P.S. In regards to the cover, does Apollo really shoot beams out of his eyes? Isn't he a fisting kind of guy?

Batgirl #13

Joker! What lovely hair!

Dearest Diary,

Okay! Finally I'm ready to talk about it! I'm all stitched up, the blood has been washed out of my underwear, and I've ordered a new Batgirl costume from the old blind lady down the street that sews S&M outfits for the local Gotham pervs. If anybody is reading this and judging me for judging other people's sexual behaviours, well, now I'm judging you for reading my secret diary and my secret thoughts! Besides, Besides, every kind of sex is both totally disgusting and so super hot to me right now because of my lonely virgin status. I almost lost it to Dick Grayson but I really couldn't handle having to refer to my first as "Dick" for the rest of my life.

Okay, so remember where I left off? That cucking funt had just stabbed me in the back while I was trying to save the poor, mutilated car thief. Fucking Nightfell! I'd had it up to here with her! Since you don't have any eyes, Diary, I'm stretching my hand up way over my head for emphasis. Or simply for the explanation of "here," I guess. Not emphasis at all! Pardon me!

I decided to play the nearly dying beautiful young girl to keep Nightfell off her toes. And besides, even bleeding all over the floor, I looked flippin' hot in my Batgirl suit! You know the best part about chasing after bad guys every night and swinging from roof to roof? You can eat all the ice cream and doughnuts you want and you still look sexilicious in your tight leather Batgirl outfit.

Anyway, my plan works like a charm! Nightfelon calls up her mate, Bonerbreaker, and turns her back on me. Little does she know my new best friend, Batwoman, has already taken care of Nightfell's homegirls. And I was just about to take care of her!

Oh yeah! I went for the knock out punch! It's what I do!

I gotta say: Nightfell can take a punch! So I had to kick her in the face as well. I was a little woozy from all of the blood loss so I'm sorry to say that my witticisms while kicking her flat ass weren't quite up to par. It was sort of embarrassing and I'm glad the only person around to see it was a not too smart himself car thief.

My punches and kicks weren't quite hard enough to shut her up though. Probably because I was almost dead! But I must have knocked the sense out of her because she all of a sudden began telling me her life story! Really? And she takes off her mask! I mean, really really?!

Okay, sue me. I was lying when I said she had a flat ass. It's actually kind of terrific.

OMFG! Is my life weird or what?! Yet again, I had found myself up against a bad gal whose life paralleled mine to a creepy degree! Why does this keep happening to me?! It's like someone is writing my life story and every month they want me to look deep within myself and learn to be proud of who I managed to become even with so many adverse things happening to me! I wonder if this crap would be happening to me if I hadn't become Batgirl? Like I'd start a job at Burger King and I'd find that the other cashier working my shift was a hot redhead who also came from a broken family with a creepy ass brother and a powerful dad. But her dad was the head of the mob or something! And we'd totally hit it off and become besties but pretty soon I'd catch her stealing from the till and all the cracks would suddenly show through about how truly different we were! And she'd hate me forever because I'd try to convince her not to do stupid stuff like that but she'd just be all, "Gah! Whatever!" And with those two words (or exclamations. Or noises. Or whatever!), I'd know our friendship was truly done and next shift she'd be standing their by the fry cook snickering and making fun of my hair.

Anyhoots, Nightfell ends her story saying that it was this guy she met that killed and ate her family! But she didn't tell anyone because she wanted to be sent to Arkham! WTF?! She wanted to learn how to be crazy! Shit, girl! You already crazy if you want to go to Arkham to learn to be crazy! Oh damn! I should have said that to her! Bah!

After she got out, she found her boyfriend and he was the other tortured guy in the cage with the car thief!

Eww! I can't believe she dated that guy!

Anyboobs, we get back to fighting after she spills her guts and I'm still spilling mine all over the frickin' floor. I'm wondering where the hell Batwoman is when Ricky the car thief manages to grab one of Knightfell's arms and pin her to the cell! And suddenly the advantage is mine! I beat her ass to a pulp, bitches!

Okay, so it wasn't exactly fair. But I was nearly dead! You can't judge me, Diary! I'll stab you, see how you like it! Yeah, I thought so!

Oh! And get this? After I came out on top? In strolls flippin' Batwoman and the jerk cop that keeps aiming that stupid gun in my face. Sheesh! Thanks for nothing! Although I must say: Batwoman sure knows how to make an entrance, the way she strolls into a room with her hair falling across her breasts just right and her uniform allowing just the right amount of jiggle in all the right places. Woo boy! The boys must go nuts for that! Although since they have nuts, she doesn't want any part of them. Ha ha! That was a testicle joke!

How do Bruce and Dick and Tim run around Gotham all night with those things packed way up tight in their little spandex suits? So uncomfortable!

So everything turns out all right except after Detective McKenna says she's Nightfell is under arrest, she just leaves her to go restart her super villain career. What the hell is up with that?! I was so dizzy, I thought maybe I wasn't really seeing things straight. But she just let her go! Now I have to worry about that psycho running around Gotham? Like there aren't enough of those, amirite?!

After I got home, that was when Alysia introduced me to her new cat, Alaska. But I already wrote about that in another entry. Remember? I said it was weird because I'd had a cat like that when I was younger until my looney pants brother murdered it? Hmm. Maybe this is a bad omen. But I can't tell Alysia to get rid of it! Besides, it's soooo-SOOOOO cute! Maybe I'll just call it Al.

Oh! I gotta go, Diary! That's the phone! Kisses!

Batgirl #13 Rating: +1 Ranking. I just adore reading Batgirl now. She's so sassy and fun! This issue ended on a three page bit where Knightfell's goons are off getting Batgirl's Reboot enemies out of prison. You know, like The Mirror and Gretel and The Grotesque. Because Knightfell is staring a Rogue's Gallery for Batgirl! Yay!

Batman #13

So do I scan all of these Death of the Family Issues with the Joker mask showing?

Or the real face?

If I scan them all with the Joker face, it'll get repetitive very quickly. Like in two issues! But if all the faces underneath are as simply as this Batman one, the Joker face wins out as much more dynamic and exciting. I also kind of like the different eyes that will show through the Joker mask. I'll probably just end up doing both every time. Who knows? I guess whatever mood I'm in when I read Batgirl #13 next.

I wish the Joker mask continued around the other side. Especially since it's October. I want to see dozens of people wearing paper Joker masks at all the parties this year. And then the one guy will show up with a mask made from real human skin and embarrass the hell out of all the other lazy losers.

The issue begins with Harvey and Gordon having a smoke on the roof of the precinct and chatting about the weird things that have been happening in Gotham lately. It's relaxed and foreboding all at the same time. Harvey is worried that the number of bad omens happening in Gotham right now will only make the press condemn the police more when the next bad thing happens simply because they should have seen it coming. Even though Jim knows this is probably true, there isn't a lot they can do about it. Currently Gordon is worried about trying to quit smoking. And of course while they're relaxing and speaking halfheartedly about whatever the omens portend, the portended pulls up at the police station in a white delivery van.

"Pick up for one clown face."

The Joker wanders about the police station terrorizing Gordon with his routine. The jokes part of his act was pretty scary but I think the fact that instead of punch lines he would just murder another cop was what horrified Gordon the most. It all happened in the dark, though, so Jim could only shine his flashlight randomly about the room and listen to all of The Joker's new material.

I made up this joke this week: "How many poltergeists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One but your ass hurts like hell afterward."

News travels fast around the Bat-Family. It's like a long lost uncle who would ruin every family gathering has suddenly returned for the next reunion and everybody is freaking out about what he's going to do to the potato salad. And it doesn't take long before everybody loses their appetites.

So Batman has plenty of time to stop the Joker since this first midnight deadline is sort of a soft deadline. You know. Because Mayor Hady is a piece of shit so it's okay if Joker kills him.

Joker is dropping so many clues to so many different things during his appearances that Batman's detective ability is faltering. He's getting all of The Joker's references and homages and double entendres. He's seen this act enough times that he knows it by heart. But Joker's changed his encore and Batman has no idea what it is.

This is why Batman keeps him alive. It's the challenge.

The calling card turns out to be yet another Joker Toxin that's already been delivered to the police assigned to watch over Mayor Hady. Joker always manages to poison people before he makes his first appearance. Perhaps that's why Gordon and Batman and the others get so stressed out when The Joker appears. Because it means people are already dead but they just don't know it yet. Seems to happen every time.

The calling card, by the way, Batman figures out is three non-essential, non-reactive ingredients in the Joker's new toxin. The initial letter of the three ingredients are A, C, and E. Ace Chemicals. Where The Red Hood became The Joker.

Batman meets up with The Red Hood inside the plant. Batman realizes pretty quickly that the person under the mask is not The Joker. The Red Hood tells Batman his plan. He's going to kill each and every member of the Bat Family because they're making Batman weak. I think it's because The Joker is jealous that Batman has so many new friends to play with. Whatever the case, Batman doesn't care for his family being threatened and he attacks. As he charges, a gigantic mallet swings down from the roof and knocks him in a vat. Well, well. Who do we know that likes oversized hammers?

Maybe I should have read Suicide Squad first to see how Harley gets out of Regulus's clutches.

While Batman is distracted and caught in a vat filling with chemicals in much the same way that one of the Adam West television episodes might have ended, Joker is busy putting his plan into action.

I guess this definitively answers the question if Joker knows Batman's identity. Unless he's just meaning to kill Bruce Wayne because he's Batman's financial support. Except that sort of ironic twist was just done in The Penguin story in Detective Comics. Again.

So Joker wants to turn Batman into a mean, pissed off, loner again. But why did he have his face cut off in the first place? Did he simply just want to turn his metaphorical clown mask into a literal clown mask? I'm sure Tony S. Daniel didn't have any real idea in mind when he had it happen so I'm expecting Snyder to use that moment to explain why the Joker has changed so dramatically.

The back-up story involves The Joker preparing Harley for her encounter with Batman. His jokes and teasing are more mean-spirited than his usual farcical attitude. He scares the hell out of Harley as he threatens to cut her face off too. But even though she's scared and frightened and abused and says she's not ready, she still accepts that it's going to happen. Of course it doesn't. He sticks the Red Hood on her and leaves her for Batman. It's this story that explains this panel:

I have a feeling The Joker is going to lose a lot of fans who thinks it's okay for him to be a murdering psychopath but treating your girl like this? Unacceptable, clown!

Batman #13 Rating: Still the top comic of The New 52. Come on, Snyder. Make a mistake already! Morrison and Azzarello want a chance at #1.

P.S. The DC Comics All Access section at the end of the comic is about the television show, Arrow. It begins thus: "It's an awesome time to be a Green Arrow fan!" Excuse me? Really? The first thirteen issues of Green Arrow sucked cosmic monkey poo, so I'm pretty sure being a Green Arrow fan is currently a really depressing thing to be. Although the show, Arrow, was much better than anything the Reboot has done with the character. Maybe I should just pretend the television show is the new comic.

Green Lantern #13

The Rise of the Borg Lanterns

I just typed that caption and I keep rereading it as The Rise of the Bong Lanterns. I've got a feeling that comic would be a pretty big hit with a very specific demographic. Hell, they probably already read this comic simply because it has "green" in the title. I bet at least 25 thousand bongs in America are named "Green Lantern."

Previously in Green Lantern and other comic books featuring Green Lantern, Hal Jordan quit the Justice League, Guy Gardner's ditched Justice League International, John Stewart was on the run, and Kyle Raynor was hanging out with Carol Ferris looking for Hal Jordan who, along with quitting the Justice League, disappeared into a black void with Sinestro. Amanda Waller and Barack Obama are having a meeting to discuss what they're going to do about the new Green Lantern, Simon Baz. He's suspected of terrorist acts and Obama wants Waller to notify the Justice League. But why the fuck tell Amanda Waller to notify the Justice League? Get on the fucking phone with Steve Trevor. Why the hell is Amanda Waller even speaking with the president? Is she the head of the Department of Defense? I thought she just ran her little secret group down in Belle Reve. Is she just trying to get permission to whack this new Green Lantern? Because that's really all her team does.

Simon Baz wakes up on a beach in Miami after having been busted out by the Green Lantern ring. The ring tries to give him the message from its last bearer but since the ring is essentially two rings merged into one, it can only give the two messages in a mixed up mangled form while continuing to say, "ERROR. ERROR." The gist of the message is to not trust the Guardians. Finally! A Green Lantern that gets the most important message of all right from the start!

Hey! Guess which comic book I'm not a big fan of? I've gone over multiple reasons why I don't like this not really Rebooted version of Green Lantern. At times, Geoff Johns can write some really funny or emotional moments. But he also has a way of letting six or seven pages in a row just kind of drift by without anything really happening. A comic book isn't like a television series or a movie where you can let certain scenes really develop slowly. A comic book has a mere twenty pages each month. If it takes Aquaman eight pages to swim around as the credits are slowly given or Green Lantern four pages to realize he's in Miami and then get to Dearborn, then that's a huge chunk of the comic book wasted for the reader. And if Johns is writing for the trade paperback, then fuck him. I'm not reading the fucking trade paperback. I'm reading the monthly and giving you the numbers to continue telling your Goddamned monthly story. Now give me a good chunk of fucking story already! I'm not eleven pages into the comic and I've had two pages of Waller and the president recap shit, two pages of Simon Baz remembering he's now Green Lantern, four pages of Green Lantern flying from Miami to Dearborn (one page with military guys discussing that he's been spotted), and three pages of Simon's sister having a tough time at work. If her treatment at work wasn't so unbelievable (granted, I have no experience living in a racist, backwards community), the scenes at her job would be the best part of the comic so far.

Man. I hate when I start reviewing this bullshit instead of dropping stupid comments on the action as I read.

"We're going to put you on unpaid leave because your brother was suspected of terrorism and we're just a bunch of scared, racist assholes. You understand, right?"

Sira goes outside to cry in an alley where she encounters her brother who is now all Green Lanterned out.

By the way, I seem to have gotten some facts wrong. Sira's husband Nazir isn't actually dead.

To be fair, they were saying things like "wasn't so lucky" and "now that he's gone" and shit indicating he was dead. I have a feeling he was going to be dead but then Johns thought up some grand plan for him and chose to make him brain dead.

Simon asks Sira for her help in figuring out who put the bomb on the van. She agrees to meet him later in one of their secret childhood hangouts. But after he leaves, she pulls out her cell phone, so she might be setting him up. For his own good, of course!

Meanwhile, the Borg Lanterns are creating more of their Third Army.

Finally a page that isn't just two people speaking with at other!

Page 1-2: Amanda Waller and Barack Obama.
Page 3-5: Simon Baz and the Green Lantern Ring.
Page 6: Two Miami Police Officers.
Page 7: Two Federal Agents.
Page 8-9: Sira and her father.
Page 10: Sira receiving dirty looks from everyone.
Page 11: Sira and her manager.
Page 12-14: Sira and Simon.
Page 15: Truck driver and hitchhiker.
Page 16: The panel I just scanned where the Hitchhiker and the Truck Driver are assimilated.

That might look like a lot of story must have been developing with all of those conversations going on, but I assure you there wasn't much plot movement. It might as well have been Aquaman fighting a shark for six pages.

Oh shit. The last word that the Third Army guys are speaking that begins the page after the above page I scanned? "Assimilate." Johns must have figured everyone would be calling these idiots the Borg Lanterns anyway.

The last few pages deal with Simon masking himself to become the figure on the cover of the book. And then going to meet his sister at their secret spot. Except she doesn't appear. Instead, he gets sucker punched in the face. If there were any reason for it at all, I'd guess that Supergirl had met him on the roof. But, of course, it's not her.

Oh, it's these assholes. Way to greet a brother, jerks.

Green Lantern #13 Rating: -1 Ranking. It feels like Geoff Johns wanted to Reboot Green Lantern and now his is how he's doing it. But he felt he needed more of a story to bridge the Preboot Green Lantern and the Reboot Green Lantern before he jumped into this story line. Nice that he had that option, right? As opposed to everyone else that just had to start over. But now I feel like this comic needs to get moving because it's twelve issues behind all of the rest!

And how about that Rise of the Third Army plot so far, hunh? Really making you feel like getting the next chapter of the story, right?!