Voodoo #11

Seriously though. The Romans conquered Europa? I think Josh Williamson might have a slight reading comprehension problem.

Writing commentary on a comic book I'm currently reading is quite different from writing an actual essay or a piece of fiction. It's a little bit like free falling. At times I'm nervous because I don't have feel like I'll have anything to say. And sometimes I prove that! But with a normal piece of writing, you can set up outlines and work through drafts and edit and change and restructure. You can plan. But then I also know that when I pick up a comic written by Rob Liefeld or Scott Lobdell, I'm going to have plenty of material to comment on. It's the really good books that are the main problem.
Voodoo is not a good book. It's been mostly mediocre with some really surprising bad plot points. Voodoo's characterization has been all over the place and the title itself was basically rebooted halfway through! But I think it might be getting better. I hope it might be getting better. Actually, it doesn't fucking matter if it's getting better since it's been cancelled as of Issue #12.

This issue begins with Voodoo using her stripping to defeat the Centurions. No, you shut up! It's true!

She's right! In stripping and fighting, shirts come off almost immediately!

Of course, she did say "dancing." But since she was a stripper, I know she actually means "stripping." Because all strippers refer to their job as dancing. And since Voodoo has never actually done any dancing except the kind with the pole and the tassels and the dollar bills, she's talking about stripping.

"Those first few nights of stripping were bloodbaths!"

While she's thinking about her comparison, she's dodging the Centurions as they try to grab her. Just like at the strip club! She's totally right!

Another big distinction is the spitting blood and teeth!

I know another girl who'd agree with Priscilla on the dance fighting technique!

"Touch the butt!"

Meanwhile, Priscilla (you know, the good version of Voodoo) and her crew of Black Razor misfits are busy with their own road trip hijinks not too far from the Centurion battle.

How is Priscilla going to fight? She wasn't trained by Daemonites or Strippers?!

Lincoln tries to keep the joking to a minimum but it's tough with a crew ignorant of space and language.

You're on the right "moon" and it's "thanks" to Pris. Dumbasses.

The Black Razors continue to get all Space Marine on the Space Orks while Priscilla recovers enough to sprout wings and fly after Voodoo. I think they might work through their differences and become besties! Walker chases after her while Lincoln and Skvarla head over to another crashed ship to salvage parts. Magnus and Flynn continue to shoot Space Orks.

Interlude: Whatever happened to the special font DC was using to depict alien languages? You know the one! The one identified as "Old Portugese" [sic] in Swamp Thing #5? I haven't seen it for months now!

Voodoo leads the Centurions into the group of Space Orks and chaos ensues. I guess the Space Orks were too stupid to ever lure the Centurions away from the entrance to the Blue Flame. Or maybe whoever built the Centurions was too stupid to program them to not be tricked so easily! Their whole purpose is to guard the Blue Flame, not chase people around Europa.

Meanwhile, back with the Razors, Lincoln and Skvarla return to the battle with their parts only to witness Flynn and Magnus's final joke.

Ha ha! Hilarious!

Last commentary, I didn't think Williamson would kill any of the Black Razors. But I did say I felt like two of them were going to die. So I was sort of half right.

Priscilla and Alex Walker make their way to the Space Orks being massacred by the Centurions. Mol Stone, mortally wounded, mistakes Pris for Voodoo. But not for long! He smells her virginity and asks if she also was sent by Helspont. Alex Walker tells him they have been sent by Helspont and, hey buddy, could you give us a hand. And then even though Mol Stone just approached Pris thinking she was Voodoo, he tells them this:

"I saw her run into the temple and then I saw you and thought you were her but since you smell all pure and prudish, I realized you can't be her and so she must be in the temple where I just saw her go before I thought you were her also. Cut a mortally wounded brother some slack, wouldja?"

Pris enters the temple because the Centurions are the most powerful, worst guards ever. She catches up to Voodoo just as Voodoo is about to get The Blue Flame which will allow whoever wields it to rule the UNIVERSE! Yes, that's right. THE MOTHER FUCKING UNIVERSE! No problem, right? With the proper set-up, maybe a Wormhole Express, a person can keep tabs on his entire universal domain, right? What do you do when you rule the Universe? What more is there? "NOW I WILL CONQUER THE WHOLE OF TIME! BWA HA HA HA!" Ruler of the Universe really just sounds like a pompous, useless title. I can't even imagine how you do it! And my imagination is practically as good as a pre-schooler's!

With dialogue like that, it's a real shame this title is concluding.

Voodoo #11 Rating: No change. This certainly is not the best title in the New 52, as a commenter to my commentaries thought it was. But it's also not one of the worst. Overall, it just never found its footing and it really read like two different stories about two different characters named Voodoo with the change in writers. I won't be sad to see it end.

Justice League Dark #11

I see John's wearing Etrigan's armor but I can't place the Staff or the Amulet.

Abenezer, Rath, and Ghast manage to break Faust out of his cell and bring him the Tesseract. Steve Trevor hangs on long enough for Justice League Dark to arrive and save his ass. A lot of magical fighting goes on for quite a few pages until Constantine convinces Trevor to let him into the Black Room and gather some weapons to help defeat Faust and his demons. They trudge off to The Black Room while Zatanna and Deadman hold off Faust. I'm not sure how Deadman can help. Crack jokes?

Meanwhile, Madame Xanadu is on the hunt for the one person that can use the Books of Magic and not be corrupted.

That's a fat ass skateboard.

Apparently Constantine, Zatanna, and Xanadu tried to teach Timothy Hunter a while back but failed. Tim chose to go back to his normal life. Now Xanadu must find him and kidnap him back into the world of magic to take on the responsibility of the Books of Magic. She finds him but he just might not be worth kidnapping anymore.

I hope he gave his magic away to Kid Devil!

Meanwhile, back at ARGUS, Deadman is proving just as useful as I imagined!

Can't Zatanna say something like, "ekam eht tsohg laeroproc"?

It doesn't matter anyway. Deadman gets sucked away to a temporary vacation to the Land of the Dead and Zatanna is knocked unconscious. But the rest of Justice League Dark return from The Black Room before any permanent damage is done. Constantine appears with the left arm of Etrigan's armor, Merlin's Staff, and a glowing sword. He also has a satchel around his neck which probably contains some other goodies.

One of those goodies is The Skeleton Key which can open anything. Constantine brought it with him and manages to get the Tesseract away from Faust when Faust become distracted by a two headed dragon tattoo on Constantine's wrist. Faust recognizes it and thinks it means John is connected to someone. Constantine doesn't have any idea what he's on about. Maybe the tattoo represents Hunter's power given over to John? Whatever the case, John opens the map and discovers where the books are. But at that moment, he's attacked, betrayed by Dr. Mist.

So Dr. Mist and Felix Faust were working together to find the Books of Magic. Seems odd since they've been arch-rivals for thousands of years! I guess that's what makes it such a surprise to Constantine. Whatever! The Justice League Dark have been defeated and Faust and Dr. Mist have the open map to the Books of Magic. But since Constantine also knows where they are, I imagine it'll now be a Wacky Races type road trip to beat each other to the books.

Justice League Dark #11: No change. Minus points for having a team member (okay, okay. He's not really a team member!) suddenly betray the others. Especially since, historically, Faust and Dr. Mist are bitter rivals.

The Fury of Firestorm #11

"Touch it! TOUCH IT!"

Throughout my commentaries, I had been joking around that Jason Rusch had a crush on Ronnie Raymond and that Ronnie probably felt the same way but was still hiding behind his masculine football persona. But last issue, I decided to embrace the fact that this comic book was a romance and it had been the whole time. When viewed in this context, the entire comic book takes on a new and more entertaining, more emotional perspective.

See? This romance isn't just in my mind. These two are lost without each other and even Ronnie now fears where it all will end if they can't reconcile.

Having been doing Firestorm's know what behind the scenes for a few issues, the ladies at Zithertech are now realizing they have a closet full of problems. The nations they've provided Rogue Firestorms to are beginning to have doubts about the project. And Zithertech is having doubts about Ronnie and Jason, Firestorms they did not create and they now have no control over.

Back in Pakistan, Ronnie seems to have grown his arm back (or at least is capable of maintaining a nuclear arm) and Rakshasi has joined with him and Pozhar. At the end of last issue, Ronnie was demanding answers from both of these Firestorms but unless a flashback happens soon, I guess they ignored his demands because they're busy fighting another batch of Rogue Firestorms.

How has the Earth not been destroyed twenty times over with all of these fucking Rogue Firestorms everywhere?

Meanwhile, Firehawk and Jasonstorm are exploring an old Russian base where the Rogue Firestorm Protocol was first stolen. It's a Russian base and, I think, Pozhar's which probably explains why Rakshasi sees a similarity between Pozhar's energy signature and the Rogue's.

How cute! He calls Ronnie his other half.

I really should reread this entire series. I don't know if Zithertech is behind all of the Rogue Firestorms or if they just sell the American version while Pozhar's Russian Version was stolen and is being used to create unstable Firestorms. But I'll save rereading the series for a year end look at it and how well the romance theme holds up.

Jasonstorm wanders off following some Alpha Particles that are suddenly speaking to him while Firehawk makes a discovery about the Zithertech Firestorms while searching through Pozhar's files. The Alpha Particles turn out to be Professor Stein and he has a warning for Jasonstorm.

Professor Stein, Matchmaker.

The warning is that Ronniestorm has some special connection to the Quantum Field. Stein is worried that Ronnie is going to be used for ill by Pozhar. So Stein gives Jasonstorm another Firestorm Protocol and tells him that a second exposure to the Firestorm Protocol will "negate" the Firestorm.

Translation: The Quantum Field is being a fucking cunt.

Whatever Firehawk found out about Zithertech remains a mystery as Jasonstorm ditches her to rescues Ronniestorm. Meanwhile, Ronniestorm had a date with Pozhar in the Quantum Field.

I would have guessed this Firestorm merger would have been called Anal Rape.

The Fury of Firestorm: The Nuclear Men #11 Rating: No change. There's a bit much going on. But shedding a few characters like Firehawk and Rakshasi while getting Jason and Ronnie back together should help.

The Flash #11

Wasn't Heatwave one of the Masters of Disaster from Batman and the Outsiders?

Barry Allen is dead. So is Clark Kent! Is this a new trend in Super Heroics? Forget the secret identity and just go super hero full time. But Flash isn't like Superman. Superman can go without eating or drinking or breathing or defecating for months. The Flash actually needs to eat ten to twenty times as much as a normal person. How is he going to afford that lifestyle? Is he just going to steal everything he needs since he's doing everyone a service saving their asses? I imagine he'll figure out he needs Barry sooner or later.

Barry Allen (Not Barry Allen?) has moved from Central City to The Keys in Keystone City where all of the criminals live. Nice to know the city has a place set aside just for them. He figures nobody will recognize him in the poor part of town and he can get a job and live in some decrepit apartment building. But first he needs a job so he can pay for the hundreds of tacos he eats every day. He uses the stupid power that I can't stand that lets him somehow see the different future of every possible choice he can make.

I hate that stupid power! The essence of it is that he can speed up his mind and use it like a Quantum Computer, seeing every single future possibility and then picking the one which best suits his needs. But just thinking fast doesn't let you see the fucking future, you stupid pricks! Also, thinking fast actually needs to be part of his super power or else he can't make decisions or see things or speak when running at super speeds. He would just be deaf and dumb and blind and instantly run into a wall.

Anyway, he finds a job at a saloon thanks to his stupid precognitive ability.

Least imaginative bartender ever!

Meanwhile, Flash's old friend, Dr. Elias, is on a media campaign denouncing super heroes. Yay. Another Glorious Godfrey/Superfail nutjob making comic books more boring and cliche. Who watches the Watchmen, motherfuckers! I'm pretty sure Watchmen was the final word on this whole society versus super hero motif.

Barry and Leonard (Captain Cold) are hanging out together at the bar watching Elias on television. Barry's job at this bar which seems to have a tradition of super villains drinking here allows him to keep an ear on underbelly of Keystone City. He's hoping to find out who's been burning down a bunch of buildings in the area. He and Captain Cold seem to be hitting it off a little bit since neither one of them is happy with Dr. Elias's crusade against super powered people. They commiserate and share a few drinks.

No, wait, that's me and a Cabbage Patch Kid.

That's better. Forget that picture of me cosplaying Captain Cold with The Flash as my hostage.

Just as The Flash is becoming good friends with Captain Cold, Heatwave busts in looking for Leonard. Heatwave blames Captain Cold for the burnt look and the pot belly stove.

Okay, so the furnace is actually in his chest. But I wish it were in his belly so the joke would work.

Barry gets tossed out the window which gives him a chance to return as The Flash. He doesn't know what they're arguing about but he ends the skirmish by running around them in circles and pulling the oxygen from the air. Once they pass out, the cops arrive and haul them off to Iron Heights prison. Seems Barry's precog power found him just the right job working at a Rogue's Gallery drinking establishment so he can keep an eye on things.

As for Cold and Heatwave's problem with each other, they work it out on the way to prison.

And with a little help from Cold's sister, looks like they'll be taking a detour away from Iron Heights. Along with Weather Wizard, looks like Lisa is collecting quite the Rogue's Gallery.

The Flash #11 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic reminds me of reading comics thirty years ago before I ever picked any title up continuously, a time when I could find a box of old comics in the paper recycling picked up by my grandfather. I didn't need to know the history of anyone. I just enjoyed reading about Nick Fury, Agent of SHIELD, or The Incredible Hulk, or even Archie. This comic has that kind of a feel. Like I could pick this single issue off of the rack at the drugstore and enjoy it on its own. Except it also has a modern sensibility and feel for continuity if you wanted to continue reading the series. I like it a lot.

Teen Titans #11

Can we please get a different writer to give us the origin of Wonder Girl?

Forget last issue. Lobdell was probably rifling through his old Dungeons and Dragons Modules when he came across X1: The Isle of Dread and thought, "An island full of dinosaurs? That would literally make an amazing comic!" And then he got out his purple crayon, wrote the script in fifteen minutes, and then jerked off on his own face in celebration.

And now Lobdell gets to give Wonder Girl her origin for the New 52. I can't imagine the Wonder Girl fans are going to be very happy about this. Even in my wildest imagination I can't come up with a story that will probably be worse than this. Maybe my pal and professional author, Grunion Guy, can?

The Origin of Wonder Girl
By Grunion Guy

Once upon a time, a woman was making a pot out of clay (I think that's what you make pots out of. If pots are actually made from bricks or mortar or something, an editor can fix that when this story is published). She names the pot "Cassandra Sandstrom" because she misspelled "sandstorm" and because she didn't know that Wonder Girl's name was going to be Sandsmark! Cassandra is a funny name because it has the word "ass" in it. So that could be her nickname and it probably will be when she gets to elementary school. Unless the woman who was an Amazon decides to home school her at home.

The day that the pot was drying in the drying hole, all of the Amazons were running around packing gift shipments because it was the day after Greek Thanksgiving unless it was the Monday after Greek Thanksgiving because one of those days is the busiest internet shopping day of the year and it kept the Amazons really busy. So the pot was drying like I mentioned earlier and suddenly it thought, "I wonder if I am a pot or a little girl?"

And that was how Cassandra Skidsmark became Wonder Girl!

The Origin and The End Both at the Same Time!

Thanks, Grunion Guy! Now if you could just get Insectorama to draw it, you could probably sell that fucker to DC.

I may be biased but I already prefer Grunion Guy's story.

The comic begins with Lobdell making sure you realize exactly how much pain Cassie is in constantly. I can see Scott Lobdell pitching the idea to the DC Editors: "Nobody has hurt like this for three thousand years! Fuck, dude! What was that pussy Christ complaining about? Fucking jew! And all those fucking whining bitches in the Inquisition? Nothing! Sitting on the anal rape chair with your ball sack in a vice? Candy canes by comparison! Having your intestines pulled out and stuffed with marshmallows and chocolate while roasted over flames that could turn metal molten? Elementary school recess! This bitch is in real pain, mother fuckers! She isn't losing her mind from this pain! She's losing her...WAIT FOR IT...motherfucking fucking motherfucking soul!"

Maybe I overstepped the boundaries of decorum by suggesting that Lobdell would call Christ a "fucking jew"! But then again, maybe I'm being kind! Actually, I've seen video of Lobdell answering "fan" questions and my characterization of him was filled with way too much passion. Unless you fall asleep while reading it, I've missed the mark of a Scott Lobdell characterization.

When did my readings of comics written by Scott Lobdell just turn into giant character assassination pieces?!

Oh, get this! This issue is called "Wonder Wonder Who." Fucking jerk. This asshole just cannot resist using lyrics as the titles of his stories. At least up until now, he's really just been doing that in Red Hood and the Outlaws (which I don't think I've ever mentioned. There's already so much to complain about!). But seriously, he starts off with that rant about how much pain Cassie is in. The first page is a full page of Cassie curled up in the corner by a smashed mirror and grimacing like a Liefeld character. And then underneath all of this pain and angst, WONDER WONDER WHO. "Ha ha! Get it? It's from that song that most of my fucking readers will have never heard in their lives! And it's kind of whimsical so of course it doesn't go along with the theme of pain at all! But if you happen to know the song, it evokes the idea of Love which is what Cassie is all about, right?! So maybe I better remember to include a strong love as redemption and worth the pain of keeping the armor theme! I bet I don't remember to do that!"

Anyway, as the omniscient narrator tells the reader, "Twenty feet away on the other side of the bathroom door" (which makes for a really thick door or quite the luxurious bathroom), the Teen Titans are fighting Beast with a rat tail.

I would have gone with "Take your vitamins, kids!"

The yelling and the commotion and the breaking furniture and Kid Flash breaking the sound barrier, none of that alerts Wonder Girl to the villain breaking into Red Robin's penthouse apartment. But when the television crashes through the wall, it snaps her out of her emo timeout. Instead of turning her deep feels into a cutting fest, she turns them all on beating the crap out of Faux Beast (with the rat tail!).

I'm guessing a high percentage of Lobdell's readers are wondering why this guy named himself after failing artillery.

Bad story short: Bunker picked up some guy on DC's version of Craigslist, blindfolded, and brought him back to the apartment. This guy turned out to be Lose Cannon (I'm sure that's what he meant by Loose Cannon, right? It was the internet version of Lose so I'm translating) but Wonder Girl stopped him by letting him steal her power. It shorted him out and he passed out in the bay where Cassie left him to drown, I guess.

I should probably clarify that Bunker put up an ad seeking heroes to join the Titans and not in that other section where you pick up "heroes" to "join" your "team".

Because Cassie called forth the power of her armor, Naked Evil Mystical Dick Grayson has finally pinpointed her, probably for nefarious purposes.

Does it always have to be about the end of the world? Can't it just be about the end of Wonder Girl?

Meanwhile, Superboy is hanging out in this comic book because his is just as terrible but lonelier.

If this dumb chick who thinks wearing a Superman shirt and having a Superman tattoo is a fetish is one of the "regular people", just fucking end the world now. Push the fucking button.

Superboy is brand new to the world so he probably doesn't realize that judging everybody based on one dumb New Yorker isn't the best way to go about things. But it's as good excuse as any to have him ditch his date to go save the Titans when Naked Dick Grayson knocks out the power to their building so he can catch Wonder Girl.

Kid Flash runs to the basement to check on the fuse when the power goes out. He's punched in the face by Evil Dick Grayson but manages to run back up to the penthouse before passing out. And immediately afterward, the knob on the door starts turning. So Naked Evil Dick Grayson has superspeed. He must, right? He just followed directly behind Kid Flash from the basement to the penthouse. Also, Solstice feels like explaining how her relationship with Kid Flash didn't actually come out of nowhere like it actually did.

Of course! Why bother showing their relationship evolve across ten issues when you can just drop one speech bubble to explain how it was happening all along. Especially since it was Bunker and Solstice who were doing all of the bonding.

Solstice recognizes the intruder as Cassie but she's never actually shown during the fight. The fight is just as bad as any of Lobdell's writing. Here's some of the dialogue exactly as it appears in the comic:

Possibly Cassie: "You're going to stop me? That is almost adorable."
Solstice: "I smile a lot, yes--because I am a happy person. But do not mistake that for weakness, Wonder Girl."

What. The. Fuck.

Possibly Cassie: "The armor was forged in the heart of the sun, Solstice. There is not a power on Earth that can scratch it--let alone melt it."
Solstice: "That's a mistake a lot of people make, Wonder Girl."
Possibly Cassie: "What's that?"
Solstice: "Thinking my power comes from this world."

Really? A lot of people have made that mistake? All, what? Six or seven you've met since being turned into Solstice? As if you even know where the fuck your power comes from yourself! Fuck you, Lobdell! The page ends after that statement as if Solstice is somehow going to get the upper hand after that revelation. But then Superboy and Red Robin arrive on the scene to find this:

Okay, so I guess it was Cassie. I don't know what happened to Evil Naked Spiky Dick Grayson.

And apparently Lobdell can't even write a 20 page story anymore. Red Hood has been running short to shove an uninteresting Essence story in the back. And now this story went fifteen pages and features a Fabian Nicieza and Jorge Jimenez backup entitled "WHEN DINOSAURS WALKED THE EARTH!" Just in case, you know, you haven't quite gotten enough of dinosaurs yet.

Three dinosaur-teenager hybrids wander out from Danny the Alley into China Town where they immediately cause chaos. Their names are Steg, Dac, and Teryx. They're looking for adventure and fortune cookies! Kid Flash just happens to be walking out of a restaurant with some noodles when he notices the chaos and thinks, "...if I had common sense, I wouldn't get involved. Luckily for all the boys and girls watching at home, I don't." Fuck you, Kid Flash! You aren't on a fucking television show.

The saddest part about this story is that it is going to be continued in DC Universe Presents #12! Well, I did call that DCUP #12 would be a one-shot. But I didn't think it would be taken over by a piece of shit story about teenaged dinosaur people with no motivation. Were these characters simply thought up with eyes on a lousy Saturday Morning Cartoon? My guess is DC Universe Presents will drop a few ranks next issue!

Teen Titans #11 Rating: -1 Ranking. It's really sad that the Teen Titans have such a shit book with a fucking hack writer at the helm. I wonder if Scott Lobdell will manage to kill the franchise and everybody's interest in the Titans?

Aquaman #11

The Decapitation of Black Manta!

Last issue, we learned are ABCs very well. Good job, kids! Good job!

Six years ago, Aquaman and The Others discovered The Dead King of Atlantis's tomb and his collection of Relics. Aquaman's relic is his trident. I thought it was his belt buckle up until now. But Arthur doesn't care about the astounding find. He just wants the items as bait to lure Black Manta to him.

I guess it finally worked years later! Good job! Except for the part where everyone is being killed by him.

So the Globe allows for teleportation. The Seal allows for translation. The Shackles create some kind of shield. The Trident shoots bolts, I think? That leaves the Operative's relic and Vostok-X's relic.

Black Manta has appeared in Dr. Shin's lab. I thought he wanted the belt buckle. But it looks like he wants Dr. Shin and his notes. Perhaps Black Manta just wants to find Atlantis for himself. Specifically, he wants to find The Dead King's Tomb because he thinks The Others missed a seventh artifact.

I think that story about Aquaman ditching The Others for the Justice League is exactly how I speculated it happened! Or, you know, very nearly. Minus the cell phones and text messages.

Aquaman abandons his needy, second-rate Justice League to confront Black Manta on his own. Since Aquaman won't play with them, The Others decide to go get Mera to take his place. While they're off gathering Mera, Aquaman watches Black Manta and Dr. Shin at the site of the Dead King's Tomb. Dr. Shin refuses to betray Aquaman again. But Manta manages to find the seventh relic anyway: The Scepter of the Dead King. This relic apparently caused Atlantis to sink.

You're losing me, Aquaman! And realize that if you lose my interest for just one or two issues, I'm immediately going back to making fun of you. You don't think I didn't prepare hundreds of stupid Aquaman jokes in preparation of reading your new series? Yeah! But your stupid series was so good, I didn't get to use any of them. But you're slipping! And I'm ready!

Aquaman #11 Rating: -1 Ranking. Black Manta did not get decapitated. The art was sub-par, especially for this comic book. The Others are a bunch of needy bitches rallying around a guy who doesn't seem to care, although he insists that he does. And the plot just felt lackluster. At least it took Aquaman eleven issues before I remembered how boring Aquaman can be when handled poorly.

Batman: The Dark Knight #11

How many times is Gordon going to be a victim?

Gordon has been kidnapped by The Scarecrow because The Scarecrow has some kind of deadly plan for him and The Batman. See, The Scarecrow is sick and tired of Batman and Gordon ruining his crimes. You can't be a criminal mastermind in Gotham City without being targeted by the lousy do-gooders. Of course, you can't be a lousy do-gooder without being targeted by the Dirty Fucking Gotham Cops either. You also can't be an average citizen without constantly fearing being killed by a Criminal Mastermind, harassed by a Dirty Fucking Gotham Cop, or having your property damaged by some overzealous do-gooder. The city is a goddamn wreck.

DC needs to think about what they're doing to Gotham City in The New 52. With all of the Batman and Batman Family titles, eighty percent of the action in the DCnU takes place in Gotham City. Another ten percent probably takes place in New York. Five percent takes place beneath the Eiffel Tower. And the final five percent is split between Seattle, Coast City, the Congo, and other random locales. I'm not sure how someone like the Scarecrow doesn't accidentally trip over a fucking Costume just walking to Gordon's house to set up the trap.

Batgirl: "Hey Nightwing! Nice night for a swing, hunh?!"
Nightwing: "What was tha...mutter mutter whisper whispe" *gone*
Batgirl: "*sigh* Nice ass, Grayson."
Black Canary: "What are you mooning about? And who the fuck is Grayson? Um, never mind. Do you want to go to the Eiffel Tower with the Birds this week?
Katana: "I will not touch you against Black Canary's pudendum!"
Batgirl: "What the fuck?"
Starling: "Katana's dead husband's soul is trapped within her katana and she speaks with it all the time. Next panel, I will have forgotten this fact and find it totally unbelievable and nuts.
Batwoman: "I like the way your sword thinks, Katana! *rowr* *makes claws*"
Catwoman: "You goddamn bitch! That's my schtick! You should be saying, "Squeak!" in a sexy voice and flapping your arms like a spastic."
Batwing: "I trailed an African criminal to Gotham! Have any of you seen Batman?"
Catwoman: "Mmm, I have. More than some fans like, even. *squeak* *flaps arms spastically*
Scarecrow: "La la la! La la la la! La la la! La la la la!"
Poison Ivy: "Oh, look who's up to no good. It's little Johnny Crane."
Batgirl: "Oh my! Do you think we should stop him?"
Black Canary: "Fuck that. This is Batman's turf. Let him handle it. Anyway, I've got cramps."
Starling: "Weird! So do I!"
Katana: "私も!"
Batgirl: "Yeah, we should just go back to my place and watch movies with Alysia."
Black Canary: "But isn't that Gordon's house Crane is breaking into?"
Batgirl: "Fuck it. He loves being rescued by Batman. Let's just go."

Meanwhile, Bruce will put up with anything to touch his sword to some pudendum.

Awkward post-near-break-up-fight date.

Why is Bruce even seeing Natalya again? He's a playboy but so far in The New 52, he's being treated like a serial monogamist. Why is he enduring bullshit like this apology date? Once the woman is fucking tired of the way Bruce Wayne is always disappearing or his mind is always on other things, it's time for Bruce to just walk away. It's not like he's going to suddenly start acting any different. Oh, is Natalya the true love of Bruce's life now? Well then, Alfred can just fuck off with his message that Gordon has been kidnapped!

Shit, I never had the options Bruce had and I never put up with this bullshit. And look at Natalya! Making fucking excuses for Bruce! Please, girl, have some respect for yourself. He's a narcissistic asshole. You don't have to apologize for him. Some advice for both of you: walk the fuck away. Let it die. It's over.

That whole awkward part of relationships where you're beginning to discover the other person is an asshole but you're not quite over the newness of the sex with them is simply miserable: pretending that there is more there just to fuck them one more time (because the chemistry and the sex are terrific!); both parties just wading through the bullshit and trying to come to a meeting place where they can drop the pretense and just fucking kiss already; ignoring the insults and abuse you've endured up until this point because of the wetness/hardness in your nether regions. Disney should make a movie dealing with that kind of love!

The scene is actually pretty brilliant in its uncomfortableness. But I intensely dislike Alfred telling Batman to turn on the television in front of Natalya to get the news that Gordon is missing. Now Bruce takes off as if there were something he can do. And then Batman saves Gordon. Does he just assume Natalya is a gorgeous musical savant who can't make logical connections in any significant way? I wanted to type "significunt" but figured people would just see it as a typo as opposed to simply misogynistic whimsy.

The next page is a two-page splash that shows the Batmobile racing away from Wayne Manor with bats flying along with it and the title of the issue, Cycle of Violence (Part Two although it doesn't say Part Two anywhere). I've complained about the overuse of splash pages when not needed throughout my New 52 commentaries. But I thought I'd actually print some corroboration to my dislike by a professional, Greg Rucka (who left DC a few years ago): "Normally I detest writing splash pages; I think they're a waste of precious real estate, and I think they've been overused to such an extent that they've lost all dramatic impact." That's from his comments on 52 Book One, Week Eleven. Hey, that's what I've been saying! That Rucka is a genius!

Batman heads out to do some detective work even though this is not Detective Comics but The Dark Knight. I think in The Dark Knight, he should eschew detective work and just go around beating the shit out of informants and possible witnesses (only if the witnesses are asshole though!). At least his detective work in this comic is pretty shoddy.

I'm going to go out on a limb, way past any actual knowledge I have on the subject of forensics and being scared to death, and say, "Forensics cannot show that someone was scared to death!" But hey, if they could, might as well jump to the conclusion that The Scarecrow is to blame! What a fucking shit detective.

Batman does eventually take readings of some elements in the bathroom and discovers traces of Gordon's feces and Fear Toxin. So at least he can now be sure that the Scarecrow kidnapped Gordon and that Gordon crapped his pants.

Do I have to actually admit that Batman didn't find fecal matter? You knew that wasn't actually in the comic book, right?

That last paragraph (and this one!) is my Narration Boxing because I'm assuming that somebody, somewhere is reading this. Unlike if I just thought it in my head in the same language. That would be crazy!

Later at the Jason Todd Memorial Playground...

This isn't too creepy.

And even later still at the R. Kelly/David Finch School for Pissing on Possibly Older (or Younger) Than They Actually Look Young (or Old) White Girls...

Are you imagining what the Scarecrow's penis looks like too? Oh, well now you are!

While Scarecrow does whatever he's doing to the girl (which ultimately ends up being whatever I tell you he's doing to the girl because I'm reading the comic book and choosing what pictures I want to show you), he flashes back to his father conducting fear experiments on himself. Now Hurwitz has linked Batman (by having Natalya mention it during their awkward date) and Scarecrow with tragedy and fear in their youth. And after Scarecrow finishes pissing on the girl's face, he collects some samples.

I guess Scarecrow Urine and Children's Tears mixed together create the Fear Toxin. Or maybe the antidote.

Batman does some more detective work by interrogating a stuffed animal named Ducky. Look, you can either buy the comic book and read it yourself or read my interpretation of events! And I say Batman interrogated a stuffed duck!

See? Also, this is more proof that David Finch sees all females as fourteen to sixteen years old. 30 year old? Looks like this. 8 year old? Looks like this. 50 year old? Looks like this with a some crosshatching on the face.

Ducky tells Batman that the little girl was shoved inside a black van with the license plate BEATNGU HLLWMAN. He tracks it to a ramshackle house which he doesn't sneak into because Gordon is in there and he's in trouble! And because he doesn't sneak in, he gets blasted in the face by The Scarecrow's No More Fears Urine and Tear Mixture.

When did Jonathan Crane become a hillbilly with a Dr. Seuss shotgun?

This causes Batman to fall backwards into a well-concealed hole in the front yard where he falls into a mine cart on some tracks and The Scarecrow, having jumped through a trapdoor on his front porch, lands on Batman and shoves a bunch of needles into Batman full of Fear Urine. Yes, that's exactly how it happens even though I've been known to make things up. My guess is that next issue Batman yet another Fear Toxin Freak Out even though he knew he was coming after the Scarecrow and should have taken precautions. Like some kind of antidote or possibly a 5-Hour Batman Urine Courage Boosting Enhancement.

Batman: The Dark Knight #11 Rating: No change. The title really hasn't gotten much better even with a professional writer on board. So far, it's just another standard Scarecrow jam. Here's to hoping there's some kind of twist at the end of the story to differentiate from every other Scarecrow story that's ever been told. And no, I don't want the twist to be Batman realizes Scarecrow, like everyone else, is scared sometimes.