Thursday, November 26, 2015

Dark Knight Universe Presents: The Atom #1

Why is roided out Billy Batson wearing a Superman costume?

If I were The Atom, I would win every battle because I would make sure everybody knew my go-to move. I'd shrink down to microscopic size so that nobody could find me. I'd enter into the person's urethra. Then I'd explode into my normal size. I suppose that would probably kill any females so I might have to think up a different move to get them to surrender. Although I can't be sure because I don't really know how pee leaves a woman! I mean, I know it sprays out of them in such a way that it gets underneath the front of the toilet seat which they never lift so they don't realize just how disgusting they are until some guy leaves the seat up and then they see the mess and blame it on a guy. This is easily proven if you're a woman. After peeing, lift up the toilet seat and watch as your pee drips down the back of the toilet because it sprayed all over the bottom of the ring! How do you manage that?! You're sitting right there with everything practically already in the toilet! At least guys have an excuse because they have to aim about a foot away and also sometimes their urethra's opening is all gummed up from dried semen and it sprays all funky. Oh, also guys are fucking careless jerks who sometimes try to multitask while peeing and don't realize their penis isn't pointing exactly in the right direction. Although it's a lot more complicated than women realize! You try peeing with a fire hose! Especially a really small fire hose that practically points straight at the toilet tank! I mean, um, a really big fire hose that's totally too hard to control because it's so big and girthy and satisfying!

This is a tiny comic book! That means it needs a tiny review! And since changing the font size is too much work, I'll just keep this review short! Short is a synonym for tiny!

This tiny comic book begins with The Atom feeling sorry for himself in such a way that he shits all over science by showing how emotions don't obey general relativity or special relativity or any kind of relativity at all except maybe the relativity of love stinks. The great scientist J. Geils discovered that equation. J. Geils also pioneered the science of pissing on walls and freezing frames. And yet somehow, J. Geils has never earned the Nobel Prize.

Ray says a lot of things that sound like things Brian Azzarello loves to write. He likes to write...not quite puns so much but...well, I don't know. You can tell he loves words and their inherent ambiguities and double or triple meanings. He's a wordsmith in the most annoying way! Like Keith Giffen is a Dialogue Knotmaster. They don't make reading their stuff easy! I mean, this stuff by Azzarello is definitely easier to read than when Giffen is really going gangbusters at Giffening some nutty dialogue. So I guess I'm giving Azzarello a compliment? Maybe?

Lara Kent (unless she took her mother's last name which would make her Lara Woman) stops by with a jar full of miniature people and a favor to ask on their behalf.

I had to scan this page to see if the Kandorian actually had some tiny writing but it was only scribbles.

Dark Knight Universe Presents: The Atom #1 Rating: I'm not rating this! It's just supplemental to The Master Race comic book! It's totally adorable and a cute way to tell a story parallel to the main story. I said that I wasn't sure if DK III: The Master Race was worth more than $4.50 but now I have to admit that it's well worth the six dollars because it had a cute little free comic book inside of it! Everything is better when it has something inside of it that you weren't expecting! Unless that surprise is a fetus and that something is your significant other.

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