Black Canary #5

This cover reminds me I need to catch up on iZombie Season Two.

Annie Wu is still being lazy and refusing to draw issues of Black Canary, so Pia Guerra is back. I guess that's okay. She did a good job of making me want to put my penis on top of Bo's vagina, or however that works. I wonder what would happen if I entered "vagina" into Lord Google? Here are the things that pop up (besides you know what! Hee hee!):

"Amy Schumer on her dating life": That's because she has a vagina and vaginas are used in dating. I'm only guessing since I didn't actually click on the link.

"Jessica Biel, Vibrators, Vagina": This must be one of those SAT questions.

"Mike Tyson: Khloe's vagina saved Lamar...'brought him back from the dead'": Holy shit. Somebody should bring back the show In Search Of and the first episode should be "In Search of...Khloe Kardashian's Vagina." Tomorrow, I'm going out and getting a bracelet that reads "If found dead, put penis on Khloe Kardashian's Vagina, or however that works." I'm going to live forever!

"The Vagina (Human Anatomy): Picture, Parts, Function...": I guess you have to be specific if you're looking for like a cat vagina or something.

"Vagina - Wikiepedia, the free encyclopedia": What do nerds know about vaginas? Go here if you want to believe they have teeth and can cast curses. I mean if they can't. Can they?

"What Men Think of 8 Vagina Types (Yes, Really)": There are eight types of vagina? I can only think of five: Normal, Sideways, Rotating, Penis, and Mostly Hair.

"10 Wonderful Things You Should Know About Your Vagina": This is from Women's Health Magazine's website so it's probably biased. I bet Maxim has a totally different set of wonderful things.

"The Best Ways To Touch Her Vagina": This is from Men's Health Magazine so it probably doesn't list things like "with her consent" or "with clean hands."

I couldn't just leave that last one without wondering what their advice was! So the first thing they recommend is to stroke her clitoral hood. The image to go with this advice is a woman looking under the hood of a car. Now I'm super confused about what I'm supposed to be doing. Shouldn't the picture be the thing I'm supposed to find?! Based on this picture, I'm expecting to find a pull tab to check my lady's love juice levels and a severely crusted battery.

This is the image they use for "caressing her cervix" which must be a euphemism for "kick her in the vagina as hard as you can."

Okay, now that I know how to touch a vagina (but not what one looks like! Some diagrams really would have helped), it's time to pick up some horny ladies in the bar at the bowling alley! But since it's Halloween, It will be extra intimidating, so I'm just going to stay home and read Black Canary. Maybe I'll try it next week! Except the new Call of Duty comes out next weekend. Bah, maybe I'll find a willing vagina next year.

Black Canary begins this issue by saying all the wrong things to say at the beginning of a story.

Stories need conflict and if you say things like this at the beginning of the story, you're making it easy for Conflict to say, "Hey! What a great idea! She loves these people so if we put them in danger, conflict! And then the resolution can either be she saves them or they die. Doesn't really matter. I did my part! Conflict rules!"

Somebody backstage is not happy about Black Canary's onstage lovefest. He's all, "Grump grump grump stare stare." That must be Conflict.

The band's bus was destroyed by ninjas or aliens so now they're traveling in a minivan. Conflict let's Dinah know that he really felt the love but I don't think he really felt it at all. Also Conflict turns out to be Kurt Lance. I forgot he was hanging around trying to get this comic book cancelled.

Apparently the band is out of the money the label gave them for the tour because they had to pay for rebuilding every venue they've played in. So now they can't stay in a hotel and have to sleep in the woods where the murderers live. While they're making camp, we learn that Byron's sister is named Shelley and then we all puke. At least I did! She probably has a couple of brothers named Keats and Barrett Browning. And she probably grew up with a parrot named Coleridge who wouldn't shut the fuck up. "Water! Water! SQUAWK! Everywhere! SQUAWK! Ruin the wedding! SQUAWK! Ruin the wedding!"

Over veggie hot dogs and S'mores, Dinah decides that the record label is behind some kind of conspiracy and the band is being used by them. She also clears up the whole Ashes On Sunday thing which was so obvious it's no wonder I couldn't figure it out. Ashes was just the band she was in before she ditched them because the record company offered her a lot of money to replace Bo in Alas Insane and change the name to Black Canary. They also forced Ditto on the band. I think they might be creating a rock band that is also a super weapon.

While sleeping, Black Canary is stuck with a needle by the good ninja in white!

Darn it. I wish Dinah slept in frilly underwear.

The White Ninja isn't as good as her white clothing would lead you to believe. She's taken a sample of Black Canary's juices and kicked her and thrown ninja stars at her. But Dinah keeps up the chase through lots of pages without any words. Eventually Dinah loses her because ninjas are impossible to follow through trees. They can run along the tiniest branches while fat-ass non-ninja types just break everything and get caught in shrubs and twist their ankles. And since the chase is over, it's time for the record signing in the morning!

At the signing, Black Canary gets called out by a bunch of other bands for a Band Fight! Band fights are always called Battle of the Bands and they're serious business. One time after Iron Maiden had put out a couple of records, they lost a Battle of the Bands and their lead singer was cannibalized by the other bands. Later they hired some guy named Paul Di'Anno to pretend that he was their original singer but true Battle of the Bands fans know what really happened. Fear of the repercussions of a losing Battle of the Bands competition is also why Pete Best left The Beatles. It was a Battle in which the losing bands would all be placed under Gypsy curses. The Beatles were young and inexperienced and lost. It's why Lennon was eventually murdered, Harrison died of cancer, McCartney lived way too long to matter to anybody anymore, and, although everybody knows there was a fourth member, nobody can remember him because he ceased to exist.

I don't think these youngsters know how serious a Battle of the Bands is! I bet Bo's band is the last band and she set up the challenge by putting Satan's dick on top of her vagina, or however that works.

Backstage, Heathcliff reveals that he's in love with Pomeline. I mean, he reveals that the fifth band is Bo's band, "Bo M." Is that short for Bowel Movement because that's a good name for a band. I'm ignoring everybody who is telling me what it really means because I'm pretending it's short for Bowel Movement. La la la! I can't hear your poorly pronounced French! La la la la la!

Dinah watches Bo perform and realizes that maybe she needs to learn to move on stage the way Bo does. Dammit, Dinah! Everybody has been telling you that you need better movement and stage presence! I might be wrong but it feels like she's been told by every other character (except Ditto but you can see in Ditto's eyes that she thinks Dinah is a cold fish and a wet blanket too) that she needs to learn some moves! Most of my critical reviews have been filled with me screaming things like, "Maybe you should do your martial arts on stage, you barn owl!" But it took Bo's sexy, sexy moves to make Dinah realize that maybe grinding her vagina against the mic stand isn't the only move she needs.

Dinah also discovers that Bo has learned how to do the Sonic Scream! Whoops.

Black Canary #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. I wish I was reading more comic books meant for adults because there isn't enough sex or nudity in DC's comic books. No wonder people write fan-fiction because I really want to read a story about Bo sitting on Dinah's face now. The conflict of the story should be whether or not they're going to get into some serious ass-play. But I guess for a comic book targeted at teens, this one is pretty good. I guess teens don't know about sex so sex is forbidden in these books. Stupid teens! You're ruining it for everybody!