Batwoman #23

Stop being so hallucinogenic, Batwoman.

I have nineteen new comic books to read before Wednesday so that I can begin reading Villains Month as soon as the comic books come out! I don't think it's going to happen. I hate myself and my failings. If only I could be more like Linda Mann! I'm so envious of her abilities.

Three or so issues ago, Batwoman and her family and friends decided they would learn Batman's secret identity. It was the only way they could get Kate and her sister free from the clutches of Director Bones and the Department of Extranormal Operations. But then Killer Croc had to have an issue all to himself. And then Batwoman had to learn how to defeat Batman by questioning his biggest rivals. This issue begins with Kate sitting on the edge of the bed trying to convince Maggie that she's ready to face Batman the next day. So are we finally going to get to the showdown I've been waiting for since Issue #5?

Nope. First Kate needs to trip her fucking balls off.

Sure, Kate. Maggie might believe that you're doing this because you love her and you want to show her how sorry you are for being such a huge dick to her as Batwoman, but I know better. This is one of those Shamanistic ritual things, isn't it? A little sweat lodge wisdom before the big battle. A battle I thought would happen around Issue #11 according to my Issue #5 commentary. Boy was I a bit off on that one!

Meanwhile, Firehawk (is that her name? Why can't I fucking remember her name from month to month? Firehawk? Flamebird? Oh! Flamebird! Maybe?) is running around with The Murder of Crows kidnapping DEO bureaucrats so they can torture them for inside information on the agency. That's probably a good back-up plan because what are the odds Batwoman is going to figure out Batman's secret identity? She's no Lois Lane!

Is it just me or does Flamebird look like the baddest ass in this room? She's got a real Terry Moore Parker Girl thing going on here.

I really don't have much to say about Kate's hallucinations because McCarthy really just nails the visuals on this shit. It's not about making sense of the images. Their revelations are in the experience of them and not the story of them. I sometimes wonder if it's at all possible to really describe the experience of hallucinogenics to a person that hasn't experienced them. Which, of course, means the person wouldn't need the experience described! It really widens perception and narrows it at the same time. Everything becomes connected in the most earnest, meaningful way. I suppose it could all be connected in seriously terrifying ways as well but I wouldn't know having never experienced a bad trip. Whenever any of my friends asked me what acid or mushrooms were like, I'd just tell them that I can't actually recommend it to anybody because I don't really know what's going on in their head from day to day. I'd say, "It amplifies whatever mood you're in, or whatever emotion you're feeling. It's up to each person if they feel up to doing it and I can't be the one to make that decision." Also, I never really liked tripping with a virgin because I always felt I had to babysit! Although babysitting while on mushrooms is probably not the best idea ever.

Kurt Vonnegut's son Mark wrote a terrific book called The Eden Express: A Memoir of Insanity about how taking acid tripped his schizophrenia (which he didn't know he had although his family has a history of mental illness). I didn't realize until I read that book that an acid trip was really like taking a detour into schizophrenia. Once I realized that, I could see why schizophrenics often forgo taking their medication. It's like cutting themselves off from being connected to everything. But being in that state all the time must be so fucking exhausting, it's also probably a relief to have that link severed. I highly recommend the book for anybody curious about how schizophrenia can make a person see the world. If you've done hallucinogens, you'll really connect to the way he describes the world once his schizophrenia is tripped. If you haven't, you'll at least get a pretty fucking good explanation of the way things change; you just won't have that visceral feeling of having been there.

Anyway, I really love this page here:

Aww. So sweet! Except for the blood.

Back at The Murder of Crows' loft, Bette has decided punching the DEO Agent in the face isn't making him talk, so she tries a new tactic. Apparently the guy isn't just some nobody bureaucrat. He's Agent Asaf, the DEO's best profiler. So Bette profiles him to figure out what he most wants and how to get him on the same page as her and Batwoman.

It's the Daddy Issues. It's always the Daddy Issues.

Over in downtown Gotham, Cameron Chase is setting loose a small contingent of Arkham's best psychotics: Bane, Poison Ivy, Tweedle Dee, Mad Hatter, The Riddler, Tweedle Dum. She's calling it Operation Batfrack and leaving Bane in charge. You think Batman's going to fall for some mini-Knightfall Flashmob? And what the fuck did the DEO promise these guys to taunt Batman? Tweedle Dee just had his fucking chin sewn back on and The Mad Hatter was nearly killed! Of course, these people are nuts.

I still think they enjoy Batman beating on them.

Later after the fear toxin wears off, Kate attempts a proper proposal. Unless the fear toxin hasn't worn off yet. But asking somebody to marry you is usually done out of every day normal fear of loneliness and being unlovable anyway, so I'm pretty sure the toxin is out of her system.

This is where I usually make a cynical remark about refrigerators. But I think this relationship will last a long time. Hmm. That's exactly what Williams and Blackman would want me to think so that I'll be horrified when Maggie winds up in a Frigidaire! Jerks!

Then some place in Gotham blows up while Director Bones watches and Kate dons her costume and heads out to beat the crap out of Batman.

Batwoman #23 Rating: +1 Ranking. Should I start a pool on how many issues Maggie has left alive?

Batwoman #20

This issue: Batwoman gets hooked on Yu-Gi-Oh.

I guess Batwoman is going to be reintroduced to her sister this issue. And maybe she'll find out that she has a brother as well. But what I'm really hoping will happen will be Hawkfire realizing that a hero using a flamethrower is a really fucking stupid idea.

Comic Book Rule #1: Nobody is ever truly dead. Except Ted Kord.

Kate's going to need some proof that this is her sister before she believes a couple of lying bastards like Cameron Chase and Director Mister Bones. Cameron is going to tell her the story of how she found her but I suspect Kate's going to need a DNA test or a look at her sister's super secret mole two centimeters from her anal sphincter. I hope Kate chooses the latter!

Back when Cameron was searching for Batwoman's secret identity in the heady days of the Preboot Era (except that era doesn't exist anymore so I'm actually just talking about a period of Reboot time before this comic book actually began. So, like August 2011, maybe?), she discovered the Religion of Crime. Cameron and her goons were investigating one of their facilities when all hell broke loose.

Comic Book Rule #2: When a person questions somebody else's motives, they're really questioning themselves.

Comic Book Rule #3: Whenever a story is about to get interesting, delay the interesting bit for a full issue by indulging in a flashback!

In Cameron's story, everybody dies on both sides. Except for her, of course! Did I need to say that? I mean, she is telling the story! Then again, this is a comic book where death doesn't seem to stick. After the battle, Cameron found a sarcophagus and inside it was Kate's sister Beth. The sarcophagus had brought her back to life and kept her in stasis. And then they finally let her out after Medusa was defeated and Kate began acting like a rogue bitch.

At least, that's the story they're going with. I don't trust these fuckers at all! The last time I trusted a cigar smoking skeleton, I...fuck me. It's so bad even I can't finish that joke. You'll just have to come up with your own punchline about anal play and the worst Halloween I've ever had.

Once Kate finds out that Director Mister Bones and Cameron Chase were holding her sister in utero, so to speak, until they could use her against Batwoman, she does the sensible thing.

It's about fucking time!

To keep from getting kicked in his face (or skull or whatever), Director Mister Bones tells Kate that they're giving her back her sister. I'm sure there will be some catches or some strings or some negligible small print but that can all be dealt with later. First, Kate wants to see her sister again.

Comic Book Rule #4: They always come back different. No, wait. That's Stephen King Book Rule #8.

I think if Beth did come back different, it would be for the better. I never read the stories with Black Alice, so I don't know what kind of a psychotic freak she was. But if she's in Gotham and she has an Alice in Wonderland fetish, then she must be mad as a person in a profession that people used to go mad doing. Cobbler? Yeah, probably Cobbler since there was that one that believed Elves were making shoes for him. Crazy loon! Didn't he know Elves make cookies?

Kate makes the deal with Director Mister Bones to find out Batman's secret identity. If she succeeds, Bones returns Beth to Kate, he destroys all evidence on her father, and he leaves her and her family alone. I think there's a Comic Book Rule that deals with deals too but I can't remember it. Comic Book Rule #5: People always hold up their end of the bargain? Does that sound right? That might be it!

When Kate returns home to Maggie, she finds her step mom and her father and Bette all hanging out with Maggie. I thought that Hawkfire had planted a tracer on Batwoman but it was a bug. They've been listening to her conversation with Cameron and Director Mister Bones all night. Now they want to know if it's true: is Beth alive? And who is The Batman?! Does she know yet?! Can they help find out? It's probably Commissioner Gordon, right? You could always tell that stupid mustache was fake!

Batwoman #20 Rating: No change. I'm disappointed that the art wasn't by J.H. Williams. But Trevor McCarthy does the kind of job that I would normally really like if I wasn't full of that disappointment I mentioned in the previous sentence. I guess Batwoman and her Detective Club are going after the biggest fish in Gotham. And by fish, I mean bat. And by bat, I mean man! And by man, I mean the sexiest man in a tight pair of leather jeans! Bruce Banner! I mean, Bruce Wayne!

Batwoman #12

I think this cover is a metaphor about legitimate rape. And the justice Wonder Woman is going to stab all over the faces of the people who believe the ideas behind phrases like that.

I wasn't going to talk about it but since the picture brought up the whole legitimate rape thing, I guess I should say my piece. Besides, this is supposed to be a kind of memoir as well as my unfiltered thoughts as I read DC's New 52, so I should be discussing moments history and pop culture. So here are my thoughts on Todd Akins.

No, you know what? Fuck Todd Akins. People need to stop discussing Todd Akins and what he said and begin discussing the real problem. The real problem is that what Akins said is what the GOP believe! This has been a standard belief in the Republican Party for some time! They seriously think that women can't get pregnant during rape because of the trauma. Can they also not get pregnant during a full moon because of Werewolf pheremones? Wait, wait! I don't think you get how ignorant these people are yet. Let me give you another example.

The religious right believe that people can be possessed by demons and the devil but they don't believe women can get pregnant during a sexual assault. I really feel sorry for sane conservatives who simply believe in fiscal responsibility of the government and corporations! But fuck it! You want to swim with clowns, you're going to...well, I don't know how to end that analogy. I'm sure it has something to do with sharks in greasepaint.

Anyway, the real reason the GOP want this Todd Akins to drop from the race isn't because they think he's disgraced himself with something they don't believe (because they believe it!). They merely want him to drop from the race because he can't win the fucking race now which means another Goddamned liberal is going to end up in DC! Talk about rape!

But maybe this Batwoman cover is actually about something else. Batwoman being devoured by a woman in a mirror vomiting blood while snakes slither out and wrap around her body? Perhaps it's some kind of struggle with the way she sees herself. Although it's probably just because she's battling Medusa. You know? Mirror. Snakes. Gore. And Wonder Woman must be making a guest appearance.

I think this might be Wonder Woman's first actual guest appearance in a non-Wonder Woman comic book! I'm not including the comic books where she's simply a face in the Justice League. You know, I don't think Aquaman has made any cameos either! I could be wrong and I probably am since remembering things is difficult.

This issue begins with Batwoman still chasing after Urban Legends. Set side by side with her story is a story of Wonder Woman tackling Myths. And then the splash page is just really clever. Too bad I won't be able to scan the entire thing!

I just really like the parallel of the Urban Legends with the mythical creatures. Also the way the Bat Symbol merges with the Star.

Batwoman has come to an old abandoned house of mirrors to search for Bloody Mary (of course! I'm so stupid!). She has brought a Werewolf with her so that she can't get pregnant, I guess. Actually, the Werewolf is her tracker. He's the one that followed Mary's scent to this place. Mary has the ability to screw with people's minds when they look in the mirror, so Batwoman just concentrates on ignoring the reflections she sees. She also tries the Bloody Mary chant to see if she can summon her.

Really loving the art and the layouts here!

Wonder Woman's story mirrors Batwoman's. Wonder Woman is attacking a serpent worshiping cult that has been stealing children. It's synchronicity in its definitive form. I mean, it's not the coincidence form of synchronicity that most people think of when they use the term. It's the actual Jungian synchronicity. You know, the kind The Police sing about as opposed to the kind where you're thinking about your junior high school crush and then notice she's serving you at the Burger King drive-in. That's kind of like lesser synchronicity! Although still the same thing. You know what? Never mind. Forget I said anything about it!

Bloody Mary eventually crashes out of the mirror and attacks the Werewolf. I would think she would slip out of the mirror as if it weren't there but apparently she likes the drama of smashing into the bathroom's of little girls at slumber parties and scarring them for life.

Batwoman shatters Bloody Mary by shooting her. She then interrogates the shattered pieces but the only information they offer up is that Medusa is not a group but a woman. She's the Queen of the Monsters. Batwoman, who seems to be against killing, then steps on and smashes Bloody Mary to splinters. What if Bloody Mary is just a normal person who became a super villain instead of an actual ghost and urban legend? Did Kate just kill her? Maybe Batwoman has dealt with her before and understands that she'll simply re-materialize in another mirror at the next slumber party. Kate has some of the same misgivings after the fact but she's fairly certain that Maro's magic has caused Bloody Mary the urban legend to become real and that she wasn't an actual person the way Killer Croc was transformed. But if that's true about Bloody Mary, then a whole slew of little girls at slumber parties are now in for the worst shocks of their short lives.

Afterward, Kate Kane reports to Mister Bones of the DEO.

Mister Bones in his casual get-up. By the way, does he have a bionic left leg? Oh! I just remembered something, I think! Didn't get get it bitten off by some Shark enemy back in Infinity, Inc? Was that King Shark back then? Or someone else? Holy crap, I'm going to have to dig into the internet on this one.

Okay, it was Carcharo that bit off Mister Bones' leg. Another shark-like guy. I can't believe that memory came back just from seeing Bones with a fake leg. But, of course, this is The New 52! Mister Bones had to lose his leg some other way because it certainly wasn't due to his involvement in a team of super villains named Helix that fought against the sons and daughters of the heroes of DC's Golden Age! Sheesh. That's a lot of fucked up continuity simply because Mister Bones has a cybernetic leg!

Later, Kate Kane and Maggie Sawyer have a fight. Maggie is being crucified in the media because she's leading the investigation for the missing children and there have been no solid leads. And Kate needs to head out of Gotham to speak with Wonder Woman. But Maggie doesn't understand why she can't stay with her for comfort. She walks out on Kate until Kate can begin telling her the truth. Kate doesn't stop her because the only real way she can help Maggie is by finding the children and defeating Medusa. And for that, she needs Wonder Woman's help. Or Jason's. Or maybe even Bellerophon's.

Batwoman #12 Rating: +2 Ranking. A double move up the rankings to account for an intriguing story and a superior layout with beautiful art. I'd like to see more of this out of this comic book. If only Williams could continue to do the art for each month's issue.