Aquaman #2

"To the bone!" might not be the best cover copy on a story entitled "Single Wet Female."

In the letter column of last issue, it was mentioned that this issue was going to have a shocking ending. Hopefully it's something other than "Aquaman loses his hand" because I don't think I can find something I know is coming "shocking." Thanks, cover spoiler!

Anybody else remember Caitlin Ryan? If yes, get her out of your head, you stupid prick! She's my eternal crush!

The big shock ending also isn't that Charybdis's girlfriend is named Scylla because that isn't revealed at the end of the comic book nor is it shocking. That's discovered on page two (page one if you're a twelve year old nerd who has read every book on mythology in their elementary school library so when you saw Charybdis's unnamed girlfriend (or sister? (dammit! Now I'm horny!)) on page one, you think, "Oh yeah. That's totally Scylla." Then you start humming The Police's "Ring Around Your Finger").

The death of Garth isn't the shocking ending either because he's saved from the circling sharks by the hottest silhouette I've ever seen.

The silhouette of the nurse on Seinfeld when George's mother is in the hospital is a close second.

Charybdis has captured Aquaman and Dolphin so he can siphon their psychic powers and grow powerful enough to enact his evil master plan.

He's going to fuck the world!

The shocking ending isn't when Charybdis blows Scylla's brains out because he upset that she left him when she died previous to getting her brains blown out. That's shocking but it happens on page 5 and unless I'm willing to stop reading, that's not the shock ending I was promised and which had better not be Aquaman losing his hand. Also, if you didn't follow the initial sentence, it's because I left out the detail that this current Scylla was an actress being paid to play the part of Charybdis's dead girlfriend (and maybe still sister?).

Meanwhile, the sexy silhouette who Garth idiotically thinks might be Tula because Garth apparently forgot how small Tula's breasts are sends Garth off to Charybdis's headquarters. But then she leaves the story because this is a Comics Code Authority comic book and you can only have so many panels of naked women before a bunch of old prudes start frowning your way. Weirdly enough, you can have as many brains blown out as you can draw and everything will be fine.

If the Comics Code Authority knew I want to have sex with that hole, they'd realize their terrible error in judgment.

Charybdis introduces Aquaman to his new pets, a few piranha. Aquaman, not having seen the cover, doesn't realize what's in store for him. Hopefully what's in store for him isn't on the last page because I'm still relying on a really satisfying shocking ending that hasn't been ruined by the cover.

Garth arrives to steal Charybdis's biggest gun and blow Charybdis's undersea headquarters to smithereens. Everybody escapes the destruction and Aquaman chases Charybdis onto land, through the jungle, and at the edge of a river where Aquaman says the absolutely wrong thing.

Dammit! This would be so much more dramatic if the cover hadn't ruined it! Now it's just lousy dramatic irony!

Anyway, the big shock ending is Aquaman's hand being eaten down to the bone by piranhas. It also might be that the piranhas ate Charybdis as well. But since nobody ever cared about that guy, that can't be the shocking ending. Maybe the shocking part is that Dolphin actually says something.

Aquaman #2 Rating: B. Zero Hour happens after this issue so it's basically a coin flip whether or not these first two issues even matter anymore! I suppose I just decided to believe that Aquaman ceased to exist after Zero Hour and I stopped buying the comic.

Aquaman #1

In 1994, Aquaman was reduced to playing at State Fairs with only 1/3 of his original band.

It's as if the cover artist was only told that Aquaman would have long hair in this series three minutes before the cover was due. Or maybe Aquaman's insane hair is simply there to distract from whatever the fuck is going on with his legs. I know he loses a hand in this series but I didn't know he started off missing his left leg below the terribly misshapen thigh.

Don't look so shocked that I own an Aquaman comic book! Think of it more as owning a Peter David comic book. And even Peter David couldn't keep me reading Aquaman because I only have two issues of this series. Cue King Beauregard linking to Ookla the Mok's song, "Arthur Curry," in the Disqus comment section.

It's seems crazy to me that Aquaman has the worst costume of any major DC hero and yet he doesn't wear his underwear on the outside. Think about how unappealing the 1986 camouflage Aquaman suit must have been if editorial decided to go back to this orange and green eyesore?

If I had been editing this comic book in 1994, I would have put this copy on the cover: "This isn't your father's Aquaman! This Aquaman is your father!" How did "long hair on an old guy with a full beard" translate into "Aquaman is super cool now, kids!"?

I probably should just put this comic book back in its protective casing rather than read it since it's one of the few comic books I own that might be worth something. It's definitely in mint condition (or near mint since, you know, I breathed on it), probably because I never actually read it. I don't know for sure that I read it but it is an Aquaman comic book so Vegas is giving pretty shitty odds on my having read it. Unless I mean good odds? Which odds are good and which odds are bad? I would say shitty odds are things like winning one dollar for every five dollars bet. But that just means the odds of winning are good so that probably means they're good odds, right? So maybe read the opposite of what I wrote in that Vegas odds sentence.

"They" have never had a wet dream, apparently.

That previous caption might sound like I've eaten my own semen while having a wet dream but I totally didn't.

That previous sentence might sound like I'm protesting too much but I don't know what that means and, anyway, you tasted your semen during your wet dream!

Aquaman hopes he's dreaming but he can feel and taste and smell and remember and read, so he's pretty sure he's about to die. The way I know I'm dreaming is that when a dream becomes increasingly uncomfortable or horrific, I often think, "You know what? I bet this is just a dream!" And then I wake up. Which is totally a mistake! I need to train my brain to stop waking up once I realize I'm dreaming and start taking control of the dream. Although I'm not sure how enjoyable a dream would be if I were consciously in control of it. Then it's not a realy dream anymore and it just becomes an IMAX daydream. The great thing about dreams is that they're surprising. It's the only way a person can truly surprise themselves. Hallucinogenics help a bit but you're still in some kind of control. I once thought I invented comic books and that Jupiter was following me around a strip club parking lot while on mushrooms but I've never fucked a vampire as the sun rose and turned her to dust while I orgasmed like I've done in my dreams!

Hey, some of my dreams might be problematic or completely gross but I didn't approve them! Like the one where I murdered the old lady so I could live in her house but I didn't want things to seem too suspicious by covering it up so I just propped her corpse up in the corner of the living room. Or the time a friend made me a personalized flavor of Moon Pie called "Murdered Baby's Soul." Dreams are like presidential campaign ads that don't have the candidate saying, "I approve this ad!", at the end of it.

Aquaman was dreaming. Also, he sleeps in a regular bed with sheets and blankets in a cave under the ocean. I would have had him sleeping in a giant clam shell with a manta ray comforter.

Garth visits Aquaman in his cave which isn't full of water so I guess the bed is forgivable. But it doesn't explain why Aquaman was floating over the bed tangled in his sheets. Maybe that will be explained in the post-Zero Hour continuity.

Aquaman hasn't been seen in weeks and hasn't been answering his JL pager (Ha ha! Old technology! So funny!) so Aqualad has gone looking for him. He finds Aquaman sitting in his own filth and coral. He probably heard one too many jokes about speaking with fish and he's had it with topsiders.

Aquacave?! Guess who has Bat-Penis envy!

Garth was worried about Arthur and has come to help him which is why he begins screaming at him and pushing him around. I know being berated and treated like shit is the only way I've ever gotten any kind of breakthroughs in therapy.

Garth and Arthur get in a fight and the art confirms that the cave is definitely filled with water. So that bed really doesn't make any fucking sense at all. At least it confirms that Aquaman isn't possessed by the devil.

After Garth gets his ass kicked, Aquaman begins to feel better and is ready to go on an adventure with Aqualad. Oh, so that was Aqualad's plan! Smart kid whose willing to take a severe beating from a friend just to put a smile on their face. I never would have thought of that. I would have thought, "My friend is really feeling down! I should be empathetic and compassionate while listening to them vent their problems!" But now Peter David has taught me another way. Punch my depressed friends in the face so that they can have a good time fighting back! This is a game changer!

Aqualad is on a military mission for the United States Government. A nuclear submarine has been sunk and it's lying too low on the ocean's bottom for the military to deal with it. For some reason, they think Aquaman, being the water guy, can handle a submarine leaking radioactive material. I'm just going to assume Superman was still dead at this point and Batman's back was still broken. I don't know why Wonder Woman wouldn't have been tasked for this mission unless it's just because the U.S. military is full of sexist jerks.

Aquaman and Aqualad begin to investigate the ship when they're attacked by Lupo the Butcher.

Does Garth die?! That would make this Aquaman series cool!

Murder Chef was the one who requested Aquaman be sent on this mission. If the military didn't acquiesce, he was going to blow the nuclear submarine apart. I knew it was fucking suspicious that the military asked Aquaman for help! Even Aquaman should have known better!

Aquaman is captured by Murder Chef who introduces himself as Charybdis. He wants Aquaman for his life force or something. Previous to capturing Aquaman, he's been draining Dolphin of her life force. I don't know anything about Dolphin except that she had nice nipples in her Who's Who entry. Let me dig it out and show you.

That diver just came in his scuba suit.

Don't be surprised or creeped out that this fact was lurking in my memory. I grew up in the pre-Internet era! You had to find sexually stimulating material wherever you could! And you were fucking grateful for it! This was as great a find as the succubus or the Type V demon in the D&D Monster Manual. Hell, I even jerked off to the Caryatid Columns in Fiend Folio!

Aquaman #1 Rating: B. I might have given this issue an A+ but Dolphin lacked the visible nipples I'm used to her character exhibiting. But this issue still gets a worthy B because Garth was left bleeding in the ocean while the sharks circled. He's totally going to die, right? Although I never purchased Issue #3 so I'm guessing I was disappointed that Garth didn't die. Still, you'd think Aquaman losing his hand (spoiler for next issue!) would have kept me intrigued. I bet in 1994, I read this series and was all, "Fucking Aquaman! Like anybody actually cares about the environment! Fucking virtue signaler! [Sorry I Coined the Term "Manic Pixie Dream Virtue Signaler" in 1994 by Me] His excess of caring makes me love oil and corporations now! It's his fault I'm such a selfish asshole!" Man, I was pretty cool in 1994. Now I'm almost 100% pure virtue signaler! Oh, Aquaman! I judged thee by my youth alone and could not see past your idiotic power to speak with fish to lay my sight upon the wisdom of your passionate defense of our only world!