Captain Atom #5

Captain Atom versus the Luck Dragon!

Between the end of last issue and the beginning of this issue, Captain Atom went to go hang out by a pond where a turtle lives. He's having a great big pity party after leaving Ranita to fend for herself with her burned up hand. I guess there are other scientists there to help her. But nobody there has the ability to fix her hand! Now, if only there were somebody who could do that. Hmm.

So he hangs out with the turtle and then spends a couple of pages imagining what would happen if he went back to the Continuum. Oh, but he doesn't imagine what would happen if he went back like a normal person. He imagines himself going back as a monster and fighting all the guards and then picking up Ranita and disintegrating her with his touch. That's helpful.

Captain Atom breaks through his delusional state and somehow realizes "it doesn't have to end up like that. I'm not some monster that's going to go smashing through things."

Oh, sir, but I think you are! You're either crazy or you're suffering from badly written comic syndrome.

So he heads back and Alexander Scott Alexander decides to stand in the way of his wanna-be girlfriend getting her hand back.


No, YOU'VE done enough already!

Figuring the Luck Dragon must be coming up soon, I keep reading! I can just hear the kid reading the book right now yelling, "CAAAAAIIILLLLLOOOOOUUUU!"


How come when I Google Image search for 'Caillou riding a Luck Dragon', I don't find a picture of Caillou riding a Luck Dragon? Heck, I didn't even find a picture of Caillou fucking a Luck Dragon. Rule 34, you are a failure.

So Captain Atom argues with Scott Scott Alexander Scott. He's just got to help Ranita! But irradiated Stephen Hawking says:



And Captain Atom is off to Washington without having helped Ranita. But he does encounter the Luck Dragon!



Oh, fuck you, creative team. You're not even trying! Did J.T. Krul and Freddie Williams II even talk to cover artist Stanley "Artgerm" Lau? Seriously? Did they just pass a sticky note down to the 3rd level basement where they keep Simon Bisley and the other cover artists that read, "Draw Captain Atom fighing a monster." Or maybe on the note's journey to Lau, some mirthful sprite changed 'DINER MONSTER' to 'LUCK DRAGON'. That's a pretty good joke!

Anyway, fuck it. Captain Atom realizes the monster is just like him and is about to be eaten by it when the comic ends.

Seriously. Six other comic books sold worse than this colostomy bag. Look at that monster! It has DINER on its head! Ha ha! Why would it have DINER on its head when the rest of it looks nothing like anything it's consumed?!

Maybe the Luck Dragon on the cover will bring good luck and Captain Atom will be devoured next issue!