Prez #5

That "Teen" tattoo seems like it'll be a bad idea for a high percentage of her life.

Teenagers, right?! 'nuff said!

So a teenager has become the president of the United States of America! That is some crazy shit right there! You can't make that stuff up! Hilarious! And of course she's doing a better job than any other president in the entire history of presidents! Mostly because she's one smart cookie with super cute freckles. Her hair is cute too. And she's got a tight body and a cool sense of fashion. She probably has like some skills or something too but who cares?! She's adorable!

The issue begins by pointing out how conservative news reporters and talk show hosts are idiots. That's a smart observation! It makes me think as I read it, "Yeah! I've totally thought how vacuous and simple-minded their arguments are! Right on, comic book!" It's too bad that stupid idiots who enjoy conservative news programs won't read this and think, "Yeah! I am a super huge idiot for swallowing this pap and disinformation! Der!" Hopefully nobody reading this right now is applauding what I've written and saying, "Right on!", while high-fiving their stupid friend who follows them around just in case there's a high-fiving moment. I'm just saying be careful about cheering me on because I'll probably be lampooning your beliefs unfairly in a few paragraphs and then you'll feel a bit awkward and embarrassed and won't be able to look your high-five friend directly in the eyes.

Corn Dog Girl is all, "America is terrible and I'm here to apologize for all the terrible stuff we've done!" And the ditz who somehow has a job interviewing politicians says, "You hate America because you don't support sending young men to their deaths or to be horribly wounded so that when they return to the United States from a corporate sponsored war you can feel good by referring to them as heroes!" And I'm reading this comic book and thinking, "I wonder if President Ross gives lap dances?"

Corn Dog Girl decides to travel the world apologizing in person for America's past abuses of practically whatever you can think of. Do you have a dictionary nearby? Open it up. Point to a word. Whatever it is, America took advantage of it while probably killing a bunch of people who couldn't speak English. Oh, who am I kidding?! I'm exaggerating. Of course they spoke English although it was only as a second language.

In the future, fashionable lady's underwear is just mummy bandages. So fucking hot.

Meanwhile the newest model of American imperialist violence has escaped from the lab. It's name is War Beast and it loves musicals where women don't love men but the men keep pushing and pushing and singing and just hanging around and never taking no for an answer until finally the woman sighs and shrugs her shoulders and marries him and cries herself to sleep every night for the rest of her life. Musicals are so romantic!

War Beast travels America living in a port-o-potty. I hope he's also writing poetry which is competent at best but really sends a message to bourgeois adults who just don't fucking get it at all, man.

War Beast's mouth is an asshole!

The definition of maturity is when you stop thinking about assholes as gross or funny and begin masturbating to them.

Oh my god. Hottest president ever after Garfield.

The CEOs all have holographic projections covering their heads to maintain anonymity. The guy in the previous scan is Big Pharma. They call him Pharmaduke. Get it?! Ha ha! That dog was crazy. Although I think 97% of the jokes in a Marmaduke comic were "The dog is really big."

Pharmaduke is all, "We're working on a cat flu vaccine that is guaranteed not to cause morons to think it causes autism. But we need more money to buy bigger facilities because I'm just so big!" Corn Dog Girl is all, "I have freckles! Cute ones and not disgusting ones! Imagine my naked booby, Tess! Imagine it!" This comic book is really good!

Then it's time to explore the jet Corn Dog Girl will be taking on her Sorry America Stepped On All Of Your Toes Tour!

Duh. It's a meat generator. Who would masculinize it? Also look how easily its feelings were hurt! Zing!

Zinging the entire female gender is probably not a great idea in this social climate where we're all currently pretending everybody is equal. Look, I warned you earlier that you were going to regret high-fiving your high-five friend!

Let the apologies begin!

That Iraqi guy's English is spectacular! But that Japanese guy? What does he want from America? We never bombed them with two atomic bombs again! Meaning!

Corn Dog Girl...shit! Excuse me! I keep calling her that. I'm such a dick. President Corn Dog Girl visits Pakistan next. She wants to meet with the insurgents as well as the Pakistan government although she should probably call them freedom fighters in their presence. But the Pakistan government is all, "Fuck those dicks! If you give them one ounce of apology, we'll let loose our Russian Automated Sentry Robots! And you know how poorly programmed those pieces of shit are!" But President Corn Dog Girl is all, "We must make peace no matter the risk to ourselves!" Then she looks around to see how many people are clapping but only finds lots of people working on eulogies for her funeral.

Back in church, War Beast continues to seek redemption.

Based on the last issue mention of Seven Brides For Seven Brothers, I would have liked to have seen War Beast choose the name Dorcas.

Pharmaduke tells his assistant Candi that the stock market doesn't work at all because it's just a popularity contest. The stock market is exactly like the comic book market in the 90s. Blue Chip stocks are those that are too expensive to be battered by speculation. They're the Amazing Fantasy #15s and the Action Comic #1s of the market. But most of the stock market is composed of variant covers, holographic card inserts, chrome covers, and horrible looking but mind-boggingly popular 90s Image comics. They're only of any real value while everybody believes they have value. Stock market analysts have to tell people that "bubbles" aren't really part of the stock market and that nobody should worry about them because people need to keep investing in the market or the whole thing collapses. Money isn't simply generated in the market if it's left alone, no matter how many moronic, ignorant assholes tell you that. People make money in the stock market because new money constantly flows into the stock market. And it only does that if people are convinced that it's some plodding machine that continually grows money over the years no matter what happens. But bubbles are part of the market. And the market can suffer a catastrophic collapse if all you millenials just decided to give the finger to all of the generations before you (who deserve it because they've given you the finger every day of your lives) and just completely ignored the stock market. Don't even bother with it. Just let it die! You have the power! Just like Sailor Moon!

What was the comic book talking about before I remembered how much I hated Image Comics in the 90s? Oh yeah! Pharmaduke is being a real dick about releasing the cat flue vaccine. Somebody is going to make him pay! Probably those Anonymous Hacker guys who are like the greatest Joes and Janes in the world! Totally doing a good job! Pip pip! Keep doing what you're doing which is mostly ignoring me!

Back in Pakistan, President Corn Dog Girl is all, "I'm saying important things and looking cute while doing it!"

This is only Page Sixteen and I feel like I've already read three comic books! More comic books should have this much story. Stupid decompression. I blame the millenials!

The Millenials should really consider changing their label to The Scapegoat Generation. Goats are cool.

As President Corn Dog Girl leaves her meeting with the insurgents (who are only surging for water!), the Russian Robots attack! They kill everyone which, you have to admit, solves the problem. You know what also solves the problem? Giving everybody water, food, and basic necessities. During the attack, President Corn Dog Girl's Tour Jet is shot down! The Ambassador almost dies from cardiac arrest but President Corn Dog Girl thinks fast and has Tabitha the Meat Maker create a heart to use as a transplant! It totally makes sense because the future! It also allows for an awesome cameo!

Yay Carl!

Prez #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book is worth more than most comic books because it tells 300% more story. Also the art is fantastic. Also the jokes are funny. Also it comments on our culture and probably makes fun of all the correct people. Insults are so funny but you have to be careful who they're directed at or else they become bullying which is bad. Only bully the people it is socially acceptable to bully! And remember: President Corn Dog Girl is my favorite so you should just move on to somebody else. Oh, who am I kidding? Hardly anybody is reading this comic book so I'm definitely the biggest fan of Corn Dog Girl.

Wasn't this some great entertainment?! And just think: it's only one of fifty pieces that you'll be missing out on once Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea goes Membership Only! Don't think I won't do it! I pretty much write these for myself anyway. What do I care if you're not getting them for free anymore?! Cough up one dollar per month already before you begin missing out! Go to my Patreon site and sign up today! Or later this month. Whatever!