Green Lantern Corps #12

I think a headline like this is simply flirting with the truth while actively oral sexing falsehoods. The Alpha Lanterns are barely a Corps. Maybe that's my own bias.

All hell broke loose last issue to the point where Guy Gardner and John Stewart thought it would be a good idea to activate a bunch of the Guardians' old Manhunters. Now the Manhunters have Voltroned up into a gigantic Manhunter which is about to destroy the Alpha Lanterns. And once the Alpha Lanterns are dead, the Manhunter will probably quietly go back into retirement without any fuss.

The fight continues in this issue which basically means a lot of panels filled with sound effects, funny green constructs, and an overabundance of green light flares.

And apparently a Green Lantern's vagina explodes. If you don't understand this, you haven't been reading my Supergirl commentaries. Shame.

Against overwhelming odds, the Alpha Lanterns win. They crawl inside the Manhunterstrosity and destroy it from the inside in the way that most giant monstrosities are destroyed. Afterward, they simply shut down all of the Green Lanterns' rings and arrest the entire corps for treason. So maybe the cover was alluding to the fall of the actual Green Lantern Corps! Who would've thought seven or eight Alpha Lanterns would win this battle? Oh, of course YOU did, you gigantic nerd. But I didn't!

Varix, the Alpha Lantern that was feeling unsure about turning on the Corps, recharges Guy Gardner's and John Stewart's rings so that they can save themselves from execution by the other Alphas.

I think this is technically gory.

Varix backs up Guy Gardner and John Stewart and in one huge blast, he kills the other Alpha Lanterns. I don't know how the Alpha Lanterns have so much power since this story arc is the first I've ever heard of them. Varix believes they were all corrupted by the power they were given (just like the Guardians are constantly corrupted too!). He had doubts about the way they were treating Stewart but he didn't speak up in time. Now, the Alpha Lanterns are dead and it's his fault. He killed another Lantern. He must pay with his life just as Stewart was convicted earlier by the Alpha Lanterns. He blows his own head off with his power ring.

I think this is technically not technically gory and simply gory.

And that was the end of the Alpha Lanterns! I'm sure the Guardians are off somewhere cheering. That's one threat to their new army down. Now to just get rid of the seven colored Lantern Corps and they'll be home free.

Oh look! There they are now! I would have guessed they would have been enjoying scotch and cupcakes cigars as well.

Green Lantern Corps #12 Rating: No change. Another month mostly concerned with the action and Gardner's attempt to rescue John. Which has worked but at the expense of seven or eight other lives. Was it worth it? Probably! I knew the Alpha Lanterns were jerks the moment they didn't use the door and broke through the roof of the bar to arrest John Stewart.

I also just noticed I didn't get my copy of Batman Incorporated #3 with my comics this week. Stupid comic shop.

Green Lantern #12

"The hills are alive...with the sounds of blackness!"

Hal Jordan and Sinestro have just recently crashed Black Hand's undead family reunion. They brought him a little present in The Book of the Black.

Tales told about dead people? This book must be exciting!

And now a story by Grunion Guy! (Applause)

The Tales of the Dead: Past. Present. Future. Unless that punctuation should be different.
By Grunion Guy

1,000,000 BCE: Ok lie in hole. Ok dead. Ok not move. Worms eat Ok. Tickle. Ok not think nothing. Ok dead. Ok not never believe in nothing before. Ok learn different! Ok not think this though because Ok dead. Ok hate Shaman Ack for lying about Sky Baker.

800 CE: Svenergin is taking a trip out to sea. "Oh, this is nice," is what Svenergin would have been thinking if he hadn't been dead. But he was dead. So he wasn't thinking anything. There really wasn't even a he there anymore. He was as "he-ish" as a mound of dirt or a pool of water. Svenergin was lucky he wasn't alive to enjoy the trip because he was also on fire.

1660 CE: James Goodfellow was lowered into a hole in the ground. It's a good thing he was dead because he would have been pretty upset to find out his pious life on earth had been wasted by denying himself the bounties of the material world. He probably would have been pretty angry instead of super happy and dancing in Heaven with Glory Windhom who died of the same fever earlier in the week. They probably would have done it if the preacher hadn't kept shouting at them on a nearly constant basis. It's a good thing he was dead.

3000 CE: Zapfirneous Ferolghan lie in a pile of ashes. He was disintegrated by a Stun Laser on the Disintegration Setting. He wasn't disappointed at all because his consciousness was just a side-effect of the evolution of the organic body that was distinct to himself. Eventually the pile of dust blew away when the wind blew because that's what has happened to dust for millenia when the wind blew.

There were many, many, many, many more stories of the Dead but they're all pretty much just variations on the above stories. The end!

Black Hand begins reading the book and judging by his reaction, it was written by Grunion Guy!

"I signed it! To Black Hand: Of my soul. Grunion Guy!"

The real reason Black Hand is upset is that every page of the book now repeats, over and over, "Hal Jordan is not your enemy." And it must be true since the page is also stamped by a Green Lantern Notary Public. If I were Hal Jordan, I would be a bit perturbed that my name was in the Book of the Black which tells the tales of the dead. I don't think Hal Jordan should be looking forward to the Green Lantern Annual.

To destroy a Black Lantern, it takes a blast from a Green Lantern combined with a blast from another color ring. I know that not because I read Blackest Night but because Hal Jordan thankfully decided to recap that plot point. He tries to get in contact with Carol Ferris since she has a Star Sapphire ring but she's busy lying to Amanda Waller.

According to her flag, this story takes place sometime before 1949. And in a dimension where the red stripe sits under the field of stars. The colorist and artist must be communists!

Hal knocks out Black Hand by frying his brain. But he'll heal eventually. In the meantime, they head outside to get better reception on Hal's ring so he can contact Carol. The yard outside Black Hand's house is filled with zombies. Oh, who cares! Fly away! Make a flame thrower. It doesn't really seem like a big deal.

Meanwhile on Oa, the Guardians of the Universe are finally preparing to unleash the Third Army. Their reasoning for needing a new army goes like this: every time the Guardians make a galactic police force, something invariably goes wrong and they need to make a new galactic police force. So they're now making a new galactic police force because they are fucking insane.

Actually, they believe the Green Lanterns failed because they needed the help of the other Lantern Corps to deal with the Black Lanterns. And those other Lantern Corps are pretty stupid ideas. The Guardians believe that the only things standing in their way are the Green Lanterns of Earth and Sinestro. But they also think that they've taken care of most of them. They still think Hal does not have a Green Lantern ring because they're so arrogant they don't have a fact checker. They think John Stewart is broken from the guilt of having killed a fellow Green Lantern. They think Guy is with them due to the obviously fake promotion they granted him. And they're going to let Ganthet deal with Kyle Rayner. These Guardians think if these Lanterns are destroyed, the Green Lantern Corps will fall apart. That's a pretty weak-willed Corps if they're going to give up simply because the Earth Green Lanterns are dealt with.

While the Guardians are discussing this, they're also traveling to the homeworld of the Indigo Lanterns which they located due to tracking Sinestro an issue or two ago.

Everyone who has ever written the Guardians of the Universe have always fallen back on "absolute power corrupts absolutely" as their describing characteristic. Why do they continuously have to fuck everyone? Why does everyone keep trusting them?!

Meanwhile back in Black Hand's yard, Green Lantern and Sinestro take my advice when they realize the zombies aren't Black Lanterns but merely puppets of Black Hand!

I don't know exactly how green light turns into fire but I've lived with the conceit my entire comic book reading life.

But once Black Hand regains unlife, the zombies become more of a threat. Not much more. While Hal and Sinestro are fighting outside, Black Hand consults the Book of the Black and asks who Hal Jordan is if he isn't the enemy. The book tells him, "Hal Jordan will be the greatest..." and then Black Hand flips the fuck out because he apparently was able to read the rest of that sentence.

Let's see. If this is a book that tells the tales of the dead, then my guess is Hal Jordan will be the greatest corpse the universe has ever seen! Or the greatest necrophiliac? The greatest mortician? The greatest crematest?

After battling the zombies for awhile, Hal Jordan takes my other advice! I'm a tactical genius!

I'd be a master at role-playing a Green Lantern!

For some reason, Hal and Sinestro can't destroy zombies with their Green Lantern rings when Black Hand regains consciousness and retakes control. They still need another color to help them. So Sinestro pulls his Yellow Lantern out of the pocket dimension he's attached it to (although his pocket dimension allows him to pull it from his headquarters and not from a planet dependent on its power that would end up hating him later because he took it away from them) and drops it amid the zombies. Together, Sinestro and Hal use the last of their rings' power to blow up the Yellow Lantern and destroy all of the zombies. But they collapse unconscious afterward and only Black Hand is left to stand over them and read his book.

Oh yeah! I guess I was close guessing Hal would be the greatest corpse.

Green Lantern #12 Rating: +1 Ranking. Heck, it foreshadows Hal's death! How can I not enjoy that? But what, exactly, does it take to be a great Black Lantern? What's the point of the Black Lanterns? What are they meant to do? What's their goal? What is it about Hal Jordan that will make him the best zombie ring bearer ever?

Batwoman #12

I think this cover is a metaphor about legitimate rape. And the justice Wonder Woman is going to stab all over the faces of the people who believe the ideas behind phrases like that.

I wasn't going to talk about it but since the picture brought up the whole legitimate rape thing, I guess I should say my piece. Besides, this is supposed to be a kind of memoir as well as my unfiltered thoughts as I read DC's New 52, so I should be discussing moments history and pop culture. So here are my thoughts on Todd Akins.

No, you know what? Fuck Todd Akins. People need to stop discussing Todd Akins and what he said and begin discussing the real problem. The real problem is that what Akins said is what the GOP believe! This has been a standard belief in the Republican Party for some time! They seriously think that women can't get pregnant during rape because of the trauma. Can they also not get pregnant during a full moon because of Werewolf pheremones? Wait, wait! I don't think you get how ignorant these people are yet. Let me give you another example.

The religious right believe that people can be possessed by demons and the devil but they don't believe women can get pregnant during a sexual assault. I really feel sorry for sane conservatives who simply believe in fiscal responsibility of the government and corporations! But fuck it! You want to swim with clowns, you're going to...well, I don't know how to end that analogy. I'm sure it has something to do with sharks in greasepaint.

Anyway, the real reason the GOP want this Todd Akins to drop from the race isn't because they think he's disgraced himself with something they don't believe (because they believe it!). They merely want him to drop from the race because he can't win the fucking race now which means another Goddamned liberal is going to end up in DC! Talk about rape!

But maybe this Batwoman cover is actually about something else. Batwoman being devoured by a woman in a mirror vomiting blood while snakes slither out and wrap around her body? Perhaps it's some kind of struggle with the way she sees herself. Although it's probably just because she's battling Medusa. You know? Mirror. Snakes. Gore. And Wonder Woman must be making a guest appearance.

I think this might be Wonder Woman's first actual guest appearance in a non-Wonder Woman comic book! I'm not including the comic books where she's simply a face in the Justice League. You know, I don't think Aquaman has made any cameos either! I could be wrong and I probably am since remembering things is difficult.

This issue begins with Batwoman still chasing after Urban Legends. Set side by side with her story is a story of Wonder Woman tackling Myths. And then the splash page is just really clever. Too bad I won't be able to scan the entire thing!

I just really like the parallel of the Urban Legends with the mythical creatures. Also the way the Bat Symbol merges with the Star.

Batwoman has come to an old abandoned house of mirrors to search for Bloody Mary (of course! I'm so stupid!). She has brought a Werewolf with her so that she can't get pregnant, I guess. Actually, the Werewolf is her tracker. He's the one that followed Mary's scent to this place. Mary has the ability to screw with people's minds when they look in the mirror, so Batwoman just concentrates on ignoring the reflections she sees. She also tries the Bloody Mary chant to see if she can summon her.

Really loving the art and the layouts here!

Wonder Woman's story mirrors Batwoman's. Wonder Woman is attacking a serpent worshiping cult that has been stealing children. It's synchronicity in its definitive form. I mean, it's not the coincidence form of synchronicity that most people think of when they use the term. It's the actual Jungian synchronicity. You know, the kind The Police sing about as opposed to the kind where you're thinking about your junior high school crush and then notice she's serving you at the Burger King drive-in. That's kind of like lesser synchronicity! Although still the same thing. You know what? Never mind. Forget I said anything about it!

Bloody Mary eventually crashes out of the mirror and attacks the Werewolf. I would think she would slip out of the mirror as if it weren't there but apparently she likes the drama of smashing into the bathroom's of little girls at slumber parties and scarring them for life.

Batwoman shatters Bloody Mary by shooting her. She then interrogates the shattered pieces but the only information they offer up is that Medusa is not a group but a woman. She's the Queen of the Monsters. Batwoman, who seems to be against killing, then steps on and smashes Bloody Mary to splinters. What if Bloody Mary is just a normal person who became a super villain instead of an actual ghost and urban legend? Did Kate just kill her? Maybe Batwoman has dealt with her before and understands that she'll simply re-materialize in another mirror at the next slumber party. Kate has some of the same misgivings after the fact but she's fairly certain that Maro's magic has caused Bloody Mary the urban legend to become real and that she wasn't an actual person the way Killer Croc was transformed. But if that's true about Bloody Mary, then a whole slew of little girls at slumber parties are now in for the worst shocks of their short lives.

Afterward, Kate Kane reports to Mister Bones of the DEO.

Mister Bones in his casual get-up. By the way, does he have a bionic left leg? Oh! I just remembered something, I think! Didn't get get it bitten off by some Shark enemy back in Infinity, Inc? Was that King Shark back then? Or someone else? Holy crap, I'm going to have to dig into the internet on this one.

Okay, it was Carcharo that bit off Mister Bones' leg. Another shark-like guy. I can't believe that memory came back just from seeing Bones with a fake leg. But, of course, this is The New 52! Mister Bones had to lose his leg some other way because it certainly wasn't due to his involvement in a team of super villains named Helix that fought against the sons and daughters of the heroes of DC's Golden Age! Sheesh. That's a lot of fucked up continuity simply because Mister Bones has a cybernetic leg!

Later, Kate Kane and Maggie Sawyer have a fight. Maggie is being crucified in the media because she's leading the investigation for the missing children and there have been no solid leads. And Kate needs to head out of Gotham to speak with Wonder Woman. But Maggie doesn't understand why she can't stay with her for comfort. She walks out on Kate until Kate can begin telling her the truth. Kate doesn't stop her because the only real way she can help Maggie is by finding the children and defeating Medusa. And for that, she needs Wonder Woman's help. Or Jason's. Or maybe even Bellerophon's.

Batwoman #12 Rating: +2 Ranking. A double move up the rankings to account for an intriguing story and a superior layout with beautiful art. I'd like to see more of this out of this comic book. If only Williams could continue to do the art for each month's issue.

Catwoman #12

Zelda Fitzgerald thought the last line of The Great Gatsby, "So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past", should have been, "Fuck it all. Let's party, motherfuckers."

Catwoman's plan to stake out Dollhouse last issue went completely and utterly tits up! That was a pun (utter/udder! Try to follow along!)! Also, it makes you think of Selina's boobs. Detective Alvarez was nabbed by Dollhouse but he left his phone with an App on it tracking a GPS on his person. So Catwoman can follow him to Dollhouse's hideout and maybe save his life and stop Dollhouse. She also has another plan though!

Batman responds quickly to the Pussy Signal.

So Catwoman's plan this month is the same as The Birds of Prey plan this month which was Superman's plan in Action Comics last month: Tell Batman. I'm pretty sure a shit load of other heroes used this same plan but I can't be arsed to think of them all this morning! I mean, seriously, it's probably the best plan in the DC Universe! He's be the first motherfucker I'd call.
By the way, I really like the way Batman looks in that last panel. Why are three unknown cops greeting Batman on the roof? Is Gordon still in the clutches of The Scarecrow? If he is, why isn't Batman still busy trying to rescue him? I wonder if I should keep track of all of the comic books Batman appears in each month. He's busier making appearances than Wolverine over in Marvel.

I haven't been reading any Marvel comics lately. Does Wolverine still guest star in a lot of books to sell more comics each month? Or have they found a new character for that illustrious marketing spot?

Meanwhile, Alvarez is having a discussion with Dollhouse about how CSI: Miami is based on real life and logic instead of formulaic stories and overwritten dialogue. He also seems to already be familiar with Dollhouse's Modus Operandi.

I'm pretty sure he shouldn't know that information. Why does he know that information?! I think he knows her from Dead HookerCon '12.

Catwoman shows up a moment after Alvarez is knocked unconscious again with another tranquilizer dart. Earlier, Catwoman noticed the smell at the scene where Dollhouse left a half dozen tranquilized sex workers. They had all soiled themselves. So I have to assume that Alvarez's pants are a complete mess at this point.

As Catwoman fights to stop Dollhouse, she's thrown into Dollhouse's building and sees all of the real life mannequins Dollhouse has created. She freaks out a tiny bit and wonders aloud what the hell is going on. Guess what? Dollhouse can't help but explain it to her! Good super villain! Good girl!

So Dollhouse is Mathilda who was the Sexy Nurse in the first Detective Comics story arc. I liked her old outfit better!

Selina plays a little cat and mouse with Mathilda to kill time until Batman arrives. He does and Mathilda makes a run for it. Alvarez and Batman save everyone and Catwoman disappears into the night. Batman figures she always gets away (plus he sees the bottom of her boot as she disappears out of a window) but she had been hit by three tranq darts and easily could have died while Batman assumed she got away. Oh, who am I kidding? Batman would have known if she needed his help or not! He's the Goddamned Batman!

There's about a four page epilogue after the Dollhouse caper ends. Gwen (Selina's friend and current fence) tried to get in contact with Selina earlier but Selina was busy chasing after Dollhouse. So Gwen needed to take care of some business herself since she knew Selina was too emotionally invested.

Yes, that's Sparks with his brains falling out. And Gwen with the smoking pistol.

Gwen received a tip (and proof) from The Penguin that Sparks was working with the police. Gwen has taken it upon herself to protect Selina as much as possible. But why would Penguin want to help? Well, a few issues ago during the Night of the Talons, Selina saved The Penguin's life and he mentioned he owed her a favor. I think he's thinking twice about owing Catwoman a favor and is looking for a way out of that deal without completely fucking up his reputation.

Catwoman #12 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm just glad Sparksies is dead! That guy was a buzzkill.

Birds of Prey #12

Since when did Starling start using six shooters? Hey, I'm all for it! Give her a cowboy hat, some spurs, and a pair of assless chaps while you're at it.

The Birds of Prey have become Poison Ivy's puppets and she's forcing them to save the world from corporations willing to ruin the environment to make as much money as they possibly can. Oh, and also to create jobs which is their most important reason for existing. Nobody goes into business and creates a successful company for the money! It's all about being a job creator. Never mind that the jobs created suck ass and the people who fill those jobs get treated like they can be replaced at any moment by a barely trained monkey. Here's a quote from The Book of the Thousand Nights and a Night (The Richard F Burton translation. Oh, by the way, I have a Tumblr about him!):

"Be not thou too open-handed with they troops, or they will be too rich to need thee; nor be thou niggardly with them, or they will murmur against thee. Give thy giving deliberately and confer thy favours advisedly; open thy hand to them in time of success and stint them not in time of distress."

The 99% movement is a direct result of decades of corporations forgetting the last three quarters of that quote. But they're still all too willing to keep up the first part. One of the reasons they've forgotten the last three quarters of this statement is because they've created an entire society around people wanting the things that will force them to remain in a shitty job. The American Dream is not a dream but an illusion. It is a actually a prison to force you to live for them. Want a house? You're going to need a mortgage which means you need a steady job or you'll lose it. You wants kids? You need a steady job to provide for them. You want all the trappings of a luxurious life? Car, internet, mobile phone, nice yard, good clothes, the ability to eat out regularly? Of course you do. Because that's what keeps things moving. And once you're in the debt cycle, they've got you. They can be as niggardly as they want because you have got to make the car payment. They never have to open their hand to you because you can be replaced. The only people they care about are the investors. Times of distress? Fuck you. Your job actually costs them too much. See you later!

Consider how old that quote is. Many centuries old and possibly a full millennium. Hell, maybe more. I'm supposed to be reading a comic book, not doing research on the origin of "The Tale of King Omar bin al-Nu'uman and his Sons Sharrkan and Zau al-Makan" from the 1001 Nights. But it's so simple and such an obvious way to manipulate the populace. This quote is from someone giving advice on how to to keep an army happy and satisfied. But the advice works just as well for a tyrannical system which needs a continual supply of cheap and loyal labour.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this: Poison Ivy? You go girl!

At the end of last issue, Starling had shot the CEO of this nameless company (or the company with the name I've forgotten (which is more likely, actually)). Of course she didn't kill him. She shot him with a dart which contained one of Poison Ivy's toxins.

The CEO doesn't look so weird now that Travel Foreman has left the title. He probably wandered off to one of the Third Wave books.

Black Canary watches this entire scene while her blood is boiling. That's a phrase that means she's really, really mad! I didn't mean to imply that she had suddenly found herself inside a vacuum. By that, I mean a space devoid of everything and not a machine you use to clean rugs. Black Canary is slightly pissed because she's been betrayed by Poison Ivy. But she's really pissed because Batman was fucking right AGAIN. Come on! The man has got to be wrong about something sometime!

After threatening the CEO with his life, they convince him to give them a lift back to the states in his Gulfstream. Yeah, sure! Why not? While in the plane, Black Canary decides to punch Poison Ivy in the face because she's upset that they almost killed the CEO and she told Ivy if they helped her, there would be no killing.

She makes a good point. And she didn't even pick on Starling who uses guns. Although in Starling's defense, her aim is horrible.

Starling doesn't receive any of Ivy's invective because she's busy piloting the plane. And since she instinctively knows they're fighting in the back seat, she begins doing loop-de-loops and Crazy Ivans and corkscrews and Johnny-got-ringworms. I'm not sure all of those are aerial maneuvers. This ends the fighting by turning Ivy's ire on Starling and gives Batgirl enough time to whisper a plan to Black Canary.

The plan is always "Snitch to Batman."

The "Tell Batman" plan will have to wait though. Because the next thing on their Poison Ivy to-do list is to bail out of the plane and crash it into an oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico. Because that won't cause any environmental problems!

I guess I spoke too soon. I guess Starling was talented enough to crash the plane into just the top of the rig which caused a fire that wouldn't do much damage but it was meant to send the workers into the lifeboats so no life would be lost when they overload the drill and sink the rig. That was a long sentence! The rest of the plan doesn't go as smoothly as the crashing the plane part which really seemed like the hardest aspect to get right. Black Canary finds some workers trapped on a lower level. She tries to call off the mission but Ivy won't allow it. Starling stops what she's doing but Ivy knocks her out and takes over. Black Canary does manage to save everyone but she's decided she's done with Poison Ivy. Ivy is just too chaotic and random and amoral.

Hey! Didn't some guy with a Bat Fetish say something like that last issue?!

Back in Gotham, the Birds of Prey are in Ivy's lab beneath Robinson Park. She's resting in a bath of mineral supplements underneath her grow lights when Batgirl gives the signal!

"Fist me in the ass?"

I might have interpreted the signs incorrectly since when I turned the page, I didn't see the scene I was expecting and had to pull up my pants. Instead, Batgirl knocked out Ivy's assistant with her Batarang and ran off to get Batman while the others fought with Ivy. Ivy is about to strangle Starling when Katana chops off Ivy's vines and seemingly kills her.

Oh come on! Since when does a little pruning kill a plant?

Birds of Prey #12 Rating: +1 Ranking. Now that the Birds of Prey are actually interacting with each other and acting on the events happening in their lives instead of forgetting or ignoring them, I'm beginning to like this book. Let's hope it's second year can carry it upwards in the ranks.

Wonder Woman #12

I bet Brian Azzarello was called Assholerello at least once every day in elementary school.

Last issue, Apollo and Artemis kidnapped Zola after kicking Wonder Woman and Hermes' asses. After which, Wonder Woman and Hermes appeared on Mt. Olympus to get their asses kicked a second time. I'm not sure what has changed that makes them think they can win this time. Perhaps that's what makes Wonder Woman a true hero. I don't think she said, "Is that all you've got?", but I can tell she wanted to say it.

Round Two breaks out in the shadow of Zeus's throne which Apollo is fighting for.

I wonder how many times in his long life Apollo has used this line when confronting Hermes? Also, the Sun God and the Moon Goddess look really nice together.

While the battle happens behind her, Hera decides to throw Zola off of Mt. Olympus and be done with all the drama once and for all. And she's just in time as Zola's water breaks as Hera is dragging her to the edge.

That is just a creepy thought and image. Perhaps DC's next wave should have a title called Zola which simply takes place as she falls forever. She gives birth. She raises her child. She grows old. All while tumbling down the infinite face of Mt. Olympus.

Diana charges after her to save her but before she jumps to fall forever as well, Hermes throws one of his foot feathers at her. It looks like it simply melts into her and gives her the ability to fly. But will it last? Or will it simply deteriorate into the ability to glide? Anyway, she has it long enough to save Zola.

While Diana and Zola are fifty stories below the picture, Apollo sits upon the throne. Hera doesn't try to stop him because she believes Zeus is too much of a narcissistic God to not exist. And she believes that in no way will he allow someone else to take his throne. When Apollo sits and Olympus shakes, Hera believes Zeus has returned. But the shaking is merely Olympus reforming to represent the aesthetic of its new master.

How Hong Kong of him.

In her jealousy and rage to deal with Zola and Zeus's bastard, Little Zeus, Hera didn't quite think through her plan. She also expected Zeus to come back before Apollo gained the power of the King of Gods. She's beaten and with that comes exile. Apollo disappears her with a kiss and a wave of his hand. Apollo also didn't completely think his plan through.

Those seeking power and respect often find the first thing they gain when taking a throne is paranoia.

Once Strife causes trouble because, you know, she can't help it, Diana drops her bracelets to face Artemis. Being that they were a gift from Artemis, Wonder Woman feels she stand a better chance without them. And she was right. She thoroughly beats the green cheese out of Artemis.

I take it Apollo has seen the Max Lord footage and knows what's next since he stops Wonder Woman before she breaks another neck.

Rather than seeing Artemis killed, Apollo makes a deal with Wonder Woman. He'll leave Zola's baby alone so that Diana doesn't feel the need to fulfill the prophecy herself. Being Zeus's daughter, she could possibly be the one meant to kill another God for the throne. She just about did it now! But Apollo puts a condition on the deal: if it turns out Zola's baby is the one to slay a God, then Diana must kill the child herself.

Hmm. If Diana kills the child, then she's killing a God for the throne and fulfilling the prophecy. Which would mean that the child was never the one that was meant to fulfill the prophecy and thus Diana wouldn't need to kill it! But if Diana doesn't kill it, it could possibly be the one to fulfill the prophecy! Prophecies make my head hurt!

After striking the deal, Diana heads back to Earth. She finds Lennox bandaging himself and Hera crying in the streets. And then from inside the clinc, she hears Zola screaming Herme's name. After delivering it, he took it and disappeared.

Zeus missing and now Hera is mortal. Times. They be changing.

For his own reasons not yet explained, Hermes takes the child to Demeter. Just another side with their own agenda, whatever it might be. It sounds like, possibly, they want a huge shift in God Regime. So perhaps they want to raise the child to destroy Olympus. Still, though, their reasons are a mystery.

And the final page shows Orion of the New Gods boom tubing somewhere. Why not?! The more Gods, the bloodier!

Wonder Woman #12 Rating: +1 Ranking. I should just leave Wonder Woman and Action Comics in a tie for second place! So much goodness.

Supergirl #12

I LOL'd when I read this cover.

This is the second (and possibly the third) cover of The New 52 that is edging into Hentai Territory. But Supergirl doesn't need to worry about tentacles with teeth trying to rape her because she, like Dove, has the ability to shoot blasts of energy out of her vagina. FWAAAASH! Dead sex tentacles.
I don't mean to make light of sex tentacles! I wouldn't want to be attacked by them. Although when I was in Tokyo, I encountered far less rape tentacles than I expected. And a lot more Pachinko then I imagined!

Last issue, Supergirl fled the only two friends she's made in the entire time she's been on Earth. I guess her next step is to investigate mysteries at the bottom of the ocean. That seems like an odd turn of events. I bet some other things happen in-between Point A and Point B! If you're not good at Geometry, Point A is Siobhan's apartment and Point B is the bottom of the sea!

Point A.5 turns out to be Superman's Fortress of Solitude which is probably in the Arctic unless you're Lobdell, DeCampo, or Nicieza and then it might be both in the Arctic and the Antarctic at the same time. It's like that piano playing kid from the Peanut's comic's cat. Supergirl is visiting to try to find out some answers as to why everybody wants to kill her.

Superman will probably have some helpful suggestions since he's seen what a horrible first impression she makes with everyone she meets. Hopefully he'll be able to give her a few pointers on social etiquette. Point One: Do not hit people until they give you a pretty good reason to. Point Two: Learn to control your powers so that you can stop exploding your vagina in public. Point Three: Maybe take an English course. Or Spanish. Or if you want to live in Europe, go for French or German. But learn some language that evolved on Earth already.

She didn't punch him simply because she was scared. It was the combination of that and him telling her he was her cousin.

Superman lets Kara know that he's been investigating where her pod came from and why she arrived on Earth so much later than he did. He was able to use the computer on his Brainiac satellite but since it had only been in the solar system for five years, it could only show where the pod was at that time.

That's not what he was saying at all! That's your interpretation of what he said.

When her pod crashed to Earth, one piece broke off and was large enough to not completely burn up upon reentry. It landed somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean. Hey! That's Point B! Now we're getting somewhere! Superman wants to help her retrieve it but Kara doesn't quite trust him yet. And since the comic has been chugging along quietly with some nice conversation and down time for about four pages, the writer felt the audience was probably falling asleep. So it's time for Supergirl to get violent and irrational again!

"Goddamn men and their exploding penises! Stop trying to control everything! How dare you fucking men make laws that try to keep people safe when you can't even make people! HA! Now get your hands off my vagina before I blow your face off with it!"

"Fucking man! How dare you act all rational while you're trying to help me? Haven't you forgotten I'm scared and I haven't slept in months and the one time I ate anything I almost killed everyone in the Pizzeria and I just recently found out my home planet was destroyed and everyone is trying to kill me and I don't have any decent clothes and, on top of all that, I've got these Goddamn super-ovaries to deal with! Just leave me the fuck alone for awhile and stop trying to be so nice to me!"

Supergirl really does look tired in these pages. I like that look because it fits but I think it's more the artist's style than the context. I think that because Superman also kind of looks like a zombie, pale and green. I should also point out that after Superman says, "Go. Now.", there's one more panel as Supergirl flies away where he says, "And prove me wrong." I just wanted to edit it to look like he was completely fed up with her! Ha ha! Media manipulation for the win!

Supergirl heads for the Atlantic while thinking that she should go back and apologize to Superman. But she desperately needs to learn more about herself and she suddenly hears a mechanical voice calling her name from beneath the ocean. Just like when Superman first heard his ship talk to him! Kara has a Brainaic A.I. as well! She dives into the ocean to solve the mystery but also to find death, according to the cover.

And she finds the death! She's attacked by the toothy tentacled alien jelly creatures! She puts up a pretty good struggle but one eventually surprises her and she gulps down some water. I guess it's time to learn if Supergirl can drown. (My guess is she can't!)

Whoops!

Supergirl wakes up on the bottom of her ocean after having suffered a panic attack, I suppose. Because she discovers she doesn't even have to breathe. So Supergirl doesn't have to eat, sleep, or breathe. Superman still does, right? It's possible that her many years spent circling the sun have caused her to be far more powerful than Superman. That could really be interesting if it's maintained.

At the bottom of the ocean, Kara finds her own Fortress of Solitude!

It better not be a dream since this has been the best issue of Supergirl since the comic began!

Once she begins exploring the inside of her Fortress, the mechanical Kryptonian voice shuts off and another voice begins speaking to her. She eventually discovers the source.

"Before the punching starts...." They've obviously met before!

Oh the mystery! Who could this Kryptonian speaking butler be?!

Yay! It's Simon Tycho in his new jelly man body! And he's brought Kryptonian dildos!

Supergirl #12 Rating: +3 Ranking. Finally! This is what this comic should have been doing months ago. It's slowed down and begun to tell a story. I hope Supergirl continues to remain calm and actually begin talking things through!