Green Arrow #12

Is the House of Death actually outside?

Oliver Queen has found himself in China acting like a complete douchebag to Mr. Jin Fang, a man that owns nearly controlling interest in Queen's company Q-Core. As someone who isn't a businessman and doesn't understand businessmen (hell, I don't even understand adult men. Am I the only one that saw my father and uncles as real men and never actually felt like I reached that point in my life? Or do all men have that feeling since, unless you're Jewish, our society really has no real rite of passage for boys? (I'm willing to bet that previous parenthetical reference (not this one (that one referenced the previous one!)) would be a much more interesting essay topic than the story contained in this issue of Green Arrow), I'm just guessing that Ollie possibly made a critical business blunder by shaming Mr. Jin. Unless it's Mr. Fang. Fuck, I hope I didn't just insult him as well!

I've never really understood men in suits. Not any man in any suit in any era! I love the television show Mad Men but I have nothing in common with any of the characters on the show at all! It's like going to the zoo and watching the chimps throw feces and masturbate. It's riveting and super fun but I don't feel a connection with any of them. Is it weird to not feel a connection with a chimp that just masturbated while you ate popcorn and watched?

Anyway, Mr. Fang's bodyguards attacked Ollie because that's apparently what everybody in the DC Universe does when somebody dissents.

The issue begins and I guess Ann Nocenti hadn't quite finished with her notes from her night of watching television poker.

If you have no idea what you're doing, then you have no tells. You have nothing. You're not even fucking bluffing. You're just spewing nonsense, you fucking stupid beautifully full eyelashed man!

Ollie's "nuts" are to act like a complete asshole. I don't know what he thinks Mr. Fang is supposed to have him pegged on. Mr. Fang told him his offer to sell the company shares. Ollie responded by telling him to shove it up his ass and generally flipping the fuck out. What the hell is Mr. Fang supposed to read from those tells?

Mr. Fang, Narration Boxing: "I knew Oliver Queen would not accept my offer. And since he insulted me, I know that he will not be swayed from his decision. I thought maybe we could haggle a bit but the way he's choking my bodyguard, I see that he's not willing to negotiate. That means I totally know his position! He won't budge! I'll have to kill him!
Oliver Queen, Narration Boxing: "Ha ha! Mr. Chinaman thinks I'm not going to sell! But I don't know what I'm going to do after I'm done choking this guy. Maybe I'll sell! Who can tell?! I'm reverse telling on my reverse tell after showing a fake tell with a real tell chaser! He'll never know what I'm up to because I don't know what I'm up to! I'VE GOT HIM NOW!"

The second page of the comic is even worse than the first page. It really makes me question my sanity. Am I wrong for finding this overly narrated style of writing obnoxious and lazy? Do people enjoy this? Or will Green Arrow fans put up with anything just to read a comic book about Green Arrow? I'm not going to bother scanning this hackery but I'll blockquote it so all can marvel at Ann Nocenti's professional grip on narrating a story.

First I gotta deal with these two thugs. Figuring out what's going on in the minds of lugheads is rough enough work...but lugheads with face scribbles? It ain't easy. I can tell by their stance they expect me to strike the head or the gut--so I choose the lowly, forgotten kneecap.

Holy shit. How many total issues of Green Arrow have been created across the years? After all this time, now you know why he's such a good hand-to-hand combatant! It's because he plays poker and can read the faces of his enemies! He can see in their eyes that they're defending the high and middle part of their body! So he goes low! It's like Ann Nocenti's only knowledge of fighting is from the arcade game Karate Champ. Actually, Karate Champ mixed with Texas Hold'em.

What's even more interesting about that blockquote above is that Ollie is sitting on the ground when he says it. So the thugs are complete morons if they're protecting their faces while he's sitting on his ass next to their lowly, forgotten kneecaps.

You know what? I give up. I can't finish this comic book tonight. It was when the bear attacked Oliver Queen but it was really a dog and it led to a casual conversation in the middle of the hostilities that put me over the edge.

So. Fucking. Idiotic. I wonder if Ann rereads her shit and just glows all over. You know, the way I feel when I reread my own shit!

It's really unnecessary for me to say this, but I'm off to bed. I'll continue this travesty in the morning for me and after the double-spaced break for you!

Good morning! Now I'm all bright and shiny and positive! I can approach Green Arrow from a brand new perspective! Maybe I should really get a brand new perspective? Perhaps I should get the eight year old boy from next door to read it and I can transcribe his reactions! Hey! Alex! Get your annoying ass over here and read this!

Me: "Here. Read this comic book."
Alex: "Read it to me."
Me: "Oh, fuck off, you retard."

Let's try something else. How about I scan the next page and you make up the commentary yourself! Then send me your comments via the "Ask Me Anything" link and I'll add them to the caption! Good luck! And don't feel nervous about sending me positive comments! Hell, I'd love to hear from people who enjoy this book and why they enjoy it!

"__________________________________________!"

Oliver Queen loses the fight and Mr. Fang gives him an ultimatum.

What kind of a threat is that?

Am I wrong in seeing this as no kind of threat at all? If Ollie doesn't give Mr. Fang his facial recognition software, Mr. Fang will sell the stocks. So Ollie can have anonymous partners waiting to buy up all of the stock when Ollie refuses to give Mr. Fang what he wants! Does Ann Nocenti think that "liquidating shares" is akin to disintegrating them? If Mr. Fang does manage to sell the controlling shares to other people not associated with Queen Industries, it at least allows Ollie to deal with people who might accept something other than his facial recognition software. Am I missing something?

I think Ann Nocenti has the idea of liquidation of stocks and the liquidation of a company confused here. Since Fang has controlling interest (supposedly), he can liquidate the company and start a dog food company with the money. But he doesn't say that! He says he'll liquidate the shares! Different. Different. Die in a fire.

Ann Nocenti has won. I've lost all ability to comment on her writing. Where do I even begin with this compound sentence: "The pollution is awful but the hipsters turn face masks into haute couture"? The connection between those two clauses is so tenuous. I think Ann just wanted to bitch about China but realized it could be anywhere she was bitching about, so she added "pollution" and "rickshaw". Plus, fucking Chinese hipsters!

Ollie can't wait to turn into Green Arrow and go back and kick Fang's ass. I imagine that Nocenti meant Fang was going to liquidate the company even though last issue Fang merely had "nearly controlling" shares of the company. I guess on Ollie's flight over to China, Fang bought up a few more shares. So the answer is, of course, to beat the shit out of Fang. Actually, Ollie just wants to do that because he wants to get even for Fang beating him up. Although Ollie deserved some kind of slap on the wrist for acting like an asshole in their business meeting. I don't think Fang's thugs should have tried to kill him. But maybe Uncle Sam could have bit him on the leg or pissed on his shoes.

Ollie ditches Jimmy Crew and immediately gets captured by Fang's thugs because of the GPS on the phone Ollie stole last issue. He wakes up in a jail cell full of fun wikipedia facts and no actual dialogue to make it interesting.

Look at all the research Ann Nocenti did to make this scene realistic! Shuanggui! Black Boss! Cockroach races! Tongs! But what she failed to do was make the scene interesting!

Green Arrow and his new sidekick, English speaking Chinese Kit Kang, come up with a plan to break out of jail! It's the dumbest plan in the world but it works because the guards are the dumbest guards in the world!

In reality, this would have went like this: "Open the door or your buddy dies!" Guard shoots Ollie in the face without ever opening the door.

Ollie escapes and heads off on his mission to get even with the guy who kicked his ass and is going to destroy Queen Industries. Meanwhile, Jin Fang is raising his parents from the dead so that they can fight Green Arrow. Or something. I guess he at least knows Ollie broke out of the illegal jail and is going to come after him. So he needed some undead protection from his parents.

Green Arrow #12 Rating: -2 Ranking. I can't even describe how much I hated this issue. Every page felt like Ann Nocenti wiping her ass with my face.

Batwing #12

This cover screams, "I AM A COVER ARTIST AND I GIVE NO FUCKS!"

I didn't think things were going so poorly last issue that Batwing has to resort to help from Justice League International this issue! But you know what, before I begin commenting on the comic, I'm not done with this cover.

Look at it! LOOK! I'm pretty sure it's half finished. Eight people on the cover and I count three half foots. Every character is making fists except for Batwing's left hand which is stretched out flat (the other easy way to draw a hand). A few of the characters have the majority of their bodies off-cover while the rest have a good amount of their bodies covered by other characters. No background. And where are they coming from? Batwing and Booster look like they're flying. Nightwing is doing his typical crouch jump. Godiva, Guy, General, and Batman are running down a non-existent hill. And OMAC is just belly flopping into the mix. I would like to say this is the shittiest, laziest, most horrible cover of the New 52 but there have been so many bad ones that I'm just not willing to commit to that statement. Okay. That's enough.

So, this issue looks like Batwing and the JLI (who kind of, sort of possibly still represent the United Nations? Or at least people probably think they do) are about to invade a sovereign nation. Bully for them!

The issue begins with Batwing, Nightwing, and the JLI already engaged in battle with Tundi's protectors, Blood Storm. Eww. Gross. Here's the problem with naming your Super Powered National Bodyguards "Blood Storm." Isn't exactly a picture of nicety-nice, is it?

Tundi Tourism Board: "We have beautiful sandy deserts! We have gorgeous wild animals! The people are the friendliest you can meet! But please, do not come to Tundi! DO NOT STEP FOOT IN TUNDI! Blood Storm, the name of our metagene enhanced protectorates, is a literal name! They will explode you like the fabled blood sausages of Bloodsausagonia! A whirlwind will be created of your vital life's elixir! The gore that used to be infected with your personality will rain down upon our people! Tundi thanks you!"

Anybody want the real names of the members of Blood Storm? The Hooded Reliquary is actually Sniper. Dora the Horror is Striker. So close! The Concierge is Neith (named for the Goddess of War). And Schwa is actually Fallen. Because he fell from the sky! Duh! So those are the real names of the people who are about to defeat Justice League International!

But at least Justice League International were still on their feet and fighting when this comic book begin as opposed to being unconscious like in their own title! At least Judd Winick has a modicum of respect for their abilities. But that fight is getting ahead of the story anyway because Judd likes to tell his stories out of time. He once saw this little movie called Pulp Fiction and he got ideas. Big, lofty ideas that he could never reach so he went with this stupid thing where he starts a comic book in the middle of a fight and then a few pages later he puts up a "10 hours ago" caption.

So, ten hours ago everybody was getting briefed in Haven. Batwing revealed that Tundi had a nuclear missile (care of The Penguin!) and were prepared to use it on a rival nation. Tundi needed to be stopped.

I'm glad to see Booster has the same reservations that I had.

And I'm glad to see Guy doesn't.

Then the team sneaks in and then the team is discovered almost instantly. It's as if the story didn't even need the flashback! Maybe I was wrong about Judd Winick ever seeing Pulp Fiction! Where are the subtleties in the exploded narrative that explain other parts of the narrative? Where is John Travolta constantly missing everything because he's going to the restroom, a habit that eventually gets him killed when he refuses to acknowledge the sign of the bullets that missed them? What am I talking about? Why the fuck do I think any mainstream comic book writer is ever going to impress me at this rate?! Perhaps it's time to call this writing exercise complete and dive back into Grunion Guy's novel, This Story Will Make Me Famous?

You know what used to keep me reading comic books back in the eighties? I was excited to see how the lives of these characters would turn out. Now, 95 percent of all of DC's characters have no personality outside of their super heroing persona. Maybe Batwoman. Nightwing. Batman and Robin. Fuck, Jason Todd if he was being written by an actual writer could be a fucking fascinating read! But instead, Lobdell treats him as a teenager with an attitude. Lobell has had less than five really interesting pages in eleven issues of three different comic books. That's about two percent of his writing on target. Yet if he had a good editor, the editor would read his shit and point to those five pages and say, "This! This is where your story needs to go!" And how the fuck did I end up ranting about Scott Lobdell? Judd Winick dodged a bullet here!

Continuing on with the comic, I find the next few pages quite enjoyable. But I find them enjoyable because of me and my project! I did that little fanfic Tundi Tourism Board thing earlier. So when Batwing and the JLI encounter Lord Battle, he says, "Welcome! I hope you are enjoying the Nation of Tundi! I'm afraid your visit will be a short one!" So even when I'm fucking around, I'm beating these writers to the punch and outguessing most of their moves.

Listen to me! Going on and on, yet again, about how shitty these professional writers are while I've never published anything professionally. But that's okay. I'd like to point to Dwarf Lover to show that I can put a better comic together than this tripe. Oh, and this issue of Batwing isn't even that bad! I've just gotten into complainer mode so it sounds like I'm hating Batwing #12 when I'm really just despising DC in general! It's probably time for a picture!

Like a good mudslinger, I cut out the context for that last narration box because I want everyone to see Batwing saying that the JLI are useless!

Before I continue with the battle and get to the part where they realize how to defeet (misspelling intended!) Lord Battle, let me say that the match-ups shown at the beginning of the comic never happen. When Blood Storm is introduced on the first page of this issue, Nightwing and Godiva are fighting Striker and Sniper. But later when the team is attacked, Sniper fights with OMAC and Booster while Striker battles August General in Iron and Batwing. Fallen does encounter Guy, so that's okay. And Neith attacks Booster and OMAC instead of Booster and August General in Iron as shown on page one. Just wanted to point out that whole discontinuity crap.

With the help of Matu (Batwing's Alfred! The guy that owns the shirt with the incorrect dice on it!), Batwing realizes that Lord Battle seems to gain his power from his connection to the land of Tundi. So OMAC lifts him off of the ground (he DEFEETS him! Bwa ha ha!) and tosses him to Batwing who flies him out of his country's boundaries. Lord Battle loses his power once he's removed but his entire country begins to lose its vitality. Sick people begin dying. Trees wither. Blood Storm become gaunt and weak. Without Lord Battle, the country will die. Lord Battle pleads to let him go back for the sake of his people and his country.

New prison nickname: Lord Butthole!

The issue ends with a foreshadowing page of some asshole named King Shadow who has apparently organized every conflict that Batwing has faced so far in this comic to create an Africa devoid of super powered people (Massacre, Lord Battle, members of The Kingdom) so that he can take over. Good luck, King Shadow, organizing Africa under one rule, even a tyrannical one. It'll never happen. You're defeated before you even started by overstepping what is possible! Jerk!

Batwing #12 Rating: +1 Ranking. Ha ha! Look at how much I can bitch and still enjoy reading a comic book! What the fuck is wrong with me?

Justice League International #12

Oh, there's Batman! You better have a good excuse for abandoning everyone last issue, you Bat-twat.

Okay, okay. I opened this comic, read the first two pages, and now I can't stop laughing. I'm laughing for very different reasons than when this comic book used to star Blue Beetle as well and it was funny. This team is just pathetic. Incredibly pathetic. Guess how many pages into Issue #12 before the entire team is unconscious?

It's a trick question! The issue begins with them knocked out! Although they're first shown here on page two. Hopefully some graves are already dug for them!

Thankfully Batman is finally back and he's still on his feet. And I don't see Batwing in that panel. I'd say he finally went back to his own more respectable comic book but he's right there on the cover waiting to suck with the rest of them.

Lightweaver's brother has ambushed them at Gavril's grave. I don't know if I'm spelling Rocket Red's civilian name correctly since he wasn't around long enough for me to care. Lightweaver's brother is an idiot though because he's attacking Batman even though Batman wasn't anywhere near the site of Lightweaver's death! As Batman tries to convince this kid that the JLI was not responsible for Lightweaver's death, he flashes back to the beginning of the funeral.

What do you mean "we" couldn't find his body? You weren't fucking there! I wonder if they'll add Batman in various random panels when they publish the trade paperback of these stories?

The JLI arrive in Russia to pay their respects to another fallen Rocket Red. At least this one didn't turn out to be a goddamned Manhunter! They apparently swallow their pride to borrow a ship from Oliver Queen instead of having Guy Gardner create a ship for them. Perhaps they learned they were not fans of riding in Gardner ship constructs after their short trip to Paris.

He's right there! Look! Behind you! He's...he's...he's...oh, come on! No wonder you idiots get your asses kicked all of the time!

The team discusses whether or not the JLI will be discontinued since they now have no funding. The consensus is that they will somehow continue the team. Jesus. I'm willing to bet 75% of all Justice League stories post Giffen's run and not written by Grant Morrison involved how the team was being funded! I know I'd lose that bet but you can't help what a person will say when exaggerating a point!
The team is ambushed by Lightweaver's brother. Well, not exactly ambushed. Lightweaver's brother calls them out and admonishes them and calls them fascists. And then he attacks them with his super powers. Which they're still not ready to defend against. Guys, clue #1: someone calls you fascist, get ready to defend yourselves!

This is so insulting. Not Batman's statement (although that is! Gardner is a trained, experienced Green Lantern and he needs some sidekick pointers?) but the way Jurgens writes this team as if they're all amateurs. When has one blast of anything ever taken out Guy Gardner? Okay, bad example. Lightweaver's brother's light construct was probably in the shape of Batman's fist.

Batman tries beating up Malik (Lightweaver's brother!) and tries lecturing him as well. The lecturing works and Malik suddenly feels remorseful.

And the rest of the team has recovered! I guess when you're used to getting your ass handed to you on a regular basis, you learn to shake it off rather quickly.

After straightening out their little disagreement, Batman has some wonderful news for the fan of Justice League International!

What a hard knock fucking life.

So Batwing finally finds a way to extricate himself from this ship hauling a shipment of anchors. And Batman just bought his dignity back by funding them instead of appearing with them. Smart move! The rest of the team appears to be hanging around and I imagine Fire and Ice will be back as well as a new member or two.

Tacky! I mean the colors, not the flippant allusion to shot in the head never coming back dead forever Ted Kord.

And with that, the regular issues of Justice League International are done for now. Looks like there will be an Annual as well as the Zero Issue, so still plenty of ass handing outs to be had!

Justice League International #12 Rating: No change. I just can't be excited about this group pictured here:

And I thought the Justice League of America with Gypsy, Vixen, and Vibe was lackluster!

Red Lanterns #12

Having your brain exposed seems like a substantial weakness in combat.

It's now been a full year of Atrocitus puttering around trying to find meaning in his rage. Once his rage dulled and was no longer blinding him, he began to need more than just angrily yelling at McDonald's employees because the food wasn't fast enough. I should make a list of all the types of people that I think should be Red Lanterns. People who yell at minimum wage employees for problems out of the employee's control would earn a red ring. People who engage in taking offense as their form of critical thinking might not get a red ring but I thought I'd put this sentence here so I can say how much I dislike them. Cats who hiss at you when you're just trying to put anti-bacterial ointment on their chest deserve a red ring as well. I'm looking at you, Judas.

Awww. Who needs his own Dex Starr costume?

So Atrocitus decided his Red Lanterns would focus their anger and put it to use. They would become tools of retribution in the universe. But they wouldn't merely be punishing bad people when good people become angry at evil acts. No, they would have no moral compass. They would simply listen to the screams of the residents of the universe and be the tools of the most worthy anger. But for eleven issues, it's been nothing but one distraction after another. First the Red Lanterns were too angry and dumb to mold into an army, so Atrocitus healed Bleez's mind to be his second in command. But then Atrocitus became paranoid of her motives (with good reason!) and she began to rebel against him. Then Atrocitus's live doll, Krona, disappeared which meant all work on the project had to stop until someone found Krona. But while searching for Krona, he found that Abysmus, the first Red Lantern he created, had been brought back to life. It was Abysmus that had taken Krona. I think Abysmus was raised by the Guardians of the Universe in their attempt to end all of the different colored Lanterns.

Abysmus ended up poisoning the Red Lantern Battery, so now Atrocitus needs to figure out how to fix that before he can get back to the Red Lanterns becoming a force for redemption. Last issue, he finally found Abysmus and they were about to have it out while Bleez and Fatality were doing a little "debating" on Zamaron. And Rankorr was conducting his own search for Abysmus.

I think Rankorr will help Atrocitus defeat Abysmus. Atrocitus will recognize that Rankorr should be his second in command. And I guess Bleez will just decide to ditch them all and take up her part in The New Guardians once and for all.

Hitting someone with their own cat is not cool.

Atrocitus's ring is almost out of power. Once it runs out, he'll die since all of the Red Lanterns are merely corpses being animated by the Red Rings and their own anger. So they're different than the Black Lanterns somehow. Oh, because of the color! With nearly the last of his power, Atrocitus sends up a distress flare which is seen 521 sectors away by Rankorr.

Before killing Atrocitus, Abysmus feels the need to point out that empathy is greater than rage. Atrocitus killed Abysmus because he could feel empathy. Atrocitus believed that was too great a flaw for Abysmus to be a Red Lantern (duh!). How can somebody with empathy go around killing and maiming and beating the shit out of people? But Abysmus's point is that rage is a dead end. That's kind of been a theme in this book so far. Rage really gets you nowhere.

I think Atrocitus would agree. Except the whole point of being filled with rage is that it's hardly a choice. It's primal. Sure, it can be controlled to some degree as seen with Rankorr. But most people just succumb to their base emotions and ride the wave.

Rankorr arrives immediately after this panel. And Rankorr would probably readily admit that empathy is better than pure, unadulterated anger. But Rankorr is trying to save himself and the Red Lanterns. So he does the smart thing. He uses Abysmus's own empathy against him.

And that's why you couldn't be a Red Lantern, sir. No crying in the Red Lantern Army.

Empathy is a strong emotion and I believe it is the best thing to cultivate in children. If we ever have a truly peaceful world, it will be empathy that drives it. But for a creature that exists for killing? As Philip K Dick points out in Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep, a spider could not exist if it had empathy. A predator cannot feel empathy for its victims. In some cases, empathy is absolutely a flaw.

Once Abysmus becoms paralyzed from the feels, Atrocitus once again gains the upper hand. As Abysmus is pummeled repeatedly, he lets slip the first actual damning evidence against the Guardians.

Those little blue bastards!

From inside Abysmus, Atrocitus removes a Blood Seed (or some such shit) which could potentially restore the Red Lantern Battery. But I wonder if it might not be infected with just a little bit of the empathy restored by the Guardians?

Meanwhile on Zamaron, Fatality is offering Bleez a Star Sapphire Ring. Choosing it will save her life but it will also condemn her companions to death. And since she doesn't really seem to like Zilius Zox much anyway, maybe she'll take it? No, no. Of course she won't. But artist Miguel Sepulveda seems to think there might be a chance.

This scene is far sexier than it's supposed to be. Although not as sexy as it would be with a different artist drawing it.

But once Atrocitus restores the Red Lantern Battery with the seed of Abysmus (eww), Bleez and the others regain their strength. And Bleez will have no part of the Lantern Corps of Love.

Did Bleez just call the Star Sapphires' rapists?

The Red Lanterns all return to Ysmault with blood offerings from the guilty they've killed all across the universe. The Battery is restored and the Red Lanterns have finally pulled it all together. They're ready to be an army and mete out punishment to the bastards of the universe.

Even widdle Dex Starr has an offewing. How cyute!

Red Lanterns #12 Rating: +1 Ranking. The first year of Red Lanterns seemed to wander a bit here and there. But reading the entire series again, I was surprised at how focused Atrocitus was throughout to get his army up and running and to begin punishing the unpunished. It's just that the Guardians tried to manipulate things so the Corps was destroyed. They failed and Abysmus let slip that they were behind it. I don't think the Red Lanterns will care much about the Guardians after this point. But it's nice to see that the blue guys were behind all this bullshit just like they're behind all the problems in the other Corps. I had my doubts that a comic about a bunch of raging psychopaths could work, but it's done fairly well. And I think it's place in the rankings at the end of one year at 19 of 52 is fairly accurate. A few titles still ranked beneath it are probably better books when looked at side by side. But since I admit my rankings are biased bullshit, things will stand as they are!

Superman #11

I want to know the secret of Superman's lower torso. No, not that secret! Look how fucked up it is on this cover!

Superman is a jerk. Last issue, Anguish stole a locket from the bank and Superman trashed downtown Metropolis trying to stop her. Even if she had stolen more than that, what's the point in endangering everyone downtown, smashing buildings, and destroying the streets?

I keep complaining about the plots where some charismatic person rallies the citizens against the superheroes. But then the writers do shit like this and I fucking have to agree with the charismatic troublemakers! I think Superman's motto is "Justice at any cost!"

And then Superman destroys a suburban neighborhood while saving the family of the man everything thinks is his secret identity. Perhaps Superman needs to learn to take a moment to think through the repercussions of his actions. He's definitely not acting noble or honorable right now. I think he's a little bit too far up his own ass to think clearly. He's doing anything to save the day so that Clark Kent can write a glowing article about how incredible Superman is and how the people of Metropolis should be thankful to have him before he decides to move to Oakland or San Francisco.

And now this issue, we get to learn about his suit! Oh joy! Just imagine a teenager walking through the comic book story looking for a cover to grab his attention and scream, "This is the comic you've been waiting for!" Now imagine him walking right past this comic and picking up the Alice in Wonderland comic where Alice has giant breasts and a short skirt. I don't mean to suggest that Superman needs giant breasts and a short skirt! But I do think another Superman comic book about his clothing isn't going to attract anyone except me and a few haberdashers.

The fascist bullyboy at work.

So after bitching about Superman being an asshole, this is how this issue begins. Those narration boxes might have some kind of meaning if Superman wasn't currently busting through the wall of some Russian Facility. Looks to me they aren't paranoid at all. They were simply preparing for the inevitable. You know they just sighed as Superman pounded down the wall to their installation and said, "Ну вот, опять."

Superman might have a good reason for breaking in on the Russians. I should probably continue reading this Dan Jurgen's Superman story from 1988 before jumping to any conclusions.

Superman has broken into the lab where all the scientists were slaughtered at the end of last issue. I don't know why Superman has come here to investigate. Perhaps his super hearing picked up the screams of the scientists as they said, "It is a pity that it has been said about Superman!" That's "Too bad we didn't tell Superman about this!" translated to Russian then Italian than Finnish and back to English. My assumption is that's how accurately Superman's Universal Translator translates everything into Kryptonian. Oh, and since Superman doesn't know Kryptonian, back into English.

"Oh thank you Superman! We now owe you everything! Here, let us suck your Kryptonian dick while fingering your asshole! Mmm! Mmm! Mm muph mu, Mupermam!"

A security officer catches Superman watching the security footage of the incident. He yells, "Stop it!" and it sends Superman into a flashback of a double date with Lois earlier in the night. It was actually a blind date with Superman set up with Lois's sister, Lucy. Lois was dating the douchebag Clark met in Issue one when the jerk answered Lois's door wearing only a towel.

At dinner, Lucy tries to get Clark to go bungee jumping with her and she hints that he might be afraid. He reacts by thinking, "Afraid?!" And then:

Clark Kent should show some trepidation towards the idea of bungee jumping. His secret identity only goes as far as people could never believe Clark Kent could be Superman. Just like Playboy Bruce Wayne keeps getting handled as if he should somehow be more caring in his secret identity. These modern comics with their newfangled takes on old fashioned ideas! Bah!

Everyone on the date is a field reporter except for Lois's sister. And they all get incoming messages on a disaster in Russia at the same time. I'm not sure why they all need to rush off (except for Clark!) to somehow get the scoop on a story in Russia, but run off they do!

Responsible journalism means paying the check before you run off to get your stupid scoop in Russia.

Back to the present, the Russian Guards and Superman have a short conversation in Russian. According to Superman's Universal Translation, the conversation went something like this:

Guard #1: "Stop it!"
Guard #2: "He is a murderess! Shoot him!"
Superman: "Not me, guys. You will be caught in the ocean."
Superman: "Now remove the toys, so you can solve this problem."
Guard #1: "The melting point?"

When the guns and the bad translations don't solve the problem, Ivan the Security Guy calms everyone down and tells Superman what's going on in English.

Could they have found the fascist Superman from the parallel Earth in Action Comics?

Superman tracks the creature to a small town near a nuclear reactor. All of the military personnel sent after the creature have been killed. All of the civilians in town are dead. Even the all the pets have been murdered! And then the creature begins beating up Superman! What kind of alien lifeform could manage this?!

Remember how I joked about this story being from 1988? Nailed it!

I was also just lamenting the loss of DC's invented alien font and now the Predators shows up speaking Old Portugese [sic]! Except he speaks a dialect where the letters are all reversed and he speaks back to front. Predator is saying, "Garters and stars." Perhaps he's looking for some sex kitten starlets?

Why has Superman retained the use of the New 52 Alien font when it has always been the worst at it. It would be nice if the creatures actually said things that related to the story instead of vomiting nonsense in cryptic letters. So far the letterer of Superman has used this font to say things like "This is gibberish" and "bazinga." So I'm really looking forward to more of this inane blathering coming from the mouth of the Predator!

The Predator says, "Tommyrot," just before throwing some device on Superman which short circuits Superman and his suit. It's possible it might also allow the Predator to control Superman since Superman's last thought was that it was a kind of wireless device waiting for transmissions to tell it what to do.

I think the Editor's Note at the end is less about Superman being dead so they won't have another issue and more about DC pulling the plug on this comic.

Predator has just taken out Superman so you'd think he probably has something pretty amazing to say, right? Let's find out together!

Predator: "Bazinga." [Oh just fucking kill me now]
Predator: "Bippity boppity boo." [This stuff should have been used in the movie!]
Predator: "Waheela!!!"

Superman #11 Rating: -2 Ranking. I will not stand for the Predator taking out Superman and then hollering, "Bazinga!" Fucking cunts. I wonder if Jurgens was running late on producing a script and he just dug out his script for a Predator/Superman proposal that DC passed on. One thing that was nice about this issue was that the cover didn't spoil the surprise! Which is really fucking weird considering a cover with Superman versus the Predator would get the exact opposite reaction from the teenaged boy I imagined earlier. Well, it would have 20 years ago! And I should be pissed by the bait and switch, right?

Haberdasher #1: "What the fuck?! One page about Superman's suit forming from nanites when he needs to don it? And that's it? The rest is...what is this? Predator? Go copulate yourself, DC!"
Haberdaher #2: "Right on, my brother!"
Me: "Come on, guys. Can you finish describing what your characters are wearing so we can begin the adventure into White Plume Mountain?"

I, Vampire #11

Why is that one zombie wearing a trucker's cap? Was one of the Van Helsings a hipster?

While Andrew Bennett and Mary fight what are apparently mummies and not zombies like I assumed last issue (I guess once they died, the magical amulets removed their organs, stuffed them with crocodile dung, and duct taped their outsides (you know, the traditional way of making mummies (what the fuck do I know?))), I think I'll take a moment to muse about the internet.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I say "muse"? I meant muck! Muck about the internet. You didn't think I was actually going to formulate some kind of coherent thought about the internet, did you? Maybe something along the lines of how much time I just wasted zipping from link to link with little memory of the things I just experienced? That isn't exactly true this time I disappeared (which you wouldn't have even known about had I not made a big deal about it). I was just checking out some of the early pictures from Curiosity's landing. I listened to the landing last night on Coast to Coast while heading to work but that was pretty anti-climactic. Can't a fucking radio station change their breaks around a bit when they realize the confirmation of Curiosity's landing (I say "confirmation" due to the 14 minute delay between actual events and what we received) will take place while they're away during their regularly scheduled advertising? Fucking jerks.

I also scanned my Tumblr feed, of course. Lots of animated gifs and monster girls. I don't follow many Tumblr blogs but the ones I do follow, I try to keep varied. Lots of different viewpoints. I might start following more comic book blogs once I'm caught up on The New 52. I currently only have 15 left in the unread stack. Holy hell! Perhaps I should finish this Mummy/Vampire fight already so I can then read Superman and finally begin reading comics the week they came out!

So, let's see who was winning. I hope the Mummies at least kill Mary. I've grown bored with her since the extent of Andrew and Mary's relationship seems to be that they love each other but they have different ethical and moral viewpoints which keep them from experiencing happiness.

The Mummy/Vampire fight just continues on in the background of the comic book as Andrew yells at Van Helsing and Mary yells at Andrew and Van Helsing gloats and grabs his crotch. So surfing the internet was more interesting.

Meanwhile, Tig manages to cut through her bonds with the razor blade she uses to cut herself while weeping the bathtub (presumably). She hits the autopilot button on the plane and then unties Professor John. But the plane still "crashes". I put crashes in quotes because it actually makes a really good landing. But Tig and John survive only to notice a bomb in the back of the plane. Tig sees the bomb when it has one second left on the countdown and they she yells for John to run. And then the plane blows up.

I'm sure they're okay.

I would have shown at least 10 to 15 seconds on the bomb to have Tig and Professor John survive. Or (and this is actually a better idea) have them put on Anubis necklaces to survive. Now Andrew can run around with his Mummy Squad solving mysteries. Maybe that's too close to Frankenstein, Agent of Shade.

Andrew isn't very pleased with this news. He tells Van Helsing exactly how he feels.

As Mary looks on lovingly.

Tig and Professor John show up wielding swords. John stops Andrew from killing Van Helsing because he doesn't want Andrew to give in to his base vampire nature. He stops him by killing him himself. I guess everybody gets to be morally ambiguous when friends' lives are in danger.

And the reason why one of the zombies on the cover has a trucker cap is because one of the Van Helsing mummies heads into town for reinforcements. I guess these mummies have zombie biting powers which turn their victims into other mummies. You know, the way zombies usually always do and mummies never do. But I'll stick with Andrew's designation that they're mummies. Even if he started calling them zombies too. I just like mummies better.

Oh! And now he's correcting Tig even though Andrew just said that thing in that panel up above about "before you turn into a zombie."

Geez. Reading this comic book is like playing video games on an old Apple IIe with an amber display.

Some of the vampires bit the mummies and then were infected with the Van Helsing curse and became Vampire Hunters as well as Vampires. I suppose if one of them put on an amulet and was killed, then it would become a Vampire Mummy Vampire Hunter Zombie. But whatever combination of creature any of the people on the battlefield are, Andrew Bennett gives everyone the go ahead to kill anything that moves. Except, you know, each other. Bennett freezes the battlefield. Mary and Tig go about killing things and John collects amulets. Meanwhile, the Mummy that escaped into town to find reinforcements has done a pretty decent job.

Vampire Hunter Mummy Zombie Rednecks with Shotguns!

I, Vampire #11 Rating: No change. I'm slowly losing interest in this comic book. I blame the Justice League Dark crossover for fucking up the pacing and throwing the comic in a completely new direction.

The Savage Hawkman #11

Why does Hawkman have on white gloves? Is that a normal part of his costume I've missed up until this point? Was he butlering before transforming?

Last issue, I invented the super villain "Tic Tac Foe." If anybody steals that name, they'll live to regret it! Not because I'll do anything to them but because everybody will laugh at the stupid super villain they made. I'm the only one that can make him entertaining! I made myself laugh while rereading my commentary on Hawkman #10 when I said, "Fist! Center Square!" Tic Tac Foe, I love you!

Carter Hall and Emma decided to travel the world researching Nth Metal. I guess Emma's job and life and family and friends will be okay until she gets back. No use letting anybody know you're on the run. At least drop work a postcard saying you're taking a few sick days.

Before I opened The Savage Hawkman #11, I wondered, "What in-depth lesson will Liefeld and Bennett be teaching me this month?" And I wasn't disappointed! Let's learn about Rome the Eternal City, shall we?

Hawkman fans should be rioting in the streets because of this awful tripe apathetically fed to them each month.

It's hard to believe that while enjoying the sights and sounds of Rome that anything scandalous could ever have happened there! But if you squint just right while enjoying a glass of wine in the little corner cafe, you might catch a glimpse of the Black Iron Prison underneath. You'll suddenly realize that nothing has ever changed and Christians are still being persecuted by power hungry tyrants and barbarians are waiting just beyond the gates. You'll feel the shackles turning your wrists into shredded, bloody pulp. The crack of an invisible whip will sting your cheek and then rough, calloused hands will begin to poke and grope at your nether regions. The vomit will spew forth across the tiny patio and you'll topple out of your chair. The server will tsk loudly and mutter under his breath, "Americano."

Or, you know, maybe the city just "has its share of scandals and secrets." Whatever.

Carter and Emma are in Rome to see a priest. He's not just any priest, mind you!

My guess is Liefeld's entire job plotting this comic was, "Hey! Angels have wings! Hawkman has wings! Do something with that! And make sure Hawkman fights some guy with Saint in his name. Cool. Now I have to get back to drawing more lines on Slade Wilson's face. He's just not grim enough yet."

Hawkman shows the scandalous priest with secrets Roman priest a document that he believes represents a connection between heaven and earth. The priest takes a look at it and spews inanity so beautiful that it must be divinely inspired.

"You know, Signor Hawkman, my study of history has provided me with the knowledge that ancient texts are rumored to exist! Now, I have ancient texts speaking of ancient texts. And all these subjects I mentioned that are spoken of in the ancient texts of the Bible, supposedly ancient texts exist that speak of these things! History tells us many things, you know! Sometimes if you get history drunk, history will tell you many secret and scandalous things as well! Did you know that bloodsports were rumored to have begun with the Etruscans? It's true! Also, history long tells us that hawks are birds of prey!"

I'm pretty sure I could write a better Hawkman story five minutes before blacking out from drinking too much whisky. And I'd do it while shitting my pants and crying. Let me make a future project note here: "Write Hawkman script while maudlin, shitting, and on the verge of oblivion."

After showing the priest his documents, Carter Hall suggests that angels and other heavenly creatures were really aliens. Instead of disagreeing politely and having a rational discussion like you'd expect from someone interested in knowledge and research, the priest becomes an instant cliche.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Calm down, Signorant! Ha ha! See what I did there, Emma? Signor and ignorant? Whew. Too funny."

Who is the priest's protector? Well, if you looked at the front cover, you won't be surprised to find it's St. Bastion! He's a bastion of inflamed ignorance.

"By the virgin's tears, St. Bastion! The door! Use the God almighty door! Christ."

As St. Bastion crashes to the ground, Carter Hall explains to new readers how his schtick works. How many issues in do we have to get in a series before all the explanatory narration boxes disappear? Will Issue 48 still explain how the Nth Metal manifests into powerful armor and wings and weapons which turns Carter Hall into Hawkman? I meant that theoretically since there's no way this series will survive the Fourth Wave. I also meant it generically since every title in The New 52 feels the need to over explain every little thing as if they expect new readers are jumping on each title every month as opposed to the actual numbers that show readers simply dropping more and more titles each month.
But I guess explanatory notes are better than having to read Carter Hall say things like this:

With Nth Metal, I don't start fights, I finish them!

Psst. Mr. Poulton. Or Mr. Liefeld. The semicolon. It is a friend!

Hawkman tells Emma, "Take cover! I'll handle this." It was really 50/50 whether he'd ask for her help to battle this guy or not. She should actually get into a fist fight with the priest!

Emma: "It's been a long time since my last confession, Father! But I must confess, I've been dying to punch you!"
Priest: "I'm sorry to hear that, child! I recommend five Hail Marys and a knuckle sandwich!"
Emma: "I didn't order take out! I hope your jaw takes refunds!"
Priest: "You just bounced your last check! Let's see how your head bounces off the baptismal font!"
Emma: "When I'm through with you, you're going to have to be born again!"
Priest: "HOW DARE YOU! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU, YOU BRING THAT SHIT INTO MY CATHOLIC SANCTUARY!"

Comics are so easy to write when quality doesn't fucking matter!

St. Bastion declares that he wears the "Armor of God." This causes Hawkman to think Narration Box:

Armor of God versus Armor of the Gods. Is this even a fair fight?

I don't know! Does Hawkman think it's not a fair fight because his Armor has multiple Gods behind it (which I don't even understand. Since when did Nth Metal become the "Armor of Gods"? Or does he mean nothing can stand up to the armor of the "one true Jewish Christian God"? Hawkman thinks this while getting kicked across the church, so maybe he believes in God Almighty. It's hard to tell since he's still suffering from a fledgling personality. Ha ha!

Well, at least I got the fight I asked for! Although not as stupidly entertaining as the scene I wrote.

"Transubstantiate this, motherfucker!"

It's about here, eight pages in, that the comic book wins. My brains begin to liquify. I feel a twitch in my right eye that will remain for weeks. I continue to read but I'm paralyzed by too many choices. What do I comment on? Do I scan every one of Hawkman's horrible Narration Boxes? Maybe it's time to just use blockquotes and comment on each of those? Maybe if I just take small steps, I can make it through. First, let me start with the exact moment where my brain began to slushify.

Yeah, I understand his anger to. Because the appropriate response when somebody says something that contradicts your beliefs is to kill the fuck out of them.

After a lot of pummeling and use of the word "beast", St. Bastion gets the upper hand. He has Hawkman pinned to the ground when Hawkman actually does a little Narration Boxing that I agree with.

Here's the thing with religious zealots: they usually twist their opponents words from what they are actually saying to the "truth" they wish their opponent had actually said.

My high school friend Soy Rakelson (remember him from previous commentaries? Name changed to protect my innocence?) had this bizarre tactic where he would try to get the other person to use the word "evil." Once the word came up, he would simply get into his automated argument locomotive about if evil exists than a devil exists thus God exists. Or something. I learned early on to derail this stupid train by shouting loudly that I didn't think of "evil" in the same way he did and I was truly fucking sorry that I even ever mentioned the word. Anyway, Hawkman continues even though he should have quit while he was making sense:

They're blind in their unwillingness to see the other's side which inevitably leaves them susceptible, leading to their eventual downfall.

Now, the silly thing about this Narration Boxing is that it parallels the fight scene where St. Bastion has the other hand but somehow Hawkman turns it around and beats the crap out of St. Bastion. Is the Narration Boxing supposed to explain how Hawkman turned it around? Is St. Bastion's fighting style equatable to his methods of debate? I don't know. It's really just Liefeld's way of turning a fight around. He did it last issue in Hawkman's fight against Xerxes as well. Xerxes had the upper hand and then Hawkman started Narration Boxing about history or something and voila! Hawkman suddenly had the upper hand!

Hawkman takes Emma and the scrolls (which apparently weren't even the original scrolls anyway?) and leaves the church to burn. He then continues with the Narration Boxing because Liefeld doesn't actually know how to tell a story via the medium of comic books. Notice I'm scanning or blockquoting mostly the Narration Boxes? Because they're what's driving the story. The artwork really isn't needed. Which makes this a shitty comic book.

He can't even keep his point of view straight! "I'm" to "their"! Fuck me.

Besides the switch from first to third person in those boxes, Hawkman realizes the same thing he realized last issue (because these last two issues were basically the exact same story): Without the Nth metal, he'd be dead! Guess what, you moron! It's the Nth Metal that's causing all the attacks on your life. So without the Nth Metal, you'd be alive and back in New York watching television. It reminds me of the time Ricky Gervais on The Daily Show talking about a man who was in a car accident. A pipe shot through the car and pierced the man's fat so that, luckily, no internal organs were hit. The man thanked his fat for saving his life. Ricky pointed out, of course, that if the guy were skinny, the pipe would have passed right by him and missed him completely!

I also identified with Ricky's story because my Roller Playing Game (it's "Roller" playing game because you roll dice, jerk!), Places and Predators, has a class called The Fat Guy. He gets the Special Skill "Blubber" that lets him reduce all damage by 1-6 points because no vital organs were hit. I created that Skill and Class before hearing Ricky's story, by the way. Just to keep that clear!

After Hawkman lands, he's shot through the chest by Pike. Remember Pike? He was tailing them last issue making Love Boat and Gilligan's Island references. And once again, Hawkman thanks the Nth Metal for saving his life because the bullet would have killed him otherwise. Except, you know, ad nauseum, rinse repeat, Hawkman wouldn't have been shot if not for the Nth Metal.

The Savage Hawkman #11 Rating: -1 Ranking. I'd give it -2 if that wouldn't drop it down to Rank #53! This comic book is jizz dripping down a rest stop bathroom wall. 'Nuff said!