Justice League 3001 #5

Commissioner Gordon?!

This issue begins like so many other Giffen/DeMatteis jams with an alien trying to figure out how to work a toilet. I don't have any proof that they've begun a comic book this way before but judging by my vast comic book reading experience, if you're reading a book by Giffen and DeMatteis then you're probably reading things they've written before. They're masters of plagiarizing their own work, if, you know, that's a thing. I'm pretty sure it's a thing but nobody is going to sue you over it. Starro does make a good argument against Creationism though when he points out that the "need for constant waste disposal is a serious flaw" in creature design. Why isn't the universe simply composed of only things that the human stomach can break down into energy without needing to expel a bunch of useless shit? Before you begin arguing, realize that any answer you come up with just makes it sound like God kept making mistakes and realized he had to compensate for every mistake he made instead of going back and fixing the problem. God needed an editor!

Here's my argument for why we need to expel our waste! God's universe needed some building blocks that can't be broken down easily. He can't have the entire universe made out of shit humans can digest because that would probably violate building codes. So he had to create a failsafe in case one of his stupid humans ate a bunch of diamonds. You can't have those just sitting around in your stomach taking up space until you die! And by "die," I mean live forever until Adam and Eve fuck it up for everyone! And by "everyone," I mean themselves. Although if you read Genesis correctly, you'll realize that God created lots and lots of men and women before he created the Garden of Eden where he created his favorite man and woman. It goes a long way to explaining how Cain found people to have sex with that weren't his family. It's so logical that it's totally understandable that the church doesn't teach it. I was going to say it's not understandable but since when does the church deal in logic? So totally understandable!

Guy Gardner is still looking really cute as a woman so he's a successful comic book character since comic book women really only have to be hot. Nobody cares about any personality traits beyond luscious hair, full lips, perky bosoms, and a tight ass. Can I get an amen?

Guy Gardner has discovered that he's been doing womanly things without remembering having done them. I say "womanly things" because he set the table for a cute romantic breakfast and apparently I'm sexist.

Guy's host body's DNA wasn't entirely overwritten when he was "resurrected" so now the host's DNA is bleeding into his. That means he's remembering and feeling things that his host body experienced. I guess in the future, memories are stored in DNA and not as electrical data in the brain. Or I can just assume that Firestorm 3001 is a lousy scientist and doesn't really know what he's talking about. Whatever the cause, if it isn't fixed, Guy Gardner will soon be wiped from existence by Shiryalla Tome, his host's returning personality.

Meanwhile on Takron-Galtos, Fire and Ice learn of Area 13 where superpowered people are kept in cells so that they don't completely destroy the surface prison world.

Also because they're Marvel characters and the lawyers said they couldn't be used. Also note Ambush Bug again!

Gigantic Robo-Batman has been following Fire and Ice around so that he could locate the entrance to Area 13. His goal is to kill all of the Marvel characters imprisoned there. Who is this mysterious Dark Knight in Gigantic Armor?! Is he a force for good?! A crazy criminal that stumbled upon one of Batman's Deathpocalypse suits?! Is it...is it Damian Wayne?!

Batman 3001 and Supergirl (the original! I mean, not the Danvers one! The one that died in Crisis! Unless it was one that came after? Oh, I don't know! It's Supergirl! She has a nice bum!) have built a Bat-Signal so that they can meet the Batman of Takron-Galtos. It probably won't end up in a fight because Batman, Supergirl, and Robo-Batman are good guys and good guys do not punch each other in the faces for no reason at all. Ever.

Robo-Batman is definitely overcompensating. Maybe it's Oberon! Robo-Oberon!

Robo-Batman decides punching Batman 3001 is the best course of action. That's understandable! He was inspired by the myths of the real Batman and about 97% of those stories involve Batman maiming or crippling somebody. Reap what you sow, Batman!

Ambush Bug makes another appearance, just so y'all know he's still out there in the 3001 world.

Supergirl tears the head off of Robo-Batman and yanks open the chest plate to see who's inside.

It's a cat girl! And why is the armor attached to her vagina?!

Back on Camelot Nine, Superman 3001 learns from L-Ron that Ariel Masters is working with the Injustice League 3001 to bring down the Justice League 3001! L-Ron is currently in charge while Ariel is planning bad things with her teammates and apparently L-Ron isn't very good at lying. I don't think he was named appropriately if he can't make up immense lies that fool lots of people into believing stupid bullshit. Anyway, Lois is planning on returning to her body and attacking the League now so I guess it doesn't matter that Superman found out her secret.

Meanwhile on Takron-Galtos, Batman, Supergirl, and Catwoman Tina Sung head off to get some questions answered by Sheriff Tariq as Harley Quinn 3001 watches them go.

Justice League 3001 #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. People who enjoy enjoying things would probably enjoy this comic book. People who enjoy hating things for the most minuscule of reasons would probably enjoy hating this comic book. People who are no fun because...well, you probably know who you are and why, so let's leave it at that, shall we?...should probably not even be reading my comic book critiques! You should be changing the world for the better through inspiration and awareness! Inspiration and raising awareness! What bullshit! Raising awareness just means you're doing something you want to do anyway and hoping that somebody else will do the actual hard work of fixing the broken things! Being inspiring is just trying to give puffed up meaning to, once again, whatever you enjoy doing anyway. If I can inspire just one person to say stupid things on the internet, I've done my job! If I can raise awareness that stupid comic books exist and that people probably shouldn't read them, I should be sainted! I'M THE GREATEST!