Larfleeze #9

By Stargraves reaction, Larfleeze hasn't lost all of his junk.

Larfleeze is a space dog from the planet I forget the name of the planet. Okaara, I think! That's probably correct but I don't have an assistant to do research for me so I mostly just make up all of my facts. That's a fact! I once had an assistant. His name was Pickle Boy. Sometimes we called him Sprinkles. But he betrayed me one day and I had to give him his walking shoes. I said, "Here, Pickle Boy. Here are your walking shoes." And he said, "But I wasn't planning on doing any walking!" And I said, "I know! It is a hint that I am forcing you to do your walking now! Right out that door! Forever and ever!" I said that while looking away from Pickle Boy's face because I did not want him to see how much it hurt me to give him his walking shoes. He said, "Did you want coffee? Or an early lunch? I am confused!" I said, "Handing you your walking shoes is a metaphor! I am trying to let you down easy!" He probably made a face that I would have recognized as sudden comprehension if I had been looking at his face because he said, "Oh! Do you mean you're giving me my walking papers?!" I replied, "That is the smart mouth that has cost you your job! Now go and never darken my instep again!" Then I stood there for ten minutes before noticing he had left because I was looking the other way and he never took the folded up newspaper shoes I had made for him and I didn't have a bell on the door so he slipped out quietly.

When I am dying and thinking up my last words, I will say, "I have no regrets!" But that will be a lie because I regret not kissing Pickle Boy on the mouth before he walked out of my life. I also regret having to do so much of the tedious assistant work that he always used to take care of! Who knew he did so much for so little?! I'm surprised he waited until I gave him his walking shoes before looking for a different job!

So if you ever wondered why I said something was true but it was not true at all, it's Pickle Boy's fault. Unless it's my fault for being lazy and not caring about accuracy. Maybe it's 70% Pickle Boy's fault and 30% my fault. I hope that math is correct since Pickle Boy was the one who owned the calculator.

I should start over! Larfleeze is a space dog and he is in a fight with a space family that is exactly like the Waltons if they were from space and they loved to fuck each others mouths. I wish Pickle Boy were here to tell me how to properly apostrophate that previous sentence! He was also my grammar editor. He was also the person that brought ice cream to the office and I really want ice cream right now! That's why he was sometimes called Sprinkles!

This issue begins in the middle of a space battle.

Or space sex. I've never experienced either of those so it's hard to tell.

I hope you didn't misunderstand that previous statement and think I haven't had sex! You should improve your reading comprehension in that case and realize I've never had space sex. I've had the other kind of normal sex all over the place! And it was fantastic! Except the first time which was really disappointing because the girl was not very good and it hurt like it always does the first time. Unless it didn't hurt because I crashed on my bicycle that one time? You know how it all works! Why am I explaining it to you, right? Wink, wink!

Winking at another person means that you're in on the game with them. That means that if you've done it before and I winked at you, I've done it too! So when I wink at you, you have to believe I've totally done it lots of times already. I probably shouldn't be going on and on about this because Pickle Boy used to say, "Thou protests too much." But I've never protested anything ever so I don't know what he was talking about. If I had protested something, it would have been Pickle Boy working for me! I would have greeted him at the door with a sign that said, "If you are reading this sign and you are Pickle Boy, you should feel really bad because it is meant to be a scathing indictment of your personality. Unless the word I wanted was 'inditement' and not 'indictment.' Could you fact check that for me, Pickle Boy?" That's why I've never protested because it's a lot of effort to put glitter on that much writing.

During the space battle, Larfleeze learns that the name of the incestual father figure is Xum of All Things. One of Larfleeze's favorite things is all things! The Wanderer realizes that Xum just made a foie gras and tries to get him to take it back before Larfleeze kills them all to obtain all the things. Xum is just confused because if somebody really wanted him to take back what he just said, it should have been his sister-wife Errata.

Predictably (if you're a good Reader. And all Writers are good Readers even if they don't Read a lot because they're busy Writing. That's because they recognize where a story is headed due to their experience of Writing), Larfleeze decides he wants All Things and attacks Xum. If you've been paying close attention, you'll have realized that Larfleeze is really greedy and likes material possessions. That's called motivation! It's very subtle but if you pay close attention, you can pick up on things like that. If you weren't paying close attention, you might be confused right now and wonder, "Why did the space dog attack the guy that likes to bang his own family?" Luckily, if you are one of those people that find reading hard, Larfleeze explains his actions as he takes them. He says, "I want all the things that you were just talking about, Xum!" Don't worry if you're still kind of confused! I'm sure Larfleeze will mention how much he wants things a few more times before the end.

I'm still not sure if this is a space battle or space sex! What is coming out of his mouth?

As an all powerful family of space gods, they aren't very all powerful! They cannot even destroy one space dog with all of their combined powers!

I don't think you're a monkey, space dog!

I think a Green Lantern is supposed to make an appearance soon! One was summoned by the Planet of Sad Robots last issue. They mentioned a female Green Lantern but I can't think of one that would fit the tone of this comic book and Pickle Boy is busy making sandwiches at that deli I can't eat at any more because he broke my heart. Otherwise I'd ask him to do research on a funny female Green Lantern. I would expect G'nort to show up and maybe he will! The Sad Robots said a female Green Lantern gave them the Green Lantern Signal. They didn't say she would appear when they used it. I sure hope it's G'nort and that someday I can eat a Meatball Sub that isn't salty from my tears.

As Larfleeze continues to pummel Xum and scream about wanting stuff, I realize that Larfleeze probably isn't a space dog at all! He's a really ugly space cat! How do I do that search and replace thing Pickle Boy used to do whenever I continually called Clark Kent "Clark Kunt" throughout one of my brilliant essays? If I'd learned how to do that, I could just change all of the times I called Larfleeze a "space dog" to a "space cat"! But then this paragraph wouldn't make much sense so maybe it's a good thing I didn't learn anything at all from Pickle Boy. If only he'd learned something from me though! Like how to love!

If you haven't been purchasing this comic book, just imagine nine months of these two panels over and over again, just with different opponents.

Larfleeze either defeats the entire House of Tuath-Dan or exhausts them through his doing-it prowess.

I still can't tell!

After the Space Sex Battle is over, The Wanderer discovers she must marry Larfleeze. It's either because he bested her in combat or he got her pregnant, depending on, you remember, if it was Space Sex or Space Battling. Either way, The Wanderer's Brother, the Battle Master Guy that looks like he's on fire whose name I can't remember because my assistant is dead to me, points out to The Wanderer that her oath to marry the first guy that bests her (or does it to her. Remember! I can't tell!) was a joke played on her by their twisted father. A father who probably did it to them all continuously because incest isn't frowned upon from the dimension this family came from. It might even be expected. Knowing my luck, if I'd been born in that universe, I would have been an orphaned only child!

Larfleeze puts his space drill in Xum's head which causes him to remember that he forgot his butler. So now he has to go back and engage in another Space Sex Battle! At least this time, The Wanderer is willing. She's also willing to give Larfleeze his butler back as a wedding present. And once Larfleeze has his butler, he'll probably cancel the wedding! And then The Wanderer will want her present back! So one way or another, Space Sex Battling is going to happen. Again.

Why won't this comic book clear up my confusion?!

The surviving members of the House of Tuath Dan gather together to formulate a plan to kill Larfleeze the Space Cat. But the reader isn't privy to their machine nations, so don't ask me to know what they're planning on doing! I don't even know if I just read a bunch of sex scenes or battle scenes! At least I'm finally going to find out on the last page which Green Lantern is coming to help the Sad Robots.

Yay! Now that's a space dog!

Larfleeze #9 Rating: No change. This comic book has just gotten better with the appearance of G'nort because he only appeared for one page! I bet he gets really annoying and repetitive next issue really quickly! Really! This series is a bit bland but it has at least one or two moments every issue that I really enjoy. That seems to be enough to keep it from plummeting down the ranks! Like this issue, I liked the take on the Red Sonja Oath of Marriage Trope and I liked the shot of Larfleeze getting knocked across the room while pondering why everyone keeps calling him a monkey. Has he never seen a monkey? Because he's all furry and gangly just like a monkey! I bet his butt is really uncomfortable to look at as well!