The Darkseid War: Flash #1

I'm disturbed that this issue is called "The Darkseid War: Flash" and not "The Darkseid War: The Flash".

The Flash has a new job as Black Racer. That means he gets to reap souls while dying people cough blood and say things like, "Seriously? Death is a skier? Why am I not being hugged by Jesus?! How is reality so absolutely different than everything I believed while alive?! What's happening?! *CROAK!*"

Hey, did you guys watch The Flash this week? My only question is does Zoom ever look into mirrors? Because he looks like a bad-ass monster and yet he still thinks "Zoom" is an appropriate name? If I were Zoom, I would call myself Gonna-Fuck-Up-A-Ton-Of-Shitmonster! Although the media would probably shorten it to Shitmonster and that might be a bit embarrassing. Although Zoom can probably time travel, right? So any journalist who thought they were being clever by calling me Shitmonster, I would murder them as a baby because apparently that's a cool and totally kosher thing to do! But you have to wait until Baby Hitler is born, of course, because aborting him would be totally wrong and against god.

Of course, time travel being what it is, simply by going back in time to murder Baby Hitler in his crib changes time. You are no longer in the timeline where Hitler grew up to be a huge bummer. You very well may be in a timeline where Hitler unites the world in peace and love! So if you murder Baby Hitler, the least of what's happened is that you've committed infanticide and become a huge dick with delusions of being a savior. The worst of what's happened is that you've become the actual monster! I mean, I think you were a monster to begin with because you were ready and willing to murder a baby but that's neither here nor there nor in that other timeline.

Bullshit. Death isn't necessary at all!

Okay, yes. Death is a necessary part of evolution. But say evolution was not how species changed across time as each new generation favors attributes which help the species to survive. What if mankind were, let's say, created by an intelligent being fully formed and perfect! Then why is death needed? It is not. At that point, death simply becomes a punishment for trespassing and petty theft. Of course, why would two perfectly formed creatures need to reproduce if they were immortal anyway? Why would they be created with the ability to reproduce? That seems like a recipe for eventual overcrowding! Death is also necessary because creatures need to eat and the best kinds of things to eat are other creatures (I'm including plants as creatures in this statement because I'm not a dick who decides some living organisms are somehow better than other living organisms. I mean, as long as we're not including mosquitoes. Those guys are dicks). But then, death isn't needed to bring meaning to our lives the way philosophers and sentimental assholes like to believe. If we didn't die, we'd still find meaning in every stupid fucking thing across the ages. Christ, you can't go down the street swinging a triple flail without some asshole finding meaning in your idiocy.

The Flash begins crying over his mother some more because he's a baby. Poor baby Barry! Baby Barry want his mama?

What a startling revelation! Everybody dies! I suppose Barry will now move from "It's all meaningless" to "It all has meaning" in a few simple steps.

I hope this doesn't become a "life is precious because of its brevity" story now. How about we get real about death and forget about turning it into something sentimental which proves that every moment of life is worth that much more because it's finite. How about we learn that death is meaningless. People die in meaningless and horrible ways all the fucking time. Every death does not have to be turned into some kind of cautionary tale or be the inspiration for a new law which will save lives. How about we embrace that death is meaningless and that there is no afterlife. All we have is now. All we have is this one lifetime. That brings meaning, not because it's brief but because it's our only chance to experience life. If you know this is all you have, and all that everybody has, it makes you appreciate it more than believing you're in a dress rehearsal for heaven. Realizing this is everybody's one and only chance at existence should make you a nicer and better person all around because you know the value of every other life and should choose not to fuck it up for anybody else. Embrace the meaningless of it all and you have your meaning. Unless you're a stupid idiot like the vast majority of people. Then, by all means, keep doing what you're doing because look how well that's working out for everybody.

And now I'm thinking of this:



I can't not cry when I hear Johnette's magnificent voice sing "Life is beautiful, and terrible, and strange." Thanks for the lines around my eyes, Concrete Blonde.

The Flash accepts death while also accepting that he's going to have to be death. Although he could get lucky and walk in on somebody about to shoot themselves in the head who gets startled by him so that the guy turns the gun on Flash and kills him thus freeing him from having to be death! That happens sometimes, right?

Oh, come on, Barry! Just because you choose not to kill the people doesn't mean the people aren't going to die! Remember your revelation earlier about how everybody dies?! Just think of this job as following orders! You're not responsible!

The Flash only has to take one life to become Black Racer so he chooses to take Black Racer's life. Sure, it's a hilarious twist ending but it doesn't really make much sense, right? I mean, Black Racer is just a concept that needs a host. So in actuality, Barry would need to take his own life but that would mean Black Racer would simply find another host. I guess I should be less cynical and just root for the hero at this point.

Barry kills Death and realizes he made a little bit of a boo-boo.

I still think he should have had to kill himself to get to this point. But I guess that would mean Wally West would have to take over again and become everybody's favorite Flash all over again and Barry Allen would be forgotten for twenty five years again and who wants that? Especially if it's New 52 Wally West!

So let me get this straight. Darkseid saved the universe by tethering death to the Black Racer? Darkseid should be lauded as a hero? Is that what I'm hearing?!

Barry decides to give up his own life to save the universe and become Black Racer forever and ever. Or at least until the end of The Darkseid War (which might wind up feeling like it's lasting forever).

The Darkseid War: Flash #1 Rating: This was the best issue so far because at least it dealt with Barry coming to terms with what he needs to be responsible for versus his own humanity. This issue actually gives Barry's reactions to what's happening to him as opposed to Superman and Batman where they've just lost their humanity completely. They're all just, "Everything I say or do is right and nothing else matters and blah blah blah I am above all of these mortal concerns except for pie and justice, I guess." Hey! They sound just like me! Except for the justice part.