Thursday, November 26, 2015

Batman and Robin Eternal #7

Why is the air in Prague full of knives and throwing stars? Climate change?

Fun Fact From A Twelve Year Old Boy: "Throwing Stars" are also called "shurikens" or "ninja stars" or "murder snowflakes."

This issue's script is by Genevieve Valentine so I expect it will suddenly be a mafia story whose theme revolves around an Elizabethan love letter. That means things are going to get weird between Bruce and Dick, doesn't it? I suspect Crane's Fear Toxin will play a large part. Also Batman's penis.

Years ago, Batman designed a Batcave in Prague. Years later, Dick, Cassie, and Harper are hanging out in it. It's less a Batcave and more a Batossuary. But I think that's standard in Prague. Fully seventy percent of all buildings in Prague are actually ossuaries. That's another fun fact from a twelve year old boy! Would you like another?

Fun Fact From A Twelve Year Old Boy: Pegasus is not a race of winged horses, you stupid fucking moron. It's a unique creature born out of the blood of Medusa's decapitated face. Duh.

Sometimes fun facts from twelve year old boys can be a little aggressive. There's also a greater than even chance that they're wrong but don't argue with a twelve year old boy about it because most of them are stubborn assholes who have no concept of "being incorrect."

Who lost a foot? Orphan lost a foot? Didn't he lose a hand? Have I been wrong about anatomy my whole life?!

While Harper and Cassie go on a secret mission to protect a ballerina, Jason Todd and Tim Drake visit an island that I didn't think existed anymore: Gamorra. Didn't Black Canary blow it up with her Canary Cry? Has there ever been a lamer name for a super power that can blow up a person's head? Maybe I shouldn't ask that. Super hero comic books have existed for over seventy-five years, most of which was Golden and Silver Age stories full of lame and ridiculous things. Modern comic books aren't much better! I don't think adding grim grittiness really improves them at all. They just cause twelve year old boys to start using the word "fuck" a lot more.

Tim is trying to solve a mystery but Jason just wants to talk about Tim punching Dick. Hey, English speaking countries? Can we retire the name Richard? Or, at the very least (the extremely very least!), stop using Dick as a nickname for Richard? How mature must a person be to embrace the name "Dick"?! And how do they find friends who aren't constantly making jokes about their name? I'm just too immature not to become completely distracted after typing a sentence like "Tim punching Dick." How does one ignore that?! And DC Comics doesn't help matters when I'm reading about Dick Grayson because DC Comics only knows how to print capital letters! So "Dick" and "dick" just become "DICK" which sometimes causes confusion! How do I know when Batman is calling Grayson by name or just angry with him?!

Tim admits to being a robot and Jason admits to being an alcoholic. It's a really great bonding experience that--for once--doesn't involve DICK at all.

Cassie is happy to have some airflow around her vagina. That leather suit she seemingly never gets out of must smell horrible.

Just to derail any notions that the above caption was a "vaginas smell" joke, I'd say the same thing about a guy wearing a leather suit constantly. Sweaty ball syndrome happens in light, airy pants; I can't imagine how awful it must be in leather pants. It's probably like the most vile stew imaginable. On other people, of course! If it's your own body and your own sweaty leather suit, you'd probably stick your nose deep in the crotch after taking it off and inhale a nice big whiff! Being comfortable with your own bodily smells (more than comfortable, really! Enjoying them is closer to the truth) is probably proof that a person can learn to enjoy the taste of any food. I have no doubt that all of the smells coming off of my body would be disgusting if I couldn't smell for my entire life and then tomorrow I suddenly could. I wouldn't be able to live with myself! But after just a few years of constantly farting on yourself, you acclimate to your distinctive farty stench. It's the same way with food! If you eat something enough, your sense of smell begins to accept it and stops trying to make you throw up every time you try to put it in your mouth. Now it sounds like I'm talking about DICK again!

At the ballet, Cassie repeats the only word she apparently knows: "Mother." She says it because the prima ballerina looks like Mother. I think. Cassie doesn't really explain herself.

Dick Grayson follows the tracer put on Orphan and winds up at the ballet as well. He finds the tracer but no Orphan and realizes it was a trap! It's refreshing to see a hero fall into a trap unexpectedly rather than having to be so smart that they know something is a trap but then jump into the trap anyway because "It's the only way!"

The entire ballet turns on Harper and Cassie and rush the audience. The rest of the audience goes, "Well, this is different! Bravo! Or Brava! One of those!" Backstage, Dick meets Mother. I think. Apparently he's met her before. Probably years ago when he and Bruce attended Giselle which I'd know was also a ballet if that stupid fucking twelve year old boy actually knew some facts about things that mattered. Does ballet matter?

Batman and Robin Eternal #7 Rating: No change. Mother is super old (you can tell because she's a comic book female with actual lines on her face) which means that she's been in business for years. Has she been in business long enough to have been behind Bruce's parents' murder?! Did he somehow get away from Mother? She had to have been doing this long enough for Bruce's peers to have wives who grew up with Mother. Anyway, this reminded me that Batman supposedly murdered a couple to orphan their daughter in Egypt. Obviously that's some kind of misleading bit to shock the audience into thinking Batman was up to some vile crap or mind-controlled. But I wonder if the way Mother keeps this whole sex slave organization secret is to have her customers commit a murder to orphan a child when they purchase an older model brainwashed orphan. That keeps the stock fresh! So if Bruce wants to infiltrate Mother's organization by seeming to be interested in buying a bride of his own, he would have to pretend to orphan a child himself. None of that has anything to do with the comic book I just read but it was all about Cassie wetting herself over ballet and I didn't really have much else to say about that.

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