Firestorm #1

I always wondered why Firestorm was so furious! Now I'll get to find out! As you can see by the title, Firestorm is composed of several Nuclear Men. Do they merge like that kid and the professor? Are the two different heroes featured on the cover different aspects of Firestorm? Can either one be the body this time? Or do they go separate and go solo? Will they all just be called Firestorm? Or are they all just Fires until they get together and then, LOOK OUT! FIRESTORM!

Man, a Firestorm sounds dangerous! Don't go outside!
"You'll get burned to a crisp!"
"Take your asbestos umbrella!"
"Wear your fire rubbers?!"

I should probably read the comic book now.

It begins with some black ops or terrorist (same thing) squad of jerks causing trouble with some boy and his family. This boy apparently knows where some thing is. This thing is worth killing for and the boy points out that if he had it, he could kill all these big jerks.

So it's probably another one of those weapons like Captain Atom that governments want in their hands because they're afraid what will happen if it's in somebody else's hands. Even if that someone else was the Dalai Lama.

After some off-panel murder, the action moves to some everytown high school football field where we get to meet the two halves of the new Firestorm! I don't know much about the old Firestorm but I think he consisted of an adult professor and a young football player. I guess the old/young, teacher/student thing isn't going to be enough of a dichotomy to play around with in the 21st century! To make the most friction possible, Firestorm is going to be half-black and half-white and half-smart and half-not-really-dumb-but-average-anyway and half-journalist and half-quarterback! That's a lot of halves but it all adds up to one whole, believe you me! One whole lot of conflict!

I wish Firestorm would have been a Puerto Rican female prostitute and an autistic Mexican wrestler! You know, if it's the Fury of the Nuclear Men (using Men as the generic, non-sex person term), the writers of this comic can have a blast with sticking two people together from vastly different social and economic backgrounds!

Maybe we can see Firestorm with a half-dog, half-cat pet!


Someone isn't feeling cool enough!

I'm focusing on the white half of Firestorm because I'm racist. No, no! It's because the white guy half was on the outside of the page which is the only part of the page I can scan in that frikkin' gigantic 52 First Issue compilation book.

Why would this kid ask his mom why they have no black friends? Excuse me, Ronnie Raymond, why don't YOU have any black friends? Don't rely on mommy! Isn't Trev from the football team your friend? Why don't you hang out with him? Did Jason strike a nerve?

Of course, Jason was just as big a jerk in their first confrontation of the comic. He's a major jock hater! I actually think he has a great big faggy gay crush on Ronnie! I use the term 'faggy' as an endearing term here! Like in cute and manly and erotick and illegal in most states, all at the same time! I'm a firm believer in words meaning what we want them to mean and you shouldn't ever let someone else gain power over you by using a stupid word. You got me, you fucking cunt?

So if they made Ronnie a total homophobe, what would that be like when the two merged? Would Ronnie be totally freaked out by it? Why am I wondering about this if one was gay and the other was straight?! This is probably exactly what is going to happen when big racist Ronnie has to merge with jock-hating Jason the Journalist!

Oh wait wait wait! I can't believe I just passed up his mom's reaction in that last panel!


What the hell is for dinner? Dog dick?

Somebody just found out mom's little secret! But what secret is that? Is she racist? Or is there something we don't know about Ronnie's father?! Or soon to be step-father, at least.

Speaking of the dog dick they're having for dinner: from the food on the tables in the different families panels, it looks like maybe Jason is a veggie and Ronnie is a carnie!

You know, that would make a good Firestorm as well! A braindead guy in a coma and a sleazy carnival midway hawker!

I'm never going to finish this comic! Stop distracting me, brain!


Always be courteous and address your torturer by profession!

This guy spills the beans on Martin Stein which, if I remember correctly, was the name of the professor part of Firestorm. Everyone is acting like Martin is dead but I'm willing to bet he's the third, all-fucked up and burned Firestorm from the cover. There are apparently four containers of this Captain Atom stuff out there. And the way the big Firestorm's circles are filled in on his chest, does that mean we're going to get at least four other Firestorms?!

Well, the next page proves me right! And wrong at the same time!



So, a corporation (coproation?) is designing Firestorms to sell to nations as weapons. And one container that can create a Firestorm is loose and the corporation is trying to get their hands on it. I suppose if a Firestorm with free will is out there, it could harm the company's reputation or bottom line or something.

Is this the first of the 52 to have a corporation as the Villain of the Month? Let's recount:

Justice League: Darkseid, the military, the police.
Justice League International: Protestors, Peraxxus (I just had to dig through my comics to remember that stupid name)
Aquaman: The Public, Cannibal Fish
Wonder Woman: Hera, Centaurs
The Flash: Mob Rule (puke!)
Captain Atom: A Volcano, Alexander Scott (or Scott Alexander), the military, some vagrant hobo monster

Nope! No corporations yet! Way to go, Firestorm! Although your corporation is no Vagrant Mutant Hobo Monster! It's just a bunch of killer black ops thugs! With a preacher, apparently, in their midst.

I'm now finished with the comic. Wrong about Martin Stein. The middle monstery Firestorm is actually what happens when they merge. It becomes a Hulk-like beast called Fury that seems to have some sort of mind of its own. Or else it's just the way their two minds combine.

So the nerd, Jason, already had the Firestorm canister in his locker. He'd already been approached by Dr. Stein to use it in an emergency. Apparently only people with the right DNA profile can use the Firestorm Protocol.

When Jason transforms, Ronnie also transforms. So they bicker and fight amongst themselves while the corporate thugs try to beat a hasty retreat (while one of them is down and possibly transmuted into a Super Villain!). And then they merge and are all, "FURY SMASH!" The end!

I think I had the most fun reading this comic so far but I don't know if that was entirely due to the comic or just due to myself! Anyway, I laughed a few times and not because it was bad writing or bad art! So that's probably pretty good! At this point, it can easily sit in the rankings just above Justice League and just under Justice League Internationl! Mmm, Firestorm filling!