Earth 2 #2

Garrick's costume is garish.

The first page of this comic brings Mister Terrific to Earth 2.

Okay, so I was wrong about the portal last issue bringing Mister Terrific from Earth 1. But then who was the the lone figure coming over from Earth 1? Mystery!

Mister Terrific finds himself in the middle of a downtown square where, once again, the big screens playing television and showing ads are also blaring out sound. These comic book cities must be the noisiest places in existence.

Wildcat?

Mister Terrific instantly learns that he's on another Earth because everywhere he looks, something mentions the deaths of Wonder Woman, Batman, and Superman. I guess he could also be in the future but why waste time making the third smartest man on Earth 1 guess incorrectly? I wonder where he ranks in Smartiness on Earth 2?

Well, I guess he's not the smartest since he instantly meets the Smartest Man on Earth 2!

The World's Smartest Man knew Mister Terrific would be arriving at this time and place. He also knew Mister Terrific was from a parallel Earth. He also also knew Mister Terrific was Michael Holt. And then he defeats Mister Terrific nearly instantly by taking control of Mister Terrific's balls and using them against Mister Terrific. Terrific!

Meanwhile, Jay Garrick continues to speak with the dying God Mercury. Mercury claims something worse than Darkseid is headed toward Earth and Earth needs heroes. So Mercury gives his speed and a stupid costume and some advice to Jay Garrick. The advice is Fox Mulder's favorite: "Trust no one." The World Police arrive right about this time and Garrick decides Mercury's advice probably means them as well, so he runs from the World Police. Does that instantly make him a wanted man?
Next, Alan Scott arrives in Hong Kong for the moment that everybody on the web needed to discuss long before Earth 2 #2 hit the shelves. Thanks for the fucking spoilers, internet. Fucktards. Why does everyone have to know everything before everyone else? Why can't we all just wait for the goddamned story to unfold?

Oh yeah. This guy Sam is going to end up in a refrigerator.

Since his name is Sam, does that mean he's the Sam Adams, Mayor of Portland, of Earth 2? Sam Adams is my step-uncle and I recommended that his slogan to run for Mayor of Portland be: Sam Adams. The wayer gayer mayor. He didn't use it.

Back to Flash, he decides to test out his powers by fighting rats. He defeats them handily by containing them in a trash can. Good job, Garrick!

Apokorats! I guess the Boom Tubes have the same faults as ancient sailing vessels?

After Garrick saves the couple, he decides to see how fast he can run. He takes off and when he stops, he finds he's arrived in Poland. And someone is waiting for him.

Hawkgirl! I think the Hawkperson get up is the World Police outfit. Makes sense since the original Hawkman and Hawkwoman were police officers on Thanagar and that's why they wore what they wore.

Back to Alan Scott and his man Sam, they're riding a bullet train to a resort somewhere. The interior of the train is so romantic and boring and plain with boring people reading the paper and such...

...that Alan Scott can't help himself.

Look! A ring! Foreshadowing!

But before Sam can answer, he's stuffed into a refrigerator.

Apparently gay marriage is a sin on Earth 2 and God instantly punished Alan Scott for proposing the awful horror of two men in matrimonial bliss.

Okay, so Sam wasn't stuffed into a refrigerator. But exploding him in a fiery bullet train accident gets the same results. Alan Scott will somehow survive due to possibly already being The Green Lantern or some other foolishness. And he'll vow revenge on whoever did this.

But could something even more sinister be going on here? Perhaps DC wasn't really prepared to have a super hero in a perfectly stable and normal homosexual relationship. So they shock the prudish readers with the kiss but then blow up Scott's lover in a horrific accident that will keep Scott out of relationships for the foreseeable future because he's mourning his great love. That would be kind of a pussy move, DC, if that's what you're doing. I would be shocked though if Sam survives this as well. Okay, he might survive in a persistent, vegetative state but would be pulling the same bullshit as if Sam died. It leaves Alan Scott in a limbo state concerning relationships. I, for one, am interested to see how this plays out. Are you just a bunch of cowards who talk big, DC? It would have been far more interesting to have a stable gay couple that avoided all of the dramatic pitfalls of storytelling than to resort to this in Issue #2! Hell, in the same issue Scott's sexuality was revealed!

Earth 2 #2 Rating: No change. Overall, the issue was fairly flat and boring. Flash fought rats? Really? Mister Terrific appears and is instantly taken down by "The World's Smartest Man"? Wow, you blew that load quick, Robinson! Eric Wallace was going to really drag out the "who on Earth is smarter than Michael Holt" story across a few years of writing. And then Alan Scott is gay but then, hey, let's kill his man instantly. Okay, okay. Maybe Sam will survive. But does anybody really believe that'll happen? Refrigerator!

Oh, and don't get me wrong! I'm not calling Sam a woman because he's gay. I think the Women in Refrigerators motif (great name, by the way, Gail Simone) is an accurate portrayal of how comic writers treat any loved one close to a super hero. So I include men in the "women" part of that title! And pets! Don't forget pets!

Action Comics #10

Genesis 10:8-9: "And Cush begat Nimrod: he began to be a mighty one in the earth. He was a mighty hunter before the Lord: wherefore it is said, Even as Nimrod the mighty hunter before the Lord." So basically, Nimrod was such a mighty hunter before the Lord that people would gasp, "That's Nimrod the might hunter before the Lord!"

Maxim Zarov, codenamed "Nimrod" for obvious reasons (see above Bible quote), is on the hunt for Superman. He decided to begin tracking him from the beginning: the earliest known sightings of him. Doing his research, he noted that for 20 years (20 years? What the fuck?), the Superman sightings were centered around a couple of family farms in Kansas. Once he learned Clark Kent lived on one of them and then moved to Metropolis, he knew he had the scent of his game.

Good luck with that.

Farmer Fry who currently owns the Kent farm gives Clark a heads up that some stranger was asking about him. Clark is too distracted hunting down a serial killer to remember the warning.

Look how young and idealistic young Superman is! He's going to change the world!

While Superman is catching this pervert, he's wearing his Shirt and Jeans uniform. So I began to think that maybe this took place before the Brainiac Satellite story. But that's not true because in the next scene, he's wearing the uniform he received during that battle. He probably felt he should have it washed before wearing it. Little does he know, he should probably have irradiated it before wearing it since it tries to kill him five years later! Rather, the Nano-Bugs on it try to kill him.

I bet Jason Todd would like those Hamsters!

Supes is trying to give away the hamsters that belonged to the murdering perv from earlier. But it looks like he'd also like to tackle some really major world problems with his new Justice League buddies.

Timewise, it looks like this comic takes place after he's secured the suit and emptied Brainiac's satellite but before the Justice League begin using the satellite as their headquarters because Supers is using it as his Fortress of Solitude. It also happens after Darkseid's invasion and before Supes meets with the Legion Members to stop the arms sale in Superman's brain. I don't know which Robin Batman is currently working with or if Diana is currently boinking Steve Trevor. This continuity stuff is hard to keep track of!

This is a very clever moment. Superman, the naive boy scout, casually mentions Batman's secret identity. He doesn't mean anything by it at all. He's just pointing out they have the resources to help the world. But Batman can't let it go. He has to regain the power by pointing out to Superman that he knows Supes' secret identity as well! This is characterization done elegantly.

Afterward as Flash is speaking his mind, Green Lantern casually says to Batman in the background, "You're a billionaire?" Batman replies, "No comment." Hal Jordan is pretty shallow and narcissistic. In Justice League, Batman told Green Lantern his secret identity. But Hal Jordan never bothered to look into it, obviously. Batman would have known everything about Hal Jordan in just a few minutes if Hal had revealed his identity because Alfred would have heard the name through the communication set-up they probably have and done all the research in the Batcave! You know, because he has all of those billions of dollars at his disposal!

Batman's rejoinder to Superman's plea.

And back to Superman.

This dynamic between Superman and Batman is wonderful. They complement each other so well. And Superman really needs Batman to hold his idealism in check. Superman is young and believes he has a responsibility to do everything he can to change the world for the better. But as Batman points out, many of these problems are bigger than simply not enough food or evil people that can be stopped by a bulletproof chest and a pair of laser eyes. I like how Superman leaves feeling alone and misunderstood. And, of course, Batman gets the last word.

People call Superman a boy scout but it's Batman who is always prepared.

All of this dialogue takes place across two pages. Barely a word is wasted. This is why, at some point in their lives, comic book fans stop following characters and begin following writers. I read mostly DC as a kid because I began reading comic books with Crisis on Infinite Earths. I didn't read Marvel because no kid has the money to spend on two universes. But you pretend that Spiderman and the Fantastic Four and Thor all suck compared to DC's heroes. By the time you can afford to buy any comics you want, you're invested with the history of one universe and don't usually bother with the other (one reason many people hate The New 52: they were invested in the DC Universe. Which still fucking exists, by the way. People need to stop crying about the Reboot and start bitching about the bad writers). But at some point, the history and characters aren't enough. Patterns begin to emerge and you notice the same names over and over again on all of the best titles. So you read those titles. And then those writers move to Marvel. Well, guess what? You follow them over there and they blow you away with Marvel's characters.

Grant Morrison is one of those names. I might sound like Grant's grandmum extolling his every virtue, but this book is very well done. If it wasn't, I'd say so but I'd be perplexed because I know how good he can be. If I hadn't decided to read all of The New 52 and comment on it, you can be sure I'd be reading far less comics and they'd cross the spectrum of all the publishers. I'm currently reading Super Crooks and Hit Girl as well because Millar is worth reading. But I'm not blogging about those. I don't even have enough time to blog about the New 52. *sigh*

Back to the comic, Clark and Lois and Jimmy are messing about in Clark's apartment. Looks like Clark's trying to foist the hamsters on one of them. Clark is checking out Lois's scrapbook of Superman sightings while Jimmy checks out Clark's Smallville Yearbook.

Clark continues to point out many of these are years before Superman's "first" official sighting. So that's why Nimrod mentions 20 plus years of Superman sightings.

Nimrod watches as Clark and his friends head to lunch. Clark notices him and seems a bit suspicious.
Meanwhile, some metahuman with a hoodie, cape, and mind control powers hitches a ride into Metropolis. He has a glowing jewel in his chest and he calls himself Adam. I don't know who he is since I doubt he's Stormwatch's or Shazam's Adam.

Lois continues to try and get Clark to come over to the Daily Planet while they head back from lunch. They notice a commotion in front of Clark's paper (or old paper? Not sure of the timeline again!) where a man is pushing his way through the crowd. Clark thinks he recognizes him from a story he did and runs toward him to see if he can help. Always with the helping!

And the exploding. Always with that too.

Superman allows everyone to believe Clark Kent is dead. For the time being, I guess, since Clark is fine and dandy years later in Superman! But for now, it works to his advantage since Nimrod heads into Clark's apartment to find out from the landlady that Kent is dead. Nimrod can't believe it and thinks someone has killed Superman before him. Until, you know, Superman shows up. Nimrod pretty much takes care of himself at that point by exploding things off of Superman's chest and into his own face.

Later, in the hospital, Nimrod realizes his own arrogance in knowing that everything leaves a trail but forgetting that that includes himself as well. This time, the prey got the better of him. But the Little Man (Mxyzptlk?) has an offer for Nimrod.

Or Satan!

The back-up story takes place after the events in Action Comics #11! Does DC think I have access to a time machine? Is this meant to fuck with people who can't do things out of order? What if there are spoilers! Okay. Deep breath. I think I can manage!

Clark's friends and co-workers are telling tales about their recently deceased friend (remember? He blew up! I just mentioned that like thirty seconds ago!). Jimmy mentions how accident prone Clark was but those accidents always managed to save someone else from getting hurt! What a lucky guy!
Then Lois says some emotional stuff about what a good person was and how he made everyone around him better. And then they all leave the bar and wish Clark had been there to hear all the great praise. Lois thinks it would have surprised him because he was so humble. But *gasp* Superman was listening the whole time! And it touched him so much maybe he'll save Clark Kent in Issue #12! Also, Superman was wearing his t-shirt and jeans costume. Maybe he saves the Jim Lee Supersuit for Justice League during these early years.

Action Comics #10 Rating: +1 Ranking. I really enjoy comics like this where the big threat really isn't a big threat at all. But the reader gets a glimpse into various aspects of Superman's life here and they're all very well done. I know this is comics so the readers expect the big fisticuff issues but it's issues like these where the reader gets close to the main character so that the reader can care what happens during those big fisticuffs. Supergirl needs a few of these issues. She's already had plenty of getting her ass handed to her.

The back-up story was fairly standard cliche crap but it was written by Sholly Fisch. I don't really expect much out of the back-up stories even though they're costing me an extra dollar.

G.I. Combat #2

DC didn't think dinosaurs would work two covers in a row? Come on! Fuckin' dinosaurs!

Last issue, I noticed that both stories weren't full length and thought maybe that would be a normal thing. But then I realized: I bet both stories last issue were meant to be Men of War back-up stories. I still think it's a slap in the reader's face to cancel one war title and start up a new one in its places. DC really doesn't give a shit, do they? Wait until they cancel Batman: The Dark Knight! It'll just be replaced by another Bat-title.

The issue starts out with Ash rubbing his wife's vagina through the comforter.

I know, right?

 

This takes place before Ash found himself in North Korea fighting dinosaurs with his military buddy whats-his-name. You know, the other guy? The one that was taller than him? He had dark hair? He was bulkier, remember? Um, the black guy?

Ash's wife asks him how he's able to kill a person. He tells her he'd kill anybody standing in-between him and returning to his wife. Exactly how experience is Ash at killing people? His real answer should be that he has no idea if he's ever actually killed anyone because most combat is just bullets flying across a disputed area. Unless Ash is actually a sniper. What she really should have asked him is, "How do you kill a dinosaur?"

And then they both come together. Like The Beatles!

And then the action returns to the battlefield because that's enough sex for a Teen Plus rated comic book. At least for now!

It's called a Stegosaurus! Or Spike, to his friends.

I know everybody can identify a Stegosaurus. But does anybody else currently have the book where they first encountered one? I know, I know. Most of the Tumblr generation first discovered them watching The Land Before Time. But here's where I saw my first Stegosaurus.

This is from 1976. I wonder how much of it is now incorrect. My favorite dinosaur is the Camptownrasosaurus.

It might be surprising but I don't have much to say about this story. There's a page of dinosaurs attacking Ash and the other guy. I only remember Ash's name because they used it again in this issue. But his friend is still just the Black Guy! And now they've made a new friend: the Korean Guy! And he's got a pet lizard.

Oh, his name is Elliot! Not the dinosaur, dumb dumb! Ash's buddy. I looked it up in G.I. Combat #1 while I was scanning this picture.

Would have been so hard to do the dinosaur fight without a T-Rex? This is the fucking money shot of every man versus dinosaur story. Unless it's the original Land of the Lost. Grumpy was never close to being as scary as a trip into the Sleestak's cave.

Quiz time? How do they defeat the T-Rex? Do they:
A. Let it swallow Ash whole so he can shoot his way out of its stomach?
B. Throw grenades down its gullet?
C. Stab it in the eye?
D. Shove the barrel of a tank up its ass and blast it to Kingdom Fuck?

The answer is not C! They throw grenades down its throat! Good job, kids! I feel like fucking Dora listening to nobody but acting like she can hear all of the dumb kids' answers anyway. Does anybody see Swiper? Swiper no swiping!
 
Elliot is pumped that he's just blown the head off of an honest to goodness real life dinosaur. He celebrates every way he can think of except for fucking it in the eye socket. Ash gets a little perturbed by Elliot's show of emotion.

I think Elliott knows it's about survival. And he's thrilled he just survived being attacked by a T-rex! And isn't war about survival as well? Nobody's going to "win" this war on terrorism. It's only ever going to be about survival. So why is Ash thinking war is a game but survival is serious business that can't be celebrated. Fuck it, white boy. I'd be dancing on that dinosaur's head if I'd survived!

Ash can speak Korean so he tries to find out what's going on from his new Korean Friend who doesn't have a name yet because nobody bothers to ask. Korean Friend doesn't know anything more than the Americans. Ash gives him a gun and now it's Elliott's turn to be perturbed.

Seriously though. I'd get his name first.

The story will be continued in Issue #3 where I guarantee guns will be used against dinosaurs. It will be very dramatic.

The second chapter of the Unknown Soldier story begins in the headquarters of A.M.M.O. (Advanced Military Medical Operations). Unless it means Another Mysterious Military Organization. Because this is another secret Black Ops Unit for the DCnU. The Unknown Soldier is undergoing an experimental process to give him regenerative powers. He declined to have his face reconstructed though. For that, they're going to use "Smart Skin" to allow him to disguise himself as anybody he wants. So he's part Wolverine and part Christopher Chance.

The Unknown Soldier is all fixed up and ready to go. So of course they need to test him first by sending him into Mexico City to kill a bunch of drug lords.

Why not just fix him up with a Firestorm Protocol?

The Unknown Soldier receives so many modifications that he's barely even human anymore. He's just the wrong side of immortal, apparently. Isn't the part of the excitement of The Unknown Soldier that he's just a common man doing his duty? But now he's a fucking super hero that really doesn't have to worry about being killed. He's just a gigantic killing machine. Well, he's not gigantic. He's effective!

The Unknown Soldier has also had his brain rewired so they can download information into it. His eyes record everything he sees. He can speak fifteen languages (why not just fill him with all of them?). With all of his new abilities, he easily kills everything.

Later, blah blah blah terrorist blah blah blah biochemical agents blah blah blah al-Isri blah blah blah Antipova blah blah blah Unknown Soldier is immune to the Crimson Jihad biochemical agent blah blah blah Secret Operatives kidnapped and raised from childhood to be used to release the agent in America.

Profile that, mother fuckers!

G.I. Combat #2 Rating: -1 Ranking. Geez. The dinosaur story was more interesting than the Unknown Soldier story and the dinosaur story was boring! This war comic is not going to be any good if they use a story with pages of panels of gunfire and dinosaurs to explore some theme about love. And I've had enough of the usual story of the bad-ass guy who defeats terrorists. Maybe next issue it'll be fun to watch him kill people who look like regular American teenagers. Or is that not supposed to be fun? He'll probably just get in trouble with the normal authorities when he pops a cap in that white girl.

Overall, just not good enough. Not even close.

The Ravagers #1

So, DC did this. Mislabeled Lightning and Thunder right on the introductory cover. Yay for quality control!

Somehow, I get the feeling nobody working on any comic with The Ravagers in it actually cares about The Ravagers. In one of The Culling issues, the creative team had the wrong character acting as Terra. And now right on the cover of the first issue, they're giving the fans incorrect information. Do they expect me to care much at all when I see this deep devotion to creating a stellar product? Fuck DC. Tighten it up, bitches.

So, as the cover says, The Ravagers come from The Teen Titans. They were a bunch of kid super heroes that were supposed to fight all of the other kid super heroes to the death and become the baddest ass kid super heroes ever and save the world. Anyway, that was Harvest's plan. But The Teen Titans stopped him and all of the kid Super Heroes escaped from NOWHERE headquarters in Antarctica (or the Arctic if you believe that one Titans comic that got the location wrong. Yeah. More fuck ups by DC. Whee!) when it blew up. And I think this comic is taking the action from right about there.

I like the art, so that's a big plus right from the start. I still think all those zippers on the costumes are a bit much. Although Terra might want to zip hers down up a bit more.

Caitlin is narrating the comic and she says six minutes ago and 10,000 miles away they escaped from NOWHERE. So they just bore straight up through the middle of the Earth to come out in the Arctic somewhere.. I know this because they emerged from underneath a snow bunny instead of from underneath a penguin. I'm not sure how they accomplished this but I'm sure Terra's Earth powers or Caitlin's telekinesis were responsible.

I think they may have taken that escape shuttle from the last issue of The Culling. But why an escape tram would shuttle people from Antarctica to somewhere in Alaska, I have no idea. That's quite the escape tunnel. After all of the young Super Heroes escape to stand around wondering what's next, another escape tram breaks through the earth. This one contains NOWHERE soldiers who immediately lay down their arms. But Lightning and Thunder (I mean, Thunder and Lightning!) aren't so ready to forgive. Remember, they're Ravagers! But these guards aren't the problem. The real problem is the professional Ravagers have been sent by Harvest to collect a specific few amateur Ravagers for him. I think the amateur Ravagers Harvest wants are those spotlighted on the cover.

Rose and Warblade are still Harvest's henchmen while Ridge has defected. The other professional Ravagers were Miss Belief, Omen, Leash, Fuji, Captain Eyepatch, Crush, Hammersmith, Windstorm, Psykill, and Templar. I had to look in the back of Teen Titans Annual #1 to remember them all. And Windstorm's name was spelled Windstrom there but I'm assuming that's a typo. If it isn't, then it's just stupid.

And then my fucking brain explodes.

I've been saying for years that this battle is lost. Or should I say loost? Fuck everyone everywhere who has ever spelled "lose" as "loose". No, better yet, fuck everybody who didn't correct them and call them on it when they noticed it. I'm fairly certain that all generations born in the 21st Century will never see the word "lose" in their lifetime. I surrender. Fuck you, DC, for killing my last ounce of hope.

Should I even bother continuing with this comic book? Yeah, I will. But I won't care very much.
Ridge and Caitlin keep the kids from killing the NOWHERE soldiers. Caitlin calls in a hacked NOWHERE ship to pick them up. The ship crashes because it's been compromised.

That sounds like a great plan! But why would they chase you down only to surrender to you? Seems a bit implausible.

Warblade and Rose Wilson appear from out of the ship since it wasn't the ship Caitlin thought it was. And it crashed because one of the kid super heroes Rose caught, Windshear, destroyed it from the inside. Warblade and Rose kill all of the extra kid super heroes that weren't on the cover so they didn't matter at all. The amateur Ravagers that are left (Beast Boy and Terra split earlier. But I think they'll be back to help out next issue) collapse the ground around them and plunge into the icy water below to escape War Blade and Rose Wilson. And then the comic ends with the biggest cliche of all first issues:

Next will there be a next? Or is this the end of The Ravagers...?!

The Ravagers #1 Rating: I have a hard time debuting this comic at Rank #35 but that's the last available space and it's just easier for me to update if I stick this one in there. And the art is well done. And I think there could possibly be some interesting team dynamics at some point. But that whole lose/loose thing has really fried all of my empathy circuits. But to feel better about giving this a spot that it maybe doesn't quite yet deserve, let me give a hearty fuck you to a bunch of people working on this book.

Fuck you, Howard Mackie, Writer, for being a professional writer who doesn't know the difference between "lose" and "loose".

Fuck you, Dezi Sienty, Letterer, for not catching this mistake while putting the script to paper.

Fuck you, Sean Mackiewicz, Darren Shan, Pat McCallum, and Eddie Berganza, editors, for having FOUR FUCKING EDITORS on this title and none of you doing your fucking day job! But you're apparently all prostitutes because your work blows.

Batman Incorporated #1

This makes the 7th comic in The New 52 where Batman is the lead character or a member in the main team. Plus 7 other Bat-Family titles. DC Comics: We'd be fucked without Batman.

I've never read any previous versions of Batman Incorporated, so this whole shebang will be new to me. I first heard of Batman, Incorporated from the pages of Batwing or Batwoman. Is it Bruce Wayne's attempt to run the world through vigilantism? Is his ego so big that he truly believes his brand of justice should be the only Brand? Or am I already jumping to conclusions? Maybe Batman just funds vigilantes in other countries and then lets them do what they want under his name? No, no way that would happen! Bruce probably has a pretty serious franchise contract that other vigilantes need to sign to make sure they keep the Batman Brand's ethos.

DC Comics: "NO! No way you're fucking us in the face, Bruce! Batman can't quit! You're all we've got! You're our Spiderman! I mean, sure, we've got Superman but he's so fucking preachy! And Wonder Woman, but, you know, she's a fucking chick and you know how we feel about chicks here at DC!

Batman Incorporated (can I just call this comic Batman Inc?) begins with the panels above. Bruce is visiting the graves of his parents and giving it all up. And then in the next panel, he's surrounded by half a dozen Gotham City Policemen, Detective Harvey, and Commissioner Gordon calling for his arrest. And then turning the page, it's One Month Later. So Grant Morrison gets to open with a nice dramatic moment before getting to the actual story. Another "In Media Res" fakey! It's totally a comic cliche cheat to build immediate tension before the story even begins. Now am I supposed to keep wondering if Batman is going to accidentally kill someone? What would get Bruce Wayne to give up Batman? Even the death of Jason Todd didn't cause him to throw in the towel (which, you know, really pissed off Jason Todd. That and Batman not killing The Joker).

So, one month later, Batman and Robin are leaping out of the Batmobile and into an alley full of trash. So at least we know they're still in Gotham!

Gotham has a fast food place based on the best board game ever!

That last caption was also a test. If you found yourself thinking, "Actually, it's a parody of White Castle," you win the Customer of the Year Award! And by Customer, I mean Gamer Nerd. And if you are a Gamer Nerd, then you'll agree with me that Dark Tower was the best game ever.

When I turned the page from the two page splash of Batman and Robin in the alley with the Dark Tower garbage, the first words out of my mouth (yes, I talk to myself while reading comic books) were "OH MY GOD!" Because, well, Grant Morrison has just created the best Batman Villain ever! Unless this guy was already created and I just didn't know about him.

I wonder if his name is Escape Goat. Or maybe Billy the Kid. Perhaps goat.se?

Billy the Kid leads Batman and Robin into a slaughterhouse where his henchmen apparently work.

So far, I really like the art style of this comic book. At first I thought the artist really fucked up Billy the Kid's left arm here. And then I realized it's distorted because this whole panel is seen through the fish eye lens of, possibly, a security camera.

It's not Robin's fault that Billy led them into a slaughterhouse but why is it that any comic book Robin stars in is completely filled with blood and gore?

"Go for their heads," says Batman! Has he forgotten who he's talking to? He's lucky Robin just decides to cripple the bad guys by slicing their Achilles tendons.

Billy the Kid actually just ends up being some guy named Sam Lucas. And he isn't even the main antagonist in this drama! I know this because he doesn't last very long.

I less than three Robin's reaction here.

And then Grant Morrison reveals something I can't believe I didn't realize all these fucking years I've been reading comic books.

I didn't just take Morrison's word for it.

For most of you not following along and reading every single commentary, the reason I find all of this fascinating is because I love goats. And raccoons. And kittens.

This comic book is rated Teen even though it's already been a gigantic bloody mess. Now I don't care about ratings myself. This is an adult world for adults and things shouldn't be changed or censored to protect children. Fuck that whole village bullshit. You bring it into the world, you fucking keep an eye on it. But I am interested in how DC Comics applies their own ratings. It seems the Teen Plus label gets placed on anything too sexual while the amount of blood and gore and killing that happens doesn't matter. I only mention this because we're so far into the computer age that DC should realize that every kid reading this comic is going to Google Bill Hicks and watch the Goatboy sketch on Youtube. I just, you know, find that funny.

Back to Goatboy, this guy with the rocket powered bullet rifle is trying to collect a 500 million dollar contract on Robin put up by a guy named Leviathan. As you can see from a previous panel, he fucked up. But since his rifle uses rocket bullets, he's currently on the other side of Gotham and apparently safe from Batman. Ha ha! That's a pretty funny sentence! "Safe from Batman!"

Back at the slaughterhouse, the manager is flipping the fuck out because of the crazy mask wearing thugs having suddenly infiltrated his business. He's ready to get back to killing cows when Robin steps in and tells him he and Batman need the next cow in line for testing.

Emotional, reactionary vegetarian. Welcome to the club, Brother!

Awesome. I haven't laughed that loudly reading a comic in a long time. Fucking Robin and Bat-cow spattered with blood and standing in a bloody bat symbol. And the Bat Mask on the cow. Beautiful.
Meanwhile, Leviathan (who seems to be a lich) is hosting a dinner party for Gotham's West Side Crime Lords to let them know that the West Side of Gotham now belongs to him.

While Batman and Robin search for the man who fired the Rocket Bullet, they have a conversation that doesn't make a whole lot of sense for The New 52. Damian apparently killed another guy after Nobody but this was in the Batman Incorporated one-shot that featured Stephanie Brown as Batgirl and Babs as Oracle. So it's clearly not part of The New 52. And yet it was released during The New 52's run around Issue #4 of the starting comics. So this is definitely in a new continuity. But in the story, Robin kills this Otto Netz guy after having promised not to kill after killing Nobody! So this Batman Incorporated story, "Leviathan Strikes", must have taken place after the Nobody storyline in Batman and Robin but in a different version for the New 52 continuity. It's all just so confusing!

Robin and Batman also discuss Batman's death and return from the dead. A lot of DC History has now been packed into five years of continuity. And I think the writers are free to pick and choose which parts they want to jettison and which parts they want to keep. Well, maybe it's not totally up to the writers. I'm sure they have big editorial meetings about every minute detail of the universe that can be accepted as canon and what can be thrown out.

The Demon Star brand on the cows leads Batman and Robin to the realization that Talia Al Ghul, Robin's mother, is fucking with everyone all over again. They deduce this because the Demon Star is another name for the star Algol in the constellation of Perseus and Algol is Al Ghul in Arabic. And then one of the crime lords (Grimm, whom Leviathan just tricked into eating his brother) smashes to the pavement after being flown over the city and dropped by Leviathan's Bat-men Henchbats.

Meanwhile, in the basement of a sex-shop in San Francisco, a meeting is being held.

Is that the backside of The New 52 Halo? Please?

A bunch of what's going on here relies on some past Batman Incorporated knowledge. I think. At least some of it probably relies on a variant version of the Leviathan Strikes One-shot. Maybe I should read that? Or will it just confuse me? Anyway, Leviathan apparently thinks all of these heroes are dead and they'll be helping put a stop to Leviathan. And with the mention of The Outsiders, I guess they were a team in the previous five years. Which version, I can't say! But I'm still hoping that's Halo's ass in the dress with the colored halos on it! And what's up with the giant penny that says "In Stagg We Trust"? Mention of Stagg and "The Element Man" seems to indicate Metamorpho is about somewhere in The New 52. Unless he's already dead! That would be a shame.

The appearance of Pandora in all first issues continues.

Goatboy heads out to take out Robin again later that night. Robin is put out in the open and when Goatboy gets a shot, Batman is there to stop him. Except he supposedly shoots Batman in the face. And then shoots Robin in the head. Now, the shooting Batman and Robin are told in flashback and video on his phone. And he's telling this story to Leviathan because Leviathan now owes him half a billion dollars and Goatboy would also like Leviathan's protection against Batman.

But we all know this is a big Batman set-up. In Goatboy's story, he shoots Batman and Robin before anything else happens. But as he's telling this story, he has a broken arm and busted head. Because, you know, Batman kicked his ass to make sure he didn't shoot Robin. And then Batman threatened his ass to go through with this set-up so they could find Leviathan. Right? Of course that's what will be shown to happen next issue. Otherwise Robin is dead! And, you know, he's got his own title to take care of so that didn't happen at all.

Batman Incorporated #1 Rating: Debuting at #6. This book was a lot of fun and I love the art style. Another winner to the New 52. I won't be sad if they can do this with the next batch of cancelled series as well. Throw out six horrible comics and come back with six new comics that contain a few real winners. Out of the Second Wave, Worlds' Finest and Batman Incorporated are just terrific (at least the first issues were!). Dial H was really well done. And Earth 2 seems very interesting. So that's 4 out of the 6 that are much, much better than the cancelled comics. I would have liked to have seen Mister Terrific stay over G.I. Combat. And I have no hope at all for The Ravagers when they can't even label the characters on the cover correctly. And Static Shock was beginning to get good, so that could have remained as well. But all in all, the cancellations and the Second Wave have improved The New 52.

Animal Man Annual #1

Event the Animal Man Annual covers suck.

I have a feeling that this Annual will have nothing to do with the current story arcs going on in either Animal Man or Swamp Thing's regular comic book. That's because Animal Man #9 ended with the Baker Family meeting John Constantine and I don't see him anywhere on the cover of this comic book! I guess judging what's in the comic by what's on the cover is a pretty amateur mistake though, seeing as how DC doesn't give a single shit about whether it's covers are correct or not. And I don't just mean that the cover portrays the inner story in a whimsical or fantastic way but that the cover actually has nothing at all to do with the comic book. Look at the covers of Blackhawks #6 and Blackhawks #7 as examples. Those covers were probably planned for the story line that would have happened if the comic book had never been cancelled because they don't have anything to do with the actual stories inside. Blackhawks #3 put Irish on the cover with Canada when it should have been Wildman! Blackhawks may have had a 50% error rate on its run of covers!

Enough about Blackhawks! That shit was cancelled months ago.

A-ha! So this comic actually has an editor's note that says it takes place immediately after Animal Man #9. While Ellen and Cliff check in to the motel room where they meet John Constantine, Maxine and Socks head out into the trees nearby so that Socks can urinate.

It's as if Lemire has been reading my commentaries! I'm overjoyed that this is the direction that The Rot plot has taken! Now the Avatar of The Rot just needs his own title!

Socks doesn't want to speak of the current Avatar of the Rot. He says he is a very evil person. Is the current Avatar William Arcane? Or is it the creature Sethe? I'm not sure the comic was very clear or I wasn't aware while reading it of the importance of the avatars. Oh well, this is an Animal Man comic book so I won't worry about it here. I'll just settle in and listen to Socks tell Maxine a story.

Oh yeah, that's what is happening in this Annual. So I was right about it not really having anything to do with the current storyline. And since Animal Man wasn't involved in some wacky crossover for his Annual to be a part of, this annual is a stand alone story instead. Those are the main uses of annuals. And they're also usually used to showcase new talent at DC Comics.

Socks story takes place in 1894 in Manitoba where The Rot last tried to upset the balance between the three kingdoms. Crops died and livestock died and lots of flies flew in. So some members of the town and a couple of Royal Canadian Mounted Police headed into the woods to investigate.

"Heading into the woods" is always a sure sign that someone is going to die. When people go camping, they're usually okay. But if they decide they're "headed into the woods" instead of "going camping," they're going to die. It's just the way it is! Words have power!

Pretty soon a man named Jacob's eyes begin bleeding just like Buddy Baker's eyes did in Issue #1! And then one of the Mounted Police comes back from taking a leak with a message.

I think he had a little trouble undoing his zipper.

Worst camping trip ever.

The eviscerated Mountie was only the first monster to come out of the woods. A bunch of other Rotten Monsters storm the group and kill everyone except Jacob who has just discovered he's an avatar of The Red. He's almost killed when, luckily for everyone except The Rot, The Swamp Thing of 1894 lives in this forest in Manitoba! He rescues Jacob and gives him a bit of history on the Elementals.

I think this Annual should be recommended reading before someone picks up Swamp Thing or Animal Man.

Jacob has a vision of the future where all of DC's super heroes lie dead and impaled on poles. Then he sees Buddy Baker in his vision and Buddy tells him they can't win against The Rot because eventually it will win. He says it took his family from him and did something horrible to Cliff. But this confession seizes Jacob with terror and he wakes from his dream state to race back to town to check on his family. This wife and daughter and dozens of townsfolk have already been claimed by The Rot. But he and the Swamp Thing defeat them all, even the two most powerful which call themselves The Hunters Two. So it looks like they pick up a Third Hunter Stooge in the next 100 years or so!

And then she heads back to meet the Justice League Dark!

Animal Man Annual #1 is a great introductory comic for people wanting to read Animal Man or Swamp Thing. The problem is nobody is going to pick up this book if they're not currently reading Animal Man! I wonder if Annuals once had a connotation for being a comic book someone could pick up as an example for the rest of the series. It would be a one shot story that a reader could sample to see if they'd like to jump into the series. If that's the way they used to be (because I remember a time before every summer Annual Crossover event where Annuals were just random stories that had nothing to do with anything in the current series), then this comic does that really well. I just don't think people think of Annuals in that way anymore!