Twat Lobo #12

"Heeeellllloooooooo Cedar Rapids! Are you ready to twat?!"

Twat Lobo is taking some time off from running errands for Sinestro so that he can pay more attention to his first job as the Whip of the Void Whisper. You might be thinking, "Tess, what is that? I don't even know what the House Whip does in Congress? How am I supposed to know what it means when it comes to a Metrosexual Space Assassin?" What am I? A dictionary?! If you know what a whip is--and I'm assuming you do because you're probably a nerd and all nerds know about Catwoman and Indiana Jones--then you're halfway to knowing what a person called a whip does! They're used to incentivize an employees or coworkers! I suppose the title could have been less likely to bring up slavery if they had been called "Extorts" or "Blackmails." No wait. That last one makes me think of slavery too.

Twat Lobo is hunting drug dealers who decided to ditch their drug dealing employer and strike out on their own. So Twat Lobo is becoming a mafia story just like Catwoman! At one point, Twat Lobo mentions the Darkstars which totally does nothing for me. I think the Darkstars were mostly composed of ex-cops from Chicago.

Better be careful, Twat Lobo! You're getting a little raggedy. Don't want to accidentally slip into Real Deal Lobo territory. Unless...unless you do! Is my theory correct that Twat Lobo is just the younger version of Real Deal Lobo?!

Twat Lobo mentions how his last job was hunting red, indigo, and blue lanterns for Sinestro. He doesn't mentioned how he failed to accomplishment two-thirds of that mission! I guess The Code allows for missions to be considered complete when they are one-third done.

Twat Lobo manages to inhale half of the drugs being manufactured as he murders everybody. How dangerous can that be, right?!

Congratulations! That's about 95% of the reason it's called a drug!

I know some wiseacre is out there saying that drugs are also taken to make people feel normal. Well I'm here to say wanting to feel normal is as weird as weird gets!

Twat Lobo doesn't have any of his glowing tattoos and he's wearing his old skull belt buckle! What's going on here? Am I on drugs? Did Robson Rocha forget that he's the artist on Twat Lobo and not just Lobo?

Sort-of-Twat Lobo heads onto his ship to tell himself he applied The Code correctly but walks directly into the sexiest hallucination I've ever seen!

So many frogs! *droooool*

Sort-of-Twat Lobo begins making out with his hallucination and I'm willing to admit the art is quite good. Especially the part of the art that is the hallucination's boob pressed up against Sort-of-Twat Lobo's chest! But after kissing and before the parts I'm really interested take place, Princess Lobo tears her face off. That's when she becomes the Countess and instead of being covered in horny toads, she's crawling with Hypno-Spiders! Get out of there, Sort-of-Twat Lobo! That woman is no good for you and a rapist to boot! Although if you want to stick around to be raped again, I'm not arguing.

Sort-of-Twat Lobo realizes he's just tripping whatever Czarnians trip instead of balls (it might be balls too but I don't want to assume, having never seen what's in Twat Lobo's pants! It very well could be a vagina!) when the Countess disappears. He's got to get some coffee in him and sober up! Does coffee help sober up people tripping on hallucinogens? I really should know but I wasn't into drinking coffee back when my body was loaded up with LSD and shrooms.

Need time! But there's no time to need time!

Sort-of-Twat Lobo really should have made time to need time even if he didn't have any time because he continues to hallucinate the Countess even when he thinks he's picking up a new mission. I hope the entire run of this comic book will wind up being one big hallucination. I chose "one big hallucination" because I couldn't decide if I should use the article "a" or "an" for hallucination.

After almost choking his boss Kadra because he thought she was the Countess, Sort-of-Twat Lobo runs from her office to clear his head. Maybe this time he'll actually attempt to do just that instead of crying about how much time is left in the universe. Seriously, why does Sort-of-Twat Lobo need to worry about time? Isn't he effectively immortal?

Now Sort-of-Twat Lobo has less time than before because Kadra sends out all of her hunters to punish him for choking her. As if she didn't enjoy it.

Sort-of-Twat Lobo freaks out from the drugs and begins killing all of Kadra's hunters. Then he decides to quit which The Code allows in special circumstances like when your boss doesn't enjoy being choked or when you've taken too many drugs and have to turn into Real Deal Lobo. But first he has to hunt down and kill Hal Jordan. I don't think that will go very well because Hal Jordan is currently a bad-ass motherfucker.

Sort-of-Twat Lobo #12 Rating: +2 Ranking. I'm throwing this issue a bone because I discovered how much I like the word "bone" after reading Green Arrow and his Bone Hunters. I'm going to create a super hero text adventure game called "Black Hunter" about an African-American super hero who hunts down white collar criminals and also racists and shit. Most scenes will involve Black Hunter arriving on scene and saying, "Never fear! Black Hunter is here!" And everybody will say "What did you say your name was?" and "Did he just say 'cunt'?" and "Is this guy in the KKK?" He'll form a superhero group to track down all the criminals they can and he'll call his team "Pack Hunt!" Oh! I should probably keep my great and not terrible ideas to myself before a white collar criminal steals them and makes thousands of dollars off of them. Instead I should say how much I actually enjoyed this issue of Twat Lobo! I think Cullen Bunn is going to steal my idea and reveal that Twat Lobo is actually Real Deal Lobo after overdosing on mystery drugs! I'm all for this series ending on that note and I will apologize to Cullen Bunn for being a jerk for so long and I will also buy him a beer. Unless he's an alcoholic and then I will buy him ten beers.