Red Hood and the Outlaws #0

These team books have been focusing on just one member of the team in these Zero Issues, so my guess is we'll learn how Jason Todd became Robin. And then like Batgirl's Zero Issue, the Joker will make an appearance at the end to fuck some serious shit up.

The first page has three panels (discounting the panel with the title in it). Since Jason Todd is narrating, these must be very important moments in his life. His mother giving birth to him in Panel One. His dad cheating on his mom while she's giving birth in Panel Two. The Joker bashing his head in because fans in the eighties hated Robin and were complete assholes in Panel Three. I believe DC's vote to see whether Jason Todd lives or dies was a precursor to internet Trolldom. Jason Todd died because "the best lack all conviction" while "the worst are filled with passionate intensity." Speaking of which, Yeats predicted the fucking internet decades ago!

He was conceived in an alley under the shadow of a typo.

I'm going to give Lobdell a pass this issue on me bitching about the entire story being told in Narration Boxes as if Jason Todd were speaking directly to the reader. It's a fucking Zero Issue and it's about origins. Todd can be telling this Origin to a group of runaways under a freeway on-ramp for all I care. Maybe it's like that scene in Hedwig and the Angry Inch when Hedwig is telling her (his? its?) life story while on the worst stage at an outdoor music festival. Maybe Jason Todd can sing some of this!

Jason's dad was a drunk asshole. His mom was a depressed user. His dog ate constantly ate its own shit.

No. Seriously.

And he states that the happiest day of his life was in an incubator on the day he was born. Yeah, but that's because he traded his happiest memory away when he and the Outlaws went into that weird space looking for the Untitled and came out with just a snowglobe. So the best day of his life was when he was sick and Batman decided to not patrol and instead sit home with him and watch television. But Jason Todd doesn't have that memory anymore! So the next happiest day of his life was alone in an incubator protected by its glass walls from his fucked up parents.

Eventually Jason Todd's dad gets arrested, goes to jail, and dies in prison. His mother is pregnant on the night he goes to jail. On the night Jason Todd finds his mom dead, she doesn't look pregnant in that panel. But he never mentions her having a child or him taking care of a baby brother after that. Maybe she sold the baby for the drugs which she overdosed on. I'm even making the assumption that she overdosed. Maybe she just slit her wrists. But there's no blood in the panel where he finds her dead. There are some footprints though! Maybe she was beaten to death by the Joker who took her baby to raise as his own!

Jason Todd turns to crime to get by. Eventually someone catches him and beats him close to death. He wakes up in a hospital where a nurse treats him with the first kindness he's ever known. She believes he can turn his life around. She believes he deserves love. But what does Todd know? He steals from the first chance he gets but is immediately caught by Batman. But the nurse comes to his defense in a bit of a Les Miserables moment and somehow convinces Batman to take him under his wing.

"Really, Master Bruce? Another fucking kid? This is getting to be a seriously bad habit, if you don't mind my saying."

Eventually Jason becomes the next Robin since Dick went off to do something else. And eventually he was grounded from patrol for nearly killing the thugs they were capturing because he couldn't quite contain his anger at his father. So back on monitor duty, he finds himself at the beginning of a twisted version of the Preboot story, "A Death in the Family." Instead of discovering his mom was not his real mom after being grounded from patrol, he notices a picture come in on the Bat Computer of his mother still alive. Jason Todd leaves without telling anyone to search for his mom. He eventually finds her but it's a trap. The Joker is waiting. He knocks Todd senseless with a crowbar and leaves him with his mother die in an explosion. Batman arrives too late to do anything. It's a very slight variation on Todd's Preboot death.

DC in 1989: "Wait, what? The fans don't like Robin?! Count those votes again!"

And then sometime later, Jason Todd wakes up in a Lazarus Pit.

Apparently Lobdell didn't get the note that DC Comics were 20 pages long now since this is yet another one of his titles that runs 16 pages. Although I probably shouldn't be so quick to blame the writer. Maybe it's the artists who can only handle so many pages a month so the last four pages need to be a new story with a new artist. Anyway, the last four pages are filled with The Joker telling a story to an audience at the Airport Hilton, Conference Room Three.

It's only classic in the sense that The Joker is insane and doesn't give a shit about the definition of words.

This Joker story is the worst piece of shit I've ever read and will probably be retconned right out of existence as quickly as possible by the fans. Except I've come to believe the fans deserve what they get. They get so invested in liking certain writers and artists that they meet them when they get the chance. And then they think they're the best of friends and they suddenly love every single thing that drips out of the person's colon and happens to hit paper. But this story. THIS STORY!? Lobdell, you, sir, are an idiot and an ass.

The story: Joker fashioned Jason Todd to become the next Robin. It was all Joker's plan! Joker had Todd's father arrested and probably killed in jail. Joker had his mom appear dead from on overdose although it was really one of those drugs that makes a person seem dead. Joker beats Jason Todd near to death and leaves him for a caring nurse to find. Then Joker sees Batman with Robin and thinks, "Ha ha! I did it!" Fuck you, Lobdell.

Comic books may be escapist entertainment where anything can happen. But this? This is the one thing that can't happen. Well, not the one thing. There is that other thing where Harvest plans every fucking thing in the universe because random happenstance never happens, apparently. Predicting the future is all just a simple mathematical calculation based on where the pieces are on the chessboard. Except their are billions of pieces and the chessboard is nearly infinite. But, you know, Harvest is a super genius Vampire Tim Drake from the future so fans that want to believe it will.

Wait, I meant to be speaking about the Joker! Oh yeah! For this to even be a plan, The Joker has to know enough about what drove Bruce Wayne to be The Batman. And since this is a Reboot, even if The Joker knew who Batman really was in the Preboot (I don't think he did but who the fuck knows?), I don't think the Reboot would begin with The Joker having this knowledge (again, who the fuck knows! He might!). So how does this plan make any sense at all? "Oh, if I torture a kid and take away his parents and leave him orphaned in Gotham, he'll become Robin!" And, of course, even if he did know all of these things might tend toward a child being picked to be Robin, it's still just random chance that it would all come together and happen. And that's if he knew all the details of Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson and he's still merely crossing his fingers that Batman might take on a new sidekick.

This story is just too stupid to be true. I guarantee it'll simply be retconned as one of The Joker's insane delusions.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #0 Rating: Hey DC! Just because a writer makes his deadline doesn't mean what he wrote was worth printing. This issue would have been better and probably made me less angry if it had merely been four pages short instead of including that fucking tumor stuck to the issue's ass.

Wonder Woman #0

Wait! Wait! I know this origin story!

Zeus: "Hey, babe. What's your sign?"
Hippolyta: "Oh come on. Does that actually work?
Zeus: "Sometimes. For the others, I created this thing called rape."
Hippolyta: "Zeus, you're a fucking pig."
Zeus: "That can be arranged. If you're into that sort of thing."

Except that's not what's happening in this comic. This comic looks extra special super amazing though!

Yes! All-Girl Adventure Tales for Men!

Diana is stealing a Harpy's egg to make her cake for her birthday. Azzarello and Chiang do a magnificent job creating an old school style story about Wonder Woman. The thought bubbles, the omniscient narrator that loves alliteration, and, of course, Chiang's art which is perfectly suited for this kind of story. I'm just three pages in and delighted by the entire thing.

How many young comic book readers are wondering what the fuck is going on. What are those fluffy looking bubbles coming out of Diana's head? Who the fuck is speaking in the Narration Boxes?!

The girl Aleka calls Diana "clay" and Diana beats the bloody snot out of her. Then she runs off crying and saying she's sorry. Why would Hippolyta tell everyone such a stupid story? And then allow Diana to be teased every single day of her life because she's basically a pot? Is it that shameful to have given birth to Zeus's child? An Amazon has to get pregnant from somewhere. Why not Zeus? Except maybe for that weird fetish of his where he likes to fuck women while in the shape of some other species. Kinky!

After Diana runs into the woods to cry, she meets War, The God of War. He offers to teach her fighting tactics every full moon. Watching them is an Owl which, I believe, is one of Athena's creatures. Maybe she's going to want to get her claws into Diana as well. And then all of the other Gods are going to want a piece of the wonder girl and pretty soon Diana will be training every single night.

On her 13th birthday, Diana must once again bring a precious gift for her mother or the year won't be counted. Once an Amazon reaches her mid-twenties, she starts "accidentally" failing to bring gifts to her mother. "Oh fuck! I'm 25 for another year? Damn!" But this year, War feels he has trained her well enough to send her into the Labyrinth to face the Minotaur.

This is how she got her name.

Diana eventually meets the Minotaur and bests it in combat using her wits and some luck. War points out that the Minotaur's head will be the gift to her mother. Maybe not as nice as roses or a new bra but at least it'll be from the heart.

Pussy.

Because Diana refuses to kill the Minotaur, War calls her a failure and abandons her. But when the Minotaur regains its feet, it looks upon Diana and lets her be, disappearing into its labyrinth. Diana finds her way out by following her rope and wonders if her mercy can be the gift she gives her mother for her birthday.

That's a cheap gift! "Here, mom! I got you an abstract thought for my birthday! Can I turn 13 now?"

Wonder Woman #0 Rating: Since Wonder Woman's origin story was already revealed within the pages of the regular series, I wasn't expecting anything to do with that. But I was hoping for two other possible stories: why Diana was living in London at the beginning of this series or how Steve Trevor and Diana first met. Trevor is doing so much work in other titles, it looks like Azzarello has just decided to be hands off with him. Good choice unless you want the DC Editors fucking up your shit on a daily basis. Anyway, this was a fun story simply because it was such a flashback to a way of telling comic book stories long dead.

Catwoman #0

Crap. With Judd Winick having written Green Arrow Zero, I thought I had an Ann Nocenti free month. But it looks like she and Judd did a little swapping this month. Kinky.

But how the hell did switching up writers make the back-up Catwoman crew (or main crew now? Bye Guillem?) forget how to draw Selina?

Black hair? Check. Green eyes? Check. Random facial features? Check. It's Selina Kyle! Maybe.

Maybe she looks funky because she's so much younger than in the regular series, this being a Zero issue and all. Anyway, she has a job with the Mayor's Office and she's just moved up to a new position. Her one and only duty is to make sure that no guest ever shows up at a political function wearing the same dress as the mayor's wife. If they do, she has to hustle them into a back room with a huge wardrobe and redress them. She probably has one other duty which is not to steal all of the clothing. I'm not sure this job is going to work out for her.

I guess her actual other duty is to gossip since she's not even paying attention to the not stealing part.

Speaking of stealing, her coworker mentions the word and it sends Selina into a flashback where she was caught stealing a pearl necklace by some tough asshole who throws her into an alley. One of the pearls somehow detaches itself from the necklace and bounces down the alley to her where she stuffs it between her breasts. She's also lying in a pile of mannequin parts when a mysterious stranger approaches and offers her a place in the "Second Chance" program that the Mayor's Office runs to help street kids. She hisses and scratches just like any other stray cat approached in an alley would.

I know I can usually tell a bastard child by the way they're lying amidst old mannequins in filthy back alleys.

There's so much going on here I feel like I should break out the bullet points. Selina in an alley with pearls compares her to Batman's beginning. Lying in a pile of faceless mannequins reaffirms her status as a nobody and invisible. The pearl between her tits is an allusion to being titty fucked. The mysterious stranger that magically appears to offer her help shows she's strong and independent and doesn't need help from anyone. And alleys are where you tend to find stray cats. If the Batman comparison is going to continue to play out, my guess is I'll turn the page and a stray cat will wander up to Selina for her inspiration to be Catwoman.

Except the scene changes when I turn the page. Back at the office and returning to one year prior to the alley scene, Selina has convinced her coworker to use his clearance to search the "Second Chance" database for signs of her brother. Apparently after spouting off at the mystery guy, she chose to enter the program. And she claims to have a brother that did as well although I think that's just Selina trying to track down some other guy that was in the program with her. But then they stumble on a mystery!

Oh noes! The Second Chance Program should really be called Second Chance Reprogram! And wasn't that server crash convenient?!

Long before even the one year ago alley scene, Selina was living in a place called Oliver's Group Home. You don't think someone would investigate a place named so blatantly after a story about a home for orphans and runaways that are used to steal shit for the people running the place? Because, oh, look at this? The same thing is going on here! Selina and her fellow foster kids in Oliver's home are sent out to burgle places and then give up all the loot to the director. Except Selina hides a tiny diamond in her mouth and then shoves it in her teddy bear for safe keeping. After this, I'm pretty sure she's going to be kidnapped by a crazy woman and her crocodiles and need to be rescued by a stuttering male mouse and his accent heavy female mouse companion.

And then back to the Mayor's Office to the brainwashed Selina Kyle whose Second Chance Programming is beginning to fall apart on this day with all these key words and reminders bringing back her past. The man that brought her into the program has returned to speak with her.

Why would she try to scratch him? That's so odd! Like an animal or something.

Back to the flashback where he offers Selina the job with the Second Chance Program. Selina had just left a con where she failed to convince the person that she was what she was pretending to be. So now that she meets this guy on the street offering her a job to get to the top, she's going to make sure she's more convincing at pretending to be a person interested in a normal job so she can steal the place blind. Maybe.

Because that's not too suspicious. Some strange guy in a suit hanging out in alleys offering jobs in the public eye to street kids pulled directly out of alleys. Nope. No ulterior motives here!

The mystery man that pulled Selina off the street and has now taken her up to the top floor of the mayor's office building explains what happened earlier with the server crash.

That's pretty amazing technology to have the system crash because she looked at a monitor with her file on it. Seeing as how the file was being accessed on a coworker's terminal with his access and login.

Selina tells him that she saw she has a Russian name but she didn't catch what it was because I'm assuming it was in Cyrillic. The man that rescued her says he's been trying to protect her and she needs to forget she ever saw that name. But how can she forget what she's seen?

Oh. That'll work!

Selina survives the fall by crashing through an awning and then being licked by a bunch of stray cats. Later she returns to the awning which the cheap ass owners sewed up in the shape of the human hole she made instead of purchasing a new one.

Yeah, this makes sense.

This gives Selina an idea and she tears the awning apart and takes the human shaped piece to make an outfit out of it. Because that's exactly how clothing patterns work. In cartoons. Oh, and I guess in comic books!

Selina takes her new cat costume and breaks into the Second Chance Program place to recover files and computers so she can solve the mystery of her Russian self. What she finds out when she takes the computers to the news guy she tried to con (or date? I don't know) earlier is that there is no trace of Selina Kyle or the Second Chance Program. And he's a news reporter and he's never heard of the Second Chance Program. So Selina Kyle who was not Selina Kyle at the time but some Russian person was recruited by some mystery man who reprogrammed her and changed her name to Selina Kyle and tried to turn her into a completely new person. But she broke programming and looked at her files and crashed the system and had to be killed. And now none of that time exists anywhere but in Catwoman's mind. And since she's still reprogrammed, she only knows herself as Selina Kyle who now doesn't exist at all.

Catwoman #0 Rating: So Catwoman's big origin is that her origin is a mystery. Thanks, Ann Nocenti! I'm glad that's all cleared up!

Supergirl #0

People punched in the face by Supergirl so far in Issue 0: 0 (although she's already threatening to smack the reader on the cover)

The issue begins with Supergirl doing a Luke Skywalker in a tank of fluid. She's done this before in Simon Tycho's space apartment. But this time she's on Krypton. Her father knows his brother is right about the eminent destruction of Kyrpton, so he's preparing to save her life by shooting her into space. If only he and his brother had worked together on this, the cousins could have grown up together.

I wish they never would have realized they were cousins. They'd make such a cute couple!

Zor-el drives Kara out to a remote site to launch her into space. In the meantime, he's working on plans to shield Argo City from the destruction. So he plans to save the city but shoot his daughter into space all by herself? I can only imagine that he's not sure the shielding of Argo City will work. Or he's just tired of getting punched in the face by his daughter.

Hey Superbaby! Nobody wants you in this comic! Stop trying to steal the spotlight with your heroic jaws and your spit curls!

While Kara is visiting that fat fucking attention loving cute widdle Superbaby, her father and mother are busy in the lab. Well her father is busy and his mother is butting in trying to be helpful. Geez, woman! Can't you see Zor-el is busy saving your daughter and your help could only make it so maybe more people could be saved? Sheesh! Get out of the lab and get in the other lab!

During their conversation where Alura is merely trying to find out what her husband is up to, the creative team (or the uncreative team meaning the Editors! BURN!) throw a huge spoiler out there for Superman #0. I won't repeat it here because I only spoil comics that people can currently get their fucking hands on if they weren't cheap and/or lazy bastards. But this is DC's helpful suggestion after dropping the spoiler.

Oh, okay! Let me just get into my fucking time machine and I'll check that right out.

During the conversation, Krypton continues to shake violently. There isn't much time left to somehow trick Kara into changing into her Supergirl outfit and then stuff her into a man-sized egg-like spacecraft obviously modeled after technology from Ork. So Zor-el leaves Alura behind and rushes off to save Kara's life.

"Your mother doesn't know anything! Bwa ha ha ha!"

Although back at the lab, she's quickly finding out some things she'd rather not know. And, wait, what the fuck?

"Get out of our comic book! Nobody wants you here!"

So Superboy shows up. I guess he's figured out a way to get around Flashpoint at sometime in the very near future of the current present to end up in this long time ago past. Or this is simply that clone Kon since his body was never discovered. Perhaps those were some of the secret experiments Zor-el was doing in his discrete lab. He was probably extracting stem cells from the planet's greatest clone enemy. And you know how people get all fucking crazy about stem cells! Oh! And clones! Also people who try to destroy the world. Okay, yeah. I see why he was keeping this a secret.

I don't know! Spin around. Let's see the tush!

Zor-el has lined Kara's costume with some kind of sleeping lotion. Or else he drugged her earlier. But I think the sleeping lotion makes more sense. She begins to grow weak and passes out in her father's arms.

"Now get in your space egg and fuck off!"

As Zor-el places Kara in her egg, he reveals the secret as to why Kara orbited our sun for so long. He planned for her to remain in stasis so that he could retrieve her if Argo City survived Krypton's destruction due to his experimental shields. But if Argo City doesn't survive, Kara will gain so much power from orbiting the yellow sun that she'll "never be in danger again." Well, that worked out nicely, didn't it? She's only been running for her life for close to eleven issues now.

Also, the secret to who interrupted her father's Kryptonian Dildo Message is revealed as well! It is, of course, Alura coming to say goodbye to her daughter. She blasts Zor-el with the weapon he told her was a stun weapon earlier. Hopefully he wasn't lying about that or he's a dead man!

So before I finish, let me say, "Bravo!" I appreciate a comic book that puts mysteries out there and has no problem answering them in normal fashion as opposed to stringing them out for as long as possible. A good writer knows that more questions are easy to create. Answer your fucking questions and the story improves and moves forward so that you can introduce more mysteries. Don't just spend issue after issue reminding the reader that every member of Legion Lost has a fucking secret and then never reveal even one of them. So lazy.

Zor-el is merely stunned and weakened by the weapon. He still manages to launch Kara into space and enable the city's shield before Krypton breaks apart. As seen in earlier issues, Argo City fares better the rest of Krypton but it still doesn't manage to survive. Looks like only Superman, Supergirl, Kandor, and everybody (and dog) in the Phantom Zone are the only Kryptonians to survive. Also any other Kryptonian that a writer needs in a later story and can figure out an interesting way for him to survive. Like I bet the clone Kon survived by blasting into space on a normal Kryptonian space ship since Clones were first built for the dangers of space travel.

Supergirl #0 Rating: If the first twelve issues of this comic had been compacted down to about six, this comic would be ranked probably twenty spots higher. Also, Supergirl punches zero people in Issue Zero!

New Guardians #0

Such a colorful cover! Except Munk is missing. It probably has something to do with the time this takes place. Seeing as how Atrocitus and possibly Carol Ferris are in the group, this must be a Preboot gathering of the Rainbow Corps.

First off, the art is shitty shitty shitsville. Ugh. Awful. Bad. Terrible. Not my style. Icky. Kooky. Maybe I should just give an example.

I don't know what about it I don't like. Can't I just not like something sometimes without an explanation? Of course I can!

Carol is counting the infractions one of her workers is committing as the issue begins. But it's all just fun and games because she's a cool boss like that. She's wondering where Hal got off to with Sinestro because apparently this Zero Issue takes place in the present. So perhaps the characters on the cover are going to end up being the main members of the New Guardians. Too bad that Bleez and Glomulus are out. They were the two best members.

Carol has her coworker Thomas open Hal's locker to see if his Power Battery is still there. It is which is weird. I thought Hal was upset in a recent issue because Sinestro allowed him to keep the ring but wouldn't give him anything to power it with. But Hal has a Power Battery right there in his locker? I think somebody fucked up! Anyway, Carol finds the wedding ring Hal purchased before he realized he actually had a chance to become Green Lantern for good again. Marriage plans are off now that Sinestro's back in his life.

Kyle shows up to speak with Star Sapphire Carol Ferris when everyone notices a news report that might pertain to their conversation.

How would any comic book plot ever move forward without the ever present television news broadcast?

Carol grabs her Violet ring and meets Kyle at the cemetery. They destroy the Black Lantern Zombies with their dual action color combo but find no sign of Hal or Sinestro. But once they've cleared the graveyard, more zombies burst up from the ground and attack them. They're unable to coordinate their attacks this time but Kyle summons up some hope and he blasts the Black Lantern Zombies with Green and Blue Lantern energy. So he does still have his Rainbow Power!

How sweet! Why am I such a sarcastic asshole? Fuck I must be annoying to be around.

Kyle asks his ring to locate Hal Jordan and it replies that he's dead. Carol goes into denial and wants to see a body. So Kyle tries to locate Hal's ring and his ring shows him the image of Hal's replacement. Which is kind of nonsensical since it was really Sinestro's ring. Although I guess Hal did some weird willpower trick to the ring right before he thought he was going to die because he didn't want Sinestro's ring flying off and finding another jerko like Sinestro. That's why the new guy is a little bit lawful and a little bit chaotic. I think he's Chaotic Lawful.

Kyle shrugs and says, "Welp. Looks like Hal's dead!" But Carol tells him he's not. She's a Love Lantern and she can still feel the tie between her and Hal. It isn't broken so Hal is alive, somewhere. She then zaps Kyle with her ring to give him the same love feeling (gay!) but instead it somehow shows Kyle his future. I don't get how that works but just go with it this time, okay?

That's what I said last commentary! Kyle has to be the most everythingiest to power up all the spectrums.

Does this also mean Kyle will be the first male Star Sapphire?

And that's where this comic leaves Kyle and Carol. But meanwhile half a universe away, The Guardians are making a deal with their ex-wives.

I don't know about that! Where's the bickering? And the back stabbing? And the fucking space lawyers?

New Guardians #0 Rating: This is pretty fucked up, DC. This zero issue is really just a continuation of the Green Lantern story line going on in the regular issues. And it seems a bit critical to the main Green Lantern title as well! Of course I expect anyone already reading these stories is obviously going to pick up these books. But I know I read somewhere that part of the plan with the Zero Issues was to give readers a chance to spend their normal monthly comic money on other titles Zero Issues to see if they might like those stories without missing anything in their usual monthly reads. I realize that's kind of a bullshit objective though. Who buys a monthly comic and then doesn't collect the Zero Issue when it comes out, right? But still! Now I have to store this Issue #0 between Issues #12 and #13 so that the story makes sense!

Although I've been storing all of the Zero Issues between 12 and 13 of their respective titles anyway. I just wanted something else to bitch about.

Captain Atom #0

It's finally here! The last issue of Captain Atom. I thought it should have been cancelled when the Second Wave began but I suppose there were lesser known heroes that nobody was buying that were making less money than poorly written comics about more popular heroes like Captain Atom, Batman, The Teen Titans, Green Arrow, Superboy, and Grifter. But now that Captain Atom is finished, I hope it starts a trend! You better buck up, Green Arrow, and stop being written so poorly! I wonder how many writer changes the Batman titles will get before one of those (The Dark Knight!) gets cancelled.

Captain Atom's origin has pretty much been fleshed out already. So this is what would bring Captain Atom and J.T. Krul back into my good graces: 19 pages of Captain Atom silently walking around the moon, watching Earth, the sun rise, the stars. No Narration Boxes. Simply Captain Atom growing more and more bored with the same routine. And then page 20, Captain Atom saying (in space!), "Fuck this!" and flying back toward Earth.

You know what? Pretend that's what the Zero Issue depicted. I'm not going to waste my time commenting on an issue showing Nathaniel flying about in planes and then being roped into the experiment that blasts his particles all over the universe until he finally manages to recombine himself using his horrible knowledge of biology, chemistry, physiology, and penis sizes. Here's some dialogue that I don't want to comment on but probably exists in this book.

Narration Box: "I had it all! Good looks! Family! A bit of a father issue but who doesn't have some of that? Hot sex every night with a different woman that I'd meet down at the bar just off the base where all the Air Force groupies would hang out. So why did I volunteer to have my molecules dispersed across the universe turning me into a lonely, philosophical, existentially brain damaged smurf?"

I keep glancing at the cover of Issue #0 and refusing to open it. I think I'm boycotting the final issue! Except I already paid for it so this is officially the worst boycott in history! Even if I hadn't purchased it, it would have been a boycott of $2.99. Which would still qualify it as the worst boycott in history. So I guess I might as well read the stupid mess.

I'm not biased at all! I'm just, um, realistic! Because remember what the great philosopher Captain Atom said: "Reality. Subjective. Objective." Yes. YES! Of course! Such staggering genius.
I just looked at the cover again and giggled. He's naked with abs and big muscles and hair but he didn't make himself a penis! I think that's essentially what's wrong with Captain Atom's nature. He has no balls. It's an analogy! Or a metaphor. Or a literal depiction of his inability to just fucking get on with things.

Speaking of an inability to get on with things, perhaps I should just break down and read this thing. I did pay for it, after all.

Captain Adam's father has died so he's been freaking out and breaking formation and acting like he's going to get himself killed while flying a plane. So he soon finds himself grounded. Since he can't do what he wants, he heads over to hang out with Dr. Megala. Dr. Megala gives his a bunch of bullshit about scientists and theories and basically states that general relativity is as theoretical as string theory. So from the start, the reader knows that Dr. Megala is crazy and he doesn't know what he's doing. So he decides to once and for all prove M Theory (which he defines by lifting the definition straight out of Wikipedia. I know that because I had to read about it) by sticking Captain Adam in a molecular oven.

But a monkey wouldn't have been able to entertain us with twelve issues of existentialist monologues.

Captain Adam is disintegrated. And then he reintegrates as Captain Atom. Ta da!

Ha! This is the reaction I said he should have had when shown the universe destroying the previous universe!

Captain Atom quickly figures out his power and uses it to save his colleagues as they fight some Zentradi Battle Pods. He destroys all of the battle pods but then the Air Force pilots turn on him and calling out to destroy it before it can destroy them. And all the pain and loneliness begins! Boo hoo!

I edited out a Narration Box to make the ending seem even more poutier and depressing than it really is. Ha ha!

Captain Atom #0 Rating: Yay! It's finally over!

Sword of Sorcery #0

Really? Sword of Sorcery? That's as horrible a fantasy name as Places and Predators! Except my game's name is a parody! Is this title supposed to be silly fantasy? Am I supposed to take this shit seriously? Sword of Sorcery? Oh! But look at that cover! First time I've seen a guard on the grip of a weapon since every single panel by Rob Liefeld!

Let me speak a little bit about my knowledge of Amethyst, Princess of Gemworld, before I begin reading. Okay, that's it! Knowledge exhausted! The only thing I remember about Amethyst was my friend Sal picking up issues of Amethyst in the quarter bins at comic book stores and conventions. Unless it wasn't Sal at all. Although Sal did introduce me to Herbie Hancock and I introduced him to Slayer. I'm not sure if that was a fair trade or not.

The comic book begins in a complete and utter fantasy world. At least, it's a fantasy world according to my experience. Did I grow up in Shangri La? No, Santa Clara. But I really don't remember this kind of bullshit occurring in my high school. Perhaps I was just autistic enough to have no fucking clue what kind of social politics were happening around me.

Seriously? She's ostracized because she's the new girl and her hair is colored?

Can I just express this moment of disbelief: Wow. Why wasn't Aaron Lopresti drawing like this in JLI? I love this style and look. And it's taking place in high school?! Be still my love for teen drama beating heart!

Amy doesn't have any friends yet. But her cool demeanor and off-the-beaten path good looks are sure to win her a few bottom-of-the-rung-in-popularity friends soon enough. And sure enough, she meets up with a girl named after a gemstone whose Velma-esque looks are attractive enough for a football player to want to make out with her behind the bleachers after the homecoming game but too geeky to be seen in public with her. Fucking stupid ass football player. If you like her, fucking go for it. High school is only three years out of your life. THREE FUCKING YEARS! Don't let the other morons dictate how you're going to spend that small amount of critical time. You're never going to be the same person you were in that forced social situation. And you're going to learn bad habits if you allow your peers to dictate your desires.

And Beryl. Do I have to say it? Going out with a football player in a secluded place because he makes your fucking tits tingle? I'm not blaming you at all for what's about to happen. But if this guy isn't willing to be seen mouth to mouth with you in a well-lit hallway, you maybe want to think twice about disappearing with him in the dark for a few hours.

Amy's about to turn 17 later in the evening. And her mom is flipping out about it. Because this birthday is going to change everything.

I guess Gemworld is rated R.

Amy spars with her mom for about two minutes before she has a teenaged girl temper tantrum and storms off to do something normal. She heads to the homecoming game.

I was such a social retard in high school. I had long hair and was in all of the advanced classes. My best friends were all of the other fringe smart nerd kids. But I was also friends with the stoners and rockers simply because I had long hair. And then I had my two best friends, Paul and Herschel. And that was about it. I played Role Playing games on the weekends with my cousin (one grade beneath me) and his friends. Very occasionally I would venture out into the "normal" social situations. And I think back on those and what my life might have been if I in any way knew how to react in those environments. I think I went to a single homecoming game. I barely talked to the more popular kids in the advanced classes so I had no idea what they thought of me or if I could be friends with them merely by opening up. But at the homecoming game, I was with my friend Paul and we sat in front of Merril George. By dint of my last name, if I shared a class with Merrill, she usually sat right in front of me. So at the homecoming game, the situation was oddly reversed. What she thought of seeing me, the shy, anti-social kid, at the game, I don't know. But she continuously played with my hair and talked with me. At least as much as I was able to respond. What was that about? Was it flirting? Was she reaching out to me? Was she just being friendly and sociable because we were in many of the same classes? I have no idea because, as I said, I'm socially retarded!

Anyway, let's see how Amy dealt with her time at the Homecoming Game. I have a feeling she's going to end up kicking a football player named Tyler's ass.

The title of this story is called "Homecoming." Clever. Very fucking clever, you Jem writing bitch.

Meanwhile back on Gemworld, Lady Mordiel of Amethyst tower is sucking the life from any female descended from the same bloodline as her. I think she might be the bad guy and the reason Amy is on Earth is to protect Amy from having her essence sucked out by Lady Mordiel. But now that she's about to turn 17, she can head back to Gemworld and challenge Lady Mordiel for the throne of Amethyst Tower. Maybe. That's my speculation anyway.

And back at the homecoming game (or afterward since Amy missed the whole thing)...

Oh look! The cliche rapist football players are about to do their thing.

Is this something that happens regularly in high school? How the fuck should I know? I was role playing Elves and sending my Russian troops into Germany to stop Hitler from taking over the world. Is this reality? Or is this cliche crap giving football players a bad name? It could easily have been happening at my high school and how would I have known? I spent most of my time as the cool rocker kid in the smart classes that befriended all of the nerds and geeks and stood up for them when I could. In Junior High, I was overweight but I was never teased or picked on and I actually made friends more easily than in high school. I think the look I cultivated in high school made me more unapproachable by the group of kids I tended to get along with. But shit like this? The only teen drama I knew was on PBS during episodes of Degrassi Junior High.

After Amy kicks major ass on the wanna-be rapists, she tries to befriend Beryl but Beryl runs scared from her. Why? I don't know. I would be hugging the shit out of her after that. Amy doesn't know what to think either and just heads home where her mom is waiting to take her to their real home.

Look at the way she's drinking that water! She wants it! Oh shit. I'm channeling the football players!

Amy's mother creates a portal which takes them to Gemworld where they find a loyal army waiting for them on the other side. Also waiting for them is an ambush by Lady Mordial's Hunters. They knew Amy and her mother would be back on the day Amy turned 17, the day she could take the power of the Amethyst for herself. Amy's mom tries to keep Amy safe but Amy will not be shoved into a hole to hide while her mother's life is at stake.

Meanwhile on Earth, John Constantine fucks with their portal back. What a dick.

That's the end of the Princess of Gemworld story. The back-up story is about Beowulf. But this Beowulf is not the old English version. This is the post-apocalyptic version! Much more exciting than a guy fighting ancient gender metaphors.

It's the same story featuring Hrothgar and Grendel's nightly raid on his mead halls. Only it takes place in the future!

I once spent a few months on CelticMUSH. Mostly playing Boggle. But I did write a story as a gift to Misty who invited me to the MUSH. Although we really only ever played Boggle. Fuck she was good at it.

The Boy takes Beowulf back to Hrothgar's Mead Hall while telling him the story of Grendel's nightly attacks.

Looks like Hrothgar's meadhall is the Blackhawk's Eyrie.

Swords of Sorcery #0 Rating: I like the teen drama of Amethyst and hope that her story bounces back and forth between worlds. And I really like the Beowulf back-up story as well even though it's negligibly different from the source material. It simply takes place in a post-apocalyptic future and Beowulf is some kind of cyborg. Super A+ Five Parrots Diamond Star rating!