Friday, November 6, 2015

Deathstroke #11

I'm failing to see how the monster variant is any different from the regular Slade.

Last issue ended with Slade Wilson tearing out his own eyeball and telling the Greek Gods to take it or leave it. I guess the gods decided to take it because this issue begins high above Belle Reve where Deathstroke has decided to schedule another useless, unnecessary double splash page.

It wouldn't have made any sense to render Flying Squirrel Deathstroke in anything less than a double page spread. So majestic!

This issue is called "Assault on the Wall" because Deathstroke is going "over the wall" to get into Belle Reve and also because he's going to physically assault a woman named "The Wall." It's okay though! That isn't misogynistic at all because every DC comic book reader knows that Amanda Waller is a total bitch that deserves to be beaten.

Deathstroke mentions how he didn't start this fight but, BY GOD!, he's going to finish it! No woman gets one over on Slade Wilson! Especially after a woman got one over on him in the last story arc which is why, I suppose, he's in such a hurry to beat up on Amanda. I don't know why else he's taking the fight to her. Maybe because she didn't pay him for his Suicide Squad mission that he never should have been on because he wasn't a prisoner? Plus he betrayed the team. Also why would the government hire an assassin when they have loads of meta-criminals at their beck and call in Belle Reve?

I'm probably jumping the gun by asking too many questions! I'm sure it will all be explained on the next few pages across dozens of Narration Boxes. I love when comic books spend all of their time dealing with explication! It's so much easier to understand what's going on.

Of course the comic book flips flop back through time to a day and a half earlier where Deathstroke has decided he needs to remember a whole bunch of stuff so that anybody listening in on his thoughts will be caught up with the story.

I know a lot of comic book reviewers aren't very smart so let me give them all a valuable tip: the more Narration Boxes a writer uses, the worse that writer is. It's practically a universal constant! It's the Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea Constant!

Slade still can't remember that his son's name is Joseph. And he wonders why his kids hate him!

I would like a panel of the Greek Gods sitting around looking sad while staring at Slade's eye on a marble table. Then maybe Cupid could pipe up and be all, "Wait. Why did we take his offer? Couldn't we have just killed him?"

Rose's home is invaded by armed persons as Deathstroke watches via spy satellite. He then screams at The Inquisitor to make it seem like he cares about his children. Within hours, Slade is cradling a dead body in his arms saying, "My daughter! My daughter! Rose? Was that her name? Yeah, yeah! I'm pretty sure it was Rose!" But the dead body isn't Rose at all! It's Rose's girlfriend who luckily took dying sexy classes. I hate when comic book artists don't draw female corpses in sexy positions where it looks like they're about to come their brains out.

Good work, Tyler! Good work.

The t-shirt is a reminder from Harley Quinn to Deathstroke that they made a horrible deal. I forget what the deal was or why Deathstroke would agree to it without also receiving five million dollars since he once said he doesn't kill for free. Anyway, his part of the deal is to kill Amanda Waller. That's a terrible deal because it means Slade is going to fail! That means his reputation will take a hit and nobody will ever want to hire him again! Even Twat Lobo will shake his head and mutter something about how he'd never let The Code down that bad. It's also possible that Harley will stop Deathstroke from killing Amanda at the last second and say, "Surprise! Happy birthday! Have you ever seen the inside of a clown car?!" Then fucking will happen.

Back in the present, Waller files a missile at Slade but he's prepared! He brought a missile distracting flare gun and a killer line to use as he shoots the flare gun: "Suck on this." Ha ha! That's some writing thirteen year old boys can really appreciate! I mean, I wouldn't have appreciated it at thirteen unless it was said by a sexy lady and she was handing me a sour Charms sucker.

Deathstroke drops an EMP on Belle Reve so that all the electronics are fried. And you know what that means! As soon as all the electronics become useless garbage, the electronic locks on the cells open the cells before becoming useless! That's standard prison etiquette!

I wonder if there was an article about writing "Breaking Into Prison" stories in Horrible Writers Monthly recently? Or is it just a coincidence that Will Pfeifer and Tony S. Daniel both wrote stories with their characters breaking into prison and letting all of the inmates out? I suppose I should just chalk it up to standard breaking into prison writing tropes rather than blame it on a fictional magazine I made up.

Once in the prison (Slade parachuted right through the roof, I think), Slade finds Harley while all of the guards are being murdered by escaped inmates. This is probably where I would point out that Slade is a psychopath for allowing a bunch of guards just doing their jobs to be killed but I don't want to be tsk-tsked by an angry fourteen year old comic book fan.

It doesn't matter that she's crossing her fingers because Slade won't kill Amanda anyway! Amanda has Too Big A Comic Character And Starring In Other Comic Books Immunity!

Slade teams up with Harley because Slade desperately needs to find the daughter he pretends to love. They murder a bunch of inmates because they must be on the floor with the inmates who all have face blindness because none of them seem to know that they're attacking Deathstroke. Another way to say "attacking Deathstroke" is "committing suicide."

Harley has one big breast in the middle of her chest and lips like the bud of a rose.

Deathstroke runs into Deadshot because that's a rivalry that only exists because their names are practically the same. They don't fight for long before Deathstroke realizes that somebody besides Harley left that message on Rose's dead girlfriend. But they don't have time to figure out what's going on because their fight brought them into the fabled "Aquatic Block" of Belle Reve where Black Manta apparently gets to hang out in a vat of water in his armor. Sure, every other time we've seen him, he's been in a cell with no access to his weapons. But this is a prison riot! Of course he would get out of his cell, find his armor (which according to comic book prison layout policy would have been kept in an unlocked locker on the cell block), and go jump in a vat of water in the Aquatic Block to wait for Deathstroke! Because when Deathstroke gets there, Black Manta drags him into a vat to let Slade know that it's "payback time."

Deathstroke #11 Rating: -1 Ranking. I have no fucking idea what is going on in this comic book. I think reading it is like soaking your head in a bucket full of chloroform. At first it's intoxicating! But soon you wake up with a headache next to a spilled bucket with your pants around you ankles and every orifice filled with cheese dip. At least I hope that's cheese dip. Oh god. I need to go puke.

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