E!TACT! #21
Jesse Chris: A Grunion Guy Story, Eternity Girl #2, New Super-man #22, Detective Comics #978, Suicide Squad #39, Justice League of America #28, Action Comics #1000, Kick-Ass #3, Deadman #6, Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews, and Letters to Me!
By Grunion Guy
Jesse Chris
A Grunion Guy Story
By Grunion Guy
Jesse Chris: A Grunion Guy Story, Eternity Girl #2, New Super-man #22, Detective Comics #978, Suicide Squad #39, Justice League of America #28, Action Comics #1000, Kick-Ass #3, Deadman #6, Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews, and Letters to Me!
By Grunion Guy
Jesse Chris
A Grunion Guy Story
By Grunion Guy
"You guys are the greatest," proclaimed Jesse as he flipped his long blonde surfer's hair around his head in slow motion. "Who could ask for a better bunch of twelve male friends! So rad!"
Jeremy Scaredycat looked askance and turned red. Everybody thought he was blushing because he loved Jesse so much. But he didn't love Jesse as much as he used to love Jesse. He loved Surf Country and hated Valleys way more than he now loved Jesse. Like thirty bucks more even.
"Hey Jesse," devil's advocated Jeremy. I mean, he was about to devil's advocate. He was actually just getting Jesse's attention in the last quote. Also he believed his argument so maybe he was just the devil. But he didn't want people to know that he believed his argument so he was pretending to just be an advocate. "We should spray paint 'Valleys go home' all over the place because I'm tired of my shoulders being ridden over."
"Oh, Jeremy," patronized Jesse in that way everybody but Jeremy loved. Simeon and Jacob and Terence and Sebastian and Philip and the other ones all loved it when Jesse looked at them like they were Italian dogs being told to roll over in French. "Render unto Brad what is Brad's. Duh!"
"That doesn't make any sense, Jesse," replied Jeremy to the audible gasps of the other eight men at the table. I mean ten? Maybe some of them didn't gasp because their mouths were full of Jesse. You'll understand what that means after the next paragraph! "The waves aren't for Valleys! They're our waves!"
"Oh, Jeremy," Jesse continued in that patronizing way. "This rad pizza is my tubular flesh. And the Mountain Dew is my blood, Brah. Duh!"
After throwing up, seven of Jesse's friends said, "We totally understand why you said that!" They looked dumbly at Jesse like a French dog being told to roll over in Italian.
"Man, this is my last dinner with you jerks!" cried Jeremy as he thought about how much non-Jesse's-flesh pizza he could buy with thirty bucks.
"Well, why don't you leave the tip, what with all that thirty money you have," scowled Jesse but in a righteous way. "And Terence can deny having ordered the appetizers!"
"What?! Why would you say that?" asked Terence. "And I didn't order them!"
"Oh my goodness! How did he know you'd say that?!" cried Sebastian! "It's a miracle!"
"He knew I'd say it because I didn't order them!" denied Terence.
"Are you sure?" asked Philip.
"Of course I'm sure I didn't order them! My stomach can't handle all that cheese!" denied Terence again.
"Oh, to hell with this!" exclaimed Jeremy. "That's him! That one! The one in the Pacific Beach t-shirt!" Several Valleys rushed in to grab Jesse.
"I got him!" yelled Brad!
"Me too!" yelled Brad! It was a different Brad from the Valley than that first Brad from the Valley.
"Oh no!" screamed eleven friends of Jesse! "Let's challenge them to a surfing contest!"
"Put away your boards!" exclaimed Jesse as he winked at the camera. Later he surfed for everybody's sins. That was the exciting part. But the important part was that he made it through the tube three days later as all the bikini-clad onlookers watched in shock and amazement. Everybody always remembered him forever after that, especially the way he hated gay people.
Jeremy Scaredycat looked askance and turned red. Everybody thought he was blushing because he loved Jesse so much. But he didn't love Jesse as much as he used to love Jesse. He loved Surf Country and hated Valleys way more than he now loved Jesse. Like thirty bucks more even.
"Hey Jesse," devil's advocated Jeremy. I mean, he was about to devil's advocate. He was actually just getting Jesse's attention in the last quote. Also he believed his argument so maybe he was just the devil. But he didn't want people to know that he believed his argument so he was pretending to just be an advocate. "We should spray paint 'Valleys go home' all over the place because I'm tired of my shoulders being ridden over."
"Oh, Jeremy," patronized Jesse in that way everybody but Jeremy loved. Simeon and Jacob and Terence and Sebastian and Philip and the other ones all loved it when Jesse looked at them like they were Italian dogs being told to roll over in French. "Render unto Brad what is Brad's. Duh!"
"That doesn't make any sense, Jesse," replied Jeremy to the audible gasps of the other eight men at the table. I mean ten? Maybe some of them didn't gasp because their mouths were full of Jesse. You'll understand what that means after the next paragraph! "The waves aren't for Valleys! They're our waves!"
"Oh, Jeremy," Jesse continued in that patronizing way. "This rad pizza is my tubular flesh. And the Mountain Dew is my blood, Brah. Duh!"
After throwing up, seven of Jesse's friends said, "We totally understand why you said that!" They looked dumbly at Jesse like a French dog being told to roll over in Italian.
"Man, this is my last dinner with you jerks!" cried Jeremy as he thought about how much non-Jesse's-flesh pizza he could buy with thirty bucks.
"Well, why don't you leave the tip, what with all that thirty money you have," scowled Jesse but in a righteous way. "And Terence can deny having ordered the appetizers!"
"What?! Why would you say that?" asked Terence. "And I didn't order them!"
"Oh my goodness! How did he know you'd say that?!" cried Sebastian! "It's a miracle!"
"He knew I'd say it because I didn't order them!" denied Terence.
"Are you sure?" asked Philip.
"Of course I'm sure I didn't order them! My stomach can't handle all that cheese!" denied Terence again.
"Oh, to hell with this!" exclaimed Jeremy. "That's him! That one! The one in the Pacific Beach t-shirt!" Several Valleys rushed in to grab Jesse.
"I got him!" yelled Brad!
"Me too!" yelled Brad! It was a different Brad from the Valley than that first Brad from the Valley.
"Oh no!" screamed eleven friends of Jesse! "Let's challenge them to a surfing contest!"
"Put away your boards!" exclaimed Jesse as he winked at the camera. Later he surfed for everybody's sins. That was the exciting part. But the important part was that he made it through the tube three days later as all the bikini-clad onlookers watched in shock and amazement. Everybody always remembered him forever after that, especially the way he hated gay people.
The End!
Comic Book Reviews!
Comic Book Reviews!
Eternity Girl #2
By Visaggio, Liew, and Chuckry
Rating: One of my favorite things in the world after Oreos are writers who tell people how to write. It's always so informative for people who think they want to be writers but aren't actually writers. Because if you're a writer, you write. If you're a person who wants to be a writer, you ask writers what it takes to be a writer. Luckily for my love of writers who give writing advice, Magdalene Visaggio (the writer of Eternity Girl!) drops some knowledge on us at the end of this issue: "[W]riting is about saying yes more than it is about saying no. Don't let your fear that your stuff isn't good enough stop you from listening to your instincts. You don't have to be a genius right when you start; spend time writing and figuring out what kind of writer you want to be, and then you'll know what ideas work and don't for what you are doing."
Let's see. I definitely say yes more than I say no, as people (for example, all editors) who constantly criticize my writing will attest. I definitely wasn't a genius when I started out (and have no expectation that I'm somehow growing into a genius the further along I go). I have spent time writing but I don't think I've spent enough time figuring out what kind of writer I want to be! Is that how writing is done? Am I supposed to have an image of me on the back cover of my first novel and write toward that? I want to be one of those guys smoking a pipe and banging tons of ladies. What's a look that says "I bang a ton of ladies!" since I don't think publishers actually let you stick a photograph of you banging a ton of ladies right on the back cover of your novel. And finally, I'm not sure if I'm following the advice of that last sentence because I'm still trying to parse it.
One more great piece of advice from Magdalene: "Live fearlessly, and honestly; this is the only life you get." That's pretty profound when you think about it. I mean, seriously. Think about it! Have you ever considered that you only have one life? I bet you haven't or else you'd be spending it smoking pipes and banging tons of chicks and/or dudes! If you aren't puffing away on a pipe right now feeling superior, you're wasting your life!
In my early twenties, I had that only life you get epiphany and stupidly told my current girlfriend. She, understanding my mind better than I did at the time, said, "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I thought it was obvious but I was apparently wrong because she saw my epiphany better than I did! Obviously what my mind was telling me in its stupidly grandiose way was this: "You probably need to break up with your current girlfriend." My mind was right but I was a naïve asshole who probably gave people writing advice and definitely shouldn't have told my girlfriend that thing that was basically code for "I need a new direction in life and some space and really need to change some things, especially one big relationship thing!"
I should probably review this comic book now. I'm not sure how I feel about this series after this issue. I liked the first issue but this one was just depressing. I'm starting to see how a book about a main character desperate to die can be a bit of a downer. The commentary on comic book continuity didn't help to make me feel any better by thinking, "Whoa! Was that post-modern? I think that was post-modern? What is post-modernity anyway? Is asking that post-modern?!"
Two point six out of five stars.
New Super-man and the Justice League of China #22
By Yang, Peeples, Santorelli, and Hi-fi
Rating: This comic book is less fun than it used to be. Three point one stars out of six.
Detective Comics #978
By Tynion IV, Fernandez, and Kalisz
Rating: You might remember how I said I was going to stop picking up this book because I hate typing the IV on Tynion's name, right? Well I did it! I took it off of my subscription box at the local comic book store! But I still have a couple of issues to read in the stack. This is one of them. I haven't read it yet but ignorance has never stopped me from reviewing a comic book. I'm sure this one is as mediocre and Tim Drake heavy as the previous dozen. Two point seven stars out of twelve.
Suicide Squad #39
By Williams, Edwards, and Arreola
Rating: I finally dropped this book as well. It's a shame it's been mostly bad for the last six and a half years since, seeing it on the shelf in December of 2011 while in Phoenix, Arizona, it was the impetus that got me back into comics and reading The New 52. If I had to judge the past seven years based on the quality of comic books I've read since that moment, I'd say it was a bad decision to walk into that comic book store. But if I had to judge it on how much enjoyment it's given me through writing about comic books, it was one of the best decisions of my life. But now, I must finally break up with this comic book because Rob Williams writes terrible one-dimensional characters. He isn't as funny as he might think he is. I suppose he doesn't give a shit if his characters' quips are humorous or not. He just knows he gets the same dollar amount per page no matter how shitty the quality of each page. Well, I finally give a shit and I won't read this shit any more. Point five out of ten stars.
Justice League of America #28
By Orlando, Petrus, and Hi-Fi
Rating: Now that Lobo has left the team, I can finally read this comic book with clarity and objectivity. And it's not very good. For some reason, Orlando has decided that telling a good story is less important than stating a thesis and then restating that thesis and then grabbing the reader by the back of the neck and rubbing the reader's face in that thesis. I'm not sure why he even bothered to give the script to an artist. He could have just written "Inspiration is the most important thing in the world (after diversity, of course. But we covered that in the early issues)." The premise of this story is that super-heroes inspire people to greatness. That hasn't been the reality of comic books for decades (since Watchmen, probably?) but it's still a shared delusion that comic book readers all pretend to believe. Super-heroes aren't meant to take care of our problems for us because that apparently makes us weaker (although that's been the plot of every comic book since Watchmen. Probably); super-heroes inspire us to be as heroic as they are (except more heroic because we aren't invulnerable or good looking). But how could super-heroes be so inspiring if they didn't have inspiration as well? Nobody thinks up or does anything meaningful by themselves. Somebody has to do nothing but inspire before somebody else can think, "Oh! I hadn't thought of that! Now let me do all the real work while you go on singing or raising awareness or being famous or whatever." So super-heroes were inspired by a god of super-heroes whose existence they depend on. I guess without him, little Bruce Wayne would have just shrugged his shoulders after his parents were murdered and grown up to be another boring businessman.
Chronos has decided the way to defeat all the heroes at once is to kill Ahl, the god of super-heroes, with a magic brick. This is one of the few stories in recorded history that would be made better by a final revelation that it was all a dream. The other stories that would be made better by the dream revelation thing are the previous stories in this comic book series. Hopefully the final issue of Justice League of America will be Batman being awakened by one of his own long and painful farts. Then Alfred will walk in, make a sour face, and wave his hands in front of his nose before thinking, "That reminds me. Whatever happened to Batcow?"
One star out of seven.
Action Comics #1000
By lots of people.
Speaking of inspiration being the means to the end of itself, here's an eight dollar book with a bunch of stories all about inspiration! The stories within are best summarized by Geoff Johns and Dick Donner's story "The Car." It's about the guy who owned the car on the cover of Action Comics #1. The man's car is a metaphor for the man's life: he can either fix it or junk it. Superman gives him the option to make his life about helping make other people's lives better so they don't have to live the shitty life that led this man into crime. As Superman and the man speak, the guy says, out of nowhere, really, "Out on 45th, yeah. It used to get so hot, we always wanted to go swimmin' but there weren't no pool." As I read that, my eyes rolled and I blacked out for three minutes. "What the fuck was that non sequitur?" I thought critically. Sure, Superman mentioned the guy grew up in the orphanage on 45th. But who suddenly goes into some sort of nostalgic reverie over that comment? Shouldn't he just be like, "Yeah, I growed up there, Supes. What of it?!"
But being a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, I know when dialogue that sounds unnaturally wedged into the story has been placed there to make a point later. So this man whom Superman lets go to fix his life or junk it chooses to fix his life by making the world a better place. And how does he do that? By breaking fire hydrants down on 45th so that the kids can keep cool! Thank God Superman is on the job to inspire people to make a difference! Can you imagine if those kids had to be a little too warm for a few weeks without this do-gooder's do-gooding?! I'm so glad Superman is out there inspiring us all to be our best selves!
Paul Dini's story, Actionland, is the best story because unlike Tom King and Scott Snyder and Geoff Johns and that Bendis guy, he doesn't think he has to be the smartest guy in the story collection. He just writes a dirty story about Mxyzptlk's sex life complete with rocket boners and purple-headed innuendos. I wonder how many young people will check this out of their elementary school library and get their first sexy time feelings reading this? They'll probably be confused and it will impact their sex life for decades after.
Brad Meltzer decides to twist the idea that everybody else came up with for this book: he has Superman inspired by the people he saves! But his story sucks because it didn't end with "I apologize for killing Sue Dibny."
Rating: I lied. This issue isn't about Superman being inspiring at all. It's, apparently, all about whether or not he's Superman without the red briefs. According to nearly every writer and artist in this issue, Superman's underwear is the most important part of Superman. And while some of them simply put the underwear back on him without saying much about it, Bendis seems to think his entire story hinges on mentioning it over and over and over again. I've never read Bendis so I'm now thinking, "This is what everybody raves about?" I'll simply assume this isn't his best work rather than assume it's typical of his writing. Although why would he write such overwrought pap for his big debut at DC? I'm not talking about the pages of underwear dialogue now. I'm talking about the prologue he's written for whatever he's doing next for DC. Once again we have a writer who believes their voice is so important to the comic book world that they have to bring about their vision of the Superman mythos by rewriting the entire thing. So welcome DoomsMongulod, the newest and worst nemesis Superman has ever faced! Working with Jor-el (because we haven't gotten enough reworking of Jor-el into a terrible person over the last few years (what is this fascination with making the previously glorified parents of superheroes into pieces of shit?)), Rogol Zarr (the Doomsday Mongul Zod Lobo mash-up) was the cause of Krypton's destruction in his quest to kill all Kryptonians.
Okay, maybe Jor-el wasn't part of this guy's quest. I should probably point out that Rogol Zarr simply says he promised Jor-el that he'd destroy all Kryptonians. That was probably meant as a threat and not a handshake deal. I just needed to add this paragraph because my facetiousness is hard to read in written texts to an online audience rabid to correct as many people as possible (whether they need correcting or not!).
58 stars out of 1000.
Kick-Ass #3
By Millar and Romita Jr.
Rating: Kick-Ass finally learns that she's not in a comic book. I mean, she is. But the premise is that she isn't. And she learns the painful lesson about reality this issue when everything goes to hell and she's captured by her nemesis. You can tell he's her nemesis because he looks different than all the other characters who pretty much look the same. That way when she encounters him, she doesn't have to think his name so the reader can say, "Oh! That's who that is! Her brother-in-law! There's no way I would have remembered." Now when Violencia appears, the reader can exclaim, "That's that guy! The really bad one! You can tell because he's covered in tattoos and piercings!" Then everybody in the coffee shop can scowl at that imaginary reader for shouting although it could have been worse. I almost made the reader shout, "That's the fucking cunt who almost killed Kick-Ass!" Then they really would have had a reason to scowl self-righteously.
3 stars out of 5. It might be standard Kick-Ass fare but I guess it's sort of entertaining if you've completely forgotten the premise of the first two Kick-Asses (which is also the premise of this Kick-Ass (I think. I've forgotten the premise of the first two)).
Deadman #6
By Neil Adams
Rating: Thank the stars this is the final issue so I don't have to feel compelled to buy another issue of this nonsensical garbage. I said "Thank the stars!" because I don't believe in God. But is thanking the stars any more reasonable than thanking God even when I don't believe in Him? Because now I sound like one of those wacky jerks from the seventies who believed in astrology and extra body hair and big orange vans.
Every cover of this series has had some kind of secret or special cover right up until this one. But I figure this one must have some kind of secret so I completely ruined it due to being convinced it was a Mad Fold-in. I'm still not positive it isn't so maybe I'll scan it into Photoshop and play around with it for a bit.
By Visaggio, Liew, and Chuckry
Rating: One of my favorite things in the world after Oreos are writers who tell people how to write. It's always so informative for people who think they want to be writers but aren't actually writers. Because if you're a writer, you write. If you're a person who wants to be a writer, you ask writers what it takes to be a writer. Luckily for my love of writers who give writing advice, Magdalene Visaggio (the writer of Eternity Girl!) drops some knowledge on us at the end of this issue: "[W]riting is about saying yes more than it is about saying no. Don't let your fear that your stuff isn't good enough stop you from listening to your instincts. You don't have to be a genius right when you start; spend time writing and figuring out what kind of writer you want to be, and then you'll know what ideas work and don't for what you are doing."
Let's see. I definitely say yes more than I say no, as people (for example, all editors) who constantly criticize my writing will attest. I definitely wasn't a genius when I started out (and have no expectation that I'm somehow growing into a genius the further along I go). I have spent time writing but I don't think I've spent enough time figuring out what kind of writer I want to be! Is that how writing is done? Am I supposed to have an image of me on the back cover of my first novel and write toward that? I want to be one of those guys smoking a pipe and banging tons of ladies. What's a look that says "I bang a ton of ladies!" since I don't think publishers actually let you stick a photograph of you banging a ton of ladies right on the back cover of your novel. And finally, I'm not sure if I'm following the advice of that last sentence because I'm still trying to parse it.
One more great piece of advice from Magdalene: "Live fearlessly, and honestly; this is the only life you get." That's pretty profound when you think about it. I mean, seriously. Think about it! Have you ever considered that you only have one life? I bet you haven't or else you'd be spending it smoking pipes and banging tons of chicks and/or dudes! If you aren't puffing away on a pipe right now feeling superior, you're wasting your life!
In my early twenties, I had that only life you get epiphany and stupidly told my current girlfriend. She, understanding my mind better than I did at the time, said, "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I thought it was obvious but I was apparently wrong because she saw my epiphany better than I did! Obviously what my mind was telling me in its stupidly grandiose way was this: "You probably need to break up with your current girlfriend." My mind was right but I was a naïve asshole who probably gave people writing advice and definitely shouldn't have told my girlfriend that thing that was basically code for "I need a new direction in life and some space and really need to change some things, especially one big relationship thing!"
I should probably review this comic book now. I'm not sure how I feel about this series after this issue. I liked the first issue but this one was just depressing. I'm starting to see how a book about a main character desperate to die can be a bit of a downer. The commentary on comic book continuity didn't help to make me feel any better by thinking, "Whoa! Was that post-modern? I think that was post-modern? What is post-modernity anyway? Is asking that post-modern?!"
Two point six out of five stars.
New Super-man and the Justice League of China #22
By Yang, Peeples, Santorelli, and Hi-fi
Rating: This comic book is less fun than it used to be. Three point one stars out of six.
Detective Comics #978
By Tynion IV, Fernandez, and Kalisz
Rating: You might remember how I said I was going to stop picking up this book because I hate typing the IV on Tynion's name, right? Well I did it! I took it off of my subscription box at the local comic book store! But I still have a couple of issues to read in the stack. This is one of them. I haven't read it yet but ignorance has never stopped me from reviewing a comic book. I'm sure this one is as mediocre and Tim Drake heavy as the previous dozen. Two point seven stars out of twelve.
Suicide Squad #39
By Williams, Edwards, and Arreola
Rating: I finally dropped this book as well. It's a shame it's been mostly bad for the last six and a half years since, seeing it on the shelf in December of 2011 while in Phoenix, Arizona, it was the impetus that got me back into comics and reading The New 52. If I had to judge the past seven years based on the quality of comic books I've read since that moment, I'd say it was a bad decision to walk into that comic book store. But if I had to judge it on how much enjoyment it's given me through writing about comic books, it was one of the best decisions of my life. But now, I must finally break up with this comic book because Rob Williams writes terrible one-dimensional characters. He isn't as funny as he might think he is. I suppose he doesn't give a shit if his characters' quips are humorous or not. He just knows he gets the same dollar amount per page no matter how shitty the quality of each page. Well, I finally give a shit and I won't read this shit any more. Point five out of ten stars.
Justice League of America #28
By Orlando, Petrus, and Hi-Fi
Rating: Now that Lobo has left the team, I can finally read this comic book with clarity and objectivity. And it's not very good. For some reason, Orlando has decided that telling a good story is less important than stating a thesis and then restating that thesis and then grabbing the reader by the back of the neck and rubbing the reader's face in that thesis. I'm not sure why he even bothered to give the script to an artist. He could have just written "Inspiration is the most important thing in the world (after diversity, of course. But we covered that in the early issues)." The premise of this story is that super-heroes inspire people to greatness. That hasn't been the reality of comic books for decades (since Watchmen, probably?) but it's still a shared delusion that comic book readers all pretend to believe. Super-heroes aren't meant to take care of our problems for us because that apparently makes us weaker (although that's been the plot of every comic book since Watchmen. Probably); super-heroes inspire us to be as heroic as they are (except more heroic because we aren't invulnerable or good looking). But how could super-heroes be so inspiring if they didn't have inspiration as well? Nobody thinks up or does anything meaningful by themselves. Somebody has to do nothing but inspire before somebody else can think, "Oh! I hadn't thought of that! Now let me do all the real work while you go on singing or raising awareness or being famous or whatever." So super-heroes were inspired by a god of super-heroes whose existence they depend on. I guess without him, little Bruce Wayne would have just shrugged his shoulders after his parents were murdered and grown up to be another boring businessman.
Chronos has decided the way to defeat all the heroes at once is to kill Ahl, the god of super-heroes, with a magic brick. This is one of the few stories in recorded history that would be made better by a final revelation that it was all a dream. The other stories that would be made better by the dream revelation thing are the previous stories in this comic book series. Hopefully the final issue of Justice League of America will be Batman being awakened by one of his own long and painful farts. Then Alfred will walk in, make a sour face, and wave his hands in front of his nose before thinking, "That reminds me. Whatever happened to Batcow?"
One star out of seven.
Action Comics #1000
By lots of people.
Speaking of inspiration being the means to the end of itself, here's an eight dollar book with a bunch of stories all about inspiration! The stories within are best summarized by Geoff Johns and Dick Donner's story "The Car." It's about the guy who owned the car on the cover of Action Comics #1. The man's car is a metaphor for the man's life: he can either fix it or junk it. Superman gives him the option to make his life about helping make other people's lives better so they don't have to live the shitty life that led this man into crime. As Superman and the man speak, the guy says, out of nowhere, really, "Out on 45th, yeah. It used to get so hot, we always wanted to go swimmin' but there weren't no pool." As I read that, my eyes rolled and I blacked out for three minutes. "What the fuck was that non sequitur?" I thought critically. Sure, Superman mentioned the guy grew up in the orphanage on 45th. But who suddenly goes into some sort of nostalgic reverie over that comment? Shouldn't he just be like, "Yeah, I growed up there, Supes. What of it?!"
But being a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, I know when dialogue that sounds unnaturally wedged into the story has been placed there to make a point later. So this man whom Superman lets go to fix his life or junk it chooses to fix his life by making the world a better place. And how does he do that? By breaking fire hydrants down on 45th so that the kids can keep cool! Thank God Superman is on the job to inspire people to make a difference! Can you imagine if those kids had to be a little too warm for a few weeks without this do-gooder's do-gooding?! I'm so glad Superman is out there inspiring us all to be our best selves!
Paul Dini's story, Actionland, is the best story because unlike Tom King and Scott Snyder and Geoff Johns and that Bendis guy, he doesn't think he has to be the smartest guy in the story collection. He just writes a dirty story about Mxyzptlk's sex life complete with rocket boners and purple-headed innuendos. I wonder how many young people will check this out of their elementary school library and get their first sexy time feelings reading this? They'll probably be confused and it will impact their sex life for decades after.
Brad Meltzer decides to twist the idea that everybody else came up with for this book: he has Superman inspired by the people he saves! But his story sucks because it didn't end with "I apologize for killing Sue Dibny."
Rating: I lied. This issue isn't about Superman being inspiring at all. It's, apparently, all about whether or not he's Superman without the red briefs. According to nearly every writer and artist in this issue, Superman's underwear is the most important part of Superman. And while some of them simply put the underwear back on him without saying much about it, Bendis seems to think his entire story hinges on mentioning it over and over and over again. I've never read Bendis so I'm now thinking, "This is what everybody raves about?" I'll simply assume this isn't his best work rather than assume it's typical of his writing. Although why would he write such overwrought pap for his big debut at DC? I'm not talking about the pages of underwear dialogue now. I'm talking about the prologue he's written for whatever he's doing next for DC. Once again we have a writer who believes their voice is so important to the comic book world that they have to bring about their vision of the Superman mythos by rewriting the entire thing. So welcome DoomsMongulod, the newest and worst nemesis Superman has ever faced! Working with Jor-el (because we haven't gotten enough reworking of Jor-el into a terrible person over the last few years (what is this fascination with making the previously glorified parents of superheroes into pieces of shit?)), Rogol Zarr (the Doomsday Mongul Zod Lobo mash-up) was the cause of Krypton's destruction in his quest to kill all Kryptonians.
Okay, maybe Jor-el wasn't part of this guy's quest. I should probably point out that Rogol Zarr simply says he promised Jor-el that he'd destroy all Kryptonians. That was probably meant as a threat and not a handshake deal. I just needed to add this paragraph because my facetiousness is hard to read in written texts to an online audience rabid to correct as many people as possible (whether they need correcting or not!).
58 stars out of 1000.
Kick-Ass #3
By Millar and Romita Jr.
Rating: Kick-Ass finally learns that she's not in a comic book. I mean, she is. But the premise is that she isn't. And she learns the painful lesson about reality this issue when everything goes to hell and she's captured by her nemesis. You can tell he's her nemesis because he looks different than all the other characters who pretty much look the same. That way when she encounters him, she doesn't have to think his name so the reader can say, "Oh! That's who that is! Her brother-in-law! There's no way I would have remembered." Now when Violencia appears, the reader can exclaim, "That's that guy! The really bad one! You can tell because he's covered in tattoos and piercings!" Then everybody in the coffee shop can scowl at that imaginary reader for shouting although it could have been worse. I almost made the reader shout, "That's the fucking cunt who almost killed Kick-Ass!" Then they really would have had a reason to scowl self-righteously.
3 stars out of 5. It might be standard Kick-Ass fare but I guess it's sort of entertaining if you've completely forgotten the premise of the first two Kick-Asses (which is also the premise of this Kick-Ass (I think. I've forgotten the premise of the first two)).
Deadman #6
By Neil Adams
Rating: Thank the stars this is the final issue so I don't have to feel compelled to buy another issue of this nonsensical garbage. I said "Thank the stars!" because I don't believe in God. But is thanking the stars any more reasonable than thanking God even when I don't believe in Him? Because now I sound like one of those wacky jerks from the seventies who believed in astrology and extra body hair and big orange vans.
Every cover of this series has had some kind of secret or special cover right up until this one. But I figure this one must have some kind of secret so I completely ruined it due to being convinced it was a Mad Fold-in. I'm still not positive it isn't so maybe I'll scan it into Photoshop and play around with it for a bit.
It's no good! I can't figure it out! I'm stumped as to how this cover is special. Maybe the fact that it's not special is how it's special! Maybe the only secret is the eye in Deadman's musculature?
Reading Deadman is like watching somebody have a stroke in slow motion. Did people at DC Comics simply accept the pages of this comic book without checking up on Neal? Editor Kristy Quinn must have been paid to not do her job. "Just accept whatever he turns in, Kristy," ordered DiDio as he wrote up a complaint to Human Resources about how long James Tynion IV holds eye contact. "It's not like he's going to come up with anything better on a second try. Did you read The Coming of the Supermen? No? Nobody did. Don't bother reading this either."
At one point during Deadman's "conversation" with Rama Kushna, he says, "You got no time to shut up and get on with it!" I have now spent longer contemplating the meaning of that line than the meaning of my own existence.
I think maybe this issue is a transcription of Neal Adams' personal conversation with God. Or maybe he's ranting at DC Comics for stealing all of his life's ideas and treating him like shit. Doesn't this sound more like Neal ranting at DC than Deadman ranting at Rama Kushna:
Neal: "Do you actually think I want to be here? You suck, you know that? This whole place sucks! If I could...I'd spit on you!"
More Neal, continued: "And you...you soulless witch...you have all my secrets and you hold them away from me!! I hate you...with a blue flame, Rama Bullpucky. You lie to me...and you compound your lies!! You're like a politician. You don't even know when you're lying."
Neal and/or Deadman seems angry at something but it's never really made clear. Nothing in this book was ever clear. It's the ramblings of a madman who gets to draw and say whatever he likes for a paycheck. I'm so fucking envious of Neal Adams right now! Who knew that by working hard your entire life at a job that earns you kudos and respect, a person can be rewarded with a paying soapbox to do whatever the fuck they want?! Why didn't somebody tell me this at twenty?! Instead, I've been on the non-paying soapbox trying to garner an audience by rambling like a madman! Stupid system!
Zero stars out of ten.
At one point during Deadman's "conversation" with Rama Kushna, he says, "You got no time to shut up and get on with it!" I have now spent longer contemplating the meaning of that line than the meaning of my own existence.
I think maybe this issue is a transcription of Neal Adams' personal conversation with God. Or maybe he's ranting at DC Comics for stealing all of his life's ideas and treating him like shit. Doesn't this sound more like Neal ranting at DC than Deadman ranting at Rama Kushna:
Neal: "Do you actually think I want to be here? You suck, you know that? This whole place sucks! If I could...I'd spit on you!"
More Neal, continued: "And you...you soulless witch...you have all my secrets and you hold them away from me!! I hate you...with a blue flame, Rama Bullpucky. You lie to me...and you compound your lies!! You're like a politician. You don't even know when you're lying."
Neal and/or Deadman seems angry at something but it's never really made clear. Nothing in this book was ever clear. It's the ramblings of a madman who gets to draw and say whatever he likes for a paycheck. I'm so fucking envious of Neal Adams right now! Who knew that by working hard your entire life at a job that earns you kudos and respect, a person can be rewarded with a paying soapbox to do whatever the fuck they want?! Why didn't somebody tell me this at twenty?! Instead, I've been on the non-paying soapbox trying to garner an audience by rambling like a madman! Stupid system!
Zero stars out of ten.
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Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews!
Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews!
Praise the Lord by Everlast
There are as many versions of rap as there are versions of rock. Maybe more since rock only has the two types: "I love fucking girls" and "There's a girl I want to fuck but she won't let me." I guess if we think of "Prog Rock" as rock, we discover a few more kinds of rock themes, such as "Don't help poor people because it hinders their ambition," and "I read a book once and I'm going to tell you about it now." Some people think the only versions of rap and/or hip hop that exist are "We're about to fuck, baby" and "Let's kill some cops." But this is Everlast so we get the white variation on rap with this song which is "I got beats and can rhyme better than all the other n-words, yo!" I'm not a white rapper so I'm not allowed to say the n-word when I'm being a bit jokey. If I were writing a serious treatise on whatever serious people write about, I would totally use it. The only other time I'd actually use the word n-word is if playing it would help me win a Scrabble championship. And then I'd probably make it plural to get the fifty point bonus and also so I could play it by pluralizing the last word I played, faggot. Although, I bet Scrabble doesn't allow players to use the n-word and I'd lose in a challenge. But they have to allow faggot because I was using the British variation of it, of course.
Anyway, this song by the jump around guy playing a character named Whitey Ford was written to express how great he is at writing rap songs (presumably all about how great he is at writing rap songs about how great he is). At one point, he compares himself to Edgar Allen Poe which I thought was super clever because I recognized that name as a writer of psychological thrillers and sado-masochistic porn. He also mentions farting in a line where some people catch the vapors. Is that old-time farting? Probably!
Grade: C.
Crocodile by XTC
This song falls into a sub-category of "There's a girl I want to fuck but she won't let me" because it's about Andy Partridge's wife who left him. I think. Aren't all the songs on Nonsuch about that? I suppose every song in existence could be about Andy Partridge and his divorce from his wife Marianne if I think about it for long enough.
The problem with this song is that it's on an album where I love half of the songs so much that it causes me to dislike the other songs even more than I normally would. So "Crocodile" and "Holly Up On Poppy" and "Humble Daisy" and "Bungalow" wind up covered in my spit and invective because I'd rather hear "War Dance" or "Rook" or "The Ballad of Peter Pumpkinhead" or "Dear Madam Barnum" or "Books Are Burning."
Also, I read up on this album a little bit and discovered that the supposed crocodile noises in "Crocodile" are actually just slowed down pig grunts. Being that I have no understanding of my emotional responses to things (if that emotional response is anything other than blind, angry hatred), I don't know if this impresses me or makes me feel like fool.
Grade: C.
18 Wheeler by Pink
Pink lets us know immediately in this song that we can't keep her down after which she makes me realize my categories of rock songs are completely sexist! Who knew I was sexist?! I certainly learned something today! Also maybe I'm racist and homophobic based on my Scrabble bit earlier!
Anyway, Pink's song, "18 Wheeler," falls into the rock category of "I'm the girl that's not going to let you fuck her." So while my categories were sexist in their initial perspective, they still work, I guess. It's also a good example of how the "girl" and the "fucking" in my category are completely metaphorical. See, you thought I was really limiting myself in my categories while also being sexist, didn't you?! Well maybe you won't underestimate me next time now that I've pretended I knew what I was doing all along.
Let me explain: the "18 Wheeler" is a metaphor for music producers. I think. And Pink is all, "You aren't going to treat me like a slave because I'll join the Underground Railroad. Choo choo!" Which might be a bit of an iffy metaphor, Pink. I mean, do you really want to compare yourself to a slave when you're a rock star? I suppose it isn't as bad as her song called "My Vietnam" in which Pink declares how helping feed the homeless one time in her life was as bad as Vietnam. At times, Pink can get really melodramatic.
iTunes lists the album Missundaztood under the genre of "Dance & House." Who comes up with these things? I'm pretty sure this song is simply "Rock" or "Pop." It certainly doesn't make me want to dance. Especially when Pink pronounces "sword" as "suh-ward."
Grade: C.
Last Dance by The Cure
Most of the songs on Disintegration fall into a subcategory of "There's a girl I want to fuck but she won't let me." That subcategory is "There's a girl I want to fuck but she won't let me because she drowned or something just as tragic. Maybe she just moved on with her life and left me to wither in my heartbreak and pain." This song seems to be about the death of innocence, or the dangers of living in nostalgia, or, maybe, about a man who murders a woman he once loved when they were children because she doesn't love him anymore. It's hard to tell because every song on Disintegration sounds as if you've just taken six Vicodin (it's the only opiate-based medication I've ever taken so it's all I can compare it to! Otherwise I'd probably say, "Five seconds on a morphine drip!" or "Three spoons of heroin!" or "Tea derived from steeping twenty-eight opium poppies!") and learned to listen to music through gauze while somebody sits by you, holding and caressing your hand, reminding you of the death of every pet you've ever had.
Disintegration really is an album that probably did more harm than good hearing it at the time of my life I did. What I needed was an album that had songs like "How Many Times Does She Have to Tell You No, You Stalker?!" and "Take Control of Your Emotions, You Jackass!" and "Get on With Living, Dope!" Instead I discovered this album which was all, "Why?" and "How could she?" and "Maybe She Can Love Me If I Just Invest Even More Time Than I've Already Wasted!"
Grade: A+.
Some Fantastic by Bare Naked Ladies
I've never before noticed how much this song sounds like somebody simply hit a tempo button on an 80s keyboard before ad-libbing some goofy lyrics. Do all Bare Naked Ladies songs sound that way? I'm currently convinced the answer to that question is "How did I never notice it before?!"
I was just goofing around when I came up with my rock categories but this song is another version of the "There's a girl I want to fuck but she won't let me." But instead of being sad about it, this guy is all, "If I think about it enough, I'll come up with some ridiculous plan to get her to sleep with me!" Then he lists all of those plans. I think if he had one more verse, it would be all, "I'll buy a van and remove the handles from the inside door before learning which bus you take to work after which I'll pull up and ask you if you can help me find my lost puppy. But first I need to learn where I can buy chloroform."
Grade: B-.
There are as many versions of rap as there are versions of rock. Maybe more since rock only has the two types: "I love fucking girls" and "There's a girl I want to fuck but she won't let me." I guess if we think of "Prog Rock" as rock, we discover a few more kinds of rock themes, such as "Don't help poor people because it hinders their ambition," and "I read a book once and I'm going to tell you about it now." Some people think the only versions of rap and/or hip hop that exist are "We're about to fuck, baby" and "Let's kill some cops." But this is Everlast so we get the white variation on rap with this song which is "I got beats and can rhyme better than all the other n-words, yo!" I'm not a white rapper so I'm not allowed to say the n-word when I'm being a bit jokey. If I were writing a serious treatise on whatever serious people write about, I would totally use it. The only other time I'd actually use the word n-word is if playing it would help me win a Scrabble championship. And then I'd probably make it plural to get the fifty point bonus and also so I could play it by pluralizing the last word I played, faggot. Although, I bet Scrabble doesn't allow players to use the n-word and I'd lose in a challenge. But they have to allow faggot because I was using the British variation of it, of course.
Anyway, this song by the jump around guy playing a character named Whitey Ford was written to express how great he is at writing rap songs (presumably all about how great he is at writing rap songs about how great he is). At one point, he compares himself to Edgar Allen Poe which I thought was super clever because I recognized that name as a writer of psychological thrillers and sado-masochistic porn. He also mentions farting in a line where some people catch the vapors. Is that old-time farting? Probably!
Grade: C.
Crocodile by XTC
This song falls into a sub-category of "There's a girl I want to fuck but she won't let me" because it's about Andy Partridge's wife who left him. I think. Aren't all the songs on Nonsuch about that? I suppose every song in existence could be about Andy Partridge and his divorce from his wife Marianne if I think about it for long enough.
The problem with this song is that it's on an album where I love half of the songs so much that it causes me to dislike the other songs even more than I normally would. So "Crocodile" and "Holly Up On Poppy" and "Humble Daisy" and "Bungalow" wind up covered in my spit and invective because I'd rather hear "War Dance" or "Rook" or "The Ballad of Peter Pumpkinhead" or "Dear Madam Barnum" or "Books Are Burning."
Also, I read up on this album a little bit and discovered that the supposed crocodile noises in "Crocodile" are actually just slowed down pig grunts. Being that I have no understanding of my emotional responses to things (if that emotional response is anything other than blind, angry hatred), I don't know if this impresses me or makes me feel like fool.
Grade: C.
18 Wheeler by Pink
Pink lets us know immediately in this song that we can't keep her down after which she makes me realize my categories of rock songs are completely sexist! Who knew I was sexist?! I certainly learned something today! Also maybe I'm racist and homophobic based on my Scrabble bit earlier!
Anyway, Pink's song, "18 Wheeler," falls into the rock category of "I'm the girl that's not going to let you fuck her." So while my categories were sexist in their initial perspective, they still work, I guess. It's also a good example of how the "girl" and the "fucking" in my category are completely metaphorical. See, you thought I was really limiting myself in my categories while also being sexist, didn't you?! Well maybe you won't underestimate me next time now that I've pretended I knew what I was doing all along.
Let me explain: the "18 Wheeler" is a metaphor for music producers. I think. And Pink is all, "You aren't going to treat me like a slave because I'll join the Underground Railroad. Choo choo!" Which might be a bit of an iffy metaphor, Pink. I mean, do you really want to compare yourself to a slave when you're a rock star? I suppose it isn't as bad as her song called "My Vietnam" in which Pink declares how helping feed the homeless one time in her life was as bad as Vietnam. At times, Pink can get really melodramatic.
iTunes lists the album Missundaztood under the genre of "Dance & House." Who comes up with these things? I'm pretty sure this song is simply "Rock" or "Pop." It certainly doesn't make me want to dance. Especially when Pink pronounces "sword" as "suh-ward."
Grade: C.
Last Dance by The Cure
Most of the songs on Disintegration fall into a subcategory of "There's a girl I want to fuck but she won't let me." That subcategory is "There's a girl I want to fuck but she won't let me because she drowned or something just as tragic. Maybe she just moved on with her life and left me to wither in my heartbreak and pain." This song seems to be about the death of innocence, or the dangers of living in nostalgia, or, maybe, about a man who murders a woman he once loved when they were children because she doesn't love him anymore. It's hard to tell because every song on Disintegration sounds as if you've just taken six Vicodin (it's the only opiate-based medication I've ever taken so it's all I can compare it to! Otherwise I'd probably say, "Five seconds on a morphine drip!" or "Three spoons of heroin!" or "Tea derived from steeping twenty-eight opium poppies!") and learned to listen to music through gauze while somebody sits by you, holding and caressing your hand, reminding you of the death of every pet you've ever had.
Disintegration really is an album that probably did more harm than good hearing it at the time of my life I did. What I needed was an album that had songs like "How Many Times Does She Have to Tell You No, You Stalker?!" and "Take Control of Your Emotions, You Jackass!" and "Get on With Living, Dope!" Instead I discovered this album which was all, "Why?" and "How could she?" and "Maybe She Can Love Me If I Just Invest Even More Time Than I've Already Wasted!"
Grade: A+.
Some Fantastic by Bare Naked Ladies
I've never before noticed how much this song sounds like somebody simply hit a tempo button on an 80s keyboard before ad-libbing some goofy lyrics. Do all Bare Naked Ladies songs sound that way? I'm currently convinced the answer to that question is "How did I never notice it before?!"
I was just goofing around when I came up with my rock categories but this song is another version of the "There's a girl I want to fuck but she won't let me." But instead of being sad about it, this guy is all, "If I think about it enough, I'll come up with some ridiculous plan to get her to sleep with me!" Then he lists all of those plans. I think if he had one more verse, it would be all, "I'll buy a van and remove the handles from the inside door before learning which bus you take to work after which I'll pull up and ask you if you can help me find my lost puppy. But first I need to learn where I can buy chloroform."
Grade: B-.
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Letters to Me!
Letters to Me!
KB writes: There really ought to be an annual Superboy Punch! to clean up continuity. There are of course conflicting opinions about what should be cleaned up, but maybe we start with the comics events that have pissed off a lot of fans, and see if the criticisms are valid, or if there are better versions of those events. Like, Barbara Gordon. There are differing opinions about whether she was better as Oracle in her wheelchair, but I think we can probably agree that the rapey aspects of "The Killing Joke" are worth retconning away.
My Reply: Isn't one of DC's big problems that they try a Superboy Punch! every few years? They should probably just leave everything alone. I especially don't think they should let fans determine what should and shouldn't be canon. They're the worst people to be in charge! Like if I were to write only stuff Doom Bunny wants me to write about, this blog would be full of recipes that didn't have any cheese unless it was cheddar and only in super extreme circumstances. Also if there are nuts in the recipe, there shouldn't be any chocolate. Also every plated recipe would look like an orgasming penis.
My Reply: Isn't one of DC's big problems that they try a Superboy Punch! every few years? They should probably just leave everything alone. I especially don't think they should let fans determine what should and shouldn't be canon. They're the worst people to be in charge! Like if I were to write only stuff Doom Bunny wants me to write about, this blog would be full of recipes that didn't have any cheese unless it was cheddar and only in super extreme circumstances. Also if there are nuts in the recipe, there shouldn't be any chocolate. Also every plated recipe would look like an orgasming penis.
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KB Writes: The young have never heard of Chesterton's Fence. It goes as follows:
"In the matter of reforming things, as distinct from deforming them, there is one plain and simple principle; a principle which will probably be called a paradox. There exists in such a case a certain institution or law; let us say, for the sake of simplicity, a fence or gate erected across a road. The more modern type of reformer goes gaily up to it and says, "I don't see the use of this; let us clear it away." To which the more intelligent type of reformer will do well to answer: "If you don't see the use of it, I certainly won't let you clear it away. Go away and think. Then, when you can come back and tell me that you do see the use of it, I may allow you to destroy it.""
To put it differently, maybe very simple solutions rarely fix the world because the world is a complicated place. Much more often than not, the "wisdom of youth" is more aptly called "the Dunning-Kruger effect". All in all I think it's a good thing that Tynion IV doesn't have the power to remake the world in his image, because good Lord imagine all the fences he'd rip down all willy-nilly.
My Reply: I think Chesterton doesn't describe his paradox clearly enough, or he needs to work on it a bit more. Sometime in my early twenties, I took up the philosophy that if I really despised something, or something really annoyed me for seemingly arbitrary reasons, I should actually pursue that thing as if I were one of the mindless masses to see if I could understand the joy of that thing. It's why I wound up with my tongue pierced in my mid-twenties. Although that also came about as challenging myself to do something ritualistic so that I could, even if only symbolically, feel like I'd made some transition between childhood and adulthood. I suppose taking my cross country trip in my Volkswagen bus was that as well. And that was a good metaphor for my transition to adulthood since my bus broke down halfway across the country.
"In the matter of reforming things, as distinct from deforming them, there is one plain and simple principle; a principle which will probably be called a paradox. There exists in such a case a certain institution or law; let us say, for the sake of simplicity, a fence or gate erected across a road. The more modern type of reformer goes gaily up to it and says, "I don't see the use of this; let us clear it away." To which the more intelligent type of reformer will do well to answer: "If you don't see the use of it, I certainly won't let you clear it away. Go away and think. Then, when you can come back and tell me that you do see the use of it, I may allow you to destroy it.""
To put it differently, maybe very simple solutions rarely fix the world because the world is a complicated place. Much more often than not, the "wisdom of youth" is more aptly called "the Dunning-Kruger effect". All in all I think it's a good thing that Tynion IV doesn't have the power to remake the world in his image, because good Lord imagine all the fences he'd rip down all willy-nilly.
My Reply: I think Chesterton doesn't describe his paradox clearly enough, or he needs to work on it a bit more. Sometime in my early twenties, I took up the philosophy that if I really despised something, or something really annoyed me for seemingly arbitrary reasons, I should actually pursue that thing as if I were one of the mindless masses to see if I could understand the joy of that thing. It's why I wound up with my tongue pierced in my mid-twenties. Although that also came about as challenging myself to do something ritualistic so that I could, even if only symbolically, feel like I'd made some transition between childhood and adulthood. I suppose taking my cross country trip in my Volkswagen bus was that as well. And that was a good metaphor for my transition to adulthood since my bus broke down halfway across the country.
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KB Writes: Can I admit that I miss all your daily thousands and thousands of reviews? Not that I want you to subject yourself to that sort of suffering; we've got only one of you so we should keep you in good repair. But, I really did enjoy all the hard work you did. Have you ever considered re-reviewing Cullen Bunn's work to see if you like it any better years later?
My Reply: I miss doing all of those reviews as well! Which is why I'm doing this! I'm not sad to be reading far, far less comic books though. I've finally gotten back to reading actual books at a reasonable pace again and I'm enjoying it. Plus one used book costs as much as one twenty page comic which just makes me hate comic books even more than I do when I'm reading one by Cullen Bunn. Speaking of which, how dare you ask me to consider re-reading Cullen Bunn's comic books! I was just forgetting about Twat Lobo and now look what you've done? I'm bleeding from my eyes and anus!
My Reply: I miss doing all of those reviews as well! Which is why I'm doing this! I'm not sad to be reading far, far less comic books though. I've finally gotten back to reading actual books at a reasonable pace again and I'm enjoying it. Plus one used book costs as much as one twenty page comic which just makes me hate comic books even more than I do when I'm reading one by Cullen Bunn. Speaking of which, how dare you ask me to consider re-reading Cullen Bunn's comic books! I was just forgetting about Twat Lobo and now look what you've done? I'm bleeding from my eyes and anus!
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That's all for this week! I've forgotten my sign-out! Later, jerkos? That sounds about right!
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