Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Batman #46

This cover shits all over the gravitas I expect from my Batman comic books.

When are we going to get an issue focused entirely on Bruce Wayne puttering around the rec center until he realizes how terribly boring his life has become? That would be more exciting than following Commissioner Batman around. I'm sick of that guy! Hey DC! Remember how nobody was clamoring for a Commissioner Gordon comic book?! Remember how disappointed everybody was when the first Heroclix set came out and one of the unique slots was used up on Commissioner Gordon (as well as Desaad and Parasite. Man, you guys fucked up that first set!). With a day in the life of Bruce, we can get a nine panel page of him washing dishes. The point of view would be from behind him and halfway through the page, Julie Madison can walk up and slip her hand down the back of his pants and begins to finger his asshole.

I'm probably being too hard on Commissioner Gordon. But if you've been watching Gotham, you really wouldn't want any more Jim Gordon in your life either. That show made one huge error from the beginning and then kept repeating it over and over again until the entire premise of the show made no sense. It had Jim Gordon betray his belief in the law. For reasons of lazy writing and instant drama, Jim Gordon acts like a corrupt cop over and over again. But the show keeps telling us that he's the only good cop so apparently his reasons for acting outside of the law are valid. Except then the show continues to show us that they're not valid because the things he's done can get him into trouble with the law so now he's indebted to bad people which is the problem with being a corrupt cop and the reason Jim Gordon wanted to stop corruption in the first place. Other mistakes they're making? Doctor Leslie "Lee" Thompkins' character simply being the psychiatrist to her relationship with Jim Gordon. This show is called Gotham and not Jim Gordon, Holier Than Thou Gotham Cop. Give her an episode where she solves the mystery and saves the day. Give Bullock an episode where he conveniently avoids all of the horrible stuff going on throughout the episode which the viewer only pieces together through bits and pieces of conversation and scenes happening in the background as Bullock shoves five hot dogs in his face. Allow the Penguin to become so scary that other criminals finally fucking respect him and stop treating him as a punching bag. Let Bruce and Selina have fun together because we all know that's not going to last once Bruce develops his on point lecturing skills. Have the real Alfred Pennyworth arrive from London and kick the ass of the jerk-off impostor currently residing at Wayne Manor!

Although how crazily good did casting do their job with that kid playing Bruce Wayne? The writers aren't doing a great job on the obsession front. I don't believe this kid would become Batman at this point. But he definitely looks like Bruce Wayne! And since the show is so superficial, they nailed this part! Selina is also super cute and accurate. Although if I were writing the show, I'd already show her constantly having trouble zipping up her clothes correctly.

So the last issue of Batman ended with Mister Bloom attacking a Powers Company press conference. This is probably a good thing because Geri Powers has been trying to oust Jim Gordon from the Batman role. That's because there's more money in offering the city private security via Bat-Robots than in working with the police and selling them her technology. While you might think from the previous paragraphs that I'd think ousting Jim Gordon would be a good thing, I certainly don't want to see him replaced by a private security firm maintaining law in Gotham. Because that story is worse and also old and also also tired.

Mister Bloom is just another "solider" trying to save another city in his own way!

When did "saving cities" become the main focus of DC's super heroes? Instead of just stopping crime, they're constantly battling for control of the city. But it's always some sort of battle against violent crime or corruption or against somebody else who is trying to "save the city" but in the wrong way. It's never about actually helping to make the city a better place. Although that's kind of what Bruce Wayne is finally getting around to doing now that he's not obsessed with Batman's idea of justice. He's helping at a community level to make things better for kids whose families don't have many resources. It might be the first truly heroic thing Batman has ever done to try to save his city! Sure, he gentrifies neighborhoods but that's just shoving problems around to other parts of the city and not actually fixing anything. So is that what this Commissioner Gordon story is about? Is it about Bruce finally embracing real ways to help Gotham? But what's Jim's story? What's he learning? Is he learning that corporations shouldn't be given as much power as governments tend to give them? Maybe he's figuring out that gardening is bad and nature is a big jerk?

Commissioner Batman arrives and unloads a bunch of Bat-bullets into the back of Mister Bloom's head, execution style! It doesn't do anything. Also, Commissioner Batman has now decided to work outside of the Honey Bunny Bat Armor because it was too restricting. Now the armor fights alongside him by voice commands. I'd probably fight outside of it as well at this point since it instantly gets put out of commission in every fight. This fight is no different as it goes down after just three of Mister Bloom's stick fingers pierce its shell.

I might be siding with the bad guy on this one.

I might agree with Mister Bloom on his dislike of Jim Gordon's job performance but I can't side with a guy named Mister Bloom. How about Blister Moom? Is that better? I like that better!

M-O-O-N! That spells Blister Moom!

Julia Perrywonth turns on the Bat-blimp's Bat-magnet (tuned to a new magnetic frequency which must be a thing since it's happening and not all the metal in the room is sticking to it and I should probably have taken more science classes in college and less classes about religion) and Mister Bloom sticks to it! He seems helpless although you'd think since he can grow his fingers super long, he'd still be able to attack Gordon. Maybe he just can't point them in the right direction now. And even if you can grow your fingers out to huge lengths, let's not be ridiculous about it. You can't just make them bend any way you want!

Oh Mister Bloom! Backpedaling so quickly? You lost my respect more quickly than any woman who would actually let me touch them!

Don't let your initial reaction to the previous caption get the better of you! That statement has nothing to do with the women in the statement and everything to do with how I view myself as a disgusting monster. I can barely look myself in the mirror after I've satisfied my pretty much entirely satiable lusts.

It's just a gross kind of purple goo, Geri. I've overstretched one or two in my life. Never mind how. Disgusting monster, remember?

Mister Bloom smashes the electromagnet he's stuck to with his stretchy elbows and is able to get away. Everybody says, "Oh darn! We'll get him next time!" Then the scene shifts to Bruce Wayne showering because he must have just got done doing the dishes with Julie.

Goddammit, Madison! You make a better door than a window!

Wasn't there a Batman villain with a hole straight through her head? What was her name? Glory Hole? She'd be an awesome date!

Meanwhile, Duke "Yet Another Robin" Thomas has decided to break into the New Iceberg Lounge looking for clues to the whereabouts of his missing parents. He finds something that makes him spit up his lockpicks. It's either information about The Penguin's relationship with Mister Bloom, information about his parents, or The Penguin's sex diary. Please, please, please let it be that last one.

The new plan to capture Mister Bloom (whom Geri has tracked down with help from something Gordon did a few issues ago) is to send an army of Batman robots into his warehouse. The Powers Company has decided that what cities need to save themselves are men in high-tech battle suits and not superheroes. That's because superheroes constantly want to do their own thing while men in battle suits are on payrolls and can be fired if they don't follow orders! Also the suits cost a lot of money and will make Geri and the investors in The Power Company rich beyond imagining!

Commissioner Gordon convinces everybody to let Batman go in after Mister Bloom all alone. Everybody agrees because they don't care if Commissioner Batman dies. It would actually solve a lot of problems. And it would leave a vacuum open that Bruce Wayne would just have to fill because nobody is going to keep buying this comic book if Batman is suddenly taken over by yet another non-Bruce Wayne idiot!

Back at the Iceberg Lounge, Robin is caught by Dollfucker, The Gimp, Cave Fish, and Father Who Got Up For A Midnight Snack And Forgot To Close His Robe Guy.

Commissioner Batman rides his improbable Batmobile to Mister Bloom's warehouse. He has a plan that doesn't make a lot of sense but it should allow him to block Mister Bloom's stretchy powers long enough to subdue him. Then he'll unmask him and discover that it's a character that was introduced for a short time during one of the previous issues. I don't remember all of them (okay fine. I don't remember any of them) so I can't guess as to Mister Bloom's identity. But Duke Thomas might already know it based on what he read in The Penguin's sex diary. Maybe it's Julie Madison's brother! No, that would be stupid. Maybe it's Julie Madison!

Commissioner Batman confronts Mister Bloom and his plan fails, of course. Rather than going off without a hitch like nobody expected, the Honey Bunny Bat Armor turns on Commissioner Gordon and grabs him around the throat! It looks like the end for the Uncaped Crusader!

Batman #46 Rating: No change. I'm enjoying the Mister Bloom story and don't mind that it's taking its time to get from point beginning to point whatever the fucking conclusion will bring Bruce Wayne back. But I would like for it to give me a little something more each month! Answer some secrets, dammit! Hey Scott! You do know how fucking long a month is, right?! Give me a little something to keep me going here! Just a little! I'll do whatever you want if you just give me a clue to Mister Bloom's identity! Anything! You want a little suck? Maybe a short rim job? No wait. That's a lie. Once I get my tongue going there won't be anything short about it. Um, how about maybe not leaving everybody in sticky situations?! Reveal what Duke found instead of leaving him nearly caught by The Penguin! Don't tease me with exactly one panel of Alfred taking an axe to the Bat Cloning Machine and never get back to that! Let Mister Bloom reveal something about his (or her!) past! Jesus Christ, Snyder. I'm sick from expectations! I need more, you asshole! MORE!

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