Aquaman #11

The Decapitation of Black Manta!

Last issue, we learned are ABCs very well. Good job, kids! Good job!

Six years ago, Aquaman and The Others discovered The Dead King of Atlantis's tomb and his collection of Relics. Aquaman's relic is his trident. I thought it was his belt buckle up until now. But Arthur doesn't care about the astounding find. He just wants the items as bait to lure Black Manta to him.

I guess it finally worked years later! Good job! Except for the part where everyone is being killed by him.

So the Globe allows for teleportation. The Seal allows for translation. The Shackles create some kind of shield. The Trident shoots bolts, I think? That leaves the Operative's relic and Vostok-X's relic.

Black Manta has appeared in Dr. Shin's lab. I thought he wanted the belt buckle. But it looks like he wants Dr. Shin and his notes. Perhaps Black Manta just wants to find Atlantis for himself. Specifically, he wants to find The Dead King's Tomb because he thinks The Others missed a seventh artifact.

I think that story about Aquaman ditching The Others for the Justice League is exactly how I speculated it happened! Or, you know, very nearly. Minus the cell phones and text messages.

Aquaman abandons his needy, second-rate Justice League to confront Black Manta on his own. Since Aquaman won't play with them, The Others decide to go get Mera to take his place. While they're off gathering Mera, Aquaman watches Black Manta and Dr. Shin at the site of the Dead King's Tomb. Dr. Shin refuses to betray Aquaman again. But Manta manages to find the seventh relic anyway: The Scepter of the Dead King. This relic apparently caused Atlantis to sink.

You're losing me, Aquaman! And realize that if you lose my interest for just one or two issues, I'm immediately going back to making fun of you. You don't think I didn't prepare hundreds of stupid Aquaman jokes in preparation of reading your new series? Yeah! But your stupid series was so good, I didn't get to use any of them. But you're slipping! And I'm ready!

Aquaman #11 Rating: -1 Ranking. Black Manta did not get decapitated. The art was sub-par, especially for this comic book. The Others are a bunch of needy bitches rallying around a guy who doesn't seem to care, although he insists that he does. And the plot just felt lackluster. At least it took Aquaman eleven issues before I remembered how boring Aquaman can be when handled poorly.

Batman: The Dark Knight #11

How many times is Gordon going to be a victim?

Gordon has been kidnapped by The Scarecrow because The Scarecrow has some kind of deadly plan for him and The Batman. See, The Scarecrow is sick and tired of Batman and Gordon ruining his crimes. You can't be a criminal mastermind in Gotham City without being targeted by the lousy do-gooders. Of course, you can't be a lousy do-gooder without being targeted by the Dirty Fucking Gotham Cops either. You also can't be an average citizen without constantly fearing being killed by a Criminal Mastermind, harassed by a Dirty Fucking Gotham Cop, or having your property damaged by some overzealous do-gooder. The city is a goddamn wreck.

DC needs to think about what they're doing to Gotham City in The New 52. With all of the Batman and Batman Family titles, eighty percent of the action in the DCnU takes place in Gotham City. Another ten percent probably takes place in New York. Five percent takes place beneath the Eiffel Tower. And the final five percent is split between Seattle, Coast City, the Congo, and other random locales. I'm not sure how someone like the Scarecrow doesn't accidentally trip over a fucking Costume just walking to Gordon's house to set up the trap.

Batgirl: "Hey Nightwing! Nice night for a swing, hunh?!"
Nightwing: "What was tha...mutter mutter whisper whispe" *gone*
Batgirl: "*sigh* Nice ass, Grayson."
Black Canary: "What are you mooning about? And who the fuck is Grayson? Um, never mind. Do you want to go to the Eiffel Tower with the Birds this week?
Katana: "I will not touch you against Black Canary's pudendum!"
Batgirl: "What the fuck?"
Starling: "Katana's dead husband's soul is trapped within her katana and she speaks with it all the time. Next panel, I will have forgotten this fact and find it totally unbelievable and nuts.
Batwoman: "I like the way your sword thinks, Katana! *rowr* *makes claws*"
Catwoman: "You goddamn bitch! That's my schtick! You should be saying, "Squeak!" in a sexy voice and flapping your arms like a spastic."
Batwing: "I trailed an African criminal to Gotham! Have any of you seen Batman?"
Catwoman: "Mmm, I have. More than some fans like, even. *squeak* *flaps arms spastically*
Scarecrow: "La la la! La la la la! La la la! La la la la!"
Poison Ivy: "Oh, look who's up to no good. It's little Johnny Crane."
Batgirl: "Oh my! Do you think we should stop him?"
Black Canary: "Fuck that. This is Batman's turf. Let him handle it. Anyway, I've got cramps."
Starling: "Weird! So do I!"
Katana: "私も!"
Batgirl: "Yeah, we should just go back to my place and watch movies with Alysia."
Black Canary: "But isn't that Gordon's house Crane is breaking into?"
Batgirl: "Fuck it. He loves being rescued by Batman. Let's just go."

Meanwhile, Bruce will put up with anything to touch his sword to some pudendum.

Awkward post-near-break-up-fight date.

Why is Bruce even seeing Natalya again? He's a playboy but so far in The New 52, he's being treated like a serial monogamist. Why is he enduring bullshit like this apology date? Once the woman is fucking tired of the way Bruce Wayne is always disappearing or his mind is always on other things, it's time for Bruce to just walk away. It's not like he's going to suddenly start acting any different. Oh, is Natalya the true love of Bruce's life now? Well then, Alfred can just fuck off with his message that Gordon has been kidnapped!

Shit, I never had the options Bruce had and I never put up with this bullshit. And look at Natalya! Making fucking excuses for Bruce! Please, girl, have some respect for yourself. He's a narcissistic asshole. You don't have to apologize for him. Some advice for both of you: walk the fuck away. Let it die. It's over.

That whole awkward part of relationships where you're beginning to discover the other person is an asshole but you're not quite over the newness of the sex with them is simply miserable: pretending that there is more there just to fuck them one more time (because the chemistry and the sex are terrific!); both parties just wading through the bullshit and trying to come to a meeting place where they can drop the pretense and just fucking kiss already; ignoring the insults and abuse you've endured up until this point because of the wetness/hardness in your nether regions. Disney should make a movie dealing with that kind of love!

The scene is actually pretty brilliant in its uncomfortableness. But I intensely dislike Alfred telling Batman to turn on the television in front of Natalya to get the news that Gordon is missing. Now Bruce takes off as if there were something he can do. And then Batman saves Gordon. Does he just assume Natalya is a gorgeous musical savant who can't make logical connections in any significant way? I wanted to type "significunt" but figured people would just see it as a typo as opposed to simply misogynistic whimsy.

The next page is a two-page splash that shows the Batmobile racing away from Wayne Manor with bats flying along with it and the title of the issue, Cycle of Violence (Part Two although it doesn't say Part Two anywhere). I've complained about the overuse of splash pages when not needed throughout my New 52 commentaries. But I thought I'd actually print some corroboration to my dislike by a professional, Greg Rucka (who left DC a few years ago): "Normally I detest writing splash pages; I think they're a waste of precious real estate, and I think they've been overused to such an extent that they've lost all dramatic impact." That's from his comments on 52 Book One, Week Eleven. Hey, that's what I've been saying! That Rucka is a genius!

Batman heads out to do some detective work even though this is not Detective Comics but The Dark Knight. I think in The Dark Knight, he should eschew detective work and just go around beating the shit out of informants and possible witnesses (only if the witnesses are asshole though!). At least his detective work in this comic is pretty shoddy.

I'm going to go out on a limb, way past any actual knowledge I have on the subject of forensics and being scared to death, and say, "Forensics cannot show that someone was scared to death!" But hey, if they could, might as well jump to the conclusion that The Scarecrow is to blame! What a fucking shit detective.

Batman does eventually take readings of some elements in the bathroom and discovers traces of Gordon's feces and Fear Toxin. So at least he can now be sure that the Scarecrow kidnapped Gordon and that Gordon crapped his pants.

Do I have to actually admit that Batman didn't find fecal matter? You knew that wasn't actually in the comic book, right?

That last paragraph (and this one!) is my Narration Boxing because I'm assuming that somebody, somewhere is reading this. Unlike if I just thought it in my head in the same language. That would be crazy!

Later at the Jason Todd Memorial Playground...

This isn't too creepy.

And even later still at the R. Kelly/David Finch School for Pissing on Possibly Older (or Younger) Than They Actually Look Young (or Old) White Girls...

Are you imagining what the Scarecrow's penis looks like too? Oh, well now you are!

While Scarecrow does whatever he's doing to the girl (which ultimately ends up being whatever I tell you he's doing to the girl because I'm reading the comic book and choosing what pictures I want to show you), he flashes back to his father conducting fear experiments on himself. Now Hurwitz has linked Batman (by having Natalya mention it during their awkward date) and Scarecrow with tragedy and fear in their youth. And after Scarecrow finishes pissing on the girl's face, he collects some samples.

I guess Scarecrow Urine and Children's Tears mixed together create the Fear Toxin. Or maybe the antidote.

Batman does some more detective work by interrogating a stuffed animal named Ducky. Look, you can either buy the comic book and read it yourself or read my interpretation of events! And I say Batman interrogated a stuffed duck!

See? Also, this is more proof that David Finch sees all females as fourteen to sixteen years old. 30 year old? Looks like this. 8 year old? Looks like this. 50 year old? Looks like this with a some crosshatching on the face.

Ducky tells Batman that the little girl was shoved inside a black van with the license plate BEATNGU HLLWMAN. He tracks it to a ramshackle house which he doesn't sneak into because Gordon is in there and he's in trouble! And because he doesn't sneak in, he gets blasted in the face by The Scarecrow's No More Fears Urine and Tear Mixture.

When did Jonathan Crane become a hillbilly with a Dr. Seuss shotgun?

This causes Batman to fall backwards into a well-concealed hole in the front yard where he falls into a mine cart on some tracks and The Scarecrow, having jumped through a trapdoor on his front porch, lands on Batman and shoves a bunch of needles into Batman full of Fear Urine. Yes, that's exactly how it happens even though I've been known to make things up. My guess is that next issue Batman yet another Fear Toxin Freak Out even though he knew he was coming after the Scarecrow and should have taken precautions. Like some kind of antidote or possibly a 5-Hour Batman Urine Courage Boosting Enhancement.

Batman: The Dark Knight #11 Rating: No change. The title really hasn't gotten much better even with a professional writer on board. So far, it's just another standard Scarecrow jam. Here's to hoping there's some kind of twist at the end of the story to differentiate from every other Scarecrow story that's ever been told. And no, I don't want the twist to be Batman realizes Scarecrow, like everyone else, is scared sometimes.

All Star Western #11

The copy on the cover does a great disservice to the art. This series should just leave the words off and let the art speak for itself.

At the end of last issue, Jonah Hex was having sex with Tallulah Black while Arkham was very nearly being killed by The Court of Owls' Talon.

Arkham is putting the pieces of his and Jonah's last few adventures together.

Oh how naive! Dozens of secret, covert, and black ops organizations can practically exist in the same building in the New DC!

Apparently Jonah and Tallulah had finished cleaning out Tallulah's rat's next quite awhile ago and were now busy ambushing Bennet because he's a real estate flipping douchebag. But Bennet's bodyguard, The Crimson Pirate Molester (whose real name is Mr. Baroque (if it ain't baroque....)), prances out of the shadows to protect him. He shoots Hex in the shoulder but Hex shoots him in the face. Or maybe the shoulder as well because I don't imagine we've seen the last of the Crimson Pirate Molester!

After a bit of gunfire, Bennet is unarmed and at Tallulah's mercy. And then that fucking Talon decides to triple back flip twist into the middle of the fight.

With those tits, my guess is this Talon is one of Gotham's hot prostitutes.

The Talon escapes with Bennet in a cloud of ninja smoke bomb. Jonah and Tallulah decide to beat it before Gotham's dirty cops show up and start busting heads and arresting people for wanting to not be arrested.

Dirty Fucking Gotham Cop: "Okay! Break it up! What's going on here?"
Peaceful Gothamite: "Nothing, sir! Not a jim jammery jottin' thing, whut!"
Dirty Fucking Gotham Cop: "What did you call me? Do you want me to arrest you?"
Peaceful Gothamite: "Why, no officer! Please don't!"
Metaphor For Every Fucking Cop Ever: "That's it! You're under arrest for resisting arrest, you fucking cunt!"

The Talon doesn't escape far with Bennet. Apparently the trick for disappearing in a cloud of smoke using the traditional ninja smoke bomb is to quickly hide someplace nearby. This time, the Talon hung from the bottom of the nearby bridge with Bennet in her arms. And a noose around Bennet's neck. She leaves him to die by hanging and disappears.

The Court of Owls wants Hex to take the blame for Bennet's death. They rule by secrecy but I guess they don't mind people like Hex knowing about their Talon. Who's going to believe him? Besides, they probably figure he'll be killed in the ensuing chaos of the Crime Bibleers' retaliation.

How come the men don't get pets? Mr. Terror can have a Raven. Mr. Assassination can have a tiny crocodile. And Mr. Extortion needs a monkey.

Later that night, the Dirty Fucking Gotham Police storm Akrham Asylum Manor to arrest Jonah, Amadeus, and Tallulah for not wanting to wait around to not be arrested.

After resizing the scanned picture and saving it, I realized I should have altered the cops text to say he's getting sick to the stomach of looking at Tallulah's rat's nest.

Of course the Dirty Fucking Gotham Cops aren't merely taking their captives to prison. They're driving an hour or so outside Gotham to bring them to Dr. Steampunk Mengele. It's crazy Wild, Wild West Death Trap for them now!

Pshaw! A controlled opiate isn't going to have any effect on Arkham! Too bad Arkham isn't exactly the go to guy for escape plans.

But it isn't Arkham who isn't affected by the opiate. Unless Arkham is just faking being passed out until Jonah wakes up since he has no idea what to do in extreme situations like this where death is quite probably going to be the outcome. It's Tallulah who's with it enough to formulate an escape plan as well as an essay on sexism.

As if she hasn't tied her fair share of men to things!

The Five Crime Lords arrive to find Tallulah Black missing. Apparently news doesn't travel fast enough in the old west or else the Crime Lords would have heard how the August 8 made this same mistake. I'm pretty sure if you have an organization of crime that you should never get all of your leaders in one place to do the dirty work. That's what followers and lackeys and henchmen are for, dumb dumbs!

Be here next month when the battered and bloody and dying Crime Lords answer the door to hear: "Telegram! Dear Crime Lordians. Stop. August 8 tried to kill Jonah Hex. Stop. Idiots all gathered together in one place for him to pick off. Stop. Yours sincerely, New Orleans Crime Bible Gossip Paper. Stop."

Reading the back-up story, I notice Justin Gray and Jimmy Palmiotti misuse "whom" for the second time this issue. Not that I really care. But they should just stick with the tried and true method of using "who" all of the time since percentage-wise, it's most likely the right choice. And if they get it wrong, it's less retarded than sticking "whom" everywhere.

This is the second comic in a row where I initially didn't give a shit about the back-up issue but I've become a fan! Dr. Terrence Thirteen is the bee's knees!

Gotham is being plagued by The Haunted Highwayman, so Dr. Thirteen is recruited to uncover the mystery of this brigand!

So much awesome on this page.

Dr. Terrence Thirteen looks like Jason Scott of Textfiles fame if Jason were to just shave the bottom half of the beard.

So much awesome here too.

Dr. Thirteen heads out with a posse and ambushes The Haunted Highwayman. But the Highwayman turns his flamethrower pistol on Dr. Thirteen! Will he survive?

All Star Western #11 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm not surprised how much I like this western book with Jonah Hex. But I am very surprised that they didn't find a writer or artist to ruin it.

DC Universe Presents #11

Every little girl's dream.

It would be wholly appropriate while reading this story arc that I tell some father stories.

Dad, 32. Me, 8.

The man in the above picture is far, far removed from the man I know today. I suppose the boy is, as well.

And perhaps I won't tell any father stories. Not because the current version of my father would probably be horrified that I was telling strangers on the internet personal stories about his life. But because it's hard to find something funny to say about a recovering alcoholic who left when I was two, took me on a week long vacation to his sister's house in Truckee that I look back on as his failed suicide note, disappeared for a number of years during my high school years, and now thinks that we're somehow good friends. Although when he started freaking out and becoming increasingly paranoid about Y2K, it got a little bit funny!

Father: "We've got enough food and room in the house if you want to hunker down in bunker town with us.
Me: "Um, no thanks. I've got a costume party to go to in Seattle where everyone will be dressing like aliens and awaiting the mother ship as it descends. We figure it'll be arriving in Seattle because they probably think the Space Needle is one of our escape vehicles."
Father: "You're leaving your house? And going out of town? Do you realize how many things are controlled by computers? You won't be able to pump gas to get back home. Truckers won't be able to deliver food. The freeways will be packed with people fleeing the food riots of the cities! It's going to be complete chaos and pandemonium."
Me: "Yeah, well, it's going to be a great party. Do you think this hole is big enough to store your barrel full of guns and ammunition? I've got to go ready for the trip."

The man in the picture above was about a decade removed from Vietnam. That man once told me if the country ever goes to war again and they have another draft, he would personally drive me to Canada. The man he is now believed the Middle East should have been turned into a parking lot after 9/11. He watches Fox News constantly. He lost a shitload of money in the stock market and yet continues to believe in it and invest in it and support it. But I guess he's still chasing the retired millionaire lifestyle he sees all of his old Intel co-workers living because they didn't continually sell their Intel stock to subsidize their weekend blackouts.

The man he is now thinks he's a rebel but he was just a corporate, middle-management tool who was spit out by the machine and forced into early retirement because he was costing the system too much. Now he sits around without his teeth, drinking coffee and smoking, while telling fart jokes and turning every statement into a sexual innuendo. Especially funny to him is when he does this with his ten year old granddaughter (my niece! Not my child! None of those parasites for me!).

When I hear Nick Cave's The Weeping Song or Faster Pussycat's House of Pain or, I guess because it's probably expected and cliche, Chapin's Cats in the Cradle, I think of him.

I suppose we have a better relationship than Kassidy Sage and her immortal, mass murderer father Vandal. Although I think it might be a toss-up whether this relationship, the one where he thinks we're good friends and I, more and more, find myself seeing him less as a friend and more of the man who abandoned me and doesn't deserve my friendship in his later years, or the one with the immortal killing machine father is better.

This issue of Savage begins with a scene nearly identical to the one that begin last issue. But instead of little Kass Savage running home from school to find her mother in tears and her life ripped asunder, it's little killer Swan running home from school to find his mother in tears because her husband has just been killed by Vandal Savage. This is the same day.

Let it go, Swan! Let it go!

Swan has Kass Sage tied to an alter and continuing the grand tradition of super villains by telling her his tale of woe and the reason for his murderous temper tantrum. He tells her how his father was the one to catch hers.

Get it?! His father is named after Adam West and Burt Ward!

Since Vandal Savage jumped out of the helicopter last issue and didn't explode on impact, he's able to stop Swan before he cuts Kass's throat. But this is what The Swan wanted. The entire copycat killings (which he learned how to do from his father's coded notebooks) were merely to lure Vandal Savage to this place and this confrontation. I wish I could make plans like this that work! I can't even stop myself from being distracted by random happenstance and wandering away from any plan I make.

Fisticuffs ensue. The Swan says his father was a genius and he blames all of the killing he had to do to get Vandal here on Vandal. Vandal says he's known geniuses and his father was, maybe, merely intelligent at best. And Vandal suggests that all of the Swans murders not be laid upon himself but upon the man that actually committed them since the Swan could have thought up many other ways to enact his vengeance. But in the end, when The Swan has Vandal down and decides to see if Vandal can be killed once and for all, Kass saves her father's immortal life by taking the Swan's mortal one.

I predict Savage will simply laugh at this and leave.

But I often predict everything wrong. I never said I was a psychic or could talk to the dead! Well, I suppose I can talk to the dead. But they're not going to answer back.

What if he's like the Greek Gods in Wonder Woman and can be killed by family?

But nobody will be finding out if anybody is immortal. Enough time has passed that back-up arrives with multiple helicopters and dozens of SWAT team members with laser targeted guns trained on Savage. Even Savage apparently doesn't want to be ripped apart by machine gun fire and he's soon once again back in Belle Reve. Kass leaves, telling him never expect to see her again.

And then he vomits up the keys to his restraints. Ta da!

DC Universe Presents #11 Rating: +1 Ranking. The story wraps up nicely and doesn't disappoint. My guess is the next issue will be a One Shot because judging by the cover of Issue #0, it looks like Issue #0 is going to be an update on the characters of the cancelled titles.

Blue Beetle #11

Blue and Gold! Together again!

The founder of Superfail.com (a website that doesn't actually exist but is now available for auction at fucking bastard godaddy.com for $10,000), Thaddeus Miller, is a low grade Glorious Godfrey and he's on a media blitz to turn everybody against super heroes, starting with Blue Beetle. But Booster Gold debates this jerk on one of those crappy national morning news shows that actually thinks they're doing some kind of service to mankind. Fuck, the attitude on those "TV personalities." They're worse than reality television celebrities! I have more respect for the assholes on Big Brother than I do for the cast of The Today Show. "Morning News Entertainment." They should all be renamed The Bullshit Show. NBC's Morning Bullshit! Bullshit This Morning with Katie Couric! Weather, Traffic, and Bullshit. CNN should just become 24 Hour Bullshit. And Fox News should be renamed Racist Bullshit for Scared Middle Class White Pricks. And NPR should be renamed Highbrow Bullshit in Quiet, Thoughtful Voices. Local news stations should just be Local Bullshit Interrupting Your Prime Time Television Shows.

Ahem. So, Booster Gold appears on this television show to sell more Booster products defend super heroes.

Booster looks a little derpy here.

Elsewhere in the city, Brenda and Paco are conducting their own search for Jaime. Brenda is super cute and since she's a comic book character and not a real person, I can lust after her even though she's fictionally underage. That isn't weird. I mean, it's probably weird that I'm lusting after a nonexistent, pencil-and-ink character. But no weirder than my mega-crush on Amy Wong of Futurama. Brenda and Paco don't actually know where to begin looking so they head off to meet with Jaime's grandmother. I can't wait to meet this loony bird!

Jaime somehow heard Booster Gold on Morning Bullshit This Morning. He probably saw it on the giant monitor in Time Square and since this is the DC Universe, it was blaring the sound down on all the pedestrians and honking cars. Jaime's going to contact him and they're going to become the bestest friends that ever were!

Does every coffee shop in the DCnU have to be a parody of Starbucks? My favorite so far was Tsarbucks in Little Russia but I forget which comic book that was in.

Booster and Beetle set up a meet later in the day by the Statue of Liberty. It doesn't go as well as Jaime had planned.

No! You're supposed to hug him and tell corny jokes and drink beers and ogle chicks and go super heroing together!

Booster Gold isn't the greatest with history and such, especially without Skeets, but he does know about The Reach and how dangerous they are. So he never meant to mentor Blue Beetle at all. His only goal was to destroy him before he could lead the rest of The Reach to Earth.

While Booster and Beetle exchange blows, Paco and Brenda check out Jaime's grandmother's house. But his grandmother is gone. A fortune teller greets them and lets them know where the cards have said Jaime would be. They learn he should be in Washington Square but before they can figure out where that is, a bunch of agents from the DEO show up and kidnap them. Seems Director Bones has wants Blue Beetle back and Paco's energy signature is nearly identical to Blue Beetle's. That's because Paco has a Reach Healing Cockroach in his system.

Back in Washington Square where Blue and Gold seem to have landed in the middle of their fight, Jaime's grandmother watches the battle take place.

Oh the feels! Stop it!

Jaime's grandmother beats Booster over the head with her walker because she recognizes her grandson. Maybe it was the fortune teller or maybe it was because she overheard him speaking Spanish or maybe she just recognizes her kin, but she saves him. Booster seems to think twice about pursing this and tells Beetle to meet him the next day in Prospect Park and they'll figure out what's going on. An editor's note mentions the meet-up will continue in Justice League International Annual #1! So the JLI has been cancelled but it's still getting an annual? That's good. I wasn't totally ready to stop commenting on how pathetic that super hero group was.

Jaime's grandmother also wants to have a meeting with Blue Beetle so she tells him to meet her at her apartment since she doesn't want to be seen on the streets with him in his armor. All of a sudden, Blue Beetle has lots of places to be! It looks like he's eaten out of his last dumpster. I wonder if he'll meet the Teen Titans soon.

Meanwhile at the Department for Extranormal Affairs, Director Bones orders surgery on Paco to remove the Scarab technology wrapped around his heart. That doesn't go so well.

Yay! It's Blue Beetle's grouchy sidekick, Robin Beetle!

Blue Beetle #11 Rating: No change.

Batwoman #11

I liked Sune better when she didn't have a penis.

Last issue, I was hoping it would be the last issue of the current story arc. But it just keeps going! Not that it's a horrible story. But, you know, it keeps going! I think Batwoman's comic is supposed to mirror Batman's comic. So while he's fighting the Court of Owls and his own inner turmoil about his relationship with Gotham, Batwoman is fighting Gotham's Urban Legends and her intense desire to fuck the shit out of Detective Maggie. Seems like a pretty good parallel.

Oh, anyway, last issue, Sune transformed into her brother Maro right before Batwoman's eyes. But I don't think Batwoman remembers the transformation. Hmm. That sounds really familiar and I can't quite place why.

Yeah, a bit, actually.

Oh yeah! The woman changing into a man right in front of other people who don't realize the transformation was from Buffy the Vampire Slayer! Glory and her brother, um, Doctor Not Glory!
Meanwhile, in the hospital, Jacob's story is taking place right now! I think all of the various stories being told are all going to be told in the present so this story arc can reach a conclusion. The doctors are ready to give up on Kate because she's taking up a valuable bed and she's been in a coma, like, a really long time.

Doctor: "Other people really could use the hospital real estate, not to mention her valuable organs, and don't you think it's better to let her go, Jacob?"
Jacob: "She's strong! She has the strength of a flaming bird! Get it? Hint hint. She can't die. Do you really think Williams and Blackman got the go ahead from DC to kill a long time member of Teen Titans West? Did you hear me, Doc?! TEEN. TITANS. WEST!"
Doctor: "Bah! Look, I'm a fucking doctor and this is just a person I don't give a shit about and you do. You just need to listen to the profesh..."
Flamebird: "Uncle Jake?"
Jacob: "She's awake! Doctor! She's awake!"
Doctor: "No, no. That was just an involuntary muscle spasm."

Now Maggie's story which takes place fifteen minutes from now. Okay, so this will show us the end of Batwoman's fight with Maro from a different perspective and then we'll get to go back in time fifteen minutes to see how it all went down from Batwoman's view? That's crazy!

Yes! I can't wait to read the story about fifteen minutes ago where Kate fucks everyone!

So, fifteen minutes ago, Chase appears at the fight scene between Batwoman and Maro. Oh boy! Here it goes! How do you think Chase and Batwoman and Maro are going to screw? I bet Maro transforms into a beast with twelve penises and just starts plugging the holes of anything that moves. And then maybe Chase will...oh. Um, nevermind. Chase didn't mean "screwed" as in "fucked" but "screwed" as in "fucked over."

My scene would have been so much more interesting.

Batwoman stops Chase from killing Maro and then throws FemBatarang into Killer Croc's eyeball. Batwoman must be really precise with her violence to know that she's not going to accidentally kill anybody even though she keeps freaking out every time anybody else uses a weapon on someone. And because Batwoman screwed up Chase's shot, Maro is only wounded and transforms into a fox. And foxes always manage to escape through the portal with all of the kidnapped children!

What the hell is a "gios"? Or "gio"?

Kate Kane also had a story moment where she sat on the couch revealing secrets with Maggie Sawyer. No, no! Not the Batwoman secret! But she does tell her all about her family and Maggie shares that she has a daughter. I think that means they've entered a new stage in their relationship! Is this Third Base?

Batwoman #11 Rating: No change.

Catwoman #11

All it took to fix Selina's zipper was for Guillem March to start working on a new title?

Nope! It's still busted. And get off the fucking kitchen counter, you Goddamned cat!

I just noticed that the cover was by Guillem March! I guess he thought it was too somber and sad to have her tits falling out of her costume. I don't know. The dead girl's thong is showing. That's pretty hot. A little cleavage wouldn't hurt. And maybe Dollhouse's balls hanging out of his skirt. That cover would still have a sad tone, right?

Back in Alvarez's apartment which Catwoman broke into last issue to try to get his help with the Dollhouse case, Alvarez tackles Catwoman off of the kitchen counter because he prepares his food there! He also apparently has two refrigerators in his apartment. That seems a bit suspicious.

To her right.

To her left. One must be for food and the other is for prostitutes.

The noises from the altercation bring one of the Detective's neighbors to the door to check on him. But Catwoman screams like she's having sex and the neighbor goes away. This is just more evidence that one of those fridges houses sex worker body parts. This comic might be more interesting from Detective Alvarez's point of view. He can't stop himself from killing hookers but in his day job, he's a law abiding detective that doesn't take bribes and thinks of himself as better than the dirty Gotham Cops. But then Catwoman gets him to help her on this case where he confronts Dollhouse, a criminal who also kidnaps sex workers off the streets of Gotham. Now Alvarez has to confront his own inner demons while trying to arrest Dollhouse. As he realizes he's no better than Dollhouse, Alvarez kills Dollhouse in a blind rage. Alvarez disappears and takes up the mantle of Dollhouse in Coast City.

It's got to be better than listening to Catwoman narration box her fight with Alvarez as if she's lecturing a college course with the film playing and she's just put it on pause to say:

There is no craft being honed here. Winick is just vomiting out a story as it comes to him. Why would Catwoman think like this in the moment? She wouldn't, you fucking hack. Now I've been pulled out of the story and I don't even fucking care why Alvarez has two refrigerators anymore.

Catwoman finally gets control of the situation while I think about what to eat for breakfast after breeze through this comic I suddenly don't care about.

"Shit! She's on to me!"

Alvarez is a grown man so he doesn't have to hide his boner when Catwoman gets off him to leave the way Blue Beetle does. Not that he doesn't have one! He just doesn't have to hide it!

Meanwhile, The Dollhouse is busy with problems of his own. He's got deadlines he can't fulfill, product spoiling. and clients breathing down his neck. And now he needs to hit the streets to collect more inventory. Owning your own business is such a pain in the ass sometimes. But I do realize one thing that allows me to forgive Winick's crappy Narration Boxing: The Dollhouse is a full-fledged villain with his own personal motives and history that have nothing at all to do with Catwoman. Catwoman isn't even a super hero and she has better villains than the Justice League!

Luckily for Catwoman and Detective Alvarez (and the readers so they don't have to read fifteen boring stakeouts, night after night), Dollhouse hits the street on the very night they go out to look for him! Catwoman also has Sparky Boy helping out because she needed a third set of eyes and a penis.

Dollhouse appears in Catwoman's territory.

And Sparky's territory.

And Alvarez's territory.

Oh, The Dollhouse is female. Go back and reread everything but change any incorrect pronouns.
The Dollhouse steals a bunch of sex workers along with Detective Alvarez. Catwoman arrives on the scene too late. She finds a bunch of drugged prostitutes with tranquilizer darts in their arms. The stress of business is really getting to The Dollhouse. She's getting careless and leaving a trail of sleepy hookers across Gotham!

Perhaps next issue will be the wedding of the year between Detective Alvarez and The Dollhouse! They'll have a ceremony and kiss and exchange rings and cut the Cake. Cake is capitalized because it's the name of a fifteen year old male prostitute they covered with frosting to celebrate their union.

Catwoman #11 Rating: No change. I just now noticed the cover says, "Dollhouse unmasked"! I guess I was concentrating too much on Selina's boobs.