Saturday, November 14, 2015

Green Lantern #46

They're going to mosh it out?

Hal Jordan has finally had enough of Black Hand. I guess it wasn't that bad when Black Hand was dragging corpses out of graves and flying them around the universe to terrorize all of the non-corpses. But now he's going around turning everybody he meets into stone and that's not cute in the way a zombie space parade is cute. So it's time to let Black Hand retire. He had a good run. He went from a cliche spouting spoiled rich kid rebelling against his family's name to a joke C-list villain who gets busted by superheroes just trying to go on a date to the scariest and most vile enemy the Green Lanterns have ever met! Unless he was just the sidekick to the most vile enemy. Who can tell?! War of the Lanterns dragged on so long nobody's attention span was long enough.

While Hal is busy dragging Black Hand's ass to the Source Wall so that it can babysit him for eternity, Darlene, Trapper Keeper, and The Little Prince are about ready to leave their peaceful vacation planet.

That's why Trapper wanted to go to a brothel.

Relic continues to be allowed to putter about the Source Wall pretending to do science. He's called Relic because he's from a time when scientists didn't have to run experiments to prove their hypotheses but instead just observed something that seemed to happen and declare it the truth. So if a scientist happened to see a snake leave a bird's nest then it must mean the bird is laying snake eggs. Back in his universe, Relic noticed that the inhabitants of the universe were filled with emotions and certain colors of light were tied to those emotions and so the universe must be fueled by emotions and light which meant know what? I have no fucking idea why he came up with this stupid Peak Emotions theory except that he believed it and then stupid fucking John Stewart confirmed it by pretending to be from a future where all the light had run out.

Even though the Source Wall is infinity feet long, Hal Jordan has to return to the spot where Relic is doing his experiments on wasting time. That's because the Source Wall is cracked at that location and the crack is exactly Black Hand shaped. All Hal has to do is convince Relic to agree to his plan of stopping up the crack with Black Hand and the issue should be over in five pages. The main problem is that the reasonable man of science Relic isn't actually reasonable and, I suspect, not really much of a man of science. He really just likes to bully people and steal their emotions.

Sure, now he has a bullshit scanner that allows him to be reasonable. Why didn't he pull that shit out around Issue #24?

Relic makes some quick fake calculations on his fake light calculator so his hunch seems more believable to Hal and then declares that the Source Wall is trying to get back to itself but Black Hand just keeps dragging it further and further away from the Wall. Although if the wall is infinite and surrounds infinity, isn't he always infinitely far from it? My math might be wrong on that.

Black Hand regains consciousness and escapes from Hal's light coffin. Editorial must have told Venditti that he can't have a comic book that resolves in five pages so he was going to need to pad it with some more fighting.

Look at Relic trying to science correctly! Now run experiments to see if what you're observing is actually what you'r observing! It's possible you're just looking at the pieces of Source Wall created by Black Hand whose momentum carried them in the direction of the Source Wall. Are other pieces going in other directions? Look for them, Relic! Don't just record evidence that supports your conclusion!

Darlene arrives in time to smash Black Hand into the Source Wall with a grappling hook so that Hal doesn't have to feel responsible for basically killing Black Hand. Not that Black Hand is dead simply because he's stuck to the Source Wall. Apparently creatures live on in some kind of weird stone coma. But not Black Hand! Since he's immune to being Source Walled, he simply shakes his head and begins to stagger away from the wall. But it's too late! His stone hand has decided it wants to remain as part of the Source Wall. Just like Relic surmised with his scientific know-hows and whats-it-all-means! Black Hand is absorbed into the Source Wall and Hal Jordan decides not to feel too bad about it. Sometimes bad things happen to crazy people.

While Relic wonders what he's going to do with all of his time now that his Source Wall glory hole has been sealed, Hal takes off inside Darlene. That's because Hal actually knows how to science properly and he's observed again and again how Relic likes to battle lanterns. I know. I'm surprised at my saying Hal knows how to science as well since Hal mostly just knows how to tell people to shove it and punch people in the chin. But he's learning how to work with others and utilize logic more often. He's growing!

Be with us next time for "So close yet Sonar away," or "Jordan hears a hood."

Green Lantern #46 Rating: No change. Hal Jordan continues to be a more effective, more reasonable, more likeable hero without the Guardians or the rest of the Corps breathing down his neck. He also has a better cast of characters in Darlene, The Little Prince, and Trapper Keeper. Mostly because they're all technically subservient to him and don't threaten his masculinity. I'm also glad Carol Ferris has moved on because it was getting embarrassing watching Hal pretend to care about her while constantly treating her like shit. Hal is much better off alone or running around with a bunch of non-threatening characters that aren't really interesting on their own. That's why teaming up with Green Arrow worked so well! Zing!

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