Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #6

This cover is all wrong. Roy Harper's brains should be splattered all over the place.

I fucking can't stand Facebook. I'm only on Facebook to stay in touch with all of the jerks with whom I play Call of Duty! Otherwise it's just a sea of inane statements proving to me just how fucking stupid every single person in my family truly is. They take fucking quizzes that proclaim only the smallest percentage of people will be smart enough to pass the quiz and then crow about how fucking smart they are because they passed. Really, Cousin NAME REDACTED? If you were so fucking smart, you'd realize those quizzes are merely created to jerk you off. Links to stupid fucking articles full of vitriolic nonsense that back up their idiotic opinions! Status updates where they think they're holding an intelligent opinion but they're just expressing their own selfish prejudices! The stupid site makes me so angry! Why are these dumb people so happy with posting bullshit on a near constant basis?!

Currently the popular thing is that vonvon app that makes a picture of the words you most use on Facebook. Considering that I fucking can't stand Facebook and generally only participate by saying the most snide crap on other people's status updates (because I embrace that I'm a bitter fucking prick who wishes he could be happy with the constant stream of inane bullshit that life throws in your path), I decided to try it. So here are the results of my most commonly used words on Facebook.

Apparently it doesn't work if all of your settings are private. I imagine if, like all of my friends and family apparently, I wanted everybody in the world to see every stupid thing about me, this picture would have been one gigantic FUCK with a few smaller satellites of SHIT, CUNT, ASSHOLE, and OREOS.

This issue begins on some good notes and some bad notes (which will eventually deteriorate into all bad notes)! The good note is that Arsenal was really shot in the head. At least that's what the first page picture seems to indicate. Blood everywhere. The Joker's Daughter's gun is smoking in the way that modern guns don't actually do. Sure, his head is off the page so I don't instantly know that he only has a superficial wound because he's a Rockabilly Genius who knew to turn his head in just the right way to not be shot in the brain. But for now, let's just be happy that Roy Harper is too dead to Narration Box.

The bad notes are all of those speech bubbles full of unfunny bullshit. Who is the moron that told Scott Lobdell he was hilarious?! Tell me! Who was it?! Because I need that person in my life to bolster my fragile ego too!

Who is she talking to?! Oh yeah, she's crazy. She probably says hilarious stuff like this constantly. The funniest part is how she refers to herself as a Millennial. Good job getting that bit in, Scott Lobdell! The Millennials will flock to this character if you tell them over and over again that she is one of them even if she's written by an old fart who can't get the voice of young people correct no matter how often he fails at trying.

Apparently The Joker's Daughter was talking to somebody (even if accidentally since it seems like they just happened to walk up on her (stop wondering what everybody is doing on the top of a building)) and it was the members of The Hero Manifesto! "Who are they?" you say because you're an idiot who doesn't know comic books at all. Also they were just recently created last issue so don't feel bad when I try to make you feel bad. You didn't do anything wrong (it was your parents who fucked up). Don't worry about no knowing who any of these characters are because The Joker's Daughter knows and she's going to name them all for us! And don't worry if you're also wondering, "Who is this Red Hood Arsenal that has his name on the cover? Der?!" That'll be explained soon too, I'm sure! This comic book always wastes the first five or six pages on recaps and introductions because it means less work for Scott Lobdell who really hates to write because he's so terrible at it.

How did anybody in the Nethers even learn of this group? They were created like sixty seconds ago!

The Hero Manifesto agree to hire The Joker's Daughter if she can kill Red Hood as well. Then she cartwheels off the roof and says "fun" about fifty times because she's so wacky and adorable. What a Millennial!

The Joker's Daughter easily tracks Jason Todd down to a plane leaving Gotham. That's because the people in the Nethers know everything. It's easier to write a story when characters can just know stuff. Who wants to read all the boring panels where people are doing research and investigating? I'll give that up for all of these nonsense shortcuts any day! Who wants to hear Scott Lobdell try to actually explain the scientific reasons why one of Roy Harper's experimental arrows actually works?! Just mention how he's a Rockabilly Genius about five thousand times and then when Roy goes to explain his latest Day Sex Mockingjay, have Jason Todd cut him off with a few shut the fuck ups!

So The Joker's Daughter appears on the wing of the plane Jason Todd is in which immediately gets into the air and then flips around and tries to land just as quickly. I don't think the timing and position of the plane matter. Is it on the ground when The Joker's Daughter shows up? Is it in the air? Has it turned around to land? Did it never take off at all? Bah! Useless details! Petty distractions! The real point is that Jason Todd kicks open the emergency door of the plane so he can fight The Joker's Daughter on the wing. Exciting!

Well, I was wondering how you got here! I guess the ticket explains it as well as her Nether Information Highway. Although she never actually spent any time going through Roy's pockets. Maybe she had time after shooting him and before standing back with smoke pouring out of the muzzle of her gun to make her speech about bad jokes.

I don't know how public Arsenal is with his secret identity but it doesn't matter now, right? Unless the airlines allow him to fly under the name "Arsenal", The Joker's Daughter now knows who he is. Oh wait. I'm sure they all fly under aliases anyway. Stupid Dick Grayson giving all of the Bat-kids and their friends fake IDs!

Back to Roy Harper, it turns out he was just shot with a paint ball full of gore. That fooled everybody long enough for Roy to regain consciousness just in time to murder Suzie Su again with an arrow to the back of her neck. In the previous scene, Jason Todd declared that Roy Harper couldn't be dead by this kid. But the truth is, he could be dead by her. If The Joker's Daughter had been using real bullets, Roy Harper would be dead now. Some fucking hero, right?!

Of course, if she had been using real bullets, Roy Harper would have dodged the bullet and kicked her ass. How do heroes get so lucky all the time?! When the villain gets the drop on them, they're never killed! But when the villain really is trying to kill them, the villain never gets the drop on them! I'm starting to think comic books are written for brain-dead assholes!

Did I just hurt my own feelings? Dammit!

Oh my god! Just put your dick in her mouth already!

So what? Now Jason Todd is going to be seeing himself in everybody he battles? Oh no! Underbelly was created by The Joker! He deserves a second chance! Oh no! The Joker's Daughter is lost and crying out for help! She deserves to suck my peener! Maybe this entire series is going to wind up being some kind of therapy session via Hugo Strange and a bunch of drugs injected directly into Jason Todd's brain! That's why it has so many mimes in it!

The plane lands (How did it get in the air and land at the same airport in the space of one or two minutes?!) and Jason Todd loses his grip. But The Joker's Daughter manages to survive by being crazy and/or knowing some gymnastics. The scene provides a good example of Scott Lobdell's poorly thought out and unedited writing. The Joker's Daughter says, "I almost believe you. Or not." Ha ha! Funny, right? The "or not" is almost as hilarious as adding "again" to a statement! Jason Todd averts his eyes because he thinks she's going to die. He thinks, "She must be a pink and purple stain on the tarmac." Then he sees her getting away and thinks, "Or not." Ha ha! Even funnier the second time on the same page and from a different character than the first time! I guess giving each character a different voice isn't something Scott Lobdell bothers with. I totally understand that! I'm the opposite! I can't even stay in one voice in the same commentary when all of these dumb words are supposed to be from the same person's head!

Not only do the characters share the same voice, apparently they also share all of the same information!

How the fuck does Roy know about the Hero Manifesto?! Does he have contact with The Nethers too? Or does he simply remember everything anybody says in his proximity when he's unconscious or sleeping?!

Palette attacks Roy and he kills him too. But at least he feels bad because he's started drinking again in Titans Hunt. Or something. I don't know. Why would anybody allow Scott Lobdell to tie his story into their story?! Keep this guy's taint far away from you work, other DC writers!

The Joker's Daughter returns to The Hero Manifesto so that they'll explain why they want Red Hood and Arsenal killed. They tell her because it's always nice when somebody is interested in your work. Apparently it has nothing to do with them having killed just about every member of The Hero Manifesto. It's really just about crushing "vigilantes for hire" competitors. The Joker's Daughter finds it funny because she finds everything funny. Which totally makes her the opposite of a Millennial since they find very little funny.

Jason Todd follows The Joker's Daughter and arrives in time to blow off the heads of the mimes (who weren't real anyway). Roy Harper shows up to shoot Sara Phina, the final member of The Hero Manifesto, in the face with an arrow. That's when the big twist takes place! The Joker's Daughter wanted to join The Outlaws! She didn't want to kill them at all!

During the epilogue, all of the members of The Hero Manifesto (including the mimes who lost their heads and disappeared from reality) are all alive and accounted for and ready to be shipped off across the sea. I guess Jason Todd and Roy Harper have reformed (even if they actually killed all of these now not dead people earlier in the story. Hooray for nonsense!). Plus Jason Todd hires The Joker's Daughter to be part of their Heroes for Hire bullshit.

What editorial mandate was this? How long before Red Hood goes back to killing?

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #6 Rating: No change. So Red Hood and Roy Harper are done with killing people! Pussies. But at least all of the people who love Red Hood and love Arsenal but hate seeing them written by Scott Lobdell have company! Welcome fan favorite The Joker's Daughter to ruination! I can hear The Joker's Daughter's fans rolling over in their black sheets in their black painted room full of blacklight posters of unicorns! We're gonna have a good time in this comic book now!

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